Smackdown Report: (09/04/03)

The show opens with a recap of last weeks triple threat match between Brock, Show & Undertaker.

Haas & Benjiman Vs. A.P.A.; One question: What do they call Haas & Benjiman after they LOSE the tagteam Title? Wouldn't that in essence make their opponents the World's Greatest Tagteam?..It's like being the best man at a wedding. If he really was the best man then wouldn't the bride be marrying him?...OK pointless ramble ended. Decent match here as WGTT improves seemingly on a weekly basis. Bradshaw gets the Clothesline from Heck (Heck is where you go when you don't believe in Gosh) on Shelton but Haas breaks up the pin. Bradshaw eats a belt shot from Haas leaving him easy prey for a Shelton pinfall. Bradshaw's hair has dropped slightly on the flaming Gay-O-Meter from it's original debut but still to me I have a hard time suspending disbelief for his tough as nails character when his hairdo suggests that he's more likely to be seen wearing a feathered boa and singing a "candle in the wind".

Eddie Guerrero is shown polishing his car when a limo pulls up containing Vince, Sable and Big Show. Brock approaches Vince and asks why he hasn't returned his phone calls. After the commercial the two are now in Vince's office and Vince ends up motivating Brock by slapping him.

John Cena comes out and cuts a rap on Eddie Guerrero. He then shows footage of his assault on Guerrero last week in El Paso. Eddie comes out and lays into C-Note, but Cena grabs the belt and clocks Guerrero with it. Cena then *steals* Eddies ride and carefully pulls it out of the arena, as Eddie just stands there and watches. I haven't seen this slow a getaway since Al Cowlings in 1994. I kept expecting Cena to call in: "This is J.C., I've got O.J. in the car..."

Backstage Eddie is livid and he complains to a giant pair of Tits that he wants Cena tonight. Stephanie says he can have him next week in any match he wants. Eddie suggests a "Latino Street Fight", and how this is different than a standard Street fight I have no idea. Maybe actual Latino's will be designated legal foreign objects?..that would atleast be entertaining. Cole: "He hit him right in the ribs with that Miguel!"

Chris Benoit Vs. A-Train; This is a rematch from last week. This match is better than the previous weeks. Story here is Albert dominating Benoit but Benoit eeking out the win after a ref bump and an accidental gore on Train by Rhyno. Unfortunately for A-Train, shave your back is the only heat this guy gets, which means he's one Norelco away from the unemployment line.

A pretaped Undertaker promo is shown where Taker basically says he'll never tap out.

Similiar fare with Angle after the commercial break.

Stephanie tries to get into her office but Vince and Big Show won't let her in....Why is Steph even here? ....At this point in the show my brother said that outfit makes her look fat, I answered no, her Ass does. BONG.

Undertaker Vs. Kurt Angle; WWE Title at stake. Excellent match. Anyone who compares Undertaker to Kevin Nash and Hulk Hogan should be shot. The guy maybe political at times but he can still hustle. This match told a great story and that was submissions and counters. Undertaker sells the ankle, but still manages to pull off a Last Ride but before he can cover, Lesnar breaks up the match and beats them both down with chairs.

After the commercial Taker and Angle sell the effects of the beating from "monster" Lesnar backstage.

The Bikini contest is next, but it's pretaped. Why must WWE always give these things silly names just to pop the crow?. The Bourbon Street Bikini Contest was the same cocktease sham it always is. For the record Torrie won wearing the same boxy deal she always wears. Shaniqua beats them all down Chyna style after the match. Additional comment: Only in the WWE can you have a wet T-shirt contest wear the women wear heavy coloured shirts and only in the WWE can the Divas get beads in New Orleans for NOT showing their tits. Sometimes I'm glad Vince got fucked by The Panda.

The A.P.A. are back in business and Faarooq's cup of coffee as "Ron Simmons" is apparently over as well. Bradshaw re-opens the office and introduces his black butler Bruce that he *won* in a poker game.... Apparently Bradshaw journeyed back to the 1700's for this game.

Rey Mysterio Vs. Tajiri; Cruserweight Title at stake here. Another very good match here that was given time to develop. Back and forth match with lots of false finishes. Rey-Rey retains the Title after a top rope West Coast Pop. After the match Tajiri turns heel and sprays the green mist in Mysterio's face instead of shaking his hand.

Vince McMahon comes out with Big Show and McMahon announces that Angle will face Brock in 2 weeks in an Iron Man match. He asks Lesnar to come out but Brock is up in the sky box with Zach Gowen who is bound and tied in a wheel chair. Brock acts all psycho and continues the great evolution of his Evil character. Lesnar ends up throwing Zach Gowen wheel chair and all down a flight of stairs after informing Zach that it was a magic Wheel Chair that flies. Vince looks on in shock as the show fades out....After the show goes off the air Brock boot fucks a Mongoloid and pisses on someone with MS. ...OK that last part is bullshit.


-Very solid show in ring. Smackdown is proving to be WWE's go to Wrestling Show while RAW relies on shock value. As Verne Gagne would say: "The marquee says Wrestling...not electrocuting Testicles." ...Ok that last part is mine.

Highlight: Hands down it was Angle Vs. Undertaker. Great build and hard work by both.

Lowlight: Bikini Contest. Who cares? Honestly? If you want to jerk off to something there's a hundred other things you could be watching that has actual nudity.

Smackdown Report: (09/11/03)

Tajiri & Nunzio Vs. Rey Mysterio & Billy Kidman; The show opens with a cruiserweight Tagteam match. Tajiri gets great heat from the crowd, Apparently he got some cheap heat before the show when he put down the local sports team. But according to Cole it was because Tajiri beat down Rey-Rey last week. Yes this is more believable considering Alabama'a history of being sensitive to minorities. Very solid tagteam match here that is won clean by Tajiri & Nunzio when Tajiri ducks a 619 and hits a straight savate for the pin on Mysterio. Rey & Kidman work so well as a team that they should put the belt on Tajiri and have them concentrate on the Tag straps. unfortunately Billy's career decline can be directly attributed to the loss of his white undershirt. Oh well, if you really want to see a "wifebeater" featured prominantly on a Wrestling Show you should watch RAW..See what I did there?

Vince, Sable & The Big Suit are backstage. Stephanie comes in and bad mouths Brock calling him a liabilty. Her acting is more wooden here than Idomo furniture.Brock continues his psychotic character evolution and challenges Stephanie for tonight. Vince ponders this than says Steph either will face Brock or quit as GM. Just a question: If Vince can force Stephanie to compete in matches, then why doesn't he just fire her to save time and effort?

Torrie Wilson & Nidia are backstage. Torrie puts her differences aside with Dawn which is real big of her, considering Dawn murdered her Father through copulation (An ultimate fate I too hope for.) She tries to talk Dawn out of her match with Shaniqua but Dawn says she has to take a stand.

Shaniqua Vs. Dawn Marie; When looking at Shaniqua, she visually appears to be a bad photoshop pic. Anyhoo...This is a non match really that Linda errr Shaniqua dominates until Torrie & Nidia run in and Torrie hits a weak chairshot allowing her to pull Dawn out of harms way. Shaniqua needs to change her gimmick, No woman ever got over playing a dominant shemale who's not afraid to mix it up with the men....cough*Chyna*cough ...Well I guess that would make Shaniqua "Afryca" then...Haha.

Sable tells Steph that when Brock kills her that she'll take over as GM.

Rhyno Vs. Chris Benoit; Another well paced match. A-Train makes his obligatory "I'm big, so I'm on TV" appearence before disappearing back from wence he came. Good old school match. The end sees Rhyno attempt a gore but Benoit side stepped and forced Rhyno's momentum into a crossface and subsequent tap out.

Backstage the A.P.A. play poker with some of the boys including Matt Hardy who takes offense to how they boss their new butler Bruce around. Shannon Moore sets up the joke perfectly as he appears and is brow beaten by Hardy for bringing the wrong type of OJ (the non-murdering variety). Unfortunately all subtlety is lost on WWE and Faaroq explains the site gag just incase the Mullets core audience is watching...Oh that's right, that audience doesn't exist. All bullshit aside, this leads to a match between the APA & Team Mattitude.

John Cena Vs. Eddie Guerrero; Latino Street Fight. The U.S. Title is not on the line here. They have the cars circled in the parking lot ala Ken Shamrock & Steve Blackman from Fully Loaded'99. Good old fashion brawl here with great visuals. At one point, Cena retrieves a Lawn Mower from the back of a mini-van and attempts to murder Eddie with it. (Sweet irony..Oh how you are a harsh mistress) Both men get rammed headfirst through glass. The end comes when Eddie counters an FU attempt and Chavo re-appears and sets up Cena for an Eddie Frog Splash onto C-Note from a car roof top. Interestingly Chavo retrieves the belt and even utters "Now the U.S. Title belongs to the Guerrero's!" as he slung it over his own shoulder..This is obvious seeds of a Heel turn for Chavo.

A.P.A. Vs. Matt Hardy & a 13 year old girl. Well maybe not, but poor Shannon (even the name) gives Juvi a run for his money in the facial estrogen department. A.P.A. win a squash here when Bradshaw hits the clothesline from Hell on Moore. After the match Bruce brings them beer and they get blotto. It's just funny when you think of their evolution: "Acolyte Protection Agency: from Satanic Priests to Drunken Hicks in 12 easy steps"....Sounds like an episode of Springer.

Brock Lesnar Vs. A giant pair of Tits in a Unitard; It's a good thing Steph always brings her gear just in case. Vince introduces Brock Lesnar and says it's decision time for her. Big Steph comes out virtually poured into her outfit and kicks Brock low and does the same to Vince. She tries to bail but Brock retrieves her and looks like she's going to get the ringpost F-5 but Kurt Angle runs in and decimates Lesnar to end the show.

-Well it's just weeks away from the Triple H/Nipple H wedding and I for glad The H's is finally going to make an honest woman of her because she's been obviously pregnant for two years....BONG.

-Very good show overall and apparently on the Canadian feed they got an additional 30 minutes and were spared the Mullets and got the full Brock/Kurt Summer Slam match instead. It almost makes up for our shitty exchange rate.

Highlight: Eddie Vs. Cena; The two breakout stars of SD steal the show with a highly entertaining brawl with an actual finish. Benoit/Rhyno and the Opening Tag were solid efforts as well.

Lowlight: Shaniqua Vs. The Divas; Where this is going is not a place I wish to follow. Also Michael Cole shaved his Goatee, this is not so much a lowlight as a shock as Cole's face looks like he's in midway makeup transformation from Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes. Hehe, all that to make funny of Cole...But it was worth it.


Smackdown Report: (09/18/03)

The show starts off with the underexposed Vince McMahon hyping tonights Iron Man match. Undertaker interrupts and tells everyone he won't interfere in the Iron Man Match tonight because he has too much respect for the Title, much like he did in 2000 at Judgment day when he didn't cost The Rock the title.

Apparently, according to Cole this is Smackdown's Season Premiere which might explain why I felt like I was watching repeats all summer.

Chris Benoit & Rey Mysterio Vs. Tajiri & Rhyno; Excellent opener here which gets this can't miss night off to a good start. The end comes when Tajiri misdirects his mist (a Patterson trick originally cut from WWF's funniest moments tape in the 1980's for some reason) Rhyno takes it in the eyes and Mysterio ends up hitting a series of 619's with Benoit's assistance allowing him to drop the dime and get the pin.

Shaniqua Vs. Torrie Wilson & Nidia; Remember what I said about can't miss? Well this was the one exception "can't hit". Oh well, one pimple on an otherwise perfect ass.Thankfully they keep it short and Afryka pins Nidia with a powerbomb in this squash after throwing Torrie to the floor. Atleast Torrie looked good although I probably was the only one working stiff tonight..BONG.

Steph is backstage and is confronted by Vince, The Big Suit and the multi-talented Sable. Steph asks why Vince just doesn't Fire her-obviously channeling the thoughts of 3 million viewers...Oh she means storyline wise..damn. Vince says he wants her to quit and says he'll play rough....huh?!..Damn, now there's only one taboo left to break and I don't think anyone is going to sleep with a dead body....Hey wait..

The show clips of Angle and Lesnar and claim tonight is their third meeting and say it's a rubber match. Well the WWE's memory is apparently alot like a low income Mother with 6 kids and forgot a few "rubbers" along the way...cause I could've sworn they wrestled on Smackdown in March and at Vengeance, but what do I know?

John Cena cuts a rap from the rooftop of the arena. No word if Big Show showed him that trick on how to fall to his death and return 2 hours later to win the World Title.

Los Guerreros Vs. Haas & Benjamin; WWE Tagteam Titles at stake. Another 4 star match here or a David on the sliding dead Von Erich scale. Chavo looks like he's bulked up a little in his hiatus but didn't show much rust even dusting off that crazy tornado headscissors. Shelton gets a legclip by Chavo and rolls to the floor. Apparently Shelton is legit injured but I don't know if this was an angle to explain his coming absence or how the injury actually transpired. Haas eats a deadly double flapjack by the Guerreros that actually more resembled a modified double fisherman buster. Haas looked legit shooken up and Eddie hits the academic frog splash to bag the belts.

In a side note: look for Eddie to drop the U.S. Title to Cena maybe next week.

Brock Lesnar Vs. Kurt Angle; WWE Title on the line in an Iron Man match. Excellent match here with my only complaint being the 15 second pauses between falls that seemed to really disrupt the flow, although this was done fairly obviously to cut away to commercials without missing crucial action. Lots of stalling by Lesnar to start but hey this is a marathon match so blowing your load with high spots is not a good idea. Excellent psychology sees Lesnar sacrifice a fall via disqualification so he could pickup two himself after using an F5 and an Anklock to defeat Angle successively after using a chair.(although the aformentioned intervals did hurt it a little) Some more action passes and Lesnar goes up 3-1 with an F5 to the floor and subsequent countout. Angle eventually rebounds and gets a fall with the Angle Slam. The action continues and the Ref gets bumped which allows Lesnar to use the WWE Title to K.O. Angle and after throwing the Ref by the pants into counting position collects his 4th fall. 4-2 favour of Lesnar. Match continues on and after we take what we're told is our last commercial break, we find that Lesnar had won his 5th fall with a superplex during commercials. Lesnar eventually makes his way to the top appearing as if we'd see the infamous SSP but Angle does the running toprope throw to collect fall number 3, now making the score 5-3, advantage Lesnar; Angle eventually snares Lesnar with the anklock after multiple attempts to submit the Manster (sounds like a gay mp3 site) and finally Brock taps, making the score 5-4; Angle in the dying minutes of the match hits a series of Germans. Lesnar breaks up the carnage by lowblowing Angle but Kurt rallies and applies the anklelock again even scissoring the knee for extra leverage, Brock however holds on and the time limit expires making the final score 5-4 in favour of Lesnar and crowning Brock as the new champion;

Truly excellent TV here. If the brand extension is going to feature PPV quality TV during the odd months then I'll be a happy camper, however RAW ppv's aren't even pay-per-view quality so I'm not holding my breath for next month.

Highlight: The Iron Man, no doubt. The psychology was fantastic telling the story of Lesnar utilizing strategy as opposed to the usual catch-as-catch-can Iron Man's of the past. I'm not ready to put it in Bret/Shawn territory for no other reason than it was booked as a TV match but by Television standards it was fantastic right down to Angle's post bell final reaction.

Lowlight: Well on a near perfect show , I'd have to go with Shaniqua & Company. I'd give the duke to the McMahon interaction but atleast it was kept backstage and ended quickly..much like Grenier's initial "tryout" with Patterson- see what I did there?

Smackdown Report (09/25/03)

The show opens up with Vince and the amphibious Sable coming to the ring for a WWE Title presentation ceremony but before Brock can come out Kurt Angle comes down and demands Brock fight him. John Cena interrupts and rhymes Vagina which is always sweet. Angle beats down Cena and heads to the back in search of Lesnar but gets blindsided by Cena who hot foots it out of the arena and jumps into his truck and speeds off. Angle follows suit and commandeers Vince's limo and gives chase. Angle doesn't catch him but does empty Vince's mini fridge of all Grey Poupon...yes thats right, I'm digging up THAT stereotype again, 1993 style.

Los Guerreros Vs. Matt Hardy and a 12 year old girl; WWE Tagteam Titles at stake; Poor Chavo has lost a little grass off the old fairway since we last saw him but balding never hurt anyone's career in the WWE so all the power to him. Shannon Moore now has a wicked tattoo that temporarily distracts from his estrogen filled appearance, good smoke screen there. Solid match here sees Eddie and Chavo prevail when Chavo delivers a belly to back on Shannon and Eddie scores a Frog Splash to pin Moore. Matt Hardy assaults Eddie after the match and delivers a side effect on the U.S. Belt, hopefully setting up a feud there (Although later events would point in a less positive direction)

After the commercial Charlie Haas blindsides Chavo and puts The Haas of Pain on Eddie softening him up for their Title match later tonight.

A-Train sans Chewbacca mask comes out and he's mad. He hates that people think he can't beat Chris Benoit. He takes his frustration out on a timekeeper by placing him in the crossface. Oh No!.. Where are they going to find a replacement to hit a bell with a hammer on this short notice? I hope this doesn't hold up the show! Benoit runs in the Knight in shining armour and applies a Crossface to Albert who no sells and pitches Benoit to the floor. Yay, another Benoit Vs. Albert match.

Vince and Sable are shown making out backstage but not before Sable briefly pauses and devours a fly with her tongue.

Rey Mysterio Vs. Tajiri; Cruserweight Title on the line; Excellent match with a decent amount of time given to tell the story. Tajiri at one point gets hit by Mysterio and swallows the mist instead of spitting it in Rey's face (Patterson playbook #24). Good chain wrestling complete with near falls until the Ref gets bumped by a Tajiri kick and a second Referee slides in. While the new Ref is attending to Brian Hebner, Rey hits a standing West Coast Pop but Tajiri spits red mist into his face while Rey had him cradled and finished with a stiff kick to the head to win the Title.

Those Basham Brothers Vs. Jamie Noble & Bradshaw; Viewer discretion is advised as no scenes contain Faarooq.; Noble announces that Billy Gunn is injured and he's purchased the services of Bradshaw who usually tends to volunteer his services regardless as many rectally irregular rookies can likely attest. Not a bad match but one the crowd was apathetic towards. Bradshaw hits the Clothesline currently located in a place you go when you're naughty but "Afryka" breaks it up for the DQ. and the trio assault Bradshaw post-match.

They show a review of the Iron Man match that with all the effects was actually more entertaining then the original itself.

Eddie Guerrero Vs. The Impeccably groomed Charlie Haas; U.S. Title at stake; Big Show for some strange reason comes down and briefly sits for commentary before getting up and assaulting Eddie. This BETTER not lead to a program. Haas takes early advantage and the story here is Eddie's ribs. Haas eventually snares another "Haas of Pain" but Eddie rolls out. Charlie tries to use the U.S. Title but the Referee grabs the belt and throws it down. Eddie retrieves the title and wraps it on the turnbuckle. Haas takes a run and leaps at Eddie who ducks and Haas hits the belt face first nearly knocking off his Count Chocula eyebrows. Eddie hits the academic frog splash but sells the effects before getting the pin.

Vince and Sable arrive once more for the ceremony, and this time Brock does come out. Lesnar informs the crowd that he is the REAL Brock Lesnar as another Brock Lesnar from Demoine Iowa sits crying, saying "What does that make me?.." Undertaker breaks up the party and announces that he's the number one contender. Vince says "on who's authority?" setting up the obvious walk in by a giant pair of tits. Steph says it's on her authority. Vince asks Steph to take it back or she'll have to wrestle him at No Mercy. (I knew this was eventually coming since we all spotted Vinnie checking out her cans during her "Wedding" to Trips on RAW in early 2002) She of course refuses and Vince announces she'll face him an I Quit match. "I Quit" as in all remaining WWE Viewers turning off their TV's forever. Undertaker ends up choke slamming Brock to end the show.

-Three good matches makes a good show so I give this the thumbs up.

You know what would make Undertaker & Brock at No Mercy a better match? A Hell in a Cell!..I should be booking.

Highlight: Tajiri Vs. Rey Mysterio; Quality wrestling and a title change to boot.

Lowlight: Fat guys getting spotlight for programs no one cares about.