Smackdown Report (06/03/04)-by Michael Melchor

Friday June 4 2004 12:00:00 AM 

SmackDown Report: (06/10/04) By Michael Melchor

The views and opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the human race.

Wow. Man, it has been busier than SHIT around here! Big congratulations once again to Sean and the gang here for putting this site on the map. I really should be here more often (as far as writing an actual column goes), but at least I get to throw in the sites official SmackDown Report. And I can have claimed to have been there just when The Wrestling Fan was getting big, although Sean should take full credit for giving his labor of love his all.

Now then, the pre-game show...

What better start than the Story of The Month Bradshaw gets fired from CNBC because hes a dumbass. Now, Im not going to go on a long tirade or anything (so you'll be spared there at least) because it's not really necessary. Both Dave Gagnon and Josh Grutman (!!!) have already played this for better laughs and tore Bradshaw a better ass, respectively, than I ever could. But there is something I want to tell the No. 1 contender...

(Okay, I guess tones of voice don't translate well on paper. Imagine, then, from Mallrats Willem looking at the 3D art and the kid comes up and tells him it's a schooner. Willem eyes the little punk and responds:)

You dumb bastard.

It couldn't have taken THAT much logic to realize that Germany already knows about its past. Did you not take the mental 5 pothole leap to the conclusion that what you were thinking of was illegal? How much looking into it would it have meant an hour, tops? Youre smart enough to use a laptop, John thats what Google and shit like that are there for!

Instead, you leaped right in. Now, I get what you were trying to do the cheap heat thing. And you have to admit that it was probably pretty fucking effective. BUT, instead of doing a little legwork, you got yourself fired from CNBC.

And I can even understand where Ken Anderson is coming form on this the lines of good taste are such that what Bradshaw did DOES seem tame in comparison. I dont know if it's worth firing Bradshaw over, but Vince may not have any other choice. This is the problem with WWE putting itself out in the open and one of the dangers of becoming mainstream. They're a publicly traded company...their stars are all over the media...with the high profile that McMahon insisted that they have, the it's only pro wrestling argument unfortunately doesn't apply to WWE anymore. We may see it that way, but I'm sure the stockholders and others who see WWE as a corporation don't. Whether or not the IWC wants him fired is immaterial; now it's a matter of how much business WWE could lose if they don't. And because of that, Bradshaw should have thought more about the heat he was attempting to get.

I've no idea where you'd be headed now, John. Better cross your fingers and hope to God that Vince don't do to you what youre always accused of doing to newbies. And when McMahon tosses the bar of Ivory at your feet and you bend over, whimpering, knowing that you'll be lucky to be on Velocity...remember that you were too dense to have simply avoided this.

-Okay then

Overture, hit the lights, this is it the night of nights...

And oh, what heights we'll hit...on with the show, this is it.

SmackDown 06.10.04

Show opens with a replay of Paul Es ultimatum to the Undertaker last week. I still hope all this is somehow Mordecai's doing...that man is Undertaker's Greatest Enemy waiting to happen.

Credits and pyro from Long Island, NY where TONIGHT: The Undertaker gives his decision!

Kurt Angle is already in the ring (with Luther Rains or however he spells his last name). Kurt was booed there in Long Island as WWE Champion, but he could give a damn because he already knew he was better than them and had the belt to prove it then. Angle shows video of him being run over and chaired in his bad leg (courtesy of John Cena and Booker T) and calls both men for an apology. That seems to be his gimmick as General Manager, no? First from Eddie now from these two...Booker is out first and gives Angle the FIVE-TIME apology before blaming Cena for everything that happened last week and being dismissed. Angle calls for Cena next and out comes the US champ to get cut off vehemently by Angle, who demands his apology NOW. Cena tells Angle that if he meant to hit Angle last week, he'd still be in the hospital and should put him there now. Angle stands sits down on Cena and tells him that, according to the Board of Directors, Cena is on probation and will be suspended if he lays a finger on Angle. Angle demands his apology again and Cena apologizes for absolutely nothing. He wont change a damned thing about himself and in his eyes, they're even he can't touch Angle, but Angle can't see him~! Angle stops Cena as he's leaving to tell him that TONIGHT he will face Booker T, Rene Dupree, AND Rob Van Dam to determine who will meet Cena for the US Title at the Great American Bash. Angle takes his leave and Kenzo Suzuki is NEXT as we go to:


Back to
Kenzo Suzuki vs. Scotty Go Potty
Suzuki is out on a carriage and throne carried by some dudes and trailed by his wife. And once again I can't think of a better victim than The Debuting Wrestler Fodder Scotty Go Potty. Collar-and-elbow tie-up to the corner to start and Kenzo lands the knee to the midsection and chops Scotty down. Kenzo pulls Scotty out for another knee to the midsection followed by a hard corner whip and a Yakuza kick (naturally) for Scotty on his way out. Kenzo lands kicks to the back and the chest before Scotty reverses a suplex and opens up with right hands on Kenzo. Off the ropes and Scotty hits a savate kick to drop Kenzo, but Suzuki is back up with a hand to the throat. The hand moves to the face and Kenzo drops Scotty with a cross leg sweep so fast I was glad I didn't blink to get the 3-count pin on Scotty. Not bad, but I can see now why the Hirohito gimmick was dropped...

Video airs of Ah-Nuld and The Rock

In the back, Kurt Angle has Booker, Rene Dupree, and RVD draw straws to see who faces Cena first. Luther shuts the cameraman out of the room as we go to:


Back to Undertaker, looking all pensive and stuff over his decision...

Cole and Tazz pimp the Great American Bash and the new SmackDown magazine before taking us to:

Video airs of Bradshaw going to a salon in New York. You read that right, a salon. Shave, manicure, name it, Bradshaw gives it an anti-immigrant slant. Just be glad none of them are German, stupid ass.

Back in the arena, the Longhorn Limousine is parked in the back. Bradshaw gets out and decides that he looks too good for Long Island so he tells his driver to take him home. The car doesn't move so Bradshaw screams at his driver to haul ass, and the driver EDDIE GURRERO (!!) tells him they're going for a ride, but it won't be to New York city. Eddie checks for hydraulics (none to be found) and takes Bradshaw for a joyride as we go to:


Back to Moments Ago: Eddie Gurrero commandeers the Longhorn Limo and takes it for a spin.

Earlier Today, the Dudleys celebrate and Paul E asks if they know what they did. Paul E tells them they now control the only way of stopping the Undertaker and volunteers to go to SmackDown alone to get Undertaker's answer while they keep Paul Bearer on lockdown.

Chavo Classic (with nasty rat hoes) is out to do commentary for:

Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo Gurrero
Collar-and-elbow tie-up to start and Chavito gets a takedown into a front facelock. Knucklelock results in Chavito sweeping Rey off his feet (no, they're not a couple) but Rey gets the armdrag and drop toehold. High snap mare by Rey but Chavito gets the clothesline followed by a choke on the ropes and some rights. Off the ropes, Rey gets a modified armdrag and sends Chavito to the outside. Rey bounds up top and lands a high cross body on Chavito to the floor before we go to:


Back to Rey scoring a running legdrop on Chavito for 2. Chavito with the Irish whip but Rey puts on the brakes and leaps at Chavito only to take a dropkick to the ribs (ow) for 2 again. Side slam by Chavito gets 2 more. Chavito locks on the surfboard and then puts Rey on the top rope as he fights out. Chavito climbs to meet Rey but Rey knocks him to the mat and dives onto him for 2. Chavito recovers and gets a high hot shot and a boot to the head (ow part 2) for 2. In the ring, Chavito gets (almost an) octopus but Rey escapes and lands a seated dropkick. Rey comes with a springboard senton for 2 before getting an armdrag. Rey goes for the hurracanrana but Chavito turns it into a beauty move wherein he drills Rey face first for 2 again. Chavito attempts the Gory Driver but Rey counters and drop toeholds Chavito into 619 position and nails it! Chavo Classic is on the apron and Chavito charges but Rey leaps out of the way and Chavito nails Classic. Rey rolls up Chavito for the pin.

Raw Rebound airs before the Longhorn Limousine arrives again slightly more damaged than before as we go to:


Back to replay of the limojacking from earlier and the arrival before break.

Eddie is out to the ring in a lowrider the Longhorn Limousine, now looking a complete wreck. Eddie gets out and opens the passenger door, revealing that Bradshaw is in about the same condition as his ride. Eddie hops in the ring and goads Bradshaw, who stumbles out of the limo and just now realizes its condition. Eddie tells Bradshaw that hell wind as destroyed as his limo at the Great American Bash as we go to:


Back to footage from the Passport To Pain tour in Italy and Germany. And, surprisingly, theres no footage of Bradshaw to be seen anywhere...

In the arena, the Kurt-in-the-box opens as Angle has a nice seat for:

John Cena vs. Booker T. Three Pack Challenge for the #1 contendership to the US Title at the Great American Bash (Damn, thats a lot to type~!)
Booker drew 1st straw and has 5 minutes to beat Cena. If he doesnt, the next man comes out and attempts the same. If he cant do it, then #3 has his turn.

Collar-and-elbow to start and Booker opens fire with knees and rights but Cena fires back. Booker gets a slam before stomping Cena down in the corner. Snap mare gets 2 for Booker and Cena retaliates with a corner whip and clothesline for 2 of his own. Vertical suplex by Cena gets 2 again. Booker gets a hot shot (our Move Of Th----wait...) before landing a savate kick (THERE'S our Move of The Night~!) for 2. Cena gets a small package only for 2 before Booker hits, in succession, clothesline, a kneedrop, and a standing back kick for 2. Modified rear choke by Booker now but Cena fights up and out with the right hands. Booker reverses the Irish whip by Cena into a flapjack before the high heel kick gets 2. Cena with more rights but Booker gets a suplex for 2. Booker goes for the axe kick, Cena ducks and time is UP. Angle tells Booker to clear the way for RVD as we go to:


Back to John Cena vs. Rob Van Dam Three Pack Challenge for the #1 contendership to the US Title at the Great American Bash (thank God for copy & paste!)

RVD gets a quick rollup for 2 and a small package for the same. Cena cinches the headlock in before coming off the ropes with a shoulderblock. RVD gets a hurracanrana but Cena hangs on to score 2 again. RVD with rights in the corner but the monkey flip charge misses. RVD goes for the spinning thrust kick but Cena clotheslines him HARD out of the air for 2~! Wicked shot. Cena opens up with the knees and boots before the corner whip and shoulder tackle get 2. Corner-whip-and-charge by Cena eats elbow and RVD gets a legtrip rollup for 2. Cena gets a suplex for 2 before going for the FU but RVD escapes and gets the stepover spin kick for 2. RVD with forearms, a kick, a slam, and the split-legged moonsault for 2. RVD goes up for the Five Star Frog Splash but Booker crotches RVD on the top, prompting Angle to eject Booker from ringside. Wrong guy, dummy. Cena goes up for the superplex but RVD sends him to the mat and nails the spinning thrust kick proper. RVD finally hits the Five Star Frog Splash but time is UP as we go to:


Back to John Cena vs. Rene Dupree Three Pack Challenge for the #1 contendership to the US Title at the Great American Bash.
Cena takes Dupree down and wails away but Dupree gets an elbowdrop for 2 followed by a running knee to the gut for 2 again. Dupree hammers Cena on the mat with rights and does the Ric Flair strut (damned well, I might add) before landing a forearm for 2 again. Dupree gets the abdominal stretch and Cena hiptosses his way out but Dupree gets the spinebuster for 2. Cena fires back and lands the sunset flip off the ropes for 2. Dupree with a backbreaker for 2 before the corner-whip-and-charge eats boot and both men crack heads and drop like flies. Cena is up first and gets the Irish whip and clothesline for 2. Cena does the Can't See taunt and lands the 5 Knuckle Shuffle for 2. See what happens? Scott Keith abandons the show and Cena abandons the All New 5 MOVES OF DOOM. Is THIS what you wanted, Scott? Are you HAPPY NOW?? Cena Pumps Up and goes for the FU but Cena counters with a harder spinebuster for 2. And 2 more. And 2 more. And 2 more. And 2 more. Cena blocks a powerbomb attempt by Dupree and time is UP. Dupree asks for 5 more minutes and Angle grants his wish, prompting some nice heel/face banter between Cole and Tazz. Cena slugs away at Dupree but Rene nails a powerslam and does the often-imitated, never-duplicated French Tickler~! Cena is up, however, and this time the FU connects for 3 for Cena! Cena survives but Angle nullifies the win and declares that Cena will defend the US Title at the Great American Bash against Dupree, RVD AND Booker T in a Fatal Four Way match. Now THAT should be really cool...especially if Booker takes the US Title. Logically, it would make sense for Cena to then go after the WWE Title held by Bradshaw (should he beat Eddie) in a feud that should have happened in the first place. Post-match, Booker is back to jump Cena and RVD is in to jump Booker and clear the ring. RVD makes a gesture for the belt and Cena denies him, prompting RVD to kick Cena in the head and leave him laying as Angle smiles on and we go to:


Back to Paul E out to the ring with a shoulder bag, where he states that the home viewing audience should hit the record button on the VCR NOW so we can see where it all started. Paul E declares he's about to become the most powerful man in WWE

And out comes the Undertaker. Undertaker makes it to the ring and Paul E produces the urn. A LOONNNNGGGGGGGG staredown ensues...and Undertaker drops, kneels, and worships the urn and its new owner.- as the show ends.

Not a bad outing at all. Decent debut out of Suzuki and a segment worthy of the WWE Champion over the US Title (which does THAT belt nothing but good). Toss in the reunion of Paul E Dangerously And Mean Mark Callous and youll get no complaints here.

L8. Thanks for reading, y'all.

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