SMACKDOWN RANT ARCHIVE (March 2004)













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SMACKDOWN RANT ARCHIVE (March 2004)
















Smackdown Report: (03/04/04)

The Show opens with Brock Lesnar coming out to Stone Cold's theme music and driving his four wheeler. He comes into the ring and emulates all of Austin's mannerisms to a "T". No word on whether Lesnar felt compelled to beat his wife when he got home though...

Anyhoo, Brock gets on the stick and brags about what he's done to Steve Austin in the last few weeks, and blames Goldberg for losing the WWE Title, saying he's "bare naked" without the belt. With that said, there was a part of me that was a little apprehensive about Lesnar tearing off his warm-up pants for his next match....

Brock Lesnar Vs. Hardcore Holly; Has there ever been a faster plummet than that of Hardcore Holly? Not that I'm complaining though. You better believe Matt Capotelli would be laughing about this whole situation...if he wasn't being chased by a fully lathered Bradshaw in the locker room...

This match is significantly shorter than their Royal Rumble affair and Lesnar scores with the Browser Refresh out of no where for the pin. Brock celebrates the win with some beers ala Steve Austin, then "scoots" back to the dressing room.

Danny Basham Vs. Scotty 2 Hotty; The fact that people still pop for Scotty's dated schtick still amazes me to this day. Only Scotty could get a positive reaction to a moon-walk. Especially considering the bulk of the people cheering it on were still one of a billion swimmers in their Dad's swollen balls when that "dance" was, you know, popular? Not a bad little match though. Scotty looks to finish with the "Worm" when Doug Basham switches places with Danny and quickly rolls-up Scotty for the cheap win. Hey, another win with a roll up? I wonder if Mark Jindrak is mad that everyone is stealing his "Finisher".

Live from "Pittsburgh" and not a cleverly designed studio backstage *ahem* is Kurt Angle. Kurt tells us that Eddie's fan support, and their jeering of him, "hurt his feelings". Kurt says that he wouldn't change any of his actions, because it's his goal to make sure Eddie doesn't influence America's youth. For the record though, Eddie actually does have A LOT in common with Teenagers. He drives his car recklessly, likes to stupidly jump off high objects and has a lot of acne on his back. Just an observation.

Kurt is SO awesome as the moralistic psycho. This whole situation reminds me of Bret Hart in 1997. Great stuff. Although I could go without ever seeing that red turtleneck sweater again. It took all my will power to not keep yelling "Kool-aid!" at the screen.

Chavo Guerrero Vs. Funaki; I assume this not a Title match but I'm not entirely certain. They announce the 10 participants for the Cruiserweight Open and a dejected Paul London is heard tearfully yelling "but, but, I weigh 200 pounds!... All joking aside, How can be an "Open" if it's umm, I don't know, "Open" to every Cruiserweight on the roster? Sadly Vince's answer would be "Don't worry, it'll be so short you'll probably forget who WAS there to start with" -*cue maniacal laughter* ) Anyway, the match is decent and it doesn't take too long to realize how much potential Funaki really has. Chavo himself is playing the slimy "heel" to perfection as well. Chavo Sr. is on commentary and claims that this 10 Man match at Mania is a "Shenanigan". Testify my brother. Shenanigan, indeed. Funaki looks to have this thing won, but senior gets up on the apron allowing Chavo to hit a nasty looking rear-naked choke knee breaker combo for the win.

Paul Heyman comes to the ring and demands Eddie come out and issue a "public apology". Eddie reluctantly does than admits he was just "lying". Paul gets in Eddie's face and says that he ashamed of Eddie Guerrero and says that Eddie is the only "drug addict" to ever win the Title. Ya, and I guess that was just powdered sugar Shawn Michaels would eat off the stomach of a ring-rat?...Oh did I say that out loud? Moving on. Eddie laughs at Paul's intensity and says he could beat him with both hands tied behind his back. I smell a Wacky match-up!...and we get it. Tonight it will be Heyman Vs. Eddie in hand-cuffs.

Billy Kidman, Rey Mysterio & Ultimo Dragon Vs. Akio, Sakoda & Tajiri; It'll be interesting to see if Vince allows the Cruiserweights to really hustle at the PPV, or if they'll have to work all the rest-holds. Anyway, good match once it got going. The last minute saw a great influx of high spots including just about the craziest head scissors I've ever seen from Rey.

Dragon and Kidman take out Tajiri & Sakoda on the floor leaving Rey to connect a FANTASTIC tornado DDT on Akio, who does the Rob Van Dam "sell" (not to be confused with Rob's little *business* on the side). Good match all around, and it at least looks like Dragon is going to get his MSG wish after all, good for him.

Haas & Benjamin come out dressed as the APA only with Haas as Faarooq and Shelton as Bradshaw (although having a likeness of Orlando Jordan's "ass" sewn to his crotch might have been a little more realistic...) Benjamin and Haas are hilarious here, apparently channeling E & C.

Shelton gets the line of the night when he (as Bradshaw) says that he basically fucks sheep, saying "I can make love, AND knit a sweater at the same time!" SOLID GOLD from where I sit. The two then throw a shout out to the West Texas Rednecks and sing "APA is Crap", although Haas had as much rythymn as a Parkinson's hand-job, which of course added to the hilarity. Finally the real APA run in and attack the WGTT until the Bashams join in on the assault. Shelton then nails Bradshaw with a great Clothesline from Hell for good measure. Finally, Scotty & Rikishi make the save. I smell another Tagteam title "four-way" brewing.

John Cena Vs. A-Train; This was not a very good match at all, but since C-Note is so over, no one seemed to lose interest. The match kept going and going it seems until finally, John Cena hits an FU out of nowhere. Although the biggest FU is to us fans who have to continue to be subjected to Albert matches....

Big Show comes out in a pimping giant suit and asks Cena if he's really ready for their match at Wrestlemania. Show lists his MSG accomplishments but part of me was really hoping he'd say " Have you ever fallen 5 stories off Kobo Hall to your Death?...then came back to win the World Title two hours later? have ya? Huh? HUH?!"...Ok, I'm rambling.

Eddie Guerrero Vs. Paul Heyman; The Referee places the cuffs on Eddie and I'm no expert, but I'm guessing that they WEREN'T Ploice issue, you know with the 4 foot chain and all.

Police Cheif: "Gee, I just can't figure out how all these criminals keep escaping from the police cars..."

Anyway, Eddie dares Paul to hit him and Heyman does, but this just fires Eddie up, who then proceeds to boot-fuck Paul into oblivion. Paul then bails and Eddie, still hand-cuffed, follows suit. Kurt then appears on the ramp and Eddie's selling of shock was fantastic here. Kurt slowly stocks Eddie until he gets into the ring and takes him down several times. Eddie defiantly spits in Kurt's face, and this infuriates Angle to no end, so, he retrieves the WWE belt and violently clocks Eddie with it to end the show.

This weeks installment of Smackdown was very weak in the ring, but the skits and drama delivered so I think it deserves a thumbs up.

Highlight: Eddie Guerrero & Kurt Angle; Eddie's true appeal as Champion lies in the fact of how truly "human" his character is, which is a breath of fresh air from the invincible super heroes of the past. Who wouldn't want to cheer an underdog?

Lowlight: Bob Holly. Holly seems to be phoning it in lately. (too bad it wasn't a long-distance phone call, if you catch my drift).

 

Smackdown Report: (03/11/04)

The show opens with John Cena cutting a by-the-numbers rap on Big Show.

John Cena Vs. Rhyno; Rhyno will be playing the role of luckless jobber here. OKish match, but the crowd ate it up anyway because Cena is on fire these days. Rhyno gets little offense in, but does manage to peel of his Spinebuster (With no obligatory Arn Anderson reference this time..strange). In any event, usually a spinebuster is enough to get you a Main Event "push", but not Rhyno, who continues to been buried so deep, that he'll be probably taking his morning shit in Beijing tomorrow. Cena eventually hits his "five knuckle shuffle" fist drop, then finishes with an FU.

All the Smackdown "Talent" is shown going into Paul Heyman's locker room and oh ya, Hardcore Holly is there too.

Paul Heyman rallies the troops by citing that this is "their" Smackdown...and Austin is intruding. He then says that Austin is trying take food off their plates. But, in the case of Rikishi and Show, is that really a problem?

Stone Cold Steve Austin's pick-up truck is spotted in the parking lot. It's obviously his as I don't know too many people that would actually have a Confederate flag emblazoned on the side of their vehicle. Only Austin would think that putting that on his truck would be a good idea, but I guess this type of shit might fly down south, where said truck would likely contain various animal carcasses and random hog-tied minorities, but, I'm daring Steve to actually try and drive it this Sunday through "certain" neighborhoods...

Rey Mysterio Vs. Jamie Noble; The Chavos are on commentary here. Fast paced match that shmazzes when Tajiri, Akio & Sakoda interfere. Babyfaces Billy Kidman, Ultimo Dragon & Funaki come to Rey-Rey's aid though and this one channels ECW and segues into an eight man tag team match.

Rey Mysterio, Funaki, Billy Kidman & Ultimo Dragon Vs. Jamie Noble, Tajiri, Akio & Sakoda; Spotastic fun as they keep it at a good pace. It'll be interesting to see if they let the Cruiserweight Open go the spot-heavy route, or, if they'll kill the NYC crowd dead with rest holds.

Everyone clicks here, but the more I watch, the more I'm reminded how much Kidman needs a new look. They should let him retire the "gay pool-boy" look, and go back to his WCW image instead. Apparently, once upon a time, Steve Austin didn't want anyone to wear denim shorts but him and thus Kidman was "made-over". Oh Well, Austin is still around, so I guess the shorts are still out of the question. (I'd mention Kidman's wifebeater too but Ol' Steve probably has that one trademarked as well....I kid, Steve.)

The end here comes after everyone is on the floor but Noble and Rey, when Chavo Sr. gets up on the apron to try and distract the ref so Chavito can interfere. That backfires however as Noble collides with Chavo Jr. and Rey-Rey finishes with a standing West-Coast Pop.

Eddie Guerrero Vs. Shelton Benjamin; Eddie cuts a good promo on Kurt Angle prior to this match. Cole and Tazz subtly tease a possible Team Angle re-union that I personally think would RULE. Charlie Haas (who's in Shelton's corner) ends up getting ejected from ringside thus making it one on one. Good match here ensues and eventually the Referee gets bumped, so Shelton scoots out to retrieve the WWE Title, which ends up being about as good idea as wearing your "All You Need Is Cock" T-shirt to a feminist rally as Eddie dropkicks it into Benjamin's face. Haas tries to return but Eddie K.O's him with the belt too, then gives Shelton one more for good measure. As the Referee gets up, Eddie lays down to throw him off the cheating trail but soon "recovers" and hits the Frog-splash for the win.

Kurt Angle comes out sending a contrary message to Eddie as his eyes say "I'm going to kill you" but his styling powder blue golf shirt says: "Even though I'm intense, it doesn't mean I can't look fabulous".

Sable and Torrie are shown at a Playboy function. They go over how Stacy & Miss Jackie are "No Sable & Torrie"..Bleh. Am the only one who's wondering why in a feud that's supposed to determine who'd look better in Playboy, why they just don't get NAKED, rather than roll around in long dresses?

Paul Heyman runs into..Orlando Jordan(?!) and asks him to stand up for Smackdown Tonight (He does this same schtick with APA later) but Orlando says he respects Stone Cold, as obviously, Orlando didn't see Austin's "truck" earlier, or he'd likely be scouring the building, trying to confiscate anything that could be used as rope....

Big Show Vs. Two Jobbers; This is your standard squash match. Cool spot sees Big Show elevate one of the errrr.."enhancement" talents in a Cobra-clutch. Show then finishes the other jobber with a Chokeslam. Can't NO ONE tell me that Show isn't light years better than Andre ever was. I can't remember Andre ever breaking out any submission holds bar the bear hug. In fact Andre's entire offense consisted of him finding new and creative ways of dominating with his Ass. (a maneuver Pat Patterson too has mastered...)

Anyway, John Cena runs down and beats down Show. Uh-oh, If WWE's dumb-assed "Even Steven" booking comes into play here, then it looks likle Show will retain at WrestleMania. Let's hope that's not the case.

Scotty 2 Hotty & Rikishi Vs. The Bashams; I don't why they don't just re-tool the Bashams already. They collectively have less heat than an Eskimo hand-job.

Mediocre match ensues (but nothing too bad though). The Bashams continue to do the switcheroo spot even though they look nothing alike (bring back the Pulp Fiction "gimp" masks!) but unfortunately, Rikishi is too wise for this chicanery and just superkicks Doug (Who switched with Danny while Kish was preparing a stink-face) and gets the pin.

Paul Heyman and the Smackdown Superstars come out and Paul grabs the mike and ironically puts over Brock Lesnar as Smackdown's leader. Brock then comes out on Austin's ATV and calls Stone Cold out.

Austin comes out and all the SD talent line up, including Billy and... Chuck! Side by side again! See, even a reformed homosexual, with heavy ties to violent organized crime has it in his heart for reconciliation...What a beautiful moment.

Paul demands everyone attack Austin, but they instead step aside out of respect. Austin moves past everyone except Big Show who blocks his way, before ultimately stepping aside as well. Austin retrieves his four-wheeler but goes back to the ring and brawls with Brock. Austin posts him and Lesnar does some color. Brock breiefly gets the edge back in the ring and attempts an F5 but that's countered. Austin stuns Heyman then tries to stun Brock but he bails. Austin then celebrates with some beer to close the show.

Man, I can't wait until Brock wrestles Austin at WrestleMania....What do you mean he's NOT wrestling him?...Then why is..nevermind.

Decent but unspectacular showing tonight. So let me get this straight, the issue at WrestleMania is not GOLDBERG, but a stolen toy? Wow, I guess Lucy the Bulldog was unavailable.

Highlight: Eddie Guerrero. Steals the show EVERY TIME. Bonus points to the Cruiserweight tag as well.

Lowlight: The stupid Torrie Wilson & Sable interactions. If these two start going at each other's carpets on CAMERA, then, maybe I'll be interested.

 
SmackDown Report: (03/18/04) By Michael Melchor;
 
Before this goes anywhere, I'd like to give a special "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" to my pal (and Boss), Sean Carless. Congrats on both you and the site getting a year older. Now where's that royalty check you promised me? Just kidding. Hope the birthday went well - and we get to celebrate with a stellar (?!) edition of SmackDown before everything gets turned upside-down all over again.

With that in mind, time to start things off in my usual manner...

The views and opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the human race.

Well, SmackDown tonight is not coming off of one HELL of a show in WrestleMania XX. Do yourself a favor (if you haven't yet already) and go read Hyatte's Mop Up of the whole affair - and pay particular attention to his comments at the end of it. I can't do the thing any more justice than he already did.

No, the show wasn't perfect. It wasn't the "best WrestleMania ever", although I'd probably put it in the top 5 or even 3. But, top to bottom, WMXX was a terrific show. Some people (like Eric S) have legitimate gripes with the show, particularly some of the non-wrestling segments and the matches thrown together to fill up that much time. Understandable.

But then some are just plain negative about it with no reason than bitterness. Slam! Wrestling lived up to its name and completely shit all over the show for no real reason. I guess they're just anti-WWE ever since Vince did to one of their columnists what he did six years ago and some change in Montreal. I'm sorry you guys never got over that incident, but most of the rest of us enjoyed a damned good show regardless. Therefore, you are hereby cordially invited to stuff your mouths with tissue and kiss my ass. And that's a list of people that's growing on a daily basis lately.

And, on the heels of Raw, this apparently may be the last time we see a lot of these guys on SmackDown! We'll have to see how the cheap, easy reset-woops, the "Lottery Draft" plays out next Monday. At least I have some good material to run with for the second week in a row...now it's just a matter of if I do anything worthwhile with it.

Now then, it's time for the final episode of SmackDown! with the current roster...

SmackDown - 031804

Time once again for the Florida Gambler's Special:

Cash 3: 923

Play 4: 2330

Show opens with ring announcer Tony Chimel introducing the new US Champion John Cena, who's in his hometown of Boston tonight! En route to the ring, Cena shows off a fan's sign: "At WrestleMania We 'Cena' New Champ". Not bad. Cena talks about how he used to go to the Boston Gardens for the old stuff, then raps re: beating Big Show, Gay marriages and Michael Cole (Hah!), and the FCC.

And out comes Paul to interrupt with an announcement - he confirms that Brock Lesnar has left SmackDown and WWE (duh). John could be the new face of SmackDown, but it's up in the air as the SmackDown roster will be at Raw next week for the draft. Paul suggests they all pray they end up on Raw, because he'll make each of their ungrateful lives a living hell. He then hauls off and slaps Cena~! Bad move - Cena is on Paul like white on rice before Rhyno comes down to start the match!

John Cena vs. Rhyno - US Heavyweight Title Match Rhyno works over Cena before charging him in the corner and hitting a spinebuster for 2. Rhyno clubs and punches away, but Cena is back with elbows. Corner-whip-and-charge meets elbow, however, and Rhyno is back on the attack with stomps and clubs. Cena retaliates with a series of clotheslines before pumping up and hitting the 5 Knuckle Shuffle. An FU by Cena later and this one's over. Cena celebrates his successful defense in his hometown as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to replay of Moments Ago: Paul slaps Cena and Cena makes him regret it.

In The Back, Paul is beside himself when the APA approach to laugh their asses off at him. Paul takes offense to that and the fact they let Austin in the building last week. He tells Bradshaw and Simmons that if they don't win the Tag Team Titles tonight, then they're both fired~!

Rikishi & Scotty Go Potty vs. The APA - WWE Tag Team Titles

I've no idea who to root for now. Seriously. Rikishi and Bradshaw start off with a staredown before Bradshaw shoves and punches Rikishi. Irish whip and Rikishi blocks the big boot to get in a headbutt or 2. Rikishi chops Bradshaw in the corner and tags in Scotty, who continues with the chops in another corner. Corner-whip-and-charge by Bradshaw eats boot but he manages to land the Last Call on Scotty for 2. Tag to Simmons and Ron berats the hell out of Scotty before a backbreaker gets 2. Ron tells Sc otty to tag, but holds his leg and tags Bradshaw instead. Bradshaw goes for the ribs before getting Scotty up in the Human Torturerack! I'll be damned. Scotty wiggles out but takes the Big Boot for 2. Simmons tags in and gets the chinlock on Scotty before pounding his weight down on his back. Man, Ron is in heel mode tonight. Tag to Bradshaw who continues the punishment. Bradshaw places Scotty up top but Scotty is out with a tornado DDT. Scotty tags in Rikishi and it's LARDASS ON FIRE~! Rikishi clo theslines Bradshaw and Simmons a few times before Ron sends him to the corner. Scotty seizes his opportunity and gets the bulldog on Bradshaw but Ron stops the Worm (thank God) with a right hand. Bradshaw goes for the Clothesline From Hell on Rikishi and misses, enabling Rikishi to get the superkick and the 3-count. Holy shit. If I knew this stipulation was going to stick at all, I'd be partying myself. Nonetheless, Bradshaw and Simmons look shocked as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to In The Back, the APA go to see Paul. Bradshaw: "I got this! Let me do the talking!" That's a bad sign right there. They barge into Paul's office and Bradshaw dares him to say they're fired. Paul says he never promised to fire both of them - just Simmons. Aw come on, not the good one! Paul says Bradshaw has a book and is featured on Fox as a financial analyst, so the company needs him. Simmons implores Bradshaw to go, but Bradshaw isn't moving, torn as to what to do. Simmons looks dejected b efore giving his final (?) "Damn" and leaving.

Cole and Tazz talk about the quick fix reset-sorry, meant to say Lottery Draft before a clip of Vince making the announcement airs.

In the back, Paul walks in on Billy Gunn, Rey Mysterio, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas, still pissed about last week. He says that everything's up in the air after Monday, but tonight he can still play divide and conquer by making a gauntlet match with the winner facing Eddie Gurrero for the WWE Title tonight. Benjamin says he can't divide The World's Greatest Tag Team and Paul begs to differ by making Haas vs. Benjamin first before we go to:

Commercial.

Back to a video promo of WrestleMania with clips from the show. Surprisingly, Brock and Goldberg are included. Not surprisingly, they aren't show for very long.

Shelton Benjamin vs. Charlie Haas Both men shake hands to start. Collar-and-elbow tie-up and Haas with the snap mare before Benjamin gets a hammerlock on the mat. Haas with the reversal and some work on the arm before Benjamin reverses into a headscissors on the mat. Test of strength now before Benjamin goes back to the hammerlock but Haas answers with an arm wringer and an overhead wristlock. Benjamin taunts Haas and Haas chases him out of the ring. Now repeat the last four sentences, substitute the headscoissors with another hammerlo ck, add a couple more wrestling moves, keep the taunt and chase and you have what happened next. The crowd is shitting all over this one, and sad as it is to say I can't blame them. Haas clubs Benjamin and gets a back body drop before hitting a side suplex for 2. Forearms and a whip to the corner for Haas and Benjamin throws the superkick (our Move Of The Night!). Haas blocks and goes for the dragon screw, but Benjamin turns around with a leg lariat that almost decapitates Haas and gets the 3-count. Hu h. Haas and Benjamin hug afterward, taking us to:

Commercial.

Back to In The Back, Ron Simons is leaving as Bradshaw pleads with him. Bradshaw can't leave - he's a financial wizard! He's on Fox News! And who's gonna haze all the young'uns coming from OVW, for God's sake?! Simmons doesn't say a word and just leaves...

Waitaminute - you mean they're serious about this? DAMN~!

Back to the Gauntlet Match - winner meets Eddie Gurrero for the WWE Title TONIGHT!

Shelton Benjamin vs. Billy Gunn Benjamin jumps Gunn to start with punches and kicks in corner. Gunn fores out with rights bit the corner-whip-and-charge eats boot and Benjamin with the clothesline, sending Gunn outside. Benjamin follows and dishes out some more hurt before Gunn whips Benjamin into the ringside barricade and sends him back in. In the ring, Gunn gets a snap mare and a knee to the head for 2. Cole: "Only one title has eluded Billy Gunn, and that's the WWE Title." What about the US Title, Cole? Dummy. Benjamin gets a p owerslam for 2 before going to the crossface shots. Benjamin applies a chinlock and adds in the bodyscissors on the mat. With Brock gone I guess someone has to do it. Gunn is up with elbows but Benjamin gets in a back elbow for 2. Benjamin with the knee to the head and back to the chinlock but Gunn is up with the jawbreaker and the standing 10 is on! Both men are up at 7 and Gunn gets the tilt-a-whirl slam for 2. Gunn then nails Benjamin in the corner with the Stinger Splash (what the hell is this, WCW Tribute Night?) but misses the Fameasser. Benjamin rolls Billy up and grabs the ropes for the 3-count to advance-

And out comes the Big Show? Benjamin looks scared shitless as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to Big Show on the mic. He had his US Title stolen at WrestleMania XX by a Boston street punk (which, of course, the crowd just LOVES to hear). He just came out of Paul's office and the 2 had a heart-to-heart and they kissed and made up and everything, so Paul put Big Show in the Gauntlet match. Show promises to beat Eddie tonight and then inexplicably leaves, taking us to:

Commercial.

Back to Shelton Benjamin vs. Rey Mysterio - the Gauntlet continues Collar-and-elbow tie-up to start and Rey with the go-behind. Benjamin reverses and Rey gets in some elbows. Benjamin gets Rey down and stomps on the head before the Irish whip. Rey hangs on and comes off with a headscissors takedown. Benjamin puts Rey up top but Rey gets a sunset flip for 2. Benjamin gets fed up and drills Rey with a T-bone suplex for 2. Back suplex gets 2 again. Benjamin works over Rey's arm (it'd make more sense to go after his legs, probably) and stomps on him before going to the cross armbreaker. Rey escapes and gets thje springboard into the bulldog for 2. Benjamin whips Rey hard to the corner and gets the powerslam out of it for 2 again. Benjamin goes for the German suplex but Rey reverse4s into the hurrcanrana into the ropes. Rey with the 619, drops the dime on Benjamin and gets the 3-count. Rey advances in the Gauntlet-

And Big Show looks on in the back, laughing as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to Rey Mysterio vs. Big Show - the Gauntlet continues Rey starts out by ducking outside, then inside, dodging Show and messing with his head. Show has enough of that and, once he catches Rey, starts tossing him around. Show steps on Rey's head (OW!) but Rey escapes with a neck snap and a dropkick to the knee but Show stops him again with a Big Boot. Show starts having some fun at Rey's expense, throwing him around some more before dropping the leg for 2. Show walks on Rey quite a bit more before Rey has enough and hauls ass to the outside. John Cena is ou t to distract Show and Show follows only to take a beltshot to the dome and a countout loss. A top cruiserweight contender faces his buddy, the WWE Champion, when we come back from:

Commercial.

Back to Rey Mysterio vs. Eddie Gurrero - WWE Title Match Collar-and-elbow tie-up to start and Eddie gets a headlock. Both men trade armdrag takedowns before the Mexican standoff ensues (sorry, couldn't help that one). Rey gets a quick succession of 2-counts with a hurracanrana and a sunset flip before sending Eddie to the outside with the headscissors takedown. Eddie bolts right back in and this friendship may break down right in front of our eyes. Rey gets the headlock, reversed by Eddie into the hammerlock on the mat. Eddie turns it into the armbar and wre nches it pretty good. Rey is up with the snapmare and goes for the monkeyflip but Eddie dumps Rey on the apron. That won't stop Rey, however, as he headscissors Eddie to the outside. Rey follows up with the high quebrada as we go to:

Commerical.

Back to Eddie nailing Rey with a superplex for 2. Eddie follows up with a backbreaker for 2 again before going to the hangman's neckbreaker~! Oh my God, I love that move. Eddie even uses Rey's injured left arm for leverage but Rey still manages to get a small package for 2! Very nice. Eddie clotheslines him back down, however, and gets 2 again. Eddie goes back to the bad arm with a hammerlock and a bridge and the crowd is eating this alive. Rey fights his way out and gets a DDT for 2. Rey get s a springboard senton for 2 again before going for another quebrada. Eddie catches Rey - but Rey turns it into another DDT for 2. Rey goes for another hurracanrana, but Eddie reverses for the Rolling Verticals~! Rey counters with a rollup for 2, but gets kicked off into the turnbuckles and on the bad arm. Well done again. Eddie with another suplex and he heads up top to MISS the Frog Splash~! Rey gets Eddie in 619 position and nails it, but misses Dropping the Dime~! Eddie rolls Rey up with l a magistral (!!) for the 3-count and the successful defense. Good shit!

Afterward, Paul is out again, and he's STILL pissed off about last week. He tells Rey and Eddie both that he hopes they get the hell off of his show come Monday, ranting and raving as only Heyman can do-

Before the gong goes off. Oh, shit. Undertaker is HERE, and he nearly murders Paul with the Tombstone. Paul - Bearer, not Heyman - celebrates to end the show.

Okay, after watching this, I can see why the draft may be necessary. The show had a great premise with the Gauntlet, but the actual wrestling left some to be desired. It definitely picked up at the end, though, and I'm damn glad to see the Undertaker back.

L8. Thanks for reading, y'all.

For more interesting (?) reading, click here.

Be sure to visit EdWolf for all of your (non-video) gaming needs, Rehab Radio for some good surfing music, and The Wrestling Fan for a good chuckle or two.

SmackDown Report: (03/25/04)

The show opens with Triple H's theme music, but alas there is no Trips, but instead, Kurt Angle dressed in his Olympic finest. After some teasing of Stephanie McMahon, he announces himself as new SD General Manager. He then announces that he's traded Triple H for three men, those being the Dudleys and Booker T. Wow, I feel sorry for the Raw Locker room after this swerve. It's got to be a lot like thinking you've beat Cancer, then getting hit by a car the next day...

Booker T. who seems to be slowly transforming into Hip-hop star Busta Rhymes, comes out and he's none to pleased about being on SmackDown, saying that it's the minor leagues. Hmm, so what have we learned here today kiddies? Triple H is worth more than the top Tagteam in History and a 5 time World Champion, and, SD is bushleague compared to Raw?...Ya, and Trips doesn't have any imput in creative you say?

RVD Vs. Charlie Haas; The story in this match is Haas working RVD's legs, however someone should go ahead and tell Rob that. RVD just stopped selling it half way through the match, although never underestimate the awesome healing powers of smoking a big fat bowl before you come out. Hey, don't believe me? I've seen my friends take some stupid punishment while under some certain influences... The end comes when Haas tries to undo the turnbuckle pad, but then walks into an inside cradle by RVD for the win. Huh?

Rene Dupree Vs. Billy Kidman; WWE.com apparently forgot to mention the real COUPS of the Draft...FiFi the poodle!, who apparently has jumped ship along with Rene. Well, maybe being accompanied by a sad emasculated creature who prances and preens for a cruel master reminds him of former running buddy Sylvain Grenier, who knows. Anyway, not a bad little match here. The end comes when Dupree breaks out a version of the Michanoku Driver which in French translates to umm Les Michanoku Driver? I don't know.

John Cena comes out and cuts a by the numbers rap for Dupree. He then ends the segment by tossing a package of nuts at Dupree. Well, it's all good, because Rene WAS discovered by Patterson, so having Nuts in his face is probably par for the course at this point.

Teddy Long is backstage and tries to recruit Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty; Makes sense I guess as Long's two last male clients were a fat useless fuck and a white guy pretending to be black...Belee Dat.

Backstage we see Eddie welcoming RVD to the locker room when he runs into a dejected Booker T. Book once again claims that SmackDown is the minor leagues. The two end up coming to blows. But hey, it doesn't exactly help SmackDown's plight when the babyface locker room consists of Orlando Jordan, Funaki and Shannon Moore....just saying.

The Dudley Boyz Vs. The Basham Bros.; Somewhere Mother Dudley and Mother Basham are left scratching their heads trying to remember when they birthed these other "sons"...

For the record, apparently Bubba Ray's ridiculous tiny shorts were also drafted. Get a new outfit Bubba, because if I wanted to see a grown man try and squeeze into a pair of Children's shorts, I'd just hang out with Rob Feinstein....The Bashams do have new tights however, and it must be the Summer of George, because I'll be damned if they're not draped in velvet! Anyway, not a bad match but a little plodding at times. The Dudz appear to be stiffing the shit out of the Bashams here for some reason though. The Dudleys end up hitting the Whazzup then finish clean with the 3D on Doug. Welcome to SmackDown Bubba & D-Von, you just beat the only other team there was...

Booker T. complains to Kurt about the skirmish and he gets a Title match tonight.

Spike Dudley Vs. Chavo Guerrero; Cruiserweight Title at stake; The Dudleys stay out at ringside to prevent Chavo Sr. from perpetrating any "Shenanigan". Spike strangely wrestles without a shirt again, and judging by Spike's physique, apparently my 14 year old cousin has a serious shot at wrestling in the WWE (and definitely ROH...) Good fast paced match, even though it's strange not seeing Spike wrestling a monster for once. Spike gets several near falls but ultimately Chavo finishes with a backbreaker much like A-Train's "Train Wreck". Good match.

Bradshaw comes out (now known as John "Bradshaw" Layfield) with a brand new look and music. He's wearing a suit and a big white hat. He cuts a good promo and actually has me interested in his character which for the record is a real hybrid of J.R. Ewing and Foghorn Leghorn from the Looney Tunes. (Bob Holly would SO be the perfect "Chicken-Hawk" here too). Well at least now that we know the "real" Bradshaw, The rookies in the back might try and distract him with a copy of the Wall street Journal the next times he's feeling "randy" (not Orton...)

Booker runs into Hardcore Holly who basically says Booker isn't wanted on SmackDown... and Bob is Mr. Congeniality?

Booker T. Vs. Eddie Guerrero: WWE Title at stake; Booker comes out to a few boos, and Eddie rolls into the arena in a orange and white truck. As I wonder to myself if there's a Pizza-Pizza delivery man having to deliver his bounty by foot. Good match (certainly better than what the spoilers had suggested) as "Heel" Booker is really working for me.

Lots of near falls towards the end with Booker getting a real close call with the Book-end at one point. Booker however attempts the "ask-kick" but Eddie side-steps, delivers the trifecta of rolling suplexes and heads up for the Frog splash-which connects. However, before he could score the pin, Bradshaw interferes causing the DQ and nearly decapitating our Champion with the unbridled awesomeness of Western materialism at it's finest..err I mean the Clothesline from Hell.

So Bradshaw is the new monster heel? I'm not as upset about this as I would normally be, since quite frankly I find the new character perversely entertaining. They say that the best characters are the ones who reflect the individuals "real" personality, and Bradshaw knows money, Bradshaw knows stocks and Bradshaw knows pork bellies..and, well, that's because he has one...OK I'm done.

Highlight: Character development; While RVD was up to his "Tokin" offense, Booker T. and Bradshaw are drastically changing their personas, and that's enough to keep me intrigued for next week.

Lowlight: Bob Holly. Considering the broken bodies he's left in his wake, I find it hilarious that he would tell anyone they weren't "wanted".