SMALLVILLE By Dr. Gonzo   Smallville Season 4, Episode 5 Is it just me, or does “The Grudge” look like the most laughable “horror” movie of all time? Their blatant attempts at scary elements makes it so obviously, unintentionally funny, that I just may watch it. The kid meowing takes the cake. That is PURE comedy gold. This is a blatant rip-off of the American remake of “The Ring”, and doesn’t seem to be afraid to show it. Anyway, play “Paper Mario” for the Gamecube, it’s fucking great. And only one week until San Andreas, get your checkbook ready and break up with your significant others. Lastly, I saw “Team America” and I must say I laughed my ass off in the times where the story wasn’t stagnant as hell. They could have cut about 30 minutes out of that movie to make it a much better watch, but it was still worth the price of admission. It had the best sex scene, vomit scene, and ending metaphor using assholes, dicks and pussies, I have ever seen in a movie. It’s worth a viewing. Onto the show. SMALLVILLE: EPISODE 5, “RUN” Open to a “criminal” with another dude, who makes references to “The Flash”. He exposes a ton of watches and wallets. The guy offers him chump change, so the kid takes off with the cash and the money. Cut to Clark and Jonathan coming out of a hospital after a checkup for old Luke Duke. They have tickets to the Metropolis Sharks football team. Clark goes to get the truck and the “Flash” shows up, causing a lazy, fat drunk to swerve and almost hit Jonathan. Before Clark can move, the Flash pushes Jonathan out of the way and steals his wallet. A multi-tasker, eh? Clark wonders who this guy with magical powers is. OPENING AND COMMERCIALS Back at the farm, Clark convinces his parents to investigate the guy before calling the cops. Jonathan and Martha plan a romantic evening, but Martha says she has to work at the “Talon”. That’s women’s rights for ya! Lana and Jason make out for a while, giving us nice shots of her ass filling her jeans quite well. Jason finds the tattoo on Lana’s back and she freaks out at him. They then go into ANOTHER set of clichéd dialogue about secrets and trust. Lana pulls a Clark and says she has secrets she can’t share with him yet. HYPOCRISY I SMELL!! At the mansion Lex uncovers an ancient artifact of some sort. In Metropolis, Clark breaks into an apartment and finds a ton of new clothes and a backpack with a familiar lightening bolt on the back. He finds out the Flash has a lot of fake licenses. Flash catches him and unloads with the lawyer talk, like “Dude, that’s my stuff, invasion of privacy and all that”. Clark gets all ballsy with him. The Flash flashes around the room, and Clark admits he has the same abilities to the chagrin of “Flash Lee Bailey” (that’s a lawyer joke there kids). Flash takes back Jonathan’s wallet and runs really fast, hence the name I guess. He ends jumping into the ocean and walking all across it, to the other side. Clark returns home, and finds the Flash drinking OJ in his kitchen. OJ??? Oh wow, what a badass. Drink a beer you pussy, you’re the FLASH! COMMERCIAL Back on the farm Flash busts Clark’s chops and tells his story. He says he was brought alive through a flash of light. Clark and he (Bart) have a heart to heart about life, love, politics, etc. Bart unleashes the old X-Men story about how his parents thought he was a freak. Too bad DC didn’t rip off a Professor X for the Flash. Looks like they’vefound their new Lois Lane with this Flash relationship for Clark. We also learn that Clark writes Lana’s name all over his notebooks. Jesus Christ, I mean I know they want Clark to look 16-17, but they also have him acting like a 12-year-old girl. I doubt Lana or Chloe would bust crap like this. The Flash also realizes that Clark don’t like the kryptonite much. The Flash then gets in Clark’s ear and tells him to go Florida. Back in the “Talon”, they discuss Florida and the impressive outbreak of Cubans that seem to show up at random intervals. Seriously though, they talk about women, and Clark gets a number from a chick. Chloe shows up and Bart unleashes a zinger of a pickup line: “I’m from the future, and I came back in time to tell you 100 years later we’re still in love”. He busts out the powers to impress Chloe. He and Chloe hit it off to Clark’s surprise. At Lex’s mansion, Lex shows Clark the artifact that has symbols from the cave on it. He wants Clark to decipher it for him. They decide to work on it together. The artifact contains too many symbols to type. Clark uses his x-ray vision to see a strange design within it. Finally the main storyline starts picking up. Clark leaves and the Flash shows up and Clark shoos him away. Lex shows up again and wants to know who Clark was talking to. Clark doesn’t have an answer. INTRIGUE! On the farm Clark tells his dad that the manuscript had kryptonian symbols on it, which translated to “Look deeper” and the design he saw with his vision was that of a map. Clever one this Clark Kent is. Some would say he was more than mere man. A “super” man if you may. Clark thinks that the map has to do with Jor-El and his quest from the first episode, which had to do with collecting those strange crystals. Clark wants to sneak back to the mansion to get a look at the map. Clark runs back into Bart and blows him off to go back to Lex’s. He and Bart have a heart to heart, and Bart gives Clark an MP3 player, which he stole. Clark wants him to know their laws. Bart tells him that the powers are gifts, but Clark says to use the powers to help people. Bart, the lawyer, tells Clark that is doesn’t matter since all these people are insured. He tells Clark that they are different and he takes off. They have this bratty, know-it-all, Bart character down really well. At the mansion, Clark is looking at the map, up until The Flash shows up and steals it, setting off the top of the line security system that sounds like a car alarm. Lex shows up and is disgruntled to say the least. COMMERCIAL Lex wants to know what happened, and Clark tries to bullshit about showing up. Lex believes him, but just barely. Lex gives Clark the guilt trip and tells him that a “real friend would never lie to me”. Clark indeed lies, showing that he is not a true friend. Lex says he will find the fiend and crush him like a bug. At the “Talon” Martha blows off Jonathan again (and not in the good way) and Lana shows up. Martha admits that the reason she got the job was that it is the only time that she can’t think about Jonathan. Lana says that with her working, that she never sees him anyway, so she loses him both ways. How sweet. Gah, this scene sucks. Move ON! Right on cue, the Flash tries to move the manuscript on the same guy he sold the wallets to in the beginning. Lex shows up and IT’S A TRAP! They club The Flash (his name becoming ironic at the moment) and Lex says to let him go. Lex admits he called the cops, and the main bad guy sends his bodyguard after Lex, allowing Lex to prove that Lois isn’t the only person in Smallville who knows kung-fu. He dismantles the first guy and gets clubbed by the second. The main dude tries to shoot the Flash, but Clark saves him, throwing him through the roof. The bodyguard guy runs away and the Flash turns on Clark unleashing the cripple-nyte. The Flash wants to leave, but Clark tells him to use his good side, while dying, and the Flash closes the lid on the cripple-nyte and takes off. COMMERCIAL On the farm Clark tells his dad he couldn’t catch Bart. They have a heart to heart and Clark decides to use his speed to visit Lex. Martha shows up and says she wants to spend time with Jonathan and exchange sickening innuendo, and then make out. In the cave Jason and Lana show up, and Lana bashes Clark’s fear of himself and tells Jason everything about her tattoo and the painting and everything. She says she rushed back from Paris to look in the caves, and yet this is the FIRST time we’ve seen her in them since she’s been back. What a liar. At the mansion, Clark tries to play stupid about what happened to Lex and shows Clark that the manuscript has indeed returned. Lex drops a bombshell, that he paid too much for his manuscript, alleviating any fears that Clark has about the authenticity of it. We then see Lex’s computer showing the same map that Clark sees when using the vision. DUM DUM DAH!! On the farm, they throw in a “Justice League” joke as the Flash returns to bid adieu to Clark. They then have a cool race down the highway where the Flash just beats the shit out of Clark handedly. I guess that’s why he’s the Flash. Shouldn’t they break the sound barrier or something? REVIEW Another rather fun episode that finally introduced some long term plot points for the show this season. This was the best episode since the first two, mostly because of the focus on the main, season long storylines, and the conflict between Clark and the Flash. The introduction of the Flash was most interesting as well since they really had the annoying young man with superpowers character down pat. His main conflict with Clark was really done well by the writers and even though we pretty much knew where they were going with the whole thing (he was going to be good and leave in the end), the tension was written better than normal. The writers thrive on recreating characters through “Smallville” in which we are never quite sure what we are going to get (read: good guy Lex, bad guy Flash). The Lex/Clark relationship is really going well with the writers placing Clark in the fault for the tension that he and Lex have, since Clark is ultimately the one who lies, and keeps things from Lex. The addition of Lex knowing the secret of the document is also very intriguing. The Lana/Jason relationship is still REALLY stuck in the mud, and doesn’t seem to really be going fast enough. It finally got a kick in the nuts at the end of the episode, but I hope the writers pick up on it soon because it is simply terrible. I was really happy with the crossover-type episode, and as a reader of mine, Matt, pointed out, the much talked about Bruce Wayne episode should be good too. Matt also brought up something that has bothered me, and I’ve been trying to keep an eye out for lately. He told me that while watching the first Season, Clark was much more careful with his powers, making sure nobody was around to see him, but now, he just takes off, and uses his heat vision at any chance, without caring whose around. It’s just carelessness on the part of the crew, or maybe a nice form of continuity in that Clark, who uses his powers so much, has become careless in hiding it from others. Anyway, just something to think about. GRADE: B SMALLVILLE: SEASON 4, EPISODE 4 "DEVOTED"   I know there isn't much that I can say that hasn't already been said about Christopher Reeve, so I won't belittle it. All I will say is that he will be sorely missed as his courage and love for his children most of all will forever be respected by me. I don't think I could have survived as long as he did, after going through what he did. He was a great actor and a great person who touched people around this globe. Now all we need is to get Margot Kidder to fly around the world and reverse time like Christopher Reeve did to save her life. In all seriousness though, he will sorely be missed. Show opens to a Christopher Reeve tribute. Very sweet. Opens to football practice with Clark sitting on the bench. They have fucking SUPERMAN on their team and he's riding the pine. This is why this team sucks. A football player blows off his girlfriend and she gives him some Gatorade, but that AIN'T Gatorade baby! He immediately decides to throw everything aside and join up with his girlfriend, even losing his spot on the team. Here comes Superman baby! A couple assholes try to belittle Clark, but he's all FUCK OFF, I'm SUPERMAN! He throws a touchdown. In the locker room, the player (Danny) who walked off the field decides to shoot the coach (Jason, Lana's boyfriend) for checking out his girlfriend. Clark of course saves. Roll Opener. COMMERCIALS (but not for long, thanks TiVO!) We return to Jason being bandaged by Lana and we realize that Danny has been expelled. Damn racists, even though Danny, and everyone else on the show are white. They kiss in a long list off bullshit, terrible, annoying "I love you so much" moments. This love tandem sucks. Now we cut to the 28-year-old high school girl walking the halls, and she and Clark banter a bit. She mocks his conformity and he bashes her as they notice all the football players drooling and being slaves for their cheerleader girlfriends. If you notice, with his blue shirt, red jacket and yellow lettering, Clark is basically wearing his Superman colors. He announces to Chloe that he can't work at the Torch too much now that he is a foosball player (joke intended). Chloe decides to investigate the goings on. All the players admire their new gear and Lex is announced as the beneficiary. Lex has a speech intended solely for Clark and Clark blows it off. Can't buy is friendship, huh? How about if I offer Lana and three Hawaiian islands? The coach drinks the magic Kool-Aid as does Chloe when she comes to interview Clark. She immediately falls in love with Clark (again) and decides to quit the Torch. She thinks by quitting she'll get closer to him by being devoted to him. Lois tries to talk her out of it cause Clark is an ass, and Chloe snaps at her. Damn Chloe got ALL sexy all of a sudden. Lois goes to the cheerleaders and hears them discussing the future of Mandy (the head cheerleader) and Clark. Lois interrupts and they have a war of words with Lois getting toppers after she sees a paper mysteriously labeled "Love Molecule" when she says, "Hmm, advanced Chem. How many cheerleaders does it take to draw a double helix?" DAMN! Now that was funny. Mandy delivers the oh so timely "bitch" line. How shitty. Cut to Chloe in Clark's jersey in his "Fortress of Solitude" as she seduces him. Damn Chloe just got HOTTER. Is this the old Alison Mack from the "Goosebumps" show? How they grow up. Chloe tries to grab his super-wang, but Clark stops her, probably citing the "Mallrats" Superman, sex, ejaculation dialogue. She straddles him and makes out with him. Clark doesn't stop her. Oh the dog! Clark comes down the next morning and comes clean (ha!) to his mom about Chloe's coming on to him. He admits he's still in love with Lana. His mom tells him to drop Chloe like a used condom if he isn't into her. Jonathan comes in and he and Clark have a heart to heart about Clark wanting to use his powers and his dad telling him, "When I was a boy, we didn't have super powers on the field. I had to run, uphill, both ways on that field and scored touchdowns based on natural ability...And I fucked a lot a' hoes DAWG!!" Lana and Jason meet up and plan something for after school. On the field Clark and Lana meet up, but Clark thinks he's there to see her. Jason gets really pissed and jealous because he's drinking the magic Kool-Aid. Lois asks Clark what he did to Chloe and before he can answer, Chloe arrives...in a Cheerleaders uniform, looking like a pound of dough tied together with dental floss in that thing. What the hell, I'd still nail her cause Alison Mack is HOT! Clark has some of the magic Kool-Aid and immediately has a reaction to it. Jason tells him to get on the field and then tells the D to kick Clark's ass. And that they do. They splice in a bunch of great clips of Chloe cheering Clark on. That made this whole sequence worth it. Back on the farm Clark is nursing his wounds and Jason shows up and kicks the shit out of him. Does Jason have mystical powers too? Only time will tell. The answer is no, as Lex shows up and kicks Jason's ass, sending him scurrying away, but Lex doesn't realize who it is. COMMERCIAL Lex offers to call the cops as Clark feigns any idea of who it was. The green Kool-Aid drips out of Clark's nose and he immediately heals, as Lex gives him a suspicious look. Lex had showed up to give Clark all the documents he ever had on him and says that he has a dark side, and Clark's friendship keeps the "darkness at bay". How sweet. At the school Clark and Lois try to investigate the coach and realize that the cheerleaders had made some sort of concoction in their science class. Lois realizes that Clark had some of that to drink and wonders why he hasn't been infected. The cheerleaders are having a pool party and Lois volunteers Clark's services. At the party, all the guys are dressed like women and the women are relaxing. Clark has to steal the document in Mandy's bag, and announces that he is "Devoted to her". Haha. They make out in the weight room and Lois sneaks in to steal the document. Clark's attempt at being a "Stepford Husband" is pretty funny, especially with Lois in the background. Clark tells Mandy he's a virgin in another really funny delivered line. His covering up of his non infected nature is really great. Lois steals the bag and Chloe attacks her with a giant wrench, which Lois blocks, WITH HER HANDS. Jesus Christ. Lois then kicks Chloe in the head, and onto a heated steel object which cures her. They come in to "save Clark" from the evils of sex. Clark obliges by jumping off the table and putting his clothes back on. What a tool. Mandy then goes on about how she is sick of being "second to a football". Now I am not a rocket scientist, but a girl is at LEAST equal to a football. Can a football cook you dinner? No. Can it please you in the middle of the night? Sometimes. Can you take it home to meet your mother? Yes. Ok well, a football is almost as good as a girl. Lois understands my point, and defends the men by saying that there was no reason to drug them. They realize it is the heat that snaps them out of it, just like when he stopped the attempted murderer by buning his shotgun. Mandy calls for recruits, and Lois kicks their ass as Clark burns a pipe and covers the players with hot steam curing them all. He does an awful job covering up his actions, but just like a stupid character on the show, Lois believes it. COMMERCIAL Clark shows up at Lex's mansion and Lex shows him the empty room where his investigation of Clark was being held. He offers his hand to Clark and he accepts. Clark asks for help with Lois. Jason apologizes for his actions before the big game. Clark asks who the girl was that Jason threatened to kick his ass over, but Jason feigns knowledge. On the field, we get a shot of Smallville high, which is comprised of hot skinny girls. I think I need to go back to high school. Clark launches a pass with no time left and it is...caught for the touchdown. And the cliché count for the past two episodes reaches about 15. Jonathan is in the stands and looks pissed/sad/happy. Now THAT is range. Post game, Chloe apologizes for acting like a sexy beast, and admits she has feelings for him. Clark shoots her down. They have another poke at Superman with Clark being a superhero on the field and a reporter. Lois arrives and tells Clark she is off to Metropolis College, thanks to Lex and Clark. They say their goodbyes and we get the fade and an In Memoriam for Christopher Reeve. END SHOW REVIEW This was a MUCH better episode than last week. There were a few weak points and clichés, but at least is had some really good humor, with Chloe and Clark especially. The Lana/Jason storyline is really damn boring right now and needs some spice immediately. It is probably the worst thing on the show right now since it is chock full out of clichés from a relationship in an episode of "Dawson's Creek" in the last few seasons. One of the absolute worst things about this season though is the lack of advancement. We had story development with Clark's ability to fly, Lex's declining health, Lionel in jail, Lex's investigation and obsession with Clark and the cave. Now: Clark can't fly, Lex seems healthy as ever, Lionel has been forgotten and Clark and Lex are best friends again. The spice for this dynamic, Lois had it's unbelievable (read: bad) moments, but has been a breath of fresh air in this season riddled with clichés and recycled storylines. It would have been interesting for them to advance on the Chloe storyline by having Clark be into her, and have a relationship, instead of just keeping it as Chloe being the chunky girl who can't get anywhere with the stud, to Lana's hot girl who has the guy on a leash. Too much recycled stuff, but this episode was inoffensive for the most park, and was just strange fun. GRADE: C SMALLVILLE: SEASON 4, EPISODE 3 "KRYPT/TUCK" Hello chiefs. Sorry this is so late, but I had major TV troubles that led to a loss of my signal on Wednesdays of all days. The good news about all of this is that I now have a 61-inch DLP TV with high definition and TIVO! Boo yeah! The bad news is that the tape I received started a bit late into the episode and so I'll be working handicapped, much more than normal. Anyway, once again I pimp out www.thewrestlingfan.com, the only satire wrestling site on the net. Check it out and have a laugh. Your life will be better for it. It's true, Tony Robbins told me. SMALLVILLE: SEASON 4, EPISODE 3 "KRYPT/TUCK" Well my tape cuts in to some acne/wart infested girl staring at her reflection in disgust. I don't blame her. Her face looks like Triple H's ass after years of rampant steroid injection (allegedly). She flashes back to some mad scientist woman who is helped her be beautiful by injecting her with kryptonite. I think this girl is going to get lymphoma. Hey, the tape isn't that far behind because we immediately get the new credits. COMMERCIALS We return to Clark daydreaming about playing football. Is he going to daydream about the team shower afterwards? Only time will tell. Lois arrives and they yack a bit. Her dad comes to spice up the scene and we find out that Lois is in high school?!?! What? This girl is like 28. She's just as unbelievable as a teen as Tom Welling was playing a 9th grader, four years ago. We then get the shocking swerve that Lois will now be at Smallville high for 5 credits since she flunked. She isn't that into being a reporter for the Torch like Chloe suggests. Maybe she should just focus on school since she is 28 AND STILL GONG TO HIGH SCHOOL! Didn't Chloe mention Lois worked for the "Daily Planet" or another newspaper a few seasons ago? Maybe I made that up. I'd like for anyone with a better memory to remind me. Abigail, the girl injected with kryptonite shocks the world (well the fake "Smallville" world) by looking like a billion bucks and has everyone drooling over her. If she's injected with kryptonite, shouldn't Clark be rolling on the floor right now like an epileptic? Me thinks there be a continuity error here, but I'll find out as the episode continues. By the way, I'm flipping to GTV with my new direct TV receiver (greatest invention EVER, next to HD) and I catch a glimpse of the stunning Morgan Webb. This girl is absolutely spectacular and makes all gamers around the world break their joysticks through constant jerking. What a babe. Anyway, back to Smallville and more babes. Clark wanders over as Lois finds an article regarding teenage self esteem issues in high school. IT'S BEEN DONE. Speaking of other strange coincidences, Lana's new boyfriend is in fact the new assistant high school football coach. She and him make out until Clark comes in to try out. Cut to Martha telling Jonathan that Lex offered her a job as manager at the Talon and they agree. They then kiss and I shudder at the recycled storyline already. Plus a mom working at a coffee shop is so "One Tree Hill" and "Smallville" better stay as far away from that turd as it can. Clark joins the team, and manages to impress the coach to the lack of shock from myself. Abigail runs by again and all the players drool over her, and then go shower together. We follow Abi into the hallway and she is hit on by a football player. He convinces her to do to the boys locker room. Yeah this is definitely somewhere "more private". They have a shower together, but since the player is so used to showering with me, he just can't seem to get it up. Well I made that part up. Anyway, Abi starts hearing things and takes off, but not before the player realizes that his face is disintegrating, and takes off screaming "My face" in a scene so horribly lame I can't help but laugh. That was terrible. Cut to Lois yacking on the phone and then running this same guy over. Of course she was talking on her cell phone. Women. Can't live with em, and they can't pee standing up. COMMERCIAL We return to Lois giving a police report and blaming the guy for running in front of her car and NOT BECAUSE SHE WAS DISTRACTED ON HER PHONE! What a liar. Lois is suspicious of his actions while Clark isn't. We cut to the men's locker room (going for the demo again) and Lois enters to the joy of the men. Clark in a jealous huff takes off and finds Abigail's necklace in the shower. Intrigue. Cut to the Talon where Lex and Lana have a tet-a-tet over Lana's scripture books which she is using to decipher her tattoo. Nice continuity. I'm looking forward to the payoff of this angle. Jonathan is on the porch and is angered at Clark's joining of the team. This too is a nice bit of continuity harkening back to season one where Clark wanted to join the team but Jonathan wouldn't let him for the sake of exposing his powers. This sudden interest in football with Clark is out of nowhere though, since we've seen him play basketball more times than football. Lana is in the kryptonite doctor's office and finds out that the "tattoo" on her back is branded under her skin. We also find out that this doctor is Abigail's mother as she checks out Lana in more ways than one. Abigail shows up and the doctor decides to take out Lana since Lana saw Abigail and Bret, the football player in the hall. The doctor threatens Abi with no more treatments if she doesn't comply. Now why won't anyone ever threaten Joan Rivers like this? Lana and Jason wind up in a room with a disco ball and the yack about nothing really major. Jason ties Lana with a blindfold and leaves her in the disco room. All of a sudden Abigail shows up and surprise, surprise we get Abigail kissing Lana (YES!) and spreading the disease to her (NO!). That was both the hottest and most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Well not really but it applies. It looks like the whenever someone looks in a mirror it appears that their face is disintegrating but, it actually isn't. Hmm. Lana knocks over a full length mirror onto herself and cuts up her face and arms. COMMERCIAL Back at Clark's other home, the hospital, Lana is sleeping and Lex and Jason meet up. I'm surprised this girl hasn't gotten permanent brain damage after all these concussions and comas and head traumas. Lex brings up that Jason is from a rich family, and that Jason's dad has cut him off from the funds. Lex gets a jealous dig in and leaves. They've been teasing this Lex/Lana thing for about 2 years now, and the payoff better be good. Chloe meets up with Clark in the hospital and makes the usual "Chloe leap of logic" where she takes the possibility of Abigail having plastic surgery, and Lana seeing Abigail with Bret last, and deduces that Abigail has had plastic surgery and is probably "more beast than beauty." We also learn that the reason they believe their face is falling apart is due to a spike in serotonin, which causes LSD like hallucinations. We then see Lois in the doctor's office asking for some plastic surgery. She gets the story out of the doctor, until Lois's tape recorder goes all retarded and gets her busted. Lois delivers the old cliché that "beauty is on the inside", but the doctor grabs her by the hair, stabs her in the neck with a syringe and says the ones that say that are "already the ones who have it on the outside." Chloe and Clark find out of the doctor's old procedure and how it boosted the serotonin levels in people, until a medication was found. Now they realize that Abi is passing this to others somehow and that Lois is in the doctor's office. These kids are too damn clever for their own good. Cut to Lois strapped to a table and looking great in her bra. The doctor says that Lois is going to suffer how Abi did, but this procedure will make Lois insane so her story will be worthless. Clark arrives in the nick of time, AGAIN and saves Lois only to get a face full of kryptonite and a face full of notebook by the doctor. What a wimp. Lois busts out the kung-fu on the doctor as we get some nice shots of Lois in her under-roos. They're slowly wooing back my sexuality here. Lois helps Clark out and then kicks the doctor again and delivers the "bitch" line. Cue laughter. I hate that fucking cliché. COMMERCIAL We return to Lana and Jason in the Talon and they blather on about how we all shouldn't be judged by the outside. Barf. In a perfect fucking world. This horrid cliché ridden dialogue keeps going, and going much like a later episode of Dawson's Creek. Glad that was over, as we join the Kent farm with Jonathan doing work and Clark with the football gear announcing he will stay on the team. He "doesn't want to live life on the sidelines." Jesus, who wrote this episode? A group of teenage girls? Jonathan gives Clark a verbal dressing down, but the make up in the end by practicing together. And all is right with the world. Back in school, we learn the doctor is in a psyche ward and Abi will be back. They're on their way to a pep rally and find out that Lois's article was a hit and then proceed to deliver the worst acted and delivered dialogue in Smallville history. In the pep rally Clark is in the not cliché dunk tank while Lois throws footballs to drop him in the water. Clark bashes her abilities and we are treated to a slow motion shot of Lois throwing the ball and dunking him. She then runs up to him and rubs her hand in his hair and they smile at each other. What the fuck is this shit? The show ends on yet ANOTHER recycled storyline as Chloe gets the jealous look on her face about what is going on. Thank god this is over. ROLL CREDITS SMALLVILLE NEXT WEEK: EPISODE 4 "THIRST" Gatorade makes everyone horny. Uh, ok. REVIEW This was a terrible episode from top to bottom. The acting, especially from Lois and Chloe was especially bad, and the contrived plot as well as the gargantuan leaps in logic was startling. The writers have resorted to recycling storylines repeatedly, and they just aren't that interesting. I mentioned last week that there just seems to be a template for these episodes where we get the opening tease, Clark's normal life, someone near Clark is in danger and gets hurt, Clark visits them and vows revenge, Clark's other friend gets kidnapped, and he appears just in time to save the day. It's nearing joke territory. Clark's love of football was out of nowhere since he abandoned it in season one and then all of a sudden he's dreaming of being a football star. This just stunk to high hell of clichés about the difficulty of being judged on the outside rather than the inside. We've heard it all before, and I do NOT come to "Smallville" for my cliché ridden, boring social commentary. I have never witnessed a worse written episode of this show in my life. They never felt the need to preach and just dig out social commentary that has been around for decades on this show. What was worse was that they offered absolutely nothing new with it. I understand how terribly difficult it is for women because of our media, but should a show who boasts Erica Durance, Tom Welling, Allison Mack and Kristen Kreuk really be offering us social commentary on what it's like to be ugly? This is like that scene in "Fight Club" where Tyler Durden complains about how buff and good looking people try to be, because it's what the media tells us, only for Brad Pitt and Edward Norton to take their shirts off and be cut like fucking stone. This just reeks of hypocrisy and was so clichéd I thought a twelve-year-old girl whose highlight is writing for "Seventeen" magazine wrote this episode. Simply terrible. GRADE: D- I welcome any opinions on the episode. Was this as bad as I thought it was? Let me know because I am shocked at how poor this was. Dr. G SMALLVILLE: SEASON 4, EPISODE 2 "GONE"   Hello all and welcome back to episode two of the Smallville review. Hope you all enjoyed the first one, and enjoy this one even more. This review is much more humorous than the first, so if you don't like it, I'll be forced to assume that my humor is just to smart for you. Also, you can see me dispensing evil over at The Wrestling Fan (www.thewrestlingfan.com), the only satire site that can save your soul, guaranteed! SMALLVILLE: SEASON 4, EPISODE 2 "GONE" Show opens with Clark and Lois walking in a field and eventually reaching Chloe's death site, a ten foot frame being the only remembrance of her former existence. The irony then ends up being that this was supposed to be Chloe's "safe house", but it ended up being her "death house"! Oh the ironing is delicious. They look around until a helicopter makes it's re-debut to the series and chases Lois down a hill, while two commandoes attempt to beat up Clark. Two guesses on who wins that battle. Lois is then accosted by another commando and begins kicking the shit out of him. A reporter beats up a trained US commando. No wonder the Iraqi rebels are giving the US such a run for their money. A five foot tall, 110 lb max, babe of a reporter, then meets up with Clark and they take off. Roll opening, re-cut credits. COMMERCIALS We return to Clark showering (looks like they are trying to get the KEY 18-49 gay demographic) and Lois interrupting him until Martha interrupts them. This leads to Clark and Lois explaining what happened in the field. Elsewhere, Lana finds the tattoo that is now on her back also appears in a picture with Clark in the cave. DUM DUM DAH!! Lex meets up with Lionel in jail, with Lionel threatening Lex with constant trouble after Lionel is acquitted. Which definitely guilty, yet acquitted former killer (allegedly) would you rather meet in an alley, Lionel or OJ? You decide! The phone lines are open. Cut to Lex meeting up with Lana who wants to rent the apartment in now closed Talon. Looks like Lex is following in his father's early footsteps: a slumlord. COMMERCIALS Cut to Lois sneaking out of the Kent house, but not before the camera generously shows Clark's muscular back (there's the demo again). She heads over to Chloe's grave and with a shovel. Did she stop at the Pet Cemetery on the way there to give Chloe a new pet? No! She is digging up her cousin's grave! You go Lois! Metaphor becomes literal as Lois begins to dig up dirt on Chloe's existence while literally digging up dirt. I knew this show was deeper than most people give it credit for. She opens the coffin to find...nobody! Clark was right. A stranger calls out to Lois, asking where Chloe is. Lois takes out her pepper spray (what happened to the kung foo?) and the man advances. Suddenly his arm morphs into a blade, and he attacks! T-1000 in the house! He knocks Lois over, but suddenly he gets knocked on the head. Lana in the house! She promptly sprays T-1000 in the face and they drive to Clark's house. AWK-WARD! Lana volunteers her services for finding Chloe as Lois spills the beans about Lana's Paris fling. AWK-WARD version 2!! Back in the fortress of solitude, Clark is upset about the Lana incident and Lois gabs his ear off about stupid Chloe. Suddenly a chopper arrives, and the general comes face to face with Clark. Lois greets him with, "Hi, daddy", but says it in such a nonsexual way, I can only deduce that he is actually her father. COMMERCIALS We find out that Lois's father works at the Pentagon, and the Kent's invite him to dinner, but he suddenly leaves with Lois, but not before she hugs Clark and tells him that this is connected to Chloe. If I were Clark, I wouldn't have heard shit. All the blood in my body would have been rushing south. We find Lex investigating his plane incident. We get the big reunion between Clark and Lex, as Clark is very cold to him, and Lex is just a genuinely nice guy. Lex drops the bomb and says exactly what I was thinking, that Chloe's casket is empty because she was disintegrated! This morbid scene is then directly followed by Lionel in the shower (DAMN THAT DEMOGRAPHIC!) I must say John Glover is ripped like hell for a guy in his twenties let along 60. Then in a huge swerve, Lionel is stabbed! Holy shit! And with a knife, not a skin flute, as you might have heard prison showers are like. NO! I hope he doesn't die. He's the most intriguing character on this show. COMMERCIALS We then find Lois searching her father's office until Clark interrupts her. They have an endearing heart to heart while rifling through files. They find the address about an old reporter woman who died a while ago and was Chloe's hero. Lois's dad still pencils her in for appointments, so either Lois isn't the only one in the family who likes digging up graves or that's where Chloe is held. Clark uses his super speed and takes off to the house and finds a computer, and a "Wall of weird". He kicks down a door and finds two dead bodies. He turns to find Lex staring back at him through a doorway! COMMERCIALS Back from commercial Lionel is in the bed and talking to T-1000. Turns out T-1000 killed those two officers and Lionel is looking for Chloe. Trent, or T-1000, as I like to call him wants more money. Turns out T-1000 was in Bellreive, the hospital that brainwashed Lex. Lionel tells T-1000 he will make him normal if he kills Chloe before the trial. Back in the house, Lex explains that Chloe and her dad were in the house, but Lex's men ushered them into underground tunnels that were there from the old underground railroads. Lex actually saved her life. They escaped the explosion but not the kidnapping. Lex gets a call and is told that Chloe is in a steel mill of sorts. Clark takes off. We cut to Chloe hanging from a chain but escaping. She's cut off by the T-1000, as this is obviously an homage to "Terminator 2". At the end I'm sure Clark will tell Chloe, "There's still one chip left" while pointing to his head and doing a swan dive into lava. Clark arrives as T-1000 is choking Chloe and knocks him to hell. T-1000 bashed at Clark but Clark is a man of steel and all. That goes nowhere. Clark then rears back and punches through T-1000 because he's liquid and all. That was pretty cool. Suddenly Lois appears and shoots T-1000 with an electro-gun and Clark shoots him the stink eye (aka fire eyes) and he explodes and falls to the lava. They have a nice reunion with Chloe and leave. COMMERCIALS Back in the Kent farm, Clark reads a newspaper labeled "Guilty" in regards to Lionel Luther. Clark is really suspicious of Lex while his parents shockingly try to convince Clark that Lex is an ok guy. Clark harkens back to the cave wall, which stated that he is destined to have an archenemy, and deduces that the enemy is Lex, not Lionel. Clark must read the Superman comics. Back in the caves, Lana searches around for the symbol and Clark meets up with her. Lana, also an avid comic reader, foreshadows the Clark and Lois relationship. She catches the symbol on the wall and then goes back to talking about relationships with Clark. She leaves and Clark looks at the archenemy symbol on the wall. Cut to the jail, where Lex meets up with his father who utters the ominous words, "Don't wound what you can't kill." All the prisoners check out Lionel as he enters the jail, wanting some of that tight 60-year-old ass I assume. Back in the Talon, Lana is cleaning up, but the Talon looks EXACTLY like it did before it was closed. She hears something and finds the guy from Paris who delivers the second Cary Grant reference of the episode (The first being Lois telling Clark about their "North by Northwest" moment earlier in the episode). Paris guy (Jason) tries to leave after Lana won't explain why she left Paris. She says she can't go to Paris again, but he says he is here to be with her. ROLL CREDITS NEXT WEEK ON SMALLVILLE: EPISODE #3 "KRYPT/TUCK LANA KISSES ANOTHER CHICK!! That's all you need to know. WATCH IT! BEST SCENE/LINE Hands down, Lionel's stabbing scene gets top honors. Attempted murder classical music= awesome! REVIEW This was another solid episode in a row with a few minor problems. The action was solid all the way through, and the explanation of Chloe's disappearance was done well, although a bit cheap. The Lois and Clark relationship is drenched in clichés with the "I hater her"/"She hates me" crap, but they make up for it with little quirks in the dialogue. I didn't know where the whole Lionel stabbing went (ie nowhere). The Lana relationship with Jason has good possibilities especially if they follow through with it like the writers of "Everwood" did with their two main characters. Don't have one fight break them up, and don't have Lana waiver in affection for Clark and Jason. If their relationship is done well then this could spice up the Clark/Lana relationship at the same time. The cave markings with Lana is very intriguing, and they have some great possibilities there. They have to go back to why she was hit with it in Paris, and through the painting too. The Lex and Clark relationship is great and I am most interested in the Lionel/Smallville relationship and how he plans to pull strings from behind bars. Great stuff there. The action is a bit stale and is starting to rely too much on Clark speeding off somewhere and people being saved by other people, who have no reason, or enough knowledge to be at that location (i.e. Lana at the Cemetery and Lois at the factory). They need to switch this up or it will reach the point of parody, and I'm sure it has it's own basic template in the writers room of how to structure an episode. GRADE: B Well that's all for now. Tune in next week for another trip to Smallville, Kansas. Until then, enjoy. Dr. Gonzo SMALLVILLE: SEASON 4, EPISODE 1 "CRUSADE" Welcome everyone to the review of the first episode of the new season of Smallville. I've been a fan of the show from the start, and a fan of Superman comics for ages. For all the people who know the never ending battle between Superman or Batman, I am a stern supporter of having Superman's powers. Everyone who votes Batman just wants to be a millionaire and have sex with lots of hot women. But I would rather be powered by earths sun, and fly, and have super strength...I am such a fucking dork. Anyway, I spend my time writing for a wrestling site (found at www.thewrestlingfan.com) which I highly recommend you all visiting, as you will laugh your ass off. I'm 22 years old, and a college graduate currently working a barely above minimum wage job, so I end up watching lots of television, and being an English major I write a lot too so I decided to combine my two passions, so here I am. Anyway, enough blither blathering, onto the review! WHAT HAPPENED LAST SEASON: CLARK, fresh off being inhabited by red kryptonite returns to Smallville, Kansas and finds things are worse off than when he left them. Lana doesn't want to talk to him after jilting her, but still harnesses her affection for him. Clark connects with a native American chief and a woman who see him as the savior of their tribe. All of this is written in a cave wall that Lionel and Lex seem so interested in. A strange octagonal shape is on the far wall, which coincidentally bears the exact same shape of the key on Clark's spaceship. Clark then meets up with Dr Swan (Christopher Reves) who informes him that Clark is indeed from a planet titled Krypton, and his name is in fact Kal El (an interesting note: When Clark left for Metropolis in the season finale, he was known in the big city as "Kal"). Clark then learns that his father, Jor El, had been on earth in 1961 and had an affair with Lana's aunt (why are all of these incestuous angles ALWAYS on TV shows?) Clark also uses his powers in front of Lex, but luckily for him, Lex's father places him under electro-shock therapy to wipe Lex's memory of the fact that Lionel had his own parents killed. Finally, late in the season, a girl appears in Smallville who claims to be from Krypton and asks Clark to return with her. We find out that she is in fact being controlled by Jor El for the purpose of luring Clark back to his possession. The key in the cave wall was in fact a portal for Clark back to Jor El. Clark, against Jonathan's wishes, goes anyway. LANA, spends the entire season casing Clark and being the damsel in distress. Her main story doesn't begin until the end of the season where she decies to go to France to study art, and leaves Clark behind after he ends things because being with him is too dangerous for her. The writers tease a budding relationship between her and Lex at the end of the episode as Lex goes to the airport to wish her "bone-voyage" (that's a joke) and Clark spies on them. LEX's arc dealt with the failed attempt on his life by his ex wife and subsequent stranding of her in the middle of he ocean. Working with Chloe, he finds out that his father killed his grandparents, and that his suspicions about Clark are at an all time high. His dad sends him through electroshock therapy and makes Lex think that he is crazy, forcing all around him to question his sanity as well. He and Clark's friendship ended when Clark discovered the room dedicated o him in Lex's mansion. Someone, in the season finale, poisoned Lex. JONATHAN & MARTHA KENT had to deal with Clark's absence, but mostly had to deal with his secret. Jonathan, at times, was being controlled by Jor El, ever since h took the task of getting powers from Jo El, so he could stop Clark's rampage in Metropolis. He and Jor El had a bond ever since, and in the season finale, he tried to stop Clark from going to Jor El, but was put in a coma by Clark's real father (2 dad's on different planets fighting it out=good television!) CHLOE took a deal to work with Lionel in exchange for column in the "Daily Planet" paper. Her job was to spy on Clark and get all his info. She later turned her reporting skills on Lionel and discovered that he had his parents killed. Her testimony would put him in prison, but in the season finale, she was blown up (allegedly). LIONEL LUTHER was deeply interested in Clark and just played an all around bad guy the entire season. John Glover plays him so well, and with such depth that you love and hate him at the same time. Lionel found out that he had cancer and used Clark's blood to keep him alive, and was later arrested for the whole parent-murdering incident and is currently incarcerated. WHAT HAPPENED THIS EPISODE: Clark returns buck-naked and in the middle of a corn field and runs into Lois Lane, who is in town to investigate her cousin Chloe's death. Chloe had left a tape in case she was killed, begging Clark to find the killer. Lois get this tape and drove to Smallville in hopes of finding Clark. Lukily he does, but unluckily he only knows himself to be "Kal El of Krypton". She takes him to the hospital where Martha is waiting with Jonathan, who is still in the coma. She takes Clark home, but he tells her that he is "waiting for sign." Lex, still alive, is in the middle east unearthing and artifact. We find out, as his plane is in the air, that his blood needs to be cleansed every so often or he will die (compliments of the poison, which would have killed 99% of most men). The artifact breaks revealing a stone which begins to emit a light. Back in Smallville, Kal El hears it and for the first time in the series, he flies to the plane (who hoo!) He rips open the plane door, grabs the artifact and takes off. Lex sees nothing really, but blames his dad later on when he visits him in jail. Lana, in Paris, meets a boy and during an art expedition is assaulted by a ray of light. She wakes up in bed, naked(who hoo!) and takes a shower, not remembering how she got there. She then notices a tattoo on her back that mysteriously resembles part of the sculpture... Lois keeps meddling around the Kent farm and gets kicked off my Martha. She then visits Lionel in jail and accuses him of killing Chloe. Like any good bad guy he denies it. Martha is visited by Dr. Swan's assistant/lover/ex-lover played by the former Lois Lane, Margot Kidder. She gives Martha black kryptonite to use on Clark. Martha confronts Clark after he delivers the piece he stole from Lex in a secret part of the cave. She uses the kryptonite on him, breaking him off from Kal El, and leaving Clark behind. Jonathan immediately wakes up. The end of the episode finds Clark and Lois at Chloe's grave. Clark offers to help her find the killer and offers her a place at the farm to live. She accepts and curious Clark uses his x-ray vision to peak in the coffin and see that Chloe's body is not there. Cue: "Lois, Chloe is not dead." Roll Credits. DEBUTS Erica Durance comes in as Lois Lane and fills those pants DAMN well. REVIEW A very solid start to the new season, the writers for the show are in cruise control. The performances are stronger than ever before, with Tom Welling being particularly improved over the past few years. The episode was intriguing, dramatic and altogether captivating. Clark's emergence as Kal-El, his ability to fly, Martha's dramatic problems, Lois's arrival, Lex's interesting plot twist, Lana's strange turn and the teaser at the end of the episode all laid the tracks for an amazing season. Last season, the writers pretty much strayed away from the weird mutation characters and focused on the main players of the show instead. With so many branching and diverse storylines, this looks to be the most promising season yet. Let's hope the writing stays up to snuff. GRADE: A I hope you all enjoyed the first review of Smallville, and are looking forward to the rest of this season as well. Thanks for reading and come back for more. Take care. Dr. Gonzo ________________________________________________________________________________________