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SMACKDOWN RANT ARCHIVE: March 2006

 
DOCTOR GONZO'S ALCOHOL-FUELED SMACKDOWN REPORT (03/03/06)
 
Hey everyone, and welcome back to the show that never ends. From what I heard, this weeks SD was a great one to return to, so let’s see what they got for me.
 
MATCH #1
BOOKER T vs. TATANKA
I initially wonder why Booker is wrestling a Native American purse, but I hear him yell, and see him sell out to the Million Dollar Man, and I see that it’s Tatanka. Booker is getting a monster pop from the crowd tonight. An actual decent match follows with Booker actually working with the speed of 90 year old Tatanka, and it’s working! The finish comes when the Boogeyman, (also over, which I guess is just people not wanting him to come and getcha, cause if a man like that crawled out of my closet I’d... be forced to touch myself?) stalks Sharmell and allows Tatanka to collapse in what looks like a rollup for the 3!
BOOZE-O-METER: 4 jugs (heh, heh) of fire water.

MATCH #2
RANDY ORTON vs. SUPER CRAZY
This could actually be decent, or really bad. Orton has new music that’s all guitars and screeching, kind of like Fozzy’s music.... Highlight of the match is Super Crazy busting out with a tope over the top. Super Crazy then comes back with lucha power, but it’s not enough to overcome the power of Vanilla Orton who hits a power clothesline and the RKO for the win. Decent match.
BOOZE-O-METER: 4 shots of Tequila

MATCH #3
MNM vs. MATT HARDY & ?
They are really, really wasting MNM with this joke of a tag division. And Matt Hardy is just a waste period. Speaking of wastes, Animal ends up being Matt Hardy’s partner, and the only real reason he still calls himself Animal is because there isn’t one he wouldn’t eat. Ha! Anyway, MNM pretty much dominates the match the best way they know how (by kicking fucking ass), until the end when Matt puts Mercury on his shoulders and Animal climbs to the top for the clothesline (why does it sound like I’m writing a children’s book?), but Mercury clips Matt’s knee and the snapshot follows for the win. Animal then goes old school on Matt and rams Matt’s knee into the ringpost all heel like. Good heel turn, wrong person to turn heel. Matt needs to turn heel and revert to V1 ASAP. Melina is still the hottest thing since Mickie James. BOOZE-O-METER: 4 white Russians

MACTH #4
BOBBY LASHLEY vs. FIT FINLAY
Finlay is fucking awesome, and it doesn’t help Lashley that he looks like a potato. I actually really dig this feud because Lashley is finally getting some personality and got a nice pop from the crowd too. They need to pull that “soft spoken” shit from his video because that shit is just plain gay. Finlay is GREAT at selling Lashley’s offense, and a few weeks/months of feuding with Finaly and Lashley will look like a million bucks. Probably not worth that though. Finlay then goes ape shit (no pun intended), and throws chairs into the ring, and the dueling chairs causes a double DQ. They then have a wicked pull apart brawl. Damn I love these things. Great angle development and feud progression. Good shit all around here.
BOOZE-O-METER: 2 Guinness’s
 
SEGMENT
Paul Birchill is being chastised by William Regal for being a pirate. Why do I feel that this is a cast off from a Pat Patterson idea?

MATCH #5
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
KURT ANGLE vs. THE UNDERTAKER
Well I no longer buy WWE PPVs (except for Mania, I guess), so I missed out on a great match between Kurt and Taker. I guess some people may have exaggerated the match a bit, but when you expect a nut ridden turd and you get a snickers bar instead, you tend to count your blessings. Let’s see how this match stacks up. Angle dominates in the beginning of the match until Taker takes over and works the neck for a while, including a vicious boot off the ropes (without using anything to brace himself to lift his leg, like a walker), and a sweet guillotine legdrop off the apron my Taker. Angle proves that if he has someone who knows what their doing in the slightest, he can pull an amazing match out of them. Angle almost hits the popup suplex, but gets a nice superplex anyway. I just noticed Angle is wearing the Goldberg shoes. Minus points. Anyway, the match really picks up after the commercials with counters and reversals and false finishes all the way, and shows some great counter wrestling (although a bit sloppy on the Taker side of things). The finish comes when Taker hits the Tombstone, but Mizark runs in for the DQ. He then froggy splashes Taker from one announce table to the other to set up their Mania match. If Taker’s streak ends to Mizark, I give up. Great match with a shitty finish.
BOOZE-O-METER: 1 Jar of Embalming Fluid

OVERALL ALCOHOL INTAKE: 1 Jar of Embalming Fluid, 2 Guinness’s, 4 White Russians, 4 jugs of fire water, and 4 shots of Tequila. Here you have it, the lowest amount of booze it has EVER taken to get through an episode of SD. I’m barely buzzed here. Great episode that focused on good wrestling and great, fresh angles. Good stuff.

 
 
 
DOCTOR GONZO'S ALCOHOL-FUELED SMACKDOWN REPORT (03/10/06)
 
 
SEGMENT
The Mizark is in the ring preparing to give a promo just by sweating. Davari starts yelling into the mic, and Henry manages to sweat audibly the phrase that Kurt Angle would not be champ without Henry. Angle comes out and a brawl erupts. Orton comes in and tells untimely Mexican jokes while kicking Angle in the head. This causes Rey Mysterio to come in since he is in fact Mexican, (and has the tattoo to prove it); and we now have our main event.

MATCH #1
BOBBY LASHLEY vs. FIT FINLAY
To further this angle, Lashley should grow his hair out and dye it blonde, and that way next Friday, on St. Patty’s day, Finlay can try to drink him claiming that he “looks like a Guinness”. Now THAT is good booking. Anyway, the match never goes anywhere as they brawl on the entrance and fight to the parking lot where Lashley tries to kill Finlay by dropping a car on him (!!!) but lucky for potato lovers everywhere, Finlay rolls away.

SEGMENT
JBL thanks the fans for their support and ends up challenging Stone Cold to a beer drinking contest on Saturday Night’s Main Event. Ok.

MATCH #2
PAUL “The PIRATE” BURCHILL vs. WILLIAM REGAL
This should be interesting as Regal has become the guy to put over young guys. The match is pretty good as expected and the finish comes when the pirate hits a sort of variation of the Rock Bottom that isn’t too bad looking (Sean's Edit: The C-4!... or I guess we could call it the Sea-4?). Too bad the gimmick is pretty much death for now. BOOZE-O-METER: 4 Steins of Mead

MATCH #3
JILLIAN vs. KRISTAL
Is this how all diva feuds start with people who can’t wrestle? One girl wants to get naked, and the other is offended in some way, so it leads to this crap? (and still no nakedness?) Kristal wins by the way.
BOOZE-O-METER: 7 Jack and Cokes
 
MATCH #4
CHRIS BENOIT vs. SUGAR SHANE HELMS
I thought this match should be good and it did not disappoint. Benoit has the uncanny ability to make everyone he is in the ring with better and consequentially, Helms has his best match since turning heel. Good counters, good chain wrestling, and domination by Benoit. Good angle development as Helms tries to take off but the cruisers come out and throw him back in for Benoit to get the tapout victory with the crossface. BOOZE-O-METER: 5 White Russians

MATCH #5
KURT ANGLE & REY vs. MARK HENRY & RANDY ORTON
Was not looking forward to this, but it really wasn’t that bad. Orton was in the ring for the most part with Angle and Rey so the energy was there, while Mizark does what he does best: sweating and looking dirty. The match goes to a DQ/No contest (no official announcement made) after Mizark splashes Angle through a table.
BOOZE-O-METER: 7 White Russians

OVERALL ALCOHOL INTAKE: 12 White Russians, 7 Jack and Cokes, and 4 Steins of Mead. While not a lot of Booze dished out today, there were only a few boozeable moments, as SD this week was just slow moving and kind of stagnant. Not a great way to advance from last week, but they are trying to build for Mania, so can’t totally blame them

 
 
 
DOCTOR GONZO'S ALCOHOL-FUELED SMACKDOWN REPORT (03/17/06)
 
 
Hello all, just an FYI that I have a keg of Stella waiting for me in my living room right now, so this may not be the most complete recap, especially because I am about 10 beers deep already. So enjoy!

MATCH #1
FIT FINLAY vs. BOBBY LASHLEY
This is a lumberjack match, and while I feel it’s good that they are letting them get this match going, I thought it could be a bit more of a buildup leading to the match. I mean the guy tried to throw a car on an Irishman, and the result is a lumberjack match? Well I guess the logic of wrestling is never that large considering in this industry, attempted homicide leads to settling it in the ring. Anyway, Finlay dominates early until Lashley goes ape shit (no pun intended) and dominates. End comes when Sylvian comes in with a chair allowing Finlay to grab his shillelagh (the club you sick fucks) and hit Lashley for the win, on his day of days. Good match, and Lashley is starting to get over big.
BOOZE-O-METER: 4 Green Beers

MATCH #2
WILLIAM REGAL & JILLIAN HALL vs. PAUL BIRCHILL & KRYSTAL
A crappy little match that is highlighted by Birchill doing the Captain Morgan stance and hitting his rotating reverse Rock Bottom thing for the win.
BOOZE-O-METER: 7 Green Beers

MATCH #3
BOOKER T vs. JEREMY YOUNG
Haha, Sharmell is in a beekeepers suit to save her from the worms of the Boogeyman. I never thought I would ever have to write a sentence like that in my life. Booker dominates and wins with the Scissors kick. Boogeyman’s music hits and Booker and Sharmell crawl under the ring to a waiting Boogeyman who chases them up the ramp.
BOOZE-O-METER: 7 Green Beers

MATCH #4
MATT HARDY vs. ANIMAL
This is for a spot in the money in the bank ladder match. Animal dominates after Hardy’s first spurt. Matt looks like he’ll win until Animal grabs some knucks and hits Matt with them for the win, but the ref reverses the call after he sees them, because this only really happens when they need it to. Fucking GAY.
BOOZE-O-METER: 9 Green Beers

MATCH #5
CHRIS BENOIT vs. ORLANDO JORDAN
Benoit domination follows. As does a tap out via Sharpshooter. And then leads to him being hit with a beer cooler by JBL. Drama. BOOZE-O-METER: 5 Green Beers

MATCH #6
MNM & MARK HENRY vs. KURT ANGLE, REY & RANDY ORTON
Angle is the face in peril for much of this match that is disappointing considering MNM is in there most of the time. Orton as a heel on the face team is a nice dynamic, but the main event tag matches on SD are wearing thin about 2 years ago. Rey takes over as the face getting dominated and all hell breaks loose as Angle comes in, Angle Slams Mercury, and Rey follows with the 619, but Orton tags himself in to get the pin. Intrigue!
BOOZE-O-METER: 5 Green Beers

OVERALL ALCOHOL INTAKE: 33 Green Beers. A decent SD that is unfortunately just more of the same, but I guess that’s what is expected on the “Road to Wrestlemania”. Never ends, and none of the matches really appear to be that interesting. We’ll see as the weeks continue, but stagnation is in, but this is the staple as after Wrestlemania is when things start to get fresh again, hopefully.

 
 
 
DOCTOR GONZO'S ALCOHOL-FUELED SMACKDOWN REPORT (03/24/06)
 
 
SEGMENT
Randy Orton leads off SD by cutting a promo that only he can: in monotone, with non-dramatic pauses. He then says that he will be the next WWE Champion. Just once I would love to see someone say, “At Wrestlemania, Kurt Angle will walk away champ by making me tap out”. At least throw us for a loop here. Then he could call the crowd a bunch of fucking morons for believing him, and then taking a dump in a gym bag. To my surprise, he does exactly what I just said. It does not go over well.

MATCH #1
MONEY IN THE BANK BATTLE ROYAL
Too many people to name, so just imagine all of the SD loser undercard in one match, and that pretty much explains this match. Anyway, the only two people of note are Lashley and Birchill. Lashley has more of a pirate name than Birchill, but I doubt that there are many 6’6 300lbs walking muscles that make good pirates. It comes down to MNM and Lashley, who DOMINATES and tosses them both for the big win and the Wrestlemania match.
BOOZE-O-METER: 6 Guinness’s

MATCH #2
REY MYSTERIO vs. FIT FINLAY
This can once again, be good, but that’s the normal with this Irish bastard. The irony being that this man’s nickname (Fit) implies that he should be in great shape but this is the opposite. Although a circle is a shape, and Finlay seems just that. Anyway Finlay dominates the match with the stiffness that Ray hasn’t seen since Big Show strapped him to a gurney and slammed him into the ring post. I would have said something more in the lines of, “Rey hasn’t seen stiffness like this since Eddie Guerrerro’s funeral”, but that would just be in bad taste. Yep, I would never write something like that. Back to the match, where Finlay dominates until Rey mounts a comeback, but only leads to Randy Orton coming in and hitting the RKO allowing Finlay to get the pin.
BOOZE-O-METER: 3 shots of Tequila

SEGMENT
Teddy Long is there for the contract signing for Booker’s match against Boogeyman. He also allows Booker a partner in the match, but does not tell Booker who it is until after Booker signs and his partner is Sharmell! Curse that infernal affirmative action. Booker had a perfectly good white partner lined up, but Teddy was forced to give it to Sharmell to fill a quota.

MATCH #3
CHRIS BENOIT vs. WILLIAM REGAL
Set up earlier in the show, this match could be awesome. They bring the kickass early on with a release dragon suplex, a T-Bone on the floor, the crossface chickenwing, and William Regal just being badass. They need to feud and have a best of 7 match, although I don’t think they could both survive a best of seven series with each other. Those matches would be fucking dope though! Benoit ends this with the Crossface for the tapout. Match was insanely short.
BOOZE-O-METER: 5 White Russians
 
MATCH #4
MARK HENRY vs. KURT ANGLE
Horrible match that is slow and plodding as you would expect from a 400lb walking pile of shit. Thankfully near the end Orton comes in to spice things up, but Rey makes the save, but hits Angle by accident allowing Mizark to get the pin. Angle is pissed and hits Rey so Rey 619’s him (not 69’s to the disappointment of Canadian Bacon). Actually think about that if Rey were to 69 anyone, male or female he’d barely make it to their belly button. Wait, I think I just invented a new sexual position.
BOOZE-O-METER: 7 Guinness’s

OVERALL ALCOHOL INTAKE: 13 Guinness’s, 5 White Russians, and 3 shots of Tequila. Not a bad SD in terms of wrestling, but it’s just plodding towards Wrestlemania that really doesn’t have any matches I’m interested in. Oh well, maybe next year.

 
 
 
DOCTOR GONZO'S ALCOHOL-FUELED SMACKDOWN REPORT (03/24/06)
 
 
SEGMENT
Randy Orton leads off SD by cutting a promo that only he can: in monotone, with non-dramatic pauses. He then says that he will be the next WWE Champion. Just once I would love to see someone say, “At Wrestlemania, Kurt Angle will walk away champ by making me tap out”. At least throw us for a loop here. Then he could call the crowd a bunch of fucking morons for believing him, and then taking a dump in a gym bag. To my surprise, he does exactly what I just said. It does not go over well.

MATCH #1
MONEY IN THE BANK BATTLE ROYAL
Too many people to name, so just imagine all of the SD loser undercard in one match, and that pretty much explains this match. Anyway, the only two people of note are Lashley and Birchill. Lashley has more of a pirate name than Birchill, but I doubt that there are many 6’6 300lbs walking muscles that make good pirates. It comes down to MNM and Lashley, who DOMINATES and tosses them both for the big win and the Wrestlemania match.
BOOZE-O-METER: 6 Guinness’s

MATCH #2
REY MYSTERIO vs. FIT FINLAY
This can once again, be good, but that’s the normal with this Irish bastard. The irony being that this man’s nickname (Fit) implies that he should be in great shape but this is the opposite. Although a circle is a shape, and Finlay seems just that. Anyway Finlay dominates the match with the stiffness that Ray hasn’t seen since Big Show strapped him to a gurney and slammed him into the ring post. I would have said something more in the lines of, “Rey hasn’t seen stiffness like this since Eddie Guerrerro’s funeral”, but that would just be in bad taste. Yep, I would never write something like that. Back to the match, where Finlay dominates until Rey mounts a comeback, but only leads to Randy Orton coming in and hitting the RKO allowing Finlay to get the pin.
BOOZE-O-METER: 3 shots of Tequila

SEGMENT
Teddy Long is there for the contract signing for Booker’s match against Boogeyman. He also allows Booker a partner in the match, but does not tell Booker who it is until after Booker signs and his partner is Sharmell! Curse that infernal affirmative action. Booker had a perfectly good white partner lined up, but Teddy was forced to give it to Sharmell to fill a quota.

MATCH #3
CHRIS BENOIT vs. WILLIAM REGAL
Set up earlier in the show, this match could be awesome. They bring the kickass early on with a release dragon suplex, a T-Bone on the floor, the crossface chickenwing, and William Regal just being badass. They need to feud and have a best of 7 match, although I don’t think they could both survive a best of seven series with each other. Those matches would be fucking dope though! Benoit ends this with the Crossface for the tapout. Match was insanely short.
BOOZE-O-METER: 5 White Russians
 
MATCH #4
MARK HENRY vs. KURT ANGLE
Horrible match that is slow and plodding as you would expect from a 400lb walking pile of shit. Thankfully near the end Orton comes in to spice things up, but Rey makes the save, but hits Angle by accident allowing Mizark to get the pin. Angle is pissed and hits Rey so Rey 619’s him (not 69’s to the disappointment of Canadian Bacon). Actually think about that if Rey were to 69 anyone, male or female he’d barely make it to their belly button. Wait, I think I just invented a new sexual position.
BOOZE-O-METER: 7 Guinness’s

OVERALL ALCOHOL INTAKE: 13 Guinness’s, 5 White Russians, and 3 shots of Tequila. Not a bad SD in terms of wrestling, but it’s just plodding towards Wrestlemania that really doesn’t have any matches I’m interested in. Oh well, maybe next year.