RAW RANT ARCHIVE- (June 2004)













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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (June 2004)

Raw Report: (06/07/04)

Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Raw Rant. This would've been the 2nd edition of Harry and I's "rantview" but alas, Mr. Simon's computer decided to go down faster than your sister on prom night, leaving our friend trapped in virtual Internet limbo like Terrence Stamp in that giant pane of glass in Superman 2. But fear not "true believers", when he's back online we'll get another one up, so for the time being, you'll half to bear with my half-assed approach this week, and rest assured, I'll hopefully be back in form next week with a full ass. Or something like that....

Onto the show! :

Stacy Keibler opens the show and puts over the Diva's search and the 250, 000 grand that goes to the winner. And as I've mentioned before, this cash will no doubt come in handy when you inevitably seek a high priced sexual harassment lawyer when the boys auger their way through your dressing room wall....

Gail Kim Vs. Lita; I thought for sure Gail would be portraying the role of Titanic here, with Lita of course reprising her part of the big fucking glacier, but to my ultimate surprise it was pretty smooth sailing here. What the fuck happened? All I know is that if Benoit all of a sudden starts blowing all his spots tonight, it's time to break out revelations and atone for our sins....

Anyway, Kim works the submissions here and Lita actually sells! I start to rub my eyes in disbelief but forget I still have lotion on them...uh never mind... But it stings...oh does it sting. Gail breaks out the old inverted Indian deathlock and somehow Lita makes it to the ropes. Once vertical again, Lita scores a quick DDT out of nowhere for the win. Holy 1987.

All joking aside, this was the best match I've seen this two in in a LONG time, so hats off (and pants too) to both of you.

Backstage, we learn that Coach is booked with Eugene for the PPV, but Johnny Nitro decides to be smart ass and thus gets Eugene tonight, and if he loses, Nitro is cancelled err fired, I mean.

Shelton Benjamin Vs. Batista w/Ric Flair; Judging by the way Lawler puts over Batista and Orton lately, you'd think the fallout with The Kat has driven the king over to the other team as he gets excited over the veins in Batista's arms and insists that they're huger the JR's head. I bet the holes in those veins are bigger too..wink*wink.

Another decent match here, as Shelton tries to make it four for four with Evolution, but Flair and eventually Randy Orton, makes sure that won't happen. Benjamin knocks Flair off the apron and goes up to the top and hits an inverted bulldog/clothesline on Batista, and seemingly has the match won, but Randy has the Referee tied up. This gives Batista the chance to take Shelton's head off with the mighty vein-ladened clothesline of death and finish with the academic demon-bomb for the win.

Backstage, Edge and Benoit exchange subtle insults, until Edge takes it too far by insulting the noble beaver, and the shit is on from there...Just kidding. They are interrupted by Coach, who informs them that Benoit will meet La Rez in a handi-cap match tonight...and Edge has the night off...which is wrestling code for "he's not going anywhere".

Trish Stratus accompanied by the unbridled charisma that is Tyson "I swear I'm not Nathan Jones" Tomko, approach Eric Bischoff. Trish makes a case for her to be involved in the women's title match, and insists that Tomko get Jericho at the PPV, as well. Bischoff of course agrees. GREAT. I don't know about you, but this guy does nothing for me. In fact I think it's time the WWE crosses out "big bald lummoxes" from their want-ads when hiring potential wrestlers;

Kane then enters the office and we get an intense confrontation of HOSSTASTIC proportions between him and Tomko. Kane then demands conference with Eric, ALONE, and actually kicks the camera guy out of the room, too! - marking the first time in YEARS that anyone has even acknowledged his existence. We never do hear their conversation, by the way.

Y2J Vs. A-Train; This is Albert's first actual wrestling appearance on RAW since he was traded, and as hard as I try, once again, I'm more distracted by A-Train's striped Wizard of Oz-esque boots than anything else here. Where's a plummeting house when you need one?

Jericho has the ribs heavily taped up and A-Train goes to work on them, man-handling Jericho. A-Train gets the Derailer out of nowhere but Y2J kicks out at two. He goes for the Train-wreck but Jericho wiggles free and connects with a running enzuigiri to Train's sizeable cranium (how can he miss?) and finishes Train with the Wall's of Jericho.

HHH comes out for the inevitable ego fuck interview. He says that HBK is a religious man, but he is not, and that he'll "See HBK in Hell!!!"...Um, no he won't. I kind of thought that was the whole point of Christianity... Anyhoo, HHH then reveals he'll now be heading up to a private box and makes sure to let us know that there will be food up there in the most ironic statement of the night. (like there was ever a doubt).

La Resistance Vs. Chris Benoit: handi-cap match;Grenier gets "heat" by singing Oh Canada before Benoit's theme cut it off. I found particular humor in the fact that Benoit interrupted HIS OWN FUCKING NATIONAL ANTHEM. I can just picture Chris saying as he walked to the ring: "What's Dis "Oh Canada" ting all aboot, eh? I'm A-Markin now ya know, Atlanta, eh."

La Rez pretty much double-teams the hell out of Benoit here and really rub salt in the wound by pouring mable syrup on him...Ok maybe not. In a side note, We can file the Grenier "babyface reaction" under fluke from last week, as unfortunately the only "face pops" he can now look forward to are from Patterson.... Anyway, this isn't much of a match and thankfully, Edge breaks up the party seemingly causing a DQ.

But no, here is Bischoff who makes a Tag title match between these two for the PPV (Benoit will now be pulling double duty). Eric then says this match will continue but La Resistance will have a partner..Kane.

La Rez & Kane Vs. Edge & Benoit; We come back from the commercial and Edge is half unconscious in a chin lock. Huh? It's only been one minute!...meh. Anyway, the story is now Kane and Benoit pretty much, and after Edge disposes of La Rez, Benoit counters a chokeslam attempt into a crossface..but not quite. Kane powers out and quickly chokeslams and pins Benoit! Wow. maybe if Benoit pretended that he was retarded he might of won this match?...

Eugene Vs. Johnny Nitro. First things first, Coach comes out to call the match , and they show Lawler wearing the UGLIEST suit jacket in recorded human history. It looked like he was the 4th man in an all gay barber-shop quartet. I guess it beats sitting there in your gear all the time, though. Well, that's wrestling for you. You'd never see Terry Bradshaw calling a football game all pads & helmet. Anyway.

Gotta love Johnny coming out to the WCW Nitro theme. That's GOLD. Anyway, Eugene pretty much dominates here, with Eugene even doing his JYD impression... but just stopping short of driving his car into a tree. Ah, I kid. R.I.P. JYD; He headbutts Nitro into oblivion and even pretends to piss on him. Good stuff. Eugene then finishes this squash with a double axe-handle off the top rope.

Part of me was kind of hoping they'd actually actually work more of "Nitro" into Johnny's gimmick. An 82-week undefeated streak would be GOLD in my opinion, for example.. or even starting his own stable of completely washed up wrestlers....

Lita is shown having the old imaginary cell phone conversation with presumably *Matt Hardy*, when she bumps into Kane. Kane sniffs her head again (and what woman doesn't MELT when a guy does that?) before informing her that it was him who got her into the Women's Title match at the PPV. She then says that he promised her it'd be over, to which he replied " I lied". Silly Kane, didn't that cold-sore on your lip last week teach you all you need to know about Lita?

HBK Vs. Randy Orton; Non-Title match; They gave this one a considerable amount of time, but it wasn't quite as good as the last match these two had, but still quite decent. Orton ambushes HBK before the bell and we see Evolution in the sky box as I secretly hoped that the tight shot would reveal Trips face and shirt covered in mesquite Barbecue sauce, but I can dream.

Michaels takes the usual beating here and even does COLOR IN A TV MATCH! Damn! Is this guy's skin made of paper mache, or what? However, HBK does rally and seemingly channels The Lord, returning from the dead here. Hey, I wonder if he can turn water into wine too? If so, that pretty much explains his friendship with Scott Hall... HBK gets the flying forearm, kip up, and goes airborne for the elbow but somehow Batista has made it back from the Mezzanine in time to cause a disqualification.

After the match, HBK gets "Biblical" on Orton and Batista beating the "heathen" out of them with steel chairs, as they did in the Crusades... The show ends with HBK heading up to the box and HHH still having an order of nachos ordered..the suspense! ..Ok maybe not.

Very physical ending to an otherwise blah show this week. But, Kane at least has a modicum of momentum going into Bad blood, now, and the proposed Edge & Benoit/La Rez PPV match will also probably serve as the catalyst for Edge Vs. Benoit next month. So, with that said: Thumbs up, but barely.

Highlight: I enjoyed the Eugene squash, personally. Also, bonus points go to the video packages of HBK and HHH respectively. (I didn't mention them in the rant because I forgot at what exact point they took place)

Lowlight: Believe it or not, I found the Benoit/ La Rez match very mediocre. I realize that putting down Chris in the IWC is tantamount to yelling "Gun's are for pussies!" at an NRA meeting, but it just lacked a spark. (I don't blame Benoit for the record).

Raw Rant (06/14/04) -by Sean Carless

Hey all, I'm back (finally) with the Raw Rant. For situations beyond my control, I missed Raw, but had our friend Double M Michael Melchor all lined up as my surrogate, but sadly that fell through, too. Ultimately, though, I got around to finally watching Raw, and even though this Rant is later than a visit from Lita's friend "Flo", I thought I'd put it up anyway, to at least try and avoid any more of those pesky "Where the fuck is our Rant" emails I get when it's not up in time.

Anyhoo, on with the show!

We open up with a shot of Eric Bischoff in his office, when he's approached by Kane. The Big Red Machine wants another shot at the Title, but unfortunately Da Bisch has to name someone else. Kane then flips out, and channeling a little Bobby Knight, he proceeds to rip shit up, tossing chairs and sofas like it was nobodies business.

Well, we learned one lesson here anyway. The next time you need a buddy to do you a "solid" and help you move, Kane is definitely NOT your man...

Back in the ring, JR has apparently decided that this rivalry between HHH and HBK has gone on long enough. Hey, where were you two years ago, Jim?... Anyway, HBK comes out and is so banged up that he forgets to give his obligatory props to the Lord during his intro. I really don't know how well that's going to sit with the Father...

HHH then comes out next, also worse for wear. JR sells that last night's HIAC was a classic before leaning into Trips and whispering "That's right, right Paul? I was supposed to say classic, right?...Ok, just checking.." ...OK maybe not. JR then demands that the two shake hands, and HBK extends the olive branch but HHH is somewhat more apprehensive. However, right before Trips extends his hand, Eric Bischoff interrupts and is about to name the number one contender when a seething Kane comes out, and approaches both men. Kane then boots HBK in the face and Hunter simply shrugs his shoulders and backs off. Kane then destroys HBK crushing his throat with a steel chair "Pillman" style. Huh, you'd think Kane might be a little more mad at, you know, the guy who UNMASKED him...or worse yet, accused him of fucking a corpse, but hey, why hold a grudge when you can just beat down a man who's path you've never crossed in your entire life?...

HBK begins hemorrhaging blood, employing the old Ken Shamrock trick (well, besides boning the woman who's portraying your sister..) as the Emt's and the morbidly obese "trainer" work on him. This is somewhat reminiscent of the Ricky Steamboat angle in 1987, although I don't think Steamer ever had to bite down on a condom, but hey, who knows? the locker room was pretty crazy back then....

After the break they go over the attack of Michaels again with Jim Ross baffled as to how Kane could do something that heinous. Umm, hey Jim, HE SET YOU ON FIRE. You'd think you'd maybe stop questioning someone's motives after that. They then show the EMT's wheel HBK out of the arena and load him into the ambulance, but I couldn't stop thinking how funny it would be if Bret Hart was the driver...

Lita & Matt Hardy Vs. Tyson Tomko & Trish Stratus. First I have to mention that I found it absurdly hilarious that Tomko came out to Trish's emasculating theme song. There's just something funny about a guy who looks like a high priest in Satan's dark church coming out to bad techno music. The only thing that could top it would be if he suddenly broke into Alex Wright's arm-pit dance.

Here was a case where the men had no chemistry but the women did. At one point Tomko blew a huge spot where he was supposed to catch Matt but he lost his footing and almost killed V1. However, to his credit, he did carry on as if nothing had happened, which is the right thing to do. Anyway, Matt takes Tomko out, leaving only Trish and Lita, and after a failed attempt at the Stratusfaction bulldog, Lita counters into a huge DDT for the win.

Backstage, HHH wants to hear from Eric that he's the number one contender, but Eric says that there's someone else who's undefeated that'll he'll have to go through next week: Eugene! Bischoff then tells Triple H, all he has to do is destroy Eugene next week and he'll get his title shot.

At this point, I understand they show a teaser for the new Joe Schmo show, but unfortunately, here in Canada we got 15 minutes of Curling coverage instead. Just for the record, Curling is not a real sport. Any game that the morbidly obese can participate and excel in, is NOT a sport on principal.

La Resistance Vs. Rosey & Hurricane: Non-title "Flag" match. Hey! Apparently the separatists have won, and Quebec is now a country! Because I could have sworn JR said each team is represented by its nation's flag. OK then. Also, I think I'd have to question Rosey & Hurricane's citizenship too, Isn't (or wasn't) the Justice League's headquarters on the moon?...

Anyway, this was basically the SAME match you've seen 10,000 times from these four. La Rez ends up winning when Conway hooked Rosie's leg from the floor and held on, allowing Grenier to fall on top for the pin. After the match, Greiner *attempts* to sing the French version of the Canadian national anthem. In a side note, and not meaning to harp on this, but Hurricane really needs to put the shirt back on, because unless he's also moonlighting as an all ADAM porn-star on the side, the "look" just isn't conducive to a super hero. What's next, Superman in Daisy Duke shorts?

Up next is Jericho's Highlight Reel with special guest, Eugene. Jericho puts over Eugene's big PPV win and asks him what his favorite Y2J moment was. Eugene answered that it was when Jericho pissed in Regal's tea and he drank it. Eugene then reveals to Regal's surprise that he did the same thing recently. Funny stuff.

HHH and Evolution then interrupt, and come to the ring bearing gifts. HHH puts on an insincere voice (and Batista gets the moment of the night by shooting the greatest "Big thumbs up", ever..) and told Eugene that he was his biggest friend, not Rock, not Benoit, not anyone. He then presented Eugene with an autographed picture of himself and in turn asked Eugene to sign a shirt for him. Triple H then asked a camera man to take a photo of him and Eugene saying "on the count of three, say Pedigree". The crowd groaned but nothing happened and Eugene left, but not before HHH told him they'd have the best match ever, next week. Great slimy heel stuff here from Trips and it'll be interesting to see where it goes from here.

Backstage we see Lita with a home pregnancy test. We then see Lita head towards the toilet, but hilariously, she seems unaffected by the apparent camera man following her into the commode. And for the record, who takes a pregnancy test in a seedy Arena bathroom?

After the break we see Stacy Keibler confront Lita and ask what's up. Lita then tells her she's pregnant, but asks Stacy not to tell anyone yet, including Matt. And what of the 4 million people on national television.?, Huh? Let's hope Matt doesn't watch any WWE programming at all for the next week, or speak to a single fan, so he can be COMPLETELY surprised when Lita reveals she's preggers....Ah I'm just nitpicking. This whole ordeal will of course ultimately lead to the revelation that she's really got Kane's toasted bun in the oven and not Matt's, which of course leads to the inevitable question: If you were FORCED to put out for a deranged freak, wouldn't you at least insist on a condom?

Molly Holly & Gail Malenko err "Kim" Vs. Stacy Keibler & Nidia's monster titties. It's like that Sesame Street song "One of these things is not like the other" with the addition of the admittedly non-wrestling Stacy here, who'd probably be better off wrestling Miss Jackie in pudding over on SD than in a Cornette-style southern tagteam match.

They've at least finally found a unique niche for Gail with this Deano Machino like knowledge of submission holds. And Nidia held her own quite well, too (As I did as well) while desperately trying to prevent her crazy-huge upper-deck from coming out for some air. That'd be some good stuff right there. Anyway, Gail unleashes hold number 342 of Dean's "1000" with a crazy Brock-Lock or "Block Rock" (TM. Harry Simon) on Stacy who not only tapped but almost gave us a bonus porn, ham -sandwich shot while in the throws of the move.

Chris Benoit, Edge & Y2J Vs. Evolution members: Batista, Ric Flair and Randy Orton; This is the match that saved an otherwise throw-away wrestling show. It was wrestled under elimination rules and went well over the 11:00 PM mark. First man eliminated was Batista, who was dominant and managed to resist the impulses to break into oily most--muscular poses, just long enough to wreak some havoc on the re-located Canadian/American babyfaces. Unfortunately though, he took the best of his three opponents in succession (spear, headbutt and Lionsault), en route to elimination. Jericho was out next when Randy snuck in with a quick RKO and rolled Flair atop for the pin. Next out was Edge who suffered a low blow and subsequent follow-up RKO to count the lights, leaving Orton & Flair against Benoit, two on one.

Benoit however, evened the score up almost immediately by catching Flair with a crossface for the tap-out (as a side note Flair's chest was actually bleeding hardway from Benoit's chops). This left only Orton and Benoit, and after Randy accidentally took out the ref, HHH (who was at ringside) tried to interfere but ate a German Suplex for his troubles. Benoit then snared Orton in the sharpshooter after escaping an RKO attempt, and took the win by submission.

Great match. And it's interesting to see Benoit go over so strong lately. It kind of reminds me of the Hansel & Gretal story, only with Trips feeding Flair and Orton to Benoit, fattening up the Crippler for Summer Slam where he'll "eat" him and regain the Title...

Anyway, This was a very-wrestling lite show up until the Main Event, but that, and the Eugene/HHH segment saved it. Thumbs up.

Highlight: See above statement;

Lowlight: The Stacy/Lita Pregnancy fiasco. Oh well, if anyone could give advice on stupid fake wrestling pregnancies, it'd be Stacy I guess.

Double M's WWE Raw Recap - 062804 By: Michael Melchor

The views and opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the human race.

Yes, I know what you're thinking - what the hell is HE doing here? Well, as we all know, Sean JUST got back from vacation...and boy are his arms tired. (insert rim shot here). He's got a LOT to do with catching up on a week's worth of updates and helping the FBI find Paul Bearer AND Jimmy Hoffa, so he asked me to step in to do the Raw Report. And I certainly appreciate that he did, because I've always wanted to do this. Don't you feel good about being a part of a disaster waiting to happen? Honestly, this is going to be all sorts of fun. And there will probably be a little more opinion involved than usual, because come on - how often do I get to comment on WWE's "flagship" show?

With the request, Sean also asked me to stick with the style I've started using for the New and Improved (?) 411 Double M SmackDown Recap. What that means is this: If you're looking for the blow-by-blow for each match, you're in the wrong place. The format now is to tell the story of the matches from the psychological/strategic standpoint, detailing what each guy (or girl) is going with, how he (or she) plans on winning the match, and how well it's working for him (or her). The first time I used this format, I have to admit the feedback was very positive and very abundant, so...what the hell? We're going to stick with it!

As for any pimps...you know where The Wrestling Fan is at. Hell, you wouldn't be HERE if you didn't. While you're here, take a look at everybody - Sean, Harry, Ghadaffi, Gonzo, Hart, Freda, Renee and the whole gang. There's some funny - and insightful - shit going on here, and I'd certainly recommend a read through if you feel so inclined.

But for NOW...the show must go on.

Raw - 06.28.04

Show opens with a replay of The Eugene Saga from last week. So, since Triple H didn't beat the living HELL out of Eugene last week, does this mean he's STILL going to Vengeance? Of course, silly - this is TRIPLE H we're talking about~!

Credits, Pyro, and we are LIVE from Norfolk, VA where TONIGHT: Chris Benoit defends the World Title against Kane in a rematch from Bad Blood.

Your hosts are JR and The King, and JR announces that, later tonight, he will interview Kane in the ring surrounded by security. Sweet - an early 4th of July barbecue! $20 says that Kane makes NO MENTION of Paul Bearer, despite the fact that his "father" was murdered last night on live television.

And Evolution is out to the ring en masse so that Triple H can tell us that, per Bischoff's order, whomever leave tonight the World Champion will face Triple H at Vengeance. Hunter calls out his friend, Eugene, to tell him that, while things got a little heated last week, he would never hurt Eugene because he's Eugene's friend. To that end, he makes Eugene an honorary member of Evolution - much to the hilarious chagrin of the rest of the group. William Regal is out to dispute these underhanded tactics and H responds by throwing in Regal's face why he took on Eugene in the first place - to get back on the active roster. Ouch. As the argumens ensues, Eric Bischoff is out and decided to settle it the old-fashioned way - later tonight, it's Triple H vs. William Regal...with Eugene as the "Special" (seriously, no one else picked up on that?) Guest Referee, taking us to:

Commercial.

Back to Randy Orton & Batista vs. Chris Jericho & Edge This, of course, would be the rematch from last week when Jericho was knocked stupid and Edge had to continue on his own. To that end, Evolution's goal here is simple: isolate Jericho and work on the possible concussion with as many shots to the dome as allowed by law. When THAT doesn't work, both men wear down Edge with Batista's high-impact power and Randy's methodical ring finesse. Jericho and Edge, meanwhile, while not trying to simply survive last week, attempt to neutralize the power of Batista by keeping him either down on the mat or out of the match altogether. Orton seems to be the target here because he's the smaller man, he's more susceptible to the impactful styles of both Jericho and Edge, AND because Edge would love to prove that he has Orton's number come Vengeance. As you can see, the formula here is tried-and-true logic, and therefore no reason to do anything different...just for a loonnnngggggggg time, as this match feels like the first hour all by itself. And yes, there is a

Commercial

during the match-up... The finish comes when Edge is sent to the outside while Jericho has Orton in the corner. Batista charges Jericho with the New Clothesline From Hell and Jericho moves. Batista knocks Orton stupid (he did NOT get up after that) and the faces take advantage. Edge nails Batista with the Spear and Jericho nails the Lionsault (for once) to score the pin on Batista.

JR and King talk up Kane before video history airs from Kane - and Lita's - revelation last week. Swear to GOD, Lita has the line of the month with "-but...the baby might be yours!" Priceless. You know it's pretty bad when KANE is the best actor out of the bunch...

Commercial

Back to In The Back, Ric Flair approaches Triple H about letting Eugene in the fold. Hunter's plan is simple (kinda like Eugene!): the kid has a LOT of talent, and Hunter plans on using that talent to help secure the World Title, then dumping Eugene like J-Lo will Marc Anthony in less than six months. Trust me on that one. Ric, seeing the light, praises Hunter's plan and moves on.

More footage of the $250,000 Raw Diva Search. Move along, people, nothing to see here.

In The Back, this week's installment of Melrose Raw/Monday Night 90210 begins with Lita crying in the back when Stacy arrives and asks her what's wrong. WHOA, waitaminute-we just saw the video recap of Lita's dilemma less than 10 fucking minutes ago and Stacy has the temerity to ask "what's wrong?" Somebody give her a clue...or at least a format cue so she doesn't do something that stupid on live TV, please. Lita fills her in on the haps (like she NEEDED to) and decides that...she ha s no idea what she's going to do. Well THAT was just pointless. Tune in next week when Luke Perry arrives as the James Dean-esque loner to REALLY complicate the lovelives of these crazy kids.

Security surrounds the ring for the 4th of July barbecue as JR heads down to interview Kane and we head to:

Commercial.

Back to JR and Kane in the ring. Kane intimidates JR some then says that Shawn Michaels got in his way so he needed to suffer. JR asks point blank about Lita and Kane announces that, while he may never have a normal life, he CAN have an offspring to mold and carry on his legacy. He made an "arrangement" with Lita (that would be known as "prostitution" if money changed hands) and took every precaution to make sure that Lita would become pregnant. Like what, not wearing a rubber? Seriously, what kind of "precautions" would those be? After tonight, he'll have it all - the World Title and, in about 8 months, he'll be a daddy. Aww. Kane's doing an admirable job keeping his character with a shitty storyline, but whoever wrote this needs to go back to Aaron Spelling and grovel at his feet for a job. JR states that Matt MAY be the daddy and Kane is about to flip when the Matt in question hits the ring and jumps Kane. Bischoff is out to have security haul Matt away as he doesn't want his main event for toni ght jeopardized. Because Matt Hardy is just that dangerous, mind you. After Hardy is carted off, Bischoff announces that tonight Benoit MUST win by submission, whereas Kane can win the title by pinfall, submission, DQ OR count-out. Sure - why not just announce that Kane's going to lose later tonight as we go to:

Commercial.

By the way, in the above segment, Kane made no mention of Paul Bearer whatsoever. Give me my $20, bitch.

Back to William Regal vs. Triple H - Eugene is "Special" Guest Referee Big Kudos to JR, who knows how to tell the big story: "Bischoff wants Regal out of the picture - and out of Eugenes life altogether." Regal is going in to outwrestle Triple H and bewilder him with all the wrestling knowledge in the world (and considering that this is Regal we're talking about, that's no understatement). Triple H, meanwhile, has no strategy other than beating the piss out of Regal and manipulating the referee to his ends. Finish comes when Flair tosses a set of brass knucks to Triple H and Regal decks him hard. Regal grabs the knucks for the Power of The Punch (~!!) but Eugene sees the knucks in Regal's hands and calls for the disqualification. Oh, sure - when Triple H does it he's an asshole, but Eddie Gurrero can get away with it on a weekly basis? Post-match, Eugene is disappointed in Regal and Triple H nails William into Eugene. Eugene is up - and PISSED. Thinking that Regal attacked him, he snaps on Regal and leaves with Evolution, taking us to:

Commercial.

Back to World Tag Team Champions La Reststance (Robert Conway and Sylvan Grenier) vs. Rhyno & Sgt. Slaughter - non-title match The good news is that I haven't seen anyone sing "O Canada" on a regular basis since Jacques Rougeau. Bad news is Gernier sings like an amputee...can't hold a note...can't carry a tune...(thanks to the Bloodhound Gang for that line) Rhyno and Sarge come in with the power game - thanks mostly to Rhyno, who jumps the champs early and attempts to steamroll both of them. La Reststance, meanwhile, wrestle a very smart match by going after Rhyno's head (and utilizing some illegal double-teaming) to knock out the more powerful of the duo. After all, if they can take out the stronger of the two, the weaker man is almost easy pickings. Finish comes when Sarge comes in to clean house and all 4 men are involved. Rhyno is sent to the outside and La Resistance hit the Tandem Au Revoir (credit to Richard Trionfo at 1wrestling.com since I couldn't hear JR call it) for the pin. MAN, I love that move. Side note one: Rhyno could easily be a great face and not have to change what he does at all. Big ups to the big man. Side note two: Lawler makes himself look stupid when he says that Rhyno and "another guy from Norfolk, VA", Edgar Allen Poe, both have "bats in their belfry". First off, that line is so old that even Methuseleh gave up using it. Secondly, Poe was from Baltimore, MD, you moron...

Commercial - including one for the GSN Network where American Idol reject William Hung has the fucking audacity to take on Queen's "We Are The Champions". And if THAT'S not enough, he dresses like the man and even has a half-mic stand like Freddie used to perform with!! That does it - this shitdick just got bumped to the top of the assassination list (putting Leean Rimes at #2 for her slaughter of "Purple Rain"). How fucking DARE this no-talent cockmuncher desecrate the legacy of Freddie Me rcury! I'd evem take Justin Hawkins from The Darkness over THAT shit! And this has been YOUR music update AND shameless plug, as you can read a lot more in my Music Column at 411.

Back to in The Back, Eugene is distraught over earlier, and Triple H assures him that Evolution are Eugene's only real friends.

More footage of the $250,000 Raw Diva Search. Move along, people, still nothing to see here.

In The back, Coach tells Bischoff that, while Bischoff is on vacation next week, Coach would be the perfect choice to run the show. Bischoff already has an interim GM picked for next week - Eugene. Are they fucking kidding?? Okay, Eugene is over and everybody loves him. That's great. The story with him is well-told and has people caring because we've no idea where this is going next. That's great, too, but EUGENE AS GM?? WWE is starting to fall into the pattern of, "if it works THAT well, let's beat people over the head with it", and honestly I'm already sick of it. Besides, what would the stockholders think of having the company's flagship show left in the hands of a mentally disabled person?

Commercial

Back to the SmackDown Rebound, with highlights of last nights Great American Bash. Just to drive the lack of continuity home, let's SHOW Paul Bearer's "murder" RIGHT BEFORE his "son" challenges for the World Heavyweight Championship. Not even so much as a dedication. Stupid assholes.

Kane vs. Chris Benoit - World Heavyweight Championship Match Given the stipulations, the strategies here are dirt-simple. Kane is out to put away Benoit any way he can - and has the strength to possibly pull it off. Kane attempts a count-out at least once and several pinfall attempts to meet his goal. Meanwhile, Benoit is tenacious as hell in going for wither the Crippler Crossface or the Sharpshooter. Despite the stacked deck, the two still put on an excellent Title match. Benoit fuck-up #1: At one point, Benoit drop toeholds Kane into the steel steps outside and, once in the ring, tells the referee to count Kane out. The referee, obviously, tells him he can't because of the stipulations. That wouldn't be so bad, but Benoit did it AGAIN near the end of the match when he goes for a pinfall after a Diving Headbutt and the ref tells him he can't. With all the talk about Benoit being the best, you'd think he'd be smart enough to instead go for the Crossface when Kane was almost out cold instead of straying form the stipulations - when he showed, with his strategy, that he full well knew what the stipulations were.

Benoit fuck-up #2: When Kane opted for a count-out, Benoit was outside the ring and completely immobile...until the referee hit 8, when Benoit suddenly popped up and ducked in at 9. I understand the theory, but a slow rise and groggy crawl back in would have looked a LOT more realistic, Chris. Hey, I'm sorry...I know the IWC loves to verbally blow this guy, but even he makes mistakes. Finish comes when Benoit is caught on the top rope going for another Diving Headbutt. Kane goes for the Chokeslam, but Benoit grabs his wrist and drops to the floor, wrenching Kane's arm on the top rope. Benoit goes back in, rams Kane's shoulder on the post, and - at long last! - gets the Crippler Crossface on Kane. After weeks of build and telling the story that Benoit couldn't get Kane to tap, all it took was a top rope wrenching and a corner post to make Kane finally tap out to the Crossface.

Benoit retains.

Post-match, Lita is out to make nice with Kane. She intimates that she's on his side and hands him the World Title belt to paste Benoit with. As Kane turns, Lita kicks him in the balls, but Kane is back up and jacks Lita up for the Chokeslam. Kane, however, realizes that Lita has his baby, and puts her down. Jaysis. Lita leaves and Kane turns to eat a beltshot from Benoit, who celebrates to end the show.

I have to say, that was fun. Raw was a pretty good show, but it also has its problems. As much as people want to bitch about JBL as WWE Champion and the "murder" of Paul Bearer, realize that Raw has a horrid pregnancy angle that they don't even know how to end yet (can you say "Black Scorpion"?) and a mentally handicapped person on tap to run the show next week. Logic is nowhere to be found, obviously. Point being here that BOTH shows have their high-points and low. The sooner we accept that and move on, we'll be okay.

L8. Thanks for reading. And feel free to let me know what you thought of my first ever Raw Recap.

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