RAW RANTS June 2003













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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (June 2003)

RAW Report: 06/02/03

The Show opens with The Rock pulling into the arena he mentions the people. Apparently he's a Face now. So much for continuity.

Jazz,Victoria & Molly Holly Vs. Trish Stratus, Ivory & Jacqueline; The entire RAW Woman's roster is in the ring here so one can only assume they'll be booking some 6-way nonsense at the PPV. Normally the prospect of six women going at it at once would excite me but the well has ran dry on "Divas" matches. An influx of new talent may help however..... Anyhoo, typical Diva's match ensues. Ivory atleast is on tonight and finishes Jazz with an X-Factor ( I saw this same spot done in a porno once...nevermind.)

Goldberg pulls up to the arena in his "car". The Car is actually running Ok and no one tries to murder him with their Automobile, so his day is off to a good start.

Test and Stacy argue backstage. Test is pissed because Stacy asks why his back has more pimples than a 14 year old boy. Stacy wants to end it with Test because the roid rage scares her and she'd rather be with....Scott Steiner?! Anyway longstory short Test has a contract so apparently Stacy is still obligated to represent him.

Hurricane is shown inexplicably coming to the ring. He is blindsided by Randy Orton. HHH & Flair come out and Flair cuts a promo on HBK. Ric drops the term Ric Flair wannabe, and Trip's sports a shit eatin' grin obviously not seeing the irony of the comment. Flair says he's passed the torch to HHH and not HBK and said that he'll make HBK his bitch. HHH hangs his head in shame remembering his days as HBK's bitch and his humiliating roll as "pivot-man" in The Kliq circle jerks.

HBK comes out wearing a not at all offensive T-shirt of a cross with HBK blazened across it. On the other side it says "Turn the other Cheek so I can Superkick it! - Just kidding... HBK cuts an arrogant promo on how he's the greatest and took the torch from Flair. HBK basically relays that he's better than all the young guys in the Locker room as the old HBK obviously snuck out of the pearly gates. Way to get the younguys over too. HHH ends up calling HBK to the ring but HBK brings Big Kev as his backup. and they all brawl, Hurricane is also involved.

Scott Steiner defeats Steven Richards in a glorified squash. Big Sump Pump uses a version of Kanyon's Flatliner to finish. Poor Steven never really had a chance and didn't even have Victoria in his corner. This squash ends up being a backdrop to another segment as Test followed by Eric Bischoff come out and Bisch makes a siringe on a pole match for Stacy's services at the PPV.

Austin & Bischoff are backstage and StoneCold makes HHH, Flair and Orton Vs. HBK,Nash & Hurricane-gee I wonder who's doing the job in this one.

Austin & Bischoff also agree to compete with one another in a Redneck Triathalon. (Great, more gimmicked shit at the PPV, I hope it lives up to the high standards set at the last one)

Goldberg is interviewed by Terri backstage. Jericho is shown throwing paint (Who left that laying around?) on Goldberg's car. Whoopi is distraught and runs out to the parking lot where he speeds off in his car. Atleast Bill had the willpower to not punch out his windows. Next week in order to get to Goldberg, Jericho is scheduled to apply the Walls to stray cats and dogs...The Humanity!

The Highlight Reel; Jericho is apparently gone so Christian takes his place as host and renames it the "peep" show. Rock comes out and he and Christian trade schtick back and forth about who is truly the peoples Champion. (DDP is seen crying himself to sleep on his huge pillow over this segment.) Rock goes into the crowd in a bizarre waste of time. (see DDP reference) Jericho does eventually come out and cuts down Rock. Y2J and Christian beat down the "Great One" until Booker T. makes the save. Rock and Booker clean house and after Book does a People's Elbow, Rock does a Rock-A-Rooni (not to be confused with the San Fransisco treat). To summarize this segment: Although it was good to see the Rock again, the segment did little to further any storylines and mainly served as a vehicle to turn "Rock" face in time for his next movie *wink*wink.

Jericho & Christian try to leave the building but are stopped by Austin.

Kane Vs. Rene Dupree; Shitty match here as Dupree goes over after a lowblow and a rollup. Remember when Kane was an unstoppable monster in 97-98 that couldn't even be taken off his feet?, Well apparently Austin remembers and in a bizarre segment tries to piss off Kane in order to help Kane get his "heart" back. My question is, when did the character lose his heart? Kane hasn't shown any signs of depression as of late so this segment was manufactured and stupid. Way to write on the fly WWE. Anyway Kane refuse to chokeslam Austin so Stonecold goes Debra on him and stuns him into the ground. In a side note: Pat Patterson is impressed with the french duo and wants to give La Resistance a Big Ass Push...BONG!-See what I did there?

HHH is shown laughing outside a Lockeroom (And it wasn't even Booker & Jericho's Either)

HHH,Nash & Orton converse backstage about their match, HHH says he has a plan and not to worry as he's booked himself to go over.

Booker T. & Goldust Vs. Chris Jericho & Christian; Dust-T goes over when Booker hits the "ASK" kick (I hope you get that) on Christian for the clean pin. Jericho assaults Booker & Goldust who was apparently "Tourettes" free tonight thanks to the miracle of modern medicine or lazy writing, take your pick. Goldberg runs in to spear Jericho but referee Charles Robinson takes the full force of the move and is folded when Y2J moves out of the way. Goldberg calls for the EMT's and tries to console The Ref by saying "I thought you were Bret Hart, I'm sorry"....In a sidenote, anyone find it as funny as I do the that the guy that is the WWE Trainer is morbidly obese?

Referee's are shown backstage saying that they don't want to Referee the Heck in The Cell match between and HHH & Nash because it's gonna suck. Austins says he has an idea for a Referee and says that he's a crazy son of a bitch.... Vince is gonna Referee?

Main Event: HHH, Flair & Randy Orton Vs. HBK,Nash & The Hurricane; Nash was in for maybe 1 minute total and was still gassed. This one was mediocre at best and the finish lowered its credibility even more. Hurricane hits the Sparkly Magician on Orton and is about to finish him after a Blockbuster when GOD comes in and Pedrigree's Hurricane so Orton can pin him. and by pin I mean a two count then the referee stopping and signalling for the bell confusing everyone. Lame. HHH can't even let someone on his OWN team win cleanly. Fuck HHH, Fuck him in his stupid Ass. Nash gets a Powerbomb on HHH to end the show.

Honestly I thought this show was a big piece of Shit. There was maybe a total of 20 minutes of Wrestling Total. and Goldberg's character is about as compelling as listening to one of your Grandfather's lame ass work stories.

Highlight: I really didn't have a real highlight but If I must pick some The Rock was atleast entertaining as usual and Flair and HBK created some intrigue with their promos.

Lowlight: The Wrestling was abysmal on this show, from Steiner to the Kane/Dupree abortion. You know when the best highspot comes from a guy (RVD) who's not even wrestling on the show, that something's wrong with "booking". ... Poor Rob, well atleast someone took care of that skunk in his lockeroom though.

RAW Report for (06/09/03)

The Show opens up with Stone Cold and HHH backstage , Trip's demands that Austin tell him who the guest referee is, Austin refuses but tells HHH to "Have a nice day" obviously giving a little wink*wink to the people watching at home.

Goldberg Vs. Rosey; Obviously WWE doesn't get the Goldberg Formula. People lose interest in Whoopi when he has long matches and the man got over in WCW by killing people. Jericho is situated at ringside and Goldberg crushes Rosey with a spear and hits a jackhammer thats sloppier than Jason's Mom eating fried chicken to get the duke;

Rob Van Dam Vs. Rene' Dupree; RVD hits the green frog with a bunch of kicks (no Shit?) and eventually goes over with a body scissors cradle pin. Sylvian Grenier interferes and La duo deliver a version of High Times En Francais on the hapless Van Dam after the match. Kane is no where to be seen.

Austin & Bischoff are shown backstage with a giant wheel filled with Redneck games. Dragging minorities from the back of Trucks is surprisingly excluded from the list. Bischoff spins the wheel and it lands on "Pie Eating Contest" Bischoff doesn't understand the concept and the now single Austin (Spousal abuse has a funny way of ending a marriage) states that it's a "poontang" pie eating contest. Look for the WWE to once again tease something and then pull it away faster than a handjob on prom night.

The show Freddie Blassie's last appearence on RAW a few weeks ago and then show testiomonials from McMahon family members and others in memory of the "Hollywood fashion plate".

Trish Stratus & Ivory Vs. Jazz & Victoria; I couldn't be sicker of these "Diva's" matches. Hey I know it's cock fodder for the teenage marks out there but it's always the same match. Everyone worked hard and their hearts were in the right place (although you never can tell with a shape like Jazz's) Ivory pins Jazz with a very sloppy inside cradle to win. ...Ebony....Ivory....livin' together in Harmony.....anyhoo;

Christian & Jericho discuss Goldberg in the locker room. Y2J relays how he's inside Goldberg's head (I picture a hamster running on a little wheel in there) and says that Whoopi will make a mistake at Bad Blood and Jericho will capitalize and beat him.

Scott Steiner Vs. Lance Storm; Poor Lance doesn't even get an entrance. Steiner is accompanied by Stacy. Test comes out and does commentary. His voice is a little horse...which by the way he must be hung like to get Stacy but anyway...Lance gets a little offense but gets finished by a "Flatliner" (However I call his the "Juicer"- that is what it shall be referred to from now on) for the win. Test however breaks up the party and hits Scotty with the Booooooot!! He then manhandles Stacy and leaves.

The Hell in a Cell lowers and out comes the man who had the best H.I.T.C. match ever....Big Bossman!-just kidding...It was Foley. (Surprise!) 62% of people on WWE.com thought it was Foley all along while the other 38% dribbled baby food all over their chins. Foley states that the WWE is in him (There is a medical procedure that can remidy that) It was good to see Foley again and he cut a very good promo. HHH comes out and reminds the World that "God" ended Mick Foley's career. Trip's gives Mick an hour to refuse the Referee offer for Bad Blood or face his wrath.

Randy Orton Vs. The Hurricane; Ric Flair and HBK are in respective corners. Orton needs his own image. Coming out to Flair's theme is only gonna remind people that he's not Flair. Flair gets involved after Hurricane hits the Sparkly Magician and prevents the count. HBK and Flair get into it and Flair blades! ....on a RAW?!...Man this guy is dedicated...Orton hits a Diamond-cutter but I'll call it a "Cookie-Cutter" in honour of the OVW look to get the win.

Spike Dudley reminds us why he's never given promo time when he converses with Foley backstage, Spike looked more nervous than a waiter serving O.J. Simpson. ..BONG! ...Anyway Foley says he'll take everything into consideration tonight before coming to a decision.

Booker T. Vs. Christian in a Spin-A-Roooni contest. King does a Spin-a-rooni to a decent pop. Christian is hilarious as he does the whitest running man in History before dropping to one knee (The Patterson position) and delivering a "Peep-erooni"; Booker cuts down Christian's and attempts one of his own but Christian tries to hit Book with a belt shot but Booker kicks him out of the ring. Booker then completes his Spin-A-rooni, Christian however gets his shot in as Booker T. comes up the ramp afterward;

Rodney Mack Vs. D-Von Dudley; The bizarre push of Rodney continues as he goes over D-Von with his Cobra Clutch variation known as the "Black-out". The "beige-out" didn't have the same ring I guess. D-Von actually got the best match out of Mack yet and the bonus is we get to see The Dudleyz against Mack & Christopher Nowinski at Bad Blood and incase you don't know that was sarcasm.

Goldberg is interviewed by Terri. Man Goldberg cuts the worst promos. Thank god Jericho ended trhe misery by hitting Whoopi with a chair. Goldberg no-sold it however and smiled about the incident. However the smile was actually drived from the fact that he's making almost 2 Million to wrestle people like Rosey.

Austin is looking for Mick and after they run down the Bad Blood card Mick confronts Austin. Austin responds and states that he's disgusted that Foley seemed intimidated by HHH. He told Mick to decide what he wanted to do in 2 minutes.

Triple H comes to the ring and says that Foley's time is up. Mick comes out and makes it sound like he's had second thoughts about Refereeing the Bad Blood Main Event, but then he says that he'll go back to his "normal life" after the PPV. The two begin to brawl and Mick doesn't look like he's lost a step. Foley in true Mick Foley fashion takes bumps that he didn't need to but visually it looked fantastic as he, much like Flair did a few weeks prior conveyed some real emotion and made me care about what I was seeing. (something that the robotic Nash is incapable of) HHH laid Mick out with a chair shot but Mick managed to make a three count showing that abuse won't stop him from doing his job on Sunday. HHH pedigrees Mick onto the Chair but once again Mick is able to recover and make a 3 count. By this time Flair & Randy Orton are out helping Trips beat on Foley when HBK and Nash do a "walk in" although "Big Gimpy" tried to hustle at the end. Nash's weak offense ruined an otherwise perfect segment, His knee lift to HHH looked more like an Old man about to climb into a warm bath than anything overly menacing. Nash did manage to hit his one move: "The Jack Knife" and cover Trips as Mick made the symbolic three count.

This show was mediocre but was saved by the starpower of Mick Foley who was money tonight. The WWE needs to end the HHH/Nash rivalry because it stinks. both Flair and now Mick have shown that a program with them would be much better. Trip's needs to cut his buddy loose and if WWE is honestly thinking of putting the Belt on Nash they are obviously out of their minds. Nash was the LOWEST drawing WWF Champion in history and that was when he actually had a modicum of ability as opposed to the clown shoes he now affectionately wears.

Highlight: Mick Foley; Foley has the "Rocky Balboa" type quality to make you root for the underdog. Foley represents the Everyman and his almost 2 years away from the WWE spotlight hasn't diminished that ability one bit. Thankyou Mick. you've been missed.

Lowlight: Nash; I don't mean to piss on Nash but he hasn't given me one reason to get behind him. The whole "We were bestest buddies!" angle does nothing for me and one can only hope that WWE ends his "push" after this Sunday. This is actually one time I want HHH to bury someone.

 

RAW REPORT #1 by Chad Godsey (contributing writer)

Raw began with Stone Cold staring at the monitor, and Triple H barging in. HHH demanded to know whom the special referee for the Hell in a Cell was. Austin said he'd tell him and everybody else when he was good and ready. Austin then went onto to tell HHH to "have a nice day". (Duuuh, I wonder who it will be.)

Goldberg's theme begins and he is shown coming out of the locker room. A segment is played showing how Goldberg speared a referee inadvertently when Y2J moved out the way on last week's Raw. Also one showing when Goldberg speared Rosie of 3 Minute Warning through the protective railing.

1st Match: Goldberg vs. Rosie. Y2J struts out with a chair, sets it up, and sits to view the match from the stage. Some trash talking between the two competitors is done, some power moves. Jericho runs to the ring with the chair when Rosie is knocked out of it and attempts to nail Goldberg; he is stopped by a boot from Goldberg. Rosie comes back behind Goldberg but is quickly speared and Jackhammered for the victory.

A poll is shown on WWE.com, asking whom the fans think will be the guest ref at Bad Blood: Stone Cold, Mick Foley, Shane McMahon, Terry Funk, or The Rock?

A segment is shown where Austin attempted to "motivate" Kane last week. When he failed, Stone Cold nailed Kane with a Stunner. Also one showing Renee Dupree's defeat over Kane last week, which prompted Austin's actions.

2nd Match: Rob Van Dam vs. Renee DuPree of La Resistance. Some swift kicks and good wrestling moves make this match an entertaining one. RVD attempts to hit the 5-Star Frog Splash and misses. RVD then does some kind of kick, misses, but captures Renee in a hold, which gets the 3-count. Uh, ok? The other member of La Resistance storms out (I don't know his damn name, and frankly I don't care) and they double-team RVD. JR and the King ask several times why Kane hasn't come out yet to help his fallen partner.

Stone Cold and Bischoff show up next to a wheel, with a variety of competitions on it, all redneck stuff. Eric spins the first time and draws the Pie-eating contest. Stone Cold declares its gonna be a poontang pie contest. Umm, how they're going to do this befuddles(?) even moi. Eric then asks if the special guest ref for HAIC will be "Bang bang" (undoubtedly referring to Cactus Jack). Austin says he can't quite tell yet.

A segment is shown when Freddie Blassie was about to be destroyed by 3 Minute Warning, when Stone Cold interfered bringing the Dudleys.

A promo is shown with various people from the WWE speaking about "Classy" Freddie Blassie. (The man will forever rule, ya pencil-necked geek!)

RVD is shown backstage asking Kane "where the hell" he was. After some badmouthing Kane walked away from his tag partner.

3rd Match: Trish Stratus and Ivory vs. Victoria and Jazz.(God, I hate this damn monkey). Jazz informs Ivory her victory last week was of complete
luck, and that "the bitch is back!" (Whoopdy doo). Ivory hooks Jazz up in a piece of shit looking small package and claims the win.Christian and Jericho are shown backstage. Christian declares he challenged Booker T to a "Spinaroonie Contest". Jericho explains he needs to get out of the arena because if he comes into contact with Goldberg he "can't be held accountable" for what he might do.

A segment is shown for the WWE's event over the weekend in England: Insurextion.

4th Match: Scott Steiner with Stacy Keibler vs. Lance Storm.(Argh, he didn't even get an entrance; I hate wrestling now). Of course Test comes out, this time joining JR and the King for commentary. Test sounds like he has a Goddamned frog in his throat for some reason. Test comes to the ring and tries to force Stacy away with him, Steiner comes out and they have a tug-o-war. Steiner hits some kind of Flat-liner wannabe (Kanyon's old move from WCW) on Storm and obtains victory. Afterward Test nails Steiner several times with a chair. Test declares Stacy doesn't have to be his girlfriend anymore because this Sunday, she'll become his whore. (Gasp! Shock value is trying, really tryng to rise).

The Cell lowers to the ring and it is said that special ref has arrived. On the poll, 62% of the fans voted for Mick Foley.(I guess most of them aren't total idiots). Austin's music hits and he walks out with a mic. Austin says he'll now introduce "the craziest opponent he's ever faced".. Foley of course walks out, clad in his sweat pants and flannel shirt, and to the ring, and stands in the Cell. Fans: "Foley! Foley! Foley!" Foley then cuts a promo about his views on his participation in the Hell in a Cell match. The very man who ended Foley's career, HHH interrupts(who could have seen that coming). He states that everything going on is none of Foley's business. That Foley is no longer a wrestler, just a "regular guy". HHH advises Foley to reconsider(Something I think Foley has no experience doing) his decision to ref the match. HHH limits Foley's time to an hour and threatens if he makes the wrong one, he'll force him to the ring to make the right one.

The all to familiar theme from one of my favorite movies all of time 2001: A Space Odyssey hits, and the stylin' and profilin' Ric Flair swaggers to the ring. Flair introduces the third generation wrestler Randy Orton. Hurricane walks out, surveys and runs back. He appears again accompanied by HBK.

5th Match: Randy Orton vs. the Hurricane. Hurricane hits the Shining
Wizard, one dumbass move. Flair jumps in and blatantly interferes. HBK pulls Flair out and Flair is busted open within seconds(If I had a damn dime everytime.). Hurricane gets hit by some kind of Diamond Cutter from Orton and is pinned. As Michaels leaves, Flair throws his legendary tantrum, his face covered in red Kool-aid (or blood, for you marks out there).

Foley is shown backstage with Spike Dudley. Spike advises Mick to think
twice about ref'ing. Helmsley is shown backstage with Bischoff, arguing. Bischoff just nods repeatedly.

Jerry Lawler is shown in the ring announcing its time for the very first Spinaroonie Contest. Booker T comes out with his fireworks and dumb female hair-style. The Intercontinental champion Christian walks out. Booker informs King that the people would like to see a "King-a-roonie" first. King runs around in a circle on his side. Christian gives it a shot and dances like a fool and spins like a dick. Booker tries, but Christian attempts to intervene in the middle with a belt shot to the head and misses. Booker explains that this Sunday that Christian can't hide and he will become the new champ. Booker hits the Spinaroonie afterward to celebrate his future victory, I guess. On the stage, Christian shows up again, whacking Booker in the back of the head with the belt and Booker hits the steel.


6th Match: D-von Dudley vs. Rodney Mack. Nowinski accompanies Mack and Teddy Long in his ever-infamous nose protecting retard mask, which resembles the mask worn in The Phantom of the Opera. D-von hits his weird Scorpion Death Drop thing(which reveals Mack's thong, good God, eww). Bubba jumps in and they 3D Nowinski, Mack does his submission move and wins.

Terri is shown backstage interviewing Goldberg. Y2J reveals that he hasn't left the area yet and nails Goldberg from behind with one of the hardest chair shots I've ever seen. Goldberg of course, in Goldberg fashion, no-sells it and smiles.

Stone Cold is shown backstage looking for Foley and demands some Chink girl to bring him to Austin.

A segment is showing Goldberg's no-sell from minutes ago comes on. Foley shows up next to Steve. Austin asks why Foley looked intimidated by HHH earlier. Austin tells Foley he's got a couple minutes to make his decision before Triple H calls him to the ring.

The Cell lowers once again, and HHH's music hits. HHH asserts that Foley's time is up, Foley wants out interrupting him. Foley states he'll ref the match. Foley then says he'd like to take the ass-kicking HHH promised him now and runs to the ring, Foley hits him with a few punches and nails him with a knee in the corner, then makes the famous gun hand gestures of Cactus Jack. HHH slings Foley into the stairs, and gives him some mean chair shots (no one can sell a damn chair shot like Foley). Foley shows he can still count to 3 and says he can still take some more punishment and HHH comes back to the ring to hit Foley with a Pedigree on the chair. Mick then shows he can count once again, and the members of HHH's group come out to beat his ass. Who could expect what'd happened next, HBK and Nash hit the ring. Nash and HHH are left in the ring exchanging blows, Nash hits the big boot on Helmsley and Jackknifes him right in the middle of the ring. Nash lays on top of Hunter and Foley counts to 3 to simulate the possible outcome of the Hell in a Cell match Sunday.

RAW Report (06/16/03) by Chad Godesy

Raw began with the special ref hardcore legend himself Mick Foley, strutting in his sweats, flannel and Bad Blood t-shirt(so much for going back to being ordinary). Foley brought another book and cheap plugged it of course, then followed up with a cheap pop Foley-style. He went to say how good it felt to be in the ring one more time, watching HHH and Nash kick each others ass("even though HHH pulled it out", he loved stuffing Mr. Socko down HHHs mouth). Foley says he remembers, for the first time that last night, he remembers what he really is. Foley is then interrupted by some new music, apparently the music of "Evolution": the team of HHH, Flair, and Orton. Orton speaks up first, asking what Foley remembered: being a loser? Or being jealous of Flair claiming victory over Michaels? Or that hes just washed up? Orton then says Foley might be honored enough to join Evolution. Foley says he doesnt wanna be a "Four Horsemen wannabe". Foley gives HHH and Flair props, then insults Orton for being a bitch at home for months on end. Orton shows off his body(which HHH of course feels up), asking why he wants to mutilate it the way Foley did to become famous. Orton says he wishes HHH never retired Mick because hed beat his ass, Foley proclaims "bring it on!", Orton tries but Mick retaliates and beats them up a bit, and is about hit HHH in the corner with the knee. But Orton hits his Diamond Cutter wannabe thing on Mick, and Flair almost gets the Figure Four, but Maven and Foleys ol buddy Al Snow run out and break it up, sending Evolution back into the locker room.

Eric Bischoff is shown backstage with Mae Young and Moolah, insulting both of them violently. Eric declares Mae will bring her wrinkled ass to the ring and wrestle tonight, but says he wont announce her opponent until later on.

1st Match: The Dudley Boyz and Ivory vs. Rodney Mack, Chris Nowinski, and Jazz. The Dudleyz end up hitting the 3D on Nowinski, but are knocked out of the ring, and Jazz and Ivory are left in. Ivory rolls Jazz up and gets the pinfall. Bubba picks Ivory up on his shoulders and her and the Dudleyz celebrate up the stage and to the back.

JR and King are shown asking about the new poll on WWE.com: Who do you believe to be the next member of Evolution?

Kane is shown backstage, and RVD approaches. RVD says theyve gotta get ready for the rematch for the title against La Resistance tonight. Kane says RVD should take his own advice and that if they dont win the titles tonight, they should go their separate ways.

A segment is shown reliving the events of last nights Bad Blood.

Foley is shown backstage with Al Snow, telling Mick how he did a good job telling Orton off. Maven runs in, declaring excitedly that hes just gotten Austin to set up a match being himself and the third generation athlete. Mick states how Flair will be in Ortons corner for the match-up tonight, so he says hell be in Mavens.

HHH, Orton, and Flair are shown backstage, watching the tv: debating on who their forth member will be.

2nd Match: Theres about to be a match between some nobody and Lance Storm. Austin walks out saying "boring" several times. Austin says he wants Storm to show some emotion, obviously trying to motivate the Canadian. During the match, Austin lays out a sleeping bag, then begins snoring over the mic. Austin goes onto to say that Lance is the most boring son of a bitch hes ever seen, Lance is distracted, and the dork hes facing rolls him up for the pin. Austin departs and ends by saying again Lance is the most boring person hes ever seen "and thats the bottom line cause Stone Cold said so".

3rd Match: Chris Jericho and Christian vs. Booker T and Goldberg. Y2J hits the Lionsault on Booker, but Goldberg spears him hurting his injured arm. While the ref checks on Goldberg, Christian brings the belt into the ring and attempts to hit Booker with it, Booker reverses, snatching the belt and nailing Christian. Booker gets the pin and himself and Goldberg get the victory.

A segment is shown about the pie-eating contest last night.

Eric Bischoff comes out and proclaims hes the special guest ring announcer for the next match. Test walks out and shows that hes the man facing Young. Austin shows up on the titantron, saying the special referee will be Steiner

4th Match: Mae Young vs. Test. While Steiner is coming out, Test hits the Pump Handle Slam on Young and runs back up the stage. I guess this one ends in a no-contest.

Some oily haired guy is shown in the back, with Jackie Gayda, asking for various things like um "sparkle glitter". He then stands up showing that its Rico(and everyone nods going oooookay). They walk off together, and JR echoes through everyones brain, "What the hell?"

Austin is shown backstage, asking someone to bring RVD and Kane to his office right away.

5th Match: Rico vs. Spike Dudley. Spike is distracted by Jackie, and Rico nails a kick on Spike, knocking him out apparently(wtf, this guy beat 2 huge men in a handicap match in ECW) and got the pinfall.

Stone Cold is shown backstage with RVD and Kane, attempting to get them motivated, telling them to win the titles tonight not for themselves or for Austin, but for the United States.

6th Match: Randy Orton with Ric Flair vs. Maven with Mick Foley. Ric interferes when Maven goes up top, Foley chases him down with Mr. Socko. Orton ends up hitting his move and picks up the win. Foley jumps into the ring and shoves Mr. Socko down Ortons gullet; Flair tries to break it up and gets the Mandible Claw for himself. Orton takes Flair out of the ring and they make a run for the back.

7th Match: La Resistance vs. Rob Van Dam and Kane. Kane attempts a Chokeslam, but is taken onto the outside and done the double-team move which I dont know the name of by the Frenchmen. RVD tries to do the 4-Star Frog Splash, but is pushed off and flies into Kane on the outside. Kane then goes crazy, taking a chair and smacking DuPree in the face with it, getting disqualified, and then Chokeslamming him. Kane brings the other guy back to the ring and strikes him with a chair and a Chokeslam. HHHs music hits and he walks out to the ring. Helmsley claims he can help Kane "evolve" if he agrees and says yes. Before Kane can make a decision, Austin charges out. Austin asks why Kane is even listening, and that HHH wants Kane because hes a threat to him. HHH says if Kane joins, even Austin wont be able to handle them. Austin says if Kane says no to HHH, Kane will face Triple H next week on Raw for the title. Bischoff now comes out and says if Kane takes up Austins and loses to HHH, Kane will be forced to unmask in front of the world. Kane grabs both Helmsley and Austin around their throats, drops HHH and picks Austin up. Then drops Austin while HHH is celebrating, grabs him around the throat and Chokeslams him, giving his decision that he will face Helmsley for the title next week.

RAW Report (06/23/03)

The show from the Garden opens up with a match instead of the standard 20 min. promo with Steiner & Booker T. Vs. Christian & Test

Test & Mini Test Vs. Booker T. & Scott Steiner; Fast paced match (When was the last time that happened when Steiner was involved) Everyone clicked and this relatively short match ended when Steiner gets pushed into Stacy who falls to the floor and Test hits his bacon fried Booooooot for the win.

Kane is shown backstage looking into a mirror and we go Waynes World style flashback (dooodley doo doodley doodley doo) to Kane's 1997 debut, but Alas there was no Scooby-Doo ending.

Christopher Nowinski Vs. Maven; Russo must be ghost booking this show because this was the 2nd quick match of the night as Maven defeats his fellow Tough enough finalist with a rolling cradle and bridge. The line of the night goes to Teddy Long who said to Maven: "Light skinned Brothers went out 4 years ago" the irony is we get to see the even lighter Rodney mack representing later;

Evolution arrives backstage and are mugged by a woman who was not at all planted.

Highlight Reel is next and Jericho berates Stone Cold for the way he treated Lance Storm. Lance comes out and reads a statement, Austin interrupts with the Boring chant. Great another chant idiot fans can start yelling at every match, "What?!" ruined promos for 90% of wrestlers and now "Boring" will be yelled during the matches, way to get the product over Vince. Vince: "What if we just told the people we suck..ya I like that idea"...anyway Austin makes a Tagteam match with Jericho & Lance facing The Dudleys.

Y2J & Lance Storm Vs. The Dudley Boyz; We got to see the Thrillseekers reform for one night and this match was atleast given some time.Decent match here. Lance ends up getting 3D'd by the Dudleys and D-von gets the pin.

Randy Orton is shown reading Foley's new book Tietam Brown and reads a passage aloud to Ric Flair who makes fun of Mick and says he'll beat him down if he sees him.

La Resistance butcher the French National Anthem, but no one likes french people so it's okay.

La Resistance Vs. The Hurricane & Sgt. Slaughter's Stomach; Man they dusted off Sarge who hardly resembled the buff G.I. Joe action figure of my youth, as a matter of fact Sarge looked like he may have consumed the entire Cobra Terrorist group by himself. Hurricane doesn't really play a part in this one as Bob takes it to both Green Frogs throwing some Cobra Clutches like "they was going outta style" but one belt shot to the head later and the beached carcuss of the Sarge was laid out for a quick pin by Dupree.

Kane once again has a flashback. It's neat how WWE cameras can go right into his mind!- bleh

Stone Cold comes out and announces that Wrestle Mania will be from the Garden. He then calls Foley to the Ring and has club ECW come out and present him with the Hardcore Belt (Crash Holly quickly runs out and rolls up Foley and disappears into the crowd as Champion..hehe) They show a career montage of Mick but without WCW & ECW Footage which is strange considering they own both libraries. Vince McMahon comes out (without Mr. America?) and thanks Mick for his contributions. Real cool tribute segment here closes with Mick quoting Frosty the Snowman and saying "I'll be back again someday"

Kevin Nash & HBK Vs. Ric Flair & Randy Orton. Nash looked as happy to be there as a Black man in a Honkytonk bar. considering who was involved (except Nash) this one lagged and saw HBK getting his "win" back on Flair which made little if any sense. The purpose of this match should be to get Orton over not stroke the ego of the Dudes with Attitudes. HBK cleanly pins Flair with his Chin music now affectionately known as the Kick of Christ. (I can say these things I'm a Christian)

Foley is shown after the break signing a copy of his book for Vince when Flair and Orton walk by. Foley ends up brawling with Orton and it looks very convincing as Foley does more to get Randy over in this beatdown then Nash and Michaels did in a plodding match; The segment ends as Vince is back to being evil again asking for a Janitor to clean up Foley.

Goldberg Vs. Rodney Mack; White boy challenge is answered by Whoopi who annhilates Mack in 26 seconds with an extended Jackhammer. Finally WWE gets the Goldberg formula, I'm sure Vince has Barbarian & Rick Fullers numbers on rollodex.

Kane smashes the mirror backstage meaning 7 years of bad matches. A befuddled Goldberg after asked in amazement, how did you do that!?

They show a Wrestle Mania moment with Trip's Pedigreeing Steph. Quite the moment. Yes lets "highlight" the worst booked main event angle ever.

Kane Vs. HHH; World Title Vs. Mask; They obviously have high hopes for this one as they're giving away a PPV angle on free TV. Lots of blown spots in this one as Kane no sells a DDT and a sloppy neckbraeker. Ref gets bumped and Flair intervenes but eats a choke slam. HHH hits a pedigree but Kane kicks out. Randy Orton interferes and hits a cookie-cutter as HHH follows with the 2nd Pedigree and wins the match. (no shit?) Bischoff makes his only appearence of the evening and tells Kane he must unmask. HHH & the Gang attack Kane but RVD makes the save and the duo squash the Evolution. Kane then pauses and takes off his mask revealing: The Missing Link?! missing since 1987. He was wearing a wig and had a self made horseshoe that I guess was supposed to mean his hair never grew back after "The Fire." The problem here was his "burn" makeup was so smudged that Jan the make up lady must have been doing shooters backstage. Missing Link then inexplicably chokeslams RVD and does his four post fire deal.

Well it'll be interesting to see where the Kane character goes from here. ...Maybe Kane's born with it. Maybe it's Maybeline.

Highlight: The Foley package. There has never been a more sympathetic character in Wrestling than Mick and it was nice to show him a tribute that was 19 months due.

Lowlight: The stupid-assed finishes. My Vince Russo theory seemed evident as almost every match had that rushed 1999 crash TV feel to it. and The Kane payoff was hardly worth it, they honestly could have done a better job with his makeup....apparently the fire only affected the eybrow region of the Big Red Machine and the reason he wore the mask was to hide his Hoganesque hairdo.

RAW Report June 30/03

The show opens with the "Highlight Reel". Jericho's guest is Stacy who is accompanied by Scott Steiner. Jericho shows Stacy's Stuff Magazine layout and refers to himself as a legend in the sack. Stacy comes back with the not so subtle comeback that Y2J has a small dick. Steiner gets a big smile on his face until he remembers that he has shrunken testicles. WWE will apparently oneday team Jericho & Steiner up and refer to them as "Baby Genitals". Test comes out and he and Jericho assault Test prompting Eric Bischoff to make a match featuring those four. By the way Eric announces that Stone Cold is not here as he apparently has food poisoning...Note to self: Never eat leftovers at Regal's house.

Lance Storm cuts a promo on why he's not boring and reads the dictionary definition until Goldbeg comes out apparently not appreciating Lance's "fancy book learnin' ". Rodney Mack however still upset that he's not really black attacks Whoopi from behind but ends up getting hit with a spear (how Ironic?...BONG.) Lance by the way runs away faster than a Canadian from armed conflict. (Happy Canada Day)

Bischoff is shown backstage talking to Kane who's wearing a black towel on his head. Kane then puts Eric in a Tazmission as Joey Styles bellows "Oh My God!".....Eric blames RVD for Kane losing his mask and says it was Rob's Idea, But who would take advice from Rob anyway? Especially during his "Lizard King" fase. Botton line here is that Kane will show his face or be fired.

First match of the evening makes Brawl for All seem like a Flair/Steamboat broadway match as the entire "Diva" roster competes in a Battle royal for the Women's title.

Women's Title Battle Royal: "Clusterfuck" doesn't do this one justice. Gail Kim makes her debut and....wrestles no differently from anyone else. yada yada yada, Jazz gets kicked hardway by some Victoria "haterizing" and Trish gets bumped out later eventually leaving Kim & Victoria. Gail goes over by headscissoring Victoria from the ring to become the new holder of the Women's prop. You know it's bad when Jackie Gayda backstage says "Man, that sucked".

Christian Vs. Booker T. for IC Title; They battle through the crowd then end up in the ring. Not a bad match but not their best work (blame it on overexposure) Christian goes for the superplex but tries to float over after the landing but Book scissors his legs and gets the pin. Bischoff comes out and says that the match is a Draw because both men's shoulders were down. I guess they're stretching this one out until Summer Slam.

RVD tries to give Kane a pep talk and says he doesn't need the mask and that the fans loved Isaac Yankem. Kane says he hates the Fans , RVD unfazed then squeezes a tube of raw cookie dough into his mouth and leaves as Kane says "I hate you too, Rob" ..Only later it was discovered that the voice was HHH's....get it?! hehe...anyhoo.

Test & Y2J Vs. Steiner & Stacy; Apparently Test forgot his pants. Steiner basically wrestled a handicap match here which is not a good idea considering Scotty and his dropfoot can't handle a regular match. Not even the broad shoulders of Jericho could carry this one but it wasn't as bad as you'd think. Eric Bischoff makes the match No DQ after restarting the bout and the stip allows Chris to clobber Steiner with a chair and Test to deliver a Meltdown on Stacy for the win.

Rico Vs. Maven; Rico is trying very hard to get his Adrian Street gimmick over but alas its not 1985 anymore and after programming your audience to accept the anal hijinx that was the Billy & Chuck wedding, what do you expect?.Comedy match that is won by Rico with a spinkick. Can a feud with "Mr. Tourettes" Goldust be far off?...One guy who compulsively yells "ass fucker!" and another who does it.

Randy Orton Vs. Tommy Dreamer's pants; They dust off Tommy for this one. The premise for this one is that TD is pissed because Orton beatdown Foley. This match was Ok but nothing to write home about. At this stage Orton needs to squash people not squeak one out. Orton hits his Cookie-Cutter on Tommy for the win, The announcers call it the RKO and expect the decaying corpse of Orson Welles to feud with the youngster over that name (If you GOT that, then you rule.)

Bishoff sends Terri and her baloon tits to find Kane. She's nervous cause he has a horseshoe, but Easy E. makes her do it or it's her job.

La Resistance Vs. The Hurricane & Spike Dudley.; Apparently Hurricane really wants to be part of the tagteam division according to JR, thats true because no one really wants to be a Single star. bleh. Standard squash here sees Team Green Frog win the the high Times En Francais on Spike. On a side note Spike Dudley will be now known as the New TNN Dudley as of next week...thanks Spike Lee.

Terri is shown looking for Kane in a boiler room but he's no where to be seen....You don't think he'd interfere in the HHH/RVD match do you?...

HHH Vs. RVD for The World Heavyweight Title; They gave this one 20 minutes. O.K. TV match that certainly didn't play to RVD'S strengths. (Mat Wrestling in a Van Dam match?) RVD seemingly has the match won until Flair interferes causing a DQ. Eric "Dusty Finish" Bischoff comes out next and makes the match a no DQ falls count anywhere match. RVD hits a Van Daminator but its broken up by Orton this time. RVD plays superman here but the law of averages catches up with him and he gets DDT'd on the ramp after taking a belt shot for the HHH win. Kane comes out and teases choke slamming RVD but instead chokeslams Bischoff off the stage before snatching the Towel from his head and revealing Night Court's Bull Shannon! that would make RVD Judge Stone"d" then...Bong. Bald and beautiful Kane gets a closeup revealing a non mascara'd face to close this show.

Honestly I didn't like this one. Nothing really captivated me outside the last 10 minutes of the Main Event. The Raw brand seems to be focusing on all the young talent but something was just missing on tonight's broadcast..oh yeah..Good Wrestling.

Highlight: The Main Event was the only thing that really brought the dead crowd alive. I'm sure right now everyone is typing on their computers that HHH went over again. But I can't say anything bad about him. He sold RVD's stuff, made Van Dam look stronger than he has in months and even had to cheat to win, (ie No Pedigree) HHH did his job tonight.

Lowlight: The Women's Battle Royal gets a Chris Von Erich on the Dead VE scale but the only thing stupider was Kane's new "look". Apparently the Big Red Machine is a modern medical miracle as in 7 days he's 100% healed! Burns are for pussies!... Using a combination of Vasoline, Skin graphing and makeup remover combined with a snazzy new haircut and he's lookin ever so slick, Kojak style. (Meow, baby)