RAW Report: (09/01/03)

The show opens with a recap of Kane falling into a burning dumpster. My only complaint is that the collective works of Brian Gerwitz were not used as kindling to keep the fire burning.

Jerry Lawler Vs. Johnathan Coachman; Finally they start the show with a redhot opener!..I'm of course being sarcastic. Lawler treied some Memphis Magic but unfortunately the only thing compelling about this one was Coach's theme and how he managed to keep a baseball cap on his peanut head for almost the entire duration of the match. The end came when Al Snow comes down and turns on Lawler in a Sunday Night Heat revolution. This allows Coach to drop a big elbow for the *shocking* win.

Terri is shown backstage asking Shane about Kane's apparent disappearence from said dumpster. In a side note: Do they purposely turn up the A/C when Terri is in a room? Girl's had nip-ons since Royal Rumble'96.

Coach and Snow are shown celebrating until they realize they still work on Heat. Bischoff comes in and congratulates them on an angle that makes no sense and will draw no money. Austin interrupts and insults Coach. He then walks to the ring and takes the spotlight with him.

Austin smashes up the Highlight Reel set and makes the Dream Match of JR Vs. Coach to prove Ross isn't his boy and to prove that PPV's are worthless wastes of money now. Jericho comes out upset that Austin destroyed the shows set. This brings out Christian who has his own issues. Austin's solution is to make them wrestle eachother.

Y2J Vs. Christian; Intercontinental Title at stake. Crowd has a hard time getting behind either but a great match ensues despite. This was Christian's best match this year and the two once again prove that Canadians always seem to have good matches (Except Tom McGhee) when matched up against one another. The two jockey for an illegal rollup that Christian wins and out-cheats Jericho for the pin.

Austin catches up with Shane and asks him to leave the Arena for his own safety, but Shane O' Mac refuses.

HHH is shown talking backstage and he makes digs at Goldberg being manufactured. Goldberg confronts H's and Trips sells the intimidation.

Molly Holly & Gail 'OVW' Kim Vs. Trish Stratus and the ubiquitous Ivory.; Diva time! This one is kept relatively short and thanks to the solidness of Molly and Ivory's always abundance of enthusiasm this one worked a little better. Trish goes for a handspring rana in the corner but Molly blocks it and with an assist from Gail the two superbomb Trish down for the pin. They then layout Ivory who climbs back into the blackhole from wence she came returning to the nexus of the Universe.

Shane is seen backstage and is confronted by Vince who wants to bury the hatchet.

Shane comes to the ring and is followed suit by Eric Bischoff and for a moment it looked like we'd get the much anticipated Shane/Bisch 3 -note sarcasm. Kane comes out with a taped arm(?!) and beats down Shane and attaches jumper cables to his testicles (for once I am not kidding) Thankfully a billion potential McMahon's are saved when RVD returns and lays out Kane with a Van Daminator and BRM does some colour.

Kane is seething backstage and Bischoff makes amends by making a Steel Cage match next week on RAW with RVD.

La Resistance Vs. Rosey & Hurricane; This is a non-title match. Not a bad match that Hurricane carried. The Master of disguise Rob Conway interferes this time disguised as Rob Conway and clocks Hurricane with the belt to give Green Frogs the duke. After the match the Dudley's run in and attempt to put their foes through a table but to no avail. My only question is: If Rosey & Hurricane are going to lose anyway, then why make it non-title? I've never understood Champions winning non-title matches.

Maven gets berated backstage by Orton and Ric Flair in reference to Maven,HBK & Goldberg Vs. Evolution tonight.

After The commercials HBK gives Maven a pep talk not before reminding him that one day Maven will be asked to sell Shawn's top rope elbow and "you better not Fuck it up!!" He then asks Maven to get advice from Vader..If you can find him.... Haha, rambling inside reference of the week!

Mark Henry, Rodney Mack & Teddy Long are backstage and angry with Stone Cold for being bumped. However no one cares and Long in his suit return to the Turtle Club.

Test and Stacy converse backstage. She doesn't trust him but he swears he's changed.

Stacy & Test Vs. Steven Richards & Victoria; No DQ; Test of course turns on Stacy to humiliate her but after a mistimed Booooot! by Test onto Victoria and the ominpresent acid wash pants of Big Poppa Pump slide in to take out Test. Stacy then makes an academic cover on Victoria for the win. The only thing that saved this one were the facials of Steven Richards who hilariously gave a big thumbs up to the crowd when he had Stacy bent over in the pump handle slam position.

Evolution Vs. Goldberg,HBK & Maven; A Christian, a Jew and a Black guy walk into a bar..Oh you've heard this joke?...The story here besides the form fitting clam diggers of Trip's is Goldberg build to be tagged in. HBK worked the bulk of the match which was a formulatic sixman but one that worked none the less. The crowd was hot for Goldgberg and exploded when he tagged in and destroyed everyone in sight. HHH avoids a spear but sacrificial lamb Randy Orton eats the Goldberg combo for the squash. H's and Goldberg have a staredown after the match to close the show.

-Well this was what it was. It set the stage for Unforgiven but unfortunately that stage includes Jim Ross and Coach. It's funny that audiences reject Coach in droves as a commentator and the WWE's answer is to give him more airtime. Vince needs to stop journeying to the Bizzarro World for booking meetings.

Highlight: Y2J Vs. Christian; Extremely solid performance by both men. I'd love to see these two in a program just for the unique possiblities. (I myself marked out for Shawn Michaels Vs. Rick Martel's feud in 1992 too for much the same reasons) Also Kudos on booking Goldberg as a monster...finally.

Lowlight: The payoff to Kane falling into the dumpster. You fall into a dumpster engulfed in flames and you got a gauzed arm? What does WWE feed its employees that allow them to survive near death experiences with little to no bodily harm enduced?

RAW Report (09/08/03)

Before I get into the Rant, I have to comment on the new "Spike TV" show Joe Schmo. I loved it. Anyone who knows me knows of my disdain for reality TV, but that guy Matt is a fucking star. I don't usually recommend programming on the former "Grinnin' & Shuckin' Network" but I do for this show if not only for the blatant everymaness (is that a word?) of Joe Schmo himself.

Raw opens up with a Steel Cage match in an attempt to drag bewildered NFL fans away from 2nd qurter Football action. This match was more solid than their Summer Slam effort. They did the cage spot from St. Valentines Day Massacre'99 where RVD is thrown against the cage with it breaking and Rob falling to the floor and seemingly winning the match. Eric Bischoff however makes an appearence and negates the decision and the match continues. In a Wrestling Faux pas however Rob is caught blading himself on camera. It wasn't Hulk Hogan 1999 standards but noticeable none the less. After the commercial break we're back in the cage and Kane eventually finishes Rob with a top rope chokeslam.

After the match Eric Bischoff announces Kane Vs. Shane for Unforgiven. Great. Kane defeats RVD and now has to face Shane, a pudgy non-wrestler? Don't get me wrong, I like Shane, but this does alot of damage to RVD's remaining shreds of credibility. Bischoff announces that the workrate classic that was to be JR & Coach is now a Tagteam match featuriung Lawler & Al "I guess I'm not a loveable Dad type anymore" Snow for RAW's announcing duties. He also makes Goldberg & Trips faceoff with mystery partners tonight.

Lance Storm Vs. Rico; Lance Storm is not boring now apparently. Well someone should have told Ross & Lawler who were too busy putting over their angle to call this match. Short but energetic match that sees Lance win with a top rope dropkick on Rico after kissing Jackie Gayda. The best part was Lance doing the "cabbage patch" after the match.

HHH is backstage and asks Bischoff who his mystery partner is, but Da Bisch is not forthcoming.

Trish Stratus & Jackie Vs. Molly Holly & Gail Kim; It's time for the interchangeable Divas match! They dust off Jacqueline for this one. This one is decent when Molly and Jacqueline are in. Trish takes a scary fall to the outside after being pitched by both Kim & Molly. Kim scores the pin.

State of The RAW Address is next. Austin makes Goldberg Vs. The H's a match where the Title can now change on DQ's and countouts. Christian interrupts and demands an apology. He also demands that he replace the Highlight Reel with the "Peep Show". This brings out Jericho who gets a face reaction beating down Christian but gets his heat back when he confronts Stone Cold. They do the house show spot where they share a beer but when Y2J pats Austin on the back he takes it as provacation and stuns Jericho. Basically a 20 minute segment to appease the ego of their biggest non-wrestling star.

Spike,Bubba, D-Von & Rosey & Hurricane Vs. Mark Henry, Rodney Mack, Rob Conway & La Resistance In a 10 man clusterfuck; This one is a big fucking mess from the word go. Big Mizark apparently hurts his knee early and we don't see him until the end when he powerslams Bubba for the nonsensical win. After The Match the Green Frogs try to double choke slam Spike from the ring but they drop him short and he smashes his head on the edge of the table. If Patterson wasn't balls deep in these two they'd be unemployed.

Bischoff makes a 6 man Tables match at the PPV featuring The Duds against Team "Shhh.. we're really Canadians"

HHH finally makes a new star. Unfortunately it's a bottle of YJ Stinger he puts over. I have a feeling this may become the new "Surge" ala WCW.

Live from Stamford (and definately not backstage in a designated interview area) is Shane McMahon. Eric commandeers the interview and informs Shane that he'll face Kane in a Last Man Standing match.

Gail Kim & Molly vow backstage to end Trish Stratus' career next week. Maybe the plan is to put her in a match Broadway with Gail & Jackie Gayda?..That'd do it for sure.

Scott Steiner Vs. Steven Richards. Test and Stacy sit at ringside. Test interferes and delivewrs a full nelson slam but Steiner recovers and hits the big juicing flatliner for the quick win. After the match Steiner and a mouth full of marbles challenges Test for a rematch with Stacy on the line. Test agrees but if he wins Steiner becomes his bitch..huh?... Just what your horndog 14 year old audience wants: Homerotic escapades! For the record next time I'm playing Basketball with Jason, I'm going to demand he put his girlfriend up for grabs....If only the real World were like the WWE.

Al Snow & Coach are out and "hilarity" ensues as they show JR's head on different photos. A billion dollar company (wink*wink) and they can't even get good photo shop. The segment ends with JR & Lawler hitting the ring. Ross delivers a picture perfect standing frankensteiner- Just kidding. By the way the strange silence you hear at the PPV won't be the lack of commentators for this match but the crowd's reaction to it.

HHH & Ric Flair Vs. Goldberg & Randy Orton; The mystery partners were very predictable considering there was no Evolution all show and there was no one really left on the roster as HBK was busy trying to convert the eyebrows of Maven to the ways of our Lord and Nash is still on the set of The Punisher praying that no one finds out he really isn't in the movie. Anyway, this whole thing is a ruse and Evolution pulverizes Whoopi. Goldberg fights but not before eating a nasty chair shot by Trips. HHH's battle-weary Steph Hammer prevents him from hitting a proper Pedigree but the show closes with Evolution and the omnipresent clam diggers of HHH standing triumphant over the bloody body of Goldberg as we fade out.

-Well that was what it was. And I'm not totally sure what that is. Nothing was terrible but their was so much non-wrestling content here and not one standout match.

Highlight: By virtue of elimination, The Cage match gets the win, but that's like winning an ugly contest. Even when you win, you really lose.

Lowlight: The 10 Man clusterfuck and Mark Henry who apparently gets paid by the pound. If he did get his salary on a workrate basis, you'd likely find ol' Mizark sleeping under a park bench.

Flair, The H's and Randy Orton are backstage conversing. Orton says he'll catch up with them later. Orton passes a pair of eyebrows in the hall then runs into HBK who lays God's wrath on the heathen Orton by slapping him in the face.

Lowlight: The promos and interviews; Not one non-wrestling thing on this show came across as the least bit entertaining or compelling, add the fact that your lead announcer JR. basically told you that his match was going to suck is actually funny. Quite the hard-sell JR.

The show opens up with Lilian Garcia putting over wounded and crippled soldiers at ringside. No sign of Brock Lesnar, so I think things will be fine.

Coach and Al Snow come out to call RAW.

Goldberg comes to the ring and says he did what he said he was going to do and won the World Title. Steve Austin then comes out and acts as oxygen to Bill's fire and steals all the heat. He congratulates Goldberg and they drink beer together. How sweet. This of course brings Eric Bischoff to the ring and Eric states he created Goldberg not Vince. Whoopi responds by spearing Da Bisch. All I know is I can't wait for this bad ass against smarmy authority figure angle to unfold. Fresh ideas like this will no doubt bring business back...oh wait.

RVD Vs. Christian; Intercontinental Title on the line; Rob brought his working boots tonight. They may smell like potatoes but they're tied up and rarin' to go. Both men blow away their previous encounter and deliver a credible match that sees Christian get himself disqualified by nailing RVD with the belt. Christian adds insult to injury by pulling out a ladder and delivering his own version of a frog splash after the match.

Y2J is backstage and coaxes Bischoff into giving him a World Title shot tonight, with Eric himself as Referee.

The very exciting tandem of Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak come out and before they can debut their new team name of "Two generic guys with forgettable names" Evolution beats them down. HHH cuts a promo on Goldberg and how he'll be champion again. H's is wearing dark shades and somewhere behind the arena there's an unconscious blind guy. H's however neglected to bring the cup of pencils and organ monkey with him to ringside.

Tommy Dreamer Vs. Barry White; Barry looks pretty healthy for a guy 4 months expired. Tommy gets his patented ECW-lite throwback offense in before Mark Henry beats him with a powerslam. Teddy Long says he may run for president, for now he'll have to be satisfied with being president of the Turtle Club.

Evolution have a confrontation with Maven, Cade & Jindrak. It doesn't take a Rocket Scientist (who by the way love Wrestling) to figure out that this trio is going to end up being Orton's Faux Horsemen when he inevitably breaks away from Trips and Naitch;

We see Lita and Trish walking backstage but not before we audibly hear a production guy say something about "Worst Case Scenario". Damn, maybe it's Ebola. Someone check that organ monkey in H's locker room. Steve Austin sans outbreak protective suit interrupts a conversation between Christian and Y2J. He makes a ladder match for next week with RVD for Christian, and informs Jericho that Ross Vs. Coach will take place in a viewers must commit suicide match.

Molly Holly & Gail Kim Vs. Trish Stratus & Lita; These four once again deliver and I'm starting to wonder if Fit Finlay threatened to put car bombs under their cars unless they shaped up. Good match here that sees Lita pin Gail after a Twist of Fate. For the record I have this sneaking feeling that Lita's not really spanish, call it a hunch.

Test, Scott Steiner & Stacy interact backstage. Test demand that Scott carry his luggage which is apropos considering that's what people like Jericho have had to do to him.

Shane is at a "hospital" when Kane in full gear shows up and assaults him even taking a packet of hemogloben and smushing it on Shane's face (probably not the best way to promote Red Cross. "Blood it's in you to give...So wrestlers can use it as sight gags"

Rob Conway & Rene Dupree Vs. Hurricane & Rosey; Grenier is at ringside. The S.H.I.T. is really flying here and Hurricane and Rosey actually work well as a team finishing Rob Conway with a Samoan drop neckbreaker combo. The Dudley's inexplicably come and hug the military guys at ringiside. Ok we get it. Why not send Terri out to give them all handjobs too?

Evolution Vs. Cade, Jindrak and a Pair of Eyebrows; Maven who has now eclipsed Sesame Street's Bert as eyebrow standard bearer actually held his team together. How do you like your dropkicks? Well you better because that's all this trio has. HHH mercifully ends this one with a pedigree to Maven and Flair gets put on top for the pin. For the record there are rumours that Cade and Jindrak have tattoo's reading "If lost please return to 1986"

HHH cuts a promo afterward stating we need him more than he needs us... We love you too.

Rock is being interviewed by professional Wrestling barnicle Mark Lloyd. Standard Rockisms abound, Assholes and monkey nipples.

Goldberg Vs. Y2J; World Heavyweight Title at stake; Jericho once again walks on water and pulls a respectable match out of Goldberg. Goldberg sells the shoulder after missing a spear and crashing into the steel stairs. The Ref gets bumped and Eric Bischoff who was "Outside Referee" (way to program your fans to know that nothing is going to happen until the 2nd Referee comes in.) slides in and tries a count but Bill kicks out. Jericho low blows Goldberg and Eric is primed to count again when Austin runs out and assaults Bischoff (I thought he had to be provoked?) The distraction allows Goldberg to spear Jericho and hit a "Jack Hammer" for the win.

-Dcent show with nothing truly bad. And atleast it progressed the angles.

Highlight: Christian Vs. RVD; RVD seemed to be working extra hard tonight and the two had a cohesive match. Goldberg and Jericho match served it's purpose as well.

Lowlight: Evolution and OVW crew. This heatless match seemed to drag on forever and it wasn't so much bad as it was uninteresting. Putting on longwinded matches for the sake of setting up an angle that no one really cares about is not worth our time.

Raw Report: (09/29/03)

The show opens with Lilian Garcia introducing RAW announcers Al Snow & Johnathan Coachman to a chorus of boos.

Jericho comes out wearing pants louder than that old woman from the Wendy's commercials in the 80's. Eric Bischoff follows suit and we have a Highlight Reel. Jim Ross is announced as the guest and it's also announced that Steve Austin is "suspended" so that definitely means he'll be here. Jericho ends up attacking JR and putting him in the walls. He taps out (which to me is always funny outside of an actual match setting. When I get my assed kicked in a fight I tend to not pound the ground hoping to signal mercy from my attacker) Austin of course hits the ring and the heels flee. Security guys and definitely not local indy workers try to remove Austin from the ring but get attacked by Stone Cold for their trouble.

After the commercial, Austin is inexplicably in the parking lot and several cops block the entrance.

The Dudley Boyz Vs. Test & Scott Steiner; World tagteam titles at stake; as part of Steiner's white slavery agreement he's forced to tag with Test who pretty much works 99% of the match until Stacy hits Test with a chair shot feeding him into a 3D from the Dudz for the win. After the match Steiner turns on Stacy and gives her a belly to belly. Probably not the best way to break up with your girlfriend but effective none the less. Btw, TSN must have a Canadian bias because Steiner's assault went unedited, unlike Test who's best of clips are various crowd shots on this network.

We are told after the break that Trip's has a major announcement later. Perhaps he'll announce that he's the proud father of a 45 pound baby boy (I'm convinced that Steph has been pregnant for two years.)

Kane comes out sans shirt. (Diva's follow suit please) and says that his feud with Shane is far from over. The Hurricane comes out and reminds Kane of when they won the Tagteam Titles last year. Kane says Hurricane represents everything he hates about himself. Kane then goes to challenge a young kid in the crowd who's wearing a Hurricane mask. Hurricane comes to the kids aid and gets manhandled for his trouble. This brings in Rosey who comes to Hurricane's aid and the duo double clothesline the BRM out of the ring. For the record my team name for this duo is "S.H.I.T. Storm"...See this is why I get paid the big bucks..Ok, not really.

We see Maven's eyebrows, Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak backstage playing a video game. The WWE apparently gave Cade & Jindrak a personality transplant but I feel that their bodies may reject it. La Resistance come in and insult the trio and Cade makes a reference about World War 2 that I doubt 90% of the under 15 viewing audience would even know about. This hilarity sets up some OVW carnage next.

Maven,Cade & Jindrak Vs. La Rez and a very angry Gary Senise; This is a vehicle to get over Maven & the boys for the bigger better things that lay ahead. That vehicle in question is likely a AMC Gremlin for the record. Dupree & Conway work the bulk of this match as Greiner just sits pretty nursing his neck and skinned knees too wink*wink. Cade and Jindrak finish Conway with a Hart Attack/dropkick combo That I officially dub the No-Heat seeking missile.

Austin is out in the parking lot and gets greeted by RVD who thanks him for making the IC title ladder match tonight. A tall guy with a crew cut (insert OVW name here) then introduces himself to Steve and said he bought a ticket just see Stone Cold. Hey, Why doesn't he just give Stonecold HIS ticket?.......hmmmm.

HHH is live from via "Satellite" and says basically that he'll pay anyone $100,000 to mame Goldberg. I'm just waiting for some rube redneck to not think it's a work and attempt to "Kill Bill"...not a Tarantino plug btw.

Coach Vs. Jim Ross in a Country Whupin' match.; Am I the only one a little embarrassed to see a fat guy with a cowboy hat whipping a shirtless black man with a leather belt? Kunta Kinte just rolled over in his grave. This was the Sportz Entertainment portion of the evening so all high standards are out the window faster than a wall Street banker in the 1930's. Ross ends up winning this abortion with his version of a Stunner which at the very least was sold from Coach like he was being launched from a circus cannon. JR gets the pin and King's music hits instantly (as if it was already cued!) and Austin appears and has a ticket and climbs the guard rail because WWE always approves of it's fans doing that.

For the record Jericho who was on commentary for this one, pretty much blew away all four men.

Terri who loses all appeal when she opens her mouth interviews Lita who apparently has a book out. I love it when people release Autobiographies before they've really accomplished anything (See The Rock 1999). Lita rambles on and unfortunately hanging out with Matt has done very little for her promos, as I suggest the only thing to rub off on her maybe some Hardy DNA....BONG. (hey I'm entitled to one crude sexual reference per Rant) Gail Kim & Molly Holly interrupt and Trish runs in for the save but Victoria also intervenes and lays her out with the Widow's peak. Molly & Gail double DDT Lita as well as I think to myself: " I haven't seen this many women laying in an uncomfortable heap since Jason's infamous 21'st Birthday party a couple years ago."

Kane Vs. The Hurricane; Hurricane takes the offense early hitting a insane senton off the top rope to Kane who is on the floor. Sparkly Magician inside but Kane no sells and quickly squashes Gregory with a Chokeslam.

Mark Lloyd interviews Goldberg backstage and Goldberg insists he's not worried about the bounty. Steven Richards assaults Whoopi from behind but gets destroyed in short order.

Goldberg & HBK Vs. Ric Flair & Randy Orton; HBK is wearing a not at all offensive T-shirt with a Jesus fish on it with the letters HBK written inside. If Michaels attempts to die for my sins next week I think I may be offended as a Christian. Team Jehova dominates this one and Goldberg looks to end this one by Jackhammer on Flair when Rodney Mack of all people attack Goldberg with a chair drawing the DQ. Mark Henry also decimates HBK on the floor. I'll readily admit that I'm no fan of who HBK was as a person but as a performer he SHOULD NOT be selling for Mizark Henry. HBK's worth is in putting over the right people not ALL PEOPLE. Everyone's momentum was sacrificed here to set up a visual of Goldberg jack hammering a 400 pound man next week.

Christian is shown backstage and apparently Kevin Dunn should stop doing blow before 11:00 pm because another audible mistake is heard this week, with this time the director telling Christian to redo the scene again.

RVD Vs. Christian; Ladder match, Intercontinental Title at stake. I went on record stating that RVD & Christian finally got on the same page with their effort last week, and this week they took it up a notch, putting on the most exciting RAW main event in a long time. Both men take crazy bumps and deliver some original spots too, something seldom seen in this sort of environment. RVD and Christian end up fighting on the ladder and it tips over and Christian crumples to the mat. However RVD sprung to a second ladder that was set up in the corner and crushed Christian with a huge 5 Star frog splash. RVD recovers and places the Ladder over Christian so in essence he's pinned under the bottom rung as Rob scales the ladder grabbing the IC belt to become a 4 time Champion to close the show.

I have to give this show a thumbs up for no other reason than the Main Event. The bounty on Goldberg's head will also make for some interesting WCW like squashes so atleast the company has a plan. For the record: Expect Orton to grab the IC title on the RAW prior to SD's PPV...just a prediction.

Highlight: RVD Vs. Christian; Innovative match that the crowd was way into. What more can you want.

Lowlight: As easy as it was to bury JR & Coach, we all expected what it was so I'll go with Mark Henry's push instead. Building a match around a squash TV match (Goldberg & Henry) is not good booking, especially if two of those people are Flair & Michaels who should be used more smartly to enhance the right talent. And also, Randy Orton has been anything but "pushed" since his win against Michaels at Unforgiven