RAW RANT ARCHIVE (May 2004)













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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (May 2004)
















RAW Report: (05/03/05) By Sean Carless
HHH: THE WATER BOTTLE= THE STAR OF RAW.

The good news is that TSN didn't pre-empt RAW this week, the bad news is however that I'm currently in the thralls of violent stomach upheaval, originally thought to be brought on by an Arby's "Philly Beef N' Swiss" that I so carelessly devoured in the wee hours of the night, but at this point I don't know. The room is spinning and colors seem to be getting brighter....This must be what it's like to be Rob Van Dam.

Anyhoo...

HHH, Batista & Randy Orton Vs. Edge, Tajiri & Shelton Benjamin.We open the show with a match as I notice that Ric Flair and his stunt cock are surprisingly missing from the Evolution side, but then I soon realize that the impending lawsuit is in Phoenix (the site of Raw tonight) and that might be why he chose to not appear. Very good opener ensues with even Tajiri being booked as being on the same level as his five counterparts. JR and King nearly ruin the pace though by babbling, with JR going into a spiel on how "Wrestling is coursing through Randy Orton's veins". Huh, I thought that was steroids myself. I kid.

I can't get over how much Edge is slowly turning into HHH Y2K4. For Trips sake, let's just hope Ol' Adam doesn't get an eye for the rotund ladies, or The Game's dream could finally end. Anyway. Great final sequence here as Tajiri sprays the mist in Batista's eyes in mid Demon bomb, and Orton gets distracted and tends to his fallen comrade before turning around and eating an Edge spear as Edge gets the pin. Great opener.

Backstage we see Coach and Garrison Cade, who's radiating charisma like heat off an iceberg ,discussing the women of Phoenix when we see Vince McMahon. He's here to see the World Title match apparently;

Rob Conway Vs. The shirtless Hurricane; Hurricane, "Faster than a speeding transsexual, able to leap juice bars in a single bound".... I'm sorry, but it's kind of hard to take someone serious as a defender of "Truth, Justice and the American Way" when their current look makes them look like they've spent the better part of the evening dancing in a giant birdacage at The Lazy Penis. Anyway, poor Hurricane is just fodder for Conway here to build momentum for Eugene next week. Remember when this guy beat The Rock? Anyway, good little match for what it was, that Conway wins with a cool elevated roll of the dice.

Kane Vs. Steven Richards; Poor Stevie. He lasted about as long as a prom night handjob here. I clocked it at about 30 seconds or so. Kane handily wins with the chokeslam. Kane then runs backstage. Yes, runs. I don't know about you, but nothing wrecks a monster's credibility in my opinion like a comfortably paced brisk jog. There's a reason why guys like Jason Voorhees move like one mile and hour....

The Highlight Reel is next, but first Jericho challenges the winner of tonight's World Title match before bringing out his guest: Matt Hardy. Matt wants Lita to come out so he can "make it right", but Lita appears on the screen crying and obviously being coaxed into saying she doesn't love Matt, before breaking down and saying "Help, Kane has me in the basement!". Which of course leads to the question of: How did a seven foot guy go and kidnap someone while going unnoticed past the 200 or so tech-guys backstage? Anyway, I never realized how harsh Lita was close up, as her "porn face" was only matched here by her "porn-quality" acting skill. And for those who don't know, "Porn face" is usually the result of 5-10 ten years of constant, grueling, hardcore sex. Not that I still wouldn't hit that though.

Matt runs backstage and Chris stumbles with how to end the segment when Christian, Trish, and Tyson Tomko, who can only be described as the one night stand love-child of both The Undertaker and Goldberg, come out. Tyson rushes the ring and attacks Jericho who holds his own temporarily, as I hold mine at the prospect of Trish's snug top...Anyway, Tyson kicks Jericho in the face (which for the record is move #1 of 3 in the big book of Generic hoss offense, the other two of course being a spinebuster and a powerbomb). Everyone then gets their licks in on Jericho, including Christian who puts him down with the Un-prettier.

After the commercials, Matt finds Lita with Kane nowhere to be seen. Matt asks if Kane "touched Lita" but she answers "no" then embraces Matt. Huh, I'm surprised that Lita wants nothing to do with Kane. I mean what girl wouldn't want a guy who looks like a seven foot penis?...

Gail Kim Vs. Smilin' Victoria; Non-Title match. This match started off fine, until Gail blew all her timing and botched her punches by GOING DOWN TOO FAST-and while I normally don't mind that from a woman, it just exposed the match. Also, am I imagining things or has Victoria transformed into Ivory? You know, uncomfortably intense and all smiles and good times. The end comes when Gail spins a head scissor attempt into a Royal Octopus/Fujiwara arm bar combo to get the submission win.

We are then shown William Regal, Eugene and Tom Pritchard!~who for the record is starting to resemble a 1970's Woman more and more with each passing year. Regal tells Pritchard that he'll basically torture Eugene so he'll not want to pursue being a wrestler anymore. Except, Eugene is more than capable and basically hands Regal his ASS.


I'd be lying if I said this wasn't one of the most perversely amusing things I've EVER seen on WWE TV. Especially when Eugene introduces the Triple H Water Bottle into the drama as Flight of The Valkyries plays in the background. Regal's facials completely made this skit. Totally awesome stuff.

HBK Vs. Chris Benoit; World Heavyweight Championship match; They're giving this one about a half hour, so it's bound to be good. The two exchange take-downs early, then a lot of mat work, before eventually pulling out their spots as Benoit attempts several crossfaces and a sharpshooter while HBK hits the huge elbow off the top. Move of the night sees HBK with an INCREDIBLE standing moonsault to Chris, off the top-rope and to the arena floor! Just amazing. With both men on the floor, Benoit gets posted-and does color, but not before HBK's tights get almost pulled off as he exposes most of his ass, as I wonder to myself if someone had to restrain Patterson backstage. For those of you don't know, exposing one's ass in the vicinity of Pat Patterson is comparable to dropping a banana in a monkey cage....

Anyhoo, back inside the ring, Benoit gets caught in the Lion tamer by Michaels, but ultimately makes it to the ropes. Benoit rebounds and apllies the crossface but Michaels escapes it twice. HBK tries a superkick after his flying elbow, but Benoit scoops the legs and tries the sharpshooter, but to no avail. In the insuing chaos, the Referee gets bumped, and HBK lands a desperation superkick, but before he can cover, Triple H runs in (SURPRISE!) and pedigree's Michaels allowing Benoit to get the pin after going out for lunch, hopping on a plane and making it back to the arena to make the cover with time to spare, because the pedigree is THAT DAMN DANGEROUS, PERIOD.


The show ends with Trips laughing at Michaels.. and us all.."You thought I'd Changed?, Stupid Internet!....Bwahahahaha!"

-I guess this means Trips and more notably, the never ending HHH Vs. HBK circle-jerk isn't going to end anytime soon. And while I was convinced that Bad Blood would feature a one on one match between HBK & Benoit, I'm now more convinced that we'll get some more multiple person silliness like an "Elimination Chamber" in June. Still though, bar the finish of the Main Event, this show absolutely delivered, so thumbs up.

Highlight: There were two great matches in the opening tag, and the Title match, but for me, the sheer entertainment value of Regal/Eugene and HHH water bottle won me over.

Lowlight: Gail Kim Vs. Victoria; Kim started out fast and furious but crapped out by mid-way point, but who knows, maybe it was jet-lag? It is a long commute from "Korea" you know.

Raw Report: (05/10/04)

Well, I'm back for another edition of the Raw Rant, but like a fool, after battling the evil forces of Influenza last week, I stupidly got back on that horse and consumed two pieces of questionable Pizza this evening that had been baking all afternoon in the uncharacteristically hot Canadian sun earlier today. I am OK, at the moment anyway, but I can picture my stomach shaking a proverbial fist at me in disgust.

Anyway, on with the show!

HHH Vs. Shelton Benjamin; HHH appears to have a tan this week, likely to shade the paunch, but I could be wrong. All I know is you don't get that pudgy drinking mineral water, so maybe somewhere along the line the water was replaced with Velveeta or something? I don't know. One thing I do know is, that the fatter HHH gets, the better he is in the ring for some reason.

Another fast paced outing from these two that Shelton gets the best of most of the way. HHH steps aside of Shelton's Stinger-splash and dumps him to the floor. HBK then runs in, making an angrier entrances here than Jesus in the Temple with the Money lenders. He then attacks HHH like he wasn't keeping the Sabbath holy something, before Eric Bischoff makes an appearance "suspending" HBK and travelling back to 1998 for the "Security escorts wrestler from building, gimmick"

And that's a Sportz Entertainment finish, folks.

Backstage Evolution is enraged and Flair gives a pep talk. Apparently someone forgot to nudge Ric and tell him it's not "1944" anymore and calling Tajiri a "Jap" might be perceived a little insensitive. Bischoff then comes in and tells HHH he has an opportunity at the World Title next week.

Batista Vs. Tajiri; You know, I like Batista and everything, but it's hard to save credibility as a "monster" when you break into heavily-oiled homoerotic muscle poses in mid-entrance. All that was missing from this intro was someone with an effeminate voice yelling "Most Muscular!".

Anyway, not a one-sided match at all, with Tajiri laying in some great stiff shots. At one point Tajiri got a near-fall when he countered the Demon-bomb into a tornado DDT. Batista though , seconds later catches a kick and muscles him up into a spine-buster for the win.

After the match Batista delivers a spinebuster and a Demon-bomb as green begins to trickle from Tajiri's mouth that I'll assume is just the "mist", because if it isn't, I suggest transporting him back to Romulus as fast as possible for medical attention......

Stacy Keibler comes out to pimp the new Diva's video, when Gail Kim and Molly Holly interrupt. Poor Gail looks like an Oompa Loompa compared to Stacy, who looks to have a good 5 feet on "Korea's" favorite superstar. The two then assault Stacy, as Victoria, a returning Jazz and Nidia accompanied by her gravity defying tits intervene. I mean, I didn't think the human body had that much skin! Wow. I'd like to have been there for that doctor's consultation. Nidia:" Doc, take the biggest implants you have....one's that are so big they'll kill me, and, well, just back those up one size"...

We learn after the break, that we'll have a Six-Divas match later tonight.

Randy Orton Vs. "Triple Edge"; Intercontinental Title match. "Edge: his testicles are small, but his will to win is large." Come on, you don't get that big without a little "help".

Anyhoo. Match starts a little slow but gets better as it builds. Move of the night sees Randy attempt a hurricanrana but Edge catches and counters into a great sitout powerbomb. Randy is really getting his teased near-falls down to a science here as he kicks out. Ric Flair comes out, and this eventually leads to Edge's undoing. Edge looks to spear Randy who just stopped short of colliding with Flair, but Randy side steps the charge and lets Ric take the bullet and pins Edge with a rollup with tights.

In a side note: Someone pointed out to me that Edge was wearing a thong. Isn't anything just for women anymore? And besides, I just don't understand the point of "thongs". I mean, isn't the point of underwear to cover your bare ass so it doesn't touch your pants? A thong just sort of defeats the whole purpose if you ask me. It's kind of like cutting the tip off a condom...

ANYWAY.

Backstage, Eugene is warming up when Eric Bischoff corners William Regal and tells him that he doesn't want Eugene to win this match so he'll become dejected and quit the WWE, getting him off the hook. He offers Regal the chance to return to the active roster as incentive to make sure the "right person wins". Gee, it's a good thing in the WWE universe the camera really isn't there or Eric's sister might actually HEAR this chicanery on her, you know, TV?...

Gail Kim, Jazz & Molly Holly Vs. Victoria, Stacy, & Nidia's tits; A black woman, a Hispanic and an oriental? When did WWE get into Affirmative action? For the record though, if these women offered me some "action" I'd answer "affirmative"... even Jazz... she does have the cutest Adam's apple!...Hey wait a second.....

Not a bad match, but when was the last time you had a women's match where Gail Kim wasn't the worst one involved? Ah, I kid. Gail ends up winning the match for her team when she makes Victoria submit to a single-legged crab. (I think I caught that off a bus station toilet seat once..Zing. OK, I really have nothing here.)

SmackDown Rebound: Isn't it apropos that the best of SmackDown is only about 60 seconds long?

Backstage, Todd Grisham (who lacks the plastic M.I.L.F goodness that only Terri could bring to the table) interviews Christian, Trish and Tyson Tomko, who apparently slept on a newspaper last night. Christian says he's going to win tonight's match and he'll be getting a shot at the Title next week.

Trish then breaks away from the bunch and joins Lita, before scaring the shit out of her by claiming Kane was right behind her. Heh-heh. One question though, ladies: If a guy you worked with kidnapped you and tied you up in a boiler room, wouldn't you maybe quit that job?

In the ring Matt Hardy is awaiting Val Venis when we see him mauled by Kane, who tells Lita she has one week to accept his proposal. Maybe he needs a Dental Hygienist? I can just see it: "Kane & Lita: Changing the World, one smile at a time."

Eugene Vs. Rob Conway; Crowd support for Eugene was HUGE tonight and rightfully so. How can you not get behind this guy?. Eugene holds his own quite well countering everything Conway throws his way. Great heat spot when Rob decides to end the technical stuff and mows Eugene down with a clothesline. Eugene rallies and hits a top-rope axe handle and a leg drop before running to the ropes as Regal grabs his foot. Thankfully though, Eugene is able to counter a charging Conway into the old Backlund-bridge for the big win. Very entertaining stuff.

We get a video package on Chris Benoit who's probably watching Raw tonight from his home in "Atlanta, Alberta, Canada". WWE is the master of these tribute pieces, and that's why TNA will never catch up with them.

Eric Bischoff announces a 20 man Battle Royal for next week where the winner faces Benoit for the title at Bad Blood.

Y2J Vs. Christian; Steel Cage match; Great match as usual from these two. One awesome spot saw Jericho climb to the top of the cage and crush Xtian with a huge crossbody block. Jericho looks to escape the cage but Tyson Tomko "kicks" him back inside, well he actually totally botched the kick as I think to myself that maybe "Tomko" must be Native-American for "Nathan Jones".

Tyson is ejected from ringside, and we get back to business. Christian does some great color off a huge backbody drop into the cage as Jericho gets another crazy high-spot when he beels Christian off the top rope with a huge under-hook suplex. Trish then comes into the cage but gets placed in the Wall's of Jericho. Christian in the interim tries to climb out but gets pulled back in. Jericho then finally gets the Walls on Christian who tries to crawl out of the cage but gets pulled in and taps out.

Another Excellent Raw. I can't really complain (Well, I try..but it's hard when it's good) Thumbs up.

Highlight: The Cage match was great, but I have special place in my heart for Eugene. It's too bad Lance Storm couldn't portray a retard, because Eugene just may be the one to finally get scientific wrestling "over".

Lowlight: The Kane/Matt Hardy/Lita storyline. It might work if it was anyone but Lita, who at this point is fast approaching Linda McMahon levels of acting brilliance.

Raw Report: (05/17/04)

Hello Y'all and welcome back to The Raw Rant. A reader of mine named Steve Korman asked via email, "Why don't you write the SmackDown Reports anymore? Answer: Because you touch yourself at night.

Onto the show!

Lita Vs. Trish Stratus; Lita is wearing pants that look like Pepto Bismal tonight, which is apropos considering how queasy her theme song makes me. Not the car wreck you'd expect from a match featuring Lita, as Trish worked extra hard and Lita kept her "Lucha-styled offense" to a bare minimum. Trish varies her offense though, as she utilizes a few different "rear naked chokes" in this match. Gee, that's funny, I seem to always get arrested when I do that, although maybe it's because I take it literally.... Anyway, Lita looks to have things sewn up when Kane's face appears on the Titan Tron. He demands Lita's answer to his "question", and Trish gets the school-girl roll-up for the win because of the distraction.

Randy Orton comes out and puts himself over. He then puts over Triple H as is mandatory in a Stephanie McMahon written promo. Thankfully, Orton stopped short at reading aloud "and he's the bestest boyfriend in the whole wide world too!". Shelton Benjamin then interrupts and demands a shot at Randy's IC Title. Orton refuses though, because "Shelton's kind are too uppity" and he doesn't want to "soil the title". Huh, it's hard to believe that in this day and age, there's still prejudice against amateur wrestlers.....

We see William Regal and Eugene backstage, when Eric Bischoff approaches. Eric is wearing his "smart" black-rimmed glasses tonight that kind of make him look like one of those cerebral lesbians you see in the movies. You know, really witty and sardonic, while having no use for men whatsoever, yet, they have to use an object shaped like a PENIS to have sex. Sweet Irony!.....ANYHOO. Eric tells Regal that Eugene will have an interview segment tonight, and get embarrassed, so much so that he'll never want to wrestle again.

Kane Vs. Val Venis; Welcome to "squashville" Val, population: YOU. Choke slam, splat, over. You do have to laugh at the absurd irony of a porn star losing to someone who resembles a giant penis though. And with that in mind, I'm surprised that with Val apparently packing a rolled-up poster tube "down there", and with Patterson on the booking committee, that he wouldn't be getting a better push. That's like showing up to Stephanie's office with a hamburger for a head.

After the match, Matt Hardy rushes the ring and attacks Kane. However, BRM gets hold of the chair that V1 brought into the ring and tries to choke him out with it. We then hear Lita shriek for Kane to stop and she finally answers "yes" to Kane's request. Let's hope for the sake of our ear drums that Kane's request was for Lita to never cut another promo again.

I mean, I'm not going to say Lita's voice is shrill, but my brother's head exploded scanners-style during her squeals, completely ruining my stylish cactus green sofa. Damn you, Lita. I still have 8 more payments on this thing! (For the record we never do find out what Lita really agreed to)

In another side note though, when they run out of ideas for Kane, he and Val could make a great Tag-team. The name? "Burning Penis" of course! And you could even have Gail Kim be their manager, cause it's usually Saigon prostitutes you catch that from. Her gimmick can be that she puts drugs in their opponents drinks, then steals their shit and leaves in the middle of the night. I should SO be writing this show!

Chris Benoit & Edge Vs. Batista & Randy Orton; World Tag team Titles at stake; Before we get to the match, Is it just me, or does Benoit have the longest ring introduction in WWE history? However it could be worse, Lillian could announce: "Born in Montreal, raised in Edmonton, trained in Calgary, now residing in Atlanta, has a summer home in Tuscany, but always wanted to move out west, but found the climate too dry and not good for his sinuses..well, you get the picture...Chris Benoit!"....

Anyway, I cannot say enough good things about this match, particularly the last five minutes, where I marked out more than I have in a long time. Also props have to be given to Batista who's probably the most improved wrestler on the roster. Although, Batista really needs to put a stop to those homoerotic poses during his intro, all is missing is a vibrant pair of white slacks and an satiny unbuttoned salmon colored shirt, and he'd be a perfect fit for Miami's swinging gay quarter. Also, Jerry Lawler isn't exactly doing Batista any favors in his lack of subtlety when it comes to Dave's physique, saying "look at this veins!", as I wonder to myself why they don't just get it over with and have Batista wear one of those signs you see homeless people wearing along the highway to the ring, only saying "Yes, I am on Steroids". Although, his tiny balls may be the more obvious sign, but really, who cares? Small potatoes make the steak look bigger.

Anyway, back to the match...

Benoit looks to finish Randy Orton with diving headbutt but Orton cleverly has the IC belt on him and places the belt in Benoit's way as Chris's head bounces off the belt. Benoit STILL kicks out though, to the shock and eventual applause of the crowd. Edge back in with a spear to Randy and Ric Flair (who was up on the apron) and he leaves to take out Batista on the floor, leaving only Benoit and Randy in the ring. Orton tries the RKO but Chris quickly counters into the crossface for the win! EXCELLENT MATCH.

Eugene comes down for his interview with Todd Grisham, who is kind of like a white Jonathan Coachman...Ok, correction, or MORE white Jonathan Coachman. Todd tries to start the interview by gets interrupted by the real Coach, who takes over. Jonathan Coachman berates Eugene making him feel terrible by telling him he's a "joke" and a laughing stock. Isn't that like the pot calling the kettle bla..err cocoa beige?...

Coach then tells Eugene to leave, who tearfully does until THE ROCK's music hits! Awesome unexpected surprise there. Rock turns the table's on Coach, and refers to him as a "popcorn fart" (I blame the cheap cinema butter myself) and tells Eugene he'll be his friend. Some funny interactions between Eugene and Rock follow where Eugene catches Rocky off guard and answers "Triple H" when Rock asks him who his favorite wrestler is. Garrison Cade (who is the Butter to Coach's popcorn... I swear he was melting under the lights) runs in and blindsides Rock, but Rocky rebounds and disposes of him. Eugene and Rock then double-team Coach and Eugene drops his version of the People's Elbow to finish the segment. Awesome stuff.

In a side note, Is it just me, or is Rock's tattoo eating him alive? By this time next year, Rocky should just be a pair of eyes floating to the ring....

20 Man err "18" Man Battle Royal for the number one contendership for the World Title. Featuring HHH and a lot of "other" guys.

Christian is apparently "injured" and thus will not compete. Also Matt is unable to compete as well thanks to the beating at the hands of Kane. Johnny Nitro hardly last 82 straight weeks, in fact he gets dumped first at under a minute. Steven Richards is next by Kane as well. Rosey is out next, and Hurricane is also tossed by The big red machine but Rosey does the S.H.I.T. thing and catches him and rolls him back in. At this point more no hopers are tossed like Maven, Cade, Val, La Rez & Rhyno. After Hurricane gets tossed, we're down to eight, with all of Evolution remaining, Y2J, Shelton Benjamin, Kane and Edge. Ric Flair gets pitched out by Jericho, but Y2J bites the dust from Kane. Kane then chokeslams EVERYONE in the ring, but Batista, who elbows out and hits a spinebuster that apparently KILLS Kane. I mean he was down for like 5 minutes straight! Let me get this straight, You can survive a burning dumpster, but a spinebuster finishes you off? Ah, I'm just being anal (not in the Patterson sense). Edge disposes of Batista, leaving H's, Orton, the unconscious body of Kane, Shelton and Edge..well for a second, he gets eliminated by Orton who ducks a charge. HHH & Randy double team Shelton, who keeps hanging on against all odds. Now that's some tenacity! But then again, you have to be in the shrimpin' business, sometimes those little fella's just don't want to jump in the boat!....all kidding aside, Shelton shocks Orton by eliminating him, but gets mauled by a recovered Kane. HHH then low blow's Kane, and tosses Shelton to finally get his "receipt". Triple H looks to have things in hand when HBK runs in and ELIMINATES HHH himself, in essence giving Kane the win by DEFAULT. OK that was a shitty finish. Looks like Kane will be going onto Bad Blood to face Benoit now, but this doesn't exactly give him great momentum.

A very good show filled with several real mark-out moments. Thumbs way up.

Highlight: The Rock. That's why this guy will always be the man. Can you see Hulk Hogan coming back in the 90's to give the rub to a mid card act? Rock's unselfishness added more appeal to the already "over" Eugene character. Bonus points also go to Benoit & Edge and Batista and Orton on an AWESOME match.

Lowlight: The finish of the Battle Royal. This is the World title we're talking about. Kane's not the type of character that needs "dumb luck". He should DOMINATE. There had to be a better way to put Kane over than to have someone else win the match for him.

Raw Report: (05/25/04)

Hey everyone, welcome back to the ol' Raw Rant. I'm Sean Carless and I'm a little drunk. Ok more than a little.... so, if things start to get a little incoherent, bear with me, and I promise to stop drinking the moment that rabbit from Donnie Darko shows up.....

Tonight's Raw comes to us from Rockford, Illinois, home of a lot of Polish and ...very little else. But now that's changed! Raw is here!

Triple H and Evolution are seen backstage with Eric Bischoff. Trips demands HBK be REINSTATED. And Bischoff obliges and makes the match....HHH Vs. HBK....for tonight Bad Blood, which goes over with the live crowd like a fart in church. You know, they really need to mute the crowd when announcements like this are made. I mean it's hard to really relay any sort of excitement when the crowd reacts as if you just took a dump in their lap. Live and learn boys, live and learn.

Edge Vs. Ric Flair; Since hearing about that Flight from Hell "incident", I'm still a little apprehensive about Slick Ric docking the robe. But then again, thanks to "gravity", would we even be able to tell if he was really naked anymore?Anyhoo. Good formulaic Ric Flair match that sees Edge go on most of the offense but Flair get his licks in. Flair gets the advantage and goes for the Flair flip but the signal cuts out. During the confusion, Ric Flair is replaced by a robot who finishes the match, while Randy secretly ushers the real Ric backstage via a special super-secret subterranean tunnel for repairs. OK I completely made that part up. But WHO KNOWS what might have happened during that dead air?....

Really close near fall as Edge seemingly catches Ric with a spear as he goes up to the top. That really should have been the finish right there, in my opinion. Randy Orton then interferes hot shotting Edge's neck across the rope, and Flair gets a nearfall off a roll-up that was thankfully void of Edge's disturbing purple thong. Shelton Benjamin then joins the party (pronounced Par-Tay) and takes out Randy allowing Edge to finish Naitch with a spear. Good opener.

Next we see Vince sitting in a room full of women. He announces the "$250,000" RAW Diva search, and claims you can sign up at WWE.com. And Ladies, for the record, that $250 Grand will come in handy to pay for a high priced lawyer when "the boys" drill a hole through your dressing room wall..... (ask Sable)

We see Matt Hardy at Lita's dressing room, when Todd Grisham asks about Kane's "question". Lita then shows up, and professes her love to Matt as the crowd boos in the background. And why, I don't know, it's not like their audience is 90% male and not interested in campy Soap Opera storylines...

Anyway, Lita tells Matt that she just has to get her stuff in the locker room before she and Matt paint the town. She is then startled by Kane who is waiting in the dressing room. She asks Kane if it's "over" and he says "yes" (hopefully they're talking about Bradshaw's push..) Anyway, once again, they don't bother revealing what the "question" was, and instead leave us hanging. In a side note, why was Lita startled by Kane hiding in her dressing room but not the CAMERA MAN that was already in there when she opened the door?

Outside we see Triple H and Batista. And strangely no one's shocked to see a oiled up muscleman (Batista) standing in the middle of a busy street in just BIKINI BRIEFS. This stuff might fly down at the "Bird Cage" in South Beach, but this is Illinois, damn it!

They then see presumably HBK pull up across the street and they pull him from the car and pulverize him-only it's really Steven Richards. Gotta love the WWE, the only place you can pull a man from his car, beat him half to death and get off scot free, but show up to the arena when you're "suspended" and spend a night in jail...

La Resistance Version Trois Vs. Rosey & The Hurricane. Huh, so Hurricane's sticking without the shirt, eh? I'm still having a little trouble suspending disbelief of him being a "super hero" when he looks more like he's spending the bulk of his time "standing for truth, justice, and the American Way"....on the set of an all ADAM porn movie. Also, JR announces that Grenier and Conway are Quebec sympathizers, and believe me, Quebec does need your sympathy...well, except Dave Gagnon, he's cool....

Anyway, not a bad little match, but they've wrestled like 20,000 consecutive times so it better be. Hurricane injures he knee during the bout, and Grenier actually knows what to do! Wow! When did he learn to wrestle? Of course, if I had the ever looming shadow of Pat Patterson always looking to plug me, I'd be a fast learner too. The end comes when Hurricane goes for the Shining Wizard but gets a straight right hand by Grenier and walks right into the feared and dreaded ROLL UP of Rob Conway. (note to WWE, there are other pinning combinations out there.)

We see HHH still outside when he's attacked by Michaels who gets all "Biblical" on his ass.

Next up we have the Highlight Reel with Chris Jericho and guest: Randy Orton. Jericho puts over Randy at first, then asks him if he's afraid of Shelton Benjamin. The two then get into a verbal battle with Orton calling Jericho a "Big Mouth" (~BURN!~) and Jericho responding by asking if Orton would call him a "poo-poo head" next. Only in the WWE can someone get "poo-poo head" and popcorn fart over. Orton then strikes Y2J, who retaliates with a running enziguiri. Batista then hits the ring and is followed by Shelton, and the shit is on.

Bischoff comes out and does the only logical thing: Makes a tag team match, NEXT.

Y2J & Shelton Benjamin Vs. Randy Orton & Batista; Another very good match here. In my humble opinion, Batista is the most improved wrestler in the business right now.

While the match is underway, Trish Stratus comes out to the commentators desk, and basically says nothing. Back in the ring, Batista is WORKING JERICHO's ARM! Damn, I thought I'd never see the day where old "Pseudo Sid" would use psychology, but that day is here, and I'm an idiot for ever doubting the big guy (OK, not really, but I am impressed). Lots of nearfalls, and all four look very sharp in there. Cool little spot sees Shelton try the Stinger splash but Batista catches him and spikes him with a spinebuster. Jericho then locks Orton in the Walls but Batista makes the save. Randy goes for the RKO On Y2J but he gets countered and thrown right into Shelton who finishes Orton clean with an exploder suplex into a modified powerslam. Very solid stuff.

After the match, Jericho is walking up the ramp, and is lured by Trish into an obvious trap. Please don't let it be Tomko,....please don't let it be Tomko,....please don't let it be Tomko...FUCK!! It's Tomko, accompanied by some very smart slacks and a bad ass attitude. Tyson Tomko then powerbombs Jericho through the announce table to start the feud that will set the summer on fire.

Kane comes out to announce that yes, he's still the number one contender. His life is a nightmare, but that will soon change when he wins the World Title apparently.

Am I the only one who sees the irony of Glen Jacobs working a program with someone with fucked up teeth? Anyhoo.

HBK is seen in Bischoff's dressing room. He wants to know that he has the match he requested for Bad Blood. Bischoff says yes, but HBK is then tackled by Triple H from behind, and the two brawl until being separated by officials.

Victoria Vs. Molly Holly; Apparently Victoria ran out of Rubles, cause she no longer has that Tatu song as her theme, instead replacing it with techno that kept making me long for the days of Alex Wright and his FANTASTIC arm-pit dance. Victoria also has changed her intro, disposing of the psychotic machinations, and replacing it with a very Nitro Girl-esque dance routine...if the Nitro Girls were suddenly struck with Parkinsons in mid-routine that is. This is a Non-title match by the way. Not a bad match, but both seemed a little off, and I'm just not into this Victoria Lita/Ivory Frankenstein monster hybrid she has now become. After a few near falls, Victoria finally finishes with the Widow's peak. Gail Kim then tries to blindside Victoria after the match, but eats a widow's peak as well.

Bischoff assembles the troops backstage, and demands they keep Trips & Michaels separated, or risk being FIRED, and considering most of who was standing there, let's hope they don't...Ah I kid. Even Palumbo needs a little love too.

Backstage, Eugene and William Regal are interviewed about their tag team match with Coach & Garrison Cade, when Johnny Nitro interrupts and tells Regal he can't compete because he hasn't been cleared yet. Eugene now has three minutes to find a new partner, and Regal wishes him luck. One question, If Regal wasn't cleared to wrestle all along, then why bother signing the match? Continuity, I miss you old friend.

Garrison Cade & Jonathan Coachman Vs. Eugene & CHRIS BENOIT. Benoit is announced as the mystery partner and blows the roof off the place. This tag team actually makes sense if you think about it, as at the bus station, the only people to usually talk to the retards are the guys with no teeth....OK, I'm Evil.

Cade does the bulk of the work in this match, and appears to really be emulating Ric Flair's basic "look". In fact, Garrison's probably one spin in the Industrial microwave from earning full "Nature Boy" status. Benoit pretty much destroys both Coach and Cade, and tags in Eugene, who is WAY over with the crowd. The end sees Benoit demolish Coach with the triple Germans, then hit the flying headbutt. He then tags Eugene and encourages him to go up for a headbutt of his own-which finishes the match. Very entertaining stuff.

HHH comes to the ring smartly wearing a black T-shirt (Black is "slimming") and calls out HBK, who of course comes out without hesitation and the two waste no time in brawling. The calvary runs in and tries to break things up, but 10-15 guys are NO MATCH FOR THE INTENSITY OF THE KLIQ. After several attempts, and with Evolution, and Benoit & Edge now joining the fray, they are finally separated long enough for Bischoff to announce that the two will face eachother at Bad Blood in a Hell in a Cell. Triple H seems apprehensive at the announcement but HBK is all smiles and good times, probably marking the first time in history a Christian has actually looked forward to "hell".

There's a show. That's a show. The end.

Another good Raw in a long line of good episodes. Thumbs up.

Highlight: Orton & Batista Vs.Jericho & Benjamin; Also bonus points to Eugene & Benoit as Eugene gets the rub from another top star.

Lowlight: Tyson Tomko. The powerbomb was impressive but Jericho deserves better than this. To my knowledge this marks the first time I can remember in a long time that someone has actually moved DOWN the ladder after winning a big feud.

Raw RaNtView (05/31/04) -by Sean Carless and Harry Simon;
 
Welcome to the first ever Sean Carless/Harry Simon collaboration: The RantView! Half Rant. Half Review. All Tasteless.
 
Since most people assume we're the same person anyway, we thought we'd try writing a combined report of Raw in OUR words.
 
As a note: Harry rates matches in a sliding scale of dead Von-Erichs, so if you're not familiar with said system, I suggest you brush up on it by clicking HERE
 
If you have any feedback, love, or best wishes, we can be contacted here. If you have criticism, or general assholedness, you can direct your venom to our complaint department which can be reached by clicking the red "X" in the top right of your screen. Enjoy! (or not).

We open with a heavy-handed Memorial Day tribute, voiced-over by Vince. Way to kill the mood, Billy Buzzkill. Vince lectures us that "freedom isn't free" amidst shots from 9/11. Why do I have a feeling that were going to see a tasteless La Resistance angle tonight? That said, I believe this is the first time in history that a wrestling program opened with shots of a graveyard that neither a) Hyped an Undertaker match, or b) Made reference to any actual WRESTLERS in the ground. What, I'm not supposed to talk about dead wrestlers on Memorial Day? I thought that was the whole point of M Day.

I also found it strange that WWE, after airing that opening propaganda piece would choose to hold a show dedicated to the troops in a province basically made up of people that their "best friend" France sent packing....

1) World Tag Title: Chris Benoit & Edge vs. La Resistance III (Conway & Grenier)

Opening match has Canadian heroes (or so they thought) E&B defending the World Tag Title against The Fabulous Rougeau Impersonators; La Resistance III. Mega pops for the champs; mixed reaction for the challengers, whom Lillian announced as "Quebec's own La Resistance." Well, I guess Canadian fans want to see Canadian wrestlers vs. Canadian wrestlers, even if one of them is an American-born Canadian-based French sympathizer, or whatever the hell Conway's gimmick is supposed to be this week. My gut tells me LR3 take the gold to free up E&B for singles action (isnt one of them the World champ or something?), plus Conway is due a reward for putting over Eugene in the most successful Raw debut since Y2J (seriously). The crowd is French-creaming for LR3 and E&B's offense is actually getting booed. Surreal and fun. This isn't quite Lesnar-Goldberg, but it's up there. I love it when fans hijack a match. Huge pop for Conway saving Grenier from the Crossface as we head to our first commercial.

I got a particular kick out of La Rez being announced as "Quebec's own" , as well, especially since they were kayfabed from France for the longest time, not to mention Conway who's been announced from Kentucky. Next week look for the return of Kamala who'll be announced as "Calgary's own Ugandan headhunter!"

And what exactly are these Quebecers "resisting" anyway? (well, besides Hygeine.) I kid. I dated a French girl once and I'm still very sore over it...

***Commercial break*** Worst commercial = The Unrated DVD of "Eurotrip" is coming soon. Dude, not even if those actresses were hot. Which they're not.

They're already chanting "We want Bret." Edge gets the hot tag and cleans house. The fans tinkle all over this. Edgester hits a nearfall with the missile dropkick, then mistakenly spears his own partner. LR3 give Edge their nice spinning suplex finisher, which JR refers to as "that tandem move." Grenier pins Edge, and the new champs get a standing O from their "hometown" crowd. Solid match elevated to "something special" by the white-hot crowd heat. (Kerry)

Wow, Grenier's a champion again?! Hey, it's nice to finally see that unlike the show Oz, being the victim of forced anal sex can actually pay-off!

Looks like it's gonna be Benoit vs. Edge for Vengeance in July, which I now understand is a Raw PPV due to Smackdown claiming the GAB. Christ, Raw is a hateful brand. Backlash, Bad Blood, Vengeance, Unforgiven, Armageddon. All Smackdown wants to do is Bash and party all the time.

Lackluster feature airs for HHH-HBK "Clique In A Cell" match.

Catch The Buzz, Feel The Bling. They really should have brought the Killer Bees back for this. Its the endorsement they were born to shill.

***Commercial break*** Worst commercial = The Anti-drug crap. Dude, you've already made your point. People on drugs marry ugly women, just like Eddie Guerrero did. I get it. Now leave me alone.

We're back, with one of those damn "Moments Ago" flashbacks I hate. I can remember what happened five minutes ago, you assholes. LR3 is now celebrating in the crowd. This would be a great moment if not for the fact that they're, um, you know, HEELS.

Tard Grisham interviews RKO. Apparently, his match with Benji tonight is non-title, but if Benji wins, he gets a title shot, which we know he's already getting at Bad Blood (spoiler alert). The key here is that these guys have to put on a good match in order to get people to pay for the rematch. The prospect of Benji winning the strap just ain't good enough. Oh yeah, and they're pushing the hell out of RKO as the longest-reigning IC champ of the last seven years, so there's a Bad Blood spoiler for you, as well.

More offbeat shenanigans with Regal and Bischoff Family. Eugene has his second match tonight, "against a friend." Eugene vs. Rock? I think not. Uncle Eric orders Coach to go to the ring and apologize to the Special One. BTW, doesnt Eugene's mother/Eric's sister watch this damn show? Shouldn't she have given EZ-E hell for basically trying to get her son maimed? Or is she "special" too? If every writer in this company didn't have Attention Deficit Disorder, these would be good questions.

I totally agree on the "Eric's Mother should be watching" situation. With the show you know, televeised, how could she miss it? Unless the Bischoffs are really an Amish family and thus need not frivelous things like a Television set. On second thought, nah, Eric couldn't be Amish, last time I checked, the god fearing people of Lancaster aren't exactly known for erecting "Gold Clubs".

***Commercial break*** Worst commercial = Taco Bell is apparently now selling a taco that knocks people off lawnmowers. This may not be the best marketing idea for TB's target audience. Think about it.

Time for Coach to eat crow. Eugene comes out to a huge pop. I can't believe how over this guy is. Gene is hysterical in imitating Rock and Benoit when Coach brings up their names. This guy is a shoo-in for this years "Darsow Award." Coach introduces someone who "wants to be Eugenes friend," who happens to be Kane. If Kane forcibly kisses him, Im out of here. Kane offers a hug, and Eugene reluctantly accepts, then gets excited when Kane doesn't chokeslam him. Damn, he really IS special. Even the McMahons get the goozle massage from the Big Red Machine. Coach blindsides Eugene, and Kane acts pissed. Eugene goes after Coach, during which Kane levels him with a surprise clothesline, not unlike the famous "Come on, Ricky, lets go" turn when Lex Luger turned heel on Rick Steamboat at Clash Of The Champions VII. Fortunately, this time out, JR isnt reduced to tears by the shocking betrayal. Coach LOLs at Eugene, who does the already-patented "Bad Hair Day sell." Looks like Coach vs. Eugene is on for Bad Blood. Ah well, the tard is hot, so they need non-valuable heels to feed to him. Coach certainly fits that bill.

***Commercial break*** Worst commercial = A lame local one for my digital cable service. Ummmmm, if I didnt already subscribe to cable, how the hell could I be watching this commercial?

That Hall Of Fame DVD looks good. I'll have to pick one up when they get marked down. I give it until August.

Bisch and Coach are laughing. Regal comes storming in and threatens to beat them both into kidney pie. So much for Regal doing the slow babyface turn. So much for the best angle in the company. So much for fan interest. Bisch books Eugene vs. Kane for tonight's main event. So we have the most over face in the fed vs. the guy who's challenging for the World Title on your next PPV. I smell something fishy. Speaking of which, it's time for a divas match!

2) Non-Title: Victoria vs. Jazz

Whoever changed Victorias theme music deserves some shower time with JBL. Then again, her dancing does soften the blow a little. Okay, maybe "soften" was a poor choice of words, but you know what I mean. Jazz looks worse than usual. I think I'd actually rather have sex with the transformer named Jazz before this beast. Why does she not wrestle with a mask? Thats what ugly luchadores do. Seriously. La Parka is one of the greatest performers in lucha history, but the guy is, as Dave Scherer once put it, FUG. LEE. Anyway, this isnt bad, but the fans still want Bret. Jazz does a NICE lift into the STF, but Lady Vic makes the ropes. This isn't bad, but the fans dont care. Me neither. Vic, God bless her, wakes up the fans by yelling "I cant hear you, Montreal!" Jazz then pops the crowd with a full-moon schoolgirl on Lady Vic. Sadly, the camera shot is off and we only see the side. Just for that, this match loses a full Von Erich. Vic then rolls up Jazz out of nowhere for the pin. Feh. Oh yeah, and Victoria vs. Kimbu is official for Bad Blood. (Chris)

I personally miss the Victoria of old. You know the one who'd lean in for a ringside kiss, then bite your son's nose off and spit it in your face, not this gyrating incarnation. All she needs now is to pour old Brutus Beefcake's body into that Booty man get-up, and we'll be all set.

***Commercial break*** Best commercial = Joe Schmo 2!! HELL YES! Now I guess Ill be keeping my cable after Sopranos wraps up this season.

Harry At Halftime = Okay, 55 minutes in and weve had TWO matches. The LR3 title win was fun to watch due to the surreal factor, but Vic-Jazz didn't follow the "longer, more realistic match." In other words, too much yakkin, not enough action. This Memorial Day stuff is a downer. Tribute, my ass. The show is in Montreal, and the damn day is technically over, anyway. RKO-Benji will now be politely asked to pull a show-saver out of their collective rectums.

3) Non-Title: Randy Orton (w/ Batista) vs. Shelton Benjamin. (If Benji wins, he gets a title shot that we all know hes getting at Bad Blood, anyway).

Speaking of crappy theme music, Benji's is right up there. In fact, I think it's the same theme as Victoria. But with no undulating Victoria to accompany it, his is even worse. Benji has a good gimmick going for him in that he can outwrestle anyone. Wow, what a cutting-edge concept. Benji owns RKO in the opening minutes, taunting him with that thumb-and-forefinger pose, which of course means "Honkys have small peckers." There's no such thing as cheap heat. Batista distracts the ref while RKO fiddles with the turnbuckle pad. Yeah, that's a lot more effective than say, kicking him in the happy sack repeatedly. The lads crack noggins and Orton gets a little trickle of blood. Batista jumps up and slams Benji into that lethal exposed turnbuckle ring while RKO distracts the ref. Benji pops the shoulder for a nearfall to no heat. Neither of these guys are Canadian or hot chicks, so the crowd could give a shit.

***Commercial break*** Worst commercial = That damn Milky Way commercial where the blond takes off her shoes and slides to the "Milky Way" vending machine. "Pleasure you can't measure?" Whatever you say, guys. BTW, how the hell is that not a Val Venis catchphrase yet?

Apparently, Batista has been abusing Benji throughout the match. BTW, counting last week when Benji beat RKO in a tag match, Benji now holds wins over every Evolution member except Batista. In other words, theres gonna be a Benji-Batista feud one of these days. Just accept it. The ref finally ejects Batista from ringside. The crowd amuses themselves with the "Na na na na, hey hey, goodbye" chant. I hate that chant. At least it was creative when WCCW fans sang "Hit The Road, Jack" to Cactus Jack upon Cacti dropping a loser-leaves match to Eric Embry back in the 80s. I digress. Benji out-punches RKO and does his best to fire up this crowd of Montreal Eskimos. RKO goes for the monkey flip, but Benji lands on his feet. That was impressive. Remember that stretch in 2001 when everyone was breaking their elbows and knees by taking the monkey flip wrong? RKO does the Steamboat flying bodypress, but Benji rolls through for a nearfall. I'll be damned, the crowd is finally into it. Benji gets another nearfall with a backslide, so RKO hits the thumb to the eye and takes a powder, teasing a countout. RKO sucker-punches Benji and throws him back in the ring. RKO does that great cocky facial, but Benji surprises him out of nowhere with that sweet uranage/exploder/powerslam thing they haven't named yet for the clean pin. Good match, and the rematch at Bad Blood should be even better. (David)

***Commercial break*** Worst commercial = They're all tied this time.

They show softcore pics from "Diva Search" hopefuls. Tard Grisham asks Stacy what it takes to be a diva. I hope he's not asking because he plans to enter. Anyway Stacy does that Stacy interview where she says nothing, but knows its not important because she looks good. She talks about Divas traveling the world, going on photo shoots, etc. She somehow left out the whole "not eating" thing. Maybe next week.

I personally found the Vince McMahon "Diva Search" vignette last week hilarious. Where else but WWE can you stand in a room with 30 prostitutes, have a briefcase full of money, and not get arrested? Huzzah for Vince. Snoop Dogg's got nothing on him.

Time for this weeks dose of HHH. He tells us that HBK isn't in the arena tonight. Hey, Shawn is co-main-eventing their next PPV. Why the hell wouldn't they book a top babyface for tonight's show in Montreal. Ohhhhhhhhhh. THAT'S why. Credit where its due, Guilty Hunter cuts a good gravelly promo, capped off with "Shawn Michaels, I'll see you in HELLLLLLLLLLLLL!" 

It's funny to see that WWE has finally learned their lesson when it comes to HBK in Canada. They'll never forgive him. Us Canadians are strange like that. It'd be like sending Hitler over to Israel and saying, Hey, I'm really a nice guy once you get to know me...hey, what are you doing with that club...blarrrr.... Ok , I got lost in the moment.

To close: God forgives Michaels. Canada doesn't.

JR & King preview Bad Blood. So far, it's Benoit vs. Kane for the World Title, Victoria vs. Gail Kim for the Women's Title, RKO vs. Benji for the IC Title, and HHH vs. HBK in the Clique In A Cell match. I also expect Eugene vs. Coach, Jericho vs. Tomko, and some Tag Title defense by LR3 (probably against Hurricane & Rosey, seeing as how they're the only other team in the damn company).

***Commercial break*** Worst commercial = Old people shilling Boost Mobile phones. Show me one person on this planet over 70 who knows how to use a cell phone. This commercial is more unrealistic than the one where HHH commands a swarm of bees.

That's a damn good point. The elderly fear technology like the suburbanites fear Mexicans. Don't believe us? Just ask your grandfather to tape something for you on his VCR sometime, then watch the magic happen.

Bisch orders Johnny Nitro to fetch Eugene. Disappointingly, Mr. Nitro does not give away the results of tonight's Raw. Hell, it would make MY job easier.

4) Matt Hardy, Version 1 (w/ Lita) vs. Garrison Cade

Holy crap, The Hardy Boyz are back together! Wait, that's Lita, not Jeff. I guess the implication is that now that Matt and Lita have reconciled, Matt isn't a jobber anymore. Like she's his urn or something. The crowd still wants Bret. Lita gets huge brownie points for pretending that shes leading the crowd in cheering for MHV1. Bret...Matt...they do sound kinda similar. Sorta. Matt hits the side effect, which JR and King don't call. They really suck tonight. They didn't call the finishers for LR3 or Benjamin, either. Anyway, Matt WINS (!) with the twist of fate. Matt wins! Matt wins! Matt wins! Hopefully, the IWC will shut up now. (Mike)

I was personally a little put off by Matt's increasingly pussy-whipped 'Matt Facts'. "Matt's life is better now that Lita's in it". What's this shit? I'm surprised the Matt Fact didn't also say "Canadian customs wouldn't let Matt transport his testicles over the border".

Time for the Smackdown Regurgitation (5/27/04). Our big incentives to watch this Thursday are to find out which stip JBL wants for his GAB rematch with Eddie (bullrope match), and to watch UT squash Booker again.

The bull rope match makes total sense to me. If you think about it, Bradshaw would HAVE to be good with a bull-rope, I mean, how else would he restrain those rookies backstage?

Uncle Eric spends some quality time with Eugene. Bisch confesses to setting up Eugene with the Kane thing. Bisch says it was tough love and Eugene doesn't belong "here." This ain't exactly Tony and Uncle Junior. Bisch invites Eugene to prove that he belongs, then asks for a hug, which Eugy reluctantly gives. Creepy. Bisch gives a weird facial, like he's having second thoughts about allowing his retarded nephew to get maimed. What the hell kind of heel is he? Ole Anderson is right, everything about wrestling these days just plain sucks. He still doesn't belong in the Wrestling Observer Hall Of Fame, though. Up yours, Ole! HAW HAW HAW! Anyway, I guess now Eric will be doing the slow-burning babyface turn as Eugene's wholesome retarded goodness melts the crusty hair gel from his heart. Wasn't that Regal's gig? It's just like back in 1996 when Eric totally usurped Ted DiBiase as manager of the NWO...then paid DiBiase for several years, anyway. Um, are we sure EUGENE is really the retarded branch in the Bischoff family tree?

***Commercial break*** Worst commercial = That disturbing Burger King commercial where a hot office chick takes a bite out of a guy's chicken sandwich, prompting another guy to point out "Its like you two made out." Coldsores. Have it your way.

Time for the Highlight Reel, but Jericho is still selling last weeks powerbomb through the table, so Trish and Tyson Tomko come out as guest hosts. Trish is beyond great, claiming she has a frog in her throat, then slurring the crowd. Now THAT'S a woman!! Tomko seems torn between doing the "constipated Sid" facials and smiling at Trish's jokes. I personally think that they should give him an Indian gimmick and start calling him "Tatomko." Actually, no I don't. I'm just phoning it in at this point. Trish even mocks JR better than Ed Ferrara ever did, though she disappointingly didn't mock his Bell's Palsy. Jericho's pyro hits and he gets into a knuckleduster with Tomko. He loses. Tomko presses Y2J and drops him rather rudely on the "Highlight" set chairs. Trish sits on said chair daintily while Tomko chokes out Jericho with said chair. So much for selling stretcher jobs. Yet Christian is still selling the cage match beating. No wonder Trish picked the CLB. Chicks dig continuity. That said, this was a good angle, and a great build to the probable Jericho-Tomko match at Bad Blood.

Personally I'd rather the build consist of Jericho lulling Tomko into a space pod backstage, then slamming the door on him when he falls for the "ruse", and then finally ejecting him into deep space, never to be heard from again... But if you gotta build a match between these two, I guess this was the best way to go about it.

Kane silently glares at the camera as we go to commercial. Adam Bomb wants his right contact lens back. I kid, I kid. Maybe The BRM is just trying to teach Tomko how you can be a monster, yet still mug for the camera.

If you ask me, Adam Bomb has a RIGHT to be bitter at Kane. I mean he was the originator of the creepy dead eye gimmick (if you don't count Sammy Davis Jr. that is)

I can just picture Adam now: "Fire? Schmire! I got BLOWN UP BY A FUCKING A-BOMB! Beat that mother fucker!"...

***Commercial break*** Worst commercial = Beats me, I left the room. I'll just assume that they all sucked.

Meh, commercials here are all the same. At least you get beer ads. All we get is "interesting" little vignettes on Canadian history, like how Canada is really an Indian word for "Village" and how they have 500 words for shoes, but no word for "hard day's work".... I kid.

5) Kane vs. Eugene.

This is a great little story with the crowd totally behind Eugene as the sympathetic babyface. Eugene surprises Kane with a pair of rollups for a pair of nearfalls. Kane goes cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and proceeds to decimate Your Special Olympic Hero. Eugene goes for a sledge off the top, but Kane meets him with a sloppy clothesline that seemed to land a bit stiff. Kane tries to pin Eugy, but Gene keeps kicking out. The arena ROCKS with a "Lets Go Eugene" chant. I still can't believe that this sure-fire WrestleCrap gimmick became the most over face in the company. That said, I still burned off his debut stuff for a future "This Is WrestleCrap" video. Hey, I have tapes to fill before DVD recorders make them totally obsolete. Blow me. Eugene finally starts to slug it out with Kane and the crowd goes nuts as the BRM covers up. Kane brings a chair into the ring and shoves down the ref. Eugene DDT's Kane on said chair and the bell rings. Kane was DQed for "starting it," I guess. Eugene is still undefeated, and given the position of both guys on the roster, this was the perfect finish, in all seriousness. Anyway, this makes Kane almost as angry as Angry Mike Tenay, and he teases giving Eugene a tombstone on the chair. Benoit's music hits for the save and the place pops, despite cheering his Tag Title loss earlier in the show. Benoit goes for the Crossface, but Kane bails. The Crippler then raises Eugenes hand to end the show. Wouldn't you know it, with 13 days left before the PPV, we finally get some interaction between the guys wrestling for the World Title on the damn thing. Kane-Eugene wasn't a technical masterpiece, but it was everything it should have been for a TV match and the heat was tremendous. (David)

Kane made the mortal mistake in my estimation of ramming Eugene's head into the buckle. If he had read his wrestling history he'd know that you can't hurt a Samoan, a black's, or a retard's head in that manner. It's just the gimmick. With that in mind, if The Rock was only retarded too, he'd be invincible! Just think, he'd probably be able to crack diamonds with that thing!

Final Thoughts:

No Earl Hebner. No Shawn Michaels. No Vince McMahon. No Survivor Series 97 tomfoolery. I'm both inspired and disappointed by that, which pretty much sums up my feelings on the show as a whole, by the way. Those wacky Montreal fans and their unpredictable reactions made for a fun break from the norm. JR & King get worse every week.

I agree, kind of a throw away show tonight, and it'll be interesting to see how they follow up La Rez next week when they're "EVIL AMERICAN-HATING SCUM" again. Only in Montreal can these two get over as babyfaces. And a "Let's go Sylvan" chant to boot? Normally it's "Please go, Sylvan"... Actually, I'm just being a dick.