RAW RANT ARCHIVE: JULY 2004













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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (July 2004)

Raw Rant: (07/05/04) By Sean Carless

Special thanks go to Michael Melchor for helping a brutha out with last week’s Raw Rant…

Anyhoo, tonight’s Raw comes to us from the baron prairie wasteland that is Manitoba, home of Chris Jericho and little else….

Tonight Eugene is General manager, thus marking the first time I can recall a retard being given so much power over so many people…oh, wait…scratch that, when was the election again?....

Anyway, the show opens with a strange variety of superstars in the ring that include Tyson Tomko, Tajiri, Coach, Stacy Keibler, Jerry Lawler, Ric Flair and WINNEPEG’s OWN…BUT NOT QUITE “OWN” ENOUGH TO PREVENT HIM FROM MAKING NEW YORK HIS NEW HOME….Chris Jericho!

G.M. Eugene then comes out and declares that those in the ring would compete for a championship match later tonight in a game of musical chairs! It is said that Lou Thesz and Buddy Rogers disputed the World Title in the very same manner…

The game commences with Tajiri being the first eliminated. Coach laughs at Tajiri for being eliminated, and NOT for having inadequate genitals as the cruel rumor about his people suggests. Tajiri responds by blowing green mist in Coach’s face which leads to his elimination.

Next eliminated is surprisingly Jerry Lawler whom I figured usually picks up his potential mates at this sort of thing (~Sean you cad!).

It is at this point that Ric Flair STEALS the show strutting and pretending to dry hump Stacy (which is ironic since his son David almost married her in real life). The buzzer goes off and being the gentleman he is, Flair shoves Stacy and takes her chair thus eliminating her.

This leaves Flair, Y2J, and Tomko who is surprisingly quite adept at this game even though he looks like he’d sooner eat children than play any of their games. Flair once again begins “stylin’ and profilin’, only this time the buzzer goes off in mid-strut eliminating the “Nature boy”.

This leaves only Tomko and Jericho, with Y2J getting the win after pulling the seat from under Tomko and smashing him in the ribs with it.

Jericho is then announced the winner and will face Randy Orton tonight and not Benoit as most of the crowd were probably hoping. Silly Manitobans. No one rubs Hunter’s rhubarb this close to the PPV.

All in all a really funny segment.

La Resistance Vs. Rhyno and Val Venis. JR announced that Rhyno is on a quest to find a tag team partner to thwart La Rez, this week choosing The Big Valbowski to aid him in his mission. And for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what a Rhino and porn star would have in common….well besides penetrating people with their “horn”….

Anyway, La Rez doesn’t exactly get a great reaction, as WWE hopefully learns that the rest of Canada doesn’t exactly have warm and fuzzy feelings for Quebec.

Not a bad match, but it sort of had that lame duck feel to it where you knew Val & Rhyno weren’t going over. Speaking of Val, he may have the single most disturbing font on his tights ever, looking as if he sat on the floor of an Adult theater….

The end comes when Rhyno looks to gore, but gets a post as a result, and Grenier then prevents a fisherman suplex by Val to Conway and the two finish The Big Valbowski with their finisher the “Au Revoir”.

Backstage, Evolution aren’t very happy about Eugene, when they find the G.M. in his “office”, which is basically a big inflatable jumping tent.

Eugene announces that Batista will face Kane tonight, and Flair will face the Tag team champions, La Resistance at Vengeance with his partner….Eugene!

Flair practically goes bat-shit and tries to attack Eugene but is held back by Evolution.

HHH comes out for his weekly ego-fuck and announces that he’ll win the title at Vengeance. Hunter then says that Benoit’s reign as champion has been comparable to divine intervention, before announcing that at the PPV he’ll prove that not even God can stop Evolution.

Umm, last time I checked “evolution” means “progression”, and things move forward when the old way outlives its usefulness….and besides, no one ever said to the cave men, Ok, you’re just not ready to walk upright yet… Ok, I have nothing here…

 Anyway, at this point Edge(!?) makes an appearance , and says he’ll be the one who finally stops Evolution.

I’m sorry, but I’m a fan of Edge and everything, but I‘m finding a hard time suspending disbelief for his “intense anger” after so many years of him playing Bill S. Preston, Esquire to Christian’s Theodore R. Logan. But what I will say is, damn is Edge turning into HHH or what? And H’s was worried about Jericho having too similar a look to his? Edge is a younger, faster version of Trips at this point, and if Edge ever gets a hankering for some “big boned” women, Trips may finally have met his match…

Anyway, HHH responds that many have tried to stop him, but all have failed, prompting Edge to strike him before retreating to the crowd when the other Evo members run-in for the save.

Kane Vs. Batista; This one had the potential to be a catastrophe, with Batista playing the Titanic while Kane reprised his role as the “big fucking iceberg”, but luckily, Batista held this one together. ( and who’d ever think they’d say THAT.)

The two exchange Hosstastic offense as Jim Ross probably paints his drawyers in excitement at the prospect of these two “big bulls” goin’ at it.

After exchanging a side suplex and spinebuster respectively, the two spill to the floor where an enraged Matt Hardy attacks Kane causing an apparent DQ. Wow, the way he attacked Kane, you’d think Matt had his girlfriend impregnated by a demonic pyro-maniac with apparent super-natural powers or something.

Backstage, Matt Hardy is approached by the unbridled charisma that is Todd Grisham. Matt relays that this Sunday, what you saw out there with Kane…well, that won’t happen, in actuality I’ll probably job in about 3 to 4 minutes, tops”…Ok, he didn’t say that. But come on.

Grisham than makes mention that some people are saying that Lita is carrying Kane’s baby, most likely due to the fact that Lita announced that herself, but don’t let the facts get in the way of a good angle.  Matt then answers by ummm, saying nothing?

We get footage from the “Raw over-paid whore” search from California, where one “contestant” announces that the most beautiful women in the world are from California, but what she doesn’t tell you was that most of these women’s original parts are floating in mason jars somewhere. Damn, my original 1988 series Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures had less plastic in them than most of these women.  ….But I’d still hammer it home, that I can promise you. I’m nothing, if I’m not completely honest.

Chris Jericho Vs. Randy Orton: Intercontinental Title match; The crowd is rabidly behind Y2J and JR announces that Jericho was the winner of the prestigious order of the benevolent antelope or something, whatever. See, that’s the real reason why Jericho moved to the states right there. If they’re going to give you an award in the states, at least there’s usually a little cash involved and not just a plaque with some ridiculous half-extinct animal on it.

A VERY good match ensues, and it’s given A LOT of time to boot. Crowd completely eats up everything Jericho does here as he gets a ton of near falls.  Batista eventually makes his way down to the ring and gets involved right away, pulling Jericho from the ring.

Eventually, Batista tries get involved again, but Jericho delivers a spring board dropkick. Orton attempts an RKO in the confusion but Jericho counters that into the Walls and looks to have things won, when he is distracted AGAIN by Batista, and of course goes after him but unfortunately eats the most DEVASTATING finish in WWE history…the ROLL-UP… only with Orton’s feet on the ropes for leverage.

Winner: Orton; Losers: Manitoba. (sorry)

Backstage we see HHH in Eugene’s “office” bouncing up and down. HHH then panting, sweaty and physically spent rolls himself awkwardly through a large hole….much like he did on his honeymoon…. Ok, no more Steph jokes, I promise.

HHH then tells Flair that tonight, Eugene and Flair…and HHH will face Benoit & Edge in a handi-cap match. The best part of this segment was Flair’s dramatic “I’m going to puke!” over the prospect of having to team with Eugene.

Molly Holly Vs. Dancin’ Victoria Vs. Nidia’s tits: “Contract on a (wish it was mine) pole” match. The winner of this match  will face Trish at some point. Trish comes out for the match and sits at the commentator’s desk sporting a cast for her injured wrist as I wonder to myself how many of her fans have the same problem after watching her matches?

This one is kind of thrown together, but there’s a few decent spots, like a stiff kick from Victoria to Nidia who falls like King Kong off the top rope. Molly is still sporting a wig, even though she had her head shaved almost 5 months ago. (I’d suggest checking your cell count just to be safe…). Anyway, strangely, Nidia  is the one to retrieve the contract and is declared the winner.

Trish then (along with Tyson Tomko) come to the ring and Trish congratulates Nidia on her future title shot…when she clobbers Nidia out cold and demands the ref count, which he does. And there’s your title match, and a storyline reprieve for Trish who’ll now nurse her injury.

After the break, we see Trish walk past Lita, backstage, and insult her by saying “and they call me a slut”. To which Lita has no reply (obviously).

And what have we learned her today kiddies? Well, apparently if you’re big and ugly, all you have to do is threaten a hot girl’s boyfriend and she’ll put out, no problem! If only this worked in real life…and not the restraining order and eventual incarceration that goes along with such behavior.

HHH gets Eugene fired up about the main event tonight and convinces him to “hurt” Benoit and Edge. Great “evil heel” stuff from Trips here.

HHH, Ric Flair and Eugene Vs. D-generated Necks (Chris Benoit & Edge) Handi-cap match; The story here of course is that Eugene is being manipulated to do wrong by HHH, but unfortunately, the crowd takes it as a turn and boo’s poor Eugene out of the building, even chanting “Eugene sucks”. That’s just cold, and you wonder if somewhere in Winnepeg they’re not burning a mongoloid in effigy.

Out on the floor Edge takes a spill into the crowd, leaving it three on one basically in Evo’s favor. Benoit however gets the German’s on Trips , followed by the big heabutt but Flair stops the cover by Benoit. Benoit clotheslines Flair out and gets shoved into Eugene. Eugene returns with a chair but Benoit convinces him not to use it. Trips than attempts a pedigree, but that’s countered by Benoit into a sharpshooter. HHH begs Eugene who’s on the floor, confused, to use the chair and finally he does so, but he’s conflicted. Triple H then gets the academic pedigree to get the pin.

HHH, Flair and Eugene celebrate as the show went off the air.

The show started off pretty fun, but by the end, you had to wonder if they did more damage to the Eugene character than good. I understand where they’re going with the story, but I’m afraid people will turn on Eugene before they feel sorry for him, which I’d think is the storyline’s intention anyway.

Thumbs up, though.

Highlight: Jericho Vs. Orton was VERY good, but the finish was a little depressing, so I’ll go with the opening musical chairs. It was one of those unexpected comic moments that won’t be emulated again. (Like Rock, this is your life)

Lowlight: The women’s three way. Not terrible, but a little clumsy and basically only served as an opportunity to give the recuperating Trish a reason to not have to wrestle for a while.

 

Double M's WWE Raw Recap - 071204 By: Michael Melchor

The views and opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the human race.

Hey there. Thanks for coming back to the Double M Raw Recap. Sean liked what I did so well last time that he decided to invite me back for more. And the crisp $100 (American) didn't hurt, either.

Speaking of The Boss, be sure you check out the rest of The Wrestling Fan for Sean's latest column, as well the rest of the gang. EVERYone on the site has been bringing their A-game lately, and the results are spectacular.

With that done, we have a Rasslin' show to get to. And even though I think The Ramones suck balls, I WILL steal one of their lines...Hey, ho - let's go!

Raw - 07.12.04

Show opens with In The Back, Triple-H goes over the plan to annihilate Eugene with the rest of Evolution. The gang argues over who gets first crack at the kid until Hunter sets them all straight. Personally, after the embarrassment he suffered last night, I think Flair deserves first shots. As the discussion ensues, Eugene enters the scene and apologizes. Hunter tells him that he's not mad at him...although the rest of the gang might be. Okay, why not destroy the kid now and get it over with? Hunter tells Eugene that he's not mad, but Uncle Eric is, and that he wants to see Eugene NOW. As Eugene leaves, Orton asks the same obvious question that I did two sentences ago, and Triple-H tells him that once Eric has said his peace to Eugene, then he'll understand. Which is all good and fine, but will the rest of us, too?

Credits and pyro from Manchester, NH where TONIGHT: Lita and Kane (whom Lawler calls "future father of the year" - Hah~!) are in Jericho's Highlight Reel. Good - maybe Jericho can pass along some acting lessons...but then, after seeing how bad he and Trish delivered their lines during their angle, maybe not...

Brand new WWE Intercontinental Champion Edge vs. Batista - non-title

Batista is out to intimidate Edge before using a nice two-part strategy - soften the upper torso with all the power of a bull then weaken Edge with strength-supported wear-down holds to set up the sit-out powerbomb. Batista also gets an advantage with the appearance of former IC Champ Randy Orton as we go to:

Commercial.

During The Break, the ref caught Randy getting involved and ejected him. Afterward, Batista slammed Edge into the outside ringpost, making the impact point of his finisher the focus of his attack. Edge, showing no fear (and a lot more speed), uses his high-impact, high-risk style to stick and move en route to knocking the wind out of Batista with the Spear - once he recovers from the onslaught of Big Dave.

Finish comes when Edge scores the missile dropkick for 2, then goes for the Spear. Batista catches Edge, but Edge reverses into the schoolboy and grabs the ropes (!) for the pinfall victory. Decent effort by both men (even if Batista is a little slow).

In The Back, Eugene visits Uncle Eric in his office. Bischoff is mad as hell - at the fact that Eugene is taking the blame for Triple-H's loss. Bischoff is proud of Eugene for the job he did last week as GM. Eric is convinced that he belongs in the business, and thus books Eugene vs. Chris Benoit - FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP?? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! God DAMN it...you've no idea how tempted I am to turn this show off right now, but...I have a job to do. You owe me BIG for this, Sean. Bischoff declares that it will be a special night for a "special" guy (and a "special" fucking angle) as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to Lawler in a segment with one (of 3) of the prospective Raw Divas to hype the casting special on Thursday. I'd almost rather see the video segments of the quarterfinal castings they've shown the past few weeks.

In The Back, Todd Grisham (taking a break from writing legal thrillers, no doubt), asks Ric Flair about Eugene and Benoit. Flair, for the group, wishes Eugene the best of luck, then says it's no surprise that his book is flying off the shelves before verbally turning on Eugene, stating that everytime he gets on top, he has to encounter another freak. As if on cue, Hurricane enters wanting an autograph on his copy of Flair's book. Flair is outraged AND insulted, stating that Hurricane has a name - Gregory Helms - and that he should concentrate more on his career than making people happy. Hurricane blows it off, stating that the tomes of The Rock, Hulk Hogan, and even Chyna (!) were better. Hurricane rubs it in more, stating that Flair didn't make #1 like Mick Foley did. Oooooooohh, snap~! He went there! Flair pops Hurricane one and says he'll take him to school later tonight in the ring. That entire interview was gold on so many levels - and I'm left wondering if the Hurricane gimmick may go the way of Vanilla Ice's career as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to

Robert Conway vs. Rhyno

Grenier and Tajiri remain at ringside. Rhyno, sticking with what works, brings the same power that has aided him against La Resistance recently to run over Conway en route to running through him wioth the Gore. Conway, also going with familiarity, goes with a finesse attack to wear down Rhyno and set up the Au Revoir...umm...good question...

Finish comes when Gernier, on the outside, grabs Rhyno's leg to prevent the Gore. Tajiri makes the save with a kick to Gernier's dome. Unfettered, Rhyno lands the Gore on Conway in the ring for the victory. Decent match to continue the story of Rhyno - tag-team specialist waiting to happen.

Commercial.

Back to

Tyson Tomko (with WWE Women's Champion Trish Stratus) vs. Maven (with Nidia)

This, of course, is a continuation from last night's Heat when Maven saved Nidia from Tomko. As a result, Tomko's objective here is simple - beat this kid within an inch of his life. Maven, meanwhile, goes for repeated shots to Tomko's head to knock the big man out enough to pin him. And you have to know that the ladies will help out their respective men...

Finish comes when Trish and Nidia get into it, distracting the ref enough for Tomko to score the Mafia Kick for the pin. Not bad, I suppose...but how many times can I sit through failed attempt after failed attempt to get Maven over? Turn the kid heel already!

In The Back, Steven Regal corners Chris Benoit and pleads with him not to hurt the kid too bad. Benoit says, in not so many words, that he doesn't care if Eugene's a retard or not - he's keeping his World Title as we head to:

Commercial.

Back to Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel, with special guests Lita and Kane. Tell you what, The O.C. has nothing to worry about here. Jericho puts himself over as the 1st Undisputed Musical Chairs Champion in WWE history, then lays down the rules...when you have serious personal issues, you don't solve them in privacy - you do it in front of the world on The Highlight Reel! That's awesome!

Kane is out first and threatens Jericho before dismissing him and getting to the matter at hand by calling out Lita. As Lita arrives, JR states that "a wrestling ring on Raw is no place for a pregnant woman." Well, JR, I could counter that with "a pregnancy angle has no place on Raw - especially one in which 2/3 of the actors suck". Lita yanks the mic out of Kane's hand (!) and states that she's tired of being the victim and living in fear. After re-defining suffering with shitty line delivery, she tells Kane that she will no longer live in fear of him. I know this may redefine bad taste, but DAMMIT I hope he Chokeslams her! Kane can't do anything to her, but he can threaten to make sure Matt never sees the birth of their baby by ending Matt's life. What was that about a "no-murder" policy in WWE? Lita reveals that she knows who the father is - and it's NOT Kane, because Matt's more of a man than Kane will ever be. Lita takes her leave and Kane destroys the Highlight Reel set, sending Jericho sailing in the process. Kane walks and Jericho won't let him go that easy, challenging Kane on the spot! Kane keeps going until Jericho goes after his manhood, going so far as to tell Lawler to cancel the Raw Diva search because KANE is our winner! Priceless! Kane heads back to the ring and we head to:

Commercial.

Back to

Chris Jericho vs. Kane

Kane, already enraged, is out to slaughter Jericho with his superior power and resiliency, concentrating on the neck and back on his way to the Chokeslam (as if you had to ask). Jericho counters the attack with his unorthodox semi-aerial style to keep Kane off balance. Jericho's preferred move seems to be the Walls Of Jericho - a bad idea, considering Kane could easily power out (see below) and doesn't tap out easily. Jericho is also looking for the big man to make a few mistakes in his emotional state, but may be at a distinct disadvantage, as Kane is more concerned with injury than victory...

Finish comes when Kane escapes the Walls Of Jericho (see?) and scores a low blow on Jericho in plain sight of the referee, causing the DQ. Jericho takes one for the team in a good effort to keep Kane's rage intact.

Post-match, Kane punishes Jericho further and the referee tries to stop him. Kane Chokeslams both men simultaneously (!) and takes his leave as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to Lawler in another segment with one (of 3) of the prospective Raw Divas to hype the casting special on Thursday. Jesus Christ, I'm starting to feel like I'm turned on a beauty pageant and a wrestling match broke out. The crowd saves this segment by booing Nina the prospective Diva. Thank you, New Hampshire~! Afterward, JR announces that free tickets are still available for the Diva Casting Special on Thursday. That just speaks for itself.

SmackDown Rebound airs before Ric Flair heads to the ring for his match against Hurricane and WE head to:

Commercial.

Back to

Hurricane vs. Ric Flair

Side note one: JR informs us that Flair had 4 years experience in the ring before Hurricane was even born. Deeamn.

Hurricane's strategy is to bring his aerial game and impact cruiserweight style to pick at Flair piece by piece, inside the ring AND out of it. Hurricane's assault centers on the neck and head to ultimately go for the knockout blow in the Shining Wizard. Flair, however, drops science and opts for outwrestling Hurricane en route to the Figure 4 submission - not to mention tipping his hat to the Andersons by trying to break Hurricane's arm. In addition, Flair shows that he's "The Dirtiest Player In The Game" for a reason, and also takes the fight outside.

Side note two: I have a rhetorical question...why bother going after the arm so much when the tried-and-true finisher applies painful pressure on the leg?

Finish comes when Flair, after beating down Hurricane outside the ring, slaps on the Figure 4 in the center of the ring, leaving Hurricane no choice but to tap out and give Flair the victory. Not a bad match, but I fail to see the point.

Post-match, Flair adds insult to injury with a couple more cheap shots before taking us to:

Commercial.

Back to footage of another voter registration drive. If I hadn't been registered since before I turned 18, I would care about this. That's right - I'm a registered voter. Let THAT sink in for a bit...

In The Arena, Lawler is in another segment with one (of 3) of the prospective Raw Divas to hype the casting special on Thursday. The obvious "puppies crack" is made, and the crowd is booing this chick as well - up until she announces that she's Playboy's 2004 Playmate of The Year. THAT'LL take care of all that negativity from the audience!

In The Back, Benoit tells Eugene that he wants to be his friend and Eugene reciprocates (duh). Benoit tells Eugene that he wants a clean match tonight and Eugene agrees. The Atrocity of The Year is NEXT as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to

Eugene vs. Chris Benoit © - World Heavyweight Championship Match

Christ, I can't believe I just had to type that.

Side note one: Lawler points out that he may have Triple-H/Bischoff's plan figured out...that Eugene will piss Benoit off enough for Benoit to kill the kid. We'll have to see...

Benoit, wrestling clean, tries to outwrestle Eugene and protect his title in catch-as-catch-can style. Benoit, after bruising his sternum, wisely avoids going for the Diving Headbutt and keeps the match on the mat. Eugene's idea of "strategy" is to emulate every other champion and use mostly submission moves such as the Sharpshooter and the Crippler Crossface (!) to win the title. Also, Eugene may be looking to "tard up" at some point (thanks, Sean!) and beat Benoit down enough to put him in a compromising position - although I really can't give Eugene that much credit (although Eugene does pull a few nice counters out of his belt).

Side note two: This is why I have a problem with Eugene wrestling for the title. This plays like a comedy match with Eugene imitating other wrestlers. If Eugene were that much of a prodigy, is it too far outside the realm of possibility to expect that he would be able to wrestle a solid match and develop a strategy of his own? And are all of his matches going to involve ripping off others until he gets mad enough to snap?

Finish comes when Eugene thinks he's pinned Benoit off of the Rock Bottom and celebrates with the belt. Evolution is out en masse to beat down Eugene, causing the DQ.

Side note three: This match officially gets my vote for the Ahmed Johnson "Clown Shoes" Award For Excellence In The Field Of Ridiculousness - and that's saying an awful lot when you consider that Lita and Kane were allowed to continue the shittiest story of the year in the "Highlight Reel".

Looks like Lawler was wrong about Evolution's plan as post-match, Evolution beat the hell out of Benoit, but Regal makes the save only to get his ass kicked as well. Evolution turns their attention on Eugene, taking turns on the kid with their respective finishers. Triple-H gets last shot with the Pedigree after Eugene is busted open (!!). Evolution celebrate to end the show.

Not a bad show considering the fallout from Vengeance and the angle developments, but it almost felt like a throwaway. And the main event was this close to a joke - I'm sure better ways could have been found for Evolution to get their revenge rather than having Eugene - a "special" attraction that's gotten way out of hand - wrestle for the biggest prize on the show. I'm sure the IWC sheep - led by Scooter Keith - will praise tonight's main event to no end, but I call "bullshit". Get Eugene out of the World Title picture NOW.

L8. Thanks for reading. And feel free to let me know what you thought of the report.

For more interesting (?) reading, click here.

Be sure to visit EdWolf for all of your (non-video) gaming needs, Rehab Radio for some good surfing music, and The Wrestling Fan for a good chuckle or two.

Raw Rant: (07/19/04) By Sean Carless

Tonight’s Raw comes from our Nation’s capital Washington D.C.

Tonight Eugene is not here, but if you have to have your retard fix, luckily, one just lives down the road from the arena in a big house on the hill….

The show opens up with a recap of Evolution brutalizing Eugene. Luckily, footage of  the Evo’s setting a mongoloid on fire, and running over a deaf guy were cut from the broadcast….

Triple H comes to the ring and feigns guilt for the beating of Eugene last week. He says that it made him sick to his stomach, but hey, the way he eats lately, that could be anything. Triple H then reveals that it was just gas, and it passed, as I get a visual of Brian Gerwirtz high-fiving Vince on yet another fart/poop  masterstroke.

HHH then gets vicious, looking at the camera and saying that he “Hates Eugene” and so does everyone else.

HHH then shows footage of after Raw went off the air last week. We see Benoit and William Regal standing over the bloody carcass of Eugene with tears in their eyes. HHH makes light of them by taking a page out of “A league of their own” and said “There’s no crying in Wrestling!” (Umm, unless your Shawn Michaels …and Kevin Nash who when blew his quad, blubbered on camera like someone shaved his balls with a rusty nail…)

This brings out Eric Bischoff , who rewards Trips by giving him a rematch with Benoit…wait for it…Next week! And it’ll be a 60 MAN IRON MAN MATCH!

Wow, that’ll be interesting.

Sylvain Grenier Vs. Tajiri;  Did you know Grenier means “Attic” in French? Funny, I always figured it meant “back door” myself...ah, I kid.

Anyway, last week Rhyno handled ROW-BEAR Conway, so Tajiri and Grenier will give it a go.

 A few minor blown spots but Tajiri is so good you don’t really notice them...unless you’re me…or anyone else who noticed them. Ah, never mind.  Tajiri literally kicks the “crÍpes” out of Sylvain, including a kick to Grenier’s ass, or as Patterson calls it “My parking space”. Tajiri ends up with Grenier in the Tarantula but Conway gives a cheap shot on the floor allowing Sylvain to escape and finish Tajiri with an inverted powerbomb.

Highlight Reel is up next, and the Raw Diva search contestants get called out and the crowd shits on every one of them. At this point, even Jesus couldn’t bring this abortion back from the dead, And I think it’s time to cut your losses, Vince.

But no, that won’t happen. For as successful as Vince is, how much money has been WASTED over the years on this type of stuff? Guess it could be worse though, the “Divas” could be suited up and forced to play in a new game of “Extreme” football….

Anyway, Jericho says that backstage in Eric’s office there is an immunity envelope that will save one of them from…forget it. You’ve watched enough reality TV to understand.

We then get to see the “Divas” tear up Bischoff’s office in a desperate search for said envelope as I get a flash back of a prostitute rifling through my apartment. Only instead of an “immunity envelope”, she was looking for money for crack, but same difference…

Eric Bischoff eventually arrives ala Ricky Ricardo to yell “LUCY!” at the women ripping up his pad. Unfortunately for us, this is where this thing turns from shit into…umm, whatever’s below shit, I guess. Some of the “Divas” begin to ad-lib and suddenly I long for the thespian skills of Lita, who unlike these whores actually has a modicum of wrestling skill to justify her employment. Luckily for us though, Eric is an “old hand” at handling uppity prostitutes (cough*GOLDCLUB*cough) and boots them all out of his office.

Tyson Tomko Vs. The Hurricane; Trish Stratus accompanies Tomko to the ring, while Hurricane counters with Stacy.

Anyway, very sloppy match here, with Hurricane trying his hardest to get anything remotely resembling a credible match out of Tomko. But for Hurricane’s benefit, let’s just say in this one, Tomko is Kryptonite to Hurricane’s work-rate. Hurricane does however look to have things well in hand when he gets tripped up by Trish and walks into the big boot of Tomko to knock him cold and get the win. And lord knows what Tomko will do to him next. I mean, a big skin-head with tattoos coming at you in their underwear? I’ve watched enough Oz to know how this story ends…

Anyway, rather than exploring the Hurricane’s “bat cave”, Tomko turns his attention to Stacy, but before he can do her any bodily harm…Rosey...now in *official* super hero garb, makes the save. However, he might want to change his name from Rosey. I mean, why wear a mask if everyone already knows who you are? There was a reason Batman didn’t fight crime as Bruce Wayne.

Chris Benoit Vs. Batista; Non-title match; Batista gets a surprising ovation coming out, but then I remember this is his hometown (and not the bottom of the Ohio River as Cornette will have you believe).

Very good match here, but a shitty ending. Batista basically takes it to Benoit and gets DQ’d for kicking Benoit in the head while The Wolverine was hanging upside down in the ropes. Batista then delivers a huge demon-bomb that lays Benoit out. JR then speculates that perhaps Batista might have softened up Benoit for Triple H. Good to see Jim Ross is so on the ball here. Of course this is the same guy who didn’t see getting set on fire by Kane coming last year, despite the huge 1940’s -style red canister of gasoline sitting in the corner of the room….

Backstage, Lita catches up with Matt Hardy. Matt says he doesn’t know where he stands, while Lita tells V1 that she loves him, but will have this baby regardless of who the father is.

“Who the father is”?...

Double M’s WWE Raw Recap – 071904 By: Michael Melchor

The views and opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the human race. Hey there and thanks for checking in. No time for chit chat, unfortunately – as I type this, it’s 1:44 pm EST on Tuesday (!) and I’m running just a little behind. Once you’re done here, be sure to check back with the main page for new stuff from Sean, Richard and the rest of the gang. But for now, I have a Rasslin’ show to hurriedly recap...

Raw – 07.12.04

Show opens with a recap of last week’s ruse and subsequent beatdown on Eugene – which I’m sure Hunter thinks of as his crowning achievement right about now...

NO credits and NO pyro welcome us to Washington, DC and out comes Triple-H now to tell us just how smart he is for using 4 other people to fool a mentally handicapped person. Hunter says he felt rotten as he was beating on Eugene, but then a funny thing happened to help him get it out and feel better about it – he farted! Eugene’s at home tonight, so Hunter tells him to get closer to the TV because he has something very important to tell Eugene – he, the rest of Evolution, and everyone else HATES Eugene. The crowd boos, and Hunter says it’s for Eugene because they hate him, too. Hunter calls him an embarrassment and says that everyone’s ashamed of him – even his own mom, who’s consoling him at home! Man, that’s just mean. Triple-H did the world a favor, as Eugene had no business in the WWE, or to be normal at all. Trip shows some footage from after Raw went off the air last week and Regal and Benoit are crying. Hunter says this is just pathetic – and out comes Bischoff. Bischoff agrees that it is pathetic. He also announces that he talked to his sister and it’s official – Eugene has quit. He’s GONE. Now, why don’t I believe that we’ve seen the last of the most popular character to grace a WWE television screen all year? Bischoff rewards Triple-H with a World Title shot against Benoit...next week on Raw...in an IRON MAN MATCH~!! Somebody hand me a towel. Bischoff gives Hunter the night off but books Benoit against Batista later tonight, thanking Hunter in the process. No, thank YOU, Eric! Regal is out now (!) and says the two must be very proud of themselves. He says he’s not afraid of Triple-H and dedicates the next bit to Eugene as Regal proceeds to whoop Hunter’s ass like he owes him money! Jesus, that almost looks like a shoot. Nicely done. The fight spills outside (where Regal continues to own Hunter!) and Bischoff calls for security. A security team arrives to haul Regal away and haul us to:

Commercial.

Back to

Sylvan Grenier vs. Tajiri Conway sings the Canadian National Anthem – and believe it or not he’s worse than Gernier! He’s interrupted by the arrival of Rhyno & Tajiri and Tajiri starts a “USA!” chant...

Tajiri, as one would expect, employs his agility and those infamous kicks to knock away at Grenier, while Sylvan is out to cut off the supply of Tajiri’s oxygen (read: choke the poor kid down) to render him weak enough for the pin. Of course, a little cheating doesn’t hurt, either...

Finish comes when Conway breaks the Tarantula on the outside while Rhyno has the referee distracted, enabling Grenier to hit a facebuster and score the pinfall victory. Not bad for what it was, but when do the World Tag team Titles go on the line?

Live footage from the weekend’s house shows takes us to:

Commercial. Back to Chris Jericho’s Highlight Reel, featuring the 10 finalists for the Raw Diva Search. Why? Jericho says that voting starts at 10 pm tonight, and the one with the least votes is eliminated form competition. What if ALL of them get 0 votes? I should be so lucky. Each prospective Diva introduces themselves, and almost ALL of them are booed out of the building (too funny!), the only exception being Carmella Descarre, the former Playmate Of The Year (big surprise there). Jericho then tells them that hidden in Bischoff’s office is an “immunity envelope”, and the first to find it can NOT be eliminated this week. Jericho leads them all to the office (stating that he’s “The pied piper, but they aren’t rats”...which is only a matter of opinion, really) and the 10 storm the office and DESTROY the place, at Jericho’s urging, looking for the envelope. Bischoff arrives, beside himself with anger, and sets all 10 of them straight as to who the boss is. He gets out of them who put them up to this before he tells them to haul ass from the building – and hopefully from the show for good. Well, THAT was a fucking pointless segment to send us to:

Commercial.

Back to

Tyson Tomko (with WWE Women’s Champion Trish Stratus) vs. Hurricane (with Stacy Keibler(?)

Whoa – Travis Tomko is from Jacksonville, FL? Nice! Tyson’s strategy is dirt simple – overpower the little guy and knock him senseless. Hurricane’s is a little more complex – use Stacy as distraction so Hurricane can hit and run. That only lasts so long, however – and there IS another Diva at ringside...

Finish comes when Trish trips up Hurricane and Hurricane grabs her by the hair, only to turn and get nailed with Tyson’s Nathan Jones-esque kick for the pinfall victory. Pointless squash, especially after teasing us last week with a much-needed change for Hurricane.

Post-match, Trish sucker-punches Stacy in the gut and feeds her to Tomko, but Rosey – no longer “in training”, apparently – is out to make the save.

In The Back, Hunter pulls Batista aside before the big match before we go to:

Commercial.

Back to

World Heavyweight Champion Chris Benoit vs. Batista (with Ric Flair) – non-title match

Benoit’s plan is to chop away at the upper torso, neck, and arm of Batista to set up the Crossface. Batista, however, delivers a powerful assault on Benoit’s back and torso, but not once does he go for a cover at all. It’s almost as if he could care less about the win...

Finish comes when Benoit goes over the top rope but gets his foot caught in the ropes, leaving him vulnerable. Batista takes the opportunity to deliver a few straight kicks to the head (!!) and get disqualified. Good match – especially for a non-match. I know, makes no sense to me, either.

Post-match, the plan is revealed by Jim Ross: “Batista could care less about the match – he’s out to weaken Benoit for The Game next week!” Sure enough, Batista delivers the sit-out powerbomb and leaves Benoit laying in the ring, sending us to:

Commercial.

Back to Replay of Moments Ago – Batista attempts to give Benoit a concussion just in time for next week’s Iron man match.

In The Back, Lita finds Matt and this week’s episode of Melrose Raw begins. Matt tells Lita he doesn’t know what to think, and Lita tells him that she loves him and wants to be with him, but she’s made up her mind – she’s keeping her baby! Oooohh, she’s gonna keep her baby – whOOOah!

Elsewhere In The Back, Todd Grisham (he’ll never get that novel done at THIS rate) is interviewing Randy Orton. Orton calls Edge’s victory a fluke, and Edge shows up to answer with: “At least my dad never spent his career being ‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper’s BITCH!” (Seriously!) “Come to think of it, if ol’ ‘Cowboy’ had worn a condom instead of a cast all those years, we wouldn’t be having this conversation!” Alls I can say is “DEEAMN~!” as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to

Chris Jericho vs. Kane

As a result of the Diva Ransacking, Bischoff ordered this rematch from last week – and giving me a chance to copy-and-paste...

Kane is out to slaughter Jericho with his superior power and resiliency, concentrating on the neck and back on his way to the Chokeslam (as if you had to ask). Jericho counters the attack with his unorthodox semi-aerial style to keep Kane off balance. Jericho’s preferred move seems to be the Walls Of Jericho – a bad idea, considering Kane could easily power out and doesn’t tap out easily.

Finish comes when the match spills outside and Jericho takes the chance to send Kane into the steel ringpost twice before hitting the running enzugiri and sliding back in the ring, leaving Kane to be counted out.

Post-match, Bischoff is out to tell Jericho it ain’t over yet – this match is Falls Count Anywhere, and will continue when we come back from:

Commercial.

Back to

Chris Jericho vs. Kane – Falls Count Anywhere

Thanks for making me actually work, Eric...

Jericho adjusts his strategy to not only keep Kane off-balance, but to hit the big man from all sides to gain the win. Meanwhile, Kane takes his power attack to a new level and uses anything that isn’t nailed down as a weapon – but Jericho can play that game, also. Too bad this is no disqualification...

Finish comes when Batista appears to drop Jericho on the hockey wall and hit the Clothesline Of Doom to knock Jericho cold and allow Kane to pin him for the victory. Excellent effort by th3ese two despite the interference ending.

Post-match, Batista stands over his victim and celebrates as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to a shot of US Army troops in the audience (of course – this is DC!) as JR and Lawler discuss WWE’s presence at the Democratic National Convention and the Diva Special (which drew a whopping 1.1, because people obviously care about this shit, as if the rampant booing of all of them weren’t enough of a clue). To rub it in some more, Coach is out to present all 10 in bikinis. When will they learn that NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THIS?!!?

The SmackDown Rebound airs, taking us to:

Commercial.

Back to

Randy Orton vs. Edge © - Intercontinental Championship Match

Orton is looking to do some damage to the neck (with those asinine restholds of his) and back (with a wicked suplex onto the security railing outside right after the:

Commercial

en route to the RKO. Edge, on the other hand, is working the left arm to prevent a kickout while hammering away at the upper body to set up the Spear.

Finish comes when Edge comes off the top and Randy moves, ensuring a ref bump. Orton grabs a chair and Edge Spears it out of his hands and covers – but there’s no ref. Orton hits a low blow and the RKO, and the ref is up just in time – to count 2! Edge hits another spear and gets 2~! Orton goes for another RKO, but Edge reverses into a backslide and uses the ropes for leverage to get the proper pinfall victory. Good match, but calling the matches between these 2 “classics” is a little overrated.

Post-match, Edge celebrates, Randy pouts, and JR and Lawler hype up next week’s IRON MAN match – which will start at 9 pm! Holy SHIT, sign me up for next week!!

All in all not a bad show, but the quality is starting to slip just a little bit. Next week should be better, with more build toward SummerSlam and the IRON MAN MATCH! Can yeh tell I’m a little excited?

L8. Thanks again for reading.

For more interesting (?) reading, click here.

Be sure to visit EdWolf for all of your (non-video) gaming needs, Rehab Radio for some good surfing music, and The Wrestling Fan for a good chuckle or two.

 

Double M’s WWE Raw Recap – 072604 By: Michael Melchor

The views and opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the human race.

Quoth the venerable Fat Albert, “Hey, Hey, HEEYY!” Thanks again for checking back for the Raw Recap. Yes, I skipped out on the SmackDown Report, but Sean had me covered in excellent form as far as that goes...

And while we’re on the subject of others on the site, now’s as good a time as any to pimp the gang. Once you’re done here, go back to the main page and check out:

Sean’s trend setting take on mustaches...

Christopher Freda’s excellent (LIVE!) Ring Of Honor coverage...

The Vengeance of Dr. Gonzo’s Psychic PS2...

Gadaffi Duck’s plea to WWE to take an Advil or 2...

Renee’s expose on the back half of “sports Entertainment...

Jason Hart’s guide to dating...

Richard’s look at the “sad” facts of the sport...

And newcomer Josh Leeman’s look at matches that didn’t make the cut.

Before the proper report, I may not be an honest-to-God clairvoyant like Miss Cleo or anything, but I’m thinking that tonight we have the road to SummerSlam paved by the Raw brand. I know, I know – what a brilliant deduction. One good reason for this is the IRON MAN MATCH and the knowledge that, no matter who wins or loses, we know that this is the blow-off point – and that both men now go on to other opponents on August 15. As I type this introduction, we’re 3 weeks away from the event and tonight’s episode is a scant 105 minutes from now. SmackDown already has their side starting to take shape...and who’da thought they’d beat Raw to the punch?

Maybe this is another reason for Vinnie Mac to be pissed at the silver-and-blue stepchild? And how stupid is THAT to be upset that SmackDown actually BEAT Raw in the ratings for a week?! Business is business, Vin Man. If you didn’t want them to “compete”, then maybe you shouldn’t have split the shows in the first place. And what do you care, anyway? Doesn’t the money all go in the same pocket?

All right, enough of the soapbox bit – we have a show to get to!

Raw – 07.26.04

Show opens with Coach and The Prospective Divas. Oh, don’t you dare. One of them has to go – and it’s one of the twins. Tonight, the remaining 9 have to “verbally seduce a former WWE superstar”. Whhaaaatt? Wait...Matilda? FRANKIE?! (Sorry, Dean – had to do it.)

Video clip of the history between Triple-H and Chris Benoit airs ( \m/! ) before credits in Pittsburgh, PA. And cue up those old Black Sabbath CDs, because tonight’s show opens with—

Edge is out? There’s a ring full of other superstars – Steven Regal, Tyson Tomko, Chuck Palumbo, Hurricane, Rosey, Rhyno, Tajiri, Val Venis, Rodney Mack (where the hell did HE come from?), Sylvan Grenier, Rob Conway, Maven, and Stevie Richards (sans red wig). Matt Hardy, then Chris Jericho...what the fuck is this? Lawler suggests that it may be for the Diva Search, and I swear to God I’m throwing something through the TV. Relax, I have another in the other room. All of Evolution is out (sans Triple-H)—

And Eric Bischoff is out to announce that, tonight, the winner of a 20 Man Over The Top Battle Royal will go on to face the World Heavyweight Champion – be it Benoit or Hunter – at SummerSlam, and that Battle Royal begins NOW:

#1 Contender’s 20 Man Over The Top Battle Royal – Steven Regal, Tyson Tomko, Chuck Palumbo, Hurricane, Rosey, Rhyno, Tajiri, Val Venis, Rodney Mack, Sylvan Grenier, Rob Conway, Maven, Stevie Richards, Edge, Matt Hardy, Chris Jericho, Kane, Ric Flair, Batista, Randy Orton

So not only do they pre-empt the Iron Man Match, but I had to type all THAT shit? Tell you what – this is becoming a test of patience.

Okay, as mentioned before, battle royals and psychology go together like Nicole Ritchie and intelligence (although “gang up on the big guys” is always a house favorite). Therefore, we go with ye olde order-of-elimination and choice spots before the final 2 and the finish:

Steven Regal (Booo!) Tyson Tomko Chuck Palumbo (now I see the “new gimmick” that Obal’s been talking about)

Commercial:

Back to eliminated During The Break:

Val Venis Matt Hardy (by Kane...”See you on 90210 reruns on FX, bitch!”)

Commercial:

Back to eliminated During The Break: no one.

Hurricane Stevie Richards Rosey and Rodney Mack (both by Rosey) Rosey (by Jericho, ending a neatly-done sequence) Sylvan Grenier and Robert Conway (both by Tajiri, one after the other. Nice touch.) Tajiri (by Kane, after Tajiri practically begged for it and put him in the Tarantula. Dummy.)

Sudden commercial

Back to a Kane killing spree. Everyone’s out but Batista, and he and Kane are going at it.

Flair (by MAVEN?!) Rhyno Kane (by all others left, save for Maven after being Gored. Hence, your obligatory “Big Man Gang” elimination of the night.) Maven Batista Edge (by Jericho~! Ain’t THAT some shit! Does Edge go heel soon? Stay tuned to find out!)

Until we’re down to just Randy Orton and Chris Jericho. Now would be a great time for Shelton to show back up lest they miss a great opportunity. And from here, we have a little psychology by both men – toss the other one out – and if he won’t go, beat on him until he does.

Finish comes after Orton scores 2 close calls on Jericho, but he doesn’t go. Jericho attempts to pull Orton out (ala Benoit/Big Show) but both remain on the apron. They fight it out and Orton gets back in the ring to meet Jericho with the RKO (!), and Jericho holds on to the ropes (at least Mongoose sold his finisher...or something...), but Orton dropkicks him to knock Jericho off the ropes and win the Battle Royal. So, Orton is going to SummerSlam...and I don’t think he’s ready. I’m sorry, but holding a rear chinlock while sneering does not constitute the way a heel should dominate a match with actual offense.

Post-match, Orton celebrates and we see a Replay of the finish.

In The Back, Coach is with The Prospective Divas again. They’ll do the “seduction” bit after this:

Commercial.

You bastards. But at least they had a hilarious spot for SummerSlam with Booker in the Fencing competition...

Back to Coach and The Prospective Divas and the “seduction competition”. Michelle (from Palatka “The Sound Cowshit Makes When It Hits The Ground”, FL) is first, and the “former WWE superstar” is Kamala. Oh, excellent choice. See if you can smell Kim Chee or hopefully Roddy Piper on his breath, ladies. Christy is next, then...waitaminute, don’t even tell me they’re going to show ALL of them. Yeah, they do – and the whole thing is abysmal. Seriously, to the point of turning the channel (if not for the Iron Man Match...don’t front, Vince has YOU by the balls, too). The remaining twin Chandra almost saves it by playing “Tune In Tokyo” with Kamala’s nipples, but in the end the whole thing just sucked big, fat, nasty, cheese-encrusted, disease-infested, sweaty, floppy donkey dick.

SmackDown Rebound airs, taking us to:

Commercial – including one for Flair’s book that prints quotes out on the screen directly aimed at Bret Hart and Mick Foley. You know, I never commented on any of the “feud” shite (except for bitching a little about Foley’s reaction once. But, seeing as how this has become big enough for WWE to try and sell the book by (that doesn’t need it), I’ll kill 2 birds with 1 stone here...my comments on the controversy of To Be The Man AND a Music Column Reference Pimp (that no one will probably get)!

It was great when it all began I was a regular wrestling fan But it was over when they had the plan To pimp the bullshit and not The Man Now the real feud’s gotten old Thank the internet, bought and sold Flair Tint My World Keep me safe from the trouble and pain

Back to more filler horseshit, but at least this is something I (kinda) care about – Ivory, Stacy Keibler, and Linda McMahon at the Democratic National Convention (with shots of Mick Foley talking to convention goers). If Jesse Ventura can become a Governor, then they can elect a President, by Gawd!

In The Arena, Coach and The Prospective Divas in bikinis with phone numbers to vote.

In The Back, Flair and Batista congratulate Orton on his win. Orton is basking in it all when Triple-H enters. Orton says it will be an honor to face him at SummerSlam and wishes him luck, but Triple-H tells the “kid” he doesn’t need luck. Oooohh, tension takes us to:

Commercial.

Back to...fucking FINALLY...

Triple-H vs. Chris Benoit © – 60-Minute Iron Man Match for the World Heavyweight Championship

To say that I’ve been a little excited about seeing this match since it was announced last week is one of the biggest understatements so far this year. And to say that I’m just a little miffed at the last HOUR of this bait-and-switch horseshit would be doing the same.

Christ, I’ve got notes everywhere on this thing. Sorting out my own chicken scratch should be a hoot...

What, you thought this would be a regular “Blah tries to something So-And-So’s back while So-And-So uses his flip-flop Indy offense to keep Blah off balance and kick him un the balls” kind of breakdown, did you? Not for something like this, Jack.

Okay, I have to get the side notes out and done before we get to the good shit:

Side note one: Did my ears deceive me, but did I hear a “Triple=H!” chant not once but TWICE during this match? Is IWC Hell freezing over?!

Side note two: BIG kudos to the kid that had the “Big Daddy Kane” sign in the first few rows.

Side note three: I’ve been thinking more and more about how Benoit’s career – and the slump it’s happening in – is VERY similar to his obvious predecessor, Bret Hart a decade ago. Why is it that, in down times, WWE puts a stranglehold on its core fans by employing more of a pure wrestler than an over-the-top success? Until they can find one, that is? And why am I wasting this here instead of putting it in a column for Sean?!

Triple-H has a simple advantage that Benoit does not – prior experience in the Iron Man competitions. Between hat and taking it to the Champion early on by attempting to outwrestle Benoit, Hunter proves he’s not above employing a giant mind game as part of his overall offense. Early on, he establishes part 1 of his actual game plan – to simply attempt to intimidate Benoit and use his size advantage to begin his work. Part 2 comes when Hunter begins weakening Benoit all over in what might seem like a gigantic Pedigree set-up. Part 3 comes when Hunter swerves and goes directly after Benoit’s sternum – an excellent bit of continuity that also gives Triple-H a target literally on Benoit’s chest. And while he does that, Hunter makes sure to get in the occasional suplex (one on the steel ramp way) or backbreaker to keep Benoit off-balance and have another area unable to escape any pin attempts.

Benoit, being a pugnacious and driven little bastard, keeps his strategy much simpler. Rather than a multi-destination map, Benoit draws a straight line to his goal by dissecting Hunter all over, then the arm and shoulders (with more German suplexes than you can count) and especially both legs (credit to Brad McLeod for pointing that one out). The set-up is less complicated, obviously, as Chris just wants to weaken him to the point that Triple-H can’t escape either deadly move. I have to point out that the legwork is particularly nice. Benoit uses not only the Figure 4 (in a nod to his rival’s mentor, Ric Flair) but with the Indian Death Lock (showing he can play the mind games as well by using a move that Hunter has been the recent master of). As he’s breaking Hunter down piece by piece, Benoit actually pulls a pretty brilliant move and takes every spare opportunity to reduce the damage (or at least the feeling of it) to his chest by rubbing the feeling back into his sternum. However, that will cost him come the fourth decision...

Decision 1 – Benoit, after turning a Crippler Crossface into a pinning combination (with a brilliant bit of fake-out) for the Pinfall at approximately 29:00 minutes in. (Sorry, but I didn’t get to-the-second numbers...I’m not THAT anal...) Afterward, Triple-H brings out his inner-heel and calls the count “bullshit”, thereby giving himself time to recover AND take us to:

Score:

Triple H – 0

Benoit – 1

Commercial.

Decision 2 – Triple-H, after hitting a Pedigree for the Pinfall at approximately 39:00 minutes in.

Score:

Triple H – 1

Benoit – 1

Commercial

Decision 3 – Triple-H, after sending Benoit sternum first (Owch!) into the steel ringside steps for a Count Out at approximately ...shit, didn’t catch a time...

Decision 4 – Triple-H, after a spinebuster in the ring (proceeding the ramp way suplex) for a Pinfall at approximately...yep, missed that one, too. Triple-H sneaked in his tribute to Arn Anderson while letting Benoit focus a distracting amount of his attention to his chest.

Score:

Triple H – 3

Benoit – 1

Commercial

Decision 5 – Benoit, after a Sharpshooter for the Submission at approximately 45:00 minutes in. As may times as he’s had people in that move and never wanted to let it go, Benoit must have creamed himself at the thought of possibly holding the move for 15 minutes!!

After the 5th Decision, Triple-H slips outside...and begins to crawl away? Is he already admitting that Benoit is the future and passing the torch?? That’s impossible – not The Man Who Holds Everyone Down~!

Decision 6 – Benoit, after a Crippler Crossface for the Submission (and another Benoit orgasm) at approximately 48:00 minutes in. Oh, shit – Ric Flair and Batista are out to ringside as we go to:

Score:

Triple H – 3

Benoit – 3

Commercial.

Back to Evolution out and Triple-H distracts referee Mike Chioda long enough for Batista to take Benoit on the outside on the outside and ram him into the steel ring post, drawing blood. That was a result of the biggest mistake in the match – Benoit dove at Triple-H with a tope suicida and paid for it by bouncing his jaw off of the security railing). But Benoit can afford to sacrifice due to the punishment he is willing – and able – to take and keep coming back for more. Thus, Benoit’s ultimate weapon is his tenacity. Not only by keeping on a target area throughout the match, but by simply not letting himself die (as evidenced by a Triple-H cover at approximately 53:30 in!).

And, of course, NOW we see part 4 of Triple-H’s Master Plan – have your buddies hook a brutha up. Man, this just sucks – I’d have preferred a straight 1-on-1, but I should have thought better of it. Since Hunter has unleashed his multi-part dismemberment on Benoit, it’s time to do what any self-respecting (and smart) heel would do. This includes letting the power man on your team give Benoit an outlet for blood loss. Hunter then “accidentally” clotheslines Mike Chioda at approximately 55:30 in, turning loose Part 5 – dispatch any and all referees to gain a 3-on-1 advantage. Bischoff sends another one in, but Triple-H just plain slaps the taste of Pat Patterson out of referee Charles Robinson’s mouth (sorry Li’l Naitch, but a match like this deserves an Obligatory Patterson Joke thrown in somewhere) before slamming a chair into Benoit’s skull. Hunter’s officially, as the late Gorilla Monsoon would say – pulling out all the stops here, but the obvious result comes to save the day...

Finish comes when Eugene (I fucking knew it!) runs in from the crowd and flattens Flair and Batista en route to beating Triple-H like Charly having a spaz fit and squashing Algernon the mouse. Eugene takes the chair and drills Hunter at approximately 58:00. Benoit covers at 59:15 and Eugene tosses Chioda in through the 2nd and 3rd ropes at the 59:30 mark.

Decision 7 – Benoit, after a chair shot to Triple-H by Eugene for the Pinfall at approximately 59:55 in.

Score:

Triple H – 3

Benoit – 4

Winner and still World Heavyweight Champion: Chris Benoit.

Post-match, Eugene gets on the announce table and applauds Benoit. Benoit sees him and thanks him. Very nice touch. Benoit leaves as Triple-H comes to and stares a hole through Eugene. Another nice touch. Triple-H and Eugene stare down (if you can call Eugene pointing at him and putting his thumbs down like a Palatka redneck would do at a barnyard show) ensues to end the show.

Wow. This may sound odd coming out of me, but the interference wasn’t welcomed until I saw what was happening. And even though I knew it would, the way it was played by all involved brought it to life and gave the biggest sudden superstar Woe’s had all year (believe it or not) the pop of his career once he came to the rescue. The storyline was obviously meant to continue with Eugene and Triple-H, as it would make sense for Hunter to pass the torch (which is exactly what we just saw) and move on to program himself with the biggest star WWE has and (wrongly) claim some of those box office numbers.

But...Benoit and Orton? My thoughts about Orton are already documented, but if anyone can help him work on his shit, it’s Benoit. Even if it’s for possibly a lost cause, as Orton should know more of his way around a ring if he’s stepping into the big time. But Benoit can give the kid a good rub on the way to a new challenger. My personal pick would be Edge, but with my luck Orton will actually win the damned Title. And THEN...you thought those fools ranted and raved about JBL? You ain’t heard shit yet if this comes to pass.

As for the rest of the show...damn near a waste. The Battle Royal was a good idea to pave the road to SummerSlam quickly and still have time for the hype. The Democratic National Convention, while a transparent move to stay on the “Y’all get out there and vote!” bandwagon, was even tolerable. But I swear to God, this stupid bullshit with The Prospective Divas is going to drive me up the fucking wall...

It’s one thing if the skits were actually funny. But whoever’s writing this shit is letting it carry past tolerable levels each and every time. And The Prospective Divas can’t act their way out of a wet paper bag with no sides. ANY of them. Laughing through the “challenges” is just bad television, and a fucking waste of time. And don’t give me this “d00d U must be GAY!” shit that I can hear in any WWE chat room, because generic tits and ass in a Rasslin’ is just old to me now. You can thank Sable The Skag Whore for that. And besides, why bother with titillation of something I’ll never see on cable when I can look at all the unbridled flesh baring I can stand on the internet?

L8. Thanks again for reading.

For more interesting (?) reading, click here.

Be sure to visit EdWolf for all of your (non-video) gaming needs, Rehab Radio for some good surfing music, and The Wrestling Fan for a good chuckle or two.