BACK-LEG FRONKICK ARCHIVE (May 2004)













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THE BACK-LEG FRONTKICK!

(MAY 2004)

 Back-Leg Frontkick: (05/01/04)

Welcome once again to another edition of the Back-Leg Frontkick, the column that much like a fine wine only gets better with age....but doesn't leave you gassy and bloated....

I really don't feel like getting into anything too deep this week, so instead I think I'll just babble incessantly, and yes, I realize I do that anyway, but cut me some slack, I have so very little.

Can't We All Get Along?

I was recently perusing the Internet as I am want to do, (while other people are out living quote en quote "Real Lives") and dropped into WWE's Shop Zone website for some material on a forthcoming Satire when I discovered the most unintentionally hilarious Item EVER. The Booker T. "Stuffed Bear", and no, the photo below has not been touched up or altered in any way whatsoever. With that in mind, HOW this item has thus far gone unnoticed is beyond me.

"Booker Bear" is probably the most subtly racist thing I've seen in Wrestling since Jesse Ventura would wear those Buckwheat T-shirts back in the 80's. I mean how Sambo is this bear? I feel like a racist just looking at it. And whoever thought this particular item was a "Good Idea", either has a disturbed sense of humor, or has three first names and tucks his over-all pants into his boots.

The Fact that this Bear even exists baffles me. And even more so than that, it seems to be slipping under the radar completely of John Q. Politically Correct. Which after the Controversy that "Nipplegate" really surprises me.

Still though, there he is, in all it's glory, going for 5 dollars a pop (Racists! The Hulk Hogan bear is going for twice that!) In any event, I can only imagine the taglines they discussed to actually move this doll:

"Now, you can finally own the Bear that singlehandedly set back black & white relations 200 hundred years!...Act now, and we'll throw in a complimentary cotton bag and pick-shovel..."

I mean Dr. King would be rolling over in his grave here (Which for the record is usually a good sign that your not dead and thus probably shouldn't have been buried in the first place...)

In any event, We here at The Wrestling Fan will not dwell on the negative, And while some ignorant souls will choose to persecute Booker Bear, we'll in turn embrace him, and celebrate his gentle existence. From this point forward, he shall be our official Website mascot (along with the ghost of Al Wilson of course) and we shall Champion him.

So in closing I say, hold your head up high Booker Bear, and be brave, because that Freedom Train is coming....eventually.

Booker Bear= Our Salvation.

Negativity In The IWC

This seems to be a hot-button issue these days amongst online wrestling fans, with some taking a more critical stance on the product, while others bellow the TIRED liner of "If you don't like it, don't watch". And while I must admit that things in the WWE have improved, why shouldn't I complain if I don't enjoy something? I've always hated that attitude. I mean, how is anything supposed to change if we all followed this advice?

Some people might take it a little too far, finding fault in the most ideal show or pay-per-view, but to disagree with a character's "push" or an angle is our right as a paying customer. It's called freedom of expression, people. Learn to embrace it, or face a world with fat ugly men decorating your screen week in and week out.

Admittedly though, most of what I write on this site is tongue in cheek, because I learned a long time ago that this is what my readers want from me.

Times are a changin' in the IWC, as the bulk of fans choose to now flood forums and message boards so they can share their opinions as opposed to just looking to the opinions of the online writer.

The Chickens are coming home to roost y'all, and websites these days better be entertaining because it's come the point where why should someone just read your opinions and take them as gospel when they now have a forum to showcase their own?

The thing about the Internet is that it's a ground to basically complain about whatever you see fit....and all without having to physically face any repercussions from those you may "insult" along the way. Also, as much as I make light of certain wrestlers, If I came face to face with these same gladiators, I'd probably transform into a quivering fan-boy asking whatever talent who'd give me the time of day to sign my ridiculously unappealing Apaculco shirt with his John Hancock. Deep down I'm a HUGE fan, and although I may criticize the things I want changed sometimes, I'm really not going anywhere.

I think most people have a pretty good handle on the fact that since we (the IWC), is a mutated off-shoot of the business, that we, much like the wrestlers, portray roles and characters. Our audiences, just like their's, have certain expectations from they're favorite columnists. Some wrestlers read these site's and get hot under the collar and yell out that we're "ruining the business" or even more so "have no right" to give opinions because we're not really part of the industry (which we're not), but what they forget is that this is an environment that THEY'VE created, as people like Vince McMahon in an act of desperation once, decided to completely lift the veil on "kayfabe", and thus brought on all this scrutiny himself. They may say we know "nothing", but how can they think this when their employer has shown us exactly what happens behind the curtain? Even going so far as to create a TV show (Tough Enough) that shows the viewer every nuance on how a match is put together. The times of carnivals and smoke filled red-neck bars where the front row was filled with toothless, clueless Huckleberry's is long over. The business has evolved. It's a different beast now, one where the audience is no longer ignorant. Has it wrecked our enjoyment of just sitting back and just enjoying Wrestling? Probably. But there's little we can do about it now.

Still though, there is a war of words going on as wrestlers blow off the Internet as morons, even though as already mentioned, outside of actually taking a bump ourselves, we at least have somewhat of an insight into what goes on. It's really no different than watching one of those DVD extras, and then picking apart a film's errors and flubs because THEY SHOWED YOU HOW THE MOVIE WAS MADE. Still, these types don't get that we're just providing what for the most part, our audience WANTS.

The biggest scape-goat of this criticism seems to be my boss over at HTM.com, the Honky Tonk Man himself, who has earned a reputation for shooting straight on just about everything in wrestling, and taking no prisoners along the way. Some people pass it off as "bitterness", but if you've ever heard Honky talk, you'd know that this is just the way he is. He cuts through the bullshit. You can love him or hate him for that, but to suggest that it's just sour grapes is ridiculous, because unlike the majority of his late 80's WWF counterparts, HTM has maintained consistent gainful employment in the Independents for almost 15 years. So, it's hardly a case of "jealousy".

So, to wrap things up, next time you fire up your computer to barrage an online writer (whether you're a reader or a wrestler) with email about something he said that offended you, remember, that much like the sport they cover, they're just playing a role, and you just got hooked with their "cheap heat".

Queer-Eye For The Warrior Guy:

In my undying quest to expose The Ultimate Warrior as insane, I recently uncovered his latest commentary here, where he goes on a tirade on "Homosexuality", where he not so subtly refers to them as "queers". And while I can't help but laugh at the degree to which his apparent hatred goes, he's losing his grip on reality with each and every passing week. Here's a few of my favorite snippets from his rambling diatribe riddled with "Warrior-speak" (which is gibberish to the layman):

Warrior: "No, no. Ironically, queerness has gotten its strength from the common sense majority -- the heterosexual Atlases sustaining civilization -- who knew most, just from their gut reaction at the very beginning of zealous activist pressures, that queerness should be rejected; tolerated, yes -- but rejected. But over time, more and more the queers empty, inane and emotional whining numbingly wore down the heterosexuals natural defense. And the popsicle we gave the crying child was more tolerance. More and more phallic shaped popsicles of tolerance. Until, my heterosexual friends, the heterosexuals natural reason for intolerance was petered out and the Vagina Monologues was booked in every citys Community Center."

"Homosexual and gay are nothing but prophylactics covering up the deviancy of being queer. Homosexual(ity) is used to create an impression that it is a credible, since-the-beginning-of-time traditional mainstream majority on par with heterosexual(ity), instead of being seen the unscrupulous minuscule 1-2% minority of the population that it truly is. Gay connotes innocent fun and frolic and party favors instead of the dissolute pornographic filth and dinginess from which the "bug-chasing" majority of the minority spawned."

It goes on from there (and on, and on). Anyway, I find it really ironic that a man who detests gays so much would have participated in an industry that sees oily men roll around with one an other, exchanging "holds" and wearing make-up. I mean, look at Warrior's finisher. For a guy so repulsed by such things, he sure didn't have a problem cupping anyone's junk in mid-air like a kid in a cookie-jar as he "pressed" them over his head. Also, wasn't this the same guy who would constantly pull Rick Rude's tights down in mid-match?...

And if you read his commentaries, you'll find that he has an unhealthy obsession with "Atlas", constantly referring to him in EVERY single post. But, if you really want to break it down, isn't Atlas basically just a big naked man with a ball on his head? And if that's not a metaphor for homosexuality, I don't know what is....

Excellence of Execution Saving Lives.

Over at Bret Hart.com, The Hitman has an article up on Suicide Prevention that you should check out, Although in my experience the best deterrent to suicide has always been to not kill yourself...

Not to downplay Bret's intentions, which are noble, but I just can't imagine Bret on a suicide prevention hotline. I can just imagine the interactions:

Bret: "So, you say you want to end it all? Well, you know who else wanted to end it all? Vince McMahon, that's who.... when he yelled ring the bell!. You say your life is screwed up? I understand. But if you wanna talk about being screwed, then you got to talk about Montreal........You say your best friend betrayed you? So what. When he swears on his kids, then SCREWS you anyway, call me......Hello, You there?..HELLO?

OK, so I'm an asshole. We all know this. But at least no one has killed themselves while reading this, yet, anyway.

Kurt Angle Update:

After his horrendous fall (and alleged death) at the hands of The Big Show, it is now learned that the "head trauma" the Olympic hero suffered has caused his conscious mind to expand and in turn bestowing Tele-Kinetic powers on the 1996 Olympic Gold-medalist!

Although he is now confined to a wheel chair, he as Commissioner, is able to verbally communicate with the roster through simple thought, and to a lesser degree is able to physically manipulate objects using only his mind. No doubt this uncanny symbiotic skill will come in handy once he does return to full-time action, as he'll now be able to call his spots tele-kinetically.

There is also a rumor, that he plans on banding together a small sect of "Gifted" superstars to teach and shape in his image. One such man is Rico, who'll soon make the metamorphoses into WolveRico...once he shakes the shackles of flagrant homosexuality and finds his back-woods savage fighting instincts. Stephanie McMahon was also pegged for a spot, since she apparently possesses the mutant gene that saw her nearly triple in size in the last calendar year...Unfortunately though, at this point, there is not a spandex bodysuit in her size... more on this as it develops.

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Pimping Section:

Richard Waters returned this week with an all-new One Man Conchairto, where he discussed his evolution as a wrestling fan. Scroll down to read that.

Renee also chimed in with her two cents on random wrestling talent in her latest "Just A Thought." Scroll down to check that out.

Michael Melchor also helped a brother out by contributing this week's SmackDown report- as opposed to my usual ramblings. Check that out here.

Also, I have a brand new satire up. WWE Goes To The Movies! Check that out when you get the chance.

And finally, if you have been reading my Blog (and shame on you if you haven't) then I promised a "revealing" picture of Trish Stratus. So, without further adieu, here's Trish Stratus looking sexy with her BEAVER clearly on display. Enjoy!

Ok, that's it for me. I'll be back next week with more lovin' the way you like it. 'Til then.

Sean;

Back-Leg Frontkick: (04/08/04)

Hello Y'all and welcome back to the column that's like a warm hug on cold winter's eve, the Back-Leg Frontkick!

Now that we've got the pleasantries out of the way, let me tell you that in the last few days, I've been in a BAD way. For the first time in over a decade, I've gotten sick, and this is surprising considering what I've put into my body over the years. Let's just say, I've been known to eat things that would make a billy-goat puke. At first, I thought the culprit to be an on-the turn sandwich that I recklessly scarfed down this past Sunday, but time has proven it to actually be the regular old flu. Couple that with the fact that I haven't shaved in two weeks making me basically look like I spend the bulk of my free time making time bombs in a cabin in Montana, and you get the impression on how much of a mess I am right now.

However, my body may be breaking down faster than the inhibitions of your sister after a few drinks, but that doesn't mean I can't rant with my last dying breath...so onward and upward, I say. (Actually, I never say that, but I want to make you think that I'm all wise and sage-like.)

I'm Taking A Stand Against All This 'Gift Giving'

Yes, you heard me right. It seems now adays we've come to the point where we have to break open the piggy bank on a consistent basis, and purchase a "gift" for some manufactured holiday.

With that in mind, I just learned today that Mother's Day is this weekend, which of course means I'll be expected to buy something in commemoration of my Mother giving birth to me all those years ago. So, keeping that in mind, where's my gift? Huh? I am after all the one who essentially made her a Mother, yet I get nothing for a tiring and perilous birthing that ended with a callous Doctor getting his kicks by blasting me with an open hand to my very sensitive and tender ass with all the intensity of a hard-way Ric Flair chop. Where's my reparations?

Aww, actually I'll still buy her a gift, she after all has pretty much enabled me to become the person I am today, and never once lambasted me for my seemingly unending cycle of ultimate laziness.

But where will it end? I have a pretty large family, and thus a month doesn't pass where some sort of gift is warranted. I really wish I could pull a page from the George Costanza play-book, and simply give them a receipt for a donation in their name to "The Human Fund....Money, for people". That would be good.

The funniest thing about "Gifts" is that no one ever gets you what you want, instead they get you what they think you "need". It's bullshit, really. I can't tell you how many shirts adorn my closet like a proverbial hall of shame, purchased by those individuals who thought they'd look really 'smart' on me, even though I practically begged them to never buy me them. I mean, a sailor suit? I've never even been anywhere near a body of water that I didn't fill myself with a hose, so what would make them think that I'd ever humiliate myself by wearing this "Sea Worthy" abortion? And it only got worse as I got older. As far as I know, people in my family know I'm not a homosexual, so why do they insist on buying me these shirts that even Ru Paul wouldn't be caught dead in? I mean just trying them on would cause me to burst into flames.

So next time your giving a gift, go with cash, it frees you up the responsibility of actually having to put any thought into the procedure, and it saves the "giftee" the indignity of having to lie about the dog-ugly abomination you thought looked "sharp".

On The Turn

There is no secret that some of wrestling's most popular babyfaces actually started out as vile and hated "heels" first, before for whatever reason (usually a combination of cool relatabilty or edginess) they eventually gained acceptance and adoration amongst the masses.

Superstars like Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock and even the nWo in WCW became appealing to the audience despite being "evil", and thus, the companies had no choice but to give the crowd what they wanted, because after all, it's hard to market a babyface when the guy he's wrestling is registering louder pops.

WWE has on a few cases capitalized on their "cool" "anti-hero" popularity and made the subtle and seamless switch to babyface. However, more often than not, WWE has fallen into the same trap, taking these appealing heels and turning them into the very thing that the crowds had TURNED against in these men's favor to begin with.

You'd think that the WWE would pick up on this, and rather than watering the character down by having him shed everything "Heelish", they'd would allow the wrestler in question to simply just refocus his rage on other Heels. But, no, WWE hears the crowds appreciation for these men , and in turn sucks the edginess out them, while running them through the family-friendly marketing machine, and basically transforms them into flat, sell-outs who are reduced to peddling ridiculously gaudy merchandise, and spouting the same over-played catch-phrase week in, and week out.

There were stars that did progress naturally, like the aforementioned Stone Cold and The Rock, who although somewhat softened, were still basically the same evil jerks they always were, and that's what the crowd ate up. Instead of making life miserable for hapless babyfaces, they instead re-directed their venom towards the "unlikeable" Heels (Vince McMahon's character in 1998 for example). These progressions worked, because these men were able to subtly settle into their characters and grow, as opposed to instantly purging everything that made people fall for their act in the first place.

Two great examples of botched babyface turns were Diesel in 1995, and HBK in 1996. With Diesel, in 1994, he was gaining popularity just by virtue of destroying people, and doing it all with a breezy laid back attitude. This Diesel was an "ass kicker extraordinaire" and people took to him the way you admire an especially deadly villain in a movie. However, when WWE got their hands on Diesel, they marketed him as a smiling nice guy, and soon he became a stupid cartoon character and a shell of his former self, parodying his former no nonsense schtick with cornball one liners that didn't fit the "Diesel Character", and pandering to a crowd filled with more silly black gloves than you can shake a stick at. By the time they turned him heel again, it was too late, but thankfully he was able to salvage the damage in WCW where he was finally able to get a fresh start as basically himself.

HBK was similar in the fact that after being booed for several years, the crowds eventually began to take to his cocky arrogance, coupled with the fact that he was the most entertaining wrestler on the planet at the time. But unfortunately for Michaels, WWE once again came swooping in and destroyed the appeal of the ultra arrogant HBK by having him now be somewhat modest, all smiles and even forcing him to kiss some of the ugliest ring rats stationed at ringside, poured into their XL HBK pink T-shirts like raw pizza dough in a plastic grocery bag. Not exactly the ladies man that the character had been played up to be in his "Heel" days. Even worse is that this act (that was seriously bordering on the homoerotic) completely alienated the male fans who grew to detest the effeminate, dancing caricature that Michaels had become under WWE's marketing machine O'death. Not exactly the reaction you crave for your top babyface. In fact, collectively, HBK was turned on at The Survivor Series that year, before being repackaged (after a few fleeting appearances that year) as DX HBK, which was more true to his real life persona.

The most current victim of this time-tested FAILURE, is John Cena, who found his niche by making lemonade out the lemons WWE gave him when he was saddled with the kiss of death: A Rapper gimmick. John took that gimmick and molded it into something cool and edgy, and thus began to win people over as his character tested the realms of good taste by insulting everything and everyone. Nothing was off limits.

Cena's schtick, much like the real world of Hip-hop, possessed a renegade appeal fueled in rebellion. People want to cheer for the bad guy sometimes. So why does WWE wreck this dynamic, if only to sell some T-Shirts? I have news for you, Cena would still sell Merchandise regardless of his character's stance on the rulebook, because it was OVER. But, no, WWE had taken the Cena prototype and smashed it to bits, by toning him down, pander to the crowd and basically be a smiling jackass throwing up his hook'em horns to the roar of the similarly corny fan-boys at ringside.

Hey, if it's about money, you do what you got to do, but I'm begging for someone to KEEP the same persona when they go babyface, because it CAN work. Look at Austin. You can't tell me Stone Cold (and the WWF for example) would have caught fire the way it did if Austin all of a sudden turned from bad ass to good ol' boy high fiving the mutants in the front row? That's what Anti-hero means. You should hate him, but damn if there isn't something likeable there.

Right now John Cena is doing fine, but eventually his act will fall flat and he'll become stale, forcing WWE be turn him Heel and edgy once again, and the biggest irony of all is that the fans will start cheering again.

Smells Like WCW

So, how do you like your new Cruiserweight Champion, Jacqueline? And you wonder why SmackDown has earned the nickname "WWE Thunder" (which for those of you who didn't watch WCW, was the show that no A-list Wrestler would touch with a ten foot pole.).

Jacqueline returning from the OVW cryogenic chamber that she's been housed in and WINNING the Title off Chavo Guerrero who's own booking has suggested him as the most DOMINANT cruiserweight Champion in recent years, may be the nail in the Cruiserweight coffin. I mean, what does it say for the Men in the division when a forty year old woman who's five feet tall if she's an inch, gets the job done, and they can't?. And I don't care if she ran over Chavito with a fucking truck first, it destroyed the credibility of a title that just last year was treated as the Holy Grail itself when Rey Mysterio won it in front of his family in his hometown.

And Jacqueline? If you really want to find something for HER to do, you know there's an ACTUAL DIVISION over on the other show. No offense to Jackie who is noted as being legit tough in real life, but come on! This is like Meng all over again (Who was also real life tough and booked as such even though no one watching gave a FUCK). I mean, Jacqueline hasn't even been on TV in almost a year.

The rumored source of all this madness is of course "The Box the Game comes in" Mrs. Stephanie McMahon Helmsley-Levesque... who thought it up on the fly when original choice Matt Capotelli (Tough Enough 3) was injured by Bob Holly (Surprise!~). I guess it could be worse, she could have put it on herself, but thankfully she hasn't been under 215 for three years (I kid)

In any event, I'm finding it more and more difficult to even watch SmackDown, let alone write about it. It just makes me angry, I mean, can't the Cruiserweight division, you know, the ATHLETIC division, be the one thing exempt from Vince and Big Steph's ridiculous "Sportz Entertainment"? Save this shit for people who can't get over by WRESTLING.

WCW did this exact same routine during the Russo reign during the dying days of the promotion, basically putting the Title on women, Bookers, and even non-cruiserweights. Maybe Vince should just bring back the Hardcore Title if he wants this type of silliness. Or better yet, just scrap the whole division all together, to make more time for the High Kickin', Hard Hittin' offense that only the Generic OVW Hoss can bring to the table.

Pure Gonzo Journalism

I thought since he's been out of the spotlight for so long, I'd shoot residant Ether binger, Dr. Gonzo the chance to spout off some "Gonzo" wisdom until he's inevitable return, Enjoy:

Hey gang, this is Gonzo back from the dead with some ranting this week. You see, as heartbroken as I know my fans are for not hearing from me since Wrestlemania (who am I, the Undertaker?), my computer decided to crash on me twice, right as I finished columns both times, and right in the middle of my final quarter of college. Anyway, Sean was nice enough to offer me a little bit of his column to send out my POV on everything WWE, so here I am. I gotta tell you, rent is a little steep in this district, so I will keep it short.

The Undertaker: Well he finally appeared on TV last week, and I must admit, I wish he would stay off. It is just reliving the disappointment of what the Undertaker could have been if he didn't go the Terry Funk route with his look. Anyway, it led to a humorous exchange between my friends and I as we dubbed good old Mark, "Post-Modern Undertaker". You see he can come out with Paul Bearer and say things like, "I am post-modern Taker. I break the conventions of what you would expect Undertaker to to look like. I am open to infinite interpretation!! Cower in your boots Booker T, since there is no defense for POST MODERN TAKER!! I can beat you with the Tombstone, the Chokeslame, the Last Ride, and if I am feeling Benoit-ish, the Triangle Choke. You see, I cannot even define myself because I AM POST-MODERN TAKER!!" Imagine the promos. Pure heaven. I don't know if that last paragraph made you all laugh, but i am sure it just labeled my friends and I as the biggest losers in the world.

Scott Steiner: Looks like old Scott is out of a job now as the WWE doesn't have any plans to use him until is contract expires. Now who will I turn to for the awesome repertoire of: punch, chop, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, elbow drop, push-ups, wheezing, suplex, botched suplex, botched elbow drop, botched pin attempt, wheezing, pin and pose?

Lastly, it looks as if TNA as signed a deal with Fox Sports. All I have to say is look out Sunjay Dutt, as I am sure it won't be long until he is placed in a turban, wearing airplane goggles, carrying WOMD, and getting his as kicked by a wrestler named Captain Patrioso, or G.W. Bushe, or Lex Lugar. THE LEX EXPRESS IS BACK BABY!!!

Well that's all for now, I will try to keep up to date with this until my computer is fixed and all of that good stuff, and thanks again to Sean for letting me steal some of his column for my babbling (unless you hate my writing then it is BOO SEAN, YOU SUCK!!) Until next time, This is Gonzo over and out.

HHHappy Six Month Anniversary!

Several weeks ago, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon celebrated their six-month Anniversary, and surprisingly the World continues to turn as usual....and not be sucked into a vortex from which there was no escape, as prophecies had originally stated. Go figure.

Anyway, despite all the flack we give Mr. and Mrs. Helmsley, we here at the Wrestling Fan.com would like to congratulate the happy couple on six months of wedded bliss.

Marriage is all about compromise, and the two are rumored to have given into several such concessions, with HHH first casting off the shackles of responsible eating in favor of cholesterol ladened goodies, even going as far as replacing the once spring-fresh H2O in his celebrated water bottle with a heavy viscous chicken gravy. Stephanie on the other hand has compromised in the Boudoir, where Trips insists she "perform" under the role-playing name of "Joanie" while wearing a strap-on, attaching herself to the walnut-cracking buttocks of 'The Game' like she was a spider-monkey clung to a tree.

With compromises like these, what marriage wouldn't succeed?

Pimping Section:

Gadaffi Duck returned this week with an all new "Weapons of Mat Destruction". Scroll down to check that out.

Richard Waters gave us another quality piece, this time taking a look at Backyard Wrestling, and all without grinding a broken bottle into anyone's neck, so scroll down to check that out.

Renee, the one high-pitched voice in this sausage factory, chimed in with her latest "Just a Thought" where she looks at wrestling's rights and wrongs.

Christopher Freda has promised to reemerge this weekend with a new "Bloodletting" so check that out when it goes up.

And once again, props go to Michael Melchor who stepped up with the SmackDown Report. read that here.

And finally, we have a new Retro-review up in Game Zone on PS1 Title: "WWF Attitude", click here to read that. And, keep supporting your friendly neighborhood Blog , because every time you skip it, God kills a kitten.

Ok, Peoples. That's it for me, providing I don't die in the interim, I'll be back next week;

Sean;

Back-Leg Frontkick: (05/15/04)

Welcome back to another edition of the column that's a lot like a fast-food hamburger... that being something that doesn't live up to expectations and stuffed with useless filler, The Back-Leg Frontkick!

And speaking of fast-food, is there a more irritating commercial jingle out there than McDonalds current "catch phrase"? First, McDonalds seems to go through jingles faster than NBA stars go through white women (Um, that being a lot) and every time one is seemingly burned into your collective consciousness, here comes another mass produced mess that seeps into your brain like that worm Ricardo "Khan" Montobalm slipped into Chekov's ear in Star Trek 2.

Throw in the fact that McDonalds is trying to come across more "urban" with the hip-hop and you have false advertising right there. By these commercials, you'd think that America's largest distributor of fast-food would be frequented by these types of edgy and hip clientele, but I have news for you, no one "cool" or "hip" EVER eats at McDonalds. There's no jive-talking "beat-boxers" sitting in a car with their ridiculous friends humming "I'm Lovin' it", but instead a variety of ugly children swinging on the swivel chairs, all without parent supervision, and COUNTLESS cheap senior citizens getting repeated refills on their unfairly discounted hot coffee, before leaving the establishment altogether with several copies of the restaurant's complimentary newspapers. I know this because I ate there every night for a year and a half. And I'm about as "urban" as Carrot Top, so there goes that "image".

Game Of Survival

I have to admit that like a lot of people, I watched the last episode of Friends in lieu of SmackDown. But one thing I DID NOT watch (nor ever will) was Suvivor. I personally just don't get this phenomenon. You do realize that you've been watching the EXACT SAME SHOW for five years, right? I could undertstand the initial curiosity of seeing strangers co-exist on an Island, but you'd think that after watching unkempt, stink-ladened heroes run roughshod through the bush with an egg on a spoon for half a fucking decade would be enough to get you to commit to something a little more original (and interesting). And I'm not even speaking of the shows validity which for the record I find questionable. It's just hard to suspend disbelief for "Bushy Bill" eating a rat when the entire crew of producers and camera people are housed in an air conditioned make-shift bio-dome sipping frosty mochcinno's with moxy.

What's the appeal here? I don't care about these people or their meandering lives. I just don't get it. But if you DO find yourself being captivated by hairy, unwashed people, I suggest you turn off your TV and just take a trip to your local bus station where you can see people like this in their TRUE habitat. They call them HOMELESS PEOPLE, and free of charge, you can sit back and marvel in their uncanny ability to retrieve various cigarette debris from a plethora of garbage canisters, eventually striking "pay-dirt" and fashioning a homemade Dr. Frankenstein-styled cancer-stick, all the while begging people for change for food when the stink of "Aqua Velva" on their breath is enough to suggest otherwise. And the best part? Much like Survivor, every week one member of the tribe "Leaves" the "Island" when they are unceremoniously sent packing to the local Institution when the frightening unmedicated state of full-blown schizophrenia kicks into gear! Now THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT!

Anyway, Onto the Rasslin!

(Smack)Down And Out?

SmackDown is getting to the point lately where a lot of the better known online writers (and me) are threatening to not ever recap at anymore. It's reached WCW levels, as far as not only it's quality, but it's actual booking. I feel sorry for Eddie Guerrero, I really do. I mean, it's ironic, but who'd have ever though that that the WCW (Raw) World Title would eventually become the WWF"s most important championship? But that's exactly what has happened in the last six months as SD's writers have given us very little to care about on Thursday nights. It's ironic too, because for the last two years we in the IWC have cried out "Send Booker T. and RVD to SmackDown...so they can finally get a break!", and the irony of course is that they were actually better off under the thumb of Triple H where although not anywhere near the Title, they at least had established characters and firm spot in the upper mid-card. Who knew that when Booker T's character spouted that SmackDown was the "miner leagues", just how startlingly close to the truth it would be?

What's really strange is that SD, unlike a true Independent promotion, has access to the same money, writers and talent of their RAW counterparts, yet, it gets treated like the "B" show rather than having the company strive to have TWO equally strong products.

But unfortunately, for whatever reason, Vince and company choose to let SmackDown die, while putting all their eggs in the Raw basket. The problem with SmackDown is that there is very little to get excited about. The Dudleys on Raw were almost unanimously agreed upon as being completely "stale", yet over on SmackDown, they've main Evented 3 weeks in a row! Add to this Rob Van Dam, who was thought to springboard to the Main Event with the jump to Thursdays, has instead become a mid-card jobber, with his only singles win on TV coming against Charlie Haas...the night he debuted! Bradshaw on the other hand is a step in the right direction, but unfortunately, the character development was hot-shotted into four weeks of TV, rather than built over a six month period.

The funny thing about the JBL character is that for the most part, outside the ring, he's interesting and plays well, but once he steps in that ring, it's still just good ol' Bradshaw, hard hittin' hoss extraordinaire. For my money, a character like this is supposed to be cerebral and somewhat refined in the ring. That's what made Ted DiBiase flourish in the 80's. He was as good as he said he was, and that's why you hated him.

To be fair to SmackDown, there are several bright spots, like say Rico & Charlie Haas, but sadly, no one for them to work off of. Frankly, the handwriting seems to be on the wall as far as SmackDown is concerned, and those letters seem to spell WCW....

In closing, I have to question WWE's continued support of the Brand Extension and ESPECIALLY separate PPVs! I mean if you advertise the "rival" promotion on your TV show, what's the point? With that said, if there's ever been a time to amalgamate the rosters, now would be that time. Unfortunately, some would be sacrificed if this were to occur, but quite frankly, the ones that'd be cut aren't being used properly anyway,so, why not? We see the same eight guys weekly anyway, so what's the difference? And at least, finally, we'd have a reason to watch Thursday's again.

Hip-Hop Dropped?

Well that didn't take too long. I am of course speaking of Brian "Grandmaster Sexay" Lawler's release from his WWE contract this past Monday night.

Apparently, he was fired for arriving late to a Raw show. This is of course after he was rehired after originally being released in 2001 for trying to "smuggle" drugs across the Canadian border. Well, I guess it's back to the indy's, but it's kind of sad, You got to admire a guy who carries most of his airline carry-all in his ass. There was a reason he wore baggy pants, folks. Thankfully though, this did save him from the indignity of a Pat Patterson blitz, 'cause it's hard to plug a hole that's already filled, if you know what I mean....

Ah, I'm an asshole, sorry. I wanted to say something nice, but it's hard to feel sorry for the guy, especially when people like Kanyon get released for no good reason.

So Brian, Enjoy yourself, and go party like it was 1999, because for your gimmick that was always the case....

Conan The Politician

News coming out Hollywood (makes me sound important when I say it like that, eh?) is that the man who penned the original Conan movie, John Sillus, wants Triple H as the next incarnation of the heavily muscled barbarian. I can see that, H's does sport that cro-magnon look that your picture the famed Destroyer having, and couple that with the fact that HHH can use his uncanny YJ Stinger skill of spitting ferocious bees on command, and you add to Conan's already stacked arsenal of sword-wielding mayhem! The only problem is however, that unless all of a sudden Conan is made completely out of fudge, HHH may not exactly fit the mold, from the neck down anyway. But good luck to him anyway.

HHH is Conan!...He had an appetite for destruction...and
                  everything else.

Bradshaw Vs. The Smarks;

Bradshaw in his latest column on WWE.com, had some "harsh" words for online wrestling fans, here is a sampling:

"I am in the best wrestling shape I have been in in years. If we go a half an hour, I will be ready. For those of you fat, out-of-shape Internet wannabes who have never done anything more athletic than play checkers, kiss my ass for doubting me, and realize why you hate me. I was the guy in school who made you do my homework and locked you in your locker.

JBL will deliver Sunday and you can "report" whatever you want, but you will also realize how little influence you have, except to your little nerd friends. How long has it been since you guys that spend all your time reporting on us have been with a woman other than your mother? After all, when I see you in airports hanging out, you are always with guys. You guys dont have a questionable sexual orientation, do you? Of course, it is 2004, I dont judge. "

And No, he doesn't judge....he joins in, damn it! I'm sorry but it's kind of hard to insinuate someone's gay when you yourself roll around in your underwear with men for a living.

All kidding aside, it's pretty obvious that this is kayfabe. I mean, if it was mentioned on TV or radio I might buy it, but when the comments are directed on the exact medium he's criticizing, I think it's fairly obvious it's a "work". I think WWE pretty much learned their lesson at WrestleMania when the IWC destroyed the Brock Lesnar/Goldberg match, in that we have a little more influence than they give us credit for (at least as far as information goes).

As for JBL, it's actually a clever way to build extra heat for this Sunday's match, especially since the bulk of the Internet fans reading are the ones who'll be sticking with the product regardless, and thus may want to pay to see JBL get his ass kicked.

For the record though, I was also the guy who stuffed people in their lockers in high school, and I may spend a lot of time with my Mom, but damn it, she's a lovely person. And as for having girlfriends, well, I've had my share of those as well, even though they weren't very attractive...ah never mind.

Lance Settles Into Retirement;

We've lost another unsung wrestling hero to the thralls of retirement, but thankfully in this case it was voluntary on his part.

Lance was a very talented worker, and a VERY underutilized star in the WWE. To see Lance at his best, I suggest you download some of his ECW work. The mark of a great wrestler is how fluent he is in the ring, and how well he took care of his opponents, and I believe Lance has one of the best safety records in the game, as far as not injuring anyone goes.

So, I'll take my hat off to Lance on a great career (but only for a second, it's covering an unsightly bald spot)

And, with that said, I thought we could take a brief look at what Lance Storm can look forward to, now that he's joined the bustling retirement community:

-Joining the other feller's in a game of straight poker. I mean, how can he lose? Just look at that poker face.

-Enjoying a quiet game of shuffleboard, among other low energy senior-friendly games.

-Taking slow, yet consistently paced strolls on the beach with a bevy of blue hairs, who'll no doubt now be breaking his door down, on the account that he'll be the freshest "meat" in Shady Acres.

-He'll have to adjust to the new lifestyle, and avoid the urge to roll his brittle elderly neighbors into a snug half-crab, to avoid dislodging any plastic replacement parts.

-The folks there will find his straight-forward, well articulated approach to speaking very pleasing, as they're easily baffled and bewildered by that "Nonsense" the younger generation spew carelessly and without proper diction...

-And last but not least, convert his love of reading into the patented elderly staple of: BOOKS ON TAPE! Because, NOTHING is more exciting than Miss Marple read by the soothing melodious tones of Sir Peter Ustinov!

Good luck, Lance, and enjoy your retirement, because these after all are the Golden Years. Don't let the sun set on thee, my gentle Canadian friend.

Lance's Retirement

Pimping Section:

Gadaffi Duck took time out of his busy Schedule (pronounced "shed-jewel") to bring us a parable on Stone Cold Steve Austin. Scroll down to read his Weapons of Mat Destruction.

Christopher Freda's body was indeed found and in fact it wrote a column! Check out the Bloodletting below.

Richard Waters latest One Man Conchairto deals with a virtual pot pourri of Rasslin' topics and kicks Rey Mysterio square in the balls for the 12th straight week.

And My Friend, and yours, Harry Simon returns with a packed Clustershmazz, this time debuting part 1 of Writer's court, where Triple H goes on trial for his very life. Click here to read that.

And hats off to my surrogate and pal Michael Melchor for taking my baby (SD!) to term for me, all the while writing up a storm in just about every zone on 411. Click here to read the SmackDown Report ala Melch.

And this is a BUSY weekend. We MAY have a Roundtable up, and look for the Judgment Day Rant, because I'm a glutton for punishment.

And support my Blog, with some love and a little patience, it can grow into a man you can be proud of.

Well, that's it for me. I bid your farewell, and look forward to seeing your fat smiling face this time next week.

Sean;

Back-Leg Frontkick 05.22.04:  Featuring The  Death Of The Cruiserweight Title; An Apology To Bradshaw, And Vince Russo Finds God!
 
Welcome back to another edition of the Back-Leg Frontkick, the column that's akin to an invigorating massage after a hard days work, and much like a masseuse, I too am open to fellatio for the right price...
 
Before we get to all that Rasslin' goodness, I have to get a pet peeve off my chest. I hate chat rooms. There I said it. Now before we continue, I must admit that I have gone to a number of them, at first hoping to find like minded individuals who shared my same enthusiasm for Wrestling. But, what I found was a veritable leper colony of lonely social misfits, bottom feeders and generally, complete morons.
 
Now, if I've offended anyone, good. Maybe now you'll change the error of your ways, because you're an embarrassment.
 
I just can't fathom spending all my time typing meandering moronic messages to self-deluded imbeciles who refer to the fat guy on the other end of the computer screen as their "boyfriend" or worse yet, "husband".
 
And to those who write "LMAO" after every sentence, come on, admit it, when you've typed that, you weren't really "Laughing your ass off", and if you were, I suggest you check your sorry self into the nearest mental facility pronto, because you're obviously insane. I'm sorry, but NOTHING is that funny, so remember that the next time you PRETEND to cackle at the moronic "joke" that $$ has just written.
 
And speaking of "$$", I absolutely DESPISE when people write that gibberish to spell out their names. It says nothing, I'm sorry. It's not "cool" or "neat" or even artistic, it's gibberish, plain and simple, not to mention being an eye sore. When did writing like you had cerebral palsey become socially acceptable?
 
The biggest irony of course is that the majority of these people are not 15-16 years old as their grammar and topics of conversation might suggest, but in reality usually OVER 25! This type of idiocy isn't tolerated in the "real world", and shouldn't be online either.With that said, there should be a general level of intelligence and maturity to even get online in my opinion, and if you can't fit this mold, you can go back to toasting a load onto your 1st season Xena Warrior princess collectable DVD, while the rest of the intelligent people have sensible conversations that don't involve stupid buzz-words like "newbie" or "STFU" .
 
I know the Internet and in turn these chat rooms are an "escape" for you lonely souls, but please, clean up your act, quit your silly online group, go outside, and most importantly find a "real girl", because "Hotgrl18" is really a guy named "Ted" who probably works as an auto mechanic, and not the "barely legal" babe, that she claims she is. I mean, these types of "easy" women don't exist in real life, so what's the chance that they'd be on the Internet? So put your dick away funboy, and realize as you're "cybering", he's dancing around his living room ala Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs.
 
So, in closing, please change. This not High school, it's a computer, that's it. And from now on, PLEASE, keep your irritating A/S/L bullshit to yourself and act like you do when you actually leave the house, because frankly, us Internet types have enough trouble with negative stereotypes without you perpetuating any more.
 
Ok, now that we've gotten that little bit of unpleasantness out of the way, we can get onto the Rasslin':
 
The Death Of The Cruiserweight Division;
 
One of our questions on the Roundtable this past week was: "How would you rebuild the Cruiserweight Title and Cruiserweight division?" to which I basically said that it should be scrapped altogether, and the cruiserweight's themselves should be put into Tag teams to rebuild the fledgling SmackDown tag team division. After all, throughout WWE's history, the majority of the men who got over that were "smallish", did so in the Tag team division (i.e..: The Rockers, The Hardys, Christian & Edge...not to be confused with the anabolic version you see today).
 
After the events of the last two weeks when it comes to the CW title, I stand by this opinion now more than ever. With Chavo Classic winning the title, even though it's infinitely better than Jacqueline capturing the gold, the credibility of a belt once treated so prestigiously in WCW, died and now we're left with a belt that signifies comedy relief as opposed to the hard-hitting, high flying athleticism that it once held.
 
I was one of the people who hoped that after the brand extension, that with Exclusivity to Thursday nights, that finally the Title would be given a chance and this was eventually amplified by the signing of Rey Mysterio- the same man whom had originally put on the Title on the map. I didn't expect it to be a focal point, but at the very least hoped that this would be the one area exempt from the McMahon's ridiculous "Sportz Entertainment", as history has proven that some people can get OVER on WRESTLING alone, and thus the division didn't need the influx of soap opera, bad acting and blind girlfriends to slow down the death defying WRESTLING that we were all privy to during it's Ted Turner run.
 
But unfortunately that's exactly what happened. The wrestlers weren't allowed to just WRESTLE, and instead were expected to pull off the same scripted silliness as their much larger counterparts, instead of just being allowed to get over on their largest strength: yes, WRESTLING. After all pro wrestling is a lot like a circus, in that it's supposed to be the sum of its parts, as sometimes you have the clowns, and sometimes you bring out the elephants, then of course there's the gymnasts. There's something for everyone. But Not in Vince's circus, no sir, everything is simplified, slowed down and identical, and to the people who have no use for "Rasslin" it all seems exactly the same. Where'e the uniqueness?
 
In Vince's vision of wrestling, Cruiserweights are the bottom of the deck, and when they are used, they're utilized as cannon-fodder for the lummoxes that need their extreme bumping to "get themselves over". The sad thing is that there isn't even a shortage of cruiserweights as there was in 1997 when WWF tried implementing Light-heavyweight wrestling in an attempt to capture WCW's lightning in a bottle. Often today's Cruiserweight performer sits on his ass in the dressing room while the WWE spoon feeds Torrie Wilson's latest fledgling fish out of water wrestling attempt to the unimpressed paying audience. Even more ironic, is that Torrie's real life husband, Billy Kidman is one of these men forced to play checkers with the boys in the back while the silicone princesses roll around for 4 minutes on pay-per-view. If anything, the WWE's roster of cruiserweights should be used to pad the card and get the audience excited. It's a great way to energize a crowd to start a show.
 
So, with that said, let the Cruiserweight title die with a little dignity, and if you want a "comedy" belt, bring back the Hardcore title, after all it was built on that type of stupidity in the first place.
 
Vince Russo Finds God
 
According to an article over at 1wrestling.com, apparently written by Vince Russo, he admits that he recently found God.

In the article , he explains how he made his way to being "saved" and reveals his intentions to become a minister. Here's the snippet from the piece where he makes the shocking announcement:

"I dont expect many to understandbut in time they will, I believe we all will. It took me 42 years to "get it", but the point isI got it. And thats why starting May 24th I'll be attending Denver Seminary School."

From there, he also speaks on those individuals he's had problems with and those whom have had problems with him. He claims he's a changed man thanks to his newfound faith in God.

One of those individuals that Russo had differences with was Bill Goldberg, and when recently reached for a comment on Russo's apparent embracing of Christ, Goldberg answered: "You do know I'm Jewish, right?.."

OK I made that last part up.... sue me.

Anyway, obviously it's hard to imagine Vince Russo as a deeply religious man, and there is those who'll likely question the validity of his faith, but I'm not going to be one of those people. Instead I'm much more curious to imagine what a Vince Russo ran parish would actually be like....

So with that said, let's take a look a what the good church going folk might have to look forward to, under the leadership of "Reverend Vinnie Ru":

- makes the women carrying around the collection plates wear bikinis and participate in  the occasional "Baptism gown" match;

-Turns away Mexican and Japanese parishioners because no one would "buy" them as Christians anyway...

-During a sermon he'll insist that Jesus was crucified on a "symbol" and not a cross.

- Performs baptisms in pudding instead of water;

-Attempt to bring in more church goers by staging "Jesus: This is your life"

-When someone doesn't tithe, he'll point that person out and yell: "You'll never see that bald piece of shit again!"

-He'll refer to Judas' betrayal as a botched heel turn.

-Refers to the time Jesus "cut a promo" on the mount of olives.

-Confuses his congregation by insisting John 3:16 means "I just whipped your ass"

-In an attempt to hook young people, he'll create "hip" and "edgy" youth groups like "D-Nomination X" and nWo (new World orthadox)

-When reading from the book of Revelations, and speaking of Armageddon, he won't be able to resist the urge to yell "Live on Pay-per-view!"

-And finally, throws down his collar in a SWERVE and yells that it was all a ruse!.... before ultimately going back to God three weeks later with no explanation given...

Ah, I kid Vince Russo, really I do.

So in closing, remember, there's a lot worse things in wrestling than being touched by the hand of God, like say, being touched by the hand of Rob Feinstein.....

It's OK, I'm saved, I can say these things.

RussoSaved.jpg

 
Bradshaw Wins
 
To be brutally honest, I was so ready to bury Bradshaw or "'Bradshit" as our own Harry Simon refers to him, that I even pre-made a banner ahead of time so I could purposely bury him as the man who finally killed SmackDown, but you know what happened? I actually learned to like the guy. His Character is growing on me, and his work last Sunday, even though it'll never be confused with that of a mat tecnician, was consistent and hard-hitting. And that's all you can ask of the big guy.
 
It's sad but the whole IWC villainizing of certain types has caught up with me, as I find myself being critical of things I'd normally never criticize of in the past. Call it peer pressure or whatever, but I find myself sometimes burying certain guys just because it's the chic thing to do. Maybe HHH was right about the Internet all along...
 
The biggest irony of all is that we often cut our childhood heroes a break (Hogan, Warrior etc.) and bury men like Bradshaw and others, even though from a wrestling standpoint, the men we criticize today are often way better workers than their counterparts ever were (although, there are exceptions cough*HEIDENREICH*cough)
 
The JBL character itself, although somewhat rushed to the forefront, has been very well executed and his heat, especially amongst those in the Latin community, seems off the chart. And most importantly, Bradshaw himself seems to be having a blast with the character, letting his somewhat natural smarminess shine through, as is evident by his SUPERB promo last Sunday.
 
So, with this in mind, enjoy the pic below because as far as John Bradshaw Layfield is concerned, I'm going to cut him a break and let his work speak for itself, and not jump all over him because it's the popular thing to do. But make no mistake about it, I will continue to make light of alleged "shower room" activities, because, quite frankly, there is too much comedy GOLD there not to.

BRADSHIT.jpg

 
K....F....C
 
From CNN.com: MILL VALLEY, California (AP) -- An employee at a fast food place was arrested after a customer at the drive-thru window received the wrong side order with his chicken dinner -- some pot.
 
The customer who visited a KFC in this San Francisco suburb Friday got two bags of marijuana, instead of the extra biscuits he had ordered. He gave the pot back to the worker, got his biscuits and called police.
 
And everyone is surprised? The Colonel said for years his chicken had eleven "herbs" in it. We're just finally finding out what those herbs actually were. So the next time you frequent your neighborhood KFC, don't be surprised if you see Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson inhaling a bucket with reckless abandon, and don't be alarmed when you see heavily-armed Colombians working in the back, it's probably just affirmative action and nothing more. But as a word of warning, don't eat the "Big Crunch" sandwich, unless you're willing to a commit to a night of Margot Kidder-like insanity en route to waking up in someone else's bed ala Robert Downey JR. You've been warned.
 
With that said, Could there be a better person to endorse the Colonel's secret recipe than "Mr. Thursday Night" Rob Van Dam? Much like the tasty chicken, RVD himself has been "fried" for years, so it'd be a perfect fit. And bar that not working, Rob could easily be the model employee. With his vast experience, just imagine the care and precision in which he'd roll the Clubhouse wrap, not to mention suggesting new and creative ways for customers to utilize the complimentary 2 Litre plastic Coke bottle that comes with your order....

FriedChicken.jpg

Pimping Section:
 
Christopher Freda returned with a new Bloodletting where covered and gave insight into ROH's Round Robin Challenge lll;
 
Renee returned this week from a brief sabbatical, for an all-new "Just A Thought". This week she looks at Chris Jericho;
 
The incomparable Harry Simon has finally finished his Mona Lisa in the COMPLETED Writer's Court; Click here to read that.
 
Also, don't forget to check out veritable smorgasbord of "goodies" in this weeks Raw Rant, and last Sunday's Judgment Day Rant. Also support the blog, because it'd have your back;
 
And finally, give the Staff Roundtable another whirl. Click here to read that.
 
Well, that's it. I'm outta here faster than a guy named Tyrone in a Honytonk bar. See you next week;
 
Sean;

Back-Leg Frontkick: (05/28/04) This Week Sean Looks At Possible New Competition For WWE, WWE Diva's Search, And The REAL Story Behind Eddie Collapsing!

Hello, hello, and welcome to another edition of the column that treats you as if you were "special", even though it's quite clear that you are not....The Back-Leg Frontkick!

Before we get to the Rasslin' goodness that I bake with the same lovin' that your mom puts into her huge apple pies, let me first address an email I received several days ago from a female reader, pertaining to comments I made about "Lesbians" in a recent Raw Rant.

Without printing the contents of the letter and her identity (she asked me not to), let's just say she was none too pleased with my comments on Jill Q. Manhater and her merry band of ballbusters.

Hey, I have nothing against Lesbians, (in fact I've adopted the lifestyle myself) I was just amused by the irony that some lesbians are attracted to women who look like men, and can only have intercourse by using a device that is BY DESIGN created to resemble a PENIS. Which leads me to the conclusion that the dick isn't what you despise, but what's attached to it....that being the rest of the MAN...

And you know, I have to tend to agree. Men are hairy, hideous and repugnant. As a matter of fact, I can't understand why any woman, at any point in history, EVER agreed to have sex with a man, period. We bring absolutely nothing to the table physically whatsoever. I mean, I can't even watch a porn movie if there's a guy in it. As men, there's just certain angles we as men are NEVER supposed to witness. And if it wasn't for technology and film in particular, we'd have absolutely no idea how truly repulsive we look while in "action".

I don't know about you, but I for one could go a lifetime without ever seeing my own balls, which for the record, are the human bodies equivelent of the chrome bulldog hood-ornament. That being grotesquely ugly and serving no aesthetic purpose whatsoever.

Now that we've established that men are repulsive, You must admit that deep down you require the penis for survival. So, let us come to a compromise. We'll supply said genitals, and you in turn can utilize them as if they were the regular grab bag of "sexual aids" you partake in like a kid in a candy-store. And from there, we'll in turn just lie there while you use our bodies as the world's most disturbing pummel-horse. And if worse comes to worse, we'll even be willing to wear a foam latex Rosie O'Donnell mask, if that's what float's your boat.

I mean, why take it from a big fat woman who looks like a guy with a strap-on, working you over like someone trying in vain to use a garden-weasel in February, when you can have a REAL fat guy, with a NON-DETACHABLE appendage?!

Call it a public service or whatever, but you should learn to embrace the penis, even if you're not particularly enamored with it's life-support system.

I mean, face it, when you have an itchy ear, you stick your finger in your ear to scratch it... you don't put an "ear" in an "ear".

OK, now that I've alienated any lesbian wrestling fans (which is not very likely do the nature of the industry) we can finally move on to the Rasslin'!....

Calling All "Divas"

Last Monday, Vince McMahon announced yet another WWE Diva search (didn't they do this last year already?) with the winner of the competition garnering both a one year contract, but $250,000 dollars as well. Here's the official proclamation from Vince as it was heard last Monday on SpikeTV:

"The search is on for the most glamorous, sexy, personable, classy woman in all of the United States and when we find her, that lucky lady will be the next RAW Diva and win a quarter of a million dollars. Now, who will decide the winner? You will - all of you who watch Monday Night RAW."

Well, it's good to see the WWE has it's priorities straight....

I'm not trying to be mean, but with a full roster of non-wrestling "Divas" (Sable, Torrie, Dawn etc.) really doing nothing of note, why in the world would Vince and company be interested in hiring another, let alone paying her more for one year's service than half the entire roster!? And for what? Apparently this "Diva" isn't even going to be used in a wrestling capacity, but, instead used for public appearances, and of course the obligatory tropical photo shoot.

I can't see how this will benefit anyone-but the winner of the contest, as there really is no pay off for this investment on their part.

The bottom-line is that WWE is a PUBLIC COMPANY now, and they have a responsibility to return dividends to their stockholders on these crazy schemes. I mean in the last 4 years, Vince at the helm of this public company has thrown away millions on everything from the abortion that was XFL, WCW, the huge-money signings of the nWo, Hulk Hogan, Goldberg, and now this. And while this isn't a huge amount of money in the overall scheme of things, it's still insulting to those individuals backstage male AND female alike, who bust their asses, work over 250 days a year, and make less than half off what these plastic princesses will.

The WWE needs more CREDIBLE female wrestlers, not more Torrie Wilsons, being force-fed on us, all the while when they do actually attempt to "wrestle", they do so with about as much grace as an old man throwing elbows in a swimming pool.

The funny thing is that we all know what archetype will prevail in this competition anyway, as Vince seems to have tunnel vision as to whom he deems worthy of being programmed as sexy. And at times it's not even what the actual audience might find appealing in the fairer sex.

For as much talk as there is about Vince having a preference for "big men", similar criteria holds true for the "Divas", as the majority of his picks tend to be overly muscled gym-rats who's original parts are probably floating in jars in a plastic surgeon's office. No disrespect to these types, as one or two are unique, but when 90% of them look as if your dick would break off inside their asses, I'd hope they'd mix things up and go for a more relatable, "normal", pretty girl-next-door look, as opposed to the jacked-up California image that is seemingly mass produced in the exact same WWE factory as those hard hittin' "Hosses" JR seems to cream himself over. Of course this is just my opinion.

Anyway, You get the impression that Vince is more "Carny" than businessman, as he seems to be adept at producing strange ideas and out-there gimmicks, than buckling down and spending the money where it's actually needed. Perhaps Vince was really just an idea-man who caught a lucky break. I don't know.

All I do know is that this whole thing makes me angry, and maybe it shouldn't, but it does. For all the crap we give HHH and Undertaker, at least they draw (or have drawn) money for the company at one time ore another. This "Diva" search is just another attempt for WWE to garner some publicity by contributing to the seemingly unending obsession with reality TV.

So when whatever augmented blond wins the competition, and in turn appears on TV in the inevitable Vince "perverted old man" skit or rigged "Bikini contest", think about the guys busting their asses out there, while cramming 7 guys in a car to get to the next show, while "Buffy" "earns" her money by doing nothing of any value whatsoever.

 

As The World Turn(er)

After months of Goldberg's profile still being listed on WWE.com, in hopes that they'd sign "Da Man" to a contract extension, it has finally been taken down.

With Goldberg and Steve Austin both*officially* free agents now, rumors are once again swirling that the two could be bound for a new promotion. One that would likely be built completely around them and their "feud".

Throughout most of this speculation, Ted Turner's name continues to come up, as apparently the former WCW owner is very interested in starting another promotion once Time Warner's "no-compete" clause expires next year.

If these rumors are true, and Turner is actually interested in throwing his hat back in the ring, this could finally be the competition that the industry so desperately needs. Turner not only has the connections and the money, but also access to one of several TV networks, which is the life blood of a wrestling company. Couple that with the sheer amount of A-list free agents out there now available such as Goldberg, Austin, Hogan and even Mick Foley (who is NOT under contract to WWE), this upstart could generate some buzz right out of the gate. And while building a promotion around these men is hardly good for the long term success of a company, it's initial shock value would likely generate initial ratings on curiosity alone.

Now, the only piece of the puzzle missing is a figure head, someone who'd run the day to day operations, and ironically enough, Eric Bischoff's WWE contract is on the verge of expiring. Imagine if after spending this much time in the WWE, if "Easy E" would all of a sudden up and re-join Turner in forming this new promotion! And while it's not very likely at this point (the Turner company is still just a "rumor" at this point) one couldn't help but be captivated at the prospect of history repeating itself as Eric, with money behind him, tries to rebuild the empire he once had. At the very least, a promotion like this would cause WWE to get their shit together or risk having mis-handled stars like RVD and Booker T. (among others) "jump ship" to the rivals for more money and less road time. This could easily happen, as there would now be serious alternatives for many stars otherwise stuck in WWE because, frankly, there was never anywhere else to seek viable full time employment.

Whatever comes of this "rumor", I hope it does happen. WWE experienced it's boom period after being FORCED to change their booking philosophy, as they had no alternative but to in the mid-90's, when WCW's then revolutionary programming forced the stale WWF to change with the times and actually go with DIFFERENT people on top.

Change is good, and competition is beneficial to everyone. It's what makes Vince tick, whether he wants to admit it or not. And his urge to crush this (or any) upstart promotion could do nothing but help WWE's (most notably Smackdown's) current staleness, as he'd likely attempt to outdo anything his "rival" would produce. I mean, why change when you have the world by the balls? But things are definitely different when you have someone breathing down your neck. This could be the best thing to happen to the industry in a LONG time.

Bull Doggy-Style

This past Sunday was the 5th anniversary of the Owen Hart tragedy, but during a conversation with Harry Simon, the topic of conversation somehow segued into Diana Hart and her controversial book, "Under the Mat", where she made allegations that her ex(pired)-husband Davey Boy Smith, apparently drugged her drinks and in turn sodomized her while she slept. The story then goes onto say that Diana was having a conversation with Ellie Neidhart (Jim the Anvil's wife), where Diana revealed that her ass was sore, to which Ellie replied that Davey probably drugged and sodomized her as Jim used to do to her.....(or so the book says)

Wow, that's something. I'd have never pegged Davey Boy as an ass-man, myself. One thing I do know for a fact though is, they definitely didn't learn THAT in the Dungeon. And as much as I try, I just can't picture old Stu teaching the finer points of arm-locks and half-nelsons, before getting the boys in a huddle and going over the do's and don'ts of ass-play. Although, had Stu gone done that (dirt) road, maybe he'd have had a lot less groceries to buy if you know what I'm saying. I mean the Greeks did mean for it to be a form of birth control when they "invented" it.

Anyhoo, apparently this book has been suppressed most likely due to the unsupported allegations contained within. I for one refuse to believe that Davey would behave in such a manner, or even worse, that Jim Neidhart would initiate the "act" while stroking his goatee in that disturbing manner.

One thing that made no sense though, is that Diana claims that this happened repeatedly . I don't know about you, but if I woke up with a tender ass and no memory more than once, I'd tend to start fetching my own "drinks" from then on in, if you know what I mean. Most people in that situation, would, I don't know, DIVORCE the guy the moment it happened? I mean what else could it be? Somehow I'd think you'd make the connection a little faster than Di did. You just don't wake up with a broken ass in everyday life (Unless you sleep over at Patterson's).

Diana spared no expense in burying everyone and in turn made some pretty libelous remarks. So much so that the bulk of her own family has turned on her.

That Diana, what a pain in the ass.

The REAL Story Behind Eddie Guerrero Passing Out:

When Eddie Guerrero passed out on last week's edition of SmackDown, the WWE would have you believe it was due to a combination of blood loss from the Pay-per-view, and post concussion syndrome. However, we at The Wrestling Fan have evidence to the contrary.

If you've followed the ongoing story here at the Wrestling Fan, you'd know that when Kurt Angle was hurled from a cliff by the Big Show, he was not only confined to a wheel chair (and thankfully not the usual DEATH that accompanies a 2000 foot drop) but also bestowed with telekinetic powers. The blow to his head upon impact from the frightening plunge reconfigured his cerebral cortex and created an uncanny ability to levitate objects, and more importantly blessed him with the gift to read, and in turn manipulate minds around him.

What you don't know is that the WWE, in an effort to dissuade the telepathic Olympian from pursuing legal reparations for his "accident", went to GREAT expense to appease Kurt, by first creating a fully customized wheel chair, capable of flight, then ultimately fashioning a device that allows the fallen Olympic hero the luxury to enhance his already intense telekinetic prowess, only on a much larger scale, thus enabling Kurt to tap into the collective consciousness of the SmackDown locker room at will, and in turn create a symbiotic "bond" with them. The device nicknamed "Cerebro" is said to cost upwards of five hundred million dollars, or one Bill Goldberg contract.

However, What WWE doesn't realize is that the SD General Manager has not utilized "Cerebro" in the benevolent manner for which it was designed, instead using the machine for dubious means, utilizing it's powers to torment the minds of his various detractors. Unfortunately for Eddie Guerrero, he was it's latest victim.

Our man on the scene was able to snap several VERY incriminating photos of your Olympic Hero during various stages of his diabolical plot.

1. We see Kurt, hooked into "Cerebro" which was secretly located in the Heel shower room. Apparently, the machine was nearly shorted out several times when Bradshaw playfully splashed water at Kurt who was amidst heavy telepathic symbioses, before thankfully turning his attention to a soaped-up Shannon Moore....

Kurt then with no distractions, was able to "tap" into Eddie's mind (While Bradshaw was off in the corner, doing some tapping of his own...).

2. Unbeknownst to Eddie, Angle was now deep into his mind and began to cause some severe damage to Eddie's frontal lobe causing the WWE champion to stumble and collapse in the ring in mid-match, as everyone around looks on in confusion.

3. And finally, with the medics tending to the fallen Latino Heat, Rob Van Dam spots Kurt and Cerebro. Angle then panics, and he and the chair become airborne and jet across the darkened rafters of the arena, while RVD scratches his head in disbelief at what he just witnessed, before ultimately blaming the whole episode on the cheap dime bag he had purchased earlier that evening

With the bulk of the attention still on Guerrero, Angle was then able to slip out of the arena unseen.

More on this story as it develops.....

Pimping Section:

Christopher Freda returned with an all-new Bloodletting, where he looks at the recent ROH show from Philedelphia; Read that below;

Richard Waters gives his two cents on the impending HBK/Trips HHHell in a Cell match, and it's impact on the World Title, in his latest "One Man Conchairto". Scroll down to read;

Renee has a new "Just A Thought" up where she looks at racially driven comments and storylines in the WWE; Scroll down to read.

Michael Melchor gets back into the swing of things with his latest SmackDown Report; Click here to read that.

And finally, check out my Raw Rant and of course The Blog, it needs your love.

Well, that's it for this week. I'll be back next week with that gentle touch you know you love...

'Til then

Sean;