RAW RANT ARCHIVE (November 2003)




 RAW RANT ARCHIVE (November 2003)

RAW Report: (11/03/03)

The show opens up with JR plugging the HBK/Henry match all the while backstage Patterson is plugging Grenier (ahhh, obligatory Patterson joke completed)

Y2J & Christian Vs. Booker T. & RVD; We are spared a twenty minute interview segment and go straight to the ring. Very good little match here as all four click. One cool spot sees Booker T. hit a double "Ask-Kick" on both Jericho and Christian. RVD continues his streak of full-on kicking Jericho in the face leaving the letters "OHADI" written backwards on Y2J's head. The clever Canadians eventually steal it when Jericho hits RVD with the rear naked choke drop as Christian holds RVD's legs down so he can't kick free (A frequent Jason Hart dating routine).

Austin runs into the unbridled charisma that is Johnathan Coachman and lets Coach know that he's going to whoop his ass whether Team Austin wins or loses at Survivor Series.

Terri Runnels interviews Molly Holly backstage about her impending Title match with Lita. Molly tells Terri that her(Terri) and Lita have alot in common. Besides big fake tits and a case of Butter face (Everything is good "but her face") what's left?...Anyway Molly beats the shit out of Terri dragging her out to the ring until Lita runs out to even the score. Lita chases Molly out towards the crowd when someone hits Lita with a wrench. JR bellows "it must be a setup!" As if a secret unplanned attack doesn't make it a foregone conclusion. The mystery fan turns out to be Gail Kim and the duo double-DDT Lita.

Stone Cold runs into HBK backstage who is wearing his HBK Jesus Fish T-shirt. (It was common place 2000 years ago that Shawn Michaels fans would signal each other by drawing an HBK Fish in the sand, so not to be seen by the Romans, as being an HBK mark was a death sentence in those days.) Austin not so subtly tries to ask HBK about joining his team and makes mention of wanting to raise as much hell as possible, which last time I checked wasn't exactly on the top of the agenda for Born Again Christians. After a painfully slow reaction, HBK finally accepts Austin's offer to be the 5th member of his squad.

Christian checks on Lita backstage who's being attended by the 400 pound trainer. All's well so Christian leaves her, but not before shooting a huge shit eating grin all but signalling to the audience that it's all a ruse. That's what I hate about WWE. Nothing is just left to our imagination as the WWE insists on letting us in on storylines rather than letting the story pan out. Is it obvious? Sure it is. However I'd like to just watch without being walked through by WWE for the benefit of the three people who don't "get it".

Maven Vs. Batista; Maven's trunks seem to be made out of a Glad trash-bag which is kind of apropos if you think about it. Standard "Me-Batista!..Me-Smash!" type of offense here. Batista counters a "Maven-Effect" with his third offensive maneuver, the clothesline. Batista powerbombs Maven for the win.

Well Batista spine-busters, clotheslines and powerbombs so a World Title push is all but sewn up for the big man. However when your in ring versatility makes Kevin Nash look like Dean "Fucking" Malenko, I'd say it's time to vary your offense.

We see Kane out by the ambulance and we get that whacky Wayne's Worldesque flashback (doodleydoo, doodleydoo,doodleydoo...). However, there appears to be no Scooby Doo ending insight.

Dudley Boyz Vs. Garrison"Hoss" Cade & Mark "Hoss" Jindrak; This is a "non-title" match, and the stipulation of "non-interesting" match is thrown in there as well. All four mean work hard at least. The end comes when as Bubba has completed the flip, the flop and the fly being on deck, Scott Steiner strangely shows up with Stacy pressed over his head allowing a distraction so Cade can break out a "clothesline from Purgatory" (not quite Hell, yet) on Buuba for the dukeroo. After the match The Duds are all smiles giving Cade and Jindrak the "Oh you little dickens!" look, sans the playful rustling of the hair though.

Austin and Bischoff have the "official contract signing" for their teams match at Survivor Series. I'm not going to get into this one because quite frankly I don't want to. Bottom-line is Randy Orton is now an official member of the Bischoff team.

Batista runs into Stone Cold backstage and calls him a coward.

Lance Storm Vs. The ghost of Rico; They're still beating a dead horse with Rico's gimmick here. Val Venis is out at ringside with the local strippers ala Godfather 1999; Short but decent match here as Lance knocks the moth balls off the old Canadian Maple Leaf and forces Rico to tap out. Val and the "ladies" come into the ring and everyone dances, much the way everyone would in Stu Hart's Dungeon....Bleh.

Jericho and Trish are talking backstage. Trish informs Y2J that she will be teaming with the sun fucked Kurrgan known as John Heidenreich tonight. She then reveals that Heidenreich showed her "Little Johnny" prompting Jericho to call him a pervert.

John Heidenreich & Trish Stratus Vs. Victoria & Steven Richards; Trish and Victoria carry the tempo until Turkey-man tags in and lays some 1985 offense down baby! Basketball Star Lebron James is at ringside and Lawler makes mention of him making eyes at Trish who's probably thanking her stars it's not Kobe Bryant in ringside...BONG. Heidenreich ends up winning with some sort of backbreaker into a gut wrench powerbomb on Steven that was as sloppy as a guy with two hooks trying to eat a hard Taco. (I've actually seen this in person).

Stone Cold tells Coach that he's going to be the special enforcer for tonights Henry/HBK match and says that he'll take any interference in this one as a sign of provocation.

HBK Vs. Marek Henry. Michaels actually pulls out some 1996 magic and carries Henry to a credible match. The bulk of the contest sees Henry manhandling Michaels but HBK rebounds and hits a super kick on the button after Henry botched a Vader-Bomb for the pin.

Austin congratulates HBK and then asks him to leave the ring because he's got business to take care of. HBK does, so Austin calls out Batista, who by the way this one is being booked should be facing Goldberg at Survivor Series as opposed to the absentee HHH.

Batista comes out after the break and he and Austin go at it. Henry tries to get involved and eats a stunner (and just about everything else backstage). This distraction allows Batista to beat down Austin until Bill Goldberg is shown limping to the ring. Goldberg lays out Henry with a steel chair then spears Batista in the ring. He's about to "Pillmanize" Batista (not to be confused with dying in your Hotel room) when Flair runs out and gets a spear for his efforts. This momentary distraction allows Batista to roll out of the ring unscathed.

Austin then wants to drink beer with Goldberg but "Da Man" refuses. Austin says to Goldberg: "You know what happens to people who don't drink beer with Stone Cold?" Goldberg answers: "Ya, I've talked to Debra"...Ok that last part is bullshit. Anyhoo, Goldberg demands Batista for next week and Austin obliges and they drink together. How sweet.

-I thought this show was Okay, but something seemed like it was missing (not HHH), plus building it completely around Austin who can't wrestle and Batista who has no one to wrestle is kind of counterproductive at this point.

Highlight: Opening tag match with Jericho/Christian Vs. RVD & Booker T. This is how you should always open up a show.

Lowlight: The contract signing. Painfully boring Dejavu for a match that has already been announced for three weeks.


RAW Report: (11/10/03)

The show opens up with all things a Lita promo(!?). You know how some people lose all their appeal when they open their mouths? Well, Jason calls those people "Women"... anyhoo. Thankfully Lita's promo is interrupted by a returning Trips who pulled out of Stephanie just long enough to remind us why he's getting the shot at the pay-per-view. He tells Lita to get lost and eventually Stone Cold makes his way to the ring and Austin & Evolution have words which would be great if it had anything to do with what's going to happen at Survivor Series. Austin ends up asking for security to escort HHH from the arena. Why can't WWE get some convincing "security"? These guys in question were dumpy and most likely drove pickup trucks full of fruit for a living as opposed to any sort of law enforcement. But hey, maybe I'm just nit-picking.

Team Austin and Team Bischoff have a spat backstage but it leads to nothing.

RVD Vs. Christian; Intercontinental Title at stake; For a minute there I thought RVD forgot how to throw a spinkick....anyway...RVD must of done his prematch Jean-Claude stretching routine in the back of Woody Harrelson's hemp van because he did more "Spot blowing" than a beastiality video. Christian throws Lilian Garcia out of her chair, and brings it into the ring, but you'd think Christian would have watched the thousand RVD matches in ECW because contrary to popular belief: YOU CANNOT HIT RVD WITH A CHAIR. (I'm using the big letters as a tip of my hat to Scott Keith. To better days my friend.) RVD legsweeps Christian in a move I'll dub the "Roach-clip" and hits a Rolling Thunder followed up by the 5 asterisk splash for the dukeroo.

Shane shows up at a Restaurant and makes a reservation for two and I was begging the Matra dee to ask "So the camera crew supposedly not really here won't be eating then?"...

Coach replaces Lilian Garcia as announcer, and I care only remotely.

La Resistance Version Deux Vs. Hurricane & Rosey; Conway & Dupree have matching tights now, which doesn't bode to well for Grenier, whom now that I think about it will probably be wearing one of those Hemorrhoid donuts to wrestle in when he returns thanks to the condition of his ass from Mr. Patterson's rim work. The heels or "Heel" (French people never pronounce S's at the end of their words) work over Rosey until he makes the lukewarm tag to Hurricane. However after Dupree hits a cheap shot, Conway hits his neckbreaker on Helms for the win.

Lita & Terri discuss their apparent tag match tonight with Molly & Gail Kim, however no one mentions the fact that someone must turn the thermometer down in every room Terri's in, because she's been ready to cut glass for the better part of 8 years. Eric Bischoff approaches and acts all smarmy. Standard shtick.

Val Venis and some random whores go into Lance's dressing room and apparently he's "nude" and the women look impressed (I guess that's why he's called Lance..BONG). That's what the WWE's 95% Male demo wants, "hung" guys....Why don't they just have Christian soap up Jericho's balls next and just get it out of their systems?...Bleh.

Shane orders his dinner. Did I just write this? I'm surprised they didn't cut away to Vince wiping his ass or Linda shaving her armpits because the W's obviously thinks we want to watch every minute detail of the McMahon's daily lives...unless it's Steph changing bras, in that case keep the "must see TV" coming.

Lita & Terri Vs. Gail Kim & Molly Holly; This match has car wreck written all over it. Terri is wrestling in a dress, and there's no way it's getting ripped off or anything...Molly ends up scoring the pin after an assist from Gail Kim and grabbing the ropes. Fit Finlay is seen beating his head against the wall after this one before fashioning a makeshift noose from his Reebok shoelaces. Oh and they strip and beat Terri after the match....

HBK Vs. Randy Orton; Not a bad match, but not to the levels of their Unforgiven bout. One funny comment was made by JR who claims that that this is not about body building, it's about Wrestling.... as no one muscular has ever gotten a break ever.....The Ref gets bumped and Orton tries to deliver a backbreaker on a chair to Michaels but he spins through and delivers one of his own and follows suit with the Jesus Christ Super Star errr "kick" to finish off Orton and get his win back. What was the point of that however? I guess the old Christian adage about giving someone the shirt off your back only applies if you get the shirt back eventually.

Kane shows up at the Restaurant wearing a spanking black cardigan sweater, all but shattering the Big Red Machine myth (Dress code baby!). The two have a lovely candle lit dinner and share spaghetti ala Lady and The Tramp...

Shane says he's void of any human emotion to sell that he has nothing to lose. The funniest thing to me about this segment was the fact that the other Restaurant patrons seemed OK with the seven foot insane guy with the dead Sammy Davis Jr. eye eating in their company.

Dudley Boyz Vs. Scott Steiner & Mark Henry. This is got to be some kind of rib here. Both Bubba & D-Von have their work cut out for them as Henry and Steiner have a habit of gassing out faster than an AMC Gremlin. Jim Ross makes his 2nd fuckball comment of the night when he claims Mark Henry is the strongest man who ever lived, but I'd think the 15 other guys who placed ahead of him in the 1996 Olympics might have something to say about that. Before the heavens can open up and swallow us all, Steiner causes a DQ by using a chair.

Eric Bischoff and Austin are seen backstage and Bischoff tells Austin that this will be his last night on RAW. Look for JR to be fired again next week and the vicious cycle starting all over again. Ever see the Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day?...

Jericho verbally abuses an intern backstage as Trish comes up and asks what's going on. He backpedals and gets a date out of Trish. I wonder what his wife thinks about this? However, It looks like Trish may begin challenging Torrie Wilson (who's character has been on more laps than a Free McDonalds newspaper) for most fake TV relationships.

Booker T. & Turkey man are seen talking backstage when Booker notices a note saying "I still remember", they then flash back to Team Austin running over a wharf fisherman with their car the previous summer and dumping the body....or maybe not.

Booker T. Vs. Y2J; Academic Booker match here with Book's perpetual motion causing him to be a little overzealous and blow a few spots. After countering the walls, Book gets Irish whipped into the corner but he transitions a Brisco roll up into a crucifix for the win. Both Team Austin and Team Bischoff end up coming out and a big brawl ensues.

Coach gets 3D'd by the Dudleys.

Batista Vs. Goldberg; They kept this one short and it actually wasn't as bad as originally thought. I don't care what the net says, I think Goldberg is working as hard as he's capable of, and I think that's all you can really ask of a wrestler. Goldberg is selling the leg and still manages to get an incredible press slam on Batista. Goldberg takes some Batista offense before exploding with a spear but HHH and his phallic sledgehammer break up the party for the DQ. Trips hits the murder.death.kill Pedigree and tries to use the sledgehammer but Whoopi gets a spear as well. Goldberg retrieves the hammer and pastes Batista with it as the show goes off the air.

This was the hard sell for the PPV, and I think they did their job because I "hardly want to buy it"..OK that was just an excuse to use that liner but WWE logic permits that Goldberg's dominance pre-pay-per-view means HHH is taking the turkey plate back this Sunday.

Highlight: By virtue of what was available, HBK and Orton. although the clean win all but unravelled any credibility Orton had.

Lowlight: Terri "Wrestling"; Carting Terri and her bullet-proof tits out to the ring to compete is as good an idea as Muhammad Ali performing open heart surgery.


Raw Report: (11/17/03)

The show opens with Team Bischoff and Eric himself in the ring gloating over the end of Stone Cold's career. For their efforts, Eric awards each member of Team Bischoff a favour. Sylvian Grenier fell into the same trap with Patterson and boy did his asshole pay the price. What? You didn't think I'd try to work Patterson into this rant at least once?

HHH and Evolution (sans Randy Orton who is already in the ring) come out and HHH insists that Team Bischoff only won because of Evolution's involvement and demands Goldberg tonight but wants a three on one match to which Bischoff agrees.

Booker T. Vs. Mark Henry; Decent formulaic match here as Booker finds ways to chop down Barry White. Booker finally succeeds and pins Mark Henry after putting his feet on the ropes for leverage.

La Resistance Version Deux Vs. Garrison "By Gawd" Cade & Mark "Hoss" Jindrak. I've decided to name the Cade/Jindrak tandem "Vanilla Pudding" on the account that collectively their personalities are milkier than the glands of Nathan Jones. Cade reads a passage from the "cheap heat handbook" and dedicates their match to the U.S. Army (is that war still going on?!). Another solid offering here that sees both teams gel well. The end comes when Cade & Jindrak hit the No-heat seeking missile (Hart Attack W/dropkick) on Rene Dupree for the win.

HBK is in the middle of an interview when Bischoff interrupts and tells him that it's his fault that Austin is history. HBK says that he unlike Eric loves the business and the trail of no jobbing and vacating Titles without losing them proves it. Ok I made that last part up. Eric has Shawn escorted from the building by "Security".

RVD Vs. Ric Flair; Intercontinental Title at stake; Referee tells Rob that the Frog splash is banned here. Apparently having a good match was "banned" the last time these two met but this time they more than make up for it as RVD's hot & cold performances continue. Randy Orton is on commentary with King & JR so that means he'll be definitely running-in. RVD eventually incapacitates Ric and says "fuck it" and goes up for the 5-Star anyway but Randy interferes and delivers an RKO from the top rope to RVD. He tries on RVD's belt after the match then goes ahead and fucks Rob's wife too. OK, maybe not, but there wasn't much left for Randy to punk RVD out after that.

RAW Roulette returns next week in Utah as we all know how the Mormons "Love 'Dem that Gambling!"

The Highlight Reel is up next and Jericho introduces his guest: Lita. Lita flexes her acting muscles as many 14 year olds exercise muscles of their own due to Lita's revealing ring garb. Y2J says that he's arranged a special guest to help Lita feel better about her loss at Survivor Series and it's not Christian. Matt Hardy then comes out to a huge pop and looks like he's going to propose (Gulp, does that mean we have to listen to that Randy & Liz song for the millionth time?) but before he can ask his question, Molly Holly interrupts. Jericho suggests a mixed match for tonight between the reunited couple Matt & Lita against Molly and a partner of her choice that turns out to be Eric Bischoff.

The Dudleys Vs. Scott Steiner & Test; World Tagteam Titles at stake; The Dudley's are decked out in new jerseys and yellow camouflage, which will come in handy next time we're at war with the sun. Bubba is also wearing shorts tonight, exposing pasty white legs that make my Grandmother's look like Stacy's in comparison. Another solid match as the officials make sure to program robot Steiner: suplex, pose,suplex. The end comes when Test asks Stacy to hand him one of the tag belts so he can use it as a weapon but she refuses and the distraction leads to a 3D onto Test and the win by The Dudz.

Matt Hardy & Lita Vs. Molly Holly and Eric Bischoff; Eric's wearing a suit so this one definitely is an angle. It's always a dead give away when wrestlers don't wear their ring gear. (How hard would it be for him to break out his Karate gui for the husky gentleman?). Molly and Lita start and stay in for the majority of the match until Molly makes a tag to the Bisch as Lita lunges for Matt who does the "dastardly heel drop off the apron cause you're on your own thang" Eric grabs Lita by the hair and snaps her back to the mat and collects a pin. Apparently this means that she's fired as we climb back onto this horse again.

Matt comes in and explains that the question he wanted to ask was "Why are you so selfish?" citing that she should have joined him on SD all along. Matt then tells her they're through, probably to the disdain of the little girls out there, but to the joy of the guys who don't want to see the object of the masturbatory fantasy with anyone.

Val Venis Vs. Rico; Lance Storm and his apparent huge genitals accompany Val for this match as Miss Jackie seconds Rico. Good match here but one with no real issue. Miss Jackie tries to get involved and falls out of her top and if I wasn't so lazy I might of taken advantage of that moment a little more. She apparently rubs up against the "Flag-pole" of Lance and is impressed, however her phallic indiscretion allows Val to hit the money shot on Rico for the win.

Lita is seen leaving the arena with what appears to be the severed head of a small dog sticking out of her gym bag. In a side note to the animal lover Lita: If you insist on snuggling up to something that can lick his own balls and shits everywhere, Jason is available. Christian stops Lita and informs her that he cashed in his favour in exchange for getting Lita's job back. She seems happy and apparently their going off together to have a good cry.

Backstage, Randy Orton informs Evolution that he cashed in his favour for an I-C title shot at Armageddon. He makes mention of great IC Champions and mentions some former Champions, but they then rag on Honky Tonk Man which hurts. They switch their focus back to Whoopi and HHH lets them know that only he gets the pinfall tonight against Goldberg.

Chris Jericho runs into Trish who's mad because he apparently had a hand in the Matt Hardy set-up. Jericho vehemently refuses and scores a kiss from Trish. Man, someone's easy. (not that this a bad thing).

Goldberg Vs. HHH, Randy Orton & Batista; Hey it's funny but since a certain Florida Doctor who's been accused of distributing steroids to un-named wrestlers, SOMEONE sure has gotten a little thick around the middle, or maybe it was all that Wedding Cake. Goldberg like a trooper is still selling the ankle although someone should tell him that with the gnat-like attention span of the audience, they've probably forgotten about the injury already. Goldberg holds out as long as possible but eventually Evolution over comes him with an RKO, sitout powerbomb and Pedigree to allow McHelmsley to score his vanity pin. HHH then grabs the mic and tells Goldberg that he will face him next week for the title. Evolution tries to Pillmanize Goldberg only on the neck with a chair but Kane's music hits and the heels scramble but it's all for naught as Kane choke slams (an obviously sand bagging) Goldberg to close the show.

Good RAW over all.

Highlight: Besides Jackie Gayda's big fake titties coming up for air (not a refill though) the matches were all solid here and were given ample time to develop.

Lowlight: I might be one of a thousand voices here, but did Trips really have to get his win back? And for a guy who's on leave, he sure does make alot of appearances.



RAW Report: (11/24/03)

Before we get to the Rant I have to say how much I hate our shitty Canadian TV here. While all you Americans were watching RAW live, dick in hand, waiting for another Jackie Gayda "nip-slip", us Canucks were forced to wait until past 10 because of a Hockey Game. Fucking Canadian broadcasting. They'd never do this to Degrassi or Royal Canadian Air Farce! You think they'd postpone Anne Murray? Not on your life. She's the most powerful woman in the history of Canada you know, (And not Celine Dion, whom WE FUCKING HATE). In any event it finally came on, and I can't help but feel a little violated...Ok maybe not, but Jackie might've fallen out again, and I'd have missed it. Anyhoo...

The show opens up with Eric Bischoff in the ring with the RAW Roulette wheel and two showgirls. HBK interrupts Bischoff who in turn is interrupted by Batista who claims it's because of him that Austin is gone. The two want to get it on but Bischoff instead makes that match for the PPV, much to the "Delight" of the Utah crowd. Come on Eric, give them something, all they have are the Osmonds & Roseanne Barr (who for the record was never really the same after her Uncle Epstein got sick....Ok, now I'm being stupid.) Eric does state that since they want each other so bad they can face each other in tag action with Flair as Batista's partner and Jericho as HBK's.

Lita Vs. Victoria in a Steel cage match; Lita is forced into this match by the wheel which is spun by Molly Holly. Victoria is not accompanied by Steven Richards who is probably still at home trying to scrub the puke off his rugs....What? Come on, how long am I supposed to wait before I can make fun of someone dying?...Lita manages not to "Gail Kim" herself or Victoria and eventually hits the moonsault but opts to crawl out of the cage as opposed to going for the obvious pin. Matt Hardy however is waiting and slams the door on her head allowing Victoria to score the pinfall.

Matt Hardy comes into the cage after the match presumably to beat down Lita when Christian makes the save.

Randy Orton is backstage awaiting what his match will be tonight. Bischoff says that he spun the wheel already and it landed on "Legend Killer" match. Bischoff said that he flew in a Legend just for this match.

Hurricane and Rosie come to Bischoff asking what they're match is going to be.The wheel lands on "Capture the Midget" match that was of course made famous by Ed "Strangler Lewis in the 1930's. As much as I wanted to see a "capture of the midget" match I'd be remised if I didn't say that I was wishing that it had landed on Albino Inferno match...whatever.

Randy Orton Vs. Half of Sgt. Slaughter; Apparently The Sarge accidentally ran over a Gypsies daughter and as revenge he cursed Slaughter with "Thinner" (Come on! I can't be the only one who knows Stephen King!). Sarge must have dropped like a hundred pounds since he last wrestled in July. Sarge gets the cobra-clutch early but Orton escapes and eventually goes low on the Sarge and hits him with the RKO for the win.

Orton tries to beat down Sarge post-match but RVD makes the save.

Val Venis and Lance Storm are talking backstage with their "dates" when the midget runs by being chased by Rosey & Hurricane and hilarity ensues, and by "hilarity" I mean the complete opposite of. Thanks Brian Gerwirtz, and congratulations on a job...done.

Matt Hardy is back with the wheel and it lands on "Strange Bedfellows" to which Matt has a funny ad lib of "I don't know what you've heard but Matt Hardy is straight", I would have marked out though had he followed up that statement with: "However, my brother Jeff, He LOVES DA COCK". Eric tells Matt that the match will be a tag team match with unlikely partners.

"GARRISON" Cade & Bubba Ray Dudley Vs. Matt Hardy & Christian; During the match Jim Ross tries desperately to put over Cade, even stating: "remember the name "Garrison Cade, folks", Although maybe JR should follow his own advice. Ok match that sees Cade exhaust at least 4 out of the 5 moves in the big book of generic Texan wrestling holds (1991 Dustin Rhodes wrote the book). Matt walks out on Christian during the match allowing Bubba to hit the Bubba-bomb on Christian and Cade to tag himself in and hit a flying elbow from the top for the win.

After the match Cade and Bubba have words and they tease some decention.

Goldberg Vs. HHH's Big Fucking Ego; The whole world took their hat off to HHH after the Survivor Series but after the last two weeks of RAW I've glued my hat to my head in regards to the H's. The announcers make mention that Goldberg is still nursing the injured ankle, although it might have been a good idea to maybe remind Goldberg of that. They put this match on in the middle of the show all but guaranteeing no Title change. HHH and Goldberg put on a decent outing and Goldberg looks to have things wrapped up after a military press into a powerslam when Randy Orton slides in and tries to RKO Goldberg but ends Goldy ends up spearing Randy as the timekeeper mysteriously rings the bell. However, it's simply a miscue and H's hits the pedrigree of DEATH but before he can get the three, Kane explodes down the aisle and this one shmazzes out.

Kane chokeslams Goldberg;

Backstage HHH barges into Bischoff's office and demands another Title match with Goldberg (sigh) but Kane barges in and demands the same thing. Bischoff decides to make it a triple threat match to appease everyone...well except me and 90% of Wrestling Fans.

Mark Henry Vs. Booker T. Poor Book remains trapped in limbo with a 400 pound albatross around his neck. This match is a "Salt Lake City Street Fight" but some how I don't think the latter day saints would approve. Typical Steve Blackman-esque hardcore match here with trash cans and such. Mark impresses everyone who has the last name of McMahon by bending some stuff. Book ends up eating a couple of trash can shots(!?) and Henry pins him, but hey it doesn't surprise me, the only "Book" to ever go over here was the Mormon bible.

The wheel is shown landing on Bra & Panties matches and apparently Trish will compete in said event.

Trish is shown running into Jericho and she asks him to "do the right thing" tonight with HBK and she has an incentive for him tonight if he does. What a whore. But, hey, I LOVE whores!

The midget ends up in JR's lap and he's announced the winner. I really wanted to make a joke here but it speaks for itself.

RVD Vs. Test & Scott Steiner; Bischoff and Orton spin the wheel making RVD's match a handi-cap Singapore cane match with Test and Steiner, although the name "You better keep your fucking stoner mouth closed from now on!" match somehow seems more fitting. RVD tries his darndest to fend off the two but he ultimately succumbs to Test but at least gets a five-star splash on Steiner first.

Jericho tries to get Trish out of her bra and panties match but Eric isn't budging. Eric tells Jericho that he's falling for Trish and asks Jericho where he stands tonight, but Chris insists he'll do the righ thing.

Trish Stratus Vs. Miss Jackie in a Bra and panties match; Although the object of this match was to strip down, Jackie seemed paranoid of another curtain call of her nipples. Standard B & P stuff here. Rico gets pantsed revealing him to be wearing a thong and thankfully he was wearing it the right way...Trish loses her top but ends up winning by stripping Jackie down, although to the chagrin of the audience all baggage remains stowed.

HBK & Y2J Vs. Ric Flair & Batista; Very good match here. One scary spot sees Flair take an irish whip to the ropes but the rope slips over his head as he's rebounding and it breaks his nose. Flair immediately slips to the outside to survey the damage but finishes the match with blood gushing. HBK accidentally nails Jericho in the interim and then hits a superkick on Flair. Jericho comes back in and superkicks HBK who actually falls on top of Flair for the win.

Jericho walks off post match and Batista hits a sit-out powerbomb on Michaels. Batista then strangles HBK with his bare hands (probably drawing the jealousy of at least 5 different former WWF employees) until HBK does the old Ken Shamrock condom filled with blood schtick....not to be confused with Pat Patterson, who has a similar routine..I told Grenier to not work the glut so hard!......

End show.

I enjoyed this show. Sue me.

Highlight: The Main Event delivered and the Roulette wheel brought a level of excitement to matches I'd usually write off.

Lowlight: As stupid as the midget was I still have to go with HHH's selfishness. You hear that? That's the sound of about 10,000 angry fat people typing "I hate HHH" on their computers. You can just imagine Trips going to Vince after Survivor Series saying: "People are going to think I'm not as good a Goldberg" and Vince buying it. Bleh. I really want to miss you Trips..If you'd just leave already.