RAW RANT ARCHIVE (March 2004)
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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (March 2004)
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RAW RANT ARCHIVE
(March 2004)
Raw Report: (03/01/04) The show opens with La Resistance in the ring, protesting their treatment last week.
But, you know, things could be worse, they could be fallen comrade Sylvan Grenier, who at this very moment has Pat Patterson
clung to his ass like a spider monkey, while frantic officials try in vain to pull the First IC champion out of the young
Frenchman "Winnie the Pooh" style. Austin then comes out and puts La Rez over... by singlehandedly obliterating them
both. (They'll be wrestling for the tag team Titles at Wrestlemania for the record.) Vince McMahon interrupts Stone Cold, and confronts him saying that he wasn't responsible
for the Lesnar assault last week, but perhaps Bischoff was. Vince then says that Austin is a lousy Referee and he'll be taking
his chances being in the ring with both Lesnar and Goldberg. Vince then makes light of Austin's ATV, as Austin goes into redneck
logistics about what it can do, including dragging anything from the woods apparently. But, considering Austin had a version
of the confederate flag on the back of his T-Shirt, I have a pretty good idea what he might be dragging. (note to Teddy Long,
run, and keep running.) Austin then jumps on said ATV, and chases Vince out into the parking lot. Vince jumps
into his limo and hilariously overacts his "terror" as Austin drives right up on the roof. Vince then speeds off in the limo. Victoria & Lita Vs.Jazz & Molly Holly (wearing a very loose fitting top);
This one was incredibly short. Molly shoved Jazz so she abandons Molly, and Lita never actually tags in. Victoria gets a quick
small package on Molly for the win as this one clocks in at under a minute. (like most of my sexual conquests, unfortunately).
Molly takes out her frustrations on "Smiling" Victoria by pulling out large clumps of her hair. Well, at least we're seeing
a feud between DIFFERENT women finally. I myself am taking a stand against all these blond cookie-cutter types, so much so,
that I VOW...to cut back substantially on how often I masturbate to them. Hey, I'm trying! Eric is in his office when Tough Enough 3 co-winner John Hennigan introduces himself.
He says that his name is now Johnny Blaze, and upon hearing the word "blaze" RVD curiously pops his head in the room....Ok,
maybe not. "Blaze" tells Eric that he's his idol and Eric makes him his apprentice as a result. Val Venis is then seen teary
eyed, mouthing the words "remember me?"...OK I'm lying again. Austin enters the office and confronts Eric about Lesnar's attack last week, but
Eric denies it. Molly then interrupts, and DEMANDS Victoria. Eric obliges and makes the match for Wrestlemania. Austin then
spices it up by putting up Molly's hair if she loses. Vanilla Pudding (Cade & Jindrak) Vs. Rosey & The Hurricane; Fan interest
is apparently barred from ringside here. Poor Rosey & Hurricane. Having to watch the "1985" offense of Cade & Jindrak
is the physical equivalent of the Geography Teacher on 'The Wonder Years'. Anyhoo, after what seemed to be forever, Jindrak
nails Rosey with the forearm blow of DEATH as he attempted to climb the turnbuckle allowing Cade to score the win and go to
Wrestlemania, as part of the Fatal four-way Tag team title match. Damn, Wrestlemania is worse than a wedding, as they attempt to find a place for every
idiot and his brother. Wacky Homosexual Rico is out next. Somehow the unstoppable power of Jackie Gayda's
big fake tits have turned him face. Rico then introduces us to his fag-hags, Stacy Keibler & Miss Jackie, decked out in
full gowns for their "Playboy Evening Gown Match"...because you know, when you think of Playboy..you usually think of fully
clothed women in ball gowns. Wow, what a disaster this match will be, I can almost picture Fit Finlay with his
head in an oven right now. For the record though, I may be the only one working "stiff" that night. Kane interrupts the fun, and looks to beat up the women when Rico plays queer in
shining armor and tries to fight him off, but ends up eating a chokeslam for his trouble. Kane grabs the mic and says at Wrestlemania
it's going to get Biblical. If that's the case, I personally can't wait to see how they work the locusts and the slaying of
everyone's first born into the Pay-per-view.... Undertaker's Gong goes off and his symbol (not cross, wink*wink) ignite in flames.
Cool visual. HBK & Chris Benoit Vs. Batista & Randy Orton; Orton had SO Much heat tonight
it was crazy. Very good match ensues and they tease the whole "Can Benoit & Shawn co-exist together" storyline. At one
point though, Benoit looks to have things well in hand and takes Batista down with the crossface until HBK accidentally trips
over Benoit and breaks up the hold. The two trade words and HBK punches Benoit, who proceeds to drop faster than your sister
on Prom night. What the fuck was that all about? When a 220 pound guy drops you outcold with one punch, it doesn't exactly
do wonders for your credibility. And Shawn didn't even have Nash and Dallas Page filling a boxing glove with water either,
go figure. After the break, the action continues and HBK looks to finish Orton, when Benoit comes off with a huge headbutt
that hits them both. Benoit and HBK get into a mini brawl and Orton capitalizes by rolling up Shawn for the win. Excellent match in my opinion. But, of course, like the proverbial bucket of water
to a flame, here comes "Fat Hunter" to extinguish any heat his challengers may have by doing the same, tired "Pedigree your
opponent" before the big match. The only thing missing here though was the tight camera angle on H's grill, and the obligatory
Triple H shaky jowl face. Christian comes out and commandeers the "Hi-Lite Reel" set for an edition of the
"Peep Show". Christian announces that what he did to Trish was for Jericho's benefit. He then announces that he will meet
Y2J at Wrestlemania. JR insists that Jericho is not here tonight, but guess what? He is. Well there goes Jim Ross's credibility.
Next thing you know, he be mis-calling moves and referring to wrestlers by the wrong names..... Jericho comes out and quickly attacks Christian, but C-man escapes with a well timed
kick to Jericho's bad wheel. HHH is seen giving Evolution a pep talk about finishing Foley. Triple H then leaves,
perhaps to answer a call from a 1970's woman. She wants her fucking hairdo back apparently. Hey, come on, it's horrendous.
Really. Rob Van Dam & Booker T. Vs. Matt Hardy & Test; I've been racking my brain
recently trying to think of a clever name for the Van Dam/ Booker tandem, and have finally settled on the name "Tokin' Black
guy". Play on words rule. Anyway, the Tagteam Titles are not on the line here. Booker T. & Rob work surprisingly well
as a team and this match comes off well. Rob seems to have a little more spring in his step this week, probably due to the
fact that he now has a confirmed Wrestlemania match. That, or he finally cleaned the old resen out of his bong. The end sees
Test hit the "Aboot" accidentally on Hardy, allowing Booker to hit the "ask-kick" and RVD to hit a Five star. Booker then
gets the academic win. After the fall, Test is then return mailed to HEAT. Done & done. Steve Austin's ATC is shown being towed away. The HUMANITY! Mick Foley then comes out for the final segment, but before he can get into his promo
he is interrupted by Evolution (Orton, Flair & Batista). Orton formally challenges Foley for a one on one at Wrestlemania,
but Foley refuses saying he knows that it won't go down that way. He then says he has a tag team partner...Maxx Payne! Finally
reunited!...just kidding. Of course WWE assumes that everyone knows that it's Rock already, and Orton awkwardly
mentions that "Mr. Walking Tall" isn't here tonight. Foley then calls a mustachioed Rock to the ring and they dispose of Evolution,
with Foley giving Orton "Mr. Socko" and Rock hitting a spinebuster and subsequent "People's Elbow". Rock grabs the stick and
announces that at Mania it will be Rock & Sock Connection against all three members of Evolution, and you can almost hear
Flair, say "Ah fuck. Gee, I wonder who's the getting pinned here". The crowd completely ate this whole segment up, although I think Rock coming to Foley's
aid during an attempted beatdown would be that much more powerful, but that's just me. OK show here. But something just didn't feel right. The first hour was throw away,
but the finale was a tad too predictable for my liking. Highlight: Benoit & HBK Vs. Orton & Batista; Great match. Argue all you want about the finish, but Orton
and Batista needed this win going into the biggest match of their lives. Rock's pop also should get a mention here, as does
Foley's, who in my opinion is more OVER now than he has been in years. Lowlight: Cade & Jindrak; The fact that talented "over" people like Matt Hardy and Hurricane will be sitting
Wrestlemania out, while these two generic hosses get a payoff is an insult. The show opens up with a casket in the middle of the ring. For a minute
I think WWE, in order to save money on a video tribute, just decided to bring Hercules there in "person"...Ah I kid. R.I.P.
Herc. After the credits, Kane comes to the ring and smashes open the casket
revealing an urn. An urn in a coffin? I thought the point of cremation was so you wouldn't have to pay for a burial?... Kane goes berserk and says he's not afraid of Undertaker. The Gong
is then heard and the ring starts moving hydraulically. Who knew those druids had such complex engineering skills? All kidding
aside, you can't help but mark-out for this throwback silliness. Booker T. & RVD and The Dudleys Vs. Cade & Jindrak and La
Resistance; Booker T. and Rob now have a combined theme of the same ilk as the forgotten Lex Luger/British Bulldog "Allied
Powers" variety. Cade and Jindrak are still as interesting as ever, and to my horror, Bubba Ray Dudley's shorts have actually
managed to get smaller. All I know is, if he ever shows up just wearing a camouflage cod-piece, I'll never watch RAW again... Very uninspiring match, that's basically a set-up to show that guys
like Cade & Jindrak have a legitimate shot at a WM win. The end comes when Book bounces into the ropes for an "ask" kick,
but Conway elbows him and Cade hits a clothesline(?!) for the win. A clothesline? What is this the 1987 Survivor Series? Chris Jericho is seen talking on his cell phone. He says things like
"So you're just leaving the Physical therapy now?" and other plot points, that if I didn't know better, I'd swear were just
for the audiences benefit to set up the fact that no, Trish will in fact not be here tonight. Chris is about to tell Trish
"how he really feels" when Christian blindsides him before he can. Apparently, even though Chris Jericho has had 6 months
to tell her, he can only express his true feelings for Trish on camera. A Pizza delivery man(?!) comes out and delivers a "WrestleMania" pizza
to King and JR. Although, both forget to actually promote, you know, who MADE the pizza, making the segment about as stupid
as buying Steven Hawking a pair of running shoes. The Rock is backstage happily mumbling to himself when he runs into
Rosey and Hurricane. They trade funny quips and Rock wishes them luck in their handi-cap match with Evolution. Why bother
wishing anyone luck in a match with HHH's boys? That's kind of like saying "See you soon" to a kamikaze pilot. Rosey & The Hurricane Vs. Evolution (Batista, Orton & Flair).
Squash city here as the Super Heroes barely get any offense in. Batista easily finishes Hurricane with the Roid-bomb for the
win. Matt Hardy Vs. Chris Benoit; Matt Fact: "He sure must have fucking
pissed someone off". Another match, another job. It hardly seems fair that he gets buried while his brother Jeff gets to write
shitty poetry and serenade teenagers but whatever. Chris dominates Matt and dispatches him at about the two minute mark with
a crossface. JR goes to the ring to interview Benoit to a tepid response from the
Connecticut crowd. Maybe they're just somber at the announcement that fellow rich cheese-eater Martha Stewart went down faster
than a hemophiliac in a boxing match. Chris gets interrupted by HBK who comes out and argues that he, not Benoit, will walk
out as Champion. Cue Fat Hunter's music and he waddles out and says that he has a way of manipulating situations. Hehe, I
don't even have to make a snide comment about that one. HHH then promises to walk out of Mania as Champion, and from there
never EVER wrestle on TV, but show up at the PPV's to go over...OK, he didn't say that, but tell me I'm wrong. Lita Vs. Molly Holly; Lita blew so many spots in this match, I swear
I heard Jackie Gayda say "Man, does she suck". Molly tries her best to carry Lita to something credible, but even Molly's
strong back can't handle that load. After badly botching a head scissors (It's her only move! Even Hogan never blew the leg
drop!) Molly rolls through a roll up and grabs the rope for the assisted pin. Molly then tries to pull out Lita's hair until
Victoria, sans shit-eating grin makes the save. Stone Cold Steve Austin comes out minus the Dune-Buggy of Southern
Justice, and says he'll get his ATV back on Smackdown. He then buries both locker rooms by saying he could kick anyone's ass.
Why can't Austin just wrestle? He still bumps, gives stunners, etc. but he can't "wrestle" an actual match? Stone Cold is
fast turning into the type of guy you see on disability who wears a neckbrace to his workers office to get out of working,
then goes home, throws it off, and plays a game of soccer with his friends. Chris Jericho Vs. Steven Richards; Who's the heel here? I mean both
have been playing face lately, what gives? Anyway, good match, albeit short. Jericho looks to have things in order when he
tries to apply the walls, but Trish's music plays and Christian saunders out. This distraction allows Stevie to counter the
Walls into a small package for the win. Jackie Gayda and Stacy Keibler are show in Eric Bischoff's office
singing something about Milkshakes. Milkshakes, huh? Well I have a protein one for you, and you can squeeze it yourself..In
fact I insist you do, BONG. Anyhoo, "Johhny Spade" comes in, and I'd be remised if I didn't say that he looks a lot like that
"Johnny Blaze" fellow from last week. I wonder if they're related?... Johnny ends up giving out his business card to the ladies as Eric
comes in approvingly. Hey I wonder if those cards said "Gold Club" on them?... It's now time for "Mick Foley, This is your life". But first, I have
to say Rock looks like he's lost about 30 pounds, but don't worry, Triple H found it. Mick comes out and Rock shows footage
of Mick jumping off the roof when he was a teenager. Rock then invites the woman who's "house" it was to the ring. Mick says
that all the kids in the neighborhood would eat pie at her house as Rock recoiled in horror. Funny stuff actually. The schtick
carries on when Rock brings out Jimmy Snuka, whom the old woman comes onto to. Snuka disturbingly admits that he LOVES pie.
Finally Rock brings out the "critic" who panned Mick's first book, and after some insults from Rocky, the critic gets Mr.
Socko. Evolution then hits the ring and destroys Rock & Sock to end the
show. Hey, maybe they'll do "RVD, this is your life" next week? It'll consist
of footage of him passed out in a bowl of funions, and a "from the grave" camera view of Triple H pitching dirt onto him.... Not a very good show in my opinion. Not terrible by any stretch, but
hardly the show you'd think heading into potentially the biggest pay-per-view in History. Highlight: Rock and Sock;
Rock's comedic timing is very missed these days, but the first "This is your life" was a different time and one has to wonder
how well this segment actually did in the ratings. Good Effort by both though, who looked to genuinely having a good time. Lowlight: Nothing was bad,
just uneventful.
Raw Report: (03/15/04) Hey, this was supposed to be the part where I announced I was on vacation
this week, and thus have someone else fill in for me, but alas I was preoccupied with some of life's deeper complexities and
just plum forgot, and now I'm left holding the bag. Oh well, what can you do? . Triple H opens the show "naked" without his belt, but thankfully not really
naked, because steroids have likely taken their toll, reducing his once proud member to a mottled grape stem. Trips speaks on his loss at WrestleMania and how it was really 2 on 1, and
if not for that, he'd still be Champion. He then states that in 2 weeks he'll chime in how "Benoit isn't drawing, and y'all
know what that means! Bwahahaha!"...OK he didn't really say that, and did do good business at WrestleMania, but I had to get
one final jab in. Chris Benoit comes out and gets up in Triple H's face and points to the name
plate on the belt, and after seeing the name "Triple H" on there and Trips himself shooting him a wink, Benoit lowers his
head and says "Shit, dude, Already?" OK I made that all up. Benoit does get in Triple H's face however, and tells him that
he will make Hunter "tap" "tap" and "tap". Apparently Benoit was a fan of famed song & dance man, Sammy Davis Jr. and
would like to see the Game expand his repertoire to a little "soft shoe"...or, he just wants to make him submit. I get confused
a lot. Benoit ends up blindsiding Triple H and Evolution comes out to even the score.
Benoit looks to be in trouble when Shawn Michaels makes the save. Eric Bischoff then comes out and makes a Tag team match
between HBK & Benoit against Flair, Batista and Randy Orton for tonight. Bischoff then says that he can't make any Title
matches until Vince McMahon shows up tonight. And what's Eric's job again? HBK is backstage and explains that he wants the first Title shot, and will
be looking out for Benoit in the interim. Victoria & Lita Vs. Bald Molly & Jazz; Apparently Lita has had to
take second job as house painter since she missed her WrestleMania payoff. Anyway, Molly is doing the old Kurt Angle wig gimmick
here, but let's hope that her hair comes back in better than Kurt's has.... Victoria pulls off Molly's wig revealing her "little bald head", as I'm sure
countless horn dogs across the country follow suit as well, all in honor of Victoria's smoking hot outfit. Anyway, Molly runs
away in shame, leaving Jazz to face Lita & Victoria alone, and Lita ends up hitting her DDT on Jazz for the win. Y2J Vs. Matt Hardy; Matt Fact: "Maybe I shouldn't have been so critical of
WWE in my book..". Jericho plays broken-hearted psycho here and decimates Matt Hardy. Jericho ends up taking Matt to the outside
and choking him with microphone cord until the referee calls for the disqualification. Huh, at least Matt finally got a win,
I guess. Randy Orton cuts a promo backstage on Mick Foley first challenging him to
a one on one match, then referring to Mick's son accidentally as "Huey" instead of Dewey. Louie was thankfully not mentioned,
as was Uncle Scrooge. La Resistance is backstage and Hey! Grenier is back! Obviously sneaking out
of Patterson's not so cleverly designed basement gimp chamber. Grenier introduces a French poodle as their team mascot, as
I think about how much the two have in common. The only difference of course is that the poodle can be "fixed" and Grenier
only wishes he could as well, something that no doubt would finally end all his degradation. Stone Cold Steve Austin runs into La Rez, and cites that they're in direct
violation of the "law". Kane Vs. Val Venis; Val has a woman remove his towel but before she can return
the favor, Kane bursts onto the scene and squashes the Big Valbowski in short order with a choke slam. Apparently Kane is
as much a fan as silly bait & switch T & A as I am. Stacy Keibler Vs. Jackie Gayda; I can't believe they're giving this match
away for free!-note sarcasm. Fortunately though, before the duo can stink up the ring worse than a bag of dead hookers, Vince
McMahon struts out. He calls this match a "No-Contest" and has a big announcement to make. He says that that it's time to
shake up the WWE by..having another "Draft". He says that fans want to see SmackDown stars on Raw and vice versa but NOT at
the same time damn it! Not at the expense of the HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL brand extension, no sir. Anyway Vince says next week there
will be a "lottery", and that will decide where EVERYONE is going to end up. This will make things interesting at least, but
he did mutter the phrase "even family members" will be included, which can only mean one (Huge) person... Evolution discusses the possibility of splitting up and I'm surprised that
Randy didn't lean in and ask "Umm, will this affect my "push" at all?... "Tokin' Blackguy" (RVD & Booker T.) Vs. The Dudley Boyz; World Tagteam
Titles at stake; The sad thing here is I thought originally that they should have had this match at Mania...Now if you'll
excuse me, I have to go eat a big plate of crow. Anyway, RVD & Book play the role of "Oil" here, while Dudley's portray
"Water" if you catch my drift. Terrible, long, long match, but they were trying to tell a "story" at least, and no it's title
wasn't "This Match Blows". The match actually got a little better once RVD was playing "face in peril" but Ross and Lawler
were busy blabbing about the new "draft" to notice, with Lawler saying "What will The Dudley's do if they are separated?!"
Apparently King was in a coma in 2002. Anyhoo, each team ends up hitting their finish but each partner makes a last minute
save. Finally though, D-Von & RVD spill to the outside, and Book quickly finishes Bubba with a "Book-End" to retain. In a side note, between D-Von's T-shirt and Bubba's shorts, I think it's
time for the Dudleys to buy a new Dryer, just saying. "Trishtian" (Trish Stratus & Christian) attack Spike Dudley on his way
to the ring and Christian gives him the "Un-Prettier" on the floor and Trish counts a pin. Back in the ring, Trish explains
that she turned on Jericho because of the one dollar "Bet". (Wasn't Christian in on that bet too?..) In a side note, we Canadians
really need to change our money to look more like Americans. I mean it's a little easier to respect a currency that isn't
riddled with bizarre wet-land animals all over it. Anyway, Christian reveals that Trish likes it "rough" and wants a real
man. Upon hearing this, I can picture Steve Austin coming up to her backstage with a Joey from Friend's "How U doin?" Renee Dupree decides to confront Steve Austin while Conway and Grenier try
to talk him out of it. Renee calls Austin to the ring after bad mouthing America. Austin rolls out
to the ring on his dune-buggy O' Southern justice and attacks Dupree, beating him to a pulp. Part of me would have marked
out though if the crowd chanted "Que' " as Austin stomped him. Austin finishes Dupree with a Stunner and does the beer routine. HBK & Chris Benoit Vs. Evolution; During the match, Mick Foley is seen
arriving at the arena in a full red sweatsuit as I yell out KOOLAID! Mick comes straight to the ring and attacks Orton and
the two spill into the crowd making this one a straight tag match. Triple H (who is at ringside) conveniently interferes and
delivers a Pedigree to Michaels but HBK kicks out at two. Batista comes in and MAN HANDLES Michaels as Ross sings his praises,
Although all I hear is "Hossety, Hoss, Hoss Hoss, Hoss!"... Benoit ends up getting the hot tag and cleans house delivering
more "Germans" than an Oktoberfest BBQ. Batista eats the trifecta but Hunter slides in all slippery-like and tries to give
Benoit the Pedigree. Fortunately though, HBK comes out of nowhere with a superkick. Flair eats one as well as Benoit applies
the Sharpshooter to Batista. Big Dave has no choice but to tap out giving Michaels & Benoit the big win. Good little match
here. I enjoyed this show. However, with Benoit winning with the Sharpshooter and
the possibility of him facing Michaels for the TITLE in CANADA, even Helen Keller could see where this story is going... Highlight:
Triple H.; Yes, you are reading this correctly. Trips did the right thing last night and the fact that he sold the defeat
at the hands of Benoit with anger tonight, rather than denial, earns my respect. Hunter can really be the man when he wants
to be. Lowlight:
RVD & Booker T. Vs. The Dudleys; I've seen Kevin Costner movies that don't last this long. Raw Report: (03/22/04) The show opens with both Bischoff and Heyman standing at podiums on the ramp.
Apparently there will be twelve picks made and trades can also be negotiated provided they conclude before the 12:00 AM cut-off. Heyman makes the first pick from the lottery tumbler, and WWE will never
be the same when this man leaves for SmackDown..............Rene Dupree?! OK, OK, I can see this, he's young, and getting
his own identity might not be the worst idea. Dupree says goodbye to Conway and Grenier, who's likely sitting on a hemmoroid
cushion, before making his way out to the ring. He proclaims himself the "French Phenom!" But honestly, that's really like
winning "Best Looking" in a Leper colony. No offense to any Frenchies out there. Dupree says that the last image in his RAW
tenure will NOT be Stone Cold "stunning" him, so he demands one last match and challenges anyone in the back.... Rene Dupree Vs. Chris Jericho; Not a bad match here, as Dupree has a lot
of potential but just needs to hone his craft a little more. Luckily for us however, Rene breaks out the patented La Resis"DANCE"
not once, but twice! Jericho however is not all that impressed, and clobbers Dupree with a running Enziguri for the win. After the match, Dupree gets on the microphone and demands respect. This
of course brings out Steve Austin who gives Rene "the rub"...by completely annihilating him on his way out? That's not passing
the "Torch", that's lighting you on fire with it. Kane Vs. Rico; Kane's pyro went off after Bischoff makes his first pick,
which for the record is Shelton Benjamin. Kane makes short work of Rico , obviously making sure he's the only one who's
"Flaming" here tonight. Chokeslam, pin. It was that fast. After the match, Kane says to Bischoff and Heyman, that he doesn't care what
show he's on, as long as it's not with The Undertaker. (I have a feeling a lot of people in the back were thinking the same
thing) Paul Heyman makes his second pick....and our World changes with the addition
of....Mark Jindrak?! What the hell is going on here? Ya, that's what SmackDown needs, more non-descript OVW jarheads. Good
choice. This thing is WORKED, isn't it? Eric Bischoff picks next and chooses..Nidia. This at least makes sense. Nidia
gives the crowd the cheap T & A exhibition by pulling her SmackDown shirt over her head in favor of the RAW one. Wow,
someone sure went to the "Stephanie McMahon School of ridiculously over-sized tits", Hmm, I wonder If I still have time to
enroll there. Heyman has the Line of the night when he says "I hope you go Blind again"
to Nidia in response to her leaving. However, I think if anyone was going to go blind, it would certain people taking advantage
of Nidia's tit-shot, if you catch my drift. John Cena comes out next to a great pop, and cuts a rap on Heyman. John then
makes Heyman's pick for him which turns out to be ....Triple H! Ok, now that's HUGE. HHH dramatically spits his water all
over someone upon hearing this announcement. In a funny note, I just noticed Rico sitting there all jovial in his RAW T-shirt
not five feet away from Kane. Didn't this guy just get his ass kicked like 10 minutes ago? Anyway, the Raw Locker room begins to sing that "Na, na,na,na," song to Triple
H, but part of me was expecting Trips to yell out "Damn, I'm only going to WRESTLE on the other show, I'll still be backstage
booking all your segments Motherfuckers!". Christian Vs. Spike Dudley; This is basically a squash match. At one point,
Spike dramatically rips off his shirt sadly sporting a physique that makes him look like he went to give blood and forgot
to say "when". Also, equally as sad, (in my opinion) is that Trish didn't follow Spike's example and do the same. Throw me
a bone here! Anyway, Christian ends up winning with the Unprettier and he and Trish posture
in the ring. Before Bischoff can make his next pick, he goes looking for Mr. McMahon backstage.
While Bischoff complains, Heyman makes a match between Eddie Guerrero and Triple H for the WWE Title here tonight and Vince
agrees. Bischoff as a counter, then announces whomever his next pick is, would face
Chris Benoit for the World Title tonight, and that man is...Rhyno. Ric Flair & Batista Vs. "Tokin' Blackguy" (RVD & Booker T.)World
Tag team Titles at stake; You know, it's funny, but Flair, despite looking like a walking packet of melted butter these days,
still manages to be more "Over" than 90% of the locker room. These four never really click, and at times the four seem to
have worse chemistry then an all Mongoloid Science Fair. OK maybe I just wanted to use that ridiculous line, sue me. Book
looks to have things in hand with a "Book-end" and subsequent "Ask-kick" on Batista, but Flair breaks it up. RVD then tries
his crazy springboard kick but clobbers Booker by mistake and Batista tosses "Mr. Potato-Hands" to to the floor and finishes
Booker with the Demon Bomb to win the Titles. Paul Heyman makes his next pick, and it's Rob Van Dam! Poor Rob. I can just
picture Triple H coming up to him on Thursday, shovel in hand, saying "Hey Roomie!, Remember me? " Booker and Rob are talking backstage about getting a rematch, when Coach
plays Buzz-killer, and shatters the myth that all the wrestlers are watching the show backstage, and informs Rob that he's
on his way to SmackDown. Chris Benoit Vs. Rhyno. World Heavyweight Title at stake. The battle of the
little arms here commences, as both men lock up collar and elbow, and their chests touch! Poor guys, and they can't even blame
the harsh radioactive fallout of unclean Mars air-ducts like Quato from Total Recall either. For those of you who never saw
Schwarzenegger's Total Recall, shame on you. Decent little match here as hopefully, the new digs will benefit Rhyno. The end
comes when Rhyno goes for the gore but Benoit side-steps allowing The Man-Beast to crash violently into the buckles, Benoit
then takes him down with the crossface for the submission. Shawn Michaels approaches Bischoff and demands to be traded to SmackDown
so he can FINISH it with Triple H. If he means getting them both into a car and driving it off a cliff, I'm TOTALLY for that.
Just kidding. Bischoff however "wheels and deals" and offers HBK a Title shot at Benoit at Backlash instead. HBK then says
"Hunter?...Shmunter!".. I'll take the title shot." OK, I have nothing here. Tajiri is picked by Bischoff next and in an interesting side note, Tajiri's
one hour TV Title reign is mentioned in his list of accomplishments, but Van Dam's 2 year reign was not. Weird shit. Heyman chooses Theodore Long next, and Jazz seems pissed off. Maybe it's
due to the fact that she has more testosterone flowing through her body than every testicle in the room, I don't know. Bischoff then chooses the returning Edge. Heyman then makes his last pick...Spike Dudley. Shannon Moore is then heard
committing suicide, tearfully yelling, "I thought I was SmackDown's plucky little guy who gets his ass kicked?!"...Upon hearing
that, Funaki follows suit....This carries on until 2/3 of the Cruiserweight locker room are dead..... Bischoff then makes his final pick..Paul Heyman!. Heyman doesn't like this
one bit, and decides to quit rather than work under Da Bisch. Unfortunately for us, this leaves no SD General Manger, although
I expect that a certain gigantic looming shadow will return this Thursday mowing down all the "heat" of whatever segment she's
involved in like the Giant Boulder in Raiders of The Lost Ark. As Heyman is seen leaving, Edge's music hits, and he comes out accompanied
by a very uncomfortable pair of leather pants. Edge doesn't get the reaction I'd expect for a returning superstar, as the
bulk of the cheers were of the high pitched nature if you know what I mean, as across the country countless little girls clutched
their copies of Tiger Beat in anticipation. Edge comes into the ring and "spears" Bischoff for no logical reason. That, and
the fact that the spear in question was thrown with as much intensity as a playful game of Father and son backyard touch football.
Kind of disappointing considering where Edge was before the surgery. Eddie Guerrero Vs. Triple H; WWE Championship on the line. Good suspenseful
match here, as there was a good chance, considering his history, that Trips could win the belt here. Both men narrowly avoid
defeat at each others hands until Flair & Batista come out. HHH goes for the WWE Title to use on Eddie, as Flair has the
Referee tied-up, but, HBK runs in and lays Hunter out with a Superkick. Eddie goes up, presumably for the Frog-splash, when
Christian(?!) pushes him off the top, drawing a DQ. SmackDown & Raw Talent continuously spill out of the dressing room
and brawl. I particularly mark out as in the sea of Red & Blue shirts, I spot Stone Cold punching Billy Gunn in the face.
Good sauce any which way you slice it. The show goes off the air while everyone continues to brawl. Well, Not a bad show by any means, but given the hype involved, it didn't
really shake up the WWE like it proposed. However, I can't complain, as other than RVD, there really wasn't any terrible exchanges,
and it's probably in Triple H (and everyone else on RAW's) best interest to try to refreshen his character on SmackDown, since
he's accomplished everything he could on Raw. That, and the fact that SmackDown needs a "Super Heel" in Lesnar's absence. Highlight Raw Report: (03/29/04) The show opens with Evolution (Flair, Batista & Orton). Flair sings the
praises of Randy Orton and hands the mike off to Randy who can barely speak because his throat is in such a bad way (Tonsils
out). Foley interrupts and congratulates Orton on defeating an 'Actor' and a 'Children's Author' 3 on 2 at Wrestlemania. Foley
then accepts Orton's challenge for Backlash, but only if the match is No Holds Barred and Evolution is banned from ringside.
Huh? I don't mean to knit-pick, but this storyline has more holes than Scott Steiner's ass cheeks. If the match is no holds
barred, then why couldn't Evolution interfere? And what penalty would there be if they did? OK end ramble. It's Foley, so
I won't complain. Backstage, Grenier, Conway, & Garrison Cade "haze" newcomer Tajiri by
asking him to spit mist in the next person's face who comes through the door. It turns out to be Coach, who hilariously over
acts here. Tajiri is lucky this is the initiation on Raw, as only Heaven knows what the poor SmackDown recruits have to face
over there. One can imagine it may contain Bradshaw, a hot shower, and a Vaseline drenched rolled-up Wall Street Journal.... Nidia Vs. Molly Holly; Nidia has been added to Raw to inject some "new blood"
into Raw's Women's division (not to mention a few other places...) Molly is playing up the wig gimmick again, and hopefully
for her sake, the hair grows back faster then it did for Kurt Angle. Good match here which is won by Nidia when she attempts
a bulldog but rips off Molly's wig instead. Molly recoils in embarrassment allowing Nidia to get a quick School-girl roll
up (not to be confused with Jerry Lawler) for the win. The Hurricane comes out, but is quickly laid out from behind by Triple H.
H's then cuts the usual promo on his worth, and demands Bischoff put him back in the Main Event at Backlash, which HHH gets,
only it's a Triple threat rematch instead of a one on one with Benoit, because according to Bischoff, going back on his word
with HBK is illegal. Illegal? And Superkicking a guy and stealing his contract is standard legal practice? My head hurts. Shelton Benjamin accompanied by shit-eating grin, gets laid out by Evolution
backstage. Lance Storm is in the ring and finally disposes of the dancing gimmick, but
surprisingly makes no mention of "not really having a gigantic penis" as WWE storylines had suggested. Can't say I blame him. Rhyno Vs. Lance Storm; Rhyno is apparently a Face now. Rhyno squashes Lance
anyway with the gore in about 30 seconds. Wow, considering how buried Rhyno was on SmackDown, they must really LOVE Lance. Tajiri attempts to go to Bischoff to explain what happened with Coach, but
Coachman is already there and he manipulates Bisch into putting Tajiri into a match with Kane. Ric Flair & Batista Vs. HBK & Chris Benoit; World Tag team Title
at stake; Gotta love Flair who although 55 Years old, injured and physically resembling one of those 7-11 hotdogs in the rotating
dish, still manages to be the most OVER guy on the roster. Eric Bischoff's apprentice Johnny Spade is special Referee, and
I smell a shenanigan (TM. Chavo Guerrero). Before the match, Johnny announces that he'll now be known as Johnny Nitro and
somewhere in a lonely corner "Just Joe" sits and wonders why he too couldn't have had a cool last name. The opening moments here were a little awkward as both Michaels and Flair
felt eachother out and Batista at times looked more lost than Tori Spelling at a MENSA meeting. Things picked up eventually,
although Johnny Nitro looked a little lost as Referee. At one point Jim Ross makes light of Johnny's giant belt buckle asking
if he's going to rodeo after the matches. THIS coming from a guy who wears a hat so stupidly huge that it could house a small
Cambodian boat family. Anyhoo... Batista gets double clotheslined out and Benoit hits Flair with the diving headbutt, to which
HBK follows suit with some Chin music to seemingly win the Tagteam Titles. Strangely, HBK & Benoit are all hugs and 'good
times' after the bell like they were teenage girls on the last day of school. Strange. Anyway, the celebration doesn't last
too long as Johnny restarts the match because Flair apparently wasn't the *legal* man. HBK gets fed up with Nitro soon after
and pastes him with a right hand- drawing the DQ. Shelton Benjamin complains to Bischoff backstage about Evolution. Someone
made mention to me that Shelton bore a striking resemblance to "Bubba" from Forrest Gump. I didn't think too much about it
until Steve Austin gave him a pep talk. Bubba buddying up with a redneck with heavy knee braces? Could we be seeing the formation
of our version of the Bubba Gump shrimp company? Shrimpin' ain't easy! Anyway, all kidding aside, Austin tells Benjamin to
take it to Triple H, and the match is on for later tonight. The Highlight Reel is next with Jericho's guest: Trish Stratus. They recap
the old story of "Boy meets Girl, Boy bets the World's most devalued currency that he can 'bed' her, so girl gets even by
seducing his best friend who although also in on the bet, and physically abusive towards her, is a better catch, because.....ah
forget it. Jericho berates her by dusting the mothballs off the old Stephanie McMahon liner of "Dirty, disgusting, Brutal,
bottom-feeding Trash-bag ho". Jericho also makes several other funny derogatory remarks towards her, which is OK because according
to WWE storytelling, ALL women are Evil and will turn on you eventually. Trish then leaves in a huff. Trish goes running to Christian who soothes her pain with a big uncomfortable
looking Looney Tunes style abominable snowman hug. "I'll Love her, and squeeze her...." Tajiri Vs. Kane; Kane really phoned this in, expending about as much energy
as Christopher Reeve in a Potato sack race. Tajiri after being dominated gets the *fluke* win by countout after spraying the
green mist in his face. Kane then decimates Tajiri with a chokeslam post-match, and looks to again when Edge runs in and hits
the "OK Goldberg's gone, so I guess I can use this" spear on the Big Red Machine. Chris Benoit gives Shelton a big pep talk which leads us to: HHH Vs. Shelton Benjamin; Very good match here which the crowd eats up. The
two have great chemistry, and the story here is that Shelton is hanging move for move with The Game. The crowd bites on all
the near falls and Shelton looks to have things in hand when Ric Flair saunters out. This brings out Benoit as well, evening
the score. Ric Flair eventually does get involved and nails Benjamin while HHH had the referee distracted. Benoit chases Flair,
and this temporarily distracts The Game allowing Shelton to catch him from behind with a huge Stinger splash and subsequent
roll-up for the shocking win! Excellent stuff by both men. HHH sells his disbelief as the show fades out. This really was a one match show, but what a match it was. This is another
case where the hot crowd MADE this one work, as they solidly got behind Benjamin. Thumbs up for the match, and the "new" HHH
as well. Highlight:
HHH Vs. Shelton; Hopefully we've seen a new star made here, and not another Hurricane/Rock situation. Kudos to Triple H for
doing the right thing yet again, and all done without making himself seem weaker. This is how you do it. Lowlight:
Kane; He seems to be unmotivated lately, and after the kibosh was put on his Summer push last year, who can blame him? |
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