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![]() RAW Rant Archive September 2003
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RAW Report: The show opens with a recap of Kane
falling into a burning dumpster. My only complaint is that the collective works of Brian Gerwitz were not used as kindling
to keep the fire burning. Jerry Lawler Vs. Johnathan Coachman;
Finally they start the show with a redhot opener!..I'm of course being sarcastic. Lawler treied some Memphis Magic but unfortunately
the only thing compelling about this one was Coach's theme and how he managed to keep a baseball cap on his peanut head for
almost the entire duration of the match. The end came when Al Snow comes down and turns on Lawler in a Sunday Night Heat revolution.
This allows Coach to drop a big elbow for the *shocking* win. Terri is shown backstage asking Shane
about Kane's apparent disappearence from said dumpster. In a side note: Do they purposely turn up the A/C when Terri is in
a room? Girl's had nip-ons since Royal Rumble'96. Coach and Snow are shown celebrating
until they realize they still work on Heat. Bischoff comes in and congratulates them on an angle that makes no sense and will
draw no money. Austin interrupts and insults Coach. He then walks to the ring and takes the spotlight with him. Austin smashes up the Highlight Reel
set and makes the Dream Match of JR Vs. Coach to prove Ross isn't his boy and to prove that PPV's are worthless wastes of
money now. Jericho comes out upset that Austin destroyed the shows set. This brings out Christian who has his own issues.
Austin's solution is to make them wrestle eachother. Y2J Vs. Christian; Intercontinental
Title at stake. Crowd has a hard time getting behind either but a great match ensues despite. This was Christian's best match
this year and the two once again prove that Canadians always seem to have good matches (Except Tom McGhee) when matched up
against one another. The two jockey for an illegal rollup that Christian wins and out-cheats Jericho for the pin. Austin catches up with Shane and
asks him to leave the Arena for his own safety, but Shane O' Mac refuses. HHH is shown talking backstage and
he makes digs at Goldberg being manufactured. Goldberg confronts H's and Trips sells the intimidation. Molly Holly & Gail 'OVW' Kim
Vs. Trish Stratus and the ubiquitous Ivory.; Diva time! This one is kept relatively short and thanks to the solidness of Molly
and Ivory's always abundance of enthusiasm this one worked a little better. Trish goes for a handspring rana in the corner
but Molly blocks it and with an assist from Gail the two superbomb Trish down for the pin. They then layout Ivory who climbs
back into the blackhole from wence she came returning to the nexus of the Universe. Shane is seen backstage and is confronted
by Vince who wants to bury the hatchet. Shane comes to the ring and is followed
suit by Eric Bischoff and for a moment it looked like we'd get the much anticipated Shane/Bisch 3 -note sarcasm. Kane comes
out with a taped arm(?!) and beats down Shane and attaches jumper cables to his testicles (for once I am not kidding) Thankfully
a billion potential McMahon's are saved when RVD returns and lays out Kane with a Van Daminator and BRM does some colour. Kane is seething backstage and Bischoff
makes amends by making a Steel Cage match next week on RAW with RVD. La Resistance Vs. Rosey & Hurricane;
This is a non-title match. Not a bad match that Hurricane carried. The Master of disguise Rob Conway interferes this time
disguised as Rob Conway and clocks Hurricane with the belt to give Green Frogs the duke. After the match the Dudley's run
in and attempt to put their foes through a table but to no avail. My only question is: If Rosey & Hurricane are going
to lose anyway, then why make it non-title? I've never understood Champions winning non-title matches. Maven gets berated backstage by Orton
and Ric Flair in reference to Maven,HBK & Goldberg Vs. Evolution tonight. After The commercials HBK gives Maven
a pep talk not before reminding him that one day Maven will be asked to sell Shawn's top rope elbow and "you better not Fuck
it up!!" He then asks Maven to get advice from Vader..If you can find him.... Haha, rambling inside reference of the week! Mark Henry, Rodney Mack & Teddy
Long are backstage and angry with Stone Cold for being bumped. However no one cares and Long in his suit return to the Turtle
Club. Test and Stacy converse backstage.
She doesn't trust him but he swears he's changed. Stacy & Test Vs. Steven Richards
& Victoria; No DQ; Test of course turns on Stacy to humiliate her but after a mistimed Booooot! by Test onto Victoria
and the ominpresent acid wash pants of Big Poppa Pump slide in to take out Test. Stacy then makes an academic cover on Victoria
for the win. The only thing that saved this one were the facials of Steven Richards who hilariously gave a big thumbs up to
the crowd when he had Stacy bent over in the pump handle slam position. Evolution Vs. Goldberg,HBK &
Maven; A Christian, a Jew and a Black guy walk into a bar..Oh you've heard this joke?...The story here besides the form fitting
clam diggers of Trip's is Goldberg build to be tagged in. HBK worked the bulk of the match which was a formulatic sixman but
one that worked none the less. The crowd was hot for Goldgberg and exploded when he tagged in and destroyed everyone in sight.
HHH avoids a spear but sacrificial lamb Randy Orton eats the Goldberg combo for the squash. H's and Goldberg have a staredown
after the match to close the show. -Well this was what it was. It set
the stage for Unforgiven but unfortunately that stage includes Jim Ross and Coach. It's funny that audiences reject Coach
in droves as a commentator and the WWE's answer is to give him more airtime. Vince needs to stop journeying to the Bizzarro
World for booking meetings. Highlight: Y2J Vs. Christian; Extremely solid performance by both men. I'd love
to see these two in a program just for the unique possiblities. (I myself marked out for Shawn Michaels Vs. Rick Martel's
feud in 1992 too for much the same reasons) Also Kudos on booking Goldberg as a monster...finally. Lowlight: The payoff to Kane falling into the dumpster. You fall into a dumpster
engulfed in flames and you got a gauzed arm? What does WWE feed its employees that allow them to survive near death experiences
with little to no bodily harm enduced? RAW Report Before I get into the Rant, I have
to comment on the new "Spike TV" show Joe Schmo. I loved it. Anyone who knows me knows of my disdain for reality TV, but that
guy Matt is a fucking star. I don't usually recommend programming on the former "Grinnin' & Shuckin' Network" but I do
for this show if not only for the blatant everymaness (is that a word?) of Joe Schmo himself. Raw opens up with a Steel Cage match
in an attempt to drag bewildered NFL fans away from 2nd qurter Football action. This match was more solid than their Summer
Slam effort. They did the cage spot from St. Valentines Day Massacre'99 where RVD is thrown against the cage with it breaking
and Rob falling to the floor and seemingly winning the match. Eric Bischoff however makes an appearence and negates the decision
and the match continues. In a Wrestling Faux pas however Rob is caught blading himself on camera. It wasn't Hulk Hogan 1999
standards but noticeable none the less. After the commercial break we're back in the cage and Kane eventually finishes Rob
with a top rope chokeslam. After the match Eric Bischoff announces
Kane Vs. Shane for Unforgiven. Great. Kane defeats RVD and now has to face Shane, a pudgy non-wrestler? Don't get me wrong,
I like Shane, but this does alot of damage to RVD's remaining shreds of credibility. Bischoff announces that the workrate
classic that was to be JR & Coach is now a Tagteam match featuriung Lawler & Al "I guess I'm not a loveable Dad type
anymore" Snow for RAW's announcing duties. He also makes Goldberg & Trips faceoff with mystery partners tonight. Lance Storm Vs. Rico; Lance Storm
is not boring now apparently. Well someone should have told Ross & Lawler who were too busy putting over their angle to
call this match. Short but energetic match that sees Lance win with a top rope dropkick on Rico after kissing Jackie Gayda.
The best part was Lance doing the "cabbage patch" after the match. HHH is backstage and asks Bischoff
who his mystery partner is, but Da Bisch is not forthcoming. Trish Stratus & Jackie Vs. Molly
Holly & Gail Kim; It's time for the interchangeable Divas match! They dust off Jacqueline for this one. This one is decent
when Molly and Jacqueline are in. Trish takes a scary fall to the outside after being pitched by both Kim & Molly. Kim
scores the pin. State of The RAW Address is next.
Austin makes Goldberg Vs. The H's a match where the Title can now change on DQ's and countouts. Christian interrupts and demands
an apology. He also demands that he replace the Highlight Reel with the "Peep Show". This brings out Jericho who gets a face
reaction beating down Christian but gets his heat back when he confronts Stone Cold. They do the house show spot where they
share a beer but when Y2J pats Austin on the back he takes it as provacation and stuns Jericho. Basically a 20 minute segment
to appease the ego of their biggest non-wrestling star. Spike,Bubba, D-Von & Rosey &
Hurricane Vs. Mark Henry, Rodney Mack, Rob Conway & La Resistance In a 10 man clusterfuck; This one is a big fucking mess
from the word go. Big Mizark apparently hurts his knee early and we don't see him until the end when he powerslams Bubba for
the nonsensical win. After The Match the Green Frogs try to double choke slam Spike from the ring but they drop him short
and he smashes his head on the edge of the table. If Patterson wasn't balls deep in these two they'd be unemployed. Bischoff makes a 6 man Tables match
at the PPV featuring The Duds against Team "Shhh.. we're really Canadians" HHH finally makes a new star. Unfortunately
it's a bottle of YJ Stinger he puts over. I have a feeling this may become the new "Surge" ala WCW. Live from Stamford (and definately
not backstage in a designated interview area) is Shane McMahon. Eric commandeers the interview and informs Shane that he'll
face Kane in a Last Man Standing match. Gail Kim & Molly vow backstage
to end Trish Stratus' career next week. Maybe the plan is to put her in a match Broadway with Gail & Jackie Gayda?..That'd
do it for sure. Scott Steiner Vs. Steven Richards.
Test and Stacy sit at ringside. Test interferes and delivewrs a full nelson slam but Steiner recovers and hits the big juicing
flatliner for the quick win. After the match Steiner and a mouth full of marbles challenges Test for a rematch with Stacy
on the line. Test agrees but if he wins Steiner becomes his bitch..huh?... Just what your horndog 14 year old audience wants:
Homerotic escapades! For the record next time I'm playing Basketball with Jason, I'm going to demand he put his girlfriend
up for grabs....If only the real World were like the WWE. Al Snow & Coach are out and "hilarity"
ensues as they show JR's head on different photos. A billion dollar company (wink*wink) and they can't even get good photo
shop. The segment ends with JR & Lawler hitting the ring. Ross delivers a picture perfect standing frankensteiner- Just
kidding. By the way the strange silence you hear at the PPV won't be the lack of commentators for this match but the crowd's
reaction to it. HHH & Ric Flair Vs. Goldberg
& Randy Orton; The mystery partners were very predictable considering there was no Evolution all show and there was no
one really left on the roster as HBK was busy trying to convert the eyebrows of Maven to the ways of our Lord and Nash is
still on the set of The Punisher praying that no one finds out he really isn't in the movie. Anyway, this whole thing is a
ruse and Evolution pulverizes Whoopi. Goldberg fights but not before eating a nasty chair shot by Trips. HHH's battle-weary
Steph Hammer prevents him from hitting a proper Pedigree but the show closes with Evolution and the omnipresent clam diggers
of HHH standing triumphant over the bloody body of Goldberg as we fade out. -Well that was what it was. And I'm
not totally sure what that is. Nothing was terrible but their was so much non-wrestling content here and not one standout
match. Highlight: By virtue of elimination, The Cage match
gets the win, but that's like winning an ugly contest. Even when you win, you really lose. Lowlight: The 10 Man clusterfuck and Mark Henry who apparently gets paid by
the pound. If he did get his salary on a workrate basis, you'd likely find ol' Mizark sleeping under a park bench. Raw Report (09/15/03) The show opens up with Chris Jericho
and Christian coming to the ring protesting Steve Austin. They want him fired. This of course brings out Steve who continues
to be booked as the strongest babyface although never being able to wrestle. The bottom line here is that Christian demands
a match at the pay-per-view and Austin makes Jericho against RVD for the right to job in the opening match of the ppv this
Sunday against Christian. RVD Vs. Y2J; A little sloppier than
usual as maybe Rob was hitting the ol' dime bag before his entrance and was a little askew. Christian remains at ringside
for this one not setting up a predictable run-in finish. Ref gets bumped and both RVD & Chris block each other's finishes
with knees. Christian slides in and clocks both men with the Intercontinental belt to take the match on a one way trip to
shmazzville. Austin is upset and in turn makes
Christian Vs. RVD Vs. Jericho at the pay-per-view; They show a clip of Goldberg destroying
Hulk Hogan in 1998 for the WCW Title. Surprisingly no footage of H's pinning Goldberg was shown following so everything is
as it should be so far. Spike Dudley Vs. Rob Conway; Spike
comes out wearing a neck brace that was only missing the bold letters reading: "WORKED INJURY". Does anyone buy this kind
of stuff anymore? I think after a human being gets thrown into a flaming dumpster and survives none the worse, all suspension
of disbelief for anything else is completely gone. Conway gets a quick Rude Awakening-esque neckbreaker for the blink or you'll
miss it win. Conway power bombs Spike through a table afterward. I myself have a hard time buying into Conway, maybe it's
that Gary Senise white bread look, I don't know. No truth to the rumours that he sweats milk though. Coach, Al Snow & Da Bisch are
backstage talking about the dream tagteam match with King & JR at the ppv when Eric is told that there are two half naked
women in his office. That's cock tease code for Mae Young! Eric walks into his office and Mae
and Moolah are there. Moolah says she's celebrating her 80th birthday and is here to wrestle much the same way my grandmother
spent hers. Unfortunately the only thing that people that age wrestle with is constitution, prune juice and a successful journey
to the commode. Fabulous Moolah Vs. Victoria; Moolah
gets a quick ginger rollup and gets her sympathy win. She flexes her 24 inch pythons after the match..unfortunately her biceps
are upside down. Victoria assaults both Moolah and Mae until Randy Orton runs in and stops the onslaught before dropping Moolah
himself with a "cookie-cutter" after informing her that he is a Legend Killer. We in Canada get the patented crowd shot footage.
Isn't that nice that they fly those same fans in every week just incase there's male on female violence? 2nd Goldberg promo shows him jackhammer
Big Show from his WCW days. Goldust & Lance Storm Vs. Rodney
Mack and Mark Henry; Rap music makes Lance Storm Interesting! That's the solution! Unfortunately Mack & Mizark come out
to a similar generic theme so all is lost. Storm dominates Mack and makes a hot tag to Goldust and mack to Henry as Mizark
squashes Dust in about 30 seconds with a powerslam they dubbed "World's Strongest Slam" or as I call "The move Cornette will
rename when he's back in OVW in 4 weeks". Well that decision made alot of sense. Build up Lance & Dust and feed them to
Henry (no pun intended). Flair, The H's and Randy Orton are
backstage conversing. Orton says he'll catch up with them later. Orton passes a pair of eyebrows in the hall then runs into
HBK who lays God's wrath on the heathen Orton by slapping him in the face. The Hurricane is shown showing Rosey
how to fly. Rosey instead takes a cab as hilarity ensues. Terri catches up with Gail Kim and
Molly. They say their going to end Trish Stratus' career tonight. In a side note: Boy has Terri gotten old fast. She's got
porn face without really putting in the effort. Maybe fucking Zenk & Rude in the early 90's took 10 years off her life.
Anyhoo. Eric Bischoff comes out for the contract
signing for Shane & Kane for their last man Standing match. Eric makes them both sign a contract that prevents either
man from suing the WWE incase of injury. Is there really a chance Shane would sue himself though? Shane assaults Kane hitting
him low several times and ends up putting him through a table with the big elbow to the arena floor. And incase your counting:
Shane=Superman and RVD=Pussy... Fucking WWE. Goldberg promo number three is shown
as Rock is shown being decimated by Da Man. Apparently Goldberg's WCW run only lasted 2 months. Trish Stratus Vs. Molly Holly &
Gail Kim; This is a handi-cap match; A very solid match actually that saw Trish work her ass off. Eventually the doubleteaming
from both women is too difficult to fight off (as it is with me on a nightly basis) and Trish succumbs to Molly and her Molly
go round. (new name please). Both Molly & Gail destroy Trish post match until Lita returns and fights off both women.
Lita has a new look that can be best described as Daisy Duke's very sleazy cousin from the city. Austin makes a tagteam match with
Lita & Trish Vs. Molly & Gail at the PPV as Gail says she slept with the wrong man and Sylvan Grenier is said to shed
a single tear truly knowing her plight. Al Snow & Coach come out dressed
as King & JR and call the next match as JR & King's headsets are turned off. Val Venis Vs. Test; Test berates
Stacy and makes her stay on the floor. Scott Steiner and a disturbingly snug pair of army pants makes his way down the aisle
and Stacy gets her revenge as she gives Val an assist allowing Val to hit Rock Bottom variation #3000 on Test for the win.
Steiner comes in and dishes out some roid rage until Test bails with Stacy in tow. Jerry Lawler comes to the ring and
challenges Al Snow to a match. Coach joins JR in the booth. Jerry Lawler Vs. Al Snow; JR and
Coach trade insults with Ross even referring to Coach as "Boy" which would be offensive if Coachman was really black. Lawler
ends up winning with a rollup. What do you get when you take away Lawler's piledriver? A flabby old man. Coincidentally the
answer is similar even with the piledriver. Coach lays out JR from behind and is out like a light....That he sells? I guess
Fire and cinder blocks exploding on skulls isn't believable enough. The rundown the card and I beat my
head against my coffee table. HHH, Orton & Flair are about
to come out for the Goldberg going away party but Austin makes nonsensical appearance # 200 and says H's is going to the party
alone. (wow, Prom Night flashback) HHH comes to the ring not wearing
his orthopedic clam diggers but instead a not at all gay Salmon shirt. Business casual Trips cuts a promo on Goldberg until
his mic cuts out. Triple H makes a dig saying that it must be Goldberg's microphone because it can't work. Balloons fall from
the rafters (and not wrestlers) and H's unveils his present for Whoopi. A portrait of Goldberg bloodied from last week. Goldberg
then appears on the Titan Tron and comes out and beats down the H's with a gorilla press power slam combo and Trips crawls
out of the ring to end the show. -Well WWE never fails to deliver.....a
truly shitty pre-ppv show. This as usual did nothing to make me want to buy this pay-per-view, but maybe that's the point.
Only the hardcore audience remains and they're going no where. Highlight: Lowlight: RAW Report: (09/22/03) The show opens up with Lilian Garcia
putting over wounded and crippled soldiers at ringside. No sign of Brock Lesnar, so I think things will be fine. Coach and Al Snow come out to call
RAW. Goldberg comes to the ring and says
he did what he said he was going to do and won the World Title. Steve Austin then comes out and acts as oxygen to Bill's fire
and steals all the heat. He congratulates Goldberg and they drink beer together. How sweet. This of course brings Eric Bischoff
to the ring and Eric states he created Goldberg not Vince. Whoopi responds by spearing Da Bisch. All I know is I can't wait
for this bad ass against smarmy authority figure angle to unfold. Fresh ideas like this will no doubt bring business back...oh
wait. RVD Vs. Christian; Intercontinental
Title on the line; Rob brought his working boots tonight. They may smell like potatoes but they're tied up and rarin' to go.
Both men blow away their previous encounter and deliver a credible match that sees Christian get himself disqualified by nailing
RVD with the belt. Christian adds insult to injury by pulling out a ladder and delivering his own version of a frog splash
after the match. Y2J is backstage and coaxes Bischoff
into giving him a World Title shot tonight, with Eric himself as Referee. The very exciting tandem of Garrison
Cade and Mark Jindrak come out and before they can debut their new team name of "Two generic guys with forgettable names"
Evolution beats them down. HHH cuts a promo on Goldberg and how he'll be champion again. H's is wearing dark shades and somewhere
behind the arena there's an unconscious blind guy. H's however neglected to bring the cup of pencils and organ monkey with
him to ringside. Tommy Dreamer Vs. Barry White; Barry
looks pretty healthy for a guy 4 months expired. Tommy gets his patented ECW-lite throwback offense in before Mark Henry beats
him with a powerslam. Teddy Long says he may run for president, for now he'll have to be satisfied with being president of
the Turtle Club. Evolution have a confrontation with
Maven, Cade & Jindrak. It doesn't take a Rocket Scientist (who by the way love Wrestling) to figure out that this trio
is going to end up being Orton's Faux Horsemen when he inevitably breaks away from Trips and Naitch; We see Lita and Trish walking backstage
but not before we audibly hear a production guy say something about "Worst Case Scenario". Damn, maybe it's Ebola. Someone
check that organ monkey in H's locker room. Steve Austin sans outbreak protective suit interrupts a conversation between Christian
and Y2J. He makes a ladder match for next week with RVD for Christian, and informs Jericho that Ross Vs. Coach will take place
in a viewers must commit suicide match. Molly Holly & Gail Kim Vs. Trish
Stratus & Lita; These four once again deliver and I'm starting to wonder if Fit Finlay threatened to put car bombs under
their cars unless they shaped up. Good match here that sees Lita pin Gail after a Twist of Fate. For the record I have this
sneaking feeling that Lita's not really spanish, call it a hunch. Test, Scott Steiner & Stacy interact
backstage. Test demand that Scott carry his luggage which is apropos considering that's what people like Jericho have had
to do to him. Shane is at a "hospital" when Kane
in full gear shows up and assaults him even taking a packet of hemogloben and smushing it on Shane's face (probably not the
best way to promote Red Cross. "Blood it's in you to give...So wrestlers can use it as sight gags" Rob Conway & Rene Dupree Vs.
Hurricane & Rosey; Grenier is at ringside. The S.H.I.T. is really flying here and Hurricane and Rosey actually work well
as a team finishing Rob Conway with a Samoan drop neckbreaker combo. The Dudley's inexplicably come and hug the military guys
at ringiside. Ok we get it. Why not send Terri out to give them all handjobs too? Evolution Vs. Cade, Jindrak and a
Pair of Eyebrows; Maven who has now eclipsed Sesame Street's Bert as eyebrow standard bearer actually held his team together.
How do you like your dropkicks? Well you better because that's all this trio has. HHH mercifully ends this one with a pedigree
to Maven and Flair gets put on top for the pin. For the record there are rumours that Cade and Jindrak have tattoo's reading
"If lost please return to 1986" HHH cuts a promo afterward stating
we need him more than he needs us... We love you too. Rock is being interviewed by professional
Wrestling barnicle Mark Lloyd. Standard Rockisms abound, Assholes and monkey nipples. Goldberg Vs. Y2J; World Heavyweight
Title at stake; Jericho once again walks on water and pulls a respectable match out of Goldberg. Goldberg sells the shoulder
after missing a spear and crashing into the steel stairs. The Ref gets bumped and Eric Bischoff who was "Outside Referee"
(way to program your fans to know that nothing is going to happen until the 2nd Referee comes in.) slides in and tries a count
but Bill kicks out. Jericho low blows Goldberg and Eric is primed to count again when Austin runs out and assaults Bischoff
(I thought he had to be provoked?) The distraction allows Goldberg to spear Jericho and hit a "Jack Hammer" for the win. -Dcent show with nothing truly bad.
And atleast it progressed the angles. Highlight: Christian Vs. RVD; RVD seemed to be working extra hard tonight and
the two had a cohesive match. Goldberg and Jericho match served it's purpose as well. Lowlight: Evolution and OVW crew. This heatless match seemed to drag on forever
and it wasn't so much bad as it was uninteresting. Putting on longwinded matches for the sake of setting up an angle that
no one really cares about is not worth our time. Raw Report: (09/29/03 The show opens with Lilian Garcia introducing RAW announcers Al Snow
& Johnathan Coachman to a chorus of boos. Jericho comes out wearing pants louder than that old woman from the
Wendy's commercials in the 80's. Eric Bischoff follows suit and we have a Highlight Reel. Jim Ross is announced as the guest
and it's also announced that Steve Austin is "suspended" so that definitely means he'll be here. Jericho ends up attacking
JR and putting him in the walls. He taps out (which to me is always funny outside of an actual match setting. When I get my
assed kicked in a fight I tend to not pound the ground hoping to signal mercy from my attacker) Austin of course hits the
ring and the heels flee. Security guys and definitely not local indy workers try to remove Austin from the ring but get attacked
by Stone Cold for their trouble. After the commercial, Austin is inexplicably in the parking lot and
several cops block the entrance. The Dudley Boyz Vs. Test & Scott Steiner; World tagteam titles
at stake; as part of Steiner's white slavery agreement he's forced to tag with Test who pretty much works 99% of the match
until Stacy hits Test with a chair shot feeding him into a 3D from the Dudz for the win. After the match Steiner turns on
Stacy and gives her a belly to belly. Probably not the best way to break up with your girlfriend but effective none the less.
Btw, TSN must have a Canadian bias because Steiner's assault went unedited, unlike Test who's best of clips are various crowd
shots on this network. We are told after the break that Trip's has a major announcement later.
Perhaps he'll announce that he's the proud father of a 45 pound baby boy (I'm convinced that Steph has been pregnant for two
years.) Kane comes out sans shirt. (Diva's follow suit please) and says that
his feud with Shane is far from over. The Hurricane comes out and reminds Kane of when they won the Tagteam Titles last year.
Kane says Hurricane represents everything he hates about himself. Kane then goes to challenge a young kid in the crowd who's
wearing a Hurricane mask. Hurricane comes to the kids aid and gets manhandled for his trouble. This brings in Rosey who comes
to Hurricane's aid and the duo double clothesline the BRM out of the ring. For the record my team name for this duo is "S.H.I.T.
Storm"...See this is why I get paid the big bucks..Ok, not really. We see Maven's eyebrows, Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak backstage playing
a video game. The WWE apparently gave Cade & Jindrak a personality transplant but I feel that their bodies may reject
it. La Resistance come in and insult the trio and Cade makes a reference about World War 2 that I doubt 90% of the under 15
viewing audience would even know about. This hilarity sets up some OVW carnage next. Maven,Cade & Jindrak Vs. La Rez and a very angry Gary Senise; This
is a vehicle to get over Maven & the boys for the bigger better things that lay ahead. That vehicle in question is likely
a AMC Gremlin for the record. Dupree & Conway work the bulk of this match as Greiner just sits pretty nursing his neck
and skinned knees too wink*wink. Cade and Jindrak finish Conway with a Hart Attack/dropkick combo That I officially dub the
No-Heat seeking missile. Austin is out in the parking lot and gets greeted by RVD who thanks
him for making the IC title ladder match tonight. A tall guy with a crew cut (insert OVW name here) then introduces himself
to Steve and said he bought a ticket just see Stone Cold. Hey, Why doesn't he just give Stonecold HIS ticket?.......hmmmm. HHH is live from via "Satellite" and says basically that he'll pay
anyone $100,000 to mame Goldberg. I'm just waiting for some rube redneck to not think it's a work and attempt to "Kill Bill"...not
a Tarantino plug btw. Coach Vs. Jim Ross in a Country Whupin' match.; Am I the only one a
little embarrassed to see a fat guy with a cowboy hat whipping a shirtless black man with a leather belt? Kunta Kinte just
rolled over in his grave. This was the Sportz Entertainment portion of the evening so all high standards are out the window
faster than a wall Street banker in the 1930's. Ross ends up winning this abortion with his version of a Stunner which at
the very least was sold from Coach like he was being launched from a circus cannon. JR gets the pin and King's music hits
instantly (as if it was already cued!) and Austin appears and has a ticket and climbs the guard rail because WWE always approves
of it's fans doing that. For the record Jericho who was on commentary for this one, pretty much
blew away all four men. Terri who loses all appeal when she opens her mouth interviews Lita
who apparently has a book out. I love it when people release Autobiographies before they've really accomplished anything (See
The Rock 1999). Lita rambles on and unfortunately hanging out with Matt has done very little for her promos, as I suggest
the only thing to rub off on her maybe some Hardy DNA....BONG. (hey I'm entitled to one crude sexual reference per Rant) Gail
Kim & Molly Holly interrupt and Trish runs in for the save but Victoria also intervenes and lays her out with the Widow's
peak. Molly & Gail double DDT Lita as well as I think to myself: " I haven't seen this many women laying in an uncomfortable
heap since Jason's infamous 21'st Birthday party a couple years ago." Kane Vs. The Hurricane; Hurricane takes the offense early hitting a
insane senton off the top rope to Kane who is on the floor. Sparkly Magician inside but Kane no sells and quickly squashes
Gregory with a Chokeslam. Mark Lloyd interviews Goldberg backstage and Goldberg insists he's
not worried about the bounty. Steven Richards assaults Whoopi from behind but gets destroyed in short order. Goldberg & HBK Vs. Ric Flair & Randy Orton; HBK is wearing
a not at all offensive T-shirt with a Jesus fish on it with the letters HBK written inside. If Michaels attempts to die for
my sins next week I think I may be offended as a Christian. Team Jehova dominates this one and Goldberg looks to end this
one by Jackhammer on Flair when Rodney Mack of all people attack Goldberg with a chair drawing the DQ. Mark Henry also decimates
HBK on the floor. I'll readily admit that I'm no fan of who HBK was as a person but as a performer he SHOULD NOT be selling
for Mizark Henry. HBK's worth is in putting over the right people not ALL PEOPLE. Everyone's momentum was sacrificed here
to set up a visual of Goldberg jack hammering a 400 pound man next week. Christian is shown backstage and apparently Kevin Dunn should stop
doing blow before 11:00 pm because another audible mistake is heard this week, with this time the director telling Christian
to redo the scene again. RVD Vs. Christian; Ladder match, Intercontinental Title at stake. I
went on record stating that RVD & Christian finally got on the same page with their effort last week, and this week they
took it up a notch, putting on the most exciting RAW main event in a long time. Both men take crazy bumps and deliver some
original spots too, something seldom seen in this sort of environment. RVD and Christian end up fighting on the ladder and
it tips over and Christian crumples to the mat. However RVD sprung to a second ladder that was set up in the corner and crushed
Christian with a huge 5 Star frog splash. RVD recovers and places the Ladder over Christian so in essence he's pinned under
the bottom rung as Rob scales the ladder grabbing the IC belt to become a 4 time Champion to close the show. I have to give this show a thumbs up for no other reason than the Main
Event. The bounty on Goldberg's head will also make for some interesting WCW like squashes so atleast the company has a plan.
For the record: Expect Orton to grab the IC title on the RAW prior to SD's PPV...just a prediction. Highlight:
RVD Vs. Christian; Innovative match that the crowd was way into. What more can you want. Lowlight:
As easy as it was to bury JR & Coach, we all expected what it was so I'll go with Mark Henry's push instead. Building
a match around a squash TV match (Goldberg & Henry) is not good booking, especially if two of those people are Flair &
Michaels who should be used more smartly to enhance the right talent. And also, Randy Orton has been anything but "pushed"
since his win against Michaels at Unforgiven |
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