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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (February 2006)

 

 WWE RAW RANT: 02/06/06 by Cameron Burge.

First off, to whoever it was that sent me the e-mail, pointing out my Aqua Teen Hunger Force reference last week: thank you. I usually reply to all my e-mails, but I accidentily deleted yours, sorry about that.

The Superbowl is over, and depending on who you ask, the Steelers got along with a little help from there friends (*coughrefereescough*). Now, however, the season has entered into my most hated section of the year. A day is nearing that fills my mouth with bile and chills my very soul as if Satan himself had passed over my very grave.

Valentine’s Day

I know there is still time for me to finish building my reinforced, concrete shelter the likes of which may well put most bomb shelters of the era of the Cuban Missile Crisis to shame, but I don’t care. I hate this holiday. Next to New Year’s which is the celebration of "HOORAY GRAVITY WORKS AND WE WENT AROUND THE SUN, WHOOO!", Valentine's Day is my least favorite holiday. Maybe it’s because I’m a cantankerous, lonely guy who can never seem to keep a girlfriend through this period of the year....but I’m going to blame everyone else instead. That’s right., I blame you. Right there in the chair with the Cheetoh -stained Star Wars shirt. It’s your fault.....you ass.

Now, I’ll probably have more to rant about this subject by next week, but Raw will be preempted for the dog show, a day most blue-haired old biddies would rather die of heart attacks like their shriveled old husbands did than miss, and for now it’s time for wrestling. Let us begin.

Raw 02.06.06

Show opens with a Wrestlemania montage saying the road to Wrestlemania starts tonight...even if they have been saying that since before the Rumble. Maria introduces Edge as the former WWE champion and Edge arrives with Lita as the promise tonight was for Lita to explain what she did last week. Maria accuses Lita of blasting Edge with the title and Edge tells her to shut up. Edge says he is pleased to announce that live next week (during the dog show?) there will be a huge match between him and John Cena. Edge says they can boo all they want since he gets a rematch because the DQ counts as a victory (how does that even make any sense?). He mentions that people were worried Edge was losing Lita and she might go to Cena. HE says Lita may have intentionally cost Cena the match, but the only person who can really the answer the question is her. He asks her, but says he doesn’t think so because he’s for moves ahead of us dumbasses (how did he know?!). He says Lita isn’t the issue, the issue is him defeating Cena for the title. Edge says the winner of the Wrestlemania tournament will face him.

He turns to Maria and says that when she introduces him, she won’t smile and bat her eyes, because he’ll no longer be the former WWE champion. She says he should be happy to be a former champion and Lita says she has this one. She calls Maria a dummy and tells her to take her microphone and her pretty lips to announce Edge as the Future champion instead of Former. She does so and Edge’s music plays to be interrupted by Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s music.

Duggan busts a groove all the way down the aisle as he calls for Lita with his big Board. Hacksaw tells Edge to take it easy. He says he’ll be calling the Cena/Edge match straight down the middle and starts a USA chant. Edge asks what the hell USA has to do with this. Edge accuses Jim of making Lita’s life a living hell for the past few weeks and he says "Why? because I called her a-" Edge cuts him off the but the crowd finishes it for him with chants. He tries again and the same happens. He finally says he won’t call her that before changing his mind and calling her out. Edge decks him and grabs the board to knock Duggan out of the ring with it.

Lita starts assaulting Maria who is getting her own chants now for some reason. Lita throws Maria around by her hair and Edge sets up for the Spear, but Cena run in and assaults him. Edge and Lita escape down the aisle and his music plays for the third time in ten minutes in case we haven’t memorized the words to his shitty theme yet. Cena checks on Maria as they hype the first tournament match of Kane/Masters and we go to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Mission Impossible 3- We SWEAR, it really is impossible this time! Honest!

Back to the show and Kane is here with his prop belt...did those belts used to be used for something? Three years later, Masters eventually finishes his entrance as well to start this match.

World Tag Team Champion Kane vs. Chris Masters (Road to Wrestlemania Tournament Match)

The tie up and Kane is forced to the corner, where he kicks his way free, sending Masters to the other corner and whipping him into a reverse elbow. Masters dodges and elbow drop and mounts Kane in the corner unlike a gay cowboy, for punches (not the donkey kind). Kane rallies back and goes for a back body drop that gets himself a swinging neckbreaker. Kane sits up and throws Masters in the corner. He runs into a reverse elbow and Masters snake eyes him in the corner.

Masters sets up for the Masterlock, but Kane turns around and short uppercuts him in the jaw. Kane gets some boots to the face and clotheslines in the corner before planting Chris with a side slam and going up top. Kane flies off, and Masters reverse the lariat into a Masterlock. Kane counter out of that into a chokeslam, but Masters gouges the eye. Masters ducks a clothesline, but only gets the half nelson on when Kane drop out. Kane regains momentum and scoops Masters out of the corner, but Masters goes for the Masterlock again. Kane escapes again, and Masters reverses into a rollup, holding the ropes for the win to face either Carlito or RVD.
Winner: Masters

Special Match "Fact": The lead character of the Stephen King story Rage (written as Richard Bachman) is saved from a sniper’s bullet by a Masterlock in his breast pocket...how he got Chris Masters in there is still a mystery.

In the back, Edge says he thinks Lita should be the special referee to Vince. He says he thinks Lita might be a little biased. Lita asks if he can convince him. He asks if Edge is seriously letting Lita come onto him and then decides that is good. He says he will allow Edge to have the opportunity to name Lita as the special referee. Lita and Edge will go against Maria and Cena for the right to name the referee. We go to Ashley warming up for her rematch with Mickie as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: We find out that Raw will be run on Thursday next week. Damnit...

Back to the show where Trish is back to referee the rematch. They run the footage of Ashley calling Mickie a psycho and getting her big-titted ass kicked. Ashley is out next and they ring the bell for some reason...even though only one contestant is in the ring. Mickie arrives and does her Trish taunts before starting us off.

Mickie James vs. Ashley (Special Referee: Trish Stratus)

Mickie suddenly snaps and decks Ashley, stomping on her. Ashley gets tossed around by her hair before getting in a shot to the gut. Mickie gets whipped to the corner and catches Ashley with a reverse elbow. Ashley reverses a headscissors and hits some stiff right hands. Ashley ducks a flying forearm and Mickie accidentally clobbers Trish. Mickie stops to check on her so Ashley rolls Mickie up and Trish counts the three. Trish runs from the ring immediately after.
Winner: Ashley

Special Match "Fact": WWE obviously learned its lesson and kept this rematch mercifully short for all those forced into watching it.

After the match, Trish and Ashley book it with Mickie looking confused as hell. They pimp the next tournament match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Note to self- Never berate the hot sistahs.

WWE Unlimited: The Spirit Squad shows up. The Spirit Squad- Where Boners go to die.

Back to the show. The rerun unlimited to which the crowd reacts as if they were running the highlights of Brokeback Mountain. Which when you stop to think about it, there isn’t much difference. King makes his vote for who he thinks will win the tournament on WWE.com and elsewhere backstage Mickie tells Trish she made the right decision tonight. Mickie says she really does love her as a friend and some metrosexual loser shows up. Trish says he is her date and leaves with him at which point Mickie switches to the most conniving evil glare I’ve ever seen outside of a cartoon.

Elsewhere, Shelton tells his mama he has to confront Flair because he was called a Mama’s boy again. He says he has to go get his cell phone and she tells him not to leave her because every time he does some freak shows up. First it was Viscera then it was Hannibal Lector's baby brother, Goldust. Shelton convinces her nothing will happen to her. The door closes and someone approaches from behind, she of course thinks it is Shelton. A hand gives her a Shelton action figure and she awes over it before turning to find Eugene. Eugene says he saw her in Big Momma’s House 2 and tries to "take off her wig" when Shelton arrives. Shelton runs Eugene off. The announcers pimp Triple H’s match against some other guy (like he’s going to lose) as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’ve heard that Big Foot can dance pretty well to Staying Alive (and you’ll only get that joke if you’ve seen A Goofy Movie).

Back to the show. They run the Wrestlemania moment of Pete Rose eating a tombstone from Kane. All the while we have to listen to that shitty 80’s style "Big Time" song. Jesus, it sucks so bad. Hunter is here to cheers for some reason. I have no idea why. After what seems like forever, Flair finally gets to have his entrance as well.

Intercontinental Champion Ric Flair vs. Triple H (Road to Wrestlemania Tournament Match)

Flair begs out of a tie up to slick back his hair and whoo before tying up for real. hunter sends Flair down with a shoulderblock and Flair catches him with a big powerslam. Hunter recovers and forces flair to the corner, but Ric turns the tables and chops him down. Hunter comes back out and counters a backbody drop with a knee to the noggin. hunter goes for the pedigree, but Flair back body drops him over the ropes as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Must...see....Final Destination 3...can’t...resist....

WWE Unlimited: Flair whips Hunter into the steps to gain the advantage.

Back to the match. Flair is unloading on Hunter who is on his knees in the ring. Trips falls after a chop to the chest. Flair continues to dominate Hunter in the corner and the Ten Time champ looks dead when all of a sudden he unleashes a spine buster and pops up fresh as a daisy. Trips drops a knee on Flair’s temple and stalks him to the corner. Trips goes ballistic with rights in the corner and Flair comes out in a boxing stance before planting himself with the Flair flops. Hunter drops the knee again for two.

Hunter suspends Flair for a big delayed vertical suplex and picks up another two count that seems a little slow. Hunter adjusts his spandex and then drags Flair up. Ric chops his way to momentum, but Hunter nails a swinging neckbreaker. Hunter mocks Flair’s strut then goes for the figure four, but Flair kicks him into a corner and rolls him up for two with a schoolboy.

Flair chops Hunter to death in the corner and seems to simply fall over when Hunter catches him with an elbow. Hunter gets on the second turnbuckle and jumps off into a boot to the face. Hunter staggers with horrible over acting and Flair goes to work with chop blocks. Flairs goes up top and Hunter goes for the Flair flips, but Flair knocks him off and hits the flying sledge for two. Flair chops hunter back down and locks up the figure four in the dead center of the ring.

Hunter screams like a little girl as the crowd almost unanimously screams for him to tap. Hunter actually grabs the ropes and Flair puts him in a corner after letting off the hold. Flair "accidentally" catches the ref with a thumb to the eye and racks Hunter big time. Flair chops hunter some more and all of a sudden, hunter nonsensically hits the pedigree and gets the three count. The fuck?
Winner: Triple H and definitely not logic

Special Match "Fact": Triple H will win this tournament. What? You expected something more than the truth?

King gets his jollies buy running Candice’s unedited GoDaddy commercial. It sucked. Anyway, Maria is in the back with Cena saying she can’t do the match tonight. She goes on and on with Cena trying to shut her up so they make out and she shuts up. Cena gives her a smack on the ass and leaves her there with a big grin on her face. The pimp Michaels/Show as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I hate weddings. Seriously. I do....but I like cake, so I go anyway.

WWE Unlimited: Tard interviews Trips who by the sound of his voice has been temporarily possessed by the spirit of Mickie Mouse.

Back to the show. Big Show arrives after they pimp the shitty Peter Gabriel album (KILL HIM! PLEASE!) and Michaels is right after him. Vince immediately follows and says it is Shawn’s lucky night because Shane isn’t here because he’d kick his ass again (Zorak style). Vince says he has changed his mind about Shawn’s choice of walking out. Vince says he will let Shawn walk out on his contract right now and even insists it because next week they will have a Shawn Michaels retirement party is Shawn signs on the dotted line next to Vince’s signature, promising not to sue him and his career will be over. He tells everyone to shut up. The crowd gives him a "you suck" chant and he says they are referring to their own city. He says that since Shawn will retire next week and asks if they don’t want Shawn to retire. He says Shawn’s appearance is mandatory and tonight he has been replaced in the tournament with....Shelton Benjamin.

Random Commercial Thought: Waiting is a lot like working for Wal-Mart except with more feud and less useless crap nobody actually needs but buys anyway.

World Tag Team Champion The Big Show vs. Shelton Benjamin w/ his Momma (Road to Wrestlemania Match)

The match is already underway and Show is tossing Shelton around. Show hits a couple of shushed chops as Shelton cries like the momma’s boy he portrays. Shelton gets crushed in the corner as his momma cheers him on. Big show sets Shelton on the top rope for another shushed chop and climbs up to meet him. Shelton punches wildly and jumps to the floor from the top rope, dragging Show’s head on the top rope. big Show stays on his feet, so Shelton lands the dragonwhip, but he’s still up. Shelton hits the springboard bulldog, but only gets one. Shelton pins Show again and picks up two, but Show THROWS him off. Shelton keeps running into clotheslines then and eats a powerslam.

Show crushes Shelton in the corner again and Show runs through both Shelton and the referee. Shelton’s momma grabs Show’s foot and Shelton runs at him, but gets tossed off. Show and Momma argue and Show turns right into a Superkick that sends him to the outside. Shelton slingshots over the ropes and eats a stiff shot to the gut before being pressed back into the ring. Shelton’s momma starts screaming "no" again and again and grabs Show who turns on her and screams "Don’t touch me!" She looks like she shit her pants as Show gets back in the ring and Shelton’s momma passes out in the floor clutching her chest. Show chokeslams Benjamin and picks up the three.
Winner: Big Show

Special Match "Fact": It is said that before you die, your life passes before your eyes. This is true, it’s called living.

The referee and Show see her at ringside and call for the paramedics. The paramedic says he isn’t getting a pulse sending chills up my sine of another Al Wilson/Eddie’s Mother angle. Shelton comes over and tries to break through the crowd as people as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Confucius say: Fat bitch put more in hole one than come out hole two.

WWE Unlimited: The paramedics wheels out Shelton’s mama.

Back to the show they run another Wrestlemania package and I have to mute my TV because I hate that song SO DAMN MUCH. They switch to their best Owen Hart voices (Joey hasn’t gotten to practice his before) and say they wish the Benjamin family the best. In the back, Tard interviews Carlito and he gibbers in Spanish a bit before Tard tell shim to switch to English if it does him well. Carlito does and says he belong sin the main event before chewing on an apple. They run a video package of Rey/Orton.

Carlito trots out to face off with RVD. Rob, who hasn’t said shit since he got back skips his thumb entrance to roll in and chase off Carlito.

Rob Can Dam vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool (Road to Wrestlemania Tournament Match)

Carlito and RVD brawl on the outside as Joey goes into JR mode, saying RVD is a long time friend of his. Carlito is rolled into the ring to officially start the match and stomps on RVD as he come sin. RVD unleashes a kick combo that sends Carlito to the floor where RVD slams him into the security wall. RVD drapes him over the wall and delivers shots to the gut before getting on the ring apron and hitting a corkscrew leg drop on Carlito while he’s draped on the wall. As we go to commercial, ECW chants begin.

Random Commercial Thought: Since tobacco is so harmful to smoke, smoke crack instead and stop these damn Truth commercials.

WWE Unlimited: RVD planted himself face first on the security wall by jumping from the top rope.

Back to the match. Carlito has RVD in a chin lock. Carlito floors RVD and picks up a two count before whipping RVD to the ropes and landing a reverse elbow for another two. Carlito returns to the dreaded chin lock as RVD chants begin. Rob dropkicks the knee and hits a corkscrew leg drop into the rolling thunder splash. He stops then does a full rolling thunder senton to pick two. Carlito dodges the split-legged moonsault and pulls the tights in a rollup for two of his own. Carlito is flabbergasted and almost gets rolled up himself. Carlito pulls off a summersault springboard senton from NOWHERE and gets two.

RVD blocks a German suplex and tries to elbow out, but Carlito converts to the back cracker instead for two. Carlito gets pissed and grabs a chair from ringside. The ref and Carlito fight for the chair, leaving Carlito in position for the Van Daminator which Joey Styles takes time to explain how RVD can not be DQed for it. As Joey does this, RVD hits the Five Star and gets the win, putting him one step closer to burial at the hands of Triple H.
Winner: RVD

Special Match "Fact": If RVD’s Frog Splash is worth five stars, why is he the only guy who ever hurts himself doing it?

The announcers show us the results of the online polls with the fans saying RVD will win, but Triple H got second, and hilariously Michaels had third. The pimps the main event and the Michaels retirement party for next week as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m not quite sure what I would do if a chicks tits spun around on her body like that, but I’m pretty sure I would blow a blood vessel in my eyes.

Back to the show, they run a bit for the top matches of ECW coming out on a two disc set, "Bloodsport: ECW’s Most Violent Matches." Afterward, Lita and Edge head to the ring as they re-run what happened with Maria and Lita earlier. Forget poor Hacksaw. Maria and John arrive and Edge attacks Cena from behind.

WWE Champion John Cena & Maria vs. Edge & Lita

Cena counters the assault and whips Edge to the corner, catching Edge with a Fisherman suplex on the rebound. Edge plants Cena on the steel ring post and Edge forces a tag between Cena and Maria with her screaming that she doesn’t want to. Edge hits an implant DDT on Cena as he waits for Maria and whips Cena into the steel stairs on the outside. The ref continues to tell Maria to get in, so she begs with Edge. Lita comes over and throws Maria over the ropes before planting her face first on the ground. Lita kicks her in the ass and slaps it as well in a bit of a weird moment.

Lita chokes Maria out on the bottom rope by standing on her back and Edge distracts the ref while Lita jumps onto her in that position. Lita nails Maria with a knee to the face and hits a side Russian leg sweep.

Lita goes for a spear in the corner and misses, when Maria dodges and makes the tag. Cena unleashes clotheslines on Edge and goes the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Lita distracts him for Edge to grab him form behind. Lita goes up top and comes off, but John ducks and Lita hits the Litacanrana on Edge. Lita flashes Cena to get him to leave her alone, but Edge comes in with a spear, that Cena dodges so Edge impales Lita instead. Maria tags herself in and picks up the pin on Lita.
Winners: Cena & Maria

Special Match "Fact": I like big butts and I can not lie. You other brothers can't deny that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung (BABY GOT BACK!).

Cena says he gets to pick his ref and says he found the perfect person in the back tonight to be the ref and says it is the perfect person for their match in case Edge feels a little hardcore. Some cars collide and Mick Foley strolls out as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Carlito/RVD really delivered, but the whole tournament is pretty pathetic. The talent pool is obviously horrible when you can’t have a number one contender’s tournament without three of the contenders being the other champions on the show.

Lowlight of the Night: Shelton’s Momma’s heart attacks. That was retarded as fuck. I’m sick of stupid shit like this ruining otherwise decent angles and matches.

There’s a Little Bit of Pimp in All of Us

James Walker has big balls, but that ain’t because he’s packing more ammo than any women can handle. hear about James’ disturbing tale of Testicular Torsion in the latest, drop-dead funny edition of White Vans and Candy.

Renee grits her teeth and goes one on one with the V-man himself in her brand spankin’ new (heh, "spankin’"...) Just a Thought.

What’s the world coming too? When the A-team is down and the B-team is on vacation, who can we turns to but the C-Squad? Canadian Bacon of all people fills in for Gonzo with the Smackdown Report. You have been warned. Don’t forget to also read Bacon’s new additions to the Bacon Hall of Fame in Bringin’ Home the Bacon....on second thought, do forget.

Kirk Angel of message board fame (well okay, he’s not famous, but bear with me) shows up in the Guest Columns this week with the New Monday Night War.

In a Vault update, Harry Simon returns with a review of The Bad Guy’s Coliseum Video: Razor Ramon.


That is all. This rant will self destruct in ten seconds.

 

 

WWE RAW RANT: (02/17/06) By JAMES WALKER

Monday had a dog-show, Cameron and Gersh both have lives, and Sean bribed me with jelly beans. That’s right folks, the almighty White Van pulls into.. whatever the hell city this show is being aired from tonight.. and delivers you all the Raw goodies. Hee hee, that sounds creepy.

 

I feel like pre-rambling a little more, so here’s the part of the rant where I tell you that I actually saw this show three nights ago, while you Americans got to deal with Fluffy Maximillion sitting on his hind legs. Then again, despite the fact those dogs have a pre-set routine known by everyone, I still think it’s more unpredictable than Raw…

 

Anywho, let’s get it on! Sexually!

 

Am I the only one what misses the classic Raw is War theme? You know,

It’s my life in the box and charred the beat

Mumble mumble, suckin’ on the teet

Canadian Tire, your aerosol leaves me face down

He’ll rent the porn, what a guy!

 

Anyways. Styles is all like “I’m Joey Styles”, Coach is all like “I’m Coach”, and Jerry Lawler is all like “I’m not wearing any pants”, and we’re opening the show with a Road to Triple H’s inevitable Wrestlemania Main Event Tournement match!

 

Triple H w/ his regained ego VS Big Show w/ a thousand Eggo waffles

 

Hunter Pearl Harbor’s Big Show, but it seems Show’s feud with Akebono DID teach him something, and he resist that asian-style attack. You know, I love how the announcers rag all over Hunter for getting the ‘cheap shot’, even though Hunter is giving up 200 lbs, and Big Show is a guy who’s powerbombed Eddie Guerrero (hey, if the WWE is going to continue to mention, there’s no law saying I can’t) on a windshield, baseball swung a stretchered Rey Mysterio on to a ring post, AND flipped a car in front of Torrie Wilson. I mean, really, that last one was just going TOO FAR! Billy Kidman might not be able to stand up for Torrie, but Hunter can! (Did you catch the pun? You should have.)

 

Oh yeah, match. Typical “RAWR BIG SHOW” offence for the first bit, and Hunter ends up all kerfluffled on the outside, but he suckers Show into running into the ring post, causing the big man to “BLEED LIKE A STUCK PIG”. Oh JR, how I miss your inane ramblings. Anywho, I don’t see the big deal about the cut. Big Show’s hands are the size of a first aid kit, so why doesn’t he just whip himself up friendly sutures? Geez.

 

Commercial Thought: This is James recapping, so you won’t get any damned commercial thoughts. Oh, and no Unlimited thoughts either. Hey, I’m not 3rd string for nothing.

 

Back to the action, and Big Show is back on top… just don’t tell Joy Giovanni, it might hurt the “special” relationship. Oh, by the way, I have a “special” date with a bottle of Jergens hand cream tonight, but you don’t hear me bragging! Well, aside from right there. Show calls for the Chokeslam, but eats a DDT. That’s not slang, he actually ate a DDT, he’s that fat. Big show is staggering up… Hunter lands a shitty looking Pedigree? .. Kickout at two? Wow. Considering Show’s been covered in shit before via a pooptruck, I figured a pinfall was a given. Hunter is all “OMGWTFBBQ”, which leads to Big Show hitting… an emerald frosion? What that hell is with all asian references in this match? Another chokeslam try, and a poke to the eyes. Now, why wouldn’t a wrestler where some goggles to defend that? I guarantee, if people thought like me, Flair would have never gotten past a feud with Paul Jones. Chokeslam lands, but Hunter gets the foot on the ropes. This match has said the proverbial “fuck it” to actual building towards a finish, and is just swapping finishers back and forth. To the outside, Show whips Trips hard into the steps. Show charges, and once again, Hunter goads him into running into the post. Show, you’re a smart man. Ref’s count is getting up there, and as Hunter goes to roll back in, Show pulls him back out, as the ref reaches 10.

 

Winner: Double Countout (!)

 

Commercial .. uhh.. ‘Pensées’: I can’t believe Hunter didn’t go over. Granted, Show didn’t either, but I thought this whole tourney was going to be all “I AM HUNTER, I AM GREAT, TRA LA LAAAA”. Yes, just like that.

 

Back to the show, and we see a video about.. how HBK lost his smile. Don’t worry Shawn, McDonald’s gives out free ones!

 

Backstage, Metrosexual interviewer #4 finds out that Hunter nor Big Show is gone from the tournament, as there will be a triple threat match next week. You know, that’s kind of a rip-off for the winner of the RVD-Masters match. Haku & Rick Martel, Tito Santana & Paul Orndorff, Ultimate Warrior & Goldust, Faarooq & Vader, and Rene Dupree & Undertaker should be pissed that they didn’t get the same treatment. Oh, we also find out that if Shelton can beat up a retard, he’s the #1 contender to one of the most prestigious belts in the wrestling business – and they say the rosters are thin!  

 

Elsewhere, Foleys blabs about being ‘fair and impartial’ with Edge, which really means ‘haw haw, you’re going to get screwed over because you were too over in the main event and drawing too high ratings so now you’ll have to have a slapped together feud with me for Mania, despite the fact that you’ve clearly earned better’. Well, maybe not, but that’s all I heard.

 

Commercial ‘Sentiments’: I’d like to pass along the fact that I’m eating some stale pizza, and washing it down with gummi worms. I think I should be fat, but I’m Buff. AND I’M THE STUFF.

 

Back, and Eugene mentions Big Momma’s House, something which Sean *totally* didn’t do 2 months ago.

 

Shelton Benjamin w/Big Momma VS Eugene w/Big Drool

 

Gene-o the (broken) Machine-o hits on the Big Brown Goddess of Fake Motherly Love, which causes the Well Built Brown God of Fake Sport Performing to act all mean, and such. You know, because Eugene is the best person to have oppose a heel; look how well it worked for Triple H and Kurt Angle! Anyways, before I can even finish writing those two sentences, this match is over with Shelton picking up the clean win off the T-Bone. Bush might be all bout “no child left behind”, but Vince is all about “every addict pushed aside”… aside from all the other ones.

 

Winner: Benji the DAWG.

 

Post match, Shelly grabs a mic and says he’s gonna beat Flair next week. The crowd shrugs and say “it’d probably be for the best, really”.

 

Another HBK Video, this time of the MSG incident. I think this is the official “Hey, the IWC is right” night.

 

‘Paid advertising’ thoughts: Did you know that I wrote an obituary for a cheesecake? Don’t believe me? [Find out for yourself]

 

Torrie Wilson w/Candice & Chloe & Chlamydia vs Ashley w/o a job in a year

 

Tits with a cheapshot on Stank Hole. Breasts shoves Baby Maker’s face into Chloe’s ass. Lady Lumps slaps around Abused Vagina. Cooter botches a crucifix on Nipples McGee, and ‘saves’ it with a roll up for the 3.

 

Winner: Not Christy Hemme, that’s fer danged sure.

 

Post Match, Go-Daddy-Guzzler eases Boobs’ disappointment to being on her back for only 3 seconds by announcing she’ll be in playboy! WOW! WHO’DA THUNK IT. She then reveals that she is indeed wearing underwear. WELL I NEVER!

 

More “HBK is a jackass” stuff; this time it’s all about Bret. You know, this is really a bad way of pushing towards Mania – providing actual evidence as to why HBK is a bad person. That’s like Bush having an ad campaign saying ‘Hey, there might not have been weapons of mass destruction, but we killed some dirty arabs, GO ME!’.

 

“Lets all go to the lobby and get ourselves a treat” thoughts: What is ‘Froot’, and why is in being shaped into ‘Loops’? HMM?

 

Hey look, it’s HBK’s retirement party. I’d love to retire from my career on live televison, I don’t know why Shawn is so pissed. Anyways, do I really need to recap this? You all know how it goes down.

 

Vince: “Sign ittttttttttttt”

HBK: “But I don’t wanna!!!”

Vince: “Do iiiiiiittttttttttttttttttt”

HBK: “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!”

Vince: “Well, yes, I am”

 

We also get a Spirit Squad appearance, where they cheer their way all the way to X-Pac heat.

 

In the end, HBK rips up the contract and Vince is all “GRR YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS SHAWN, BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL”. Ok, maybe not that last bit, but it’d have been sweet.

 

100000 pennies/30 seconds for your thoughts: Could I be any less hyped for Mania? No, I think not.

 

Back from the break, and going to the Hall of Fame is… BRET HART.

 

I’ll repeat that.

 

Going to the Hall of Fame is… BRET HART.

 

You know that part of this rant where I said I couldn’t be any less hyped for mania? Yeah, that turned out to be a lie.

 

Chris Masters VS RVD, winner gets to job to HHH next week.

 

RVD goes all kicky on Masters, and Masters goes all hossy on him. Instead of a proper recap, I’d like to offer exhibit A, Chris Masters from OVW:

 

 

And now, exhibit B, Matthew McConaughey, from such films as Two for the Money, and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days:

 

 

I don’t think I need to say anything more.

 

Anywho, RVD’s been busting out some jumpy flippy twisty kicky stuff, and Masters has landed… a cushy spot on the roster? Sounds right. RVD sells like a maniac for the big lug, which wouldn’t be so bad if Masters actually looked like he was trying. We’re talkin’ finger poke of doom stuff here, folks. In the end, we see RVD go up for the 5 star, Masters crotches him, climbs up, gets booted down, and RVD lands it anyways. RVD will sell an elbow like no tomorrow, but won’t sell a nut shot. Makes you wonder.

 

Winner: rob WHITE VANS AND CANDY dam

 

Backstage, Trish’s gentleman lover arrives in the female locker room looking for Ms. Stratus. You know, every time I try that, I get slapped with a lawsuit. Go figure. Anywho, Mickie in a Trish wig tries to seduce Mr. Stratus, but the guy proves he’s queer by shooting her down. This prompts cries of rape, and the guy gets escorted out by security. Aww, this reminds me so much of my prom.

 

Publicity Theorization: I put bacon on every sandwich I make. Including peanut butter and banana. I also lie a lot.

 

Did you know that Stacy was on a TV show that gets bigger ratings than Raw? Good thing she doesn’t have a title belt; she’d have to lose it to John Cena.

 

Backstage, Trish discovers what happened with her actor and Mickie. You know, I think that scene was just a clever way of Vince refuting the tanning salon claims laid (pun!) against him, for the only way Vince thinks a woman wouldn’t want him is if she’s a psycho lesbian.

 

Another video sees the highlights of the Cena VS Edge feud... Really, it should have been “Edge wins the title, Cena calls Lita a Ho, Cena wins the title back”, but they somehow stretched it to “Cena loves puppy dogs and Edge murders babies”.

 

JAAAAAAAAAWN CEEENUHHHHHH VS Edge w/Lita & a bullshit Wrestlemania match

 

Cena is God, Edge is a pussy, Cena is God, Edge is a pussy, Cena is God, Edge is a pussy, Cena is God, COMMERCIAL!

 

Propaganda Beliefs: Did you know there’s a Smackdown Pay Per View this weekend? Do you care?

 

We’re back, and Cena is doing stuff which is apparently ‘offence’. By the way, what’s up with all this ‘Click’ shit that Cena is wearing? Upon research, it proved to be some half-ass attempt by the WWE to give John is own clothing brand, except that the only person who wears that shit is him and 12 year old assholes. In that case, Feinstein’s semen counts as a clothing company.

 

Anywho, Edge goes for a superplex, Cena shoves Edge down. Edge gets up again, and gets pushed down, again. Life imitates art, eh? Cena lands a splash off the top for two, and I’m reminded of the fact that Cena use to do a leg drop off the top, but doesn’t any in this situation. I’m sure there’s a reason why, and I’ll bet it involves Cena not wanting to have his ass anywhere near a mouth that’s been in contact with Lita’s vagina. While Edge and Cena duke it out in the corner, Lita tries to untie a turnbuckle pad, but Foley is all like “OH NO YOU DON’T” and kicks her out. Cena is all like “thnx” as we go to.. another commercial..

 

Endorsement Ideologies: I’m tired of going to thesaurus.com during every commercial break.

 

Here’s when Cameron would have popped in saying Cena got suplexed on the barricade during WWE.com Unlimited, but he ain’t here, so it’s not gonna happen. Somewhere in the MASS CHAOS, Edge powerbombed Cena, but Foley didn’t count the pin because that sneaky Canadian had his feet on the ropes. Them Canadians, you can’t trust em. Blah blah blah, more match, Edge lands the Edgucution, but Cena kicks out. Edge misses the spear, FU goes nowhere and somehow, Foley gets downed. You know, getting thrown off a 20 foot Cell won’t keep Mick Foley down, but getting accidentally bumped during a shitty Death Valley Driver will – oh, how the mighty have fallen. Cena latches on the STFU (which was TOTALLY coined by us here at TWF, I can’t remember by whom), but Lita jiggles back out and breaks it up. Title belt shot to Cena, but Foley is STILL out, well, because he’s a referee and isn’t allowed to have a respectable threshold of pain, and the count only gets 2. One FU out of Nowhere, Massachusetts later, Cena retains.

 

Winner: Eventually, Triple H.

 

As the show closes, Edge goes all nutso, while Lita goes after Foley’s nuts … and Edge spears him down. WOW I TOTALLY DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING~!!1ONE

 

Best in Show: I perversely liked Big Show/Triple H, but probably because for a second there I thought that maybe the WWE swerved us all. How I was wrong. However, the Bret announcement is way huger than anything on this show – including Big Show’s frying pan like hands.

 

Worst in Show: The Eugene/Shelton match had NO heat to it, which is a bad sign. Also, Ashely’s botching of the crucifix deserves an OVW demotion, ASAP. But all these isn’t nearly as important and HBK/Vince, which is failing horribly to interest me, or anyone.

 

Overall Analysis: Hunter/Big Show was about as good as we could expect, and Cena/Edge continue to have good matches – it’s just a shame they’re done now. There was a fair amount of shit, so this show sticks in right in the middle. Just like me!

 

Shillington Shillmores:

 

Remy, of all people, pulls double duty and checks in with a TNeh iMPACT report, and a brilliant new Diatribe that I can’t say enough about. Seriously – I’m banned form saying more about it. Don’t ask why.

 

Forum regular, Anvil’s Swagbag, offers us a brand new Guest column where he attempts to pull an HBK on Jannety, by having a non-believer convert to a wrestling fan, with hilarious results.

 

Resident mongoloid Canadian Bacon serves up a Smackdown Réport that has to be read to believe. It’s Bacon, recapping a show. Need I say more?

 

The Trivia Man-God checks in with another fantastic addition to The Vault, with his recap of “Wrestling’s Most Embarrassing Moments”. The only thing not embarrassing about this video was the recap it produced.

 

Sean proves once again why he’s the king and why the rest of us will never ever ever ever be as good as he, with his brilliant new satire, LIFE AFTER WRESTLING: Jobs After Doing Jobs. On top of it, we get a retro No Way Out rant, which is even better a year later, like a fine wine. Not that I’d know, I only drink the vomit of drunks.

 

Finally, yours truly bangs out another edition of WVAC, when I present YOUR OLYMPIC ZEROS. It’s also worth noting that my mother makes an appearance in this column, to the delight of everyone not named James Walker.

 

Ok folks, that’s all for the Raw Rant. I hope you all had a good time, and don’t forget to tip your server on the way out.

 

 

WWE RAW RANT: (02/20/06) By Cameron Burge

I’m back. Last minute changes kept me from being able to be here last week, but I’m back now after the week of USA programming catering almost specifically to retarded people who for some reason think that seeing ugly little quadrupeds jumping through hoops and running obstacle courses are entertaining. I’m of course speaking of the Olympics.

Anyway, I’m here and it is time for the finals of Triple H’s Road to Wrestlemania (As foreseen by Stephanie McMahon) Tournament. Could they possibly make this ending more obvious? Only with a sign....and it would have to be a big one.

Raw 02.20.06

The Show opens with a video recap of Edge/Cena 3 focusing mostly on the uninteresting Edge/Foley build. This feud almost screams "I Am Edge! Care about ME! I can spear people with only half the believability of Goldberg!" Well, maybe not that last part.

Theme and pyro bring us home to the single most sign heavy crowd I think I’ve ever seen. The announce team pimps Flair/Benjamin and King has trouble pronouncing the word "Tournament" (probably since it can hardly be called one) when he brings up the Triple Threat match. Candice is out next for the Women’s Number One Contenders Battle Royal. Torrie and Ashley are next and then somehow Maria qualifies since there aren’t any other women’s wrestlers to fill this up. Victoria makes her way out and then Mickie. Trish makes a surprise appearance next and taunts everybody before we get started.

Women’s #1 Contender Battle Royal

Everything quickly becomes a flailing mass of Tits and ass. Victoria hits the Tilt-a-Whirl Side slam on Mickie and then dumps Ashley, but she hangs on and tries to drag Victoria out. As Ashley and Victoria hang on, Mickie goes nuts on Maria until Candice clocks her one and attacks Maria herself. Maria turns the table and beats Candice down until Victoria stops her. Ashley tries to dump Torrie, and Candice saves her, but then dumps her when she thinks she’s safe. Maria and Ashley attempt a double team on Victoria, but Mickie catches Ashley with a trip leaving Maria alone with Victoria.

Ashley fights off Mickie and helps Maria to eliminate Victoria and Maria uses am unfortunately fully clothed bronco buster on Candice. Mickie eliminates Maria and then starts choking Ashley out with a boot to the throat. Mickie continues to beat Ashley down and catches her with a reverse elbow. Mickie uses a headscissors out of the corner to pull Ashley over the top by going over the rope, but Candice comes from behind and dumps them both to win.
Winner: Candice

Special Match "Fact": Candice is apparently this year’s Christy Hemme from last year’s Wrestlemania.

Candice says she isn’t too hat for Raw because of her commercial or the Tonight Show or Playboy, but it’s because she’ll be the new Women’s champion....and then Edge’s music hits? Edge’s smoke starts to puff, but only puffs twice for some reason. He and Lita enter the ring and Edge says he should be champion (he wants to be Women’s Champion?). He tells Candice to get the hell out of his ring and keeps calling her toots until she leaves. He says he isn’t champion because of one man, and that one man is Mickie Foley even though he happens to be several men. He says Foley is at home resting because that’s what happens when you mess with him. He says nobodies have been coming up to him with their best Hacksaw Jim Duggan impersonation calling Lita a ho (this of course gets several Ho calls). He says he has challenged Duggan to a match tonight and he accepted.

Lita tells Hacksaw to get his scraggly old ass out there and he returns with a call of 80’s goodness. for a face, he sure brings a hell of a lot of weapons to the ring. We take a 2x4 sized commercial break.

Random Commercial Thought: All explosions should be required by law to be accompanied by opera choirs.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan w/ Flag and 2x4 vs. Edge w/ HOOOOOOOOO

Hacksaw catches Edge with a clothesline and tosses him from the ring. Hacksaw starts a USA chant as Edge drags himself back to the apron. Hacksaw hits a headbutt, but Edge catches him on the top rope and returns to the ring to stomp on him and kicks him from the ring. King claims Lita is rated S instead of R as Hacksaw eats him some stairs and he and Edge brawl on the outside. Edge decides to see if it is comfortable to hug the ring post and Hacksaw gives a Ho call before tossing Edge in the ring. Edge hits a dropkick that for some reason impresses the hell out of Joey Styles. Edge hits a side slam and picks up two.

Edge comes off the top into a clumsy clothesline and Duggan calls for the ho as he gives mounted ten punches and leaves Edge staggering. Hacksaw catches Edge from a cross body off the Irish Whip and plants him with a slam. Lita grabs Hacksaw’s leg and he turns to her, but when he turns around Edge hits his TACKLE O’ DOOM to kill Duggan dead in a way Stairs apparently can’t and gets the three.
Winner: Edge

Special Match "Fact": Edge is an evil foreigner.

Edge and Lita beat him up some more, using the 2x4 on his two best friends (and I don’t mean his pals in the Winnebago), then Edge gets back on the mic much to my displeasure. He speaks to "you" apparently meaning Foley saying he was cost his dream and calls Foley a son of a bitch. He calls for him against Foley at Mania, and Foley has a week to accept or Edge will go to his house and beat his ass in front of his family.

We go to a weird feature of Big Show talking about what winning this match and being in the Main Event at Mania means. For some reason it has him looking somewhere off screen at....something. He says if he Chokeslams RVD and Hunter he’ll go to Mania but more importantly Hunter won’t. Amen. Let’s have a commercial, on the house.

Random Commercial Thought: Ultra Violet- Great, just what I need. Another retarded, effects heavy, emo-tech movie.

Back to the show where they show a segment on Cena’s tour of Bombay. Back to the ring and Kane is on his way with his tag belt prop. He’s having a rematch with Masters.

Chris Masters vs. World Tag Team Champion Kane w/o a Jar of Eyeballs

The tie up and Kane eventually tries to overpower Masters, but he flips the tables and hammers Kane in the corner. Kane reverses an Irish whip and misses a clothesline but decks Masters with right hands. Kane flips himself backwards over the ropes to the floor and ends up getting himself clocked into the ring post. Masters hits a stiff clothesline and tosses Kane back in for elbow drops. Masters keeps the pressure on and puts Kane on the top turnbuckle for a Super Backbody drop, but Kane tosses him off and hits the flying lariat.

Kane plants Chris with the side slam and hits the uppercut, but Masters blocks the big boot and switches it up to the MASTERfull Nelson, but Kane blocks the attempts and goes for a Samoan drop. Masters wriggles loose and Kane goes for the Chokeslam, but Masters hits a thumb to the eye and goes the Nelson again. Kane reverses into his own Full Nelson, but Masters prevents it, so Kane crushes him with a Full Nelson slam I believe it was and gets the three.
Winner: Kane

Special Match "Fact": From the people who brought you the STFU, now comes the Tombstone Nelson. the latest in unoriginal finisher names.

Post match, Masters sneaks the Masterlock onto Kane and tosses him from the ring, but Kane sits up while Masters celebrates so he bolts from the ring. They run a segment on the Divas Lingerie DVD then we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m sort of a One-upper...except I’ve actually done all that....twice....you posers.

Back to the show where we are ASSAULTED once more by the shitty Wrestlemania theme. the Announcers pimp the Finals of the "tournament" and RVD gives his "oddly looking somewhere off screen" promo. What’s Hunter’s gonna be? "I win. It’s a work." RVD says his name will go down as having been a main-eventer at Mania because nobody will ever forget Big Show and Hunter because they’ve already been there so tonight he’ll solidify his spot. Uh, dude, you aren't supposed to put over the other guys in the match.

They run a video recap of Vince trying to make Michaels retire all the while pretending he never once intended to hire a new General Manager. We go to the back where Vince is in his "office and the Spirit Squad arrives. The retard cameraman pulls back too far to reveal the office is just a two sided prop room. And he does this several times. Vince gives four of the members a shot against Michaels tonight, leaving Mitch out to dry...uh yeah. He says Five on one isn’t fair. We go back to ringside for Flair/Shelton which is next, but first we need to have more commercials because we can’t live without them.

Random Commercial Thought: Eh, I wasn’t paying attention.

Back to the show where Ric Flair arrives to a chorus of cheers. We see Shelton and his mama behind the curtains with mama in a wheelchair. he says she’s too sick to come out, but she says she demands to come see him kick Ric Flair’s ass as the crowd practically drowns them out with "Whoos."

Shelton Benjamin w/ his Mama vs. Intercontinental Champion Ric Flair w/ Alzheimer's

They tie up and flair gains control, hitting an arm drag and whoo-ing it up. Shelton rallies back and pounds on Flair in the corner (damn that sounds creepy). Flair fights his way out with evil chops of death and kicks Shelton into the corner. Flair dodges an arm drag and struts, then Shelton runs into a chop that floors him. Shelton continues to run into Flair’s super-telegraphed moves and gets chopped right out of the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Is the classic Taco Bell taste cardboard?

Back to the match. Shelton is eating chops and getting his knee worked over. Flair goes for the Figure Four, but gets kicked from the ring. Shelton follows him out and runs right into another chop before scoops Flair into a Samoan drop on the outside. Shelton hits Flair with rights as he keeps him against the security wall then gets back in the ring to drag Flair back in with a suplex over the ropes. Shelton goes heavily on the offensive with a back a big backbody drop for two and a huge round kick to the head that earns a Flair Flop for another two. Shelton catches Flair with the dragon whip for another two that the crowd almost cheers for.

Flair recovers with a chop, but runs into a reverse elbow drop and Shelton hits a top rope clothesline that pick sup two when Flair puts his foot on the rope. Shelton kicks at the knee of Flair and goes for the Figure Four, but Flair kicks him off. Shelton springboards off the top rope and right into a chops that gets Flair two. Flair locks on the Figure Four in the center of the ring as Mama gets out of her chair. Shelton makes it to the ropes and rolls outside. Mama starts holding her chest as people at ringside make hilarious comments at her and the ref calls for a medic. Shelton grabs mama's oxygen tank and Flair comes over to the ropes to see what’s going on. Shelton clocks Ric with the tank then comes in the ring and hits him again to follow up with the T-bone. The ref magically regains his sight as Mama makes a miraculous recovery and counts the three.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin.

Special Match "Fact": Shelton Benjamin originally lost the title to Carlito who later lost it to Flair yet between both men the belt has been defended fewer times than when Shelton last held it.

Flair leaves the ring looking old and tired...the usual. Elsewhere, Shawn Michaels is on his way to the ring. We get a recap of No Way Out where Rey was booted form the Main Event, pissing me off, as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Somebody hit my new car and drove off. That pisses me off a lot.

Back to the show. They show that Stacey is in the Finals for Dancing with the Stars. The Spirit Squad comes out and cheers bout HBK like anyone cares. King says he’d like to send them on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

Shawn Michaels vs. Four Guys on the Spirit Squad w/ Mitch & Trampoline (Handicap Tag Match)

You know, these guys tell me their names every time they show up, but I seem to forget them several seconds afterward. Kenny does some leapfrogs and hits a hip toss before dancing a taunt at Michaels. Now Johnny gets in the ring and does some stuff. You know what? I so DON’T care about this match, I don’t feel like recapping it. In fact, I’m replacing this match with an excerpt from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy instead.

"The Babel fish, is small, yellow, and leechlike, and probably the oddest thing in the universe. It feeds on brainwave energy received not from its own carrier but from those around it. It absorbs all unconscious mental frequencies from this brainwave energy to nourish itself with. It then excretes into the mind of its carrier a telepathic matrix formed by combining the conscious thought frequencies with nerve signals picked up from the speech centers of the brain which has supplied them. The practical upshot of all this is that if you stick a Babel fish in your ear you can instantly understand anything said to you in any form of language. The speech patterns you actually hear decode the brainwave matrix which has been fed into your mind by your Babel fish. Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything that mind-bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the nonexistence of God. The argument goes something like this: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED." "Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. "Oh, that was easy," says man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.

"Most leading theologians claim that this argument is a load of dingo's kidneys, but that didn't stop Oolon Colluphid from making a small fortune when he used it as the central theme of his best-selling book, Well That about Wraps It Up for God. Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation."

In the end Michaels beats up everyone and superkicks Mikey until everyone jumps him for the DQ.
Winner: Michaels

Special Match "Fact": 42

They do an odd cheer throw on Michaels letting him drop until Marty FUCKING JANNETY arrives. Jannety and Michaels annihilate the Squad and celebrate much to the crowds delight. We see Vince in the back looking pissed at the screen as Marty and Shawn have a completely heterosexual hug and the crowd chants "Marty". We go to commercial after another horrible musical interlude for Wrestlemania.

Random Commercial Thought: Where’s are my socks? You stole them didn’t you?

Back to the show where they replay Carlito’s awesome somersault senton maneuver. He grabs Lillian mic and says he humiliated Stone Cold and Piper last year just like he’ll humiliate this guy.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Random Jobber Nick Burke (Total Squash Match)

Carlito decks the guy while talking on the mic. He says he has another idea this year and tosses Nick into the ring post. He says, "What is this idea?" and gives Nick the back-cracker. Then he says "You might just say" before planting Nick with the modified neck breaker. After the pin he says you might say his idea is money in the bank before walking off.
Winner: Carlito

Special Match "Fact": The guy who comes up with the idea for Money in the bank has never won the match...even though there’s only been one.

Commercial time.

Random Commercial Thought: America is getting annihilated at the Olympics.

WWE Unlimited: Matt Striker tells everyone to by GQ because he is in it and you will learn to be smart because smart is sexy.

Back to the show and they recap what Matt just said as they go on to talk about the Hall of Fame featuring Bret Hart. Joey says we’ll see the second inductee and it is......EDDIE GUERRERO. They run a video package of people remembering Eddie. The video ends with our crowd engrossed in Eddie chants. Vince McMahon is next out to ruin the mood I guess.

Vince says people thought he’d be angry about what happened when Marty beat the hell out of the Spirit Squad. He says Marty needs to be rewarded so next week Marty will get a full-time WWE contract. He says Marty needs to opportunity because he’s fallen on hard times. He starts to leave after announcing that then stops and comes back saying there is one thing. He says just prior to presenting the contract, Marty has to join a club (one asshole screams YEAH because we know what club this is), the Kiss My Ass club.

We cut to Hunter’s video where he moves his head like he’s having a seizure the whole time, back to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: It’s bad enough I have to see Triple H on Raw, but do I have to also see him in my commercials too?

Back to the show where they show Hulk slamming Andre. Speaking of big people, here’s The Big Show. RVD is next and then the nine-hour intro of Triple H. Big Show stands right behind Hunter as he does the spit thing, and the Game turns around right into an attack.

Triple H w/ Guaranteed Victory vs. World Tag Team Champion The Big Show w/ Frying Pan Hands vs. Rob Van Dam w/ Possession Charges (Road to Wrestlemania Triple Threat Finals)

RVD chants already begins as he just stands around and Big Show beats up Triple H. show presses Hunter and hits an Elbow drop for two when RVD breaks it up. Show hits a headbutt on Rob and a slap to the chest before leveling Hunter with another chop and crushing RVD with a third. RVD tries to ridiculously punch off Show after he tosses Hunter to the floor, but eats a side slam. Show chops Hunter across the announce table and chases him around ringside. Show chops Hunter over the barrier and fights Triple H in the crowd with more chops, but RVD comes out of nowhere to jump onto the wall and hit a stiff kick to Show’s head. Big RVD chants as he comes off the apron at Show with a cross body only to get caught and pressed to the floor as we go to commercial and the ref magically doesn’t make a ten count.

Random Commercial Thought: That kid would have been way cooler to have designed himself CHAINSAW hands instead of eggbeaters.

WWE Unlimited: RVD breaks up a two count when Big Show side slams Hunter.

Back to the match. Hunter stops Big Show from destroying RVD. show sandwiches Hunter and RVD in the corner and whip Hunter to the other corner before whipping RVD at him. Rob put son the break and turns around into a roll through the legs and a hug spinning kick to the jaw. Show only staggers so Hunter and RVD team up. show goes for a double team, but RVD kicks them out of it and attacks the knees while Hunter wails on his head. Show tries the chokeslam again, but Hunter breaks it this time and RVD kicks his legs completely out form under him sending the big man to his knees. Show AGAIN goes for the double chokeslam and hits it this time, laying all three of them out.

All three men crawl up and Show creams them both with consecutive clothesline and a powerslam on Triple H picks up three when RVD dropkicks him in the head. Show swats RVD out of the ring and scoop slams Hunter. RVD hangs Hunter up on the top rope, and Triple H tries to come from behind. Big Show dodges, but Hunter hits the knee drop to the chin and RV comes off the ropes with a flying kick. They send Show to the floor and RVD goes to hunter with clotheslines and a spinning back kick. The Split-legged moonsault pick sup a heart-wrenching two.

Rob Van Dam hits another spinning heel kick and goes for Rolling Thunder, before going up top. RVD hits the Five Star and pop up right into Big Show’s Chokeslam grab. Rob kicks his way free and a running spinning wheel kick levels Big Show and he goes back up top only to be tossed by Hunter and on the barricade. Hunter grabs the chair and crushes show in the head with it because the ref is retardedly checking on RVD. Hunter hits the Pedigree and the ref counts one, two....NO! RVD flies in to break it up as the crowd explodes for RVD.

RVD and Hunter slug it out until Rob dumps him. RVD comes off the top with the Five Star on Big Show, but Hunter grabs the ref leg to prevent the count. The ref crawls to the count and gets two, but Show kicks out and Hunter just strolls in for the pedigree on RVD and the win. You know since apparently manhandling the ref is not a DQ offense. That’s fucking bullshit.
Winner: Who the fuck do you think?

Special Match "Fact": Hunter has headlined the Raw main event of Wrestlemania almost ever year since his return.

The crowd couldn’t be more apathetic as Hunter celebrates. Cena arrives after the match with a new shirt for once. Cena and Hunter have a stare down as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Shelton gets his belt back, even if he didn’t get it clean.

Lowlight of the Night: Triple H once again getting a random "no DQ" situation to get his way. What a bunch of bullshit this tournament was.

Pimp it all night long

Since Raw just happened, we don’t have much extra to pimp. James stepped in for me last week with the Raw Rant when I got a last minute boot from being able to cover it. Also he became Captain Fill-in when he covered the No Way Our Rant for our very own Sean Carless.

Harry Simon returns with a classic Chlusterschmazz and the Recapitation of ECW Gangstas Paradise

As Sean put it, the Konami Cheat Code has been activated as he looks at WWE’s Most Unusual Matches in the Vault.

I’ll see you all later, if I don’t kill you in your sleep.

 

WWE RAW RANT: (02/27/06) By Cameron Burge

We return once more to our scheduled broadcast of....

THE TRIPLE H VARIETY HOUR!

Starring:
Triple H
Hunter Hearst Helmsley
Triple H
The Game
Paul Levesque
HHH
Stalin
Triple H
The Levesque Family Choir
Triple H
HHHitler
and Triple H
and Special Guest Star: John Cena

Also Featuring: Several other untalented losers.

Raw 02.27.06

Tonight, I’m trying to multi-task because sometimes I have REAL work to do so there will be no special Extras this week.

Tonight’s show is based entirely around Tits and Ass. The Tits belong to Candice and Trish while the Ass belongs to Vinnie Mac himself. How could this show POSSIBLY suck I ask you?

Don’t answer that.

The show opens with a replay of the Jannety/Michaels situation. The announce team pimps the unimpressive match list for tonight before Lita and Edge arrive all smiles (and cleavage). Edge accuses Foley of whoring himself out to Indy shows and writing books nobody reads so surely facing Edge at Mania is his best option. He asks Mick what it is going to be but nothing happens so he has Lita get tickets. She brings out Long Island plane tickets so he can fly out to beat an answer out of him. He claims that it is Mick’s fault he won’t be main eventing Mania. He says Lita and him will have to make a house call and starts to leave when Foley’s music hits.

Foley gets his cheap pop then says it is Edge’s fault he lost to Cena all those times. He says Edge choked, and Edge says the only choking will be his hands around Mick’s throat. He demands an answer and Foley says no. He says Edge accused him of being a transitional champion, but he’s been a transitional champion three times making him the best transitional champ of all time, and thus with nothing to prove. Edge has to stop his rebuttal do to a Foley chant. Edge says Foley is rated O for overrated which is the lamest thing I’ve ever heard. He says Foley will only be remembered for three thing: Falling off a cage, having his ear ripped off and showing up in a hospital with a sock puppet. Edge points out that he’s never lost a match at Wrestlemania.

Foley admits he’s never had that one defining moment at Wrestlemania. He declines the offer of a wrestling match and switches to a Mankind voice as he challenges for a Hardcore match instead. Edge backs up like a frightened girl and Foley says he’ll help Edge make up his mind before leaving and retrieving his barbwire bat as his theme plays again. Foley rushes the ring as fast as his overweight legs can carry him and Edge and Lita duck out through the crowd. Joey says tonight the Tag Team Titles will finally be defended again as we go to commercial.

Back to the show. They pimp the return of Saturday Night’s Main Event as Kane and Big Show arrive. Their opponents are VV Disease.

World Tag Team Champions Kane & The Big Show vs. VV Disease (Tag Team Title Match)

Kane starts with Val Venis who ducks a clothesline and assaults Kane with rights to no effect. A Clothesline also gets nothing so Val just stabs him in the eye and comes running gat him again....right into a big boot. Val eats turnbuckle and Kane start destroying him with elbows and uppercuts. Coming out of the corner, Val takes a side a slam and cries while he rolls around. Val escape a suplex and takes out Kane’s knee to follow up with a bulldog. Kane sets up and Val runs to tag in Viscera. Kane fights Viscera off and crushes him in the corner with a clothesline as "Let’s go Mabel!" chants begins. Kane gets caught in a huge Samoan Drop that picks up two. Viscera tries some headbutts and Kane counters with a big boot that only stagger shim.

Big Show is in and destroys both men before Scoop slamming Viscera to a huge pop following with a Hogan leg drop in a hilarious visual. Val breaks up the pin, but Kane dispatches him so the duo can hit a double chokeslam and get the three on Viscera.
Winners: Kane and Big Show

We take a commercial break after the match before coming back to the Slam of the Week where Shelton cheats to win his IC title back. Tard interviews Ric Flair next telling him what he already knows and what we already saw. He says that may be Ric’s last championship ever. Ric tells us he just turned 57 and people thought fifteen years ago he had his last title run. Ric says he’s still got more in him before we go to Jannety elsewhere in the back.

Michaels comes up and says he is sorry Marty got caught up in this and he doesn’t have to go out there. Marty says it isn’t Shawn’s fault and what is happening now is something he did to himself. EH says he’s never kissed any ass and he doesn’t want to do it now, but he doesn’t have a job and he’s a lot older. He says he doesn’t even have car or a job...so how did he get here? He says Shawn needs to stay out because he’s desperate and needs this job.

Maria then asks Carlito to make an announcement that is entirely in Spanish. She says that is interesting and asks if it was his announcement. He says he actually said her Beauty was matches only by her wisdom. Carlito then says there will be another Money in the Bank match. Three qualifying matches will occur for the men to be in it tonight. He says he’ll win his and that’s cool as we take another break.

Back to the show. They play that ultra-gay Wrestlemania theme again as Trevor Murdoch arrive for MITB against....One of a Kind. It’s R.....V....D.

Trevor Murdoch w/o a chance vs. Rob Van Dam (Money in the Bank Qualifier)

Trevor hammers him as he slides in, but RVD tries an arm wrench that gets countered. RVD finally hits a leg sweep, but Trevor catches him with a cheap shot. RVD counters with a dropkick to the knees and a leg drop before locking on a cross leg breaker. Murdoch gets the rope break and crawls to the outside. RVD comes off the top turnbuckle to the outside, missing completely and bashing his head on the wall. Murdoch rolls Rob back in and begins to stomp all over him before putting on a camel clutch. Murdoch releases the hold and crushes Rob with a double axe handle for two before returning to a headlock.

Murdoch annihilates RVD with a crushing blow to pick up another two, making RVD look like the lamest wrestler in the industry. Rob finally gets back on the offenses after Murdoch impales himself on the ring post and RVD hits a big spinning heel kick. Rob goes crazy and hits a botched Rolling Thunder for two. Step-over heel kick sets up for the Five Star that leads to the academic three count.
Winner: RVD

They pimp the Candice/Trish match as we go to commercial.

When we get back we get more video footage of the overseas tour before going to ringside with Mickie James. She introduces Trish as her best friend. Torrie comes out instead of Candice. She introduces Candice as the next playboy cover girl and the next WWE Women’s champion for us.

Candice Michelle w/ Torrie Wilson vs. Women’s Champion Trish Stratus w/ HLA (Women’s title Match)

Candice attacks early and takes Trish to the corner to choke her out with a boot to the throat. Candice unleashes several stiff shots in the corner then does the Go Daddy dance in the center of the ring. Candice returns to kick Trish in the face, but Trish catches it and slams her down for a barrage of hard shots. Candice tries a clothesline, but the MA-Trish saves Stratus form it. Trish hits a stiff side dropkick for two. Candice regains control and chokes Trish on the bottom rope, getting in several cheap shots on the ground. Trish counters a back body rope into a sunset flip, but Candice counters with a sit down pin, grabbing Torrie’s arms to help. The ref sees this however, and Trish rolls Candice up for three.
Winner: Trish

Mickie worships Trish with bows and hugs her waist after the match, burying her head in Trish crotch for a rather awkward moment. Trish throws her off before leaving. Coach will interview Cena after the break.

They replay Unlimited footage of Torrie get a Rick James Bitch Slap from Candice. We go to Coach in the ring who had a broken microphone getting pissed before getting a new one. He introduces Cena to a....loud reaction. Not really for or against, kinda mixed. Coach puts over Triple H’s greatness to Cena then asks if he really thinks he even has a chance. Cena snatches the microphone then gets in Coach’s face when Hunter’s music hits.

Triple H tells Coach to take a seat because he can handle it. He says Cena doesn’t need Coach to tell him how great he is. He says Cena better not tell the whole the world that he think he can be beaten by him. "Cena Sucks" chants are big as he takes the microphone. He says he’s been here for four years and four years ago Triple H probably looked at him and said (he does this with a great Triple H impersonation) "This jackoff won’t last two weeks." He says he doesn’t have Hunters resume and apparently doesn’t have the respect that Hunter has form the fans. He says he does have the title which is something Hunter doesn’t have. Hunters says to excuse him for not being afraid of the guy who’s big move is pumping up his reboks. Hunter explains what transitional champions are because the whole time the world knows it is just a matter of time before the belt goes back to the man who deserves it.

He says Cena is at least tough, since he never quits no matter how bad the ass-kicking is. He compares Cena to Rocky. He says he has pride, passion and dedication, but happens to not be a very good wrestler. He says Rocky always finds a way to win and this is not the movies. He says in real life, Cena can’t beat the bad guy. Cena then says he just won fifty bucks in the "I know what Triple H is gonna say" Pool in the back. HA. Triple H reverts back to his old fallback promo saying that he’s different and staring into his eyes scares the crap out of Cena.

Cena says the facts are that he really isn’t the best athlete and Hunter is a ten time champion. He says that doesn’t make him scared or afraid however because on that long line of superstars he’s killed, he’s not on that list. Vince then interrupts on the screen. Vince says they don’t know that prior to Mania they will have to be tag team partners on Saturday Night’s Main Event against Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton, and Kurt Angle. This goes over like lead balloon on way to commercial.

Back to the show as Shelton arrives for his qualifying match. Apparently he’ll be going to MITB as IC champ once again this year. His opponent? OOooo Chavo.

Chavo Guerrero w/ Jedi Eddie vs. Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin w/ his Mama (Money in the Bank Qualifier)

Chavo unleashes with uppercuts and rights. Shelton escapes a spinning DDT and hits a high body press, before straddling Chavo for rights to the head. Shelton chokes Chavo out on the ropes and goes to a rear chin lock form a side headlock take down. Chavo escapes and goes on offensive eventually leveling Shelton with clotheslines and a standing dropkick, Shelton tires the T-bone but Chavo escape only to be set up for the Stinger Splash. Shelton misses the splash and tries a tilt-a-whirl side slam, that is countered into a big headscissors. Chavo lands two of three amigos, but Shelton then tosses him to the floor where Mama gets out of her chair and tells Shelton to take him down. Chavo catches Shelton on the outside with a kick to the gut, but Benjamin fights back and tosses him back in for a stalling Vertical suplex that Chavo counters into a HUGE DDT while the ref checks on Mama. Orton runs in out of nowhere and RKOs Chavo for Shelton to pick up the pin.
Winner: Shelton

Mama does her victory dance as we go to commercial with promises of ass-kissing to come.

Back to the show. They introduce us to the next inductee.....Mean Gene Okerland? Wow. Clips feature the Gobbeldy Gooker, and a not on Fire Franky the bird. Coach tells King Mean Gene is the first announcer to ever be inducted and it is only a matter of time...before The COACH is inducted (rimshot). Vince is talking on his phone about past inductees when Michaels shows up. Shawn says this is between them and he should leave Marty out of this. He compares this to Bush making Jack Shurack kissing his ass then goes on to say 9/11 is like the steroid trials...

He tells Shawn to not tell him what to do and not be thinking about getting involved and he too could become a member if he tries. Carlito is here, but apparently we need a commercial first.

As Carlito waits for his opponent it is finally revealed what Flair meant about his next championship reign by arriving on the scene.

Ric Flair vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool (Money in the Bank Qualifier)

Flair begins with a side headlock takedown. Carlito throws him off and hits a clothesline but flair gets him with an arm drag and works back into the side headlock for two. Carlito fights free and takes Flair down into the corner, stomping on him until the ref gets onto him. Carlito goes back to using lefts and bitchslaps Flair before showing off to the crowd and walking right into a barrage of big chops. Flair lands a back body drop and a chop, but Carlito drops to the floor to avoid another as we take a break.

Back to the match, Flair is on the security wall. During the break, Flair ate a back-cracker. Carlito comes flying onto Flair and crushes him on the outside before rolling back in to restart the count. Carlito continues annihilating Flair’s old-ass frame on the outside before supplexing him back in. Carlito puts Flair in a rear chin lock, and Flair escapes with chops before Carlito hits a big Enziguiri for a flair flop for two. Carlito finds himself falling to shops, one after the other until Flair goes up top for a Flair flip. Flair pokes Carlito in the eyes to keep him from being tossed, but when he jumps, Carlito catches him with a dropkick for two. Carlito goes to ringside for an apple and takes a bite before returning to the ring and eating a huge kick to the chin from Flair. The apple goes flying and Carlito is rolled up for three!
Winner: Flair

Flair celebrates his MITB chance as we go to Vince in his office inspecting his ass. The images are horrifying. I needed the break to wash my irises...

Back to the show with more wrinkly old asses than you can handle (one is more than I can handle anyway...). Spirit Squad is here gaying things up. They introduce the Kiss My Ass Club for us. Gersh has something to say about Vince's entrance: I don't know which is funnier...Vince's happy constipation walk or Vince's angry constipation walk.

Vince says the Spirit Squad reminds him of the Rockers. They have that same spirit, that same energy, that same desire for buttsex with each other....okay maybe not that last one. Vince talks about what’s wrong with Marty’s life before introducing Jannety to the old Rockers theme. Vince asks if he desperately needs this job and Marty says yes so Vince tells him to go ahead and kiss his ass because he’s no different than anybody else who is kissing their boss’ ass. He has Marty squat down for the preparatory ceremony, but he doesn’t do so when told. Vince repeats himself, but Marty won’t. Finally when Vince threatens the job he does. Vince drops drawers for everyone to go temporarily blind.

Vince asks Lillian what she’s smiling at as he presents his...THONG CLAD ASS GAAAAAH!!! MY EYES! Vince presents his ass for Marty Jannety, as King tells everyone who is just tuning in what is going on. Marty seems reluctant, but finally just stands up and walks away. Marty asks for some other way. Vince says alright an says there might be another way, so he calls out Chris Masters. Fortunately they save loads of time by having Masters skip his full entrance. Vince says if Marty can break the Masterlock, he can have his job. He tells Marty he knew the hold as a Full Nelson and sets him in the chair.

Vince counts to three and Masters drags Jannety up and over the chair in the hold as Marty flails wimpily in the hold. It doesn’t take much for Marty to falls to his knees, but then he stands back up and rallies with the crowd as Vince gets pissed and kicks him in the nuts. While he’s still in the hold, Marty is then going to be forced to do some ass-kissing when Michaels runs in and Superkicks Masters. Michaels and a pantsless McMahon face off. Shawn grabs the chair and advances on McMahon before Shane comes from behind and takes the chair for a brutal looking chair shot. Vince says if Michaels wants to fight a McMahon so bad he’ll have a Street Fight with Shane at Saturday Night’s Main Event. Vince and Shane then hold conference and Vince says Shane had a brilliant idea. He has Shane force Michaels to kiss his ass instead. Jesus, this is retarded. He says Shawn may have kissed his, but he’ll be kicking Shawn’s at Wrestlemania as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: A surprising Flair win for the MITB match, but this only account for three contenders. Are they building for a three-way only this year or will there be three more contenders?

Lowlight of the Night: Chavo losing because of Orton. Annoying because the IC title should be on the line at Mania not being locked in the MITB match. Also why in the world did they make it look like Trevor Murdoch could easily beat up RVD when he was owning both HHH and The Big Show just last week? It's almost as if someone wants to bury him....

That's all for this week .Come back again...or I'll kill you in your sleep.