Smackdown Report: (11/07/03)

I'd like to apologize for the tardiness of this report, but fate can be a cruel bitch and this past week she's kicked me in the nuts a few times, first with my computer crashing, then earlier today as "Chet Sean" was about to be back in business, someone on my street was doing renovation on their house and accidentally knocked out a power line. The power was out 2/3 of the day and I just got around to writing the rant, so needless to say I'm not going to bore you with anymore details of my painfully boring existence, I'll save that for my next Back-Leg Frontkick. So in closing, I'm tired, uptight and not exactly feeling up to my usual standards, which are low anyway, but in any event, here we go:

John Cena Vs. Rey Mysterio; The show opens up with Rey-Rey and Cena who is monster "over" here foreshadowing his face turn. Cena cuts a emasculating rap on Rey that sees him get his penis metaphorically handed to him faster than John Bobbitt during Lorena's monthly's...Ya that's right. Good big person trying to catch little person formula here (a routine invented by Michael Jackson for the record) eventually The ref gets bumped by a rebounding Cena who was hit with a 619. Rey tries the west coast pop but Cena catches him low making paste picante out of his genitals. Cena then hits the academic F-U for the win.

Team Lesnar comes out with Paul Heyman sans baseball cap(?!). They offer Cena the 5th spot on the Hoss squad but Cena turns it down. Big mistake as he now has to contend with some green horn revenge offense by Jones, Morgan & Show. A-Train gets involved too and Lesnar absolutely decimates C-Note with a chair shot.

After the break Heyman offers A-Train the 5th spot on Team Lesnar. "Workrate" who was barely on life support anyway is then seen flat lining.

Bradshaw Vs. Big Show; non-title match. Michael Cole who I'm happy to say is singlehandedly keeping the clothing store "Really Gay Turtlenecks" in business makes mention that Bradshaw will be on some financial TV show. If now only Bradshaw could combine his two loves of the stock market and raping rookies into one activity. However, in a side note, Bradshaw was seen going into Orlando Jones locker room with a rolled up Wallstreet journal and devilish grin on his face, so read into that what you will. Anyhoo, typical Hoss fare here but hardly as bad as the spoilers made it sound. Bradshaw gets overzealous with the clothesline from Hell and walks into a throttle and subsequent choke slam by Show for the duke.

Paul Heyman hits on Torrie backstage but his eyes really say Kidman.

Undertaker is shown discussing his match with Vince McMahon. Undertaker spoke of McMahon atoning for his actions and they actually showed footage of Bret Hart and Montreal, and by showing the footage in that context, that my friends is as close as Vince will ever get to officially apologizing.

Eddie Guerrero Vs. The Bashams in a handi-cap match; Shaniqua is at ringside. You know Shaniqua reminds me of Chyna only female..BONG. Anyway The Bashams have a new video and theme and they seem to be playing up the S&M factor more, except one would be leaning a lot more towards "M" than "S" to have any sort of sexual relations with Shaniqua. Eddie survives this one by retrieving Shaniqua's cat o'nine tails and whips the ref in the ass. He then passes it to Danny Basham so the ref would think it was him who did it. This distraction allowed Eddie to get a school boy rollup for the win.

Vince McMahon comes out and gets a lone spotlight on him in the ring (sweet irony) and proceeds to cut a very "Warrior" like promo only without the obligatory Jim Hellwig sniffles at the end. To Bottom line it: Vince is on a mission from God to destroy The Undertaker, but hey, who isn't these days?

Cousin Jamie Noble & Ultimo Dragon Vs. Cousin Nunzio & Tajiri; Am I the only one who remembers that Noble and Nunzio are supposed to be "cousins"?..I guess so.... Noble is still pissed that Tajiri blew mist in his girlfriend's eyes, but you can't think that Nidia hasn't had that happen before, she was a stripper you know.

Good match here although not as great as it should have been. Dragon continues to struggle with the WWE style as he has yet to "unlearn" all that "ability" he had in Japan. Bleh. You know, when they ask you to watch tapes of Billy Gunn and Rikishi and say "do that" that maybe it's time to take your spikey mask and head back to Nagoya. Noble ends up tagging in and is completely on fire and ends up ducking a kick by Tajiri and muscling him into a modified magistral cradle for the win. " Anything but The Yakuza" try to attack Noble after the match but he slips out unscathed.

Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit & some bad Kharma Vs. Brock Lesnar, Matt Morgan, Nathan Jones & A-Train; Brock Lesnar sits at the commentators desk for the bulk of this match which is akin to leading a troop of Mongoloids into the woods then leaving them to their own devices to find their way home. Angle and Nathan Jones face off to start which reminds me alot of SuperMan Vs. Bizarro Superman, except Nathan's the opposite of Angle's ability. No one embarrasses themself however, but when your opposition is Angle and Benoit that's a give in. This one is basic face in peril Vs. power stuff until Brock comes back in and Angle goes ape shit suplexing everything in sight. The last two minutes of this match was great TV, unfortunately Big Show runs in and causes the disqualification. Bradshaw and his Haircut of Alternative lifestyles intervenes but gets smoked by Nathan Jones "Big Boot". This brings out Cena who gets annihilated as well when Brock gets his mits on a steel chair. Brock tags all the faces with the chair and Cole makes mention that no one can stop a team that weighs 1800 pounds, as if weight makes all the difference...My Mail Man is 400 lbs. but I'm pretty sure I can take him...although he is only 5'4"...anyhoo.

End show.

Well I'm not sure what to make of this. I didn't hate it, but I didn't think it was great either. Just sort of in the middle I guess.

Highlight: Cena Vs. Rey; If only to see that moment when the crowd finally "gets it" with Cena. Although if he ever dances with Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty, I won't be a happy camper.

Lowlight: There really wasn't anything offensive here. But I guess if one had to pick something, and if one didn't prefer "Hosses", one would pick Bradshaw against Big Show... "One" is me for the record.


Smackdown Report: (11/13/03)

Kurt Angle Vs. Nathan Jones; This match is ironic for the reason that both men have been known to shoot milk in their careers...anyhoo, Nathan is about as good as he's going to get at this point and it'd be interesting to see if Kurt can pull off the greatest miracle since Jesus turned water into wine (A skill Jake Roberts always hoped he could acquire during his "Christian" phase in 1996). Nathan Jones who usually manages to fall on his ass more than an old person in a bath tub did manage to stay vertical but honestly looked lost many times, waiting for Angle to lead him by hand through the spots. Angle however gets a respectable match out of Jones and looks to have it won after an ankle lock when Matt Morgan interfered causing the disqualification.

Bob Holly runs in and is more on fire than an ass full of hemorrhoids, laying stiff chair shots onto Jones and Morgan before calling out Lesnar, yet, I still flashback to late 1993 and the quote: "Hi, my name is Thurman Plugg... but my friends call me 'Sparky' ".

After the break 'Horse-shoe Holly" meets brother in dome Paul Heyman and demands Lesnar TONIGHT, but Paul insists that Holly wait until Survivor Series.

Backstage Vince looks worried and Sable is reading "WWE Unscripted" (spontaneously of course) when Vince informs us of a nightmare he had that involves maggots burrowing through his eyes, eating his guts and getting shit out. I then consciously decide to never eat again. Vince at the end of the spiel informs Sable that when he woke up he soiled himself (Always a turn-on to the ladies) luckily he was wearing his depends so everything worked out dandy. Speaking of "depends", If I'm going to shit myself, I think I'd rather wear a product called "For Sure" but that's just me.

Jamie Noble is out in the ring demanding Tajiri. He gets "The anything but the Yakuza" instead. Rey Mysterio makes the save and that leads us to....

Jamie Noble & Rey Mysterio Vs. Sakato & Akira; It always kills me when WWE changes names from something that is already ethnic. (ie: Little Guido to Nunzio). I'd understand if Jimmy Yang's name was Billy Bob or something but whatever. Decent match here ensues although in my opinion Sakato looked a little awkward at times but maybe it was just nerves. Tajiri gets involved and kicks Noble in the head from the apron leading to an Akira pin.

Backstage The Guerreros discuss their title shot when a "detective" tells Eddie that his wife's sister's cousin's former room mate (credit Space Balls) was in a car accident. The Detective's acting here however is more painful than getting a vasectomy from a Doctor with a degree from Trinidad. Eddie scurries off and Chavo is left behind.

After the break Chavo catches up with Heyman and asks for the title match to be postponed. Heyman agrees and makes it for Survivor Series. The Bashams interrupt the interview and Heyman makes a handi-cap match for tonight. (Hey maybe "Un-scripted" is really this show, because they've already recycled two angles just in this segment alone)

Undertaker is shown in a graveyard discussing Buried Alive, which coincidentally is the working title for RVD's autobiography. Taker basically says he's going to bury Vince alive which I kind of thought was the point of the match anyway. Decent promo which would have been better had Taker at least given us one "Rest In Peace" for old times sakes.

Those Basham Brothers Vs. Chavo Guerrero; They did a good job telling the story that Chavo is on the same level as Eddie albeit at the expense of a team that is supposed to be your champions. Chavo levels Danny with a tornado DDT and sends Doug to the floor. Man-iqua is up on the apron and gets a baseball slide for "its" troubles. Danny & Doug however pull the old switcheroo (without ultra-gay bumblebee tights to boot) and Chavo gets pinned with an inside cradle.

After the match The Bashams destroy Chavo with some decent tandem offense including a second rope spine buster.

After the break we see the Smackdown Trainer give Chavo the prom-night hands as Chavito sells his pain.

A-Train Vs. Bradshaw who is accompanied by at least a somewhat more masculine hairstyle; This one is Hoss-tastic if you're into big pudgy guys hitting each other real hard. Actually, all joking aside both men worked pretty hard. Bradshaw survives a Derailer and ends up hitting the Clothesline from the place you go when you don't repent your sinful lifestyle for the win.

Backstage Angle and Benoit are discussing the 5th Team member and Chris says he doesn't trust him. It of course turns out to be John Cena.

Sable brings "Father Frank" to pray for Vince but Vince just can't get into it. He asks if they can drop to their knees but Vince is not 13 so nothing bad happens. BONG. Vince turns up the creepy-meter and tells a somewhat horrified Father Frank that he'll bury Undertaker alive and send him to the Bowels of Hell.

Another Ernest Miller vignette airs. Someone call his Mama. After that, call Jim Cornette and buy Ernest a bus ticket to Louisville.

Chris Benoit & John Cena Vs. Brock Lesnar, Big Show and the iron-will of Michael Hayes. Cena cuts a rap burying Lesnar's team of Jolly Green Giants before shouting out to Method Man. Benoit and Lesnar looked very solid in the ring together and one has to hope that they go with a Lesnar/Benoit program post-haste and forget about "Thurman" and his 13 month revenge. Even Show worked hard here, and the match got Cena over as a viable main eventer as well, which was nice for a change. Benoit at one point hits the sickest German since Dr. Mengele, nearly dropping Lesnar on his skull. The end sees Benoit snare Lesnar with a crossface, allowing Cena to clock Big Show with his chain for the win.

All the spoilers mentioned Cena giving Benoit an F-U after the match in a move heavily PUSHED for by Michael "Whatcha mean I can't sing at your wedding?" Hayes. However the company obviously edited it out to prevent any heel/face confusion. Oh well.

-Decent show from a Wrestling standpoint but certainly not a good hard sell for the PPV. I really expected the usual obligatory "Everyone in the main event at the PPV brawling" closer, but whatever.

Highlight: Chris Benoit & Cena Vs. Lesnar & Show; It clearly demonstrated that a Benoit/Brock feud can be a totally believable match.

Lowlight: The whole fake cop/car accident deal with Eddie. What about just laying a guy out so he can't "participate" in a match? Rather than rehashing old nuggets that sucked even when they were "fresh" ideas.



Smackdown Report: (11/20/03)

Vince opens up the show with 120 lbs. of Botox on his arm. He shows the wear from his "Buried Alive" match last Sunday including a huge welt and a nasty scar on his head. Vince goes into great detail of his injuries including a crushed pelvis (I wonder if Trips suffered the same injury on his wedding night?). He said that an avenging angel helped him survive, and that is of course Kane who will be giving Undertaker's eulogy later tonight. Vince then says that he feels invincible, unstoppable and "Untouchable" and cue John Cena's music, and C-Note wastes no time cutting a rap on Vince.

Backstage Brock is seen chastising Team Lesnar for losing at the Survivor Series, collectively chewing out more assholes than Pat Patterson with a crop of bright eyed rookies- See what I did there? Lesnar tells them that they'll be in action tonight and that Nathan Jones will meet Chris Benoit and Big Show will meet John Cena to prove themselves, although it seems like Benoit and Cena are the ones really being punished.

Rey Mysterio Vs. Akio (Jimmy Yang); Last time I checked Yang was a Chinese name but don't let the facts get in the way of a good story, and besides all orientals look alike no?...No? OK I'll drop it. These two put on a FANTASTIC match that the spoilers just did not do justice to. If this is WWE style than I'll have another helping Madame. Move of the night goes to Mysterio who hits the tornado DDT on Akio that absolutely plants him (Think RVD). Akio misses "Yang Time" (corscrew moonsault) and Mysterio eventually bags the West Coast Pop spiking Akio one more time for the win. Great TV Match.

Paul Heyman is looking for Shannon Moore backstage when he passes a room where The Bashams in full bondage are being "Rewarded" by Shaniqua for their win at the PPV. Paul seems disturbed by this although according to some nasty rumors, it wasn't exactly a stretch to find two young guys chained to a wall with balls in their mouth after some of those cold, lonely ECW tapings in Mom's basement. I kid Paul.

Paul finds Shannon Moore backstage and tells him that since Matt Hardy bolted for RAW, that he'll make him a huge star. His second goal is to help Shannon pass successfully through puberty. In any event, Shannon will face Matt "Hey, sign that tall kid to a contract!" Morgan.

Shannon Moore Vs. Matt Morgan; Moore plays Smackdown's version of Spike Dudley here, bumping like a madman and in turn making Morgan looking like a million bucks (well maybe Mexican currency). Morgan wins with a sit out powerbomb and to his credit, as young as he is, he at least looks comfortable out there.

Bradshaw Vs. A-Train; Hell comes to Hoss Town as we go one more round. In a side note, Bradshaw's newest haircut seems to have crossed back over into the realm of heterosexuality for the time being. Bradshaw actually breaks out some ACTUAL wrestling with a small package and a go behind (although he gets plenty of practice with that, just ask Orlando Jordan, well, after he gets done icing his ass.) Train hits a stiff Derailer on the arena floor as everyone on the show continues to bust their asses tonight. Back inside, Bradshaw goes for the Clothesline from Hell after the usual missed A-Train charge but Train sees her comin' a mile away and plants Bradshaw with a bicycle kick for the duke.

Chris Benoit Vs. A broomstick, A.K.A. Nathan Jones; It's a shame about Nathan Jones, as he has everything that a wrestler needs to be a success with the possible exception of TALENT. In all fairness, Hillbilly Jim was big and immobile and he drew HUGE money....What? He didn't?!..Never mind then. You can practically see Benoit calling this one as Jones stares on with the deer in the headlight eyes, awaiting his next move as Benoit literally bounces himself off the Colossas of Bunghole road... hey, he WAS in prison. Benoit hits the three Germans and applies the crossface after countering a press slam by Jones when Brock Lesnar (Who had been in Jones corner all match) interfered. However, Benoit simply released the hold and swatted Brock off the apron and re-applied the hold on Jones for the tap out.

Brock assaults Benoit after the match until Stone Cold errr I mean Bob Holly runs-in and opens up a can of Valvoline (there ya go "Sparky"), and even the suspension of disbelief I had when I was told Techno Team 2000 was from the Future was put in jeopardy trying to swallow this. Hey I know the guy's tough, but just because you absorb a few punches from Bart "I'm half Mongoloid" Gunn doesn't mean you can hang with a 300 pound NCAA Champion.

Jamie Noble Vs. Tajiri; Cruiserweight title at stake; They give a Noble a rematch here for bumping him from the PPV. Decent back in forth match here but neithers best work, but I'm just nitpicking. Noble looks to have things well in hand after a Tiger driver when a blind Nidia wearing my Grandfather's special sunglasses (That make him look like a Mafioso from the year 3000 for the record) wanders to ringside allowing Tajiri to school boy Noble for the win. Not trying to be mean or anything but why would a woman who already had big tits get a boob job?...And leave that nose as is? Hey, I'm just saying, you're in surgery, why not splurge for the whole kit and kaboodle?

Paul is seen backstage with Haas & Benjiman who are apparently not mad at him for screwing them out of their title rematch. In a side note, "Continuity" is seen being bound and gagged and being thrown from the arena.

Los Guerreros Vs. Haas & Benjiman; Haas is sporting a very sinister goatee tonight to make up for his Maybeline moments earlier this year (Don't ask). Very short albeit sound match ensues that is eventually won by The Guerreros when Eddie connects on Haas with the frog splash. After the match the WGTT throw Eddie from the ring and work over Chavo's leg. Shelton creatively uses a steel chair to stretch out Chavo's knee until Eddie runs Haas & Benjiman off and tries to console him but Chavo's having none of it.

Another "Cat" vignette airs. And apparently White men can't dance. Well, black men can't skate! Aha! advantage Whitey!.....What, they can skate? Fuck. I have nothing.

Eddie and Chavo argue backstage as the Trainer tends to Chavo's knee. Chavo ends the segment by saying that he can only rely on his friends. I hope one of those "friends" is Pepe'. Although, if a wooden stick does make an appearance in the WWE, Nathan Jones and Mark Henry will be out of jobs.

Vince tells Big Show to go out and destroy Cena next and that leads us to:

John Cena Vs. Big Show; Non-title match; Show seems to be working a little lazy tonight as at one point he just gives up on a powerbomb(?) and drops Cena. There is at least some psychology being used as Cena's ribs are the story here after being worked on all match by Show. Cena grabs his chain and clocks Show with it ala Survivor Series but when he goes for the F-U the afforementioned ribs give out and Show collapses on him. Show brings in the steel steps and tries to throw them at C-Note but he ducks and soon after a stray boot by Show catches the referee, knocking him from the ring. Cena then grabs said stairs and hits a snug unprotected shot to Show's melon to pick up the win after a surrogate referee, Nick Patrick slides in and makes the count.

Cena celebrates as the show faces out.

-Very solid offering this week as everyone worked hard and took some unnecessary risks.

Highlight: Rey Vs. Akio; It may not of been the type of cruiserweight match that sees Teddy Hart puking afterward, but a solid effort nonetheless.

Lowlight: Bob Holly. What's next, Kwang The Ninja appears on RAW and attacks Goldberg? It's BOB HOLLY for the love of Pete.