RAW RANT ARCHIVE (January 2004)




RAW RANT ARCHIVE (January 2004)

RAW Report: (01/05/04)

We open the show backstage. Eric Bischoff is worried about Steve Austin as Sheriff. Look for Austin to leaveagain, then return as "Big man on Campus" then "Top Banana several weeks after that, until the WWE exhausts all pseudonyms for "guy in charge". Teddy Long approaches pluis Mark Henry, and demands his Survivor Series favor. He wants to be GM for the night and Bischoff agrees (Eric is not seen again for the remainder of the evening).

Teddy Long comes to the ring to give his first GM speech. Teddy runs down Memphis as being racist, and who'd disagree with that? The South ain't exactly been too good to black people, ya know? Infact down there, "Boyz in the hood" is a completely different thing altogether if you catch my drift.

Jerry Lawler takes offense to Long's remarks about Memphis and comes to the ring. However, before he can do anything about it. Randy Orton slips in and lays out The King with an RKO. Wow, I haven't seen Lawler hit the deck that fast since his copy of "Sweet Apples" accidentally slipped out of it's plain brown wrapper.

In the back, Orton and Long are celebrating when Mark Henry approaches and demands an IC Title match with Randy. Orton protests but Long does make the match...until..."Sheriff" Steve Austin decides to throw RVD into the mix and makes Van Dam against Henry instead, which just might be a bigger mistake than wearing a Buckwheat T-shirt into a hip-hop club. The winner gets Orton NEXT week on RAW for the record.

Coach comes out to *replace* the injured Lawler who apparently hasn't taken a hundred thousand finishers before or anything. Coach has an LSU chair which I guess is funny or something to people who watch College Football.

Spike Dudley Vs. Rene Dupree; This is Spike's first match back on TV since he was injured by La Resistance in a botched table spot. But don't fret, Grenier WAS punished, as he's currently shackled in Patterson's basement ala the Gimp from Pulp Fiction as we speak. Standard match with little heat here that is ultimately won by Spike with a rollup. This is ultimately a back-drop for The Dudley's (who had come down to congratulate Spike) to be beaten down by Ric Flair and Batista.

Chris Jericho is confronted by Christian and the two seemingly bury the hatchet. They even reminisce about "Ass cream", which for the record, was always my least favorite Dairy Queen flavor.

They recap the HBK/HHH match from last week.

Jerry Lawler all "healed" from "one move" returns to his spot but Coach still stays on as third man.

The Hurricane & Rosey Vs. Y2J & Christian; This match is as sloppy as hell but Rosey tried hard. At least his heart is in right place...although you never can tell with a shape like Rosey's. Hurricane ends up getting taken out on the floor, and after Rosey posts himself, Jericho runs his head into it one more time for good measure, causing Rosey to stumble back into a reverse DDT (and not Un-prettier, JR) by Christian for the win.

Test Vs. Steven Richards; Heat comes to RAW yet again as Test meets Richards in the rubber match. Not to be confused with the rubber match that took place between Grenier and Dupree to see who gets protected sex with Patterson..YES! THREE count them, Patterson jokes in ONE rant. Ok I'm done. The crowd really doesn't know who the babyface is supposed to be here..because, you know, no one watches Heat. Richards and Test have a pretty good exchange of spots towards the end and Victoria ends up getting involved and distracts Test as he goes for the "Aboot" allowing Steven to pick up the win. After the match Victoria gets the boot instead, but heaven knows I didn't see it thanks to TSN's policy of "fake violence BAD" .."real violence GOOD" philosophy while cutting away to a crowd shot. And for the record, how do those same people get seats every week when they cut away like that?! They must be rich!- Note sarcasm.

Steve Austin comes out to make an announcement about a rematch between HBK & HHH, when Trips interrupts. The H's is smartly wearing all black this week to hide his burgeoning Triple cHHHeese cake physique. Triple H makes light of Austin being "Sheriff". Triple H drops some bygone TV Cop jokes but leaves off C.H.I.P.'s for some strange reason, although Trips lately would make a great paunch errr "Ponch", excuse me. Shawn Michaels finally comes out and Austin announces that the two will meet one another at the Rumble in a Last man Standing match. Triple H then blindsides HBK and gives him a pedigree in the practice finish for the Rumble..come on, you know I'm right..

Molly Holly Vs. Trish Stratus; This was supposed to be Victoria's spot but she's out due to the Test Boooooooot. Teddy Long makes Trish the surrogate as he announces that he loves watching white women beat the shit out of eachother. OJ is then seen saying, "Testify, brother". This is non-title by the way for those keeping track. The two really don't click and the match ends in a shmazz when a returning Jazz attacks both Women.With Jazz back, all of a sudden Shaniqua just got a whole lot more good looking. And for the record, and I'm not trying to be cruel, but it's got to be tough when actual Transvestites are more convincing as "women" then you are...Ok I was trying to be mean, I lied.

Jazz excecutes her "Armpit lift O'death" on Trish then applies a snug STF until Jericho runs in for the save. Unfortunately, Trish still doesn't want anything to do with him. She shouldn't be like that though. You'd really be surprised how much you can buy with a Loonie. (Canadian Dollar...Yes we name our currency after Animals here. For the record, Jerry Lawler almost moved here when he heard our nickels had pictures of "Beaver" on them.)

They air a vignette declaring Randy Orton the new "Hardcore Legend". It was very funny and reminded me of the bygone RNN Updates. This is definitely the way to go with Orton.

RVD Vs. Mark Henry; Great, a match between one guy who throws "potatoes" and one who's built like one. Inside the first minute alone, they blow a few spots and even Gail Kim and Jackie Gayda shook their heads in disgust. Henry gets disqualified for using a chair, but Teddy Long, using his GM stroke has the match continue, with no disqualifications. Austin on a four wheeler then drives down the ramp and chases Long away. RVD ends up winning this one after first hitting a Van-Daminator and a follow-up Frog Splash.

Austin returns, still chasing a terrified Long before getting him in the ring and stunning him. Not that a drinking redneck trying to run over a fleeing black man is offensive or anything. The only thing this scene needed to seal the deal would be a pickup truck, some rope and three or four "buddies" with two first names.

Jericho goes into Trish's locker room to profess his "undying love" but she's apparently in the shower. Jericho spills the beans on how he really did fall for her but of course it turns out to be Mae Young (who apparently takes random showers for no reason). She "Exposes" herself to Jericho a few times and Hilarity is abound. Poor Chris. I can just picture, the WWE writers meetings.."That was great, NOW, what if we had him fuck a Dummy!"...Bleh.

Kane and the Push that just sort of disintegrated comes out and explains how he should have won the Royal Rumble last year. He ties in Undertaker and Booker T. into this promo, at least conveying the tiniest bit of continuity at least. Book runs down and a brawl ensues and Book knocks Kane from the ring saying he'll win lose the Rumble, then hopefully stumble into a Wrestlemania Title shot against HHH and lose that too..and then a lot of Internet people will be REAL pissed!...Ok, that part is bullshit.

The Dudleys Vs. Ric Flair & Batista; World Tagteam Titles at stake. This is the 18th Tagteam title attempt for the Dudz but thankfully though it's not monotanous. Good match here, that is mostly carried by Flair, who even at fifty plus, manages to hustle. Someone seriously needs to get Bubba some knee pads, fast. Maybe, Flair can donate his, as he never seems to use them. The Dudleys dump Batista with the reverse neckbreaker suplex and hit the "Whazzup" on Flair (Whazzup,which for the record was coined five years ago..thus telling you how stale the Dudley's really are). The Dudley's then deliver the 3D on Flair but Triple H runs onto the apron drawing the attention of the referee and allowing Batista to hit the Sitout Bomb on D-Von. Flair does the old one-arm pin on D-Von and Evolution retain the Titles.

After the match, HBK runs down and returns the favor by superkicking Trips as the show fades out.

-Well, that was what it was. It wasn't bad, but nothing standout either.

Highlight: By process of elimination, it would be the main event tag, but that's still being somewhat generous.

Lowlight: No Continuity (well except for Kane). So Austin is back? And he has MORE power now? One month after he loses a Loser must leave WWE FOREVER match?..Why did I buy Survivor Series again?..

RAW Report: (01/12/04)

Molly Holly & Jazz Vs. Trish Stratus & Lita; Normally I'm all for a glorified T & A exhibition, but unfortunately, estrogen levels are all but depleted with the addition of Jazz here. Poor Rodney Mack, it's gotta be rough when your wife is more hung than you are...Anyhoo, all is well when Lita's on the apron but once tagged, she proceeds to blow a lot of spots (note to self: Change name to "spot"). Lita takes Molly out with a head scissors and this leaves Trish & Jazz. Trish botches a neckbreaker (she hits the "breaker" but forgets the "neck"), Teddy Long jumps up the apron and incapacitates her with his....Jacket?...allowing Jazz to win with a "school-girl roll up" (which to my knowledge is the same move that got Lawler in trouble ten years ago..BONG)

Jericho runs in post match to save Trish.

Matt Hardy Version 1 comes out and complains about biased treatment towards him by Stone Cold. Austin ends up driving an ATV out to the ring, and for a moment it looks like the two will go at it, until Matt says he wants to wrestle someone he's never faced before..and enter Goldberg.

Matt Hardy Vs. Goldberg; Goldberg has that whole "Been trapped on a desert Island for a long fucking time" Castaway look going on here. Wilson the Volleyball does not accompany Bill to the ring either for the record. Matt Hardy sure must have pissed someone off, because he gets the royal jobber treatment here. Only a little bit of offense by Hardy (a sweet second rope assisted side effect) but Goldberg shrugs it off and peels off the Goldberg playbook, press powerslam/spear/jack hammer and were done. Wow, it could have been worse though, they could've sacrificed a guy with a huge future to put over a guy who won't even be around after Wrestlemania..hey wait...

Goldberg announces that he's going to be in the Royal Rumble.

Stone Cold and Eric have a confrontation backstage, and Eric asks how Goldberg can be back after being "deactivated" (See, I knew he was a Robot!). Austin gives some convoluted reason, but would have been better served to just say "Since when has any storyline made any sense here?"

Randy Orton is seen backstage and invites Mick Foley to the arena. He reveals that he has a front row ticket for him.

D-Von Dudley Vs. Batista. Finally, the World's population of violated alter-boys get to live vicariously through Deacon Batista as he attempts to get symbolically even with Rev. D-Von here. For the record, Ric Flair is in Batista's corner, and Bubba accompanied by my Grandma's legs in D-Vons. Another basic squash match here, that sees Batista win it with the demon-bomb. After the match, Ric slides a table into the ring and both teams struggle but no one gets put through. They'll save that for The Royal Rumble apparently.

Randy Orton sends a limo to Mick Foley's house and says "pick out your best flannel". Funny, that's what Jason's Dad said to his Mom on their wedding day. Sadly this is not a joke.

Scott Steiner approaches Goldberg and reveals their "history". Bill wants a go tonight, but Scott insists it be next week. Their first meeting was actually pretty awesome in 2000, but then again Warrior/Hogan was pretty good the first time too, and we know how that story turned out.

Coach calls out Triple H and Shawn Michaels for their very special "sit-down interview". HBK pitches all the chairs out of the ring. The two go over history and jerk each other off with compliments. HHH reveals that "HBK treated me like I was a sidekick..like I was Justin Fucking Credible or something!" Ok, he didn't really say that but I'd have marked-out if he had. HHH says "There's some controversy over the World Title, and some people feel HBK should be Champion, while others feel it should be me...one of those people? The woman who writes this show! HHH then flashes his wedding ring and yells out "read it and weep motherfuckers!"..Ok maybe not, but it is true.....

They go on seemingly forever, until HBK ends up superkicking Coach to prove that he can strike at anytime in the Last Man Standing match.

Kane Vs. Booker T.; JR mentions that Kane has a black heart, which actually gives him something in common with Booker T. By the way, Booker is now using his new "WWE Originals" theme, thus furthering Vince's attempt to cut off any links to the old WCW....and Flair, buddy, you're next. Anyway this one never clicks at all. Slow offense in this one and for a minute there, I thought Booker forgot how to throw a sidekick~note sarcasm. After what was seemingly a thousand in a row, Kane spills to the floor and gets disqualified(?!) for ramming Booker's head into the steel stairs. Kane then hits his patented tombstone..and I mean "patented" as in the head is like a foot from connecting. Ah, I'm just being a prick.

Chris Jericho Vs. Mark Henry. I'd use the broomstick analogy with Mark, but toilet brush seems to be a better fit. This match was made because of Jericho getting involved in the opener with Trish. Jericho TRIES hard and a lesser man would have failed, but even that wasn't enough to pull a good match out of Ol' Mizark here. The story here is Jericho's determination to get the Walls of Jericho on Mark. The crowd seems to buy him as a face now too, which is promising. Jericho goes for a lion-sault but Jazz trips him up. This brings out Trish to take out Jazz. Jericho clips Mizark's leg and finally gets the Walls, and Mark taps out~only, the Ref doesn't see it, because he's distracted by the Jazz/Trish altercation. Jericho thinks he's won the match and releases the hold. Mark then gets up and "no sells" the leg, and delivers the World's 16th Strongest Slam on Jericho for the win.

Trish is backstage seeking Love advice from Stacy Keibler. STACY KEIBLER?...Ya, her track record speaks for itself: David Flair and Test...Run, Trish, Run now.

Meanwhile, Christian gives Y2J some of that good old-fashioned "Bros B4 Ho's" advice and the two will apparently hit the town. Although, it may be just me, but Christian seemed a little persistent to get Jericho into a shower...just saying.

Rob Van Dam Vs. Randy Orton; Intercontinental Title at stake here. During the match, they cut away to show the limo arriving but never follow up on it.

The two have a decent match, but not as good as their Armageddon effort. Rob is at his selling best here tonight though. Randy eats a post and does a blade job off of it...hey, why no DQ for that?..hmmm?...anyhoo. The two mess up what looked to be a standard Ref-bump and improvise the spot and the Ref goes down this time. Orton low bridges RVD and wakes the ref and plays dead?!..Why? If the Ref didn't see anything illegal, then why waste time playing dead? Why not just pin the guy? Ok I'm rambling. RVD rallies and goes for the 5 Star, but Randy counters by knocking him off, and Rob crotches himself. Orton pulls Rob off the buckles into a front-facelock until Rob's feet are only elevated on the top rope, then plants him with a sick DDT for the clean win. In ECW, Balls Mahoney would have done that, run him over with a car then set him on fire...and Rob would've still kicked out....

Evolution comes out to congratulate Randy and surprise! No Foley. Bait, I'd like you to meet Switch, I think you guys will be great friends. End show.

Highlight: There really wasn't anything outstanding here tonight, but I guess if I had to pick something, it'd be the main event, if only for the reason that it was the only match given ANY time at all.

Lowlight: Well, besides burying a lot of guys (Hardy, Jericho) in favor of hulking slugs with no futures, I'd have to go with...Fuck it. That's my pick.

RAW Report: (01/19/04)

The show opens up with a Martin Luther King tribute..The Dream Lives on...however, strangely, footage of the very redneck Steve Austin, chasing the diminutive, black, Teddy Long, with a vehicle, is strangely absent from this package...The Dream lives on, indeed.

Coach reveals that Eric Bischoff is not here tonight, so he will be interim GM. He addresses the roster, and tells him that tonight's matches will be for a chance to enter a battle royal, later, who's winner will get number 30 in the Royal Rumble.

RVD & Booker T. Vs. Matt Hardy & Christian; I kept expecting to see HHH standing on the stage with a shovel in hand, while watching this one. For those keeping track, one of Hardy's Matt facts were "He loves Mongolian BBQ's"...and I'm apalled. Who would ever want to eat a Mongolian?..in a related side note: Former 1980's WWF star Killer Khan decided to NOT make good on Hardy's invitation to attend said BBQ...Go figure.

Enjoyable opener here with all four men clicking quite well. Harry Simon suggested to me that since WWE's not doing anything with either, that Booker & RVD should become a full-time Tagteam and roll into Mania to face Evolution for the belts, and I totally agree. Creative ending to this one sees Matt Hardy & Christian both lower their heads while double-teaming RVD, when Booker surprises both with a double "ask-kick". RVD hits the academic Frog splash on Matt (SURPRISE~!) thus advancing both he and Book to the #30 over the top match.

Y2J Vs. Rene Dupree' w/ Exciting French Dance; Jericho totally works as a babyface here, and Dupree gets his first breakout singles match. Dupree gets off a Death Valley Driver and blocks Jericho's impending Lion-Sault with the knees, but eventually Jericho muscles him into the Wall's for the tap-out. Good match.

Backstage, Christian congratulates Jericho on his win, and asks Jericho to give him Y2J's "Survivor Series" favor so HE can enter the #30 match. Jericho refuses this "Solid" however. But, for those who require another kind of "Solid", Mark Henry IS indeed scheduled for action next.

Mark Henry Vs. Rico; Well, this definitely took a page out of the big book of "Stupid fucking ideas". Let's book a match between TWO completely HEATLESS heels. The good news is however, that Mizark is 8 years in on that 10 year deal, so it won't be that much longer, thankfully. And in a side note, it's hard to believe it's been over 15 years since Henry systematically decimated Arnold's platoon in the jungle...

I guess Rico was playing babyface here, but who knows. Rico pulls off some homoerotic machinations and we're soon reminded it's Pat Patterson's birthday today..apropos segue! Anyway, Henry catches Rico for the World's 16th strongest Slam to win and advance to said #30 match.

Orton, Batista & Flair converse backstage (sans HHH, who makes it 2-0 for pre-PPV no shows). Flair makes mention of Hunter's Master Plan, that being an ALL Evolution Wrestlemania. I'm sure they didn't have to twist H's arm too much for this storyline...

Kane Vs. Spike Dudley; You know when you can't make a squash match with Spike entertaining, that you are in deep TROUBLE. Boring, Boring, Boring stuff here that thankfully doesn't last long. Kane gets disqualified when the Ref thinks Kane put his hands on him. Kane goes berzerk and beats down Spike. They're apparently doing some kind of DQ gimmick with BRM here, that'll probably make him go more crazy, or something, I don't know, I don't write this shit.

Goldberg Vs. Scott Steiner Vs. Test; This is a *triplethreat* match. Goldberg continues to sport his beardy destitute "look", but, footage of Doug Dillinger knocking on a dumpster out back saying "Goldberg, you're up!" is mysteriously edited out of my feed. This is your typical 'babyface overcomes all odds' match here. Test & Steiner predictably double-team Goldy, but there's trouble in paradise after they each try to finish Goldberg. Scott Steiner breaks out the shitty rear chinlock of DEATH (Steiner Recliner) but Test gives Scotty the ol' Aboot. Goldberg rallies...spear & Jackhammer on Test, and this one is over.

Another Mick Foley/Randy Orton video airs. This one is a LITTLE less subtle though. And by the way, where were all the Orton friends& supporters when Randy's Uncle Barry was being violated by Patterson & Garvin in the 80's?...hmmm?

Stone Cold plus Scooter comes to the ring. He's disgusted that Foley WALKED out of the WWE..and didn't even beat his wife after he did it either. Show him how it's done Stone Cold! Anyhoo, to bottom-line this, Austin DEMANDS that Foley show up to the Rumble and deal with Randy Orton....or else.

Christian runs into Trish, and rubs it in that Jericho is "over" her. I'd rather be "under" her, but that's just me. This was an entertaining vignette that ends with Xtian showing her footage on his cell phone of him and Jericho partying, and ending the segment with "I forgot about the midgets!"

Jazz Vs. Lita; This not a #30 entry match..but it will be fought under "really shitty" match rules. This of course is not Jazz's fault. Lita's matches are slowly making me yearn for Gail Kim, and that is not a good thing. Lita looks to finish the match with the Lita-sault but Teddy Long gets involved, and Jazz finishes with a school girl rollup...again? Fit must've really hit the sauce hard while putting this one together, that's all I have to say.

Randy Orton Vs. The Hurricane; Hurrican apparently "believes" in himself, which is refreshing. Orton still destroys him, however. Good fast paced little match here that sees Hurricane peel off some of his spots before walking into an RKO. Orton is congratulated by Batista & Flair after the match. Rosey comes in to tend to Hurricane and gets killed dead by Batista. The Dudleys run in and attack Evolution and somehow this all leads to the *payoff* of Jonathan Coachman getting put through a table after he comes down to the ring to protest.

Backstage, Mark Henry and Jericho are arguing. Mark Henry responds to a Jericho insult that he smells bad, saying that this is just his "Stank". I'm not making this up. For the record, if you really want to see Mark Henry's "Stank", pop in any of his matches..EVER.

Main Event: #30 entry Battle Royal; featuring Jericho, RVD, Booker T.,Mark Henry, Orton & Goldberg. (Spike is removed from the match, thus allowing RVD the HONOR of being the designated first elimination). Goldberg looks strong at first, but eventually walks into a bookend, lionsault and Five-star to temporarily take him out. RVD gets knocked out by Booker, then Jericho dumps Booker. All four remaining go at it from there and Jericho is pitched out next. This leaves Orton & Henry against Goldberg. After some time, Goldberg shoulder-tackles Henry out (Henry sort of just rolled out). This leaves Goldberg and Orton, and even the appearance of Flair & Batista isn't enough to save RKO, as he gets press-slammed and launched out. Goldberg wins and gets number 30, which means he probably won't win.

-Once again, this probably was not the best hard-sell for The Rumble, but, on it's own merits, it was a decent show. (Might have been better had the two guys in the *Main Event* had bothered to show up though...)

Highlight: Nothing in-ring wise really stood out here, but the premise was good, and making matches that otherwise would mean ZILCH have the "#30 Rumble entry" match stipulation made them seem important.

Lowlight: Lita Vs. Jazz; Almost makes you pine for that burnout Jeff Hardy...Almost. Hey, atleast he blew SPECTACULAR spots. Just saying.

RAW Report: (01/26/04)

The show opens up With Chris Jericho who comes out to his new "WWE Originals" theme. On a side note: The original Title for the CD was "WWE Heat-killing SHIT" but they decided against it at the last minute. It takes the crowd a few minutes to pick up on the fact that Y2J is now a babyface, but eventually he wins them over by demanding a Title shot with Fat Hunter, right here, TONIGHT. Eric Bischoff comes out, angry, saying that he's embarrassed that for the second year in a row, a Smackdown superstar won the Rumble. He then tells Jericho that he can use his vaunted Survivor Series favor to either, wrestle HHH, or, put the kybosh on a proposed Kane Vs. Trish match.

Apparently Jericho chooses Trish, so, Bisch makes a Tag match with him & RVD facing Ric Flair, Batista & Randy Orton in a handi-cap match instead. And for the record, the real handi-cap is trying to get a good match out of ol' Dave "Pseudo Sid" Batista.

Y2J & RVD Vs. Evolution; A much more deliberate match here, as the WWE's new policy is in full effect (not to be confused with their "You're not allowed to get over..EVER policy"). Flair works the bulk of this match, as Batista rots on the apron, as it should be.They give this one over 20 minutes, which for the record, is pretty much longer than 2/3 of the Rumble Undercard. But, then again, Hunter doesn't have a match tonight....

The end sees Y2J muscle Batista into the walls, but Randy Orton attempts an RKO but only gets the "R", completely missing the "KO" as Jericho's head slipped. Unfortunately, still being green, he does the move again and Batista gets the pin. Good match, but I could've done without the contrived finish. Jericho, thinks to himself: "wow, he must've been going for an RKO, thankfully he missed though, shew, close one. Well, I don't think he'd go for it again, so I might as well just stand here in the Walls...Blarrrrrr....."

Orton, backstage, demands retribution for his Uncle Barry O's asshole, which now looks like a Wizard's sleeve, thanks to Patterson...Just kidding. He demands that he be allowed vindication against Mick Foley, who cost him the Rumble last night. Sheriff Austin shows up or should I say "Mosey's in"? and says that Orton can try, but, Foley gets a chance to speak his mind first.

Trish comes backstage and thanks Chris for saving her ass against Kane. She reveals that she wants to BE JUST FRIENDS. Damn! Cock-block alert! That's almost as bad as saying to a guy "Hey, does it get bigger than that?"...

Christian interrupts, and brushes Trish off. Bro's B4 Ho's. Jericho and Christian argue for a second, then Christian reveals that they have a number ones contenders match for the Tagteam Titles next week.

Victoria & Lita Vs. Molly Holly & Jazz; During this match, Jerry Lawler *reveals* that Playboy is looking for a pair of divas to feature in an upcoming pictorial. My money's on Sable & Torrie Wilson.......

Victoria is a full fledged "face" now. And speaking of faces , Jazz's is still horrendous, but the Gal can Rassle thankfully. Molly & Jazz carry The Human spot blowing machine Lita to a passable match here, but the real story is Victoria who cleanly pins Molly with a small package. Speaking of "small packages", I heard that's the real reason Trips is not on steroids anymore..just saying. Anyway, enough of my bad segues, Victoria looks to get the next shot against Molly.

Fat Hunter comes out and cuts a promo on how he is still Champion, when HBK comes down. HBK is wearing his new T-Shirt that says "Still dropping to my knees..only for The Lord this time...or maybe not. HBK reveals basically that this thing will never end (maybe he was talking about H's Title run?) but Sheriff Austin rolls in on his Stone Cold Scooter and announces that Michaels deserves a rematch, but The Rumble winner gets the first shot, and introduces Chris Benoit!

Huge pop and chant for Benoit as he states that he wants the World Title, because, he wants to face the best. (Get the impression that Trips & Steph wrote this promo? Thankfully Benoit stopped before he could get to the part where he said HHH was the most hung, the best Lover and the second coming of Christ)

Kane Vs. Bubba Dudley; Wow, they sure made this match fast. It's almost as if the opening segment was just a plot twist or something. Anyway, Bubba's out for revenge against Kane for hurting Spike, and Kane's mad because Bubba won't ever wear pants. Kane gets DQ'd for using the old Greco-Roman Steel-steps to the head. The lights then go out and a very Ring-esque video package airs of The Undertaker. Just awesome stuff. See kiddies, that's why TNA will never be better than WWE, production values. Everytime I see a TNA backstage segment, I keep expecting the porn music to key up. Just saying.

Eric Bischoff is seen on speaker phone with Paul Heyman, discussing the Benoit situation. Heyman says that he'll SUE Bischoff but leaves out the part where his check to the lawyer bounces, and the case being thrown out of court. Coach comes in and messes with Bisch, making light of his brawl with Heyman at the Rumble. As a punishment, Bischoff makes Coach face Goldberg,

Rico Vs. Rob Conway; A classic OVW match here, however, I don't think Jim Cornette would approve of the ending. But fuck him.  Solid match though, and speaking of being "solid", Jackie Gayda helps Rico get the duke when she drops her top and flashes Rob. Well, that's appreciated. The last pair of exposed breasts we saw on Raw sadly belonged to Ric Flair, so this is definitely a major improvement. And so what if there fake? To paraphrase Jack Black in the movie Shallow Hal: "Well, I can squeeze them...that's real enough for me)

The Coach comes out for his match with Goldberg and pleads with Bischoff to spare him. Teddy Long and Mark Henry make their way out. Teddy blames "whitey" for this, and makes a joke about the black man always dancing on command for the white man. In a related note, both Kamala & Tony Atlas reportedly take their own lives.

Teddy volunteers Mizarks services for Coach and that leads to:

Goldberg Vs. Chocolate & Peanut Butter (Mark Henry & Jonathan Coachman) Mark gives Grizzly Bill some headaches at first, but Goldy disposes of him with a thunderous powerslam. This just leaves Coach, who is subsequently destroyed by a spear and the naughty Jackhammer. Goldberg looks into the camera after the match and tells Lesnar "he's next". But how? They're on separate shows!..They are two different companies, right? RIGHT? Ah fuck it. I can't even say that with a straight face.

Mick Foley comes out and reveals why he did not face Orton on December 15. He said it was because, after his Wrestling career ended, he let go of the anger that he channeled into his violent matches. He calls out Orton, and demands Randy spit in his face again. Randy does, but that's not good enough and he demands Randy add some more mucus to it. (I'm not kidding) Orton after some encouragement, horks a big-assed loogie onto his face and this makes Foley snap. He bloodies his own face and generally freaks out Orton before beating the shit out of him. Evolution tries to make the save, but Mick runs them off with chair-shots.

Good little show overall. The promos & surprises saved this one. Great super intense promo by Mick as well. Anyone who just remembers the goofy Mankind bits, might have been confused, but this was CLASSIC Cactus at his best. In a side note, RVD was horrified after seeing Orton spit on Foley for HEAT , having images of Triple H taking a shit on him. Hey, could happen....

Highlight: Mick Foley. Picture perfect promo.... and, Jackie's Tits. Always a crowd favorite.

Lowlight: Nothing was really bad, per se' , so I'll go with the botched RKO. But hey, that happens to everyone. Worst match was Kane & Bubba for the record though.