RAW RANT ARCHIVE (April 2004)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
RAW RANT ARCHIVE (April 2004)
|
|
||
|
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|||||
|
|
||||
|
|||||
|
||||||||||||
|
|
RAW RANT ARCHIVE
(April 2004) |
|
|
||||||||
|
||||||||||||
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||
|
|
Raw Report: (04/05/04) Triple H opens the show with an interview. He passes off his loss last week to Shelton Benjamin as a "fluke". He
then goes on about the Triple threat rematch with Benoit and HBK at Backlash. Shelton interrupts and challenges Triple H to
a rematch tonight which Trips reluctantly agrees to. Good presence by Shelton here. I wonder how Charlie Haas feels seeing
someone he was on par with leap-frog his "spot" so much. If only Haas spelled his last name " H-O-S-S", cause if he did, he'd
no doubt be the one getting the push here..... Chris Benoit Vs. Rob Conway; Since when were La Resistance billed as being from Quebec now? Well, this gimmick
doesn't make any sense anymore, because the only "resistance" in Quebec is the urge to use deodorant. Johnny Nitro comes out
to referee the match (coming to the ring to the WCW Nitro theme~!). Nitro informs Benoit that if he assaults him, he faces
being stripped of the Title. So let's get this straight, Conway's from Canada and Benoit's from Atlanta? I wonder if these
two ever get the urge to just switch passports and be done with it. Anyway, good little match here. Nitro gets accidentally
bumped by Conway's foot as Benoit delivered a snap suplex, Grenier then slips into the ring and he and Conway deliver a cool
double team finish to Chris and motion a new referee down. (one question, if Grenier signals for a new referee to come down,
wouldn't that mean that the Referee would be watching a monitor and SEE the ILLEGAL double-team and DQ Conway?....my head
hurts.) In any event, Benoit kicks out at two and surprises Conway off an Irish whip with the crossface for the win. William Regal returns and his first assignment is to manage Eric's "nephew" Eugene (who for the record is supposed
to be a variation of the "Warren" character from Something About Mary). Oh well, at least Regal works really well as the comic
straight man to an over the top character (see his great stuff with Tajiri in 2001) Chris Jericho Vs. Matt Hardy; Matt Fact: "I wonder if Jeff needs a drummer...". Poor Matt. He's been on Job Squad
since his jump to Raw, while bloated meatballs like Jindrak get big pushes. Jericho is announced as being from NEW YORK now
for the record. Well, at least there isn't a PPV coming from Canada anytime soon...... Very good match here as despite being buried deeper than the body of Jimmy Hoffa, Hardy continues to work very
hard. Trish Stratus & Christian sit in an easy chair on the ramp (Where the fuck did they get that from?) Anyway, before
Trish & Christian can set up the matching sensible Ikea coffee table, Jericho catches Matt with the Walls for the submission. Backstage, Mick Foley cuts a very intense promo on his hardcore roots. Extremely awesome classic Cactus here, as
he sells the fact that he's done barbaric things to many opponents, all of which he basically had nothing against- unlike
Orton. Cactus then pulls a barb-wire wrapped baseball bat out of a gift box and calls it "Barbie". Given the "hardcore" theme,
I'd seriously mark out if Barbie was joined by Ken...(Do stick). Mick closes the interview by saying that he's going to love
mutilating Randy at Backlash, then snaps and destroys everything in the room with the bat. AWESOME stuff. They show Orton's reaction to the interview and Flair tries to give him a pep talk. A fully clothed Ric Flair (Thank God) is in the ring and grabs the mic from Lillian Garcia and announces that he's
the Ring announcer, Batista is time keeper, and Orton is "trainer" or "there were no other jobs left so we made one up". This
leads us to: HHH Vs. Shelton Benjamin; A little bit different dynamic this time as Shelton has to fight all the odds opposed
to just winning one on one.. Triple H understandably dominates given how much outside interference there was. Benjamin eventually
rallies and hits a stinger splash in the corner that knocks Trips to the floor. Out there, Shelton counters a Pedigree attempt
and slingshots HHH into the post and rolls into the ring for the win by countout. This doesn't sit too well with Trips, so
he and Evolution destroy Shelton and bust him open. At least Shelton's push is not ending, given his TWO upset wins over The Game. However, if they try to sew a patch
that says "123" onto his tights, I'd get out while the getting is good. Women's Battle Royal: Featuring Molly, Trish, Stacy, Lita, Jazz, Nidia and the returning Gail Kim who is accompanied
by two new "friends" here. Why is it that every time a woman in the WWE disappears for a while she comes back with bigger
tits than she had before? Hmm, if only real life could be like that.... Speaking of Nidia and Gail Kim, it must be "fake hometown" night here because Nidia is now from Puerto Rico (do
they have trailer parks there?) and Gail from Korea...Ontario Canada.... We are spared the actual Battle Royal here as when we return from commercials it's just Lita and Trish. Jericho
comes down and distracts Trish long enough for Lita to drop kick her out to win this over the top rope err I mean "under the
top rope Battle royale". Lita will now go onto BackLash where she'll be rewarded with a Title shot despite stinking up the
joint more than a bag of dead hookers lately. William Regal finally meets Eugene who really hams it up here. Oh well, WWE has pretty much exploited the elderly,
midgets, and Lesbians, so why not retards now? However, if Hogan returns to TV to give Eugene a pair of "Magic slippers" ,
I'm seriously turning the channel. Tajiri Vs. Christian; The Coach joins JR & Lawler at Commentary and gets line of the night when he claims he
went to Lens crafters for his being blinded last week. Christian and Tajiri have a good albeit short match, that sees Coach
get involved and distract Tajiri leading to Christian hitting the Un-prettier for the win. Regal goes backstage to reem out Bischoff for saddling him with Eugene, when we learn that Eugene has wandered
out to JR & The King, which leads to Eugene emulating the Bushwhackers and licking Lawler's face. It could be worse, it
could Patterson he was emulating.... Kane Vs. Rhyno; Rhyno's push lasts one week as he gets killed by Kane in just over a minute. The only interesting
thing to happen here were the ropes breaking. Edge who apparently forgot to mail his royalty check off to Rob Zombie (He was
back to the old Edge theme) comes out and spears Kane, cause heaven knows, if Rhyno's spear doesn't work, then Edge's HAS
TO. Kane no sells and knocks Edge down. Kane goes to wedge a chair in the corner but there is no middle rope making for an
awkward moment. Anyway, Edge K.O.'s Kane with his cast...did I mention that Edge has a broken hand now? By this rate they'll
be wheeling Edge to the ring in one of those full body casts with the elevated foot by Backlash. Chris Benoit and HBK continue their bosom buddies routine backstage when HBK reminds Benoit that he's coming for
him at the PPV. Mick then joins the two as the try to go to the ring to be confronted by Bischoff, but, Johnny Nitro takes
"Barbie" away first. Foley, HBK & Benoit come out and get reemed out by Bischoff, who "punishes" them by making them team with Shelton
next week against all four members of Evolution. Triple H then comes out and signals for Evolution but there's a lull, which
is Rasslin' code for jumping the guys in the ring from behind. Triple H uses a sledgehammer on HBK to take him out. and Batista
& Orton decimate Foley on the floor, leaving Flair & Trips to double team Benoit. Triple H plants Chris Benoit with
a pedigree on a chair to close the show. Good show here tonight that established some rivalries and built nicely towards Backlash. Thumbs up. Highlight: Mick Foley; This guy is to promos what Benoit is to
wrestling. Totally awesome stuff that totally got me stoked for his match with Orton (I don't want Foley to lose, *sniffle*).
Bonus points go to Regal for returning and entertaining the Hell out of me. Lowlight: Kane & Edge; I feel sorry for Edge. His comeback
lately is about as inspiring as Gail Kim's tonight. For a guy they want to supposedly push to the moon, they certainly aren't
doing him any favors. And Kane, well, you had to feel sorry for him trying to wedge the chair between a non-existent turnbuckle.
Maybe they got the wrong guy to play "Eugene".... Raw Report: (04/12/04) Ok then... The show opens with Shelton Benjamin in Eric Bischoff's office. He complains basically about being attacked by
Evolution. Huh, being attacked by an angry group of whiteguys? You'd think since he was from the deep south anyway, that he'd
learn to see it coming... Johnny Nitro gets in Shelton's "Bidness" as Dusty Rhodes would say, and that drives Shelton to tell Nitro that
he'll use "Barbie" (Foleys barb-wire baseball bat) as an enema on him. Chris Benoit and HBK then come into the room all smiles
and good-times, along with Foley who retrieves "Barbie". Mick Foley comes to the ring and cuts a great promo on how "Mick Foley" may not want to hurt Randy badly, but "Cactus
Jack" does. Great stuff as usual from Mick. Kane Vs. Grand Master Sexay; Hey they rehired Brian Lawler! Kind of weird timing though bringing him back on the
heels of another Canadian tour. And they're surprisingly allowing Sexay to wear baggy pants too! Especially after his last
"border" incident. For those of you who don't know, let's just say while crossing the Canadian/U.S. border, he was hiding
balloons in sillier places than a children's birthday-party clown.... Anyhoo, Sexay looks to be in good condition here, but gets squashed regardless with a Kane choke-slam. Trish is being made-up by Jan the make-up lady (I guess with the last name " the make-up lady" you'd have no choice
but to go into cosmetics...). Eugene approaches and hilarity ensues when he calls her a slut. In a side note, I'd TOTALLY
mark-out if Eugene started wearing those vertical leap shoes that Kramer wore on Seinfeld when everyone thought he was handi-capped. Ric Flair asks Bischoff for a match with Benjamin at Backlash to which Eric agrees. Shelton then assaults Ric as
payback. In a side note, am I the only one who thinks Flair is starting to resemble "Doc" from Back To The Future? If this
is really the case, might I suggest jumping in the Delorian and heading back to the spring of 2002 and suggesting to your
alter-ego: "Heavy Slacks" Triple H is seen in a pre-taped promo on the Triple threat this Sunday. He refers to the Wrestlemania match as
the "best match of all time". Triple H then once again mentions the only "diamond in the business" line.. and then yells "And
Stephanie put it on my finger motherfuckers!! You'll never get rid of me now! Bwahahaha!" Ok I made that last part up. Highlight Reel with Chris Jericho. Y2J as usual tears Christian a new asshole (don't tell Patterson) with his wit
and Trish suffers much the same fate, only coupled with 2001 footage of her barking like dog for Vince. With all the controversy
surrounding of Eugene, it's good to go back to more tasteful times... Y2J is totally on here, and goes to bring out Lita, who despite being hot, once she opens her mouth it has the
same effect as popping about fifty valiums. But at least she has big tits. Did I say that out loud?.. However, before Lita
could "entertain" us with her verbal skills, "Trashy" Trish blind-sides her, and Bischoff instantly makes a match for the
after the break. Lita Vs. Trish Stratus; You know the Ric Flair analogy with the broomstick? Well, this would be just like that,
if you took out Flair and put another broom in there. Actually I'm being too critical, Trish REALLY tried, but at this stage
Lita was like that horse you try to ride that's uncooperative and dangerous who violently bucks you off nearly killing you
in the process. At one point, Lita attempts about the most telegraphed plancha (Or whatever Lucha-shit it's called)to the
floor I've ever seen, as Trish stands there for a good 25 seconds. The whole thing was awkward. Thankfully Trish starts bumping
like maniac and almost redeems this one. ALMOST. Christian comes to ringside (Jericho stayed in Lita's corner) and throw Lita
into the barricade drawing a DQ. Jericho attacks Christian and throws him out of the ring, then turns his attention to Trish and before he can apply
the Walls on her, Christian makes the save and beats Y2J down with two un-prettiers. Johnny Nitro comes out accompanied by a WCW-esque logo to go along with his WCW Nitro theme. He calls out Edge,
who apparently must not be on speaking terms with Rob Zombie anymore. You think you KNOW him?...Anyway, Edge ends up spearing
Johnny as a message to Bischoff who of course "wronged" Edge originally by doing...umm ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to him. Anyway, I finally figured out why HHH wanted Edge on Raw. Edge IS HHH! What the hell happened Adam? In any event,
if this carries on, We could see Edge wearing Stephanie like a Dust-buster vacuum bag by next year. Good sauce. Sylvain Greiner Vs. The Hurricane. Hurricane must of accidentally left his shirt on the nightstand back at the
Fortress of Solitude, because he's going bare-back here. Apparently, La Rez explained why they're from Quebec now earlier,
but thanks to the power brokers at TSN, we didn't get to see it. For those of you who didn't hear though, it's apparently
to be closer to America to make their lives miserable. Which of course leads to the question, WHY NOT JUST MOVE TO AMERICA
THEN? Surely that'd anger them more? Anyway. Apparently in between bouts of having his spirit broken by Patterson's man-love,
Sylvain finally learned how to wrestle and a decent match ensues. Eugene makes his way to the ring with a stuffed Easter Bunny
for Grenier, but Sylvain rips it's head off which hilariously induces one of the biggest heel reactions I've ever seen. (Maybe
Eugene can get over after all). Well, this distraction leads to Hurricane hitting "The Eye of the Hurricane" for the win,
and unfortunately sending Sylvain back to dressing room where Pat will be ready to hit the "Eye" of Grenier...three guesses
what color that "eye" is... HBK says his piece in his pre-recorded promo, but neglects to mention his discomfort on how "Hell Boy" tied "The
Passion of Christ" in the box-office this weekend... Benoit then says gets his two cents in while delivering his lines with the passion of the 1960's TV robot. Smoke
then starts billowing from his ears and he began maniacally yelling "Danger, Malfunction!" before plowing through the wall
leaving a Loony-tunes style body shaped hole in the wall.... I'm kidding. I love Benoit, seriously. Evolution (HHH, Orton, Batista & Flair) Vs. HBK, Benoit, Benjiman & Mick Foley. If HHH can call his group
Evolution, does that mean the Christian HBK can call his "Creation"? Anyway, I was a little uncomfortable seeing Ric coming
to the ring in his robe after what I've read lately. But thankfully, the patented "Slick dick" was safely housed in his monogrammed
trunks like a frightened sea-turtle. Very good psychology in this one, and even more bonus points go to the limited use of
Batista who plays it better as as the monster in short bursts. Eventually Shelton hits the stinger splash on Orton in the
corner and HBK hits an impossibly far flying elbow on Randy from there. Flair intercepts the chin-music instead, and a now-recovered
Orton hits an RKO on Michaels but only gets two when Benoit breaks it up with a top rope headbutt. By this point everyone
is brawling on the floor pretty much except Orton and Foley. Foley applies the mandible-claw on Randy but gets pulled out
of the ring. HBK then finishes Orton clean with a superkick. The show ends in a tight shot of Benoit, HBK and Triple H all staring each other down. I enjoyed this show. I personally don't think it was blow-away or anything, but it was at least a good hard-sell
for next Sunday's Backlash PPV. Highlight: Mick Foley; Mick stole this show. Between his opening
promo and the AWESOME video-package they showed, I'm really going to miss Mick when he's gone next week. Lowlight: Lita's lethargic performance. Lita wrestled tonight with
the same energy and enthusiasm in which I tackle a bag of funions while under certain influences. It's as if she's totally
apprehensive now to try anything, not to mention being sloppier in the ring than Michael J. Fox eating a meatball sub. I fear
for Victoria this Sunday. Raw Report: (04/19/04) Raw comes to us tonight from Calgary, land of the Harts and the only place
in the world where cowboys have to shovel their driveways in the winter. Before I go on, I'd like to wish my brother Luke a happy 25th Birthday. And
I think now you're old enough to know the truth. You were adopted. Sorry. Anyway, on with the show! Chris Jericho Vs. Christian; We actually open with an actual match and not
the 30 minute Triple H obligatory ego-fuck, which you should take as a sign that things really have changed. Lillian Garcia
during Jericho's entrance announces him from "WINNETOBA". Winnetoba? Wow, someone sure broke out the big Atlas of imaginary
places. However, for all you Geography nuts out there, for the record, Winnetoba is of course located between the provinces
of "Halberta" and "Blontario", so there you go. Very good opener as these two have always had great chemistry with one another.
Trish tries to get involved several times, but Jericho of course grabs her and puts her over his knee and spanks her. Turns
out women don't take too kindly to this. Jericho eventually looks to have things wrapped up when he catapulted Christian into
Trish, and tries to apply the walls of Jericho, when some jacked up guy with a shaved head kicks Jericho in the face, but
not before falling on his ass. (Maybe someone should burn his Nathan Jones tapes). Christian collects the easy pin, and the
three (bald guy, Christian & Trish) all leave together. Christian introduces the guy backstage as Travis Tomko and not the originally
proposed "Johnny Unmarketable". Well, at least he has a unique "look". The WWE's certainly never had a bald guy with a goatee
or someone with tattoos all over their bodies... Chris Benoit comes out to a standing ovation. He tells the crowd that he
gives credit to Stu Hart for molding him. The crowd chants Stu, who's not in attendance for some reason..just kidding. Anyway,
HBK interrupts the proceedings and challenges Benoit, one on one for tonight. Benoit agrees, but then Eric Bischoff comes
out and announces that the match WON'T be taking place here tonight in Calgary, but instead it will be in two weeks, because
Lord knows, it would be a really stupid idea to turn HBK heel in a town that hates him more than any other on the planet.... Victoria Vs. Molly; WWE Women's title at stake; Molly is still wearing the
wig, and you got to love the chin strap. Strangely enough, most people who wear wigs don't want to draw attention to it for
some reason... Anyway, very well worked Women's match as the blemish of Lita and her Rasslin' clown-shoes are slowly being
erased from my mind watching this. The finish sees Victoria go for a hair-mare but Molly's wig comes off. Molly is so horrified
that she just chokes Victoria out and doesn't break the hold thus drawing the DQ. Evolution arrives in a stretched limo. A Kane vignette is shown where he announces he's been acting "too human"
and will now return to being a monster. He then yells off camera, "Why did I allow them to unmask me?! Stupid! ..STUPID!!"
while slapping his forehead Homer Simpson style...OK, maybe not. Bottom line is that Kane will "sacrifice" someone right here
tonight. We then see Johnny Nitro and Bischoff in their office when Nitro mutters
"Sacrifice? that can't be good!" Obviously he just hasn't been to the right sacrifice. William Regal enters sans "Eugene"
informing Eric that they were playing a game of "hide and seek" (I wonder if Shelton Benjamin was in on that game to since
he was nowhere to be found all night) Eric gets angry, and orders Regal to locate Eugene immediately or Regal will
be forced to wrestle Kane. Randy Orton comes to the ring looking banged up. He cuts a Heel promo saying
that he's gone from "legend killer" to "Legend". The crowd then hilariously starts chanting his name slightly and he's flustered,
not knowing how to react looking as if he wanted to scream out: "Come on! I'm a Bad-guy! Boo me!..You're RUINING everything!"
Got to love Canada. Edge then comes out to slight apathy even though he's technically a Canadian. Wow, someone's been "juicing"
and it ain't Ron Popeel. Anyway, Edge gets in Randy's face and is all like "I don't like you" and
Randy is pretty non-responsive. Edge then spears Randy to avenge the sins of nothing whatsoever. Flair & Batista then
come out and beat down Edge. Benoit makes the save but Triple H arrives and destroys Chris with a pedigree. Eric Bischoff
comes out and announces that Edge and Benoit will team tonight to face Flair and Batista for the business casual Tag team
Championship. (Why do these straps even exist anymore? there's like two tag teams on the brand) "Nature Boy" Garrison Cade vs. Tajiri; Coachman introduces Cade then sits
at the commentary desk. Okayish match, with Cade at least avoiding melting under the hot lights. Cade handles Tajiri quite
handily and delves into his bag of generic Texas offense before finishing Tajiri with a huge elbow off the top. JR then speaks
of Cade's "unlimited" potential and I hope that by "unlimited" he means completely and totally limited. I mean, how can you
take a World Champion seriously named Garrison? You know the guys hopeless when JR has to try and tell you why you should
accept him as opposed to just taking to him naturally. Come on! what's wrong with Y'all? He's tall, he's from Texas! That's
all you need!...By Gawd. Eugene is out in the ring with the T-shirt gun. It's then that I wonder if
they'd actually have a publicity nightmare by having Kane come out and decimate a retarded person. Of course this is the same
company that had obese Samoans crush Lesbians and a skinhead red-neck chase a diminutive blackman around the arena on a fourwheeler,
so who knows. Anyway, it doesn't happen, but Regal comes to collect Eugene and takes a bottled T-shirt full force to the groin.
Poor Regal, he always seems to be subjected to these things. So, the moral of this story, kids? Don't do Drugs.(at least on
WWE's watch..) Lita & Val Venis Vs. Gail Kim & Matt Hardy; Oh Boy. Gail & Lita
in the same ring at the same time!? I think that may be the seventh sign, I'm not sure. Nice to see Gail still decked out
in her "Matrix" attire, although, if she was hanging with Neo and the gang, with her history of botched moves, the human resistance
would last about 5 minutes. Anyhoo, this match doesn't go down because Kane chooses this time for his sacrifice. Val Venis
gets destroyed with a chokeslam, and Kane looks to assault Lita, when Matt intervenes. So, let me get this straight, it's
OK for Matt to put his hands on his Ex, but not Kane? Maybe Austin's secretly booking this segment. Matt makes the save and
yells to Lita "run away!", but she instead chooses to baffle the big man with the unorthodox defense technique of just sitting
there and doing nothing... Needless to say, Matt gets annihilated. The WWE airs a slick promotion package for a new wrestler. They show WW2
footage of Japan and announce that "Hirohito" is coming. Hirohito? Next thing you know Heidenreich will be re-packaged as
"Hitler", or Nikita Koloff as "Stalin" and maybe have him as a free agent available to both sides.. But, for the record, I'd
mark out if after struggling in a feud with "Hirohito", that his opponent decides to just end the feud by bringing in Adam
Bomb.... Ric Flair & Batista Vs. Edge & Chris Benoit: World Tagteam Championship
at stake; First off, Jim Ross kicks continuity square in the balls when he claims Edge hasn't wrestled on Raw in 14 months.
I seem to remember a guy named Edge being Smackdown exclusive, but now that I think about it, this guy was only 230 lbs. so
I could be wrong.... In any event, you'd think JR would have more time to get his facts straight now that Johnny Ace has his
old job. Maybe they should just let Eugene commentate, I doubt anyone would notice the difference at this point. Anyway, very
good match as Benoit works the bulk of the match with Edge getting the hot tags. Benoit looks to have things won when he gets
Flair in a sharpshooter, then the crossface after that, but Batista prevents a submission on both accounts. After the break,
the heels are in control but the babyfaces rally and Edge blocks the Batista sit-out powerbomb by bopping him on the head
with his cast. Benoit then hits a huge diving headbutt. Triple H appears and pulls Benoit out and beats him down until HBK
makes a fleeting appearance to part Triple H's magnificently blown-dried coiffe with some "chin-music". Edge then hits the
spear on Batista to win the titles! The new Champions celebrate in the ring to close the show. Good Raw this week. Hot crowd as usual North of the border, and a good effort
all around by everyone. Highlight: The Main Event; Good solid Tagteam match. Also bonus points to Michaels and Benoit's interaction earlier. Lowlight:
Kane & Matt Hardy. This just doesn't make any sense. Why program the two most buried guys against one another? Besides,
The Hardy babyface turn should have been a little more drawn out in my opinion. But I'm just nit-picking. RAW Report: (04/26/04) TSN in their infinite wisdom decided to once again postpone Raw in favor of Hockey, in order to appease those individuals
in my country sitting in their living rooms with painted faces, while squeezing 3/4 of a bottle of maple syrup directly into
their mouths. Hey, it's not that I don't like Hockey, it's just that I prefer my sports to be more pre-determined, like wrestling...and
boxing... Lita & Victoria Vs. Gail Kim & Molly Holly; Lita opens the show and half the viewing audience drops dead
from epileptic seizures during her intro. It's good to see Gail Kim still representing "Korea" as apparently the two countries
have put their differences aside long enough and amalgamated for the sake of WWE hometown continuity. Some fat kid in the
front row refuses a Victoria "kiss" as his heart belongs to another...namely a big block of fudge. Moron. Anyway, is it just
me, or is this hyper-active quasi-Ivory version of Victoria not doing it for you anymore? Don't get me wrong, I'd still wear
her like the world's most disturbing puppet show, but there was a time (Not so long ago) when Victoria would have just bitten
that kid's ear off.... This match actually CLICKS, and even when Lita & Gail are in the ring, the sky doesn't open up and swallow
up the earth. Everyone is working hard, especially Lita, who has improved 400% in one week! Perhaps, Fit Finlay made her see
the error of her ways? I mean considering where he's from, I wouldn't put it past him to put a little "vehicular incentive"
under her car as motivation.... Anyhoo, Lita ends up picking up the win with the DDT, sending Gail Kim on a very long commute back to her imaginary
country... After the match, Kane makes his way to the ring, and corners Lita while JR spouts off like this was the most reprehensible
act in history. I find it extremely ironic that when this particular bald guy accosts a helpless woman Ross finds it deplorable.
Huh, maybe Kane should move to Texas.... Kane then sniffs Lita's head (I'm not kidding) and tries just about the most deliberate kiss I've ever seen, believe
me, I know, I've tried them all.... Lita does escape however. Backstage Lita runs into the arms of Matt Hardy, who tries to console her before Kane blind-sides him. Lita of
course "stands by her man"...by getting the fuck out of Dodge? Oh well, can't say I blame her. Apparently girls find it creepy
when you sniff their heads. And all this time I thought I was just doing it wrong.... In any event, maybe Lita should give Kane a chance. I think that given the right circumstances, he could be quite
romantic. Quiet funeral music by the fire, and dinner by candle light.. that he ignites himself with a simple flick of the
wrist. What woman wouldn't want that? Coach is in the ring bad-mouthing the crowd when Tajiri makes an appearance, and challenges him tonight, but Coach
refuses. Coach then makes some "Chinese food" jokes to a Japanese guy... However this still pisses Tajiri off so he whoops
his ass. Triple H makes his way out for no apparent reason and laughs at Coach but then low-blows Tajiri. HHH then cuts the
usual promo on how "he should be facing Benoit and not Michaels" before turning his attention back to Tajiri who this time
has the mist ready and sprays HHH in the face. HHH gets an 8/10 "Coachman" for his sell here. Funny stuff. After the break, HHH goes to Bischoff's office to demand a match with Tajiri but gives his plight to a potted plant
because he can't see. Rob Conway Vs. The Ghost of Rhyno; Eugene is on commentary. You know, it's funny, but when the retarded guy is
the only one to make a poignant wrestling comment, it might be time to get a new play by play team. This match is a simply
a backdrop to the shenanigans of Eugene, however, as he wanders around getting into stuff. Finally Eugene sets off the pyro
and this distracts Conway long enough for him to walk into a gore by Rhyno for the win. Backstage, Conway demands a match with Eugene and Johnny Nitro makes it for two weeks from tonight. I find it hilariously
ironic that Conway who looks a lot like Gary Senise as "Lt. Dan" from Forrest Gump, will also be saddled with a retarded person.
Maybe they'll go into the shrimping business together? Christian Vs. Grand Master Sexay; I'm surprised they're letting Brian Christopher still wear baggy pants after
his border "incident" a couple of years ago. Christian is accompanied by Trish and Tyson Tomko who'll for the record, will
be portraying tonight's "interchangeable tattooed OVW behemoth" this evening. Christopher gets some brief offense in, but
gets crotched by Christian after attempting the "Hip-hop drop". Sexay then eats an Unprettier as Christian goes over. After the match, Tomko kicks Sexay in the face-and manages to actually stay on his feet this time. Maybe they weighted
him down like those bobbing clown punching dolls? In any event, Y2J's music hits and Tomko is dispatched to get him, but if
wrestling has taught us anything, unless someone is "injured", a delayed ring entrance always means an out of the crowd blind-side
attack. Jericho does said attack and disposes of Christian giving him just enough time to briefly apply the walls on Trish. Tajiri Vs. HHH; You know Trips, if the mist hurt that bad, maybe you should actually wash it off your face. Anyway,
this was a very good match that was a throwback to the HHH Vs. TAKA Michanoku bout from 2000. Got to love this new Triple
H that does jobs and actually sells during his matches. When I see HHH now, I think of that scene at the end of "A Christmas
Carol" when the reformed Scrooge starts handing out turkeys to everyone and their brother. They tease that HHH might actually
LOSE again with lots of near-falls, although, I might be in the minority here, but Triple H shouldn't lose this match. Giving
someone the rub only means something if you have momentum. Anyway, the end comes when the ref gets bumped and Tajiri attempts
the mist again, only this time, HHH ducks and muscles him into a Pedigree for the win. Kane Vs. Matt Hardy; Kane maybe the Big Red Machine, but I'd be damned if Matt couldn't also use that nickname
looking like a boiled lobster this week. Boy, someone just had to try "Ludicrous speed" on their tanning bed?...This is pretty
much a squash for poor Version 1, who must be running on Windows 3.1, because he got nothing here. Kane choke-slams him three
times, then looks to execute the tombstone when Lita intervenes forcing a No-contest. Kane takes this opportunity to lay one
on Lita, although our TSN feed cut out as they were anticipating violence. Apparently it's OK to REALLY slash someone with
a hockey stick, but cartoon violence is TABOO. Anyway, I kept expecting Jeff Hardy and his fabulous poetry to make the run in here, but to no avail. Maybe his
N.A.M.B.L.A meeting ran late? Jerry Lawler is in the ring, and he pimps the Diva swimsuit magazine that has pictures of WOMEN wearing...well,
pretty much what they wrestle in actually. He then says he wishes there was some other way he could advertise it, and Stacey
Keibler comes out as if it was a clever segue or something.... Jerry tries to get Stacy to "perform" for Harley Race, who's at ringside, but he headbutts her unconscious as a
reflex action! Ah, not really, but I'd have laughed. Harley did love him his co-co butts. Randy Orton makes his way to the ring after hearing the term "legend" muttered, and ends up spitting in Harley's
face ala Mick Foley. The look on Harley's face was priceless, as he really conveyed that he wanted to KILL Orton. Randy then
calls Harley out, but Shelton Benjamin (just released the Nexus of The Universe) does the run-in and beats down Orton. Ric Flair & Batista Vs. Edge & Chris Benoit; World Tag team titles at stake; Finally WWE gets it's cake
and eats it too, by compromising on Benoit's intro as "Originally from Edmonton, but now residing in Atlanta", while throwing
up their hands and saying "fuck it!" as Edge is announced from Toronto, which would actually be "Korea" if you buy Gail Kim's
stats.... You've GOT TO love Ric Flair who although injured, and despite looking like he's spent the better part of six consecutive
weeks captive in an Indian smoke house, continues to consistently ENTERTAIN. Very good match ensues here and they actually give it close to a half hour to build. One stupid line from Lawler
sees him say about Batista : "Batista's vein's sticking out means he has zero body fat", I then picture Dr. Zahorian shaking
his head , yelling out "Ah, fuck off Lawler". Moments after the comment, Batista's skin explodes from his body, but thankfully
his skeleton is able to finish the match.... The ending sees Flair attempt to apply the figure four on Benoit, but the real legal-man, Edge, catches the Nature
Boy with a spear in mid leg spin, scoring the pin and retaining the titles. After the match, HHH runs in for the obligatory end of show Evolution beat-down, Shawn Michaels then runs in to
make the save but *accidentally* nails Benoit with a chair, then dumps Trips to the floor after he countered an attempted
pedigree into a back-body drop. Edge is pissed at HBK's lack of timing, but after Michaels pleads his case, Edge reluctantly
shakes his hand. Benoit, however, is NOT as forgiving and quickly applies a sharpshooter to HBK. Edge pleads with Benoit,
who finally releases the hold. The show fades out as Benoit looks intense and Michaels sells his back. Very good show this week, with quality wrestling and good drama. Thumbs up. Highlight: Triple H. I don't know what happened, but Triple H has
yet to do one selfish thing in the last few weeks, in addition to showing more "ass" in the ring lately, than your sleazy
15 year old sister. Lowlight: Lita's acting. This angle would make a little more sense
if it was a "girl next door" type like Stacy being pursued by Kane. I mean how could a woman who hangs out with Jeff Hardy
be repulsed by anything?... |
|
|
||||||||
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||
|
||||||||||||
|
|
| ||||||||||
