SMACKDOWN RANT ARCHIVE (March 2004)
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SMACKDOWN RANT ARCHIVE (March 2004)
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SMACKDOWN RANT
ARCHIVE (March 2004) |
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Smackdown Report: (03/04/04) The Show opens with Brock Lesnar coming out to Stone Cold's theme music and
driving his four wheeler. He comes into the ring and emulates all of Austin's mannerisms to a "T". No word on whether Lesnar
felt compelled to beat his wife when he got home though... Anyhoo, Brock gets on the stick and brags about what he's done to Steve Austin
in the last few weeks, and blames Goldberg for losing the WWE Title, saying he's "bare naked" without the belt. With that
said, there was a part of me that was a little apprehensive about Lesnar tearing off his warm-up pants for his next match.... Brock Lesnar Vs. Hardcore Holly; Has there ever been a faster plummet than
that of Hardcore Holly? Not that I'm complaining though. You better believe Matt Capotelli would be laughing about this whole
situation...if he wasn't being chased by a fully lathered Bradshaw in the locker room... This match is significantly shorter than their Royal Rumble affair and Lesnar
scores with the Browser Refresh out of no where for the pin. Brock celebrates the win with some beers ala Steve Austin, then
"scoots" back to the dressing room. Danny Basham Vs. Scotty 2 Hotty; The fact that people still pop for Scotty's
dated schtick still amazes me to this day. Only Scotty could get a positive reaction to a moon-walk. Especially considering
the bulk of the people cheering it on were still one of a billion swimmers in their Dad's swollen balls when that "dance"
was, you know, popular? Not a bad little match though. Scotty looks to finish with the "Worm" when Doug Basham switches places
with Danny and quickly rolls-up Scotty for the cheap win. Hey, another win with a roll up? I wonder if Mark Jindrak is mad
that everyone is stealing his "Finisher". Live from "Pittsburgh" and not a cleverly designed studio backstage *ahem*
is Kurt Angle. Kurt tells us that Eddie's fan support, and their jeering of him, "hurt his feelings". Kurt says that he wouldn't
change any of his actions, because it's his goal to make sure Eddie doesn't influence America's youth. For the record though,
Eddie actually does have A LOT in common with Teenagers. He drives his car recklessly, likes to stupidly jump off high objects
and has a lot of acne on his back. Just an observation. Kurt is SO awesome as the moralistic psycho. This whole situation reminds
me of Bret Hart in 1997. Great stuff. Although I could go without ever seeing that red turtleneck sweater again. It took all
my will power to not keep yelling "Kool-aid!" at the screen. Chavo Guerrero Vs. Funaki; I assume this not a Title match but I'm not entirely
certain. They announce the 10 participants for the Cruiserweight Open and a dejected Paul London is heard tearfully yelling
"but, but, I weigh 200 pounds!... All joking aside, How can be an "Open" if it's umm, I don't know, "Open" to every Cruiserweight
on the roster? Sadly Vince's answer would be "Don't worry, it'll be so short you'll probably forget who WAS there to start
with" -*cue maniacal laughter* ) Anyway, the match is decent and it doesn't take too long to realize how much potential
Funaki really has. Chavo himself is playing the slimy "heel" to perfection as well. Chavo Sr. is on commentary and claims
that this 10 Man match at Mania is a "Shenanigan". Testify my brother. Shenanigan, indeed. Funaki looks to have this thing
won, but senior gets up on the apron allowing Chavo to hit a nasty looking rear-naked choke knee breaker combo for the win. Paul Heyman comes to the ring and demands Eddie come out and issue a "public
apology". Eddie reluctantly does than admits he was just "lying". Paul gets in Eddie's face and says that he ashamed of Eddie
Guerrero and says that Eddie is the only "drug addict" to ever win the Title. Ya, and I guess that was just powdered sugar
Shawn Michaels would eat off the stomach of a ring-rat?...Oh did I say that out loud? Moving on. Eddie laughs at Paul's intensity
and says he could beat him with both hands tied behind his back. I smell a Wacky match-up!...and we get it. Tonight it will
be Heyman Vs. Eddie in hand-cuffs. Billy Kidman, Rey Mysterio & Ultimo Dragon Vs. Akio, Sakoda & Tajiri;
It'll be interesting to see if Vince allows the Cruiserweights to really hustle at the PPV, or if they'll have to work all
the rest-holds. Anyway, good match once it got going. The last minute saw a great influx of high spots including just about
the craziest head scissors I've ever seen from Rey. Dragon and Kidman take out Tajiri & Sakoda on the floor leaving Rey to
connect a FANTASTIC tornado DDT on Akio, who does the Rob Van Dam "sell" (not to be confused with Rob's little *business*
on the side). Good match all around, and it at least looks like Dragon is going to get his MSG wish after all, good for him. Haas & Benjamin come out dressed as the APA only with Haas as Faarooq
and Shelton as Bradshaw (although having a likeness of Orlando Jordan's "ass" sewn to his crotch might have been a little
more realistic...) Benjamin and Haas are hilarious here, apparently channeling E & C. Shelton gets the line of the night when he (as Bradshaw) says that he basically
fucks sheep, saying "I can make love, AND knit a sweater at the same time!" SOLID GOLD from where I sit. The two then throw
a shout out to the West Texas Rednecks and sing "APA is Crap", although Haas had as much rythymn as a Parkinson's hand-job,
which of course added to the hilarity. Finally the real APA run in and attack the WGTT until the Bashams join in on the assault.
Shelton then nails Bradshaw with a great Clothesline from Hell for good measure. Finally, Scotty & Rikishi make the save.
I smell another Tagteam title "four-way" brewing. John Cena Vs. A-Train; This was not a very good match at all, but since C-Note
is so over, no one seemed to lose interest. The match kept going and going it seems until finally, John Cena hits an FU out
of nowhere. Although the biggest FU is to us fans who have to continue to be subjected to Albert matches.... Big Show comes out in a pimping giant suit and asks Cena if he's really ready
for their match at Wrestlemania. Show lists his MSG accomplishments but part of me was really hoping he'd say " Have you ever
fallen 5 stories off Kobo Hall to your Death?...then came back to win the World Title two hours later? have ya? Huh? HUH?!"...Ok,
I'm rambling. Eddie Guerrero Vs. Paul Heyman; The Referee places the cuffs on Eddie and
I'm no expert, but I'm guessing that they WEREN'T Ploice issue, you know with the 4 foot chain and all. Police Cheif: "Gee, I just can't figure out how all these criminals keep
escaping from the police cars..." Anyway, Eddie dares Paul to hit him and Heyman does, but this just fires
Eddie up, who then proceeds to boot-fuck Paul into oblivion. Paul then bails and Eddie, still hand-cuffed, follows suit. Kurt
then appears on the ramp and Eddie's selling of shock was fantastic here. Kurt slowly stocks Eddie until he gets into the
ring and takes him down several times. Eddie defiantly spits in Kurt's face, and this infuriates Angle to no end, so, he retrieves
the WWE belt and violently clocks Eddie with it to end the show. This weeks installment of Smackdown was very weak in the ring, but the skits
and drama delivered so I think it deserves a thumbs up. Highlight:
Eddie Guerrero & Kurt Angle; Eddie's true appeal as Champion lies in the fact of how truly "human" his character is, which
is a breath of fresh air from the invincible super heroes of the past. Who wouldn't want to cheer an underdog? Lowlight: Bob Holly. Holly seems to be phoning it in lately. (too bad it wasn't a long-distance phone call, if
you catch my drift). Smackdown Report: (03/11/04) The show opens with John Cena cutting a by-the-numbers rap on Big Show. John Cena Vs. Rhyno; Rhyno will be playing the role of luckless jobber here. OKish match, but the crowd ate it
up anyway because Cena is on fire these days. Rhyno gets little offense in, but does manage to peel of his Spinebuster (With
no obligatory Arn Anderson reference this time..strange). In any event, usually a spinebuster is enough to get you a Main
Event "push", but not Rhyno, who continues to been buried so deep, that he'll be probably taking his morning shit in Beijing
tomorrow. Cena eventually hits his "five knuckle shuffle" fist drop, then finishes with an FU. All the Smackdown "Talent" is shown going into Paul Heyman's locker room and oh ya, Hardcore Holly is there too.
Paul Heyman rallies the troops by citing that this is "their" Smackdown...and Austin is intruding. He then says
that Austin is trying take food off their plates. But, in the case of Rikishi and Show, is that really a problem? Stone Cold Steve Austin's pick-up truck is spotted in the parking lot. It's obviously his as I don't know too many
people that would actually have a Confederate flag emblazoned on the side of their vehicle. Only Austin would think that putting
that on his truck would be a good idea, but I guess this type of shit might fly down south, where said truck would likely
contain various animal carcasses and random hog-tied minorities, but, I'm daring Steve to actually try and drive it this Sunday
through "certain" neighborhoods... Rey Mysterio Vs. Jamie Noble; The Chavos are on commentary here. Fast paced match that shmazzes when Tajiri, Akio
& Sakoda interfere. Babyfaces Billy Kidman, Ultimo Dragon & Funaki come to Rey-Rey's aid though and this one channels
ECW and segues into an eight man tag team match. Rey Mysterio, Funaki, Billy Kidman & Ultimo Dragon Vs. Jamie Noble, Tajiri, Akio & Sakoda; Spotastic fun
as they keep it at a good pace. It'll be interesting to see if they let the Cruiserweight Open go the spot-heavy route, or,
if they'll kill the NYC crowd dead with rest holds. Everyone clicks here, but the more I watch, the more I'm reminded how much Kidman needs a new look. They should
let him retire the "gay pool-boy" look, and go back to his WCW image instead. Apparently, once upon a time, Steve Austin didn't
want anyone to wear denim shorts but him and thus Kidman was "made-over". Oh Well, Austin is still around, so I guess the
shorts are still out of the question. (I'd mention Kidman's wifebeater too but Ol' Steve probably has that one trademarked
as well....I kid, Steve.) The end here comes after everyone is on the floor but Noble and Rey, when Chavo Sr. gets up on the apron to try
and distract the ref so Chavito can interfere. That backfires however as Noble collides with Chavo Jr. and Rey-Rey finishes
with a standing West-Coast Pop. Eddie Guerrero Vs. Shelton Benjamin; Eddie cuts a good promo on Kurt Angle prior to this match. Cole and Tazz subtly
tease a possible Team Angle re-union that I personally think would RULE. Charlie Haas (who's in Shelton's corner) ends up
getting ejected from ringside thus making it one on one. Good match here ensues and eventually the Referee gets bumped, so
Shelton scoots out to retrieve the WWE Title, which ends up being about as good idea as wearing your "All You Need Is Cock"
T-shirt to a feminist rally as Eddie dropkicks it into Benjamin's face. Haas tries to return but Eddie K.O's him with the
belt too, then gives Shelton one more for good measure. As the Referee gets up, Eddie lays down to throw him off the cheating
trail but soon "recovers" and hits the Frog-splash for the win. Kurt Angle comes out sending a contrary message to Eddie as his eyes say "I'm going to kill you" but his styling
powder blue golf shirt says: "Even though I'm intense, it doesn't mean I can't look fabulous". Sable and Torrie are shown at a Playboy function. They go over how Stacy & Miss Jackie are "No Sable &
Torrie"..Bleh. Am the only one who's wondering why in a feud that's supposed to determine who'd look better in Playboy, why
they just don't get NAKED, rather than roll around in long dresses? Paul Heyman runs into..Orlando Jordan(?!) and asks him to stand up for Smackdown Tonight (He does this same schtick
with APA later) but Orlando says he respects Stone Cold, as obviously, Orlando didn't see Austin's "truck" earlier, or he'd
likely be scouring the building, trying to confiscate anything that could be used as rope.... Big Show Vs. Two Jobbers; This is your standard squash match. Cool spot sees Big Show elevate one of the errrr.."enhancement"
talents in a Cobra-clutch. Show then finishes the other jobber with a Chokeslam. Can't NO ONE tell me that Show isn't light
years better than Andre ever was. I can't remember Andre ever breaking out any submission holds bar the bear hug. In fact
Andre's entire offense consisted of him finding new and creative ways of dominating with his Ass. (a maneuver Pat Patterson
too has mastered...) Anyway, John Cena runs down and beats down Show. Uh-oh, If WWE's dumb-assed "Even Steven" booking comes into play
here, then it looks likle Show will retain at WrestleMania. Let's hope that's not the case. Scotty 2 Hotty & Rikishi Vs. The Bashams; I don't why they don't just re-tool the Bashams already. They collectively
have less heat than an Eskimo hand-job. Mediocre match ensues (but nothing too bad though). The Bashams continue to do the switcheroo spot even though
they look nothing alike (bring back the Pulp Fiction "gimp" masks!) but unfortunately, Rikishi is too wise for this chicanery
and just superkicks Doug (Who switched with Danny while Kish was preparing a stink-face) and gets the pin. Paul Heyman and the Smackdown Superstars come out and Paul grabs the mike and ironically puts over Brock Lesnar
as Smackdown's leader. Brock then comes out on Austin's ATV and calls Stone Cold out. Austin comes out and all the SD talent line up, including Billy and... Chuck! Side by side again! See, even a reformed
homosexual, with heavy ties to violent organized crime has it in his heart for reconciliation...What a beautiful moment. Paul demands everyone attack Austin, but they instead step aside out of respect. Austin moves past everyone except
Big Show who blocks his way, before ultimately stepping aside as well. Austin retrieves his four-wheeler but goes back to
the ring and brawls with Brock. Austin posts him and Lesnar does some color. Brock breiefly gets the edge back in the ring
and attempts an F5 but that's countered. Austin stuns Heyman then tries to stun Brock but he bails. Austin then celebrates
with some beer to close the show. Man, I can't wait until Brock wrestles Austin at WrestleMania....What do you mean he's NOT wrestling him?...Then
why is..nevermind. Decent but unspectacular showing tonight. So let me get this straight, the issue at WrestleMania is not GOLDBERG,
but a stolen toy? Wow, I guess Lucy the Bulldog was unavailable. Highlight: Eddie Guerrero. Steals the show EVERY TIME. Bonus points
to the Cruiserweight tag as well. Lowlight: The stupid Torrie Wilson & Sable interactions. If
these two start going at each other's carpets on CAMERA, then, maybe I'll be interested.
SmackDown Report: (03/25/04) The show opens with Triple H's theme music, but alas there is no Trips, but instead, Kurt Angle dressed in his
Olympic finest. After some teasing of Stephanie McMahon, he announces himself as new SD General Manager. He then announces
that he's traded Triple H for three men, those being the Dudleys and Booker T. Wow, I feel sorry for the Raw Locker room after
this swerve. It's got to be a lot like thinking you've beat Cancer, then getting hit by a car the next day... Booker T. who seems to be slowly transforming into Hip-hop star Busta Rhymes, comes out and he's none to pleased
about being on SmackDown, saying that it's the minor leagues. Hmm, so what have we learned here today kiddies? Triple H is
worth more than the top Tagteam in History and a 5 time World Champion, and, SD is bushleague compared to Raw?...Ya, and Trips
doesn't have any imput in creative you say? RVD Vs. Charlie Haas; The story in this match is Haas working RVD's legs, however someone should go ahead and tell
Rob that. RVD just stopped selling it half way through the match, although never underestimate the awesome healing powers
of smoking a big fat bowl before you come out. Hey, don't believe me? I've seen my friends take some stupid punishment while
under some certain influences... The end comes when Haas tries to undo the turnbuckle pad, but then walks into an inside cradle
by RVD for the win. Huh? Rene Dupree Vs. Billy Kidman; WWE.com apparently forgot to mention the real COUPS of the Draft...FiFi the poodle!,
who apparently has jumped ship along with Rene. Well, maybe being accompanied by a sad emasculated creature who prances and
preens for a cruel master reminds him of former running buddy Sylvain Grenier, who knows. Anyway, not a bad little match here.
The end comes when Dupree breaks out a version of the Michanoku Driver which in French translates to umm Les Michanoku Driver?
I don't know. John Cena comes out and cuts a by the numbers rap for Dupree. He then ends the segment by tossing a package of
nuts at Dupree. Well, it's all good, because Rene WAS discovered by Patterson, so having Nuts in his face is probably par
for the course at this point. Teddy Long is backstage and tries to recruit Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty; Makes sense I guess as Long's two last
male clients were a fat useless fuck and a white guy pretending to be black...Belee Dat. Backstage we see Eddie welcoming RVD to the locker room when he runs into a dejected Booker T. Book once again
claims that SmackDown is the minor leagues. The two end up coming to blows. But hey, it doesn't exactly help SmackDown's plight
when the babyface locker room consists of Orlando Jordan, Funaki and Shannon Moore....just saying. The Dudley Boyz Vs. The Basham Bros.; Somewhere Mother Dudley and Mother Basham are left scratching their heads
trying to remember when they birthed these other "sons"... For the record, apparently Bubba Ray's ridiculous tiny shorts were also drafted. Get a new outfit Bubba, because
if I wanted to see a grown man try and squeeze into a pair of Children's shorts, I'd just hang out with Rob Feinstein....The
Bashams do have new tights however, and it must be the Summer of George, because I'll be damned if they're not draped in velvet!
Anyway, not a bad match but a little plodding at times. The Dudz appear to be stiffing the shit out of the Bashams here for
some reason though. The Dudleys end up hitting the Whazzup then finish clean with the 3D on Doug. Welcome to SmackDown Bubba
& D-Von, you just beat the only other team there was... Booker T. complains to Kurt about the skirmish and he gets a Title match tonight. Spike Dudley Vs. Chavo Guerrero; Cruiserweight Title at stake; The Dudleys stay out at ringside to prevent Chavo
Sr. from perpetrating any "Shenanigan". Spike strangely wrestles without a shirt again, and judging by Spike's physique, apparently
my 14 year old cousin has a serious shot at wrestling in the WWE (and definitely ROH...) Good fast paced match, even though
it's strange not seeing Spike wrestling a monster for once. Spike gets several near falls but ultimately Chavo finishes with
a backbreaker much like A-Train's "Train Wreck". Good match. Bradshaw comes out (now known as John "Bradshaw" Layfield) with a brand new look and music. He's wearing a suit
and a big white hat. He cuts a good promo and actually has me interested in his character which for the record is a real hybrid
of J.R. Ewing and Foghorn Leghorn from the Looney Tunes. (Bob Holly would SO be the perfect "Chicken-Hawk" here too). Well
at least now that we know the "real" Bradshaw, The rookies in the back might try and distract him with a copy of the Wall
street Journal the next times he's feeling "randy" (not Orton...) Booker runs into Hardcore Holly who basically says Booker isn't wanted on SmackDown... and Bob is Mr. Congeniality? Booker T. Vs. Eddie Guerrero: WWE Title at stake; Booker comes out to a few boos, and Eddie rolls into the arena
in a orange and white truck. As I wonder to myself if there's a Pizza-Pizza delivery man having to deliver his bounty by foot.
Good match (certainly better than what the spoilers had suggested) as "Heel" Booker is really working for me. Lots of near falls towards the end with Booker getting a real close call with the Book-end at one point. Booker
however attempts the "ask-kick" but Eddie side-steps, delivers the trifecta of rolling suplexes and heads up for the Frog
splash-which connects. However, before he could score the pin, Bradshaw interferes causing the DQ and nearly decapitating
our Champion with the unbridled awesomeness of Western materialism at it's finest..err I mean the Clothesline from Hell. So Bradshaw is the new monster heel? I'm not as upset about this as I would normally be, since quite frankly I
find the new character perversely entertaining. They say that the best characters are the ones who reflect the individuals
"real" personality, and Bradshaw knows money, Bradshaw knows stocks and Bradshaw knows pork bellies..and, well, that's because
he has one...OK I'm done. Highlight: Character development; While RVD was up to his "Tokin"
offense, Booker T. and Bradshaw are drastically changing their personas, and that's enough to keep me intrigued for next week. Lowlight: Bob Holly. Considering the broken bodies he's left in
his wake, I find it hilarious that he would tell anyone they weren't "wanted". |
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