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The
Back-Leg Front Kick Posted By Sean Carless on 10.05.03 A Little Bit Of Wrasslin' And Some Good Byes Too....
Anyhoo, writing for 411 was a lot like joining a gang; to get initiated you have to take a
shit kicking first, but if you survive you earn their respect. And if that doesn't work, a little good old fashioned bribery
doesn't hurt either. With that said, special thanks to both Joshua Grutman and Eric S. who gave some really well appreciated
advice this week by email... something this backward Canuck won't soon forget. And Eric, I promise to go see M. Butterfly
and get my shit together. Even though in the movie version with Jeremy Irons the broad had a cock. Celluloid proof
of my sanity! Or something. More Joe Schmo And A Reality Check; Rumors are swirling that my beloved Joe Schmo may be completely worked, and that Joe himself
may have been in on it all along; but I guess we'll have to wait and see. Although, all reality shows are worked to a certain
degree if you think about it. Someone once said that once you have a camera on you, you're an actor. It's really that simple. I
mean, let's be honest, it's really hard to convey any sort of reality when while you're grubbier than a homeless person and
eating rats, the cast and crew are sitting off camera drinking frosty Mochaccino. However, at least the quotient of
good looking people has gone up in recent years. To my knowledge, the only TV show that paraded actual ugly people on display
on a consistent basis was Canada's own Degrassi High. For those of you who don't know, picture 90210, only sans glamour, sans
money, and if someone had hit everyone who's in the cast in the face with a fucking shovel. The only reason I remember
the show is because by law, our government would tie us to chairs and FORCE us to watch it "Clockwork
Orange" style until we accepted "Joey Jeremiah" as our personal savior. The same is true of Anne Murray, but we'll get to
that another day. OK, enough obscure Canadian TV for one day. Let's get to some wrestling, which will be short
since it's the end of the week and Grut & Daniels covered everything already. I'll instead just make a few obscure
observations: -A lot of people have made references to Orlando Jones looking like Billy Blanks, and while
I do see the resemblance, Orlando reminds me more of The Howard Stern Show's Beetle Juice, only with a properly functioning
pituitary gland of course. -The WWE apparently stated that they want the wrestlers to "sell" injuries and angles on house
shows, so the product will have more continuity. Well that's good, but I think that the damage has been done. Take Chuck Palumbo,
who has been put through the ringer (no pun intended) of the gimmick Rolodex, as in one calendar year, he went from picking
benwa balls out of his ass and planning his "wedding", all the way to joining the unforgiving world of organized crime. I'd
say that's quite a leap in believability. And considering his previous gimmick with Billy Gunn, I'd hate to see what he'd
do if Nunzio ever ordered him to "whack" somebody.... -What do you call the useless skin between Sable's legs? Well you used to call it Marc Mero.
Last time I heard, Marvelous was selling real estate on the Florida panhandle (seriously). But enough about him, we
were talking about Sable, who to me personally seems to be getting more amphibious looking by the week. I find it
ironic that Sable returned to the W's and basically has done everything she sued the company for in 1999, bar letting someone
squat shit in her Gym Bag (which at this point I'd imagine to have more chains on it than Jacob fucking Marley). For the record, I received a few emails asking what I was talking about when referencing Sable's
violated luggage before, so here goes: Rena Mero sued the WWE in 1999 for what she alleged was sexual misconduct. Also, in
her laundry list of claims, she stated that someone defecated in her bag, and that was basically all she could stand.
Wow, If shitting in someone's Gym Bag can cost you upwards of $100, 000,000 dollars, then I should be expecting a subpoena
from a few guys I went to High School with. -Good to see Kidman back on TV. It's funny, but I think everyone on the roster has had a "relationship"
with the Torrie "character" but him. Poor Kidman. I can imagine what kind of condition Torrie would be in after being with
that many guys. I'd think that having sex with her would be like throwing a hotdog down a hallway. or a banana off a cliff.
Or perhaps another clever euphemism to imply she has a huge twat. YUP. But maybe Kidman really doesn't care. He's probably hiding in the closet taping
the whole thing with his WCW Kid Cam. Alright, this was really a long winded set up to just mention the Kid cam, sue
me. -Apparently, Michael Cole has shaved off 2/3 of his goatee leaving him with a chin strap.
Upon closer look at his exposed face this past Thursday... is it just me, or does Cole look like he's in mid-makeup transformation
from Tim Burton's Planet of The Apes? I mean really, next week when SD comes on, take a close look and you'll see what I mean.
Then ask him to explain the ending of that fucking movie to me. -Steph was really stretching her acting muscles on Smackdown this week. Speaking of stretching
Steph's muscles, how hard is it going to be for Trips to get it up for his honeymoon when the image of his Father in Law giving
his wife the "prom night hands" at the pay-per-view is burned into his mind? Just a thought. -I saw Bradshaw's book on sale the other day and the cover featured his old look. Obviously
Bradshaw got the new haircut to fit in amongst his wall street cronies; however I have a feeling that unlike certain people,
the senior members of those firms seldomly rape the new bankers to teach "respect". Although they should. It builds character.
Err, I mean it's deplorable and WRONG! That's right. -There is just something missing in The Basham Brothers that I just can't place (unlike Shaniqua
who has an "extra" something..wink*wink). Speaking of Shaniqua, she helped her boys get the duke over Faarooq the other night, when
they introduced their new finisher, the "Ball and Gag" (not to be confused with Patterson's "gag on balls". -When Big Show mentioned that he didn't like The Guerrero's kind, did he mean talented
wrestlers? However, it's good to see WWE knows what it's fanbase really wants.
And what we *obviously* want is Big Show shitting himself, wet T-shirt contests with heavy non-transparent pink shirts,
and The Coach being "pantsed" at Wrestle Mania. The worst however is watching Vince make out with every diva on the roster.
That always drives me to one of those Ace Ventura showers. ..."Einhorn is a Man!".....M. Butterfly is not however, props to
Eric there. Well I am done. Thanks to everyone who gave me love and Fuck You to that one guy. You know
who you are. I never really had a chance to promote anything so I will here, right now, Go to Lethal Wrestling.com and check out this parody of Conan O' Brien's "If They Mated", it struck me funny for some reason.
Well, I'm off. Take care of yourselves and remember: That man you saw climbing in through your Mother's window when you were
a kid....that wasn't your Father, it was me. And I was good. I'm Sean;
Back-Leg
Frontkick: (10/16/03) Six Months Already? Was I That Drunk? Over the last
few months, I've been jockeying over what type of column to write. When I first got into the game, I posted history pieces
that primarily submitted to Live Audio Wrestling and the Toronto Star. Once I got over to 411, I wrote satire much like
the Rants on this site; but after much deliberation, I thought I'd settle on just rambling Gonzo style. Which actually is
pretty much my normal way of communicating anyhow. We'll get to my State of The Website Report soon, but first I'd like to
just shoot the shit about a few things that have been on my mind. And yes, I have one. It might be drug addled. But it's still
there, damn it! Back-Leg Frontkick (10/23/03) A LOT of Random Shit! Welcome to the latest edition of your favorite form of orgasmic pleasure: The Back-Leg Frontkick! I recently
got an Email from someone asking me why the column is called "The Back-Leg Frontkick", and on a few occasions I even
got ribbed by 411 writers for my choice of column title. It's obvious that some of these so called experts never watched WCW (but then
who did) or they'd remember that "Back-Leg Frontkick" was frequently called by famed WCW announcer and full grown Campbell
Soup kid Tony Schiavone. Other than the fact that Tony had zero ability of calling any hold vaguely resembling martial arts
(although early Jim Ross wasn't much better, "What a martial arts move!") but what always struck me funny about that call
was the logistics of it. Think about it, how does one kick forward with the back of his leg, unless one possessed legs comparable
to the tentacles of Dr. Octopus. That's just not possible. And believe me, I've been working on the suit for years! (and not
getting laid). All logic aside, even the name contradicts whats being said, although
to my knowledge Mr. Schiavone never called a hold the "Over-handed Uppercut" so it wasn't all bad. For the record, all incompetence and arrogance aside,
I'd still choose Schiavone over fellow WCW broadcaster Lee Marshall, who always reminded me of some sort of genetically altered combination of Paul Bearer
and Robert from Everybody Loves Raymond. To this day, Jason and I still do our Lee Marshall impressions, greeting each other
with a baritone, unintelligible "Reyyyyy Ronnnnnney!" which is Marshall speak for "Hey Tony!" which was always heard on Lee's
ill-fated WCW Thunder phoned-in road reports. Reality Check
" I read your comments on reality television last week, and I agree
to a point, but I think people can't help watch the voyeuristic look into the lives of these crazy people, all the while watching
them from a safe distance (T.V.). It's human nature to be curious.
In the 1950's, people had gossip, and that took on a life of its
own and was probably the form of entertainment amongst bored people at the time. The bottom-line is that people have and always
will be nosey and over-interested in others business. You made your reasons known as to why you dislike reality T.V. but
I have to ask, if you could create any reality show what would it be?" Great E-Mail. Before I get to the reality show, I agree with you that some people's
human nature is to be preoccupied with other people's business. Nowhere is this more evident then amongst the elderly. When I used to live across the street from my Grandparents, I used to pop over for
visits, and every time a siren was heard or a police car was spotted, my Grandpa would be the first one outside asking questions
to the cops or medics. Old people are ridiculous like that. I myself never cared, honestly.
Onto your question about the reality TV show I'd create. I would take an idea WWE
had back in 2000, but with a little twist. The show would see all the individuals not savvy enough or too stoned (RVD) to
go to Trip's bachelor party rounded up. They'd then be dropped into a jungle somewhere, and they would proceed to kill
each other off in systematic short order. It'd be called "Man-Hunter" in honor of the Game and the last individual to survive
would have to break through a glass ceiling where The H's would be waiting, only with a poison blow dart. H's would then be
declared the winner. This would be how every episode ended. Sounds about right. If I could be Serious for a moment.... I was reading old Raw & Smackdown Results the other day, and I must
admit that I have no recollection of half of the things I was reading about. This is not early senility kicking in because
I pride myself on having a damn good memory (and being a gentle kisser too). Anyway, I came to the realization that the
problem with today's Wrestling product is the fact that nothing noteworthy or surprising ever happens anymore. You can count
on one hand how many times you haven't seen a storyline plot twist coming these days. It's too predictable.
Wrestling used to be water cooler conversation as we'd all gather around talking
about the shocking event we had seen on the previous night's RAW or Nitro. Call it lazy writing or complacency, but when was
the last time you were genuinely surprised, caught off guard by a booking move, or even honestly remember what happened on
an entire episode of RAW, say 6 months ago? It's funny but I couldn't tell you one match from a RAW or Smackdown that happened
a year ago; yet I remember entire cheesy WWF Superstar tapings with every nuance, jobber, and corny gimmick from 15 years
ago. What's with that? Are we so jaded as adults that our tastes have grown and our lust for more extreme, over
the top action has increased to unrealistic proportions? So much so, that what would have been revolutionary 10 years ago
is looked upon today as old hat? I think honestly the answer lies somewhere in the middle.
I'm more than willing to keep an open mind and have patience as far as a developing
storyline goes, I'm of the old school and prefer the "slow burn" as opposed to the fleeting crash TV that permeates our society.
However, if the WWE wants to keep me entertained, they're going to have to start coming up with some new material because
this constant rehashing of passé ideas is getting old. One has to look no further than this week's installment of Smackdown to see McMahon's
strange retro booking in play. Not to spoil Smackdown for anyone but Scotty 2 Hotty & Rikishi return to TV resurrecting
their tired 2000 shtick at the expense of Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas who honestly should have torn through the duo
trying to extract some sort of rub from these walking cliché's. Every time I try to sit back and give the WWE the benefit
of the doubt they come back and pull this shit, but like a battered wife who doesn't know any better, I return into Vince's
waiting arms only to take another proverbial shit kicking for my trouble. If stars like Goldberg, Stone Cold, The Rock and Hulk Hogan can't draw anymore, what
chance does dead weight like Scotty 2 Hotty (who for the record is one "worm" away from destroying John Cena's push forever.)
Rikishi, Bob Holly and even Steve Blackman have of turning business around? Vince professes to be a business man but lets
face it, he's not a very good one. A good businessman keeps his product fresh and gives his customers what they want. It's
sad these stars get loyalty or "longevity" pushes while talents like Paul London, Spanky, RVD and Lance Storm eat canvas every
night. Vince you can't recapture lightning in a bottle. You tried this in 1993 when
you force-fed 80's Wrestling to a hungry ever changing audience, and they rejected it in large doses. Eventually, you were
forced out of desperation to try something NEW and it was the spark business needed.
Some people say Wrestling is cyclical and it will once again come back to where it
was. I call that a cop out. History has proven that Wrestling had its two boom periods by virtue of new ideas that were not
seen in previous years. With the 80's it was the MTV connection that drew the new fans, pulling the product out of the smokey
arena of the 1970's. The 1998 boom was a little different in that there were several factors including Mike Tyson and the
subsequent follow up of Steve Austin and Vince McMahon's characters bringing the business into then uncharted waters. The
owner Vs. employee was a novelty at the time and the crowds fascination with whom Vince truly was (after The Survivor Series
incident) helped create a strong character to play off the unlikely hero and foil Steve Austin. Any which way you slice it,
Wrestling boomed after making large changes in the way they HAD done business.
With Vince having a monopoly on the Wrestling business, would it really hurt to try
something new? What do you have to lose? Unlike 1996, there is no strong rival who could crush Vince if his ideas falter,
so what the hell? Vince does need to look to the past to fix things, but not in rehashing stuff that
use to work... but instead learn from his history and see that radical ideas and change are the sparks needed.....not more company
owners wrestling and cheesy soap. With that said, I'll get off my soap box now and get to the reason you Love me so.
No?...Like then? Fine, tolerate. Not A Good Week To Be Old Or A Post Apocalyptic Warrior.....
Anyhoo, Hawk used to say he that he dined on death, but maybe he just ate a
little too much this time? OK that was tasteless and mean, but I couldn't help making it. Hawk would have wanted it that way.
Didn't you know all wrestlers want it that way? They also want the show to go on, too! Vince said so, and I have no reason
to not believe him..... All kidding aside, I was a huge L.O.D. mark, and also had the utmost respect
for Stu Hart. To me Hawk was always better on the stick then in the ring, although the Roadies style was straight ahead smash
mouth so it was expected. My favorite Hawk liner came at The Royal Rumble '92 when in their pre-match interview going into
their match with Earthquake & Typhoon, Hawk uttered this classic tongue in cheek remark: "They say the Natural Disasters
like to throw their weight around....Well that's ok, because we like to throw their weight around too!" R.I.P. Hawk. I however never had the chance to see Stu Hart in the ring and much like everyone
else saw his legacy was his contribution of top flight wrestlers, that he churned out double-tough with an inbred workrate.
Other than seeing the then 82 year old Stu stretch some guys on Bret Hart's Wrestling with Shadows documentary, my other Stu
memory may in fact be one that not too many picked up on at the time. It was during the Royal Rumble'93 WWF Title match between Bret Hart and Scott "Razor
Ramon" Hall. Stu and Helen sat at ringside in plain view of the cameras and I remember as the crowd was rabid there was Stu
sitting stoically taking every hold in. During what was to be climax of the match, Bret creatively scissored Ramón's legs
countering into a Sharpshooter, and there in the background was a huge grin on Stu's face. You could tell he loved Wrestling,
and even though he was a legend, he still marveled in the drama of a well put together match. I always thought it was
cool and made me relate to the grizzled legend more. I just wouldn't go down
his fucking basement, that's all. Random Thoughts: Nash and Burn.... -Nash may be done. Big Kev announced that his neck is in a bad way and he
will have the non invasive surgery done by Dr. Jho (Angle's Doctor). -While Nash is under the knife he should get the surgeon to attach handles to his
back, that way when he returns it will easier to carry him. -Do you realize Nash that has wrestled maybe a total 2 months of his 2 year $750,000
dollar contract? Nash just farted and made another thousand.... Mercy Is For The Weak.... -So the Basham Brothers "share" Shaniqua? Ewww. I don't know about you, but I don't
even like sharing a sandwich with my brother, let alone burying my member into his sloppy seconds. Especially
on someone (Shaniqua) who is more masculine than both of us combined. Just a word of warning Bashams, when Shaniqua told
you guys that was a special "No Strings Strap-on" that she was penetrating you with, she was lying.
I like it RAW....Sometimes: -With the U.S. Government apparently making some Abortions illegal,
does that mean we've seen our last Mark Henry match? -Speaking of Goldberg, it looks like they'll be putting him in the ring with....
himself! Fellow muscle-laden greenster Batista may get the best or worst of Goldberg some time soon producing maybe the ugliest
brown-shoe since O.J. was on trial. But at least it looks good on paper...You know, the kind you wipe your ass on. Skullets in the news....
-Hulk Hogan apparently "injured"
himself over in Anyway, this apparently scraps
TNA's proposed 3 hour PPV in late November, thus ending the Jarrett/Hogan headliner that was nearly 3 years in the not giving
a fuck about. Although, "Vanilla Midgets"everywhere now have reason to celebrate. -Paul Heyman is the new GM of
Smackdown. This is intriguing because now we have Bischoff (WCW) and Heyman (ECW) under Vince's umbrella running HIS shows.
Who would have ever thunk it? However, the huge shadow of Steph looms in the background and we can unfortunately probably
look forward to a Heyman/Stephanie match that has the opportunity to finally knock Volkoff/Sheik against The Bushwhackers
off it's lofty perch. Well, they at least made a wise
choice in Heyman who is the best performer for this job, as he is one of the best in the business at working the stick (or
so rumors have stated for years...BONG) Unfortunately Smackdown has a lot of non-wrestling heels and the feel right now is
"too many cooks in the kitchen" (In addition to Steph who's in there eating all the food. OK no more Fat jokes, I swear).
However, I'm just glad to see Heyman back on TV though, so I'll take what I can get. Well that's it for this week.
Time lately has been an issue for me as I've been busier than a whore with 12 beds so I may be switching to Bi-weekly columns,
which for the record is the only thing Bi that I've ever admitted to. That's right. I'm Sean. Back-Leg Frontkick (10/30/03) Halloween
Edition
Hallowe'en Havoc (not to be confused with shitty Sid/Sting matches)..... Well it's Halloween tomorrow and I haven't got a costume. I was thinking
of going as a lazy, unmotivated slob, but ultimately decided that it would be too much work... Halloween has some great memories for me as a kid. From switching costumes
and hitting the same unsuspecting fossils for more candy and then in turn having my parents meticulously comb through the
bag discarding any candy that looked suspicious, telling us sternly that it may contain razor blades. However in hindsight
I think swallowing the occasional razor would still be a helluva lot more healthy than ingesting that rock-hard toffee-like
shit that had the orange wrapper with the bats on it. Anyone over twenty will remember this stuff as it was always the last
thing lining your plastic bag by the 2nd week of November. Another "favorite" of mine (note sarcasm) was the clueless bastards that
gave out pennies. I always hated that, as the person (usually elderly) would reach into their purse and then proceed to hurl
two or three cents into your bag, and then be expecting you to thank them for littering your stock with useless metal as if
they had just given you a gold doubloon or something. The pennies to me were always the equivalent of that friend who buys
you a lottery ticket for your birthday, all but saying "Happy Birthday!..Here's nothing!". In most cases I would rather they
just give me the two dollars, and in the case of the penny givers, buy some candy or suffer the consequences. As a young teenager, I was obviously too old to trick or treat, and too cool
as well.....I was too!!....Anyway, being that even in the days of my youth I was too lazy to even go out and steal some random
kids bag of treats , I'd instead opt to rip said children off while they came to my door. Before I get any hate-mail saying
that I was an asshole (Although I am) I never stole from Children but instead those "tweeners" that would go out at about
14 or 15 still expecting to get candy, usually without a costume or at the very least wearing their ridiculous Football/Hockey
uniform (also known as the unimaginative idiot). As these guys would knock on the door and expect candy, I'd pretend to take
two huge handfuls of candy from a dish, but in reality have my fists balled up so tight that the contents (or lack there of)
were impossible to see. I would then stick both hands into their Halloween bag, and in turn grab brimming handfuls of their
candy retracting my hands now filled with the contents of their sack and placing them in the very bowl I apparently grabbed
the first stash from. This would go on all night until I had my desired bounty.
As big a fan I was of wrestling, I actually never went out as a wrestler
or anything wrestling related. However one year my youngest brother did, and not because he was a fan or anything ( he wasn't
actually, probably because of being gorilla slammed by a certain overzealous brother in the backyard..) Anyway my Dad was
late in getting our costumes that year and after finally purchasing my costume and also my brother Luke's, poor Mike was left
with nothing to choose from as all the good costumes were snatched up by early Thanksgiving. I remember as his disappointment
as he perused through the graveyard of unwanted costumes left over on the Walmart rack. Of course the only costumes remaining
were those ones that we've all had to wear at least once, you know those flame retardant plastic pull over suits and cheap
mask with the elastic that always seems to break as soon as you placed it on your head, forcing you or your parents re-adjust
the elastic until there was so little band remaining that the mask's eye holes began cutting into your face. Well, to make
a long story short, Mike had the choice between "Beast-Man" of He-Man fame or the late Road Warrior Hawk. At my prompting
he finally chose Hawk, however the matching Animal was nowhere to be seen, most likely now adorning the body of a fellow hapless
bastard who's Father too had left things to the very last minute. Mike would wear Hawk with pride for 2/3 of that evening,
until the paper mache like mask gave out exploding from his head, leaving him wandering door to door wearing only an unflattering
baggy rubber pullover with The L.O.D.'s likenesses painted on, carrying his pillow case of candy in one arm, and what appeared
to be the severed head of Road Warrior Hawk in the other. Halloween Havoc....The Wrestling Version.....I swear.... It's funny that the WWF(E) really has never capitalized on the Halloween
craze, bar the occasional Raw or SD where either the announcers or the B-level talent were shown in costume at a "party" (although
the part where HHH bolts the door and pours gasoline and lights a match is usually casually cut from our versions). While WWF in the earlier years stole Thanksgiving from WCW/NWA (Starrcade)
to put on Survivor Series, WCW returned with Halloween Havoc, which was one of my favorite shows for some twisted reason. The PPV itself probably hosted some of the worst matches in history with
a few bright spots scattered inbtween (Cactus/Vader in 93, DDP Vs. Goldberg in 98 for example). Since it was Halloween, the event usually hosted some sort of ridiculous
gimmick match or angle. Some of the worst of the worst included the Chamber of Horrors in 91, when Sting, The Steiners and
Stupid Bodysuit faced off against the motley crew of Cactus Jack,Vader, Scott Hall(?!) and Abdullah The Butcher in a steel
cage full of torture devices (minus videos of Jackie Gayda matches). The match ended when Abdullah was "eloctrocuted" and
god bless Abby if he didn't at least try to sell it. The year before we were subjected to the old switcheroo (usually reserved
for poison in Fantasy movies, see the Princess Bride) when Sid Vicious apparently defeated Sting for the NWA Title, albeit
a pudgier, taller version that turned out to be doppelganger Barry Windham who at this point was still six years away from
painting his face again and wandering into the forest in search of woodland creatures, while wearing yellow Camouflage no
less! I'm no hunter but I'd think unless we all of a sudden go to war with the Sun, that there is not too much terrain that
ensemble would blend in with. The other insults that WCW delivered our way "pagan-style" was the "Spin
the Wheel, Make The Deal" match at Halloween Havoc'92 that was to conclude the harrowing Jake Roberts/Sting rivalry. Between
the campy vignettes that featured a bar of pirate like misfits to Cheatum the evil Midget ( Midgets are evil though, where
do you think the legends of trolls come from?....) who would turn up in 2 more WCW vignettes the next year. The match in question
involved Sting spinning a wheel filled with possible match types (much like Raw Roulette last year). The problem was it ended
up on Coal Miners glove, which was probably the very worst filler match you could have (two men, a lead glove on a pole, climb
said pole, use glove on opponent etc.), and in all likelihood the match was probably really decided by a spin of the wheel
as then booker 'Cowboy' Bill Watts was busy backstage trying to string up the minority talent.
The final insult took place at Halloween Havoc'98, as Chucky of Child's Play
fame was some how worked into the Scott Steiner/Rick Steiner feud which apparently wasn't captivating enough on it's own merits
(considering they were WCW's best tagteam ever) and instead Bischoff thought Rick Steiner trading barbs with a puppet would
bring in mainstream crossover. However, all stupidity aside, the fact that Rick did seem to stumble through an argument with
a non-existent pre-taped character is a little funny though.
I Now Pronounce You Man And.......Man?! With all the parodies of HHH and Steph's big day floating around the net
I thought I'd pipe in with some observations of my own from my own very secret source on the inside, without revealing his
identity we'll just call him "Joe X-Pac".....D'Oh! -HHH's Wedding party included Nash, Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker and William
Regal, who was said to stay away from the seafood table....
-During the reception, H's was said to instinctly gulp a half glass
of Champagne and violently spit it all over the dresses of the brides maids. -Shane, who was ring bearer, decided an aisle entry was too "old hat" and
instead opted to climb the steeple's rafters and deliver said ring by plunging 40 feet back first. He was 33. -When the "Best Man" was introduced, Pat Patterson stood up, hands on hips,
defiantly yelling "I'll be Da Judge of Dat!"; -Bret Hart showed up during the reception, warmly toasting the new couple:
"It's hard to believe Steph is all grown up, it seems like just yesterday that Stephanie was a little girl. Times flies, I
mean, who would have ever thought then that fifteen years later her Father would screw me the way he did!?" -Scott Hall was seen wrapping his whole mouth around the Beer Tap. from
there, a panting and flustered Patterson was then seen grabbing Sylvain Grenier by the arm and dragging him into a nearby
closet. -Hall was again seen later that night, this time keying the "Just Married"
limo before forcing Gramma McMahon into a near by hedge. -Vince was said to be somewhat upset when he found out Shawn Stasiak was
the one recording ceremony. In a related note, upon learning this, a dejected Kidman was seen leaving the festivities, teary
eyed, tossing his Kid-Cam in the trash on the way out. -When Steph threw the Bouquet, Steve Austin's new girlfriend was said to
have caught it, so saving time, Austin decided to beat her now as opposed as to after the wedding (I'm sorry Steve) -The Minister to HHH: "Repeat after me, I take this Woman to be my lawfully
wedded wife" HHH: "I take this Money to be my lawfully wedded wife......."
Raw is Good;
I actually enjoyed Raw this week. you heard that right. Two decent shows
inside two weeks and the sky isn't even reigning fire, go ahead, check. Goldberg was not on Raw this past Monday, as he was selling the effects of
Batista's beating last week. He'd have been there but his last name isn't McMahon, and we all know that having your ankle
"broken" is way more devastating then being burned alive in a dumpster or decapitated in a runaway car. John Heidenreich will now be playing the role of meandering big slow fuck,
stealing the mantle from its previous owners Kurrgan and Giant Gonzalez. Speaking of Heidenreich, You'd think Goldberg would
start to complain about an unsafe working environment, you know with guys with Iron crosses on their tights and guys with
the word "Reich" in their names running around. Just a suggestion. Smacked Down;
Not to spoil anything for anyone, but Nathan Jones is back as of this Thursday.
Nathan joining SD makes sense since both he and Stephanie have a lot in common being that they're both walking advertisements
for Milk. (albeit for disturbingly different reasons). Also Matt Morgan was brought up from developmental. He's best remembered
from Tough Enough 2. Why is it that all the people who lost Tough Enough seem to get the most opportunity? Both Jones and
Morgan join Brock Lesnar and Big Show to form a Survivor Series squad that should be named "Team Gets Vince Hard". cough*thatsalotofhosses*cough;
Paul Heyman is a welcome change as new GM. He adds that smarminess that is
needed as opposed to Stephanie "I am Woman, hear me roar" McMahon. Also Paul's very good at Mike work. Mike being the stagehand
in the back. BONG! (I have to insert at least one a column) Total Nonstop Action...Except for those times when it's
not.... Even though Hulk Hogan won't technically be radiating the Asylum for a while,
The stench of Terry Bollea is already being felt in TNA. Jimmy Hart introduced "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan as the mystery opponent for Jeff
Jarrett on last night's show. Last week, Hart announced that he'd be bringing in a former protege to face Jarrett, but obviously
when continuity and fact showed up at Jerry Jarrett's door, he was out of town because I don't remember Hart ever managing
Duggan. This whole thing is starting to remind me of somewhere else. If next week
Duggan somehow defeats Michael Shane for The X Title (renamed XL Title) in 15 seconds and Hogan gets a ticker tape parade
down 1 imaginary Road I'm seriously outta here. Coming Next year: Schiavone like voice:"TNA takes over Monday Nights....from
The Mall of America it's TNA Monday Stuff they put in Dynamite!".......bleh. -Well that's it for this week. I know I said the bi-weekly columns were afoot
but this week just had too much going on for me to just sit back and mastur.....I mean work...Ya that's it. Take care. Sean; |
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Well, it's been a great ride, but much like having sex with a case of the whiskey dick, a very short one. This will be my
last column for 411, because my life is just too crazy right now. and by crazy, I mean the complete dictionary opposite
of the word. Writing was just cutting too much into my drinking and sleeping. That's it.
