RAW RANT ARCHIVE (December 2003)




RAW RANT ARCHIVE (December 2003)


RAW Report: (12/01/03)

Goldberg comes out right out of the gate and says he wants Kane and HHH, TONIGHT. This marks about the ten thousandth rematch for Trips this year, so much so that Goldberg should change his catchphrase from "Who's Next?" to "Fuck, You again?!". Bischoff breaks up Goldberg's parade and tells him that it's his show and he can fire him. All of a sudden Mick Foley comes out to a huge "surprise" pop, wearing a suit no less. Foley tells Bischoff that Linda has signed him as "an outside consultant". Man, how many fucking pages were in that contract Foley & Linda signed in 2000? Foley then makes a six man tag for tonight with RVD, HBK & Goldberg against Batista, Randy Orton and Kane. and reveals that he's making himself new RAW Co-GM.

The Dudleyz Vs. Garrison Cade & Mark Jindrak; World Tagteam Titles at stake. Bubba is accompanied to the ring by my grandmother's legs. What's the deal with that? Someone needs a tanning bed, bad. Hey, I bet his buddy Tazz knows a good salon (there has to be at least one person who gets this joke). For as much as they built this one up, it was about as action packed as sex with a paraplegic. Ah, maybe not but it was short and a little uneventful. Cade tries to school boy D-Von with a hand full of tights but D-Von escapes at two, and returns the favor, pinning Cade with a handful of his own.

Cade and Jindrak complain post match of cheating and demand a rematch to complete apathy from the crowd.

Jonathan Coachman and Al Snow are discussing the Cade/Jindrak situation and Snow shows how much he feels for their plee by calling them Jade and Kindrak. Mick Foley comes up to both and reveals that Coach will meet Jerry Lawler tonight. Hey, maybe they're still using the RAW wheel again and it landed on "Worst Fucking match possible" but hey, I could be wrong.

Booker T. Vs. Test; Battle of former tagteam partners here, not that the announcers would ever mention it, as WWE tends to have the collective longterm memory of an Alzheimer's ridden Ronald Reagan. Another short match that sees Booker pick up the win with an "ask" kick. (if "ask" is "Ax" to Booker, wouldn't Ax have to be ask then?)

After the match, Booker T. invites Stacy into the ring to perform a "Poon-A-Rooni" (trademark ME.). Booker is so impressed that he asks for another when Mark Henry runs-in and beats down Book with two "World's strongest slams". (well, until the guy who actually won the gold medal in 1996 starts power slamming anyway).

Test, Stacy and Scott Steiner come to the ring and they put Stacy down. Scott makes the disturbing revelation that he and Test share EVERYTHING. But, upon closer thought, it would probably take both of them to satisfy Stacy considering the condition of their steroid ravaged baby-dicks. Hey, it's medical fact, baby! Steiner and Test want to humiliate Stacy, so they decide to make her join the "kiss my ass" club and each drop trow and assume the Patterson position. What's even more disturbing is Scott Steiner's purple thong. I'm sorry but it's hard to buy someone as "bad ass" when he buys his underwear in the same boutique as a sleazy Las Vegas Stripper. Mick Foley interrupts before Stacy has to do the deed, and settles the whole "Stacy is Test's property" situation by firing him. Scott Steiner objects, so he gets fired too.

Val Venis & Lance Storm Vs. La Resistance Version Deux; Hey, the ladies now LOVE Lance, all because he's apparently packing a rolled-up poster tube. JR makes mention of Val & Lance having good chemistry, as if the fact they were Tagteam Champions not even a year ago never crossed his mind. Oh well, I'm nit-picking. Good match while it lasted. Val & Lance finish with a "Hart Attack" clothesline on Conway that I'll call the "Cock-Knocker" until I think of something more clever.

After the match, Mick Foley gives Dupree and Conway a chance to change their ways by reciting the pledge of allegiance. They can't, so he fires them. Hey, luckily for the entire Taxi-driver population of the states, this is not a standard hiring practice.

Y2J and Trish Stratus Vs. Rico & Jackie Gayda; Jackie apparently learned her lesson from a couple of weeks ago and is wearing a full top. However, her pants do have a huge cut-out in the ass. On a side note: Patterson, backstage, asked Grenier if he thought maybe he could fit in them. Very solid match for a mixed-tag and Jericho and Rico seem to have good in-ring chemistry. JR makes mention that Rico was once a bodyguard for G. Gordon Liddy. Wow, I'm sure Gordan just loves Rico's gimmick now, seeing how much fanatical right-wing conservatives love homosexuals and all. Jericho ends up knocking Rico to the floor and Trish gets a her head-stand rana and a bulldog on Gayda for the win.

Matt Hardy Vs. Christian; Hey, Matt Hardy's got his intro back, thank god. Standard stuff here and I'm surprised they blew this one off as fast as they did. Lita accompanies Christian to "fuck with Matt's head". Molly Holly ends up doing a run-in as Christian looks to finish with the Un-prettier, throwing Lita into the steps and allowing Matt to capitalize on the distraction and roll-up Christian for the win.

Jerry Lawler Vs. Jonathan Coachman; They knock the cob-webs off of Lawler long enough for him to squash Coach in short order with the fist drop of DEATH. Coach is apparently FIRED, but somehow I'm indifferent.

Chris Jericho and Christian are seen talking backstage and they reveal that their pursuit of Lita and Trish respectively was really a bet to see who could get them into bed first. I've seen this somewhere before, oh yeah, it was EVERY teen comedy EVER. Why didn't they just bring in Freddie Prinze Jr. all along and do this one right? Trish of course overhears the conversation and is devastated. This of course will now likely lead to those "really entertaining" skits where Trish and Lita pretend they don't know about it and get their revenge by humiliating the duo.

Kane, Batista & Randy Orton Vs. HBK, The unorthodox Rob Van Dam and the orthodox (religiously speaking) Goldberg.; Decent six man match here that sees RVD and Michaels work the bulk of the match while Goldberg awaited the hot tag. Once Goldberg got it he cleaned house. Kane and Goldberg have a confrontation that ends with Goldberg spearing him. Bill looks to finish with a jackhammer when Batista and Orton break it up. Goldberg and Kane and HBK and Batista all spill to the outside and brawl into the crowd leaving RVD and Orton in the ring. RVD looks to have things in hand when he hit a rolling thunder on Orton but Flair pulls out the Referee. RVD goes up and hits a 5-Star frog splash and Mick Foley slides in and makes the three count.

After the match Bischoff confronts Mick and tells him he ruined RAW. Foley reveals that he never REALLY fired anyone, bout only demonstrated Bischoff's abuse of power. He then makes Kane Vs. Goldberg for next Monday and ends the show by applying the mandible claw to Bischoff with Mr. Socko.

I can't say I hated this show. RAW is growing on me, and I don't know whether to blame interesting storylines or lowered expectations, but whatever it is, it's working.

Highlight: Mick Foley. Foley always adds a level of entertainment to a show otherwise missing on Raw, and he seemed to really be enjoying himself out there which made for good TV.

Lowlight: The apparent "blow-off" of the Jericho/Trish/Christian/Lita storyline. If this it, Boy, did WWE drop the ball here faster than a Mongoloid in Gym class. Hopefully, (fingers crossed) it leads to something more than the aforementioned "revenge" storyline

RAW Report: (12/08/03)

The broadcast opens with an apologetic Chris Jericho and Christian coming to the ring. They express their regret over the "bet" last week, and they ask Lita and Trish, respectively, to accept their apologies. Trish and Lita come out and Jericho asks Trish what she's so angry about, and she produces a loonie. Preach on sister, I hate our devalued money too, ahem, anyway. The ladies don't accept the apologies or the roses for that matter and in fact, use said roses to lay a thrashing on Jericho & Christian.

The Dudley's come out before Jericho and Christian can exact any revenge however, and that leads us to:

Y2J & Christian Vs. The Dudley Boyz; World Tagteam Titles at stake. I always respected the Dud's workrate, but right now their characters are flatter than a Chinese Gymnast. Standard Dudley offense ensues and Bubba looks to have the match won with the Bubba-Bomb at one point but Jericho pulls the Referee out of the ring. With the Referee dispatched, Lita and Trish come in and get their *revenge* by hitting sychronized groin headbutts on C & C while the Dudleys held them in Whazzzzup position. Well, at least Jericho & Christian can say that got "head" from Lita and Trish...sorta...whatever. The Dudz then finish with a 3D on Christian and it's Girl-Power and high fives all around, yay.

Well if that's the payoff to my vested interest in the storyline, we can file this one under "F" for fucked-up. However, at this moment I'll give the WWE the benefit of the doubt until I see where they go from here with it. But, If Jericho and Christian end up in some stupid Hotel room skit where they end up in bed together and we have to hear JR's canned laughter as Lita and Trish celebrate the ruse, well, I will not be responsible for my actions.

Batista Vs. RVD; The IC Title is not on the line here, but the title for worst match idea ever is. It's a shame about Batista, because honestly he has a cool look and cuts a decent intense promo, however, he has yet to be formally introduced to a guy named ability. One spot sees Batista botch a powerbomb and if Rob Van Dam wasn't numbed by the whacky tobbacky, he'd have felt it for a while. Flair gets involved after another Ref bump(?!) and RVD falls prey to the obligatory Big Man powerbomb. Hey, at least their keeping the IC Title strong....

Anyway, I'm just glad Shawn Michaels is in good with Jesus, because he'll need the good Lord to help him through what awaits him at the PPV. Here's hoping for a Festivus Miracle.

Val Venis & Lance Storm Vs. Garrison Cade & Mark Jindrak; I felt myself pulling for the really bland clean-cut guys with sensible haircuts in this one. Lance Storm doesn't see much action in this match as Val carries most of the load. Ironic, considering his character's profession, huh? Val is on fire dispensing his moves in rapid fashion and along the way a decent match ensues. Now if only I cared about most of these people. I'm kidding, of course. Jindrak reaches back into the past, all the way to the 1987 Survivor Series and wins with a roll-up on Val.

Kane cuts a bizarre promo backstage, saying that he murdered his neighbors dog when he was a kid and the act made him happy.You know, this was probably not the best promo to give before a big match with Goldberg of all people, and in a side note, Lita was seen running from the arena in terror.

Mick Foley comes out next and announces himself as guest Referee for the RVD/Orton match at the PPV. La Resistance interrupt Foley and say they're going force Foley to salute the French Flag. Foley vehemently refuses and La Rez attack until THE ROCK makes the save to the upmost surprise of everyone. Rock completely buries La Rez in insulting promo fashion until they attack. Foley and Rock then annihilate them in short order dispensing People's Elbows like they were criminal charges against Michael Jackson. The crowd absolutely ate this segment up and it saved an otherwise sub par RAW up to that moment.

Test, Scott Steiner & Mark Henry Vs. Booker T., The Hurricane & Rosey; This match was in my opinion, BRUTAL, and much like a bad blowjob, it seemed to go on forever with no payoff in sight. The last 30 seconds of the match picked up some steam however and everyone hit a spot. this one ends when Hurricane walks into a Bear Hug by Henry and eventually submits. The only thing that saved this one for me was JR's almost orgasmic "putting over" of how "Strong" Mark Henry is. "He can crush an apple with his bare hands!" said JR, and I'm sure as a result, he can expect a call from Ron Popeel any day now.

Eric Bischoff is shown backstage. He picks special "lumberjacks" for the Kane/Goldberg match that include Orton, Batista, Mark Henry and Flair.

Trish Stratus & Lita Vs. Molly Holly & Victoria; Jericho and Christian are watching this one from the aisle. A good match, albeit short as everyone seemed on the same page. Lita looks to have things about sewn up when Matt Hardy appears in the ring and distracts Lita long enough for her to walk into a Molly/Victoria double side suplex for the win.

Goldberg Vs. Kane in a lumberjack match. Here's one occasion where bait and switch might be a good idea as I don't know how anyone would want to pay for this match after this one. It wasn't so bad as it was a complete style clash, you know, a bad wrestler and an even worse one. (Ok, I admit I'm in a bad mood this week). The Lumberjacks of course only punish Goldberg and let Kane be. Jerry Lawler insists that HHH is sitting the sky box watching and he asks JR if he sees him. Jim Ross answers, "I can't see anything without my glasses, King" which actually explains a lot of the calls he's been making lately. Goldberg looks to wrap things up with a spear when Orton jumps Goldy causing a poorly timed DQ. A big ol' Clustersmazz ensues and RVD, Booker T. and HBK run in and send the Heel's fleeing.

Well they tried with Kane and Goldberg. However, you don't get the Nobel Prize for "attempted chemistry".

Well, Rock & Sock aside, this was supposed to be the "hard-sell" for Armageddon on Sunday, and it hardly did that for me. Although, like a good trained seal, I'll still order it, because honestly, I have nothing else to do...

Highlight: The Rock and Sock Connection reunite. This was a very cool surprise and one the WWE should implement more often. WCW made it's fame and fortune on Surprise TV and WWE should follow suit, because maybe, just maybe, this approach will bring people back.

Lowlight: The Six-man tagteam match. No explanation needed.



RAW Report: (12/15/03)

The show opens with Evolution and their vanity belts. They have all the titles, so they're the BEST, right?..Right?! Triple H gives his obligatory promo on how he's the best yadda,yadda,yadda. He says that unlike Goldberg, he doesn't need "hype" cause he's Fucking the Bosses daughter. Well he didn't actually say that, but it's true.

Y2J & Christian Vs. Lita & Trish Stratus; Battle of The Sexes part 2; Jericho continues his slow turn back into a babyface here as he refuses to get "physical" with Trish. He has no such feelings towards Lita however and has no problems dispensing a beating to her. Lita kicks the broken body of Gail Kim off her perch for most botched moves ever by nearly killing herself with a moonsault that lands awkwardly on Christian and nearly re-joins "Degenerated Necks" as a result. Christian eventually hits an Unprettier on Trish but Jericho's apparently seen enough and concedes the match. He then shoves Christian down.

Eric Bischoff comes out angry and Jericho insults him drawing a decent pop. Jericho states he never wanted this match or the PPV one and Bischoff punishes Jericho by forcing him to fight Kane. However, if Eric really wanted to hurt Jericho, he'd make him watch Everwood. Just saying.

Bischoff remains in the ring and says he has an announcement that will shake RAW to it's foundation. He then calls out Mick Foley. Foley comes out and states that in two weeks there will be a board meeting to discuss the re-instatement of Steve Austin. Bischoff shows a video tribute of Foley's WWE career and then says that he has a proposition for Mick (once Mick realizes it's not Patterson saying this, he gently unclenches his ass cheeks). Bischoff tells Mick that he wants him to wrestle TONIGHT and that if Mick wins, Eric will quit as GM on the spot, however, if Foley loses, it's him who has to "retire" (until he returns with Linda's clipboard of Doom dispensing imaginary stipulations like it's no one's business). He says that Mick will face Randy Orton and Foley says he'll only agree if Evolution and Bischoff himself are barred from ringside. Bischoff agrees, and Foley adds that it will also be for Orton's IC Title.

They announce that next week will be the Best of RAW 2003. The show is scheduled to run about 6 minutes.

Mark Henry & Matt Hardy Vs. Huffman Squared (Booker T. & Maven); Maven is wearing trunks that appear to be made out of the same material as a Glad trash bag which is apropos if you think about it. I kid, Maven. This match never really clicks, thanks mostly to the morbidly obese Predator on the apron. Unfortunately, it is not Henry who gets pinned, but Matt Hardy who eats an "Ask-kick" by Booker for the win.

Backstage Jonathan Coachman wants to interview Goldberg but Goldy is having none of it, so Coach barges into his locker room anyway and some imaginary hijinx ensues.

La Resistance is in the ring. They are interrupted by an angry Goldberg who kills them DEAD with spears and jack hammers O'plenty. He then breaks the French Flag in half, cause you know we're at War with France you know...What? We're not?... Nevermind.

Eric makes another appearance and this time "suspends" Goldberg from the active Roster for 30 days, which in my opinion might not be the best way to use a guy with about 100 days left on his contract, but what do I know?

Mick Foley is seen discussing his comeback match with Shawn Michaels. He asks Shawn If he can resist the temptation of Wrestling once he starts again. HBK responds "At first you'll wanna come back and put all the new kids over, but you won't, You'll then put it off for a year and really not elevate anyone". Ok he never really said that, sue me. Anyway, bottom line is HBK says once you start you can't stop, kind of like Bradshaw dry-fisting rookies.

HBK & RVD Vs. HHH, Batista & Ric Flair; (Goldberg was removed from the match) Triple H is currently retaining more water than Hoover Dam. You'd think he was just coming off something, ahem. RVD is in full "stiff" mode here dispensing more potatoes than an Irish Food Bank. The Ref gets bumped at one point and RVD hits the five-star on Batista. Triple H breaks up the fun by delivering a pedigree and puts Batista atop for the cover. The groggy Referee makes a count but Rob kicks out at two. The match continues and RVD takes out both Batista and Flair (who appeared to be completely made out of Spam tonight) on the floor leaving HHH and HBK, one on one. H's goes for the pedigree but Micheals back body drops out, HBK then tries a superkick but misses the first attempt but connects seconds later and gets the pin.

Bleh, everything makes sense now. Quick, someone shoot me a Wolfpack sign!

Jon Heidenreich Vs. Rico; Wow, they're giving this rematch away for FREE? Rico is wearing a singlet tonight but continues to look like a Sexually curious Wolverine despite. Rico plays his mind games and Heidenreich appears to know the chapter on Kurrgan in the "Big Book of Generic Hoss Offense" verbatim. This one seems to continue on forever which considering the work rate of the rubbery Heidenreich is definitely not the best idea. Rico utilizes a distraction by Jackie Gayda and wins after hitting the neckbreaker on Jon who hits the deck like a sack of shit, or sack of "Heidenreich" as it were.

Chris Jericho tries to apologize to Trish but she ain't listening. (She must have a DUFF in her ear. For those who don't know, DUFF= designated ugly fat friend, who usually bad mouths the boyfriends out of sheer bitterness. They ALL have a DUFF)

Y2J Vs. Kane. They both break out their year 2000 stuff, sans spilling coffee of course. This story was more about sacrificing Jericho for his defiance to Easy E than anything else. Jericho gets himself Disqualified when he hits Kane with a chair. Kane does fire off a choke slam before he leaves though.

Christian comes to the ring to apparently check on his "buddy" when he shoves Jericho down. Touchet.

Randy Orton Vs. Mick Foley; Intercontinental at stake plus a shitload of stipulations. Mick comes out and stalls on the floor before it can get under way. Foley then inexplicably leaves and goes backstage where he collects his gear and attempts to leave the building. Eric Bischoff informs him that leaving the Arena will constitute a forfeit and he'll be done but Mick doesn't care. Randy Orton then tries to get to Foley and even spits in his face (Grenier is later heard saying, "Well, he's lucky, at least it was spit") anyhoo, Foley heads off into the sunset anyway to close the show.

While it appears that this was just another "bait and switch", I suspect this angle will run more deep with Foley revealing that he either can't bring himself to compete, knowing full well he'll get addicted or that he's second guessing himself, feeling that he doesn't "have it" anymore.

Highlight: Jericho's character development and The build to Foley & Orton. The tribute package was a nice touch too.

Lowlight: Heidenreich. Period. You know when your offense makes Giant Gonzalez look like Lou Thesz that it's time to find another profession, like say, Kamikaze Pilot

RAW Report (12/22/03) Best of RAW 2003

This was a taped highlight show, so I thought I'd do the same and just cut and paste various Rant snippets where it calls for it. Why? Because A) I am lazy, and B) I've already written reviews for most of these matches before.

HBK Vs. Y2J; This was the match that turned the show around no doubt about it; Both men wrestled a classic encounter and even emulated eachothers trademark holds and spots, Jericho played the ideal heel right to the end, I was so into this one....until a Rolling clutch pin and HBK goes over! ....I guess a little HBK still lives in his heart for the lord (Before you get all religious on me, I myself am a Christian) The booking made no sense. Granted, Michael's is a WWE legend, but what sense does it make to have Shawn, who is hardly capable of wrestling anything close to a full schedule, go over Y2J who needs a win to solidify his Top Tier status? Oh well Jericho looked strong at least and even laid out HBK in a classic heel moment after their epic encounter.


Victoria Vs. Trish Stratus; WWE Women's title at stake; Hardcore rules are in effect here, and not the way you're thinking sicko. This match took place before The Fan went up back in January, so I never reviewed it originally. This was one of the best Women's matches I've seen by far, which pleased my "inner mark" greatly. However, my "inner mark" was overpowerd by my "inner pervert" who couldn't help but notice how many times Victoria's tits almost spilled out of her top. I apologize in advance for that comment but I have a disease...it's called being a Man. Lots of stiff shots here (in more ways than one, wink*wink) and finally when it looks like Trish will be carrying the Women's belt back to T.O. in her overnight bag, Steven Richards becomes involved and assists Victoria who pushes Trish off the apron and face first to the guard rail to collect the easy pin on the floor and retain her title.


RVD Vs. Christian; Ladder match, Intercontinental Title at stake. I went on record stating that RVD & Christian finally got on the same page with their effort last week, and this week they took it up a notch, putting on the most exciting RAW main event in a long time. Both men take crazy bumps and deliver some original spots too, something seldom seen in this sort of environment. RVD and Christian end up fighting on the ladder and it tips over and Christian crumples to the mat. However RVD sprung to a second ladder that was set up in the corner and crushed Christian with a huge 5 Star frog splash. RVD recovers and places the Ladder over Christian so in essence he's pinned under the bottom rung as Rob scales the ladder grabbing the IC belt to become a 4 time Champion to close the show.

Goldberg Vs. The Rock; Speaking of everything thats wrong with wrestling, here comes the career killer himself, the worlds toughest Diva, William Goldberg. Id be remiss in not pointing out that the WWE sissified his music by 28% or so, thus ruining the one thing he had going for him, a cool entrance. Id also be remiss in not pointing out the fact that the crowd has pulled a Steiner and shit all over Goldberg in favour of the Rock, before Whoopi even stepped in the ring. If Vince is banking on this guy turning things around, hes in for a rude awakening. But, if Goldberg is everything thats wrong, then Rocky is everything thats right. He does here what he always does, and thats make his opponent look interesting, if not particularly good. Because, my friends, this match does not fall into the category of good. Its as if they chopped off the beginning and the middle and went straight to the final minutes. Billy boy gets the obvious win following 3 of his crappy spears, which Rock sells as if he got hit in the chest with a weight, before putting the nail in the coffin with the jackhammer. On principle, I want to give this a thumbs down, but Rock doing the work of 10 men and a semi-hot finish make me almost give a guilty thumbs upaw fuck it. You lose, Berg, thumbs down.

Stone Cold Vs. Eric Bischoff: No Way Out; I'll bottom line this one paraphrase Stone Cold. Austin's wearing his Jean shorts tonight which is usually a non-verbal Stone Cold wasy of saying "I don't give a fuck about this match" (see Rikishi in 1999;) Austin comes out to a huge ovation and completely annihilates Eric is short order and pins him after three consecutive stunners. In a side note, it was a little difficult to take Eric serious as a spry "Martial Artist" when he's built like a pregnant woman, and he was wearing BLACK...and that's, you know, supposed to be slimming.


Kane Vs. Shane McMahon; Ambulance Match. Apparently it's the same stipulation as the famed Bam Bam Bigelow/Mike Awesome "Ambulance Match" and by "Famed" I mean "steaming pile of shit". Actually both Kane and Shane work hard even though it's basically a poor mans Casket match (or Rich man's actually because Ambulances are more expensive..I stand corrected.) They take the carnage backstage and Shane backs an SUV into Kane sending him cascading through some glass. It came across well. They make their way back towards the aisle where the two exchange shots into the ambulance with Kane to his credit absorbing several unprotected shots. Shane grabs a box of stuffing and sets it beside Kane who is in Shane-Terminator position. Shane then climbs to the top of the ambulance and delivers said Terminator absorbing the blow with the box of padding. It probably came off better to the crowd, but it was still a gutsy move. Kane rebounds and tombstones Shane onto the concrete then shoves him in the ambulance for the win, all but negating the 60 plus Shane McMahon house show wins over him -note sarcasm.

Ric Flair Vs. HHH for the World Title; The crowd's reaction to Flair made this match seem special. In the ring it was average at best but it had that "feel" to it. Flair was atleast booked strong getting all his trademark spots in (He even finally hit that flip over the buckles spot he's missed for twenty years.) They teased Flair actually bagging the Title several times until HHH got his vanity win with a pedigree (no shit?) Kevin Nash ofcourse "walks" in at the end and totally scoops Flair's heat as we're brought crashing back to reality as we're once again reminded on the Kliqs collective booking handjob....Btw Austin makes the Bad Blood Title rematch between Trip's and Nash a Hell in the Cell match....You know what would make this match better? If you put a smaller cage inside and had the ringside area surrounded with dogs...hey wait!


Team Austin( Booker T.,HBK, RVD, & The Dudleys) Vs. Team Bischoff (Y2J,Orton,Christian,Henry & Steiner;) This was by far the best match of the night. Steiner faces elimination after a Steiner Recliner (A.K.A. the shitty rear-chinlock of DEATH) on Booker, but is interrupted by Stacy Keibler who distracts BPP long enough for him to end up eating a Dudley inverted neckbreaker then the Book-End by Book for the pin. Mark Henry surprisingly continues the fucking of Booker T. in Texas by pinning him after a "World's Strongest Slam" or World's least creative name for a finisher" as I call it. Henry is out next after a 3D and Five Star by RVD and a gang pin (not to be confused with "Gang Rape" by Bradshaw). With most of the luggage gone, this one picks up the tempo. RVD gets RKO'd by Orton next after a Jericho assist. D-Von gets hit with a twirling Flashback by Y2J to taste elimination as well. Bubba follows soon after with an Unprettier by Christian. This leaves HBK to face the three remaining members of Team Bischoff (Jericho,Christian & Orton). HBK gets thrown into the stairs outside and blades something awful, because it's just flowing here. It all makes for great drama though as HBK hits a desperation superkick on Christian and collapses on top for the pin. Jericho goes for the walls but gets small packaged by HBK next to be eliminated. Jericho however clobbers Michaels with a chair since he no longer has anything to lose. This leaves just Orton & Michaels, and HBK looks to finish when Bischoff comes into the ring and gives HBK a cheap shot. Austin goes ape-shit and comes in and annilhilates Da Bisch, and gives Orton a stunner for his troubles as well. Austin brawls with Bischoff up the ramp when Batista slips in from the crowd and hits a huge sit-out powerbomb on HBK as Orton gets the one arm draping pin to end Austin's WWE Career.

Winner & Sole Survivor: Randy Orton;

After the match Austin helps up HBK who says he's sorry. The crowd is expecting Austin to stun Michaels here but he doesn't and instead thanks Michaels for what he tried to do.

Austin comes back to the ring for his farewell and tells the crowd that he started his career in Dallas. Coach comes out with "security" singing that irritating "Na,na,na,na, goodbye" song. Austin ends up pulverizing everyone in the ring and beats the shit out of Coach. Most surprising though was during the beating, Coach's black make-up smudges off revealing him to be a white man!..Ok that last part was bullshit.

Side notes: Many clips of various RAW moments were aired throughout the show including the abortion that was RAW X, The "Rock" concert and also Mae Young casting the cob webs off her loins to deliver a bronco buster to Eric Bischoff from the Red Neck Triathalon with Steve Austin at Summer Slam. Good family viewing for everyone I say.. I for one though, can never look my own Grandmother again.

They played a classy in Memorium to all the fallen WWE(F) superstars this past year, except for The Wall, who since he never worked for Vince is obviously not important. (to Vince,...before I get hate mail.)

Lowlight: Besides Coach being on my screen for 2 hours hosting along with Jerry Lawler who apparently had his big book of dated jokes on hand, the only lowlight I can see is the non inclusion of the Kane Vs. HHH Mask Vs. Title match, which arguably was RAW's biggest angle in 2003. Oh well , maybe next year.

Well that's it. I'll be back next week with a Full Rant.



RAW Report: (12/29/03)

The show opens with Randy Orton coming out to Mick Foley's theme music. Orton calls Foley a "coward" for backing out of their match and has Lillian Garcia proclaim him the winner and new "Hardcore Icon". Booker T. comes out and challenges Orton for the IC Title, but when he finds out he's in his home state of Texas he says "Fuck it! I'm screwed then, nevermind"..Ok he didn't say that but it's true. Mark Henry attacks Booker from behind thus prolonging the World's most boring feud. After the ambush, Orton decides to accept Booker's challenge and that match will apparently happen later this evening.

RVD Vs. Scott Steiner; This match had the potential to be a worse idea than an all mongoloid spelling bee, but it turns out to be relatively unoffensive. Scott Steiner throws some of those "I guess they're not REALLY banned after all" belly to belly suplexes including one from the top rope. RVD eventually rebounds and hits a succession of trademark spots. He finishes Scotty with the Five Star completely clean. At first glance, one would think that Rob was getting a "push", but it may be more that Scott Steiner is in the dog house, after being a bigger disappointment than a virgin hand-job in his interim with the Fed.

Classic HBK moment sees him defeat Sid for his 2nd WWF Title in the Alamo Dome in 1997. The part where he fakes a knee injury two weeks later and fucks off for months is inexplicably edited out of the clip however.

Christian reads Jericho the riot-act about choosing Trish over him. Come on Chris! Bro's before Ho's! It's in your "All About Being A Man Handbook", come on!

Coach is man on the scene in "Stamford" and certainly not "backstage", where apparently Linda will argue for Stone Cold and Vince will argue "against". However, we will see none of it.

They show clips from Smackdown in Iraq last week. Footage of Vince purposely stranding Rhyno in the Desert is not included however.

The Dudleys Vs. Two Jobbers; What's the best way to get a stale act like the Duds "over" again? Put them in the ring with two people no one cares about of course! Makes perfect sense to me. Ric Flair is the guest referee as appointed by Eric Bischoff. Bubba "recklessly" uses a closed fist so Ric has no choice but to disqualify him. The Duds go ape shit and pummel Flair until Batista runs in and lays out both Dudleys.

2nd classic HBK clip, this time HBK defeats HHH at Summer Slam 2002.

Bischoff gives the referees a pep talk backstage and tells them to be more "strict" in enforcing the rules. No one however has the balls to ask Baby Earl why he always counts the winning pin so SLOWLY or why Nick Patrick always looks like he's reading a good book under a tree while administering his counts.

Vince recaps his testimony to the "Board of Directors" He says he always does what the fans want, so long as they want HHH, immobile steroid monsters, skits with himself making out with women and he and his family in all the TOP angles...He's doing it all for US, damn it!

Austin is shown speeding into the backstage area and almost runs over Terri Runnels,Lita,Stacy and Trish. Austin having no regard for the physical well being of women? Kind of makes sense if you think about it.

Booker T. Vs. Randy Orton; Intercontinental Title on the line; Decent match here but the result is of course a forgone conclusion though, cough"theyfuckBookerinTexas"cough. Book looks to have things well in hand after an "ask-kick" but Kane's pyro goes off and he walks to ringside. The appearance of a 7 foot phallic symbol slowly walking to the ring is apparently enough of a distraction to allow Orton to hit the RKO and retain. Kane decimates Booker after the match because, well, you know, it's in Texas. I'm surprised they just don't show footage of Vince taking a big shit on Booker's front lawn and just get it over with already.

Your final classic HBK moment is HBK defeating HHH for the World Title in the Elimination Chamber. What makes this moment more memorable is the fact that HBK wore the single ugliest pair of tights in existence here. WWJD? I tell you what, he wouldn't wear those tights, that's for sure.

Back in "Stamford", Linda tells Coach that she was "passionate" about Stone Cold's cause while delivering her lines with the emotion of the 1960's TV Sitcom robot.

Jericho tries to give Trish a Christmas present but she's not having it. She then busts out her acting chops and says that Jericho "broke her heart". Tori Spelling was later heard saying, "wow, was that some bad acting"....

Austin is sitting in his truck *drinking* when his cell goes off. But it's a false alarm.

Trish Stratus, Lita & Stacy Keibler Vs. Molly Holly, Miss Jackie & Victoria; This one had the potential to be a clusterfuck, but they all looked hot in their Christmas outfits as I'm reminded how much I'd like to place their boxes under my Tree...BONG. There's your tasteless Yuletide analogy for this year. I thought I'd leave the one about my Missile toe belt-buckle for next year. Molly works 90% of this match but ends up eating a Trish bulldog for the loss. After the match, Victoria turns on Molly.

Stone Cold finally gets the phone call and he's back on RAW.... as General Manager?!. Austin is pissed off and drives away after telling whomever was on the phone that it wasn't what he wanted. So, This what it feels like to be back to square one, huh?

HHH Vs. HBK; World Heavyweight Title match; This is under "Kliq rules" meaning that no one's spot is threatened so expect a great match. HHH must be off the juice because he continues to get a little soft, but in his defense, at least his balls will now return to their regular size which will please Mrs. Helmsley greatly. Both men pull off all the stops and put on a FANTASTIC match that actually uses psychology and tells a story. (I have visions of RVD sitting back stage saying "what's that?" and someone answering: "Well, Rob, that's called a headlock". RVD "why is he limping now?".. "well, Rob, that's because..." Ok, you get my drift.) This one carries on for more than a half hour when Earl gets bumped and Michaels has it seemingly won. Bischoff runs down to tend to Hebner then continues the match as Referee himself, but HHH kicks out before Eric can count to three. Michaels eventually hits the superkick and collapses atop HHH and gets the pin and seemingly the Title ~until~ Bischoff reveals that Michaels shoulders were down as well, and in the case of a double pin, the win goes to the champion. (and not the title being held-up like it has been for 30 years..) Michaels ends up striking Bischoff prompting Easy E to "fire him". Well, until Steve Austin returns apparently having got what he wanted, and says that Michaels is not fired, and he'll also get a rematch with Trips.

Austin stuns Bischoff to close the show.

-Well everything that was old is, new errr, well still old, actually.

Highlight: The Main Event. Squeezing a MOTC into the last week of the year? Why not?

Lowlight: The payoff of the Austin storyline. So he's Co-GM, again? Ok then.