Smackdown Report: (02/05/04)

Paul Heyman opens the show and promises to name the number one contender to the WWE Title at Wrestlemania, tonight.

Phat & Useless (Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty) Vs. The Bashams; WWE Tag team Titles at stake; The Smackdown Tag team division is truly a sad state of affairs these days, so much so that the WWE had to travel back in time to 2000 and transport Rikishi & Scotty to the arena for this match. As much as I deplore the quasi-retarded hip-hop routine, Scotty at least always works hard. Not a bad little match here, and The Bashams are definitely improving. Scotty goes for the Worm at one point, but Maniqua plays buzz-killer and trips him up. However, Scotty does recover and slingshots Doug Basham directly into the Samoan Drop or "Drop" as it's known in Samoa, by Rikishi to bag the Titles cleanly. Wow. Well, hopefully this is just a transition between Haas & Benjamin getting the belts back, because I don't think the WWE would actually place a ridiculously colorful hip-hop Tagteam in a milestone Wrestlemania...Oh wait...

Dawn Marie and Paul Heyman enter John Cena's locker room to tell him that Paul's cleaning up Smackdown's crassness for the youth of America because, lets face it, bad language may offend the people trying to enjoy the women being piledrived through tables.

Big Show Vs. Billy Gunn; U.S. Title at stake(?!), You are not dreaming, Big Show is actually defending title, and thank goodness, he was coming pretty close to that mandatory 150 day rule...

You know it's bad when they put multiple rest-holds in a Big Show match. Do you REALLY need to slow down a Show match ANY more? Billy Gunn completes the circle by giving some of the silliest facials I've ever seen (not to be confused with the "facials" that Patterson gives Grenier). Billy actually hits the Lame-asser and almost gets the win, but stupidly attempts another, but this time is caught by Show, and a modified chokeslam finishes. See you in August for Show's next defense.

You know, all 'kayfabe' considered, if you want to work on psychology in the WWE, maybe have Gunn not signal the Fame-Asser by slapping his leg everytime, cause you know, *someone* MIGHT actually see it coming one of these days...

"Chavos Squared" are with Heyman backstage, and Paul announces that Chavo Jr. will face Rey Mysterio at the PPV, while tonight, Senior will get that task.

In the Ring, Michael Cole, who's face, for the record, looks like it just gave birth to a twelve pound monkey (just saying) introduces Eddie Guerrero. Brock Lesnar interrupts the spiel and says he's not afraid of Bill Goldberg who at this moment is probably enjoying a free bowl of soup somewhere. Eddie says that he's always had to overcome obstacles and battle his demons. He then tells Brock that the voices in his head are telling him that Lesnar is his next obstacle. Voices? Damn. If this guy is hearing voices while he's sober, Just how fucked up was this guy on drugs then?...

Lesnar then gets all in his business until Eddie snaps, and knocks Brock from the ring and puts on his Title.

They recap The Undertaker "Ring" schtick from RAW with "Blue Man Group's" Kane. And 7 days have passed, and Kane is still alive, so he must've made a copy of that video. Hey, try Albert, I heard he's a movie Buff!

Jamie Noble Vs. Billy Kidman; Kidman will be accompanied for this match by a very unflattering pair of tights. Very short match here that sees Nidia interfere and distract Noble by tossing the money in his wallet into the crowd. Kidman capitalizes and hits a Sky-High powerbomb for the duke. For the record, Nidia looks like she's had some eye work done (which would explain the sunglasses) in addition to her boob-job, but, the schnozz is still the same? What gives? All or nothing baby. I kid Nidia.

They show Rey Mysterio's new *Music* video. Konnan must be rolling over in his grave..... What do you mean he's still alive? Well at least it's not Master P. There was, thankfully, a lot of good looking broads in the video, although in my experience, Women don't usually take to the guys who approach them in masks...Just saying.

They show more Raw footage this time of Austin offering Goldberg a *ticket* to No Way Out, as the WWE continues to boot fuck the Brand extension to death.

Rue "what is my job here again? DeBona reveals that get this, Sable & Torrie are getting the Playboy shoot! SURPRISE! They then show some footage of the shoot and tragically, after the first Camera bulb flash, they unfortunately lose Sable, who crumples into dust...

Rey Mysterio Vs, Chavo Guererro Sr.; Non-Title match. To the untrained eye, it would look as if Rey was beating the shit out of Cheech Marin here. I can just picture it: "Why is he hurting Cheech?! He only smoked a little pot, he never hurt anybody!"... This is somewhat of a squash match as Rey finishes with a 619 with Chavo selling it like he was shot. Chavo Jr. then blindsides Rey-Rey after the match and beats him down.

Kurt Angle Vs. the slowly diminishing push (Thank God) of Bob Holly; Kurt Angle does come out of this one alive thankfully as he's clocked more than one year of experience thus earning Horse-Shoe's undying respect. All kidding aside, this was a very solid match. To the WWE's credit they have almost made Holly seem like a credible threat. However, Kwang The Ninja was not so lucky. Holly hits the Alabama Slam, once idiotically named The Holly-caust (I'm not kidding) but that apparently upset a few people (Not named Heidenreich anyway). Angle survives said move of mass genocide and hits a sloppy Angle Slam for a two of his own. Holly counters an ankle lock, But Kurt persists and applies another and scissors the leg for the tap out, and see ya Bob, you'll always have that video of Royal Rumble to look back on.

Paul Heyman comes out and looks like he's going to announce Kurt as number one contender, when Big Show comes out, and damn, it must be the Summer of George, because I'll be damned if Show isn't completely draped in velvet. Angle and Show bicker over who should go to Wrestlemania when John Cena's music hits and he interjects himself. He cuts a rap on both Show and Angle and they DEMAND he be added to the mix at No Way Out. Heyman reluctantly agrees and Cena closes the show with some profanity.

Well that was what it was.

Highlight: Angle Vs. Holly; Good match, clean finish. 'Nuff Said.

Lowlight: Rey Vs. Chavo Sr. was a little painful to watch, but it was just plot enhancement so it's forgivable. Apparently there was a Cat/Tajiri match that was cut from the broadcast, that ends with a three way partnership with Cat, Orlando Jordan and their good friend, complete and total fucking apathy. Sorry I missed that.

Smackdown Report: (02/12/04)

Show opens with clips of Raw from this past Monday with Goldberg & Paul Heyman. And you wonder why no one takes the brand extension seriously?

Rey Mysterio Vs. Tajiri; Rey is accompanied by "Interchangeable Flamboyant Mexican Boxer # 354"....actually my Dad, who is a huge boxing aficionado, would pimp slap me for not knowing who he is. This is a very short Cruiserweight match, which is a shame considering the two's past chemistry. Very paint by numbers stuff here given the time restraints, but Rey gets the obligatory 619 and finishes with the spring-board senton. After the match, Chavo Guerrero Jr. and Senior hit the ring and Junior beats down Rey-Rey, until Paez makes the save. Chavo Senior gets all up in Paez's business, and Jorge fills the asinine dancing quota left void by the Cat's firing, and lays the old "Scotty 'One Punch Bingo' Flamingo" on the elder Chavo, and all without the aid of corner men Vinnie Vegas & Dallas Page to boot! (Ten points to anyone who remembers this reference)

Michael Cole stretches his acting chops by getting angry at Goldberg for "spearing" Paul Heyman. And by "stretching his acting chops" I mean being a complete tool. I'm sorry, but I can't take a tough and angry Cole seriously. It may be because he looks like he's in an all gay Puerto Rican boy band, but whatever. Tazz was cool though.

Brock and Heyman converse backstage on Goldberg. Brock states that after he's through with Homeless Bill, the crowd will be chanting "Who's Goldberg?" Which doesn't quite roll off the tongue at all if you ask me.

Scotty 2 Hotty Vs. Danny Basham; Rikishi is in Scotty's corner complete with comfy "Phat Wear", which is like a track suit for overweight gangsters. Oh well, he's miserable, so he might as well be comfortable. These two really never click, but that may have more to do with Scotty being COMPLETELY FUCKING RIDICULOUS. The 1999 schtick was cute and funny in can just Wrestle now Scott, Russo's been gone for YEARS. Anyway, Danny avoids the worm (Wish the same could be said for Grenier) and gets a Doug assisted pin of Scotty in the corner.

After the match, Rikishi attempts to deliver a banzai drop on Maniqua, but, she gets pulled to safety. And we have a Tagteam Title handi-cap match at the PPV to look forward to too. Yay.

Chavo Junior is backstage cutting a promo on Rey. He states that at No Way Out he'll take the title and Rey's MASK too. I wonder what Rey really looks like?..Oh wait. Anyway, losing the mask might be a good idea for Rey before WWE's tour of Mexico forthcoming. Apparently the Mexicans get really pissed when you lose your mask, then continue on wearing it.

Hardcore Holly Vs. Rhyno; Wow has Holly's Push gone up in smoke faster than RVD and Woody Harrelson combined, or what? I could've sworn I saw "mid card Rhyno" say "welcome back Bob, you've been missed " at one point. Ok match here, but I have to question why the wrestlers have to break out the restholds in 3 minute matches. Rhyno hits a wicked Arn Anderson-esque spinebuster and looks to gore, but Holly counters with the "BEST DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS" but unfortunately for Bob, he can't follow up because all he has is "THE BEST DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS". All kidding aside, Rhyno gets DQ'd when he pie-faces the Referee. The crowd shits all over this finish.

Kurt Angle is laid out in the back (presumably with a chair that is laid conveniently across his back. Why does everyone who lays people out always drop the chairs in the same spot? It's as if it's just placed there for effect or something...) Anyway, Orlando "Blanks" is on the scene thankfully, and he's off the hook as far as I'm concerned, because the staunch mental discipline that comes with Tae Bo would not allow him to pull off such a dastardly act.

A Mariachi band is in the ring and we're joined by Seignior Lesnar complete with stereotypical sombrero. Brock's Mexican hat dance has to be seen to be believed. Hilarious stuff. Brock leads the Mariachi Band in song until Eddie runs in and breaks up the party. In a side note, I found it particularly hilarious that one of the Mariachi's was able to get himself and his stupid giant Mexican Guitar out of the ring with more speed and grace than 3/4 of the roster....

Brock comes back into the ring and calls Eddie an addict and tells him he won't "overcome the odds" at the PPV again. Eddie then shoots on himself and his past problems, even relaying a bizarre story about getting high in the shoer room in Minneapolis and not remembering what happened, which is probably a good thing too, since Bradshaw was the last one seen leaving after Eddie.... Very good promo by Guerrero that basically says that winning the WWE Title this Sunday will redeem him. He then says "And when I do win, I am going to get so fucking high, it'll be crazy!"... Just kidding.

Shelton Benjamin Vs. Bradshaw; Oh by the way, Faarooq is back. It's funny, but it seems like no one even remembers him being gone in the first place. One cool spot in this one sees Shelton block an attempted Clothesline from Hell by putting up both elbows. Not sure how it came across to the live crowd though, but fuck them anyway. Bradshaw continues to sell the arm/shoulder as Shelton administers some snug submissions. (That's the way to use a resthold folks, stuff that actually looks PAINFUL.) Bradshaw however ends up getting the "Clothesline from that place you go when your live a life of unadulterated Sin" for the win anyway.

Jamie Noble comes out and offers Nidia a way out this Sunday, give up all the stuff he bought for her and move out of his house. Good enough for me. However, Nidia is having nothing of it, and she and her "friends" along with a very convenient woodchipper drive into the aisle. Nidia is in serious ham mode here and she ends up feeding the mink coat into the woodchipper, much to the joy/horror of the good people of P.E.T.A.. Damn, it's a good thing they didn't buy a dog together, that's all I'm saying...

Oh and the match at the PPV will see Noble blind folded.

Rue "Gives me" DeBona interviews Sable and Torrie about Playboy. Rue asks why Playboy chose them for the magazine, Sable replies it's because they're the sexiest "Divas" and not that WWE couldn't get anyone else to do it. A lot of Stupid giggly shit here. There was probably a few losers out there dick-in-hand though to be sure though, you know, besides me that is...I kid.

Brock Lesnar & Big Show Vs. Eddie Guerrero & John Cena; Cena replaces the injured Kurt Angle in this one. Cena starts and pretty much works this entire match, which is surprising considering Eddie is the more varied worker. It gets a little slow in the middle as Cena is unable to make the tag. Once he does though, Brock and Eddie show some great chemistry, and Brock in turn bumps like madman. Kurt Angle eventually comes down to the ring with a chair and lays out both Show, then Cena, which draws the ire of the crowd. Meanwhile, Eddie takes advantage of the distraction and bags Lesnar with Cena's chain and gets the academic pin.

The show goes off the air as Cole & Tazz do the hard-sell that Eddie can "Lie, Cheat, and Steal" his way to the Title this Sunday.

Not a particularly stellar show, but nothing horrendous either. But considering it was the last SD before the PPV, it wasn't that great a lead in. Eddie getting the pin tonight, is usually "Rasslin' code" that you will lose at the PPV, but I'm still not sure. Actually now that I think about it, that may only apply to HHH matches....

Highlight: Eddie Guerrero; Whether on the stick, or in the ring, Eddie stole the show tonight. Props go to Lesnar as well.

Lowlight: Scotty Vs. Danny Basham; Nothing bad, but nothing special either. 2000 called Scotty, they want their gimmick back.


Smackdown Report: (02/19/04)

Paul Heyman opens the show by video, informing us that Brock Lesnar has the night off, and that Eddie will defend the WWE Title against Chavo Guerrero tonight, with a special Referee calling the action.

Kurt Angle comes to the ring and congratulates Eddie Guerrero on being the new WWE Champion. He then leads the crowd in a chant of hip-hip-hooray in Eddie's honor until John Cena interrupts. Cena makes light of Angle's "whiteness" which is kind of like the pot calling the kettle, um, white? I don't know. The two trade insults until Paul Heyman appears on the screen and informs them that they have a tag team match against the Bashams, next.

Kurt Angle & John Cena Vs. Doug & Danny Basham; Shaniqua and her penis have apparently been demoted to OVW for re-tooling (or de-tooling perhaps?). Danny looks to be wearing a trash bag for tights here, which is some how strangely apropos. I kid, Danny. Decent little match that sees Angle look to finish with the ankle lock, but Danny shoves him off, directly into a Cena hot-tag who promptly disposes of Danny Basham with a Big FU (as if losing to Rikishi & Scotty didn't say that already.)

Winners: Angle & Cena;

Backstage we see Heyman lying on the couch and we get a nice shot of Simon Diamond's "bounty" as Dawn Marie leans over him in a low cut dress. Dawn says that Rey Mysterio wants to see him. Rey tells Paul that he wants a rematch with Chavo, and Heyman tells him that Chavo will face Eddie tonight for the WWE Title and if Chavo wins, Rey will get a shot at both Titles next week.

Eddie Guerrero comes out to a monster pop, and celebrates his big Title win by coming through the people. They go all out and drop balloons and confetti from the ceiling. Both Chavos (senior & junior) interrupt the festivities and Chavito questions where his balloons and pyro are, and why there's no celebration for his Cruiserweight Title victory. Chavo comes off very Owen-like in his delivery here, but hopefully not too Owen-like, or else it may not be just balloons falling from the ceiling next time.... OK, I'm an asshole, sue me. Chavo informs us that that the special referee for his match will be....Chavo Guerrero Sr.!

Big Show Vs. Hardcore Holly; U.S. Title is on the line, also up for grabs is total fucking apathy. The story here is Holly working on Show's legs. He finally take Show's knee out and hits a big leg drop off the top rope, but this just pisses the Giant off and Holly eats a chokeslam for his troubles.1,2,3, winner: Big Show. Well, so much for Bob's "push". He's about one step away from full race-car jammies again at this point.

John Cena comes out and challenges Big Show for the U.S. Title at Wrestlemania. Show accepts.

Josh Matthews is seen backstage. Josh looks to have his hair frosted, which for the record makes him look at at least ten years gayer. Josh informs us that Brock Lesnar IS here tonight.

Brock comes out and cuts a very tearful promo on how he was robbed of the WWE Title by Eddie Guerrero. Apparently he made some very racist statements that were edited off the actual broadcast, probably stopping just short of saying: "What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Octopus? I don't know, but man can it pick A LOT of lettuce!"....

Brock pleads to Vince to give him Goldberg at Wrestlemania, even going so far as to assume the Patterson position (on his knees) and beg Vince (who's not there) for the match.

The amphibious Sable, and Torrie are seen "pimping" their Playboy appearance on various Morning shows. Sable then shocks the hosts by quickly slurping up a near-by fly with her tongue....

Chavo Senior is seen unconscious with only Angle and one man charisma machine Orlando Jones seen on the scene. Heyman asks what happened? And Angle said there's a maniac on the loose attacking people. As Heyman & Angle argue, in the background Bradshaw is seen dragging Senior by the feet into a near-by broom closet...OK, that last part is bullshit.

After the break, Angle is informed by Heyman that Kurt will be the new special Referee.

Eddie Guerrero Vs. Chavo Guerrero; WWE Title match; This match was given a lot more time than they had at Royal Rumble, but that's probably because they didn't have to compete with Old Dick-nose and his 25 minute World Title matches here. Match of the night thus far, but that is to be expected. Chavo uses Eddie's rolling vertical suplexes and goes up for the Frog splash but misses. Eddie rebounds with some Verticals of his own, then a back suplex to set up the Frog-splash which connects. However, Kurt REFUSES to count and attacks Eddie instead, bloodying him. Rey Mysterio runs in to make the save but Angle catches a springboard senton attempt and turns his insides into black bean dip with a nasty powerbomb. Kurt then pitches Rey over the top, and delivers a belt shot to Eddie to close the show.

This was a very strange show, with only three matches. But, we got a hot Main Event, and the return of the REAL Kurt Angle, so I can't complain.

Highlight: The Angle turn. Perfectly done, and finally adds a motive to Kurt and Eddie and Mania;

Lowlight: Sable & Torrie Wilson coverage; I'm only picking this because they're giving TV time to an angle that'll cost someone their spot at Wrestlemania.

Smackdown Report: (02/26/04)

Show comes to us from Kansas city tonight;

Rey Mysterio Vs. Nunzio Vs. Jamie Noble Vs. Billy Kidman; This fourway is to supposedly determine whom will face Chavo at Wrestlemania. Decent match ensues but it was spottier than your Grandmother's mottled arms. In the middle of the match, they cut backstage to see WWE Champion, Eddie Guerrero barging into Paul Heyman's office and demanding answers about last weeks attack.

They cut back to the match where said high-spots are in full bloom, until Paul Heyman comes out with Tajiri, Sakoda & Akio and haults the match. Heyman says that at Wrestlemania, there will be a "Cruiserweight Open" , and any cruiserweight is eligible to compete, except of course Ultimo Dragon...just "because".

Scotty 2 Hotty & Rikishi Vs. A.P.A.; Non-title match; The only thing that could make this one stink of 1999 anymore is if professional drowned-rat X-Pac jumped in front of the camera with a mighty crotch chop. OK match, but nothing to call home about. At one point Rikishi looks to "Back that Ass up" on Bradshaw, but I got to ask, is that really the best idea considering his history? Bradshaw escapes said Ass, and Rikishi instead Samoan drops Faarooq until the Bashams make an appearance just in case anyone forgot how fucking lousy the SD tag division is. The distraction allows Bradshaw to hit the Clothesline from Hell on Kish who tries the 360 roll but lands awkwardly on his shoulder. Bradshaw then scores the pin.

Well that may be it for Rikishi for a while. Maybe Scotty still has Brian Christopher on speed-dial. If the WWE will have him back, that is. For those who don't remember why he was fired in the first place though, well, lets just say say that he hid "balloons" in crazier places than a Children's-party Clown.

Brock reveals that he gave Stone Cold an F5 on Raw because Stone Cold gave Goldberg his ticket to "No Way Out". Just a side note here, haven't you ever notice that whenever a wrestler buys a "ticket" to a PPV, that he only shows up 3/4 through the show? It doesn't say too much when your own paid employees can't stomach the full three hours...Just saying.

Eddie Guerrero comes out and "shoots" on himself, saying that he is going take this Title reign the same way he does his alcohol and drug recovery, one day at a time. I commend you Eddie, in fact, let us all drink a toast to Eddie Guerrero!...

Guerrero then calls out Kurt Angle as his anger builds. Eddie is so awesome here with his intensity and decides that if Kurt isn't going to come out here, he'll go back and get him instead.

Eddie is then shown backstage where he sees Angle and in a fit of rage pushes Heyman aside who's blocking his path, and that accidentally sends Dawn Marie into a wall. Heyman won't stand for violence against women here though...unless fire or tables are involved.... and has Eddie *arrested*. Sheesh.

Do we really need another Arrest angle? Is there not a better way to build heat than the anti-authority figure getting taken away by Police? What's next? Next week Eddie brings a truck to the ring and sprays paste picante all over Angle? Ok I just wanted to work "paste-picante" into a wrestling rant somewhere, I admit it.

Brock Lesnar Vs. Billy Gunn; This was a strange match in that they had it go about 7 or 8 minutes. An enraged Brock really should have crushed Billy so hard that Chuck's remaining "Benwa balls" would shoot from his ass like heavy mortar fire. Oh well, got to protect Billy I guess. Very slow-paced boring match, that honestly that I blame Billy for more than Brock because, umm, I hate Billy. Anyway Brock really needs to vary his restholds from that lazy bear hug of DEATH. The only thing missing from this visual is Brock slowly sipping a frosty moccachino while perusing a newspaper. Anyway, Billy goes for his Stinger (Stinker?) splash in the corner but Brock ducks and finishes Billy with an F5. Thank God.

Torrie & Sable come out promoting their "Playboy Evening Gown Match" at Wrestlemania and Torrie thanks us all for jerking off to their pictorial. Ok they didn't say that, but did they really have to? I have no idea what Sable said though, because I muted the volume when she grabbed the mic. But even that didn't help my dog who began bleeding from the ears then keeled over dead. He was 5.

John Cena THANKFULLY ends the pain by coming out. Before he can rap on the two "divas" though, he stops and looks up, pointing to the ceiling. Well, it is Kemper Arena, and it's probably best to keep an eye on up there.....

Rey Mysterio then comes out and this strangely segues into:

John Cena & Rey Mysterio Vs. Big Show & Chavo Guerrero; This was the best match of the night by far. Since I'm too tired to remember all the logistics of this one, let me just say that after about 10,000 times, you think SOMEONE would learn that it's stupid to try and powerbomb Rey, just saying. John Cena ends up taking Show out on the floor and Show spills into the crowd. Back in the ring, Rey manages to roll clear of Chavo's Frog splash and finishes clean with a 619.

Chavo Sr. jumps Rey from behind, but Cena's right there with a big FU waiting for him. Show then gets his "heat" back by chokeslamming both Rey and Cena.

Kurt Angle comes out for his big explanation as to why he turned on Eddie last week. He says he did it for America, and I kept waiting for him to say : "Eddie, it's U.S.A. , not You, Esse" Kurt then tells us that a drug addict should not be WWE Champion (He should be President! I kid, George W.) Kurt delivers the promo very well and believable. Evil Kurt is so infinitely superior to babyface Kurt. Eddie Guerrero then runs in and attacks Kurt as Heyman and the cops pull him off Angle.

The show fades out as Eddie is seen being loaded into the cruiser while Angle chastises him.

Great ending segment.

Well, this really was the Eddie show. Everything he (and Kurt) did was pure GOLD, but unfortunately the rest of the show was flatter than a Korean gymnast.

Highlight: The Angle segment. He got over a believable reason for his turn, and added the all important "story" to what will likely steal the show at Wrestlemania.

Lowlight:Torrie & Sable. Hey I wonder what they look like in their Underwear?.....