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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (March 2006)

 

WWE RAW RANT: 03/06/06 by Cameron Burge.

Welcome back you bunch of freeloaders. Leeching off my articles like those bums that call themselves my friends, but won’t help me move, though are more than willing to show up when I have pizza. Yeah I’m talking to you.

Okay, maybe I have personal issues to work out. Tonight’s show is summarized as, and I quote, "The fallout from Shane McMahon forcing HBK to kiss Mr. McMahon’s BEHIND." That’s right....they said kiss. It was obviously more of a smooch.

tonight, Gersh supplied me with a fun new idea. When something dumb or retarded happens we shall call it "Eugene." If something is Eugene enough it will win a Eugene Award at the end of the article.

Raw 03.06.06

Tonight we’ll be having two Wrestlemania CLASSIC rematches....Kane/Hunter and Big Show/Cena...yeah....

The story tonight is that Jannety is a no show because of his parole officer. Show opens with Vince’s bare ass being displayed for us in a recap of what happened last week. Just what I need, more horrifying nightmares this week. For some reason when HBK takes the chair shot, Vince is doing some kind of pantsless kung fu pose.

The show opens officially with Vince and Shane dragging out some COMPLETELY authentic cops who took time out of their busy schedule of monitoring the Krispy Kreme donut light to guard these two schmucks. Vince says the "fuck you" chants need to be held because they are in the Bible belt. Vince displays a blown up version of Shawn kissing his ass then proceeds to bring out a dead horse and beats it with a tire iron. HE plays dramatic music and does a "thank you" speech for academy awards. He thanks the Spirit Squad for inspiring him to drop his pants (The fuck?!). He then thanks Masters for his MASTERfull Nelson and names Carlito and Masters the #1 Contenders for the Tag Team Titles to face Kane & Big Show at Mania. He then thanks Jannety and says he won’t receive a contract or show his face in a WWE ring. (big boos) He then thanks everyone who’s ever kissed ass for their complete lack of spinal cords. Finally he thanks Shane who gets cheers and thanks him for having Michaels crash into his ass. Coach keeps snickering through the whole thing.

Vince then goes on to talk about facing Michaels saying he himself is on the cover of Muscle and Fitness which does not promote steroids at all!....*shifty eyes*

Anyway, he says Michaels has no chance in hell and goes to leave when Michaels music hits. The security goes to the ramp, and Michaels comes from behind to whip Shane’s ass. The security dives on him and hauls him off. Vince threatens Michaels with a one on one match...with Shane. Vince keeps pretending to be storming he ring and being held back, which just look gay because he still doesn’t that power walk, just in fast forward. Commercial time, bitches.

Random Commercial Thought: I spent this commercial getting foos, though I should have waited until a Triple H promo and just recapped it from memory. "I am the bestest in the EVAH!!! I am the Game! I have the POWERRRRR!" That last one may or may not have been He-man.

WWE Unlimited: The Gersh had this to say, "I'm so glad they have unlimited for such insider footage like HBK leaving the ring and going up the ramp"

Back to the show where we get a recap of what went down with Shelton. Shane is telling Vince he isn’t ready, but Vince says he is because he’s a McMahon. We go to ringside with Shelton and Mama for the IC title match. King says Mama’s favorite band is Nine Inch Nails. HA!. This is Flair’s rematch.

Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin w/ His Mama vs. Ric Flair (Intercontinental title Match)

Shelton attacks early from behind and catches Flair out of the corner with the back body drop that Flair seems to get hit by so much. Shelton gets two and picks up another with a Samoan drop. Shelton hits a stalling vertical suplex and once again covers for two. Flair rallies and starts the chop chop train. Her gets Shelton in the corner and beats him down before stomping on him until the ref pulls him off. Shelton reaches for mama, until Flair drags him back to his feet for another whipping. The ref takes an inadvertent shot to the eye from Shelton, as Shelton gets tripped up into a Figure Four. Shelton taps, but the ref calls the bell at a DQ. Flair wins, but not the title.
Winner: Flair

Special Match "Fact": Rumors that Flair plans to duplicate Shelton’s amazing run of the ladders from last years MITB are still completely unfounded as of this point.

After the match Shelton gets a beat down from Flair. Flair goes to Mama and takes her oxygen tank to nail Shelton in the gut with it while she screams for Shelton. Shelton takes more tank shots and gets tossed to mama’s feet and the crowd loves it all. Commercial time.

Random Commercial Thought: conic Riders: Because "The Fastest Thing Alive" obviously needs a hoverboard to get around faster.

WWE unlimited: RVD is interviewed about MITB when Teddy Long shows up to announce that it is interpromotional and the qualifiers will be this Friday.

When we get back They tell us the wrong number of days to Wrestlemania. They replay Unlimited where Teddy explained what Interpromotional mean for Eugene’s relatives that must be watching. Now it’s on to Triple H/Kane. I can only imagine that Kane must have called Vince this week and said, "You know, I haven't been buried by Hunter again this year yet. Could you schedule that up for me?" Hunter is going to be on Conan.

Triple H vs. World Tag Team Champion Kane (Wrestlemania Rewind Match)

Hunter dances around like Rocky Balboa before taking a cheap shot with a thumb to the eye. Hunter eats a big boot wrong and gets tossed to the corner for heavy rights. Kane send shim to the other and follows with a crushing clothesline. Kane winds up for another and runs into the single most telegraphed Harley Race knee ever. Kane sits up and takes a right before just decking Hunter with a right of his own. Kane goes up top and gets racked before tumbling back to the ground.

Hunter tries a vertical suplex, but Kane reverse into a sloppy one of his own. Kane fends Hunter off with huge rights eats the knee from a back body drop. Hunter goes for the Pedigree and gets back body dropped out. Kane comes into the corner with huge clotheslines into the side walk slam before going up top again. Kane hits the flying lariat which Hunter falls for way before being hit. Masters comes from behind while Kane is going for the chokeslam. Kane throws him off and goes to the outside, dragging Hunter out by the ankle. Hunter avoids DQ after an inadvertent thumb to the eye just got one despite DRAGGING THE REF BY THE FOOT. Hunter escapes while Kane is beaten by Carlito and Masters then hits a shitty looking pedigree for the win.
Winner: Hunter

Special Match "Fact": The Levesque Fetus is YOUR next IC Champion.

Kane looks pissed (more like pissed on) at the Eugene finish as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: If it is the Bowflex Extreme 2 why wasn’t the first extreme enough?

Back to the show. They talk about Candice and we cut it Viscera and Torrie. Oh wait that’s Victoria. Torrie is angry and Victoria accuses her of messing everything up for Candice last week. Victoria says they’ll be the three amigas tonight as we go to Shawn. Tard busts in and HBK cuts off the questions. We find Stephanie is there swollen with child(Where the fuck is Snitsky when you NEED him?), but the child obviously isn’t Hunter’s. His couldn’t possibly please her...if she can still find it. Maybe it’s immaculate?

She says she has to have something off her chest (those giant funbags?). She says she is pregnant and children change a person. She says he needs to give her a chance to apologize for Vince and Shane. She then grunts a lot and holds her stomach and he goes to get her some water...despite a bottle being right there. She turns to that bottle and puts drugs in it before leaving when HBK gives her the drink. Shawn takes a swig, apparently ignoring the fizzing drugs completely, as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I was away. Deal with this, and you’ll feel better about that horrible thing you did to your best friend in third grade, but never told him it was you.

Back to the show. They run a segment on Candice’s shoot. Torrie and Victoria reveal the cube of her cover before a drumroll comes off like an extended Masterpiece entrance. The box lifts to reveal Candice in her cover outfit. Candice says how hot she is like fifty times. She then says she’s hotter than Trish, and Stacy who only got third in Dancing with the stars. And she claims she is the hottest WWE Diva in playboy. Torrie doesn’t agree. Candice asks her again and Torrie says she is acting like the biggest bitch in WWE. If Candice would please get some emotion in her voice I might not have to hit mute when I violate myself to her segments. Candice apologizes and goes for a hug, but Victoria attacks from behind. Candice drives Torrie into the mat hard (that’s how I like it!) with a Stroke? Ha! They did it better than Jarret. We cut to the back with Shawn drinking more water on his way to his match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Well, I’ve been there and done that THREE TIMES. Top that.

Anyway, here we go again. If we hadn’t seen it enough, they replay the ass-kissing again. Here comes the money. It’s my Favorite WWE theme as Shane and Vince arrive for the match. They replay Shawn’s attack from earlier this hour. Shawn is out and here we go.

Shawn Michaels w/ Alka-Seltzer poisoning? vs. Shane McMahon w Vince McMahon

Shawn attacks and Shane ducks to the floor, managing to come back into the ring with a cheap shot. Shane does his wigger punches and Shawn stumbles around drunkenly for the blows. Shawn finally snaps back with a decking blow, and stumbles out he manages a chop and the weakest looking flying shoulder block that just stumbles Shane. Shane gets in stiff shots while this stupidity continues. Big HBK chants build while Shane continues to just squash him with rights and do his taunt dance. Shane picks Shawn up by the hair and decks him back down after some yelling before covering three.
Winner: Shane

Special Match "Fact": The Gersh called this "Brokeback Eugene" I tend to agree.

After the match, Vince applauds like a giddy schoolgirl as the ref checks Shawn. The McMahons talk to Lillian and start a new match against Vince. God damn this is stupid.

Vince McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels

Vince strips his Coat and pins Shawn for three.
Winner: Vince

Special Match "Fact": Oops I blinked.

As if things weren’t quite gay enough, The Spirit Squad arrives to celebrate Vince’s victory and carry him and Shane on their shoulders. Joey saves us all by sending us on break.

Random Commercial Thought: I need time to recover from that one. This show just keeps getting worse by the minute.

Back to the show. They re-run what just happened because we obviously haven’t seen enough McMahons tonight. The Squad is still celebrating and as if things couldn’t get more Eugene, Eugene actually shows up. The squad imitates Eugene’s imitations. Eugene wants the air horn, but they play keep away from him, making fun of him until they deck him with it. The match starts.

Kenny w/ Spirit Squad vs. Eugene

Kenny clocks him with a flying elbow for two and hits a scoop slam. Kenny hits an elbow drop for two and kicks Eugene in the head. The rest of the squad cheer shim on as he puts Eugene in a sleeper. Kenny hits a DDT for two. The crowd almost rallies for Eugene, but can’t really care.

Eugene rolls Kenny up for two and Kenny hammer shim with falling forearms. Kenny goes back to the sleeper and Eugene fights out. Eugene takes turnbuckle head shots and Tards up to his Hogan mode for the punch combo. Eugene goes into the airplane spin. Kenny tries an arm drag and Eugene reverses into a face plant for two. Eugene rolls Kenny up for another two and hits a clothesline before taunting the Squad. Kenny sets up and hits the Rock Bottom before going for the People’s Elbow. The Squad gets on the apron so Johnny can run in and hits a huge kick on Eugene. Kenny hits a huge top rope leg drop for three.
Winner: Kenny

Special Match "Fact": Kenny is the same age as myself. Horrifying isn’t it?

After the match we see Lita and Edge headed to the ring for Lita’s match with Maria as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: 90% of out of body experiences occur in a boxing ring. Only 20% of those people actually boxing.

We come back to "This Week in Wrestling History" it’s a recap of the first Saturday Night’s Main Event. Maria comes out to her generic techno and Lita comes out with Edge to her old theme which we haven’t heard in a long time.

Lita w/ Edge vs. Maria

Maria is saying she doesn’t want to fight, but Lita just knocks her down. Edge looks...like he swallowed something? Lita just kicks Maria around for a while and chokes her on the ropes, which is a change because Lita usually does the choking on things....though I’m sure her gag reflex has long since departed. Maria gets a sunset rollup for two, but Lita returns to just kicking her and standing on her. "Ho" calls start as Lita bitchslaps Maria and stomps her to the mat. Maria actually fights Lita off and tries for a clothesline but hits air. Lita kills Maria dead with a DDT instead and picks up the win.
Winner: Lita

Special Match "Fact": Lita’s regular finishers are the reverse Twist of Fate and the Litacanrana.

Edge is going to spear Maria when Foley shows up to fend him off until Lita almost daintily jumps on his back, instead of leaping on there to tear at him. Edge hits a spear on him and grabs a chair. Edge smacks Mick with the chair and goes for the One Man Conchairto to big "Cena" chants. no Cena arrives and Foley eats the Conchairto. Edge grabs a microphone and says he accepts the challenge for the Hardcore match. They then run a Wrestlemania vid cap of the matches for Mania.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m a tumor!


We come back to find Stone Cold will induct Bret. Eddie will be inducted by his friends and Mean Gene will be inducted by Hogan. The next inductee is....Sherry Martel?!

Mickie is in the back talking about Sherry being inducted and saying Trish needs to be inducted. Trish says they need to talk. Trish says Mickie is too much. She gave her twenty text messages and had her face in her crotch. Trish then points out Mickie was licking a magazine with her picture on it and give Mickie the unofficial break up as we go to ringside. Joey and crew pimp Saturday Night’s Main Event. In the back Show is doing pushup in front of his tag team title, apparently counting them by when his gut hits the ground as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Commercials are grating on my nerves with their repetitiveness. Sometimes I desire some new material.

We come back to a video recap of Henry/Taker for some reason. Big Show comes out and Cena follows. At least he got a new shirt. The crowd is actually popping for him pretty good tonight.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. World Tag Team Champion The Big Show (Wrestlemania Rewind Match)

Cena is tossed off easily from the tie up, and big Show calls him to bring it. Cena goes to Show with rights and the crowd turns on him for Show. Show decks Cena with a right and headbutts him and the crowd turns back for some reason. Make up your minds, damnit! Cena eats shushed chops. Cena just collapses in the corner before being literally thrown by Show across the ring. Cena is tosses against the rope to bounce into a forearm to the lower back. Show hits some hammering shots to the back and scoop slams Cena before just walking on him. Cena rallies to mixed cries and punches out Show only to eat a side slam for two.

Cena drags himself up, and Show locks him in a bear hug. Cena boxes the ears and takes midsection shots to escape and run into a reverse elbow. Show charges and Cena pulls the ropes down for Show to go over the ropes. Hunter arrive son the entrance ramp with the sledge hammer as we g to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: V for Vendetta: From the makers of The Matrix and two other much more shitty and less popular movies.

WWE Unlimited: Big Show eats steel post.

We come back to Cena taking a big suplex. Cena is taking a beating in the form of big chops and another vertical suplex. Cena kicks out at two and King says Cena will not die, obviously mistaking him for Hardy. Cena gets crushed again for another two. john fights up with shots to the midsection until he’s whipped to the corner. Show charges into the boot and catches Cena off the top to smash him down. Cena goes up top as Masters and Carlito come out. Kane comes from behind and chases them off. Cena catches Show on the top rope and suplexes him off and damn it looks harsh. Cena picks up two to Hunter’s dismay.

Cena is staring Hunter down form in the ring as Show recovers and clotheslines him when he turns around. Show signals for the chokeslam and Cena stumbles up and into it, but counters in midair into a DDT. Sow stands back up and Cena tries clothesline and the flying shoulderblock, but it still doesn't take him down. Show goes for the chokeslam and Cena escapes into the FU for the win.
Winner: Cena

Special Match "Fact": Cena's match endings are somehow infinitely better than the rest of the match.

Hunter stands at ringside slack jawed and talking to his sledgehammer as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: The Show ended. No seriously, tonight sucked. The End.

Lowlight of the Night: Torrie’s heel turn. I SO care....

Eugene Award: First we had Hunter’s continued immunity to DQs, but the winner is definitely Pregnant Steph’s Alka-Seltzer drugging of HBK’s drink and the resulting moments. I haven’t seen that much retarded gayness in one place since The Backstreet Boys were temporarily stricken with Autism.

Only Pimps Can Roll With Me

Remy is back with the TNeh! Report. Watch one angry Canadian's view on things, then feel free not to agree with him on it.

Bacon returns much to everyone’s dismay with another Bacon Report. find out all about the things that never happened, but you didn’t know of....or something like that.

Dr. Gonzo returns just in time to do the Alcohol-fueled Smackdown report featuring the build to the Wrestlemania match everyone wants to see. Taker vs. Mark Henry. I for one can’t wait.

Derek Burgan is here with Curtain Jerkers. Only action figures can accurately portray the real life drama that goes on behind the stage when the camera go off. Check it out.

Sean does his own Wrestlemania Rewind with the Wrestlemania 20 Retro-rant. As if Cena/Show wasn’t enough for one night, you can read how it all went down the first time.

Last but not least, VINCENT KENNEDY MCMAHON presents the latest edition of Through the Eyes of Vince McMahon. Read as the chairman of WWE himself answers all of your questions.

 

 

WWE RAW RANT: (03/13/06) By Cameron Burge

Tonight: RAW. IS. BORING.

No seriously, don’t expect to see anything any more spectacular than last week here as we build to Wrestlemania and Saturday Night’s Main Event. So let’s get into it and hope it doesn’t hurt TOO much.

Raw 03.13.06

Show opens with a recap of Michaels downing a Rooffie Collada. Completely Eugene segment from last week. Theme and pyro bring us home to Texas. They tell us RVD will go for IC gold against Shelton so Mama can bury some more talent before the MITB match. Also we have another cliche Trips contract signing.

Vince is out with Shane, the Krispy Kreme Squad, and the mysterious fellow in a white coat. Vince basically rattles on for a bit then says that Michaels was obviously on drugs and thus the officials have come up with having him tested...publicly. Oh great. Shane commends him for doing this and says he is concerned because he has to wrestle Michaels and wants to make sure he is clean. Vince says Michaels has besmirched the reputation of the WWE and demands Michaels come to the ring right now. God, how Eugene can you get? The crowd doesn’t even seem to care when Michaels is called a junkie face to face by Shane and then Vince says if Michaels is found to be a junkie he’ll be suspended without pay and forfeit his matches. Shane says we can’t trust a junkie and this might not be on the up and up. So Vince has the doctor go into the booth with the doctor to make sure he doesn’t cheat.

Vince walks up to the camera and does a public service announcement as some weak asshole chants start. You know, I really can’t care less. Michaels quotes Robin Hood Men In Tights when the doc has the cup of pee, saying it is better to be pissed off than pissed on before spilling it all over everyone. Vince gets pissed (ha ha! Pee joke!) and runs around the ring with Shane as we go to commercial thankfully.

Random Commercial Thought: Cable gets everyone up the ass, it just depends on how well you spread on how bed it gets you.

Back to the show. The re-run what just happened and King calls this ONE OF THE BIGGEST MOMENTS IN THE HISTORY OF RAW. Shortly there after Rick James walks by and bitch-slaps him. Vince is in the back saying all the Spirit Squad will be against Michaels at once in a steel cage. We go to ringside with Trish and Victoria.

Victoria w/ Candice Michelle vs. Women’s Champion Trish Stratus (Women’s Title Match)

Victoria tackles early and Trish tosses her off. Victoria regains control and slams Trish to the mat for two then a one count. Trish gives Victoria a really stiff midsection shot, but Victoria counter with a knee to the face. Victory carries Trish up into the spin-out side slam for two. Victoria picks Trish up and slams her back down for yet another two as Candice celebrates at ringside. Trish is bent over by her hair behind Victoria for the full count two time sin a row, but Trish counter the second one into a scissors kick. Victoria counters as well and sends Trish to the outside floor. Victoria rolls Trish back in for two.

Trish hits the headscissors on Victoria and both women deck each other with a clothesline. Trish counters a few rights with her own and whips Victoria into a corner, but she runs into the reverse elbow. Trish goes for the Stratusphere, but Victoria throws her off and gets that crappy headscissors again. Trish hits a spinebuster for two. Trish goes for the Stratusfaction, but Candice distracts the ref. Big cheers for Torrie when she runs in on Victoria’s Widow’s peak, hitting a reverse Russian Leg sweep on Victoria. Trish hits the Chick Kick and picks up the win.
Winner: Trish Stratus

Special Match "Fact": Mickie’s tits are bigger than Trish’s. Dare to compare!

Commercial time, folks.

Random Commercial Thought: Oh boy a Larry the Cable Guy movie!...So what else is on?


WWE Unlimited: Victoria swears to God that she’ll make Torrie pay.

Back to the show. In a bit of a Eugene moment, Cowboy Troy the Rappin’ Cowboy arrives. Oh dear God, help us. Coach runs some of Foley’s greatest Mania moments. It’s a video trailer by Edge Rated O for Overrated still. It has the announcer voice with cartoon sound effects as we see Foley getting beat the fuck down over and over. Edge comes out to face Goldust who is already in the ring. Troy calls Edge a high flyer. You know all those DEADLY top rope maneuvers of his? Me neither.

Edge w/ Lita vs. Goldust

Edge ties up with Goldust and forces him to the corner. Goldust hits a deadly butt bump, but Edge kicks him in the face and send shim down to be punched a bunch of times. Edge hammers Goldust with elbow to the back of the head and tosses the golden one back down. Dusty fights up, but Edge counter with rights only to run into a powerslam. Goldust hits a jawbreaker and clothesline, before doing his crotch rubbing mounted punches. Goldust goes for shattered dreams and Lita stops him with a distraction so Edge can get in the spear and the win.
Winner: Edge

Special Match "Fact": Christian has held a world title longer than Edge now.

Edge calls Troy, Cowboy Carl and says he’s the star of the show. We run a trailer that is pro-edge then are told that the worst talk show segment since Cafe de Renee will return at Saturday Night’s Main Event. It’s the Cutting Edge and Foley will be the guest and it will be rated H for Hardcore. This stupid rating crap is getting annoying.

Random Commercial Thought: Castrol needs a new freaking commercial.

They run a Wrestlemania moment of Piper beating up a star as we are reminded we are supposed to think The Cutting Edge is as good. Maria pimps the Bowflex Extreme 2 with Product placement as Trish asks her where Torrie is. Torrie is laid out in her room when Trish finds her, but nobody cares. Torrie has playboy on her chest. The announcers decide to talk about the Hall of Fame instead. They reveal Dibiasi will be inducting Sherry. The next member of the class? Verne Gagne. Greg Gagne will induct him and King tells us hew as the last official AWA champion so he’s looking forward to see him at the ceremony. Coach has to get ready for the contract signing, so they do a rewind of the Cena/Trips situation from last week. Now let’s have a commercial or two.

Random Commercial Thought: As if there weren’t enough little kid baseball movies we get The Bench Warmers. Didn’t we do this movie last year with Bad News Bears?

WWE Unlimited: Best Sign- Trips in a dress reading "Queen of Queens"

Back to the show. Coach introduces him as The King of Kings and Joey all but comes right out and says "Hunter’s gonna win, don’t buy the show." Much bigger reaction for Cena tonight, but the crowd’s been pretty much dead all night. Trips tells John that he was impressed, asking if anybody saw what Cena did last week. Hunter says everything is a formality including the staring, the signing and the matches. He says the crowd can chant all they want, but it won’t help Cena because it’s a forgone conclusion he’ll win because he’s pumping the boss’s daughter. Okay he might not have said that last part. both men sign and Hunter says just like that it was over. He says this is the point that usually he flips the table over and pulls a hammer magically out to bash his brain in. He says he’s the kind of guy who takes every advantage he can get and he’ll manipulate anything. He says he doesn’t need to do it this time to beat Cena.

Cena says he was fired up but Hunter cracks him up now. He asks if the reason why is actually because Cena would actually just the hammer and stick it back up his ass (Which for the record is where I always thought he gets it from.) Both men stand up, but Big Show and Kane’s music comes on. Cena and Hunter look to be teaming up when Hunter flips the table over and retrieves a hammer that actually was there. Kane and Show come to the ring, but Masters and Carlito attacks them. Security floods the arena. Vince appears and says all six of them will see action tonight. Carlito, Masters and hunter against Cena, Show and Kane. Vince says the steel cage is next as we go to commercial. Fin question though first: Vince is still wearing his pee suit. Why?

Random Commercial Thought: Wynona Jud is a pretty fat bitch. You don’t see that in Reality show hostesses often.

Back to the show where the cage is lowering as we get a replay of what happened earlier. Michaels enters to a big pop, followed by the Spirit Squad to absolutely no heat whatsoever.

The Spirit Squad w/ Mitch vs. Shawn Michaels (Handicap Texas Tornado Cage Match)

Mikey climbs into the cage early and Michaels meets him. Squad members keep climbing in and it’s just a really big clusterfuck as Michaels fends them off. The fifth member stays on the outside for some reason. I can’t really keep track of what the fuck is going on. They pick him up and throw him into the mesh steel. The beatdown continues with the Squad forming a stair step for one member to run up and come down on Michaels in the corner, but Michaels ducks and attacks everyone. Michaels hits the flying forearm and lays knocked out. Kenny goes for his leg drop, but Michaels dodges and nips up. Michaels fights them all off, hits a DDT and a scoop slam, before going up for the elbow drop instead of escaping. Michaels fires up and tunes the band, dodging a cross body, hen another leaving three member crushed. Shawn goes to open the door, but Mitch hold it. Shawn bashes him in the face with it and superkicks the last Squad member. As Michaels tries to leave, Shane shuts the door on his head and drags a Squad member on him for the win.
Winners: Spirit Squad

Special Match "Fact": Everyone has been wrestling in a pee covered ring tonight.

After the match, Shane tosses him into the cage walls and dances around the bloody man. What is he a martyr now? Shane asks for the cage to be raised. Shane sets Michaels in a corner for a trash can to be places on him and goes Coast to Coast. Shane mocks Michaels afterward as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I wasn’t really paying attention again. Sometimes these commercials are just so less interesting than pornography....but only sometimes.

As we come back they replay what we just saw again. Trish is asked about what happened to Torrie. She thinks Candice and Victoria said and she now has no partner. Mickie comes up and offers to help. Not like she might have beat up Torrie....Mickie says after the match they can go their separate ways. Trish leaves her and Mickie has a devious smile. EVIL RED HEAD! Coach refuses to take part in the next segment as they tell us Stone cold will return at the SNME for a beer drinking contest.

We go to the back with Vince saying tonight was all about the blood on Michaels. Vince says he’s bringing back a member of the Kiss My Ass club to call the Street Fight, JR. Shane imitates JR’s announcing with a hat on, and says if he doesn’t call the match right, he’ll leave him as a bloody mess. This leaves Vince with a funny look on his face as we go to RVD in the back, but first commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: I let my friends dress me all the time. What’s wrong with that?....Hello?

Back to the show. Flair is on the announce team for this match. Shelton comes out by himself and says his mama is in the hospital for Heart Surgery. He blames Flair. He says he’ll beat the hell out of anyone who- and RVD comes out to interrupt him with his theme.

Rob Van Dam vs. Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin (Intercontinental Title Match)

They tie up and RVD is forced to the corner. Shelton comes back with a snapmare, but RVD recovers quick and forces him to a corner. Shelton knocks him off, but gets tied up in the corner again, the ref has to pull Rob off. Shelton gains control with scoop slams and tries to slam Rob in the corner, but eats it himself. Rob fights back with kicks and sends Shelton to the floor with a dropkick. Rob throws him back in, but Shelton recovers and kicks him as he come sin. Shelton sets RVD on top, and comes to meet him, but Rob catches him with rights. Shelton comes running to the turnbuckle again and slams RVD off of it as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Nashville Star is the musical equivalent of being a popular ROH worker. Only a select few people care.

Rob is being worked over as we come back. Shelton Works Rob over weakly, but Rob fights back with kicks and takes Shelton down to ECW chants. Shelton eaten a wheel kicks and gets crushed in the corner for a Rolling Thunder Splash that picks up two. Shelton lands on his feet out a monkey flips, but the step over wheel kick catches him flat. Rob goes up top and hits a flying side kick to Benjamin on the apron. Rob comes over the ropes and takes Shelton down. Shelton grabs his belt and comes back to the ring as Rob is held back by the ref. Flair grabs the belt and Rob accidentally knocks him off the apron instead of Shelton. Shelton rolls Rob up and grabs the ropes for the three count.
Winner: Shelton

Special Match "Fact": Shelton’s mama’s real name is Thea Vidale.

They pimp the main event as we go to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Somebody was stabbed o death at the Burger King by my house today....So if I don’t show up for a few years you might know why.

Back to the show. They pimps the card for SNME. Carlito and Masters come out. King tells Coach the silence has lasted long enough because every time he sees this entrance it seems to get longer. But Hunter’s entrance is next so you ain’t seen nothing yet. The combined entrances take so long they decide to take a commercial break before they end.

Random Commercial Thought: Airborne Tetris? I’m there!

Back to the show. Show and Kane entered during the break and Cena is next. Apparently Cena will be on Jimmy Kimmel’s show tomorrow. People still watch that?

Triple H, Chris Masters & Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. WWE Champion John Cena and World Tag Team Champion Kane & The Big Show (Six Man Tag Match)

Carlito begins with Big Show and eats shushed chops in multiple corner until Kane tags in. Kane decks Carlito with rights and whips him into the corner for a crushing clothesline. He scoops up the apple-rending fiend and hits the side slam. Masters eats an uppercut and Carlito gouges Kane’s eyes to tag in Hunter. Cena blind tags in and they face off in the ring. hunter backs down and tags in Carlito who looks pissed to be tagged in. Carlito gets in and eats several clotheslines and a big back drop. Masters runs in and takes a belly to belly suplex. Cena turns to star at The Game, but Masters catches him from behind. Masters officially tags in after Carlito gets in some shots.

Masters hits a stalling vertical suplex Masters takes it to Cena’s back and drags his feet out form under him to tag Carlito back in. Carlito stomps on Cena and picks up two. Big Show tags in, and clotheslines Carlito. Cena hits Masters with A SUPERKICK. then decks hunter after a brief stare down. Kane and Big Show clean house with Masters eating the flying lariat. Big Show military presses Hunter then slams him to the mat. Kane and Show set up for a double chokeslam on The Game, but Masters and Carlito attack with chairs drawing a DQ.
Winners: Cena, Show & Kane

Special Match "Fact": Cena needed to cheat to beat Show with an FU last year, but now it works fine by itself. All praise the face powers.

Kane and Show knocks the chairs away and gives chase to the duo down the aisle leaving hunter and Cena. Cena stand sin the ring telling Hunter to bring it on, but the Game just stand son the ramp. Hunter comes to the rope and gets on the apron, when out of nowhere Orton comes from behind and RKO’s Cena for no fucking reason. That was Eugene. The show ends with that. The hell?

Highlight of the Night: A nice match between RVD and Shelton, but nothing special here.

Lowlight of the Night: I would have to say I was annoyed by Orton making a run-in in the Main event. Why the hell would he help Hunter now? Especially since they have to fight each other Saturday? The fuck? It boils down to Hunter didn’t want to be the guy taking the debilitating shot at the end of the show, so Cena did. Can we please throw some dirt on this corpse?

Eugene Award: Piss-a-palooza. What the hell is with Vince and these Attitude Era low-brow sketches that were only mildly funny then and just downright annoying now?

Pimps Just Have More Fun

In the TNeh! Report, TNA returns to it’s old ways and focuses on Jarret beating...Norman Smiley? Seek out Remy and get the full story.

In TWF’s Guest Columns, Kirk Angel returns with the first half of his review of Bret Hart’s DVD.

Derek Burgan returns with more Action Figure goodness in the classic Curtain Jerkers. It’s "Cowboy Up" so read and laugh.

In yet another Retro Rant, it’s Sean Carless with the review of Wrestlemania 21, see how much things have changed (or rather stayed the same) in just a year’s journey.

Dr. Gonzo returns with the Alcohol-Fueled Smackdown Report. Mark Henry in the main event? I’m glad it’s not me.

Finally, the White Vans & Candy have rolled back in with a new edition of WWE song Parodies. Watch as James twists your favorite themes into offensive classics!

And there we have it. Good night and good luck.

 

 

WWE RAW RANT: (03/20/06) By Gershon Levy

Hi-diddily ho neighborino!  It’s your favorite backup Raw Ranter The Gersh (not to mention the ONLY one) here filling in for my main man Cameron because his satellite is on the fritz (not Von Erich).  Honestly, I think he made it up because he didn’t feel like doing this thankless job and honestly, as bad as the product is I can’t blame him.
 
So here we are less than two weeks to Wrestlemania 22, where it all begins again!  By that, I mean we are back to HHH dominating the main event and title picture.  Tonight is the fallout from Saturday Night’s Main Event which I originally was planning to just not watch but my brother asked me to tape it for him so I ended up watching it just before Raw tonight.  It actually wasn’t as bad as I expected but as low as my expectations were that isn’t saying much.  The only announced match so far is a triple threat for the IC belt with Flair, Shelton, and RVD.  Let’s get this mofo mojo in the downlow yo!  If you believe me being ghetto, I got some awesomely cheap pills that just happen to look and taste like Tic Tacs, purely a coincidence I swear.
 
No pre-show Unlimited, a recap of the Street Fight of Shane O Mac and Shawn O Mick then no theme or pyro and we get the damn Spirit Squad in the ring.  A quick hello from the announcers as we are in the King’s hometown of Memphis, Tennessee.  The Queer Eye for the Spirited Guys do a lame cheer and introduce Shane and a live band plays “When the Saints Go Marching In” (or in Vince’s case, when they march in looking constipated).  A ton of balloons and confetti go flying and the male McMahons come in.  Surrounded by security, Vince talks up Shane’s performance at SNME.  Shane then gets on the mic and says it’s all about wins and losses and it’s McMahons 3, Michaels 0 (and the fans negative 25).  The record will go to 4-0 when Vince “annihilates” HBK at Vince’s greatest creation, Wrestlemania.  A big “you suck” chant ensues as Vince says his real greatest creation is Shane and Steph (awwwwww).  Vince reminds us of HBK’s path on the Highway to Hell with his joining the Kiss My Ass Club, taking a urine test, and losing two matches to the Spirit Squad.  Wrestlemania will be a dead end for Michaels and he will become nothing more than a morally bankrupt miserable bastard.  Vince then announces their match will be no holds barred.  There’s also another stop on the highway tonight as Shawn will face HHH.  Joey Styles says that should be a classic, but I realize he wasn’t around for about 100 of their previous encounters.  Cena’s music then hits and enters the confetti filled ring to his usual mixed reaction.  Vince was upset by the interruption and Cena calls him Darth McMahon.  He is tired of HHH backing off when they’re about to fight and then does a pretty good impression of him.  He basically wants a piece of him tonight.  Shane says only the McMahons make the decisions.  It looks like they’re about to go at it when Vince interrupts and says he gets Trips tonight.  Cena is teaming up with HBK to face HHH and Shane.  Shane doesn’t look that excited as Vince dances out of the ring.  We then go to commercial.
 
Unlimited: Tard Grisham comes out while they clean up the ring and does a scan of the signs in the crowd.  In the background I spotted “Got Urine?” which was the only one even remotely funny.
 
Back to the show and Trips walks in on the McMahons and hopes tonight’s match is part of a diabolical plan.  Vince assures him it’ll be OK since he’ll be out there with them.  Trips says that makes things better in a very deadpan voice.
 
Carlito comes out and he’ll be facing the Big Red Machine, Kane.  Ugh, I hate when they do these singles matches which are a lead in to a tag team match.
 
Carlito (w/big afro) vs. Kane (w/ no hair)
 
Kane dominates early on with his size and strength advantage.  Kane catches Carlito in the corner but Carlito gives Kane an excuse to skip his chiropractor appointment and cracks his back.  The Apple Spitter punches Kane in the corner but gets thrown down.  A series of uppercuts from Kane, followed by some turnbuckle clotheslines and a sidewalk slam leads to a top rope attempt but Carlito was ready.  He goes for a moonsault but Kane avoids it.  Chokeslam attempt is averted by an eye poke.  Carlito goes for a springboard but Kane catches him for a chokeslam and win.
 
Winner: Kane
 
Unlimited: Carlito is on the mic saying he needs to talk to Masters and then spouts out a bunch of gibberish, err I mean Spanish.
 
Carlito finds Masters and they are arguing.  Masters says he will show him how it is done by beating Big Show.  A recap of the Hall of Fame inductees followed by the next one and it is the Blackjacks.  OK, I’ve heard of Blackjack Mulligan but this is way before my time.  They were managed by Bobby Heenan so I guess they were good.  The Brain wil be inducting them as well.
 
The theme to “2001: A Space Odyssey” hits although in the movie it didn’t start out with a WOOOO!  Come to think of it, HHH is a lot like HAL in that movie.  Whenever someone deserves a push he says “I’m sorry, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”  Commercial time!
 
Unlimited: Flair is on the mic saying how he still is going even though people keep saying he had his last title run.  Could’ve fooled me.
 
RVD comes out followed by Shelton Benjamin and we are ready for the triple threat match.
 
RVD vs. Flair vs. Shelton Benjamin (Champion): Intercontinental Title Triple Threat Match (otherwise known as one on one with one guy outside)
 
Flair and RVD alternate moves on Benjamin but RVD breaks up Naitch’s pinfall attempt.  After RVD knocks Benji out of the ring, Flair attacks him.  RVD gains control, does what Styles calls the Rolling Thunder, but he splashed Flair, didn’t land on his back.  RVD jumps on both men outside as we go to commercial.
 
Unlimited: Both Flair and RVD are bleeding outside the ring.  Flair throws RVD back inside then brings in Shelton.  Some chops in the corner but Benjamin gains control and knocks Flair out of the ring.  An exchange of punches ensues between RVD and Benjamin.
 
Back on my TV, Benjamin gives Flair a backdrop.  Suplex by Benjamin and Flair breaks up the pin attempt.  Shelton and Naitch exchange some blows and we get the hilarious Flair Flop.  Shelton delivers a Samoan Drop (didn’t know he was the same ethnicity as Rikishi and The Rock).  Another suplex and RVD breaks up the pin.  A real nice northern lights suplex and pin attempt by RVD but only a two count.  Shelton exits the ring and RVD delivers several kicks to Flair, then the actual Rolling Thunder and a split legged moonsault.  Flair sneaks a pin somehow but only two.  RVD delivers a kick from the top then goes for the Five Star but misses.  Flair goes for the Figure Four but Shelton pins Flair while in the hold and gets the three count.
 
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
 
Mick Foley is shown coming to the ring as we go to commercial.
 
Unlimited: Maria is out for the Kiss Cam which is lame except right at the end when a sign is shown saying “Cena??? I want my money back!!!”  So do millions of fans, my friend.
 
Mrs. Foley’s middle aged boy comes to the ring with a few bandages thanks to the tacks in the face he got on Saturday.  He wants to address Edge and he thanks him for speaking the truth by calling him cuddly and that he is running on his legacy.  He said however when he tasted his blood on Saturday it tasted different.  And that was because (bad joke alert) it was Chinese food.  He liked it but he was hungry for more.  Edge’s music hits and out comes Lita looking rather scrumptious for a slut.  Mick keeps looking around for Edge but he is nowhere to be found.  A big HOOOOOOOOOO chant starts and Lita says Mick proved his point.  Edge couldn’t even fly to Detroit because of the Conchairto he got two nights ago.  Lita wants to talk to the warm and fuzzy Mick Foley for a moment and says Edge wants to have a normal match instead of the hardcore one they have scheduled.  Mick asks where the sneak attack is and asks for Lita to slap him and she does.  Edge then runs through the crowd but Mick spots him and runs towards him.  Lita goes for the low blow but Mick blocks it and puts the mandible claw on her while Edge watches in horror. 
 
A reminder of tonight’s main event followed by two bitches walking backstage, otherwise known as Torrie and Chloe.
 
Unlimited: Nay’s precious Victoria comes down to the ring.
 
Back live and the newest match for Wrestlemania is Torrie vs. Candice in a Playboy Pillow Fight.  Unless they get completely naked, I don’t see why I should give a shit.  Torrie comes out and is about to start her match when Candice’s music hits and she comes out carried on a bed.
 
Torrie (w/ a job still somehow) vs. Victoria (w/ a pizza place)
 
Candice throws pillows at Torrie which is just enough distraction for Victoria to deliver the Widow’s Peak and the pin.
 
Winner: Victoria
 
As the divas leave, the Masterpiece makes his entrance.  Coach says that Masters looks almost as good as he does, heh that’s kinda funny.
 
Commercial Comment: The guy in the M&M commercial with the big hair is Noah Weisberg.  How do I know this?  I met him while looking at apartments, cool guy, cooler hair.
 
Unlimited: Masters says if Elvis was in as good shape as he is, that he’d still be alive but instead he was more like the Big Show.
 
Big Show makes his entrance.  We are ready for the other half of the unnecessary tag team split match.
 
Chris Masters (w/ big muscles) vs. Big Show (w/ big appetite)
 
Show follows his partner’s example by dominating with his size and strength.  Outside the ring, Show goes for a kick but misses and gets caught on the ring barrier.  Masters gets a chair and nails Show with it which ends the match.
 
Winner by DQ (not Dairy Queen like he was hoping): Big Show
 
Carlito rams Show into the ring post and walks off looking pretty damn proud of himself.  Newly turned heel Mickie James is shown backstage as we go to commercial.
 
Unlimited: Matt Striker gives a lesson in why blues music isn’t that great.  His lessons are more important than blues music.
 
Back to the show and Mickie’s clap happy music hits and she is sucking on a lollipop.  Damn tease!  A big gift box is in the ring.  Mickie understands that Trish doesn’t want to be her friend anymore.  At Wrestlemania, she plans to beat her for the Women’s title.  She says she had to go to a lot of trouble for her gift and she should come out and open it.  Trish doesn’t and they raise the box and it is someone covered in a black sheet.  Trish comes down to the ring and Mickie reveals the person to be Ashley.  Mickie talks all psycho like and well, really do I need to recap this?  Her boobs are all that matters.  Mickie delivers a big tornado DDT and is bleeding from the nose and plants a big one on Trish.  I am so jealous.  Well maybe not of kissing lips with blood on them.
 
Unlimited: Ashley is carried from ringside and Trish walks back.  Much like the previous segment, I’m not sure why I recapped that.
 
This Week in Wrestling History shows Wrestlemania from 9 years ago with the classic match between Bret Hart and Stone Cold.  The Wrestlemania card is recapped and it looks like I will be saving my money.
 
The self proclaimed King of Kings comes to the ring and he does his proverbial plug for Poland Spring bottled water by spitting it on the front row.  I wonder if those people bring ponchos like they do at Gallagher concerts.  Shane then enters with Vince and a six pack of security guards (though none of them have one unless it’s beer).  Vince gets on the mic before they go to commercial and apparently they timed that poorly.
 
Unlimited: Trips takes the mic from Vince and insults the crowd by saying he hasn’t seen this much crap since the King died.  I think I quoted that wrong but he was implying how Elvis died on the toilet.  This makes HHH’s line “the King of Kings goes back on his throne” REALLY funny.
 
Cena enters first with a very serious look on his face.  HBK follows and runs right after Vince but he is contained by the security.
 
John Cena (WWE Champion) and Shawn Michaels (WWE Martyr) vs. HHH (WWE Overkill) and Shane McMahon (WWE Son of a Bitch)
 
Just as HHH and Cena are about to come to blows, Shane jumps from the top rope and Cena hits him but Vince gets on the mic and disqualifies Cena for using a closed fist.  He makes Cena leave and announces now it’ll be a handicapped match.
 
Shawn Michaels vs. HHH and Shane McMahon (Handicapped Match)
 
Shane puts a beatdown on Shawn then Trips tags in and follows suit.  HBK then gains some offense but Hunter nails him with a spinebuster.  Shane tags in and nails a flying elbow on Michaels and gets a two count.  HHH tags in and gives some of the same closed punches that Cena was disqualified for but Trips comes back and gets a face buster.  Shawn is thrown from the ring and Trips throws him into the ring post.  Back into the ring, Shane tags in and he goes for his series of punches but HBK comes back and is able to nail a flying forearm.  Shane is starting to get up when HBK nips up and gets an inverted atomic drop on Trips, a slam on Shane then goes to the top and delivers an elbow.  Michaels begins to tune up the band but HHH grabs his leg and gives him a 7-10 split on the post (as Joey Styles said).  Trips is about to go for the pedigree while Shane is on the top rope and Cena comes back to ringside and knocks him off.  The security guards hit the ring and they are taken care of finishing with a tandem Sweet Chin Music and FU.
 
Winner: Who the fuck knows?

Vince gets on the microphone and says Cena has hell to pay for interfering.  Next week he will face Vince.  Cena smiles and Vince looks pissed as the show goes off the air.
 
Highlight of the Night:  Umm…boy when I have to think this hard there really wasn’t much.  I’ll go with the Triple Threat Match for the IC belt since at least it had a somewhat clever finish.
 
Lowlight of the Night: The whole Vince-Shawn angle just gets lamer and lamer every week.  I used to love Vince’s segments, but these have just been piss poor (pun intended).  A tie for the opening segment and the main event gets this one.
 
Eugene Award (which I created by the way):  The announcement of a SECOND diva match at Wrestlemania.
 
I don’t usually do the pimp thing (because it’s hard out here) but I do have to mention Sean’s hilarious Straight to DVD satire which made me laugh so hard at work I almost got caught not working.
 
That’s all for this week.  Tune in next week when Cameron will hopefully have his satellite feed working so I can have the option to not watch the show.  Besides, no true wrestling fan has a girlfriend!  I’m sorry Vince, but sex is more important to me than people puckering their lips to your mole ridden ass (Cameron helped me with that one).  As I sign off, I imagine all of you are saying “The Gersh???  I want my money back!” 

 

 

WWE RAW RANT: (03/27/06) By Cameron Burge

It’s time, oh it’s time! And no it isn’t Vader time. It’s time for the April Fool’s PPV. Some of us call it Wrestlemania. But whoa re we kidding? You got to be an idiot to order this piece of crap. So while some of us are going through another dull Sunday night of wasting away in Margaritaville, the rest of you will be watching the Boogeyman powerslam Booker T. Who’s the real winner here?

Raw 03.27.06

Tonight’s show is supposed to feature Cena vs. McMahon. I may or may not survive to see this match considering I also have to make it through a Diva’s tag that has Torrie Wilson in it. According to the Gersh the crowd is hyped here in...Omaha. But really, you could throw the Juniors out there and excite these folks. Anything but tractors.

Vince opens the show with his Muscle & Fitness cover in the background on his wall. He says he’ll be wrestling Cena and we ain’t seen nothing until the Chairman vs. the Champ. In the interest of fairness, Michaels will face Triple H. Vince calls him the King of Kings like that makes perfect sense. This whole little short promo comes off sounding more like the introduction of a Bowflex commercial with Vince playing the part of Chuck Norris (Unfortunately he did not kill anyone with his butt cheek power.) Let it be known that I’m missing Pee Wee’s Big Adventure to see this. The sacrifices I make for you people....at least I think you are people.

Foley is out after theme and pyro send us in proper. Not out of the closet, but at least out to the ring. Foley says he didn’t have the right to give Lita a mandible claw and it was wrong. In order to make it up to her he’s brought El Dandy to the ring...I mean roses. On the ring entrance is a gift for edge in a steel box. He tells Edge and Lita to come get them. Edge calls forth his mighty fog of power and steps out, cutting his own music. Edge says he won’t open it, not knowing what’s inside. Foley says it will be something Edge can use this Sunday. Edge says Foley’s legacy is an ATM account, but pauses for some suck chants. He says the only thing he’ll collect is a paycheck....uh yeah.

He has to pause again for Foley chants. Anyone else ever notice Edge holds the microphone like he thinks he’s a rock star? Maybe he should have listened to Nickleback instead of Alter Bridge. Foley says it isn’t about the money, it’s about the defining Mania moment. He says he won’t be able to hear Edge’s voice because of his own ripped off ear. He wants to hear the sound of Edge’s flesh ripping off and children screaming as they see blood raining down from his skull. After Edgar Allen Poe is finished, he says he wants Edge to hear it when the announcers declares Foley the winner. He says he brought the present to give Edge a chance. Under order, Edge opens the box to find a baseball bat. Edge starts approaching the ring with it saying it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Foley reaches into the rose box to reveal his barbed wire bat was also inside. Edge runs from the ring as Foley swings for the fences at him. They cut away in mid sentence on Joey style to the Rated H video of Edge/Foley. We then go back to Foley rocking his Barbed Wire Bat while the Cactus Jack theme plays and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Cena guest judges on Nashville Star? How the HELL is a rap artist qualified to judge Country singers?

Back to the show where Carlito is in the ring. He claimed Kane’s win was a fluke and asked for a rematch this week. Kane goes to call his pyro and Carlito attacks the knee as he raises his hands. Ingenious.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. World Tag Team Champion Kane

Carlito gets a quick two count. Kane keeps sitting up after even a running dropkick then takes some shot from Carlito. Kane sends Carlito to the corner and runs into a reverse elbow. Carlito leaps into a rear naked choke, but Kane just walks around with him hanging on. Kane finally slams Carlito off and hits a big boot, knocking the man of many hairs to the corner for big rights. Kane nails him fifteen times and hits two running clothesline to the corner coming out with the side slam. Kane goes up top for the lariat and crushes Carlito. He misses a corner charge and Carlito dropkicks the knee. He gets two off a DDT and springboards into a chokeslam attempt. Carlito pulls the referee into Kane’s arms to break the chokeslam grip for the DQ.
Winner: Kane

Special Match "Fact": If this continues the past week’s of continuity, Hunter will do something similar to no ref reaction at all.

Carlito runs from the ring and Kane follows him to the back, attacking him against the wall when Masters, Cade and Murdoch all attack from behind. Kane takes a beating until Big Show mysteriously appears. the four men have locked Kane in a room with a forklift, and he can’t move it because the keys are missing...despite that he’s twice the forklift's size. Eugene.

Masters and Carlito return to ringside to Masters’ music. We cut to the back with Big Show pushing the forklift saying he’ll get Kane out when Kane comes up from behind. He asks Show is he needs any help and Show turns around. He open the door then looks back to Kane asking how he got there. Kane tells us there’s another door and Show says Masters and Carlito aren’t very smart as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I reviewed King Kong in the TWF Entertainment section. If you didn’t read it, you have cancer. Sorry.

Back to the show. You can see some of the Hall of Fame at 11 on Saturday on USA. They haven’t said if it is the whole thing in the commercial or just Bret Hart. Masters is cutting a promo about being tag team champion and nobody breaks his Masterlock. He says Show can’t escape the challenge so Show’s music plays as he arrive with Kane. Kane chases Carlito off through the crowd.

Masterlock Challenge: World Tag Team Champion The Big Show

Show engulfs the poor chair with his gigantic ass as he sits down. Masters has trouble getting his arms around Show’s arms even with them fully lifted. He then refuses to lift his arms for a moment until they try again. Masters can’t get it again and Show looks sleepy. Masters says show is greased up and needs to be wiped down. Masters says he caught Show trying to cheat despite wearing enough grease himself to fry bacon on his back. Masters gets warmed up again and gets the half-nelson before trying to force his fingers into the full. He can’t do it and gets pissed, just attacking Show from behind. Show turns around, chucks the chair and kicks his ass before delivering a chokeslam.
Winner: No Contest

Special Match "Fact": The Big Show has never won a match at Wrestlemania.

They run down the card for the night as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Scary Movie 4 looks even more retarded than the rest.

Back to the show. They run a video package about John Cena's career. As we come back from that, Coach calls Hunter a future Hall of Famer (not as if his career will even ever end. He’ll be the first active Wrestler inducted after his thirtieth title win.) They run down the Hall of Fame inductees Guerrero gets the biggest pop on the list and they reveal our next inductee. Tony Atlas (The first Black Champion in WWF, along with his tag team partner.) Steve Jones will induct him. We cut to Michaels on his way to the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: What the hell does Sleven even mean?

Back to the show where the run what happened at the end of last week’s show. Hunter is played in. So I’m going to take this time to use ye ol’ crapper....Ok, it’s true his entrance is getting longer. It was still going when I got back. He wasn’t even in the ring yet. Michaels shows up and practically runs to the ring.

Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels

The fight breaks out quick with Hunter dominating with heavy blows until Shawn uses a Lou Thesz press to take him down and toss Hunter to the floor. Michaels follows to the outside and beats Hunter all over the outside, sending Triple H over the wall and into the announcers seat. Three idiots are chanting ECW at this. They end up in the crowd again with Hunter getting a back body drop over the wall to ringside again. Michaels chops Hunter down and eats the knee from the overly telegraphed back body drop. Michaels tries to fight free and finally catches hunter with a boot to the face in the corner. Michaels comes off the top, but hunter blocks and goes for a pedigree. Michaels back body drops him over the ropes as McMahon comes out on the ring entrance and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Law and Order is affecting real courts by making Juries expect concrete evidence like that in every trial, thus making them reluctant to convict.

WWE Unlimited: Hunter catches Michaels with a sharp knee.

Back to the match, they replay Unlimited. Hunter is cheered on by Vince as he hits a suplex and beats Michaels on the ground. Hunter puts Michaels in a headlock to pummel him. He sends Shawn to the corner and the two start brawling until Michaels gets clocked dead out of an Irish whip. Michaels is sent to the floor and Trips follows, slamming him into the steel steps to the delight of our EVIL villain mastermind. Michaels turns the table son Hunter, slamming him into the steps then breaking them apart by doing it again.

Both men crawl back in and Hunter leads with a right. Michaels retaliates and they trade blows until Michaels ducks a clothesline and hits the flying forearm. Standing ten count ends with a nip up as Hunter also springs back to life randomly for an inverted atomic drop. Vince trips Michaels and gets on the apron as Hunter goes for a pedigree. Michaels reverses it into a slingshot into Vince and hits the flying elbow. Michaels tunes up but Vince latches onto his legs. Michaels drags him up to the apron and socks him in the face, but turns right into the pedigree. Hunter goes to the apron and looks at Vince, letting him in the ring. Vince holds Michaels from behind as Trips retrieves Sledgy and tosses the ref away. Cena arrives and everyone evacuates but Hunter and Michaels who is still dead.
Winner: No Contest

Special Match "Fact": Two Matches in one night without endings? This might not bode well for the evening...

The crowd is big behind Cena tonight as they face off in the ring. Hunter drops the hammer and they go at it hand to hand with Cena out fighting him, even ducking blows in a cool boxing style counter that sends Hunter to the floor. Vince and Hunter regroup on the ramp as Cena channels Brokeback Mountain with Michaels on the ground and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Thief- Just another movie you’d rather scrape your grandmother’s bunions off than watch.

WWE Unlimited: Michaels will be in Cena’s corner tonight and hunter will be in Vince’s in the main event.

Back to the show. They run Edge winning Money in the Bank. The rerun Unlimited as Ric is played out. There’s a ladder in the ring and a briefcase above it. Ric is dressed in his Geriatric Mafia uniform. Flair has to ask us if he was world champion sixteen times. Because of course, he’s too damn old to remember himself anymore. He says it is his legacy to be world champion one more time. He says he lives in a world where he hears three words: Great, greater, greatest. I live in a world where leprechauns sell me crack cocaine under the rainbow. Benjamin interrupts him and comes out in street clothes looking slick. He says Ric needs a reality check. Shelton says he was born with more athletic ability than anyone else in the match combined. He also says Ric can’t win and Wrestlemania is Shelton's night.

He tells Ric to shove his titles up his ass, earning himself a beating. Shelton just overpowers and whips Flair to the ground, climbing the ladder to the briefcase. RVD arrives and knocks it over, placing Shelton on the ladder and hitting Rolling Thunder. RVD tells Ric to and Shelton to realize it is every man for himself and the MITB belongs to....RVD gets a thumb to the eye and Flair clotheslines him with the ladder. They pimp the main event as we go to commercial. Apparently they will be showing more than just Bret this Saturday.

Random Commercial Thought: I like chicken.

WWE Unlimited: Patterson and Brisco shared a moment.

Back to the show. Is it over yet? The Spirit Squad is here against three other men.

Three Members of the Spirit Squad vs. Val Venus, Viscera & Eugene

Viscera begins with Mikey who backflips away then gets pinned in the corner for chest slaps. He doesn’t have to duck a clothesline since he’s so short he goes under it, but runs into the BossMan Slam. Viscera does Val’s grins over Mikey, but Johnny mounts him from behind. Eugene tags in and rides Mikey in what has to be the gayest match ever. Kenny clothesline him from the outside for Mikey to get two. Kenny hits back elbow for two and tags out. Johnny unleashes on Eugene and does Michael Jackson moves before finishing his combo for two. Johnny assists Mikey’s backflip splash onto Eugene for two after tagging out.

The Squad gets another two on our retarded hero. Kenny hits an elbow drop that looks weak after asking if we are ready. Johnny dances back in and kicks Eugene while he’s down. Eugene powers out and tags in Val who clotheslines everyone. Val hits a backbody on someone and a spine buster on Johnny. He goes up top for the Money Shot, but Mikey knocks him off, using the trampoline to get up high enough and get Johnny the three count.
Winners: Spirit Squad

Special Match "Fact": Nicky was Kerwin White’s caddy.

The Squad attacks with megaphone after match and takes out Viscera before holding Val for the flying legdrop to the elbow. They get on the ramp and do a cheer about Cena, but the crowd drowns part of it out. They run a video package of Hunter’s training sessions. They misspell Ric Flair’s name in this....seriously. Let’s have a commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The coolest moves out there are mine, bitch! *falls down the stairs* .....I’m okay!

WWE Unlimited: Val’s arm is in a sling.

Back to the show. They run a thing about The Fridge being at Wrestlemania 2. He’s being inducted into the hall of fame....by John Cena....oh God. They run down the Wrestlemania card. Joey says Mickie had comments earlier about Trish so they play Mickie in her Trish shrine room saying her new obsession is Trish’s destruction. Trish is in the back watching this when Torrie shows up asking if she’s okay. Is that herpes? Or just the coming signs of a commercial?

Random Commercial Thought: Poker commercials are boring. Sorry guys. They are. Deal with it. Or don’t and get a mental illness later in life. See if I care.

WWE Unlimited: Matt Striker is introduced as "From the Classroom" to pretty much orally pleasure McMahon during the break.

Back to the show. Trish is on her way with Torrie. I see puppies, and a dog. Candice’s music plays out her and Victoria.

Women’s Champion Trish Stratus & Torrie Wilson w/ puppy vs. Candice Michelle & Victoria w/o a last name

Victoria starts off with Torrie. Candice distracts Torrie for Victoria to get in the cheap shot. Victoria hits the Spider’s Web for two and gets pissed that wasn’t it. Candice tags in and stomps on Torrie while doing the Go Daddy dance. I think King gets a quarter every time she says that. Candice kisses Torrie and drills her to the mat before slamming her into Victoria’s foot. Candice goes up top, but Torrie throws Victoria to ram her face into Candice’s crotch and trips her up. Trish tags in and unleashes on Victoria with rights and a chop. Trish does the stupid whirling headscissors then lands the Chick Kick for two when Candice runs in. Torrie drags Candice out and slams her into the announce table, starting a cat fight on the ground. Victoria tries the Widow’s peaks and Trish escapes. Stratus uses the Ma-Trish to dodge a clothesline and hits Stratusfaction for the win.
Winners: Trish and Torrie

Special Match "Fact": ...There was a match? *hides lotion*

They run a Mickie/Trish video package as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: some commercials ran! Amazing right?....right?

Back to the show. McMahon is headed to the ring, followed by Michaels and then Cena. McMahon orders the ref to handcuff both Triple H and Michaels to their ring posts. Except it’s actually the bottom rope, allowing them to move left and right easily.

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon w/ Triple H and Steroids vs. WWE Champion John Cena w/ HBK

Vince doesn’t want to start until he is ready with Cena doing retarded taunts. The tie up and Cena has trouble forcing Vince to move. They break with huge Cena chants. They tie up again and it looks hilarious as Cena acts like he can’t overpower Vince. How much does Vince’s ego fucking need? Vince goes to a side headlock on Cena who has trouble escaping, but forcing the arms over Vince’s head and down to the mat. Vince gets up and bitchslaps Cena making him laugh. They do the old knuckle lock and Cena gets overpowered until he rises back and pushes Vince to his knees, crying and gaping. Cena gets the full knuckle lock and yanks him up and down until Vince kicks him in the nuts.
Winner: Cena

Special Match "Fact": Cena’s first TV match was actually against Randy Orton just after the brand split.

Vince takes the keys to the handcuffs and uncuffs Hunter. Hunter brings Sledgie as Cena gets up and takes a stiff shot to the face. Michaels is still cuffed to the ropes as Hunter asks Vince if he wants him to take out Michaels too. Hunter taunts Michaels with the key making him dart his hands for grabs at it. Vince grabs a chair and Hunter hits him in the gut with the hammer before Vince bashes him with the chair. They drape Cena next to Michaels on the rope and pose for a picture together as the show goes off the air in a very Eugene moment.

Highlight of the Night: Kane outsmarts everyone and takes a note from JBL, using the back door.

Lowlight of the Night: Three non-endings in one night, the show before Wrestlemania? That is NOT the way to build interest for me.

Eugene Award: Vince and Trips get their power trip on in the main event. How retarded was it that Vince can overpower John Cena at all?! Then Trips gets to beat everyone with a hammer to cap it off. No, we aren’t feeding any egos at all. [/sarcasm]

Pimps are the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread.

First and Foremost, thanks to Gersh covering for me when my satellite went out last week.

Kirk Angel is back. This time he reviews the match on Bret Hart’s DVD over in TWF Guest Columns.

In FIRST EVER (enough caps yet?) It’s TWF RADIO (apparently not.) Sean Carless and Joe Merrick put together this audio masterpiece of hilarity. Download. Listen. Love. Send money.

Remy is back and so is...Scott Steiner? Steiner rules supreme over a new kingdom in the TNeh! Impact Report.

The island of lost toys has never been the same since getting a visit from Eric Bischoff and Triple H in episode four of Derek Burgan’s Curtain Jerkers.

The Classic Clustershmazz by our own Harry Simon is back. It’s Behind the Pyro with Ultimate Warrior.

Doctor Gonzo drinks his way through Friday nights with the ever entertaining Alcohol-Fueled Smackdown Report.

When he can’t find column ideas what does ace columnist James Walker fall back on? Why, whatever worked before of course! It’s Where Are They Now VI over in the White Vans & Candy.

And that is all we have for you. This well is dry, so quit dropping your buckets just to hear the funny clanging sound, you ADHD riddled losers.