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The Back-Leg Front Kick

By Sean Carless

Back-Leg Frontkick 10.05.03: Back To Reality.

Posted By Sean Carless on 10.05.03

A Little Bit Of Wrasslin' And Some Good Byes Too....

Well, it's been a great ride, but much like having sex with a case of the whiskey dick, a very short one. This will be my last column for 411, because my life is just too crazy right now. and by crazy, I mean the complete dictionary opposite of the word. Writing was just cutting too much into my drinking and sleeping. That's it.

Anyhoo, writing for 411 was a lot like joining a gang; to get initiated you have to take a shit kicking first, but if you survive you earn their respect. And if that doesn't work, a little good old fashioned bribery doesn't hurt either.  With that said, special thanks to both Joshua Grutman and Eric S. who gave some really well appreciated advice this week by email... something this backward Canuck won't soon forget. And Eric, I promise to go see M. Butterfly and get my shit together. Even though in the movie version with Jeremy Irons the broad had a cock. Celluloid proof of my sanity! Or something. 

More Joe Schmo And A Reality Check;

Rumors are swirling that my beloved Joe Schmo may be completely worked, and that Joe himself may have been in on it all along; but I guess we'll have to wait and see. Although, all reality shows are worked to a certain degree if you think about it. Someone once said that once you have a camera on you, you're an actor. It's really that simple. I mean, let's be honest, it's really hard to convey any sort of reality when while you're grubbier than a homeless person and eating rats, the cast and crew are sitting  off camera drinking frosty Mochaccino. However, at least the quotient of good looking people has gone up in recent years. To my knowledge, the only TV show that paraded actual ugly people on display on a consistent basis was Canada's own Degrassi High. For those of you who don't know, picture 90210, only sans glamour, sans money, and if someone had hit everyone who's in the cast in the face with a fucking shovel. The only reason I remember the show is because by law, our government  would tie us to chairs and FORCE us to watch it "Clockwork Orange" style until we accepted "Joey Jeremiah" as our personal savior. The same is true of Anne Murray, but we'll get to that another day.

OK, enough obscure Canadian TV for one day. Let's get to some wrestling, which will be short since it's the end of the week and Grut & Daniels covered everything already. I'll instead just make a few obscure observations:

-A lot of people have made references to Orlando Jones looking like Billy Blanks, and while I do see the resemblance, Orlando reminds me more of The Howard Stern Show's Beetle Juice, only with a properly functioning pituitary gland of course.

-The WWE apparently stated that they want the wrestlers to "sell" injuries and angles on house shows, so the product will have more continuity. Well that's good, but I think that the damage has been done. Take Chuck Palumbo, who has been put through the ringer (no pun intended) of the gimmick Rolodex, as in one calendar year, he went from picking benwa balls out of his ass and planning his "wedding", all the way to joining the unforgiving world of organized crime. I'd say that's quite a leap in believability. And considering his previous gimmick with Billy Gunn, I'd hate to see what he'd do if Nunzio ever ordered him to "whack" somebody....

-What do you call the useless skin between Sable's legs? Well you used to call it Marc Mero. Last time I heard, Marvelous was selling real estate on the Florida panhandle (seriously). But enough about him,  we were talking about Sable, who to me personally seems to be getting more amphibious looking by the week. I find it ironic that Sable returned to the W's and basically has done everything she sued the company for in 1999, bar letting someone squat shit in her Gym Bag (which at this point I'd imagine to have more chains on it than Jacob fucking Marley).

For the record, I received a few emails asking what I was talking about when referencing Sable's violated luggage before, so here goes: Rena Mero sued the WWE in 1999 for what she alleged was sexual misconduct. Also, in her laundry list of claims, she stated that someone defecated in her bag, and that was basically all she could stand. Wow, If shitting in someone's Gym Bag can cost you upwards of $100, 000,000 dollars, then I should be expecting a subpoena from a few guys I went to High School with.

-Good to see Kidman back on TV. It's funny, but I think everyone on the roster has had a "relationship" with the Torrie "character" but him. Poor Kidman. I can imagine what kind of condition Torrie would be in after being with that many guys. I'd think that having sex with her would be like throwing a hotdog down a hallway. or a banana off a cliff. Or perhaps another clever euphemism to imply she has a huge twat. YUP.

 But maybe Kidman really doesn't care. He's probably hiding in the closet taping the whole thing with his WCW Kid Cam. Alright, this was really a long winded set up to just mention the Kid cam, sue me.

-Apparently, Michael Cole has shaved off 2/3 of his goatee leaving him with a chin strap. Upon closer look at his exposed face this past Thursday... is it just me, or does Cole look like he's in mid-makeup transformation from Tim Burton's Planet of The Apes? I mean really, next week when SD comes on, take a close look and you'll see what I mean. Then ask him to explain the ending of that fucking movie to me.

-Steph was really stretching her acting muscles on Smackdown this week. Speaking of stretching Steph's muscles, how hard is it going to be for Trips to get it up for his honeymoon when the image of his Father in Law giving his wife the "prom night hands" at the pay-per-view is burned into his mind? Just a thought.

-I saw Bradshaw's book on sale the other day and the cover featured his old look. Obviously Bradshaw got the new haircut to fit in amongst his wall street cronies; however I have a feeling that unlike certain people, the senior members of those firms seldomly rape the new bankers to teach "respect". Although they should. It builds character. Err, I mean it's deplorable and WRONG! That's right.

-There is just something missing in The Basham Brothers that I just can't place (unlike Shaniqua who has an "extra" something..wink*wink). Speaking of Shaniqua, she helped her boys get the duke over Faarooq the other night, when they introduced their new finisher, the "Ball and Gag" (not to be confused with Patterson's "gag on balls".

-When Big Show mentioned that he didn't like The Guerrero's kind, did he mean talented wrestlers? However, it's good to see WWE knows what it's fanbase really wants. And what we *obviously* want is Big Show shitting himself, wet T-shirt contests with heavy non-transparent pink shirts, and The Coach being "pantsed" at Wrestle Mania. The worst however is watching Vince make out with every diva on the roster. That always drives me to one of those Ace Ventura showers. ..."Einhorn is a Man!".....M. Butterfly is not however, props to Eric there.

Well I am done. Thanks to everyone who gave me love and Fuck You to that one guy. You know who you are. I never really had a chance to promote anything so I will here, right now, Go to Lethal Wrestling.com and check out this parody of Conan O' Brien's "If They Mated", it struck me funny for some reason. Well, I'm off. Take care of yourselves and remember: That man you saw climbing in through your Mother's window when you were a kid....that wasn't your Father, it was me. And I was good.

I'm Sean;

 

Back-Leg Frontkick: (10/16/03) Six Months Already? Was I That Drunk?

Over the last few months, I've been jockeying over what type of column to write. When I first got into the game, I posted history pieces that primarily submitted to Live Audio Wrestling and the Toronto Star. Once I got over to 411, I wrote satire much like the Rants on this site; but after much deliberation, I thought I'd settle on just rambling Gonzo style. Which actually is pretty much my normal way of communicating anyhow. We'll get to my State of The Website Report soon, but first I'd like to just shoot the shit about a few things that have been on my mind. And yes, I have one. It might be drug addled. But it's still there, damn it!

If I could be serious for a minute....
 
I must admit, I'm hardly a fan of reality TV. Actually, in most cases, I down right loathe it.  But let's be honest, how many times can you watch mottled sun-fucked people on Survivor, before the shtick gets old? The concept was unique for like one season, and just like everything in the Entertainment Universe, it got played soon after. After a few seasons, I became convinced  that these dirty, sweaty, bearded people with terrible dispositions were being created in a factory then shipped to TV... because they're ALL the same.  You know, much like the way OVW does, only without the sweet, sweet spine busters, baby.
 
Joe Schmo (for which I am a fan) on the other hand was, and is a complete satire on Reality TV. They took a normal guy and surrounded him with actors and predetermined storylines. But If you think about it, the Reality TV craze itself is a lot like the Wrestling craze of the mid 1980's and latter day 90's... in that it's hardcore audience is completely captivated by what they're watching and will defend it's "reality" to the point of absurdity. You know, despite the obviousness that people like that just don't exist in real life. For example, take my Father, who is about as anti-Wrestling as a person can get. He actually has an easier time believing that someone is really that devious and hammy on an Island, while insisting to me that the blood rolling down Ric Flair's head is "fake". These reality TV people have become the *new* wrestling fan, in essence blindly believing whatever shit they are shown on these over acted shows.
 
 The bottom line here is that everything you see on your TV is marketed, produced and controlled. Real "reality" is boring. Don't believe me? Well, listen to your Father or Grandfather tell one of his "it took me three days, barefoot...in 35 feet of snow to get to school when I was your age" stories and get back to me on that. The fact is, these "reality" shows are as worked as Wrestling. It's all about ratings, and it's just as slickly produced. Hell, there's even lumpy dudes who should be wearing shirts who don't! Just like wrestling! Although, I'll still take a moonsault and a piledriver over running through the woods with an egg on a spoon, any day, though.
 
To clear the air , truthfully, I have no problems with people who watch these shows, but rather the fact that we're persecuted for watching low-brow "wrestling", while there's TV out there even more contrived, hokey, and fake that's embraced. Wrestling Fans are not the only "marks" around here.
 
AH-Nuld as The Governator....
 
Apparently 38 years ago, Arnold made a statement to some friends. He said that one day he'd be a Champion bodybuilder, movie star, marry a beautiful woman, and become the most powerful man in the world. He has accomplished all but one of these goals (although I object a little to the beautiful woman analogy since Maria Shriver is a Kennedy and thus probably brushes her teeth with a push broom). At this point, the only goal remaining is to become "the most powerful man in the world"; although to my knowledge, there is a law saying to be elected highest official in the land you must have been born a citizen. But if anyone can change that it's Ah-nuld. After all, he does have the ability to travel back in time, remember? James Cameron would never lie to us.
 
Anyway, part of me is actually glad that Arnold is governor of California (spoken in Ah-Nuld as "Calee-Foe-nee-ya") but on the other hand, I for one feel that militant Germans should not be running anything. And before I get mail saying "But he's Austrian!" I have to say: So was that other guy and we all know how that story ended. Even though, clearly, Hitler would have made a terrible Kindergarten Cop. On the other hand, I am glad for Arnie, and seriously hope that his cast mates follow suit. I would seriously mark out if the rest of the deposed Platoon in Predator also held elected office. Especially Bill Duke's brooding purple visage leading any political powerhouse to victory. Never say never. Ludvig Borga won political office in his native Finland (arguably on the promise to break Lex Luger's back) so any thing is possible.
 
But all is not rosy for Ah-Nuld. There are some controversies. So Arnold groped some women? So what. Why are they coming out of the woodwork now? And more importantly, why are they all so unattractive? I think Arnold should be punished.....for having some really bad taste. Why is it that a lot of the times these types grope the women that no one would fuck with your dick and ten guys pushing? I'm begging for one sexual abuser with some taste! Aim for the stars guys.
 
In closing, no truth to the rumor that Arnold's next movie will be called "Sexual Predator". The preceding was just a lead in to this joke. That's right. Deal with it.
 
The Week in Wrasslin'
 
As I write this it is Thursday morning, so we'll start with last week's Smackdown. As I said in my SD rant last Thursday, the show ending with a continuous flow of shit is probably the most apropos description of the product's current direction that I can think of. One can only hope that this whole waste of my time with Guerrero and Big Show is a vehicle to elevate Eddie, because if Eddie does not win, and especially if he's defeated by Show for the U.S. Title, Vince might as well take that hose and direct it at the Latino market. Then go backstage and light a bonfire and throw all his money into it, because the Guerrero window to hook this ever growing demographic is closing and closing fast.
 
The whole Vince/Stephanie debacle was just that, but unfortunately, according to the ratings, it's the McMahon's themselves who actually generate the top ratings on the show. But rest assured, it's hardly because they're compelling characters... as according to the King of Wrestling, one Da Meltz, it has more to to do with how they're are perceived as THE stars, because of how much they've been PUSHED. Well, there is a novel approach, pushing someone on TV as "important" until the fans buy them as top stars. They should try this with the wrestlers sometime! In a side note: Wasn't it funny when Linda, trying to sell the match between Vince and Steph, stated that Vince is "double" Steph's size? In a related note, Vince was later seen swatting away airplanes from the Empire State building.
 
Chris Benoit and A-Train is another match I don't want to see, and certainly not because of Benoit. It has been said that Vince has a hard-on for Big guys, but I think it's more like a hatred for little men. I'm convinced that as a child, he was violated by famed midget Little Beaver ("Little Beaver", not to be to be confused with Jerry lawler's sexual preferences).  I mean,why else would Vince recoil from every under-230 lbs piece of talent he's ever had? Plus, this would also explain the surprising lack of Native American talent in the last 10 years (Bar Tatanka). Although, if I was dry-fisted by Beaver behind the old MSG, I might look at guys like Dean Malenko with a bit of the Ju-Ju eyeball. Damn it, this theory makes sense... and isn't just fluff filler with little to no thought put into it! Oh wait. Yes it is.
 
Back to Benoit. As much as people have labelled him as "small" and thus his push has never come, I myself have never really thought of him as a "Cruiserweight". Instead he falls into that "tweener" role like Bret Hart, HBK and even Kurt Angle. So if height & weight is not the issue, and certainly talent is not a question, and even by Mic skill standards (Bret Hart hardly cut an electrifying promo), he's acceptable, what is the problem?
 
The answer to this may actually come from the most unlikely of sources: My Mom. My Mother is about as far removed from Wrestling as you can get; however, occasionally, she'll pass by the TV as I'm watching and make a comment that I know is pure observation on her part (as she knows not of workrate and "pushes") that just breaks me up. One day I was watching King of The Ring 2001 and she happened to sit down with me and my friends while we were watching the Steve Austin/Y2J/Benoit WWF Title match. She stared at the match and pointed to Benoit and unabashedly remarked: "That guy won't win; his arms are too small." We all laughed but she was serious. She got up and left the room. I thought about that many times and maybe she has a point. If you take away the fact that the matches are worked and suspend disbelief and look at it logistically, Benoit is at a serious disadvantage. Think how much more powerful the crossface would be if his hands didn't start where his forearms should! In an ironic twist of fate, Rhyno too suffers from this same calamity... and watching a Rhyno/Benoit lockup is nothing less than comical ,as they are probably the only two gladiators on the planet who can have a collar and elbow tie-up while touching chests. It really is sad, but what can Benoit do? Not too much, and he can't even blame the harsh radiation fallout on Mars like Total Recall's Kuato either (which causes really cool mutations and not cancer and death like people would have you believe...).
 
On the RAW side, at least the WWE thankfully corrected the whole Mark Henry incident from the week before. It looks like they're heading into HBK and Goldberg instead. But whose side is God on? Old School loyalty or New School? And what's the deal with not eating Ham? It's delicious. Get your shit together!
 
Stone Cold Steve Austin saving Stacy Keibler was a strange move as well, as I'd think rather than stopping Scott from assaulting a woman, he'd show her how it's really done. I kid, Steve.
 
I didn't watch TNA, but I read the recap, and it doesn't look too good for AJ Styles and the ilk next week. Hulk Hogan is coming in, and looks to be programmed with Jeff Jarrett on November 30, with likely the NWA Title being at stake. This whole thing stinks of 1994 WCW and that's a stink that even Ajax can't take out. In 1994, WCW, although not at it's highest point,still delivered an alternative product to WWF, and that year saw some fantastic action with the likes of Steve Austin, Ricky Steamboat, Ric Flair & Rick Rude putting out quality wrestling. TNA itself followed that motif, providing an alternative to WWE. But that's about to change. If Hogan is given any creative control, TNA can kiss the X-Division goodbye as the looming radio-active shadow of the stark raving' Huckster will soon eclipse all who are under 240 lbs, which for the record is 99% of the roster. Soon, guys like Chris Daniels and Low-Ki featured prominently on top, will have to take a back seat to Hogan high kicking Ron and/or Don Harris and dropping the big leg. We've been down this road before and it's paved in shit. I think it was Bryan Alverez who said that Hulk Hogan is the only man in Wrestling who can be blamed for the rise and simultaneous destruction of a company in one stint. And I for one don't want to see AMW dropping the Tag mantle to The Nasty Boys and Brother Bruti ridin' shotgun. So in closing, please pass said shotgun so I may blow my head off now.
 
See you next week.
 
I'm Sean;

 

Back-Leg Frontkick (10/23/03)  A LOT of Random Shit!

Welcome to the latest edition of your favorite form of orgasmic pleasure: The Back-Leg Frontkick! I recently got an Email from someone asking me why the column is called "The Back-Leg Frontkick", and on a few occasions I even got ribbed by 411 writers for my choice of column title.

It's obvious that some of these so called experts never watched WCW (but then who did) or they'd remember that "Back-Leg Frontkick" was frequently called by famed WCW announcer and full grown Campbell Soup kid Tony Schiavone. Other than the fact that Tony had zero ability of calling any hold vaguely resembling martial arts (although early Jim Ross wasn't much better, "What a martial arts move!") but what always struck me funny about that call was the logistics of it. Think about it, how does one kick forward with the back of his leg, unless one possessed legs comparable to the tentacles of Dr. Octopus. That's just not possible. And believe me, I've been working on the suit for years! (and not getting laid).

 All logic aside, even the name contradicts whats being said, although to my knowledge Mr. Schiavone never called a hold the "Over-handed Uppercut" so it wasn't all bad. 

For the record, all incompetence and arrogance aside, I'd still choose Schiavone over fellow WCW broadcaster Lee Marshall, who always reminded me of some sort of genetically altered combination of Paul Bearer and Robert from Everybody Loves Raymond. To this day, Jason and I still do our Lee Marshall impressions, greeting each other with a baritone, unintelligible "Reyyyyy Ronnnnnney!" which is Marshall speak for "Hey Tony!" which was always heard on Lee's ill-fated WCW Thunder phoned-in road reports.

Reality Check

On the heels of my rant on reality TV last week, reader Steve W. chimed in with this:

" I read your comments on reality television last week, and I agree to a point, but I think people can't help watch the voyeuristic look into the lives of these crazy people, all the while watching them from a safe distance (T.V.). It's human nature to be curious. In the 1950's, people had gossip, and that took on a life of its own and was probably the form of entertainment amongst bored people at the time. The bottom-line is that people have and always will be nosey and over-interested in others business.

You made your reasons known as to why you dislike reality T.V. but I have to ask, if you could create any reality show what would it be?"

Great E-Mail. Before I get to the reality show, I agree with you that some people's human nature is to be preoccupied with other people's business. Nowhere is this more evident then amongst the elderly.

When I used to live across the street from my Grandparents, I used to pop over for visits, and every time a siren was heard or a police car was spotted, my Grandpa would be the first one outside asking questions to the cops or medics. Old people are ridiculous like that. I myself never cared, honestly.

Onto your question about the reality TV show I'd create. I would take an idea WWE had back in 2000, but with a little twist. The show would see all the individuals not savvy enough or too stoned (RVD) to go to Trip's bachelor party rounded up. They'd then be dropped into a jungle somewhere, and they would proceed to kill each other off in systematic short order. It'd be called "Man-Hunter" in honor of the Game and the last individual to survive would have to break through a glass ceiling where The H's would be waiting, only with a poison blow dart. H's would then be declared the winner. This would be how every episode ended. Sounds about right.

If I could be Serious for a moment....

I was reading old Raw & Smackdown Results the other day, and I must admit that I have no recollection of half of the things I was reading about. This is not early senility kicking in because I pride myself on having a damn good memory (and being a gentle kisser too). Anyway, I came to the realization that the problem with today's Wrestling product is the fact that nothing noteworthy or surprising ever happens anymore. You can count on one hand how many times you haven't seen a storyline plot twist coming these days. It's too predictable.

Wrestling used to be water cooler conversation as we'd all gather around talking about the shocking event we had seen on the previous night's RAW or Nitro. Call it lazy writing or complacency, but when was the last time you were genuinely surprised, caught off guard by a booking move, or even honestly remember what happened on an entire episode of RAW, say 6 months ago?

It's funny but I couldn't tell you one match from a RAW or Smackdown that happened a year ago; yet I remember entire cheesy WWF Superstar tapings with every nuance, jobber, and corny gimmick from 15 years ago. What's with that? Are we so jaded as adults that our tastes have grown and our lust for more extreme, over the top action has increased to unrealistic proportions? So much so, that what would have been revolutionary 10 years ago is looked upon today as old hat? I think honestly the answer lies somewhere in the middle.

I'm more than willing to keep an open mind and have patience as far as a developing storyline goes, I'm of the old school and prefer the "slow burn" as opposed to the fleeting crash TV that permeates our society. However, if the WWE wants to keep me entertained, they're going to have to start coming up with some new material because this constant rehashing of passé ideas is getting old.

One has to look no further than this week's installment of Smackdown to see McMahon's strange retro booking in play. Not to spoil Smackdown for anyone but Scotty 2 Hotty & Rikishi return to TV resurrecting their tired 2000 shtick at the expense of Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas who honestly should have torn through the duo trying to extract some sort of rub from these walking cliché's. Every time I try to sit back and give the WWE the benefit of the doubt they come back and pull this shit, but like a battered wife who doesn't know any better, I return into Vince's waiting arms only to take another proverbial shit kicking for my trouble.

If stars like Goldberg, Stone Cold, The Rock and Hulk Hogan can't draw anymore, what chance does dead weight like Scotty 2 Hotty (who for the record is one "worm" away from destroying John Cena's push forever.) Rikishi, Bob Holly and even Steve Blackman have of turning business around? Vince professes to be a business man but lets face it, he's not a very good one. A good businessman keeps his product fresh and gives his customers what they want. It's sad these stars get loyalty or "longevity" pushes while talents like Paul London, Spanky, RVD and Lance Storm eat canvas every night.

Vince you can't recapture lightning in a bottle. You tried this in 1993 when you force-fed 80's Wrestling to a hungry ever changing audience, and they rejected it in large doses. Eventually, you were forced out of desperation to try something NEW and it was the spark business needed.

Some people say Wrestling is cyclical and it will once again come back to where it was. I call that a cop out. History has proven that Wrestling had its two boom periods by virtue of new ideas that were not seen in previous years. With the 80's it was the MTV connection that drew the new fans, pulling the product out of the smokey arena of the 1970's. The 1998 boom was a little different in that there were several factors including Mike Tyson and the subsequent follow up of Steve Austin and Vince McMahon's characters bringing the business into then uncharted waters. The owner Vs. employee was a novelty at the time and the crowds fascination with whom Vince truly was (after The Survivor Series incident) helped create a strong character to play off the unlikely hero and foil Steve Austin. Any which way you slice it, Wrestling boomed after making large changes in the way they HAD done business.

With Vince having a monopoly on the Wrestling business, would it really hurt to try something new? What do you have to lose? Unlike 1996, there is no strong rival who could crush Vince if his ideas falter, so what the hell?

Vince does need to look to the past to fix things, but not in rehashing stuff that use to work... but instead learn from his history and see that radical ideas and change are the sparks needed.....not more company  owners wrestling and cheesy soap.

With that said, I'll get off my soap box now and get to the reason you Love me so. No?...Like then? Fine, tolerate.

This Week in Rasslin'

Not A Good Week To Be Old Or A Post Apocalyptic Warrior.....

Both Hawk and Stu Hart passed away last week, and Harry Simon made an observation that fate had played a cruel trick on them both, and in "Final Destination" style making the observation that both deaths were linked to having names starting with "HA" (Hawk and Hart) Weird shit. In a related note, Haku has locked himself in his Car Dealership and refuses to come out and Hakushi was seen crying out "My name is really Gensei!" to anyone who would listen.

Anyhoo, Hawk used to say he that he dined on death, but maybe he just ate a little too much this time? OK that was tasteless and mean, but I couldn't help making it. Hawk would have wanted it that way. Didn't you know all wrestlers want it that way? They also want the show to go on, too! Vince said so, and I have no reason to not believe him..... 

All kidding aside, I was a huge L.O.D. mark, and also had the utmost respect for Stu Hart. To me Hawk was always better on the stick then in the ring, although the Roadies style was straight ahead smash mouth so it was expected. My favorite Hawk liner came at The Royal Rumble '92 when in their pre-match interview going into their match with Earthquake & Typhoon, Hawk uttered this classic tongue in cheek remark: "They say the Natural Disasters like to throw their weight around....Well that's ok, because we like to throw their weight around too!" R.I.P. Hawk.

I however never had the chance to see Stu Hart in the ring and much like everyone else saw his legacy was his contribution of top flight wrestlers, that he churned out double-tough with an inbred workrate. Other than seeing the then 82 year old Stu stretch some guys on Bret Hart's Wrestling with Shadows documentary, my other Stu memory may in fact be one that not too many picked up on at the time.

It was during the Royal Rumble'93 WWF Title match between Bret Hart and Scott "Razor Ramon" Hall. Stu and Helen sat at ringside in plain view of the cameras and I remember as the crowd was rabid there was Stu sitting stoically taking every hold in. During what was to be climax of the match, Bret creatively scissored Ramón's legs countering into a Sharpshooter, and there in the background was a huge grin on Stu's face. You could tell he loved Wrestling, and even though he was a legend, he still marveled in the drama of a well put together match. I always thought it was cool and made me relate to the grizzled legend more. I just wouldn't go down his fucking basement, that's all.

Random Thoughts:

Nash and Burn....

-Nash may be done. Big Kev announced that his neck is in a bad way and he will have the non invasive surgery done by Dr. Jho (Angle's Doctor). For the record, any surgery that cuts you open is invasive. Non-Invasive would be sending Tony Robbins to Nash's house and motivationally removing the problem."Devils, get out!!!"

-While Nash is under the knife he should get the surgeon to attach handles to his back, that way when he returns it will easier to carry him.

-Do you realize Nash that has wrestled maybe a total 2 months of his 2 year $750,000 dollar contract? Nash just farted and made another thousand....

Mercy Is For The Weak....

-Did you notice Steph's wrestling gear at the PPV? Looked like someone poured Pizza dough into Trish's old unitard. And Tazz and Cole's credibility took a shot when they once again down played Steph's increasing waist line by stating Vince out weighs her by 200 pounds. In a side note: The 600 plus pound Vince was later seen scaling The Empire State building.

-So the Basham Brothers "share" Shaniqua? Ewww. I don't know about you, but I don't even like sharing a sandwich with my brother, let alone burying my member into his sloppy seconds. Especially on someone (Shaniqua) who is more masculine than both of us combined. Just a word of warning Bashams, when Shaniqua told you guys that was a special "No Strings Strap-on" that she was penetrating you with, she was lying.

I like it RAW....Sometimes:

-With the U.S. Government apparently making some Abortions illegal, does that mean we've seen our last Mark Henry match?

-Who exactly was The Lord pulling for in the HBK/Goldberg match?

-Speaking of Goldberg, it looks like they'll be putting him in the ring with.... himself! Fellow muscle-laden greenster Batista may get the best or worst of Goldberg some time soon producing maybe the ugliest brown-shoe since O.J. was on trial. But at least it looks good on paper...You know, the kind you wipe your ass on.

Skullets in the news....

-Hulk Hogan apparently "injured" himself over in Japan. Man, I just knew that dangerous style Hogan uses would catch up with him eventually!....

 

Anyway, this apparently scraps TNA's proposed 3 hour PPV in late November, thus ending the Jarrett/Hogan headliner that was nearly 3 years in the not giving a fuck about. Although, "Vanilla Midgets"everywhere now have reason to celebrate.

 

-Paul Heyman is the new GM of Smackdown. This is intriguing because now we have Bischoff (WCW) and Heyman (ECW) under Vince's umbrella running HIS shows. Who would have ever thunk it? However, the huge shadow of Steph looms in the background and we can unfortunately probably look forward to a Heyman/Stephanie match that has the opportunity to finally knock Volkoff/Sheik against The Bushwhackers off it's lofty perch.

 

Well, they at least made a wise choice in Heyman who is the best performer for this job, as he is one of the best in the business at working the stick (or so rumors have stated for years...BONG) Unfortunately Smackdown has a lot of non-wrestling heels and the feel right now is "too many cooks in the kitchen" (In addition to Steph who's in there eating all the food. OK no more Fat jokes, I swear). However, I'm just glad to see Heyman back on TV though, so I'll take what I can get.

 

Well that's it for this week. Time lately has been an issue for me as I've been busier than a whore with 12 beds so I may be switching to Bi-weekly columns, which for the record is the only thing Bi that I've ever admitted to. That's right.

I'm Sean.

Back-Leg Frontkick (10/30/03) Halloween Edition

Hallowe'en Havoc (not to be confused with shitty Sid/Sting matches).....

Well it's Halloween tomorrow and I haven't got a costume. I was thinking of going as a lazy, unmotivated slob, but ultimately decided that it would be too much work...

Halloween has some great memories for me as a kid. From switching costumes and hitting the same unsuspecting fossils for more candy and then in turn having my parents meticulously comb through the bag discarding any candy that looked suspicious, telling us sternly that it may contain razor blades. However in hindsight I think swallowing the occasional razor would still be a helluva lot more healthy than ingesting that rock-hard toffee-like shit that had the orange wrapper with the bats on it. Anyone over twenty will remember this stuff as it was always the last thing lining your plastic bag by the 2nd week of November.

Another "favorite" of mine (note sarcasm) was the clueless bastards that gave out pennies. I always hated that, as the person (usually elderly) would reach into their purse and then proceed to hurl two or three cents into your bag, and then be expecting you to thank them for littering your stock with useless metal as if they had just given you a gold doubloon or something. The pennies to me were always the equivalent of that friend who buys you a lottery ticket for your birthday, all but saying "Happy Birthday!..Here's nothing!". In most cases I would rather they just give me the two dollars, and in the case of the penny givers, buy some candy or suffer the consequences.

As a young teenager, I was obviously too old to trick or treat, and too cool as well.....I was too!!....Anyway, being that even in the days of my youth I was too lazy to even go out and steal some random kids bag of treats , I'd instead opt to rip said children off while they came to my door. Before I get any hate-mail saying that I was an asshole (Although I am) I never stole from Children but instead those "tweeners" that would go out at about 14 or 15 still expecting to get candy, usually without a costume or at the very least wearing their ridiculous Football/Hockey uniform (also known as the unimaginative idiot). As these guys would knock on the door and expect candy, I'd pretend to take two huge handfuls of candy from a dish, but in reality have my fists balled up so tight that the contents (or lack there of) were impossible to see. I would then stick both hands into their Halloween bag, and in turn grab brimming handfuls of their candy retracting my hands now filled with the contents of their sack and placing them in the very bowl I apparently grabbed the first stash from. This would go on all night until I had my desired bounty.

As big a fan I was of wrestling, I actually never went out as a wrestler or anything wrestling related. However one year my youngest brother did, and not because he was a fan or anything ( he wasn't actually, probably because of being gorilla slammed by a certain overzealous brother in the backyard..) Anyway my Dad was late in getting our costumes that year and after finally purchasing my costume and also my brother Luke's, poor Mike was left with nothing to choose from as all the good costumes were snatched up by early Thanksgiving. I remember as his disappointment as he perused through the graveyard of unwanted costumes left over on the Walmart rack. Of course the only costumes remaining were those ones that we've all had to wear at least once, you know those flame retardant plastic pull over suits and cheap mask with the elastic that always seems to break as soon as you placed it on your head, forcing you or your parents re-adjust the elastic until there was so little band remaining that the mask's eye holes began cutting into your face. Well, to make a long story short, Mike had the choice between "Beast-Man" of He-Man fame or the late Road Warrior Hawk. At my prompting he finally chose Hawk, however the matching Animal was nowhere to be seen, most likely now adorning the body of a fellow hapless bastard who's Father too had left things to the very last minute. Mike would wear Hawk with pride for 2/3 of that evening, until the paper mache like mask gave out exploding from his head, leaving him wandering door to door wearing only an unflattering baggy rubber pullover with The L.O.D.'s likenesses painted on, carrying his pillow case of candy in one arm, and what appeared to be the severed head of Road Warrior Hawk in the other.

Halloween Havoc....The Wrestling Version.....I swear....

It's funny that the WWF(E) really has never capitalized on the Halloween craze, bar the occasional Raw or SD where either the announcers or the B-level talent were shown in costume at a "party" (although the part where HHH bolts the door and pours gasoline and lights a match is usually casually cut from our versions).

While WWF in the earlier years stole Thanksgiving from WCW/NWA (Starrcade) to put on Survivor Series, WCW returned with Halloween Havoc, which was one of my favorite shows for some twisted reason.

The PPV itself probably hosted some of the worst matches in history with a few bright spots scattered inbtween (Cactus/Vader in 93, DDP Vs. Goldberg in 98 for example).

Since it was Halloween, the event usually hosted some sort of ridiculous gimmick match or angle. Some of the worst of the worst included the Chamber of Horrors in 91, when Sting, The Steiners and Stupid Bodysuit faced off against the motley crew of Cactus Jack,Vader, Scott Hall(?!) and Abdullah The Butcher in a steel cage full of torture devices (minus videos of Jackie Gayda matches). The match ended when Abdullah was "eloctrocuted" and god bless Abby if he didn't at least try to sell it. The year before we were subjected to the old switcheroo (usually reserved for poison in Fantasy movies, see the Princess Bride) when Sid Vicious apparently defeated Sting for the NWA Title, albeit a pudgier, taller version that turned out to be doppelganger Barry Windham who at this point was still six years away from painting his face again and wandering into the forest in search of woodland creatures, while wearing yellow Camouflage no less! I'm no hunter but I'd think unless we all of a sudden go to war with the Sun, that there is not too much terrain that ensemble would blend in with.

The other insults that WCW delivered our way "pagan-style" was the "Spin the Wheel, Make The Deal" match at Halloween Havoc'92 that was to conclude the harrowing Jake Roberts/Sting rivalry. Between the campy vignettes that featured a bar of pirate like misfits to Cheatum the evil Midget ( Midgets are evil though, where do you think the legends of trolls come from?....) who would turn up in 2 more WCW vignettes the next year. The match in question involved Sting spinning a wheel filled with possible match types (much like Raw Roulette last year). The problem was it ended up on Coal Miners glove, which was probably the very worst filler match you could have (two men, a lead glove on a pole, climb said pole, use glove on opponent etc.), and in all likelihood the match was probably really decided by a spin of the wheel as then booker 'Cowboy' Bill Watts was busy backstage trying to string up the minority talent.

The final insult took place at Halloween Havoc'98, as Chucky of Child's Play fame was some how worked into the Scott Steiner/Rick Steiner feud which apparently wasn't captivating enough on it's own merits (considering they were WCW's best tagteam ever) and instead Bischoff thought Rick Steiner trading barbs with a puppet would bring in mainstream crossover. However, all stupidity aside, the fact that Rick did seem to stumble through an argument with a non-existent pre-taped character is a little funny though.

I Now Pronounce You Man And.......Man?!

With all the parodies of HHH and Steph's big day floating around the net I thought I'd pipe in with some observations of my own from my own very secret source on the inside, without revealing his identity we'll just call him "Joe X-Pac".....D'Oh!

-HHH's Wedding party included Nash, Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker and William Regal, who was said to stay away from the seafood table....

-During the reception, H's was said to instinctly gulp a half glass of Champagne and violently spit it all over the dresses of the brides maids.

-Shane, who was ring bearer, decided an aisle entry was too "old hat" and instead opted to climb the steeple's rafters and deliver said ring by plunging 40 feet back first. He was 33.

-When the "Best Man" was introduced, Pat Patterson stood up, hands on hips, defiantly yelling "I'll be Da Judge of Dat!";

-Bret Hart showed up during the reception, warmly toasting the new couple: "It's hard to believe Steph is all grown up, it seems like just yesterday that Stephanie was a little girl. Times flies, I mean, who would have ever thought then that fifteen years later her Father would screw me the way he did!?"

-Scott Hall was seen wrapping his whole mouth around the Beer Tap. from there, a panting and flustered Patterson was then seen grabbing Sylvain Grenier by the arm and dragging him into a nearby closet.

-Hall was again seen later that night, this time keying the "Just Married" limo before forcing Gramma McMahon into a near by hedge.

-Vince was said to be somewhat upset when he found out Shawn Stasiak was the one recording ceremony. In a related note, upon learning this, a dejected Kidman was seen leaving the festivities, teary eyed, tossing his Kid-Cam in the trash on the way out.

-When Steph threw the Bouquet, Steve Austin's new girlfriend was said to have caught it, so saving time, Austin decided to beat her now as opposed as to after the wedding (I'm sorry Steve)

-The Minister to HHH: "Repeat after me, I take this Woman to be my lawfully wedded wife" HHH: "I take this Money to be my lawfully wedded wife......."


Quick Wrasslin' Notes:

Raw is Good;

I actually enjoyed Raw this week. you heard that right. Two decent shows inside two weeks and the sky isn't even reigning fire, go ahead, check.

Goldberg was not on Raw this past Monday, as he was selling the effects of Batista's beating last week. He'd have been there but his last name isn't McMahon, and we all know that having your ankle "broken" is way more devastating then being burned alive in a dumpster or decapitated in a runaway car.

John Heidenreich will now be playing the role of meandering big slow fuck, stealing the mantle from its previous owners Kurrgan and Giant Gonzalez. Speaking of Heidenreich, You'd think Goldberg would start to complain about an unsafe working environment, you know with guys with Iron crosses on their tights and guys with the word "Reich" in their names running around. Just a suggestion.

Smacked Down;

Not to spoil anything for anyone, but Nathan Jones is back as of this Thursday. Nathan joining SD makes sense since both he and Stephanie have a lot in common being that they're both walking advertisements for Milk. (albeit for disturbingly different reasons).

Also Matt Morgan was brought up from developmental. He's best remembered from Tough Enough 2. Why is it that all the people who lost Tough Enough seem to get the most opportunity? Both Jones and Morgan join Brock Lesnar and Big Show to form a Survivor Series squad that should be named "Team Gets Vince Hard". cough*thatsalotofhosses*cough;

Paul Heyman is a welcome change as new GM. He adds that smarminess that is needed as opposed to Stephanie "I am Woman, hear me roar" McMahon. Also Paul's very good at Mike work. Mike being the stagehand in the back. BONG! (I have to insert at least one a column)

Total Nonstop Action...Except for those times when it's not....

Even though Hulk Hogan won't technically be radiating the Asylum for a while, The stench of Terry Bollea is already being felt in TNA.

Jimmy Hart introduced "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan as the mystery opponent for Jeff Jarrett on last night's show. Last week, Hart announced that he'd be bringing in a former protege to face Jarrett, but obviously when continuity and fact showed up at Jerry Jarrett's door, he was out of town because I don't remember Hart ever managing Duggan.

This whole thing is starting to remind me of somewhere else. If next week Duggan somehow defeats Michael Shane for The X Title (renamed XL Title) in 15 seconds and Hogan gets a ticker tape parade down 1 imaginary Road I'm seriously outta here.

Coming Next year: Schiavone like voice:"TNA takes over Monday Nights....from The Mall of America it's TNA Monday Stuff they put in Dynamite!".......bleh.

-Well that's it for this week. I know I said the bi-weekly columns were afoot but this week just had too much going on for me to just sit back and mastur.....I mean work...Ya that's it.

Take care.

Sean;