Smackdown (05/01/03)

The show opens up with footage of The Big Show/ Rey Mysterio spot from Backlash. It's obvious that WWE is getting back on that Show/Lesnar horse, which makes little sense since they milked everything out of that program just about two months ago,it's just another example of WWE logic, no explanation needed.

The first match is Los Guerrero's against Matt Hardy & Shannon Moore; Eddie and Chavo come out with the belts that they stole from Team Angle at the PPV. A very solid Tagmatch ensues and after some "Guerrero" cheating (A Belt shot to Matt from Chavo) Eddie finishes Version 1 with his frog splash. Team Angle rns-in after and attempts to retrieve their belts but are thwarted by The Guerrero's for their efforts;

Steph is interviewed by Josh Matthews who asks Stephanie "Who is Mr. America?" Steph answers "I don't know" apparently she hired him without ever knowing his identity. Is this standard hiring practice in business? Although blind hiring would explain the gainful employment of Nathan Jones. Steph is about to go into Mr. America's dressing room when Haas & Benjiman ask her to have Los Guerrero's return the stolen belts, Steph agrees and tries to be funny using the side splitting humour that only she (and apparently not Paul Heyman ) is capable of writing.

After the commercial, Steph is shown dejected, coming out of Mr. America's lockerroom, my guess is that someone showed her the Ratings since she's been head writer.

Big Show Vs. Funaki; Big Show cuts the standard "I'm big" promo, then squashes Funaki, pinning him with a clothesline after teasing the chokeslam. WWE is apparently playing up the angle that the locker room is disgusted with Show for his Rey antics, the animousity however has nothing to do with the fact that he makes a million dollars a year for being the companies biggest piece of luggage.

Joe nobody comes in to talk to Stephanie (although he's wearing one of those gimmicked Cyrus-style name tags so he's "legit") an tries to console her, he tells her that Vince is on his way to the arena.

John Cena fresh off his "push" now has to pay the price for getting over as he is removed from the Main Event scene, (An Undertaker "receipt" for his "putting over" is not to long off aswell) Brian Kendrick comes out all 1990 Flava Flav style and actually gets Referee Brian Hebner to give him a "beat" as he rapped 80's style on Cena. This was way more entertaining than it had any right to be. Spanky paid for his rap when the Dean of Thuganomics pulverized Kendrick with an F-U (Death Valley Driver),.... Maestro Fresh wes was transported from 1989 to make the save but to no avail. (I'm kidding)

F.B.I. gets the vignette treatment as they play dice with some guy and it pointlessly ends with them bragging about their midcard violence over the last few weeks.(although anything that keeps Nathan Jones and his clown shoes out of the ring is A-Ok with this guy)

Chris Benoit Vs. Johnny Stamboli; Benoit is seemingly trapped in the midcard nexus of the universe as his Royal Rumble 5-star match with Angle seems to be a distant memory on the bookers minds. Longstory short this match is transformed into a Tagmatch when Rhyno and Chuck Palumbo (who looked more like greasy spoon diner fry-cook than a "wiseguy" in his white wifebeater and dirty jeans) Nunzio interferes and reverses over Benoit's attempted pinfall of Palumbo into an awkward rollup by Chuck for the win, Average match;

Steph is shown talikng to "Daddy" on her cell, and encouraging him not to come to the arena.

Brock pulls up in a giant Hummer (not to be confused with the giant hummer Missy Hyatt was known to service the "boys" with in the late 80's) Steph shakes his hand and asks him what he's doing here, Brock says he has unfinished business here tonight;

After the commercial, Brock comes out sporting his now infamous "shit-eating" grin, he gets on a mic and cuts down Big Show, he claims that Rey Mysterio has a big heart, ( I'm pretty sure theres a medical procedure that can remedy that) Big Show comes out and accepts Lesnar's challenge, but drops the predictable "but not tonight" liner ....let me guess at the pay-per-view right?- Yay.

Team Angle faces a couple of jobbers in a "WWF superstars prelim flashback". Basic squash sees Team Angle finish jobber #2 with a Hart Attack Superkick, and Haas rolled through the momentum and pinned said jobber. Los Guerrero's come out to return the belts and bottom line, they steal Kurt's Gold medals (its that time of year again!, It's funny how Kurts medals have become the modern day version of Paul Bearer's urn with someone always swiping them for nefarious purposes)

Apparently Torrie is straight again as she is once again repulsed by Sable's lesboin advances. Marc Mero is heard to say he's not comfortable with the homosexual overtones of the angle, as he gently puts on his puse tights and applies his Johnny B. Badd make-up;

Torrie & her Mom Vs. Nidia & Dawn Marie; This match reaches "bowling shoe" levels, as Sable walks out (That Jezebel! wink* to JR) and Dawn finshes with the most lame ginger half crab ever for the submission on Torrie;

Steph panicking tries in vain to get a hold of Vince on her cell, Vince pulls up in his limo, she tells him he can leave,as she has everything under control, and says she'll meet him at the Hotel?!- huh? thats a little uncomfortable. But hey this the same Vince who was once guilty of leering at his own daughters breasts as she wore a low cut wedding dress, so nothing would surprise me. Vince is going nowhere apparently and Steph looks worried.

We close the show with Piper's Pit, Roddy & Sean O'Haire are in the ring and "Hot Rod" retalliates to Jerichos insults basically saying that Y2J has no talent (as opposed to Roddy's Sleeper-hold highspot) Piper brings out Mr. America, who comes out to Real American, its so obvious its Gerald Brisco. Anyway Piper sells the nudge and wink hilarity of Hulkster "fooling" the WWE in his masked gimmick. Get it? He's not Hulk Hogan, he's Mr. America! He can wrestle again because It's not breeching his contract. So by this logic even if you have a restraining order against you, as long as you don a mask you can stalk someone to your hearts content! God Bless the fake legal system! Vince comes out with my Dad's pissed off expression on his face and bowls over Piper to grab the mic, yadda yadda yadda, the three of them try to beat Hulk down and remove his mask to "prove" he's Hogan (WWE logic, I guess the giant yellow walrus mustache billowing out of the mask doesnt give it away-ah never mind) ....Anyway the power of Hulkam-er "Americanamania prevails and Hulk thwarts the heel assault to close the show as Hogan waves Old Glory.

Im trying to be more positive lately as it seems chic to be negative on WWE these days, unforunately outside one match and one segment Cena/Spanky, it was same old same old. And the fact your Champion,Lesnar is mired in the midacard while the antiquated Hogan/Piper/Vince thing is on top, and I fear that Sean O'haire will be fed to the red white and blue appetite of the star spangled Huckster at Judgment Day, halting any progress they'll have in developing a new star, but its WCW, I mean WWE so there you go.

Highlight: From a match prospective The Guerrero's/Hardy/Moore opener was solid, and as I said: Cena/Spanky was a guilty pleasure, although it did little to get Cena over as a tough as nails heel;

Lowlight: Well part of me wants to stop picking on the Women's stuff (god bless you Finlay, your hearts in the right place) however the SD Women's division has not even a moducum of in-ring talent, and unless Sable and Torrie engage in full on hardcore sex on camera, "teasing" this jaded fan is not enough.


Smackdown Report: (05/09/03)

Smackdown opens up with a not at all boring Mr. America recap.- note sarcasm;

Obviously WWE learned nothing from the Wrestle Mania buyrate and is plugging ahead with this storyline regardless as they continue to put the main emphasis on Hogan and Vince while warriors like Chris Benoit are relegated to putting over dead weight performers. Oh well, cest la vie in the WWE.

Vince comes to the ring and gets the "You Screwed Bret" chant to which he agrees and says he'd do it to all of us (current WWE product for example). He calls Stephanie to the ring who is now apparently a babyface (complete with babyfat). Vince asks Steph why she hired "Mr. America" in the first place. Her confusing explanation is that Bischoff wanted to sign him first all without ever knowing his identity. By this reasoning an overweight Koko B. Ware could simply put out PR saying he's a 7' 0" 300 lbs prodigy and automatically get hired by WWE sight-unseen according to WWE's Logic. Hulk Hogan appears by "Satellite" (A.K.A those roofless cardboard rooms the WWE has backstage) and claims he's not really Mr. America, yadda yadda yadda, and says Mr. America will be here tonight. Vince says that he'll rip the mask of Stephanie revealing her to be pardon me... I mean off Mr. America "exposing" him as Hogan.

Matt Hardy Vs. Eddie Guerrero; This not as Cruiserweight Title match as apparently Eddie is above the weight limit, The irony here is Matt is physically bigger than Eddie...or maybe thats supposed to be the joke. (In any event it'd be better if the Cruiserweight belt was on an actual Cruiserweight as I would've prefered Matt as IC Champ more anyway.) Decent yet unextradorinary match ensues that sees Eddie pin Matt after countering an attempted "side-effect" into a roll through.

Team Angle assaults Chavo who was at ringside and retrieves the medals (which are treated as more precious a commidity than the Tag Belts...Oh sweet Irony you are a cruel mistress)

F.B.I. are shown backstage conversing with The Big Show possibly on how to kill ratings with bad skits. ...and oh yeah, Mr. America walks by. But hey! Hulk's in Tampa... whats going on?! (sarcasm note)

Brian Kendrick Vs. Jamie Noble; Very solid little match here complete with flawless selling and good transitions, Kendrick ends up winning with Sliced Bread No. 2, not to be confused with Michael Cole who is White Bread no. 1, for saying the phrase "Beat Box" thus exposing his uber whiteness.

Brock Lesnar sans goofy grin this week challenges Big Show to a Stretcher match (A.K.A. the match where no one really jobs but hey I'm surprised they didn't go with Nash & HHH for that one)

Vince is confronted by Funaki in a pointless segment to inform Vince that Mr. America is on his way to the ring.

Mr. America comes to the ring and after another TV time wasting respect-fest by the crowd he speaks. Vince cuts him off and calls out Steph and demands she rip "Mr. America's mask off. but longstory short Vince gets bumped into Steph and Hogan carries her out. ( I can't wait for Hogan's next embelished book where he tells of the time he pressed the 700 Lbs. Steph brother!)

Stephanie while backstage being examined blames Daddy for her woes, but Vince brushes her off and goes looking for Hogan. (This is the last we see of Hogan & Vince this evening, and in a plus Roddy Piper seems to be renoved from this angle thus allowing workrate to survive another week.)

Torrie Wilson Vs. Dawn Marie; Sable first comes to the ring and justifies her employment by doing nothing. This one was atleast kept short and thank God for that. Torrie wins when she counters a fireman's carry into a sunset flip. After the match Sable challenges Torrie to a "bikini contest" ....Whats the point of watching this when you can see either of them nude anytime you want? its like buying a Prostitute dinner first, hoping she'll put out....Ok its nothing like that but I loved the anology.

Team Angle Vs. Rikishi & Tajiri; Apparently Rikishi and Tajiri are a team now, but this match was surprisingly solid, as Rikishi was used primarily for his "POP" spots. Team Angle continues to improve week in and week out although I'm not sure how good an idea a ladder match is with two green guys even if their opponents are the Guerrero's. An impecably groomed Haas (lovin' those eyebrows) gets the pin on Funaki after their superkick roll through finisher. Good match;

John Cena Vs. Rhyno; Good TV match here that sees "Spanky" who was providing commentary at ringside intefere allowing Rhyno to roll up Cena for the win. Nice to see catch-as-catch-can Wrestling being brought back these days (early Survivor Series Style baby!) Anyway Rhyno tries to Gore Cena on the outside but eats the steps for his trouble when C-Note moves.

Nunzio confronts Brock Lesnar backstage ans slaps him, Lesnar gives chase and ends up being locked in a room by The F.B.I. as Chuck Pulumbo overzealously plows the forklift into the gimmicked cardboard wall nearly breaking it.

With Lesnar incapicitated Big Show will apparently face Benoit one on one instead of the scheduled Tagteam match also featuring A-Train.

Chris Benoit Vs. Big Show; Alot of people have been hard on Benoit lately, saying his work hasn't been up to its usual par, I say to these people: If Benoit cannot get a good match out of an opponent than that opponent is worthless and won't ever have a good match.....and speaking of Big Show he gets a clean win over Benoit with a choke slam here. Watching Benoit makes me see that Show has his spot and HE should be going into the pay-per-view to face the Champion. ....btw Benoit hit the move of the night when he coldcocked Show with a diving headbutt to while Show was standing.

Big Show & A-Train try to put Benoit on a stretcher which looks more like a surfboard.(Part of me wishes that since the WWE is on the Atlantic Coast anyway, that Show would hop on said Boogie-board and paddle out into the Ocean to never be heard from again) ....Lesnar makes the save and gets a little offense in Show & Train before getting chokeslammed down as the show fades to black;

-This was the Antithesis of RAW as it had some solid matches but no good "skits". -But Alas I'll take good Wrestling over listening to bad Comedy any day of the week.

Highlight: The Best match was Spanky against Jamie Noble as it exhibited what you can do with the 4 minutes WWE gives you if you really want to. Also Eddie Vs. Matt and The team Angle match was acceptable wrestling as well.

Lowlight: Mr. America/Hogan Vs. Vince; It wasn't that this wasn't perversely entertaining, however being the focal point of a show that had until recently cough*PaulHeyman*cough been a showcase for younger talent is appalling. As a Sideshow: Fine. as the Main Event: No;


Smackdown Report: (05/15/03)

Unfortunately (or Fortunately, depending on how you look at it) I missed this week's broadcast of Smackdown for the first time since the shows inception. However I did take the liberty of reading varying reports on other Websites to give me the insight to write some generalized observations on this weeks installment.

Mr. America; This angle is almost so bad its entertaining, however it certainly has no business being the focal point of the Smackdown Brand entirely. Hulk Hogan may illicit huge pops to live crowds, however this recation seldomly translates to to ratings and time has proven that Hogan is no longer a viable draw in today's T.V. universe. Coupled with the fact that he's now being handcuffed to an embarassingly bloated Roddy Piper (while a raw talent like Sean O'Haire has been relegated to the Bob Orton role). Mr. America is an amusing way to keep Hogan on TV, but to base the entire broadcast around him while every heel on the roster salivates over facing him as if he's the Champion is insulting to the Championship not to mention the Champion, Smilin' Brock Lesnar.

-They decided on Piper to be the official opponent for "Mr. America" at the pay-per-view, (causing workrate enthusiasts to simultaneously hang themselves from their basement rafters) They also introduced WWE's first one legged Wrestler (not Scott Steiner) Tencious Z, who had his prothetic leg ripped off by The Hot Rod. (That was the only big leg dropped that evening as Hulk had been beaten down by the Piper/O'Haire Duo.) The funny thing is as after teasing all the young crop of up and coming heel's ie Hardy & Cena etc. They decide to go with Piper, whom Hogan had one of the most abysmal matches in recorded history six years ago at Hallowe'en Havoc in arguably the single worst steelcage match in Wrestling history. Well folks guess what, if it was possible to rate a match in negative stars Piper/America will not disappoint. My main problem with this angle to bottom line it is that it's focused around for the most part individuals who have no business being in a ring anymore.

The F.B.I.; For months people on the internet have been clamoring for the creation of new stars, However this is not what they had in mind. The WWE did create some new stars in the Full blooded Italians, however it was the wrong choice as the individuals that should've been pushed ie Benoit, Rhyno, Cena are stll mired in the midcard. Don't get me wrong I'd much rather see F.B.I. than Piper sell worse than a Billy gunn t-shirt, but I am not all that interested in a Soprano's ripoff (and a poor one at that). Besides I find it somewhat hard to take Chuck Palumbo seriously when just 10 months ago he potrayed an out the closet Homosexual, and we all know how the Mafia is tolerant of that lifestyle choice. (Although anyone, angle or not who is responsible for removing the blackhole of workrate Nathan Jones from my T.V. can't be all bad)

John Cena; John Cena is arguably Smackdown's best new star as he's both entertaining on the mic and getting better in the ring (He was trained by Rick Bassman who introduced Sting to wrestling fans and there is no doubt a real simularity in their styles.)but just one month after almost winning the Title , young C-Note's push has been derailed. Infact to my knowledge he doesn't even have a match at the pay-per-view. What a shame. The WWE takes 4 weeks to build him as a serious threat then discards him altogether. The irony is that Cena would likely be Champion if he was 4 inches taller.

Torrie Wilson & Sable; The WWE seems to think that putting these two together is "money". My question however is beyond their physical appearance what do they have to offer? Listen to their intitial pop, it's huge but once the bell rings the crowd dies faster than a cult member drinking koolaid. My main point here is a simple one: The WWE has booked a bikini match, but what is its appeal to the buying audience who can see either naked anytime they want in Playboy magazine? Unless one (or both) gets naked on camera this one can do nothing but tease and disappoint. (Remember the Staphanie HLA stipulation?- exactly.)

Stephanie McMahon: What is the point of a GM if they do nothing? What is the difference between Steph & Vince's role as far as power is concerned? There's too many cooks in the kitchen here. And for logics sake since Vince is the owner, wouldn't you think that since it's his money that he'd want to oversee Mr. America's Contract bofore blondly doiling out the cash? If this how business is done in WWE no wonder they're losing so much money. And Finally since when does a GM just leave the arena? Nice Work ethic Steph. ...But if she really did pack up her things and leave that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing on second thought....Anyone got Heyman's number?

Big Show; The WWE continues to try and justify his Million dollar a year contract by forcing the 500 pounder into main Event slots that should be occupied by men like Chris Benoit. Smilin' Brock continues his lame duck Title reign by competing in his second consecutive writeoff Title defense. And WWE seriously needs to overhaul their stance on Number one contenders, first Nash comes back, loses his first match and has not one win under his belt thusf ar and he's the number one contender on RAW? And now Big Show defeats Rey Mysterio (who himself had come off a loss at WM) and he's all of a sudden the number one contender? This is how the ratings are compiled in the Bizarro World. So by this logic Rikishi, who's lost his last two matches would be next in line for Brock's title...Or maybe it's all because they're "big", (Vince licks his lips)

-Well all in all this week has done nothing to make me want to buy what is shaping up to be the worst booked PPV of the year. (maybe ever) ...No Goldberg,no singles program for Chris Benoit, A bizzarre Intercontinental former Champions Battle Royal that is filled with fallguys (Does anyone not think it'll come down to Booker (Booker?!) and Jericho?) ...The Ladder match which was to be be the only surefire good match has now been jeopardized by the untimely injury of Chavo Guerrero....We'll get to watch Big Show get fakely rolled out on a Stretcher (I bet Brock brings a Giant Stretcher...No wait they wouldn't use a sight gag like that)...And HHH and Nash going one on one. ....The funny thing is this PPV is the last RAW/Smackdown joint production and even with their collective talent this is what they've produced?....Maybe missing Smackdown wasn't a bad Idea after all.


Smackdown Report (05/23/03)

The show opens up with footage of the year's worst match: Mr. America Vs. Roddy Piper, they show Mr. America's "inspiring" victory over the water retaining Hot Scot.

Vince power walks to the Ring and states that he's in charge tonight (The Owner is in charge? That doesn't makes sense!) He says that his finger prints are all over Smackdown, much like Pat Pattersons are all over the ass of Sylvian Grenier but thats a completely different story.

Smackdown has new opening as Vince officially cuts all ties with legitmate musicians and Jim Johnson churns out another generic theme while running on his giant WWE hamster wheel.

Eddie Guerrero & Tajiri Vs. Team Angle; This was by far the best TV match in longtime, and it makes you wonder why they didn't just go with this rather than a sloppy Ladder match. The end creatively comes when Eddie "Cheats to win", breaking up Shelton's cover of Tajiri by striking the Referee with a chair and quickly passing it to Haas so the referee disqualifies Team Angle thinking Haas had struck him. Stupid finish for such a fantastic match, but atleast it was very creative.

Vince is arguing with Steph backstage (what does she do here anyway?)

Vince comes out again, (no Shit?) and calls out Piper and blames him for Mr. America not being unmasked at Judgment Day. Sean O'haire takes the blame (A very ironic moment because O'haire will likely be relegated to Velocity when time comes for Vince to blame someone for this asenine angle not working) O'Haire says he wants America tonight and Vince agrees under the pretense that if O'Haire loses Roddy is "fired" (If only you could tag Hogan,Show, A-train & Nathan Jones name on there as well.) but if O'haire wins Mr. America must submit to a lie detector test....What? Why not just make the stipulation that if Mr. America loses he has to unmask. Why go to all this trouble?...

John Cena Vs. Spanky; Basically this was a squash match as apparently Vince has recently learned that Kendrick is small. Cena destroys the gamey Kendrick with a modified DVD (and by modified I mean one that barely resembles the actual move.) for the win. Welcome to Velocity Spanky, you'll be staying with Funaki for this trip.

F.B.I. is shown backstage (the camera thankfully doesn't catch the Oral favours onto Pat Patterson that apprently got them this "push") F.B.I. cuts a promo and the hilarity ensues.

Chris Benoit Vs. Matt Hardy; I was surprised they just didn't shoot both these men prior to the match as the two have have subjected to more character assasination than any other two in the brand. (Maybe Matt should sit on Benoits shoulders circus style and pass themselves off as the worlds most technically sound 8 footer) Anyway the Cruiserweight prop is not at stake as the 220 Lbs. Benoit is apparently over the 220 Lbs weight limit. Benoit wins with a Crossface after countering a Twist of fate...Benoit is immediately pinned by A-Train after (just kidding) Matt Hardy apparently is upset with Rey Mysterio who was sitting at ringside and said that if Rey defeated both his MF'rs (Crash & Moore) he'd get a shot a Hardy's worthless title.

Rey Mysterio Vs. Crash & Shannon Moore; Mysterio seriously pulled his groin during the bout (I pulled my groin once, it felt so good I pulled it again...ok then) anyway Mysterio pulled an anti-Nash and finished the match without screaming like a bitch. They took it home early and it was testement to Rey Rey's toughness. He finished both men with seperate Huricanrana's into cradled pins. Mysterio had to be helped from the ring afterward. Matt layed out both Crash and Hardy for their failure.

Zack Gowen gets interviewed by Steph. He tells his life story and says that Mr. America is helping him become a wrestler, he said Hogan taught him never to job and to always hold new talent down. Zack says he's happy to be part of SD and hoped to wrestle their someday. Boring segment that really accomplished nothing.

McMahon makes his one millionth appearance tonight and calls out Mr. America and makes him agree to the stip that he'll have take the lie detector test or Zack Gowen will never get a contract here. (by WWE logic all Zack would have to do is put a mask on and Steph would hire him no strings (or legs) attached) Hogan begrudgingly accepts.

Hogan is shown breaking into Dave Sullivan's condo and retrieving one of his magic slippers to give to his new best buddy Zack-Ok not everyone will get this)

Brock Lesnar Vs. Johnny Stamboli; Crappy match sees Brock win by DQ after Palumbo & Nunzio interfere and break up the F-5 attempt. Undertaker runs in and singlehandedly destroys the F.B.I.. Taker then goes to Iraq where he singlehandedly destroys terrorism with plethera of mighty chokeslams. Brock ends up looking like an idiot here, but hey it's nothing he can't Smile about.

Grandma Sable comes out and picks on Tazz for his awarding the Bikini match to Torrie at Judgment Day. She ends the segment by pouring water on Tazz's head, Tazz flips out much in the same manner my Father would when I'd flick his newspaper while he was reading it as a child. Tazz was said to be so angry that he exposed himself to a teenager. (Inside joke)

Vince, Piper & O'Haire talk over strategy backstage;

Mr. America Vs. Sean O'Haire; This was a bad match. In their respective corners is a man with a questionable leg in the other is Zack Gowen. If you like your Hogan punches this would be Flair/Steamboat for you. Mr. McMahon comes down with the cliche'd Police (Why are these people never fighting crime?) Apparently Zack doesn't have contract so him being in Hogans corner is illegal. Hogan gets distracted and gets counted out. This finish was page right out of 1987, expect Hogan to cleanly pin O'Haire next month on Saturday Night's Main Event wait. What this does for O'Haire's career is beyond me. Show closes with Vince happy that Mr. America has to submit to a lie detector test next week. Yay.

Highlight: Eddie Guerrero & Tajiri Vs. Team Angle; This is what Wrestling is all about, If the WWE would put more matches on like this maybe things could turn around, maybe not but it sure would be more entertaining. I'll take a quality match over Hogan & Piper hamming their way through a show.

Lowlight: Almost everything else. I've said it many times, I have no issues with using Hulk Hogan. but NOT as the main event, because quite frankly it's embarassing. You know when a one legged kid has more mobility than you its time to hang the giant yellow underwear up. In addition Smilin' Brock is turning into a lame duck title-holder, rather than the focal point that the CHAMPION is supposed to be.


Smackdown Report: (05/30/03)

They open the show by showing recaps of Hogan putting Sean O'Haire over 1987 style. Mr. America must now submit to a lie detector test. How will Hogan beat this not at all gimmicked lie detector? The suspense is killing me!

Sable is apparently the Ring announcer tonight. Grandma Sable loses all of her remaining sex appeal once she opens her mouth. It's really too bad they didn't inject a huge dose of botox into her lips too that way they'd be swollen closed and we'd be spared the pain of having to listen to her squaky voice (It's a wonder Marc Mero even married her, no one like a person with a high pitched irritating voice- Hey wait a second....) Sable announces Torrie first and claims she's from Loserville U.S.A., (isn't that a suburb of Kentucky?- anyhoo)

Torrie Wilson Vs. Nidia; Standard SD women's match. The measuring stick is so low right now it's hard to call anything bad these days. Torrie does the gimmicked knee injury spot off of a leapfrog attempt, and Nidia rolls up Torrie for the duke. Tazz flips out after the match inexplicably and Sable dumps water on him. Torrie chases off Sable with water as the wax-like Sable runs terrified Wizard of OZ style. There is no explanation given for Tazz & Torrie's alliance other than Wilson's preference for little orange men.

Vince McMahon has his limo driver park in a handi-cap spot...Vince then turns over a DARTS bus killing everyone inside.

Steph tries the lie detector but the officers are unable to wrap it around her tree trunk arms (I'm kidding)

Tajiri steals a car and Eddie Guerrero is pleased (Lets get this straight, All crimes of a vehicular nature be it hit & runs and/or theft are generally not regarded as criminal offenses but apparently if you hop a guard rail, its Pokey time.)

Team Angle Vs. Eddie & Tajiri; Very solid rematch as all four deliver again this week. The match was given time and was very good considering TV standards. They redo the cheat to win finish this time with Eddie ringing the bell before Haas could make Tajiri tapout to the "Haas of Pain". Eddie then brought a tag belt into the ring but Haas was caught with the smoking gun and Team Angle was disqualified. You don't have to be the Amazing Kreskin to figure out that a No DQ match is in the works here, but aslong as they keep up the quality , I'm game for another rematch.

Mr. America looks worried backstage. Hulk puts all his Mr. Nanny thespian skills into this performance and makes a believer out of me, ...A belief that his acting stinks... Bruther.

Zack Gowen gets interviewed by Josh Matthews. Two uncharismatic skinny guys talking Turkey. Show us your Fucking Leg!, Wear it on your shoulder like those Buckingham Palace guard's hold their rifles... Anything to remind people that your a novelty, but don't talk, please! WWE is maybe building to something but this gay man/boy Hogan relationship is boring me fast.

Mr. America Lie detector test; The detector makes a bling noise when you tell the truth (This how all lie detectors work people, It's definately not for the crowd so they can moronically follow the segment) Mr. America is nervous and they build "suspense". Vince finally asks if he's Hogan, and America says no, it says he's telling the truth, Vince asks five more times but all with the same result, Hogan then tries on O.J.'s glove but it doesn't fit and he and Johnny Cochrane walk off hand in hand together. Vince gets hooked up to the machine to confirm its validity and Hogan asks some bawdy questions and the hilarity ensues.

Vince angrily confronts Big Steph backstage and says changes are coming next week. Firing the entire creative team?-naw, wishful thinking.

Chris Benoit Vs. Sean O'Haire; Benoit once again plays Triple H in 1996 and gets unfairly squashed.But rest assured people, if history repeats itself Benoit will be on top in seven years and will never put people over. Piper gets involved in this one and takes a crossface for his troubles. O'Haire capitalizes and kicks Benoit in the head and rolls up Benoit for the win. I guess O'Haires push continues after Hogan "put him over" but you'd never know it by the match as Hogan's rubs are worse then a masseuse with a hook for a hand. BONG. (Ok, I'm allowed one bad joke a week)

Rey Mysterio cuts a promo backstage about his Cruiserweight Prop match against Matt Hardy next week. Hardy interrupts and kicks Mysterio in the nuts Hans Moleman style. Oh my groinnnnn...

They show a great Kurt vignette about his recovery. It was a very "Face" potrayal of our olympic hero and it'll be interesting how they potray his charactert when he returns next week.

Rikishi & Spanky vs. Doug & Danny Basham; THE Basham Bros.? Dougs mom was a little more than surprised to find out she had another Son (Get It? Cause he's not.) I find it kinda funny that Danny was much more over in OVW than Doug Basham but has to adapt Doug's name upon his debut Sweet Irony, oh how your a cruel mistress. Anyway pointless Tagteam match sees the Basham's cheat to pin Spanky after Danny helped him with leverage off a roll up. Note to WWE: Haven't you had enough FAKE brother tagteams? In a side note: The Bashams were invited to Sunday tea with The Smokin Gunns and The Beverly Brothers so it's all good.

Vince's limo gets towed and Zack Gowen is out there laughing at him. Z's leg then falls off and he collapses into a painful heap. ..Ok maybe not.

Undertaker & Brock Lesnar Vs. F.B.I. & Big Show; Enough of the fucking Big Show already! Brock beat him in a stretcher match, that should've ended the feud forever. What's left? A loser must Die match? If thats the case might I suggest Show Vs. Nathan Jones, and pray for a Draw in that one. Undertaker and Smilin' Brock worked hard and this was a surprisingly solid match. Anyone who knocks Undertaker, I say atleast he can run, Nash & Hogan cannot. Brock ends up taking athe pin to a gassed out Show after a Chokeslam...Why?! whats the point? Unless this is a way to make Show look good so Taker can defeat him and look better I'll be ok with it, however if it leads to anymore matches with Brock I'm changing the Channel.

-This weeks Smackdown wasn't totally offensive. The Team Angle/Eddie & Tajiri match delivered and in ring wise there was nothing horrendous.

Highlight: The aformentioned Team Angle Vs. Tajiri & Eddie match was the best match of the night and the fact it was given time is a step in the right direction.

Lowlight: I'm not going to pick the women's match because it's always terrible. Instead I think I'll choose The Basham Bros. debut. This is what jobber squashes are for, and why sacrifice Spanky? I'm sure Brian Costello & Reno Riggins aren't doing anything on a Thursday (Tuesday night actually, wink*wink.)