Welcome to a NEW YEAR of The Smackdown Report. Will they ring in the New Year with another Turdburglar?
The answer is most likely a yes.
MATT HARDY vs. JBL
Matt Hardy, after being a hot face on the way into a feud with Edge is now curtain jerking (probably
ALL he’s done since Lita left him) in matches and booked to lose. Anyway, this is a falls count anywhere match that
will really set the world on fire. Or just make me set fire to my TV, only time will tell!! The match takes all of the expected
spots of a falls count anywhere match, the table gets destroyed, a ladder is used, trashcans and the limo as JBL pushes Matt
off of the ladder onto the hood for the win. This leads to the Boogeyman coming out and eating worms, scaring JBL and shoving
worms down Jillian’s skirt. Edge was heard to say, “that looks familiar” as worms were falling out of Jillian’s
BOOZE-O-METER: 6 White Russians
MARK HENRY vs. 3 JOBBERS
Jobber 1 loses via the torture rack (he has to watch all of Mark Henry’s previous matches).
Jobber #2 wins via a pancake type maneuver. Jobber number 3 loses to the front slam. How DOES Mizark Henry get his biceps
to go all the way around his back like that? Post match Michael Cole asks Melina what it was like being sexually harassed
by Batista, because whatever Cole does, Batista won’t rape him. Speaking of rape, Batista might have a lawsuit too seeing
as Mark Henry used his browneye like a bowling ball.
BOOZE-O-METER: 10 Guinness’s
Sharmell the Chihuahua yaps at Randy about losing. Argh.
JUVI vs. KIS KASH
Seeing as Juvi was fired, let’s guess who wins this one. Mr. Kennedy comes down and joins the
commentary team. I could get used to this. Kash seems to have brought it tonight as his moves are crisp and solid tonight.
Anyway, this is the best cruiserweight match on SD in a WHILE and it’s sad that Juvi is gone after this. Oh well. Anyway,
Kash hits the dead level BRAAAAAIIIINNNNNBBBBUUUUUSSSSTTTAAAA for the win.
BOOZE-O-METER: 5 shots of Tequila
OJ approaches Booker to have him wrestle the match for him. OJ wants respect. Booker says to earn
it. OJ says to remember that. This was like a tennis match. Elsewhere Batista answers some reporter’s questions and
Mark Henry comes in and calls him messed up in the head. I guess when you go down on a tranny names Sammy, raping Melina is
slightly below that. Does Mark Henry ALWAYS have to be sweating?
RANDY ORTON vs. CHRIS BENOIT
We continue to see that pretty much nobody can carry Randy Orton to a decent match that requires
him to stay in the ring at all times. Nice hot finish sees the Crossface by Benoit which Randy reaches the ropes, and counters
a second into the RKO, but Benoit shoves him off leading to OJ to come in and hit Benoit with the crutch to tie up the series.
Not too bad booking, but the match was crap. After months of jobbing, will anyone buy OJ as a threat to the title?
BOOZE-O-METER: 7 white Russians
Simon Dean calls out anyone and London and Kendrick coming out looking strange, and Jeff Hardy-ish,
but not as gay, or hopped up on coke. This leads to dean bringing out his new tag team. This leads to a tag team ass kicking
by the Simon System fags. Way to destroy London and Kendrick on their first network match in months. What shit.
Sweet little fast paced match as these teams are REALLY clicking together. Huge moves by Rey, especially
his crossbody off the top of the cage. I am really impressed with how Batista can hang in there, even though he just pops
in and hits power moves. MNM looks great as well and are only getting better. Anyway, Rey hits the crossbody, but this leads
to him getting destroyed into the cage. This wakes up Batista (he must have wanted to rape Rey after seeing what a big pussy
he is), and he powerbombs Mercury off of the top rope and Spinebusts Nitro. This leads to Mizark waddling down to very slowly
unhinge the door off of the cage, jump in the ring and beat up Batista, allowing MNM to get the victory and keep the titles.
Great match till the end.
BOOZE-O-METER: 6 Budweisers
OVERALL ALCOHOL INTAKE: 6 Budweisers, 13 white
Russians, 5 shots of Tequila, 10 Guinness’s. 2 good matches, and the rest of the show was all over the place. US Title
match is turning into a clusterfuck and I’m not really interested, but that’s a start of some decent booking.
The Tag Scene is DEAD, and the cruiserweight division is dead as well. Isn’t Batista the Heavyweight Champ? Apart from
some decent stuff, the show was a mess.
Teddy Long and Batista come out to announce that Batista will be going to jail for raping Melina.
It surprises me that they actually DIDN’T run the angle this way, and are actually having Batista leave with some respect.
He thanks the fans and builds up his handing over the title really well. This actually will be good for him, as it got him
more over, and his return will be MUCH anticipated. I’ll expect a Stone Cold type run in a few months down the line
(much like SC did in Mankind vs. Rock) to tease his return. In the back, Batista is given a fond farewell from Ricky Streamboat
and others in a surprising angle free exit. Teddy Long then announces a Battle Royal to determine the new Champ. Nothing to
build a title up more than throwing a bunch of random guys in the ring and telling them to throw each other out. Further in,
Randy tries to get out of his match with Benoit to join the battle Royal, but Teddy shoots him down.
CHRIS BENOIT vs. RANDY ORTON
Match 7 in the best of 7
Booker and Sharmell are at ringside. Randy and Orton actually start the match off with some mat wrestling
and Randy fights out. It’s actually a really interesting portion of the match and the best Orton and Benoit have looked
together in a long time. Unfortunately the match in the end is marred by stupid run ins as OJ breaks up Randy’s domination
and allows Benoit to lock in the Crossface. A stupid ref bump is also included somewhere as well, and allows Booker and Sharmell
to come in and Booker hits Benoit with the title for the win and the Title. Fucking lame. If they were aiming for the classic
they once had in WCW they failed miserably. Total garbage angle.
BOOZE-O-METER: 6 White Russians
JBL and Jillian make fun of Piper who invites them to Piper’s Pit, for the price of a spittoon
full of coke. They accept. Once in the ring, this allows the Boogeyman to come out and JBL runs away again. Boogeyman then
bites Jillian’s mole off of her face. Classic. And her skin will look perfect in about a week. We all know how disfiguring
moles can be removed by a simple bite. Makes total sense.
BATTLE ROYAL for the WWE TITLE
Those involved (in order of least likely to win) is Paul London, Brian Kendrick, Simon Dean, OJ,
MNM, Rey, Nunzio, Vito, William Regal, Animal, Paul Birchill, Sylvan, Mexicools, JBL, Mark Henry and Kurt Angle!!! Huh????
Of curse they make Mark Henry look like the monster. A giant, sweaty bastard of a monster. He tosses people out until it’s
just Rey, Henry and Angle left. Rey Is caught like a little jumping bean and thrown out by Mark Henry. Angle goes nuts on
him and hits the Angleslam and locks on a head scissors to pull Henry out, which was reminiscent of Benoit pulling Big Show
out. Angle is now your NEW WWE Champion. Total domination to follow. As Battle Royals go, thus was pretty fucking boring.
BOOZE-O-METER: 10 White Russians
OVERALL ALCOHOL INTAKE: 16 white Russians. A slow
week wrestling wise for SD with the main focus being on the title, as it should be, but what a crappy way to crown a champ.
The funny thing being that the fact that they had to move a RAW guy to SD to win the belt shows what little to no confidence
they have in the SD wrestlers. Pretty bad SD, but Angle as champ is awesome, until he turns face.
What… could it be? Could James Walker be stepping into his old boots as
a replacement show re-capper? Or could Sean have paid him off in Oreos? Either folks, you’re getting’ it. You
see, sure sure, some say I’m a HUGE IWC SUPERSTAR, (namely me) but I’m never opposed to getting down to the real
meat and bones of any wrestling site: actual wrestling. Too bad we probably won’t see any tonight, but still, whatever,
I’ve got me some Oreos.
I have to mention that Smackdown’s opening little video package is horrendous.
I mean, if not for the fact that we have Drowning (in our own vomit and dying) Pool doing some horrible generic theme song,
but the fact that Undertaker posed for a fucking green screen. I’m sorry, but that right there takes ALL credibility
out of his gimmick. Because, you know killing Paul Bearer, rising to heaven, and surviving flaming caskets didn’t.
Then we move to another video package detailing last Smackdown’s historic
night. It really put Batista over, and I look forward to the return feud. Also, it detailed the Booker T ‘victory’
of the US title. I don’t know why people are complaining, it’s not the first time a black man has ever had a violent
white man win him fame, right Rodney King?
“Get The Bobby Out” Lashley VS JBL (w/ Jillian, w/ The most
efficient plastic surgery of all time)
Sean insists I call him Abobo, but I prefer to call Lashley “My Nigga”.
Cause really, him and I are buds, and I can get away with it cause he said so. Don’t judge me for having friends, guys.
Also, am I the only one who wants Lashley to get Ashley as his manager? The hilarity of rhyming names wouldn’t be lost
on me! Finish sees JBL land The Clothesline From (Workrate) Hell, but The Boogeyman makes his obligatory non-wrestling appearance,
and comes up from behind JBL (God bless you, irony) and scares Jibble. This allows My Nigga to Dominate JBL for the pinfall.
Now lets go back to pretending that Lashley didn’t get eliminated with ease at Survivor Series, didn’t get manhandled
by Mark Henry last week, and doesn’t have the “Lashlight” as the name for his finisher.
Winner: My Nigga
Kurt is backstage sportin’ the belt, and gets obligatory congrats from faces
without hope. This week, the group consists of London, Spanky, and Matt Hardy. Keep plugging away guys, you can be up there
with Kurt one day too, just look at Scotty 2 Hotty! Anywho, this turns into Rey getting all up in Kurt’s face (torso?)
and saying he’s gonna be the #1 contender. Kurt moves on, and runs into THE MAN HIMSELF, MARK HENRY. Henry then lifts
a dumpster, and eats the contents. Well, something like that; I daydream to make Henry entertaining.
We see Booker T and Sharmell coming out of their dressing room, and I think they
just had sex. I have no reasoning to back this up, I just like starting rumours about married couples having sex. Because
it’s totally taboo.
It’s commercial time! This means I’m going to give you some fun facts
about the world. For instance, did you know that the reason why alcohol burns when you drink it, and why it melts ice faster,
is because the main alcohol in drinks, ethanol, is a small alkane group attached to a hydroxide with strong hydrogen bonding
to other water molecules? This results in a low energy bond, where in heat is released to complete the reaction. Oh, did I
say fun? I meant REALLY FUN!!!
Jillian Hall is in Teddy Long’s office. It’s here I realize we’re
only missing Rob Conway, and we’d have ourselves a Long HallWay. Ha ha, that wasn’t even funny. Anyways, she does
what women do best (Bitch. The other thing is hit or miss.) and says something about Boogeyman jamming worms down her pants.
You know, if I were a woman, I’d probably be into that. Anyways, Long sets the match of JBL VS Boogeyman for the Rumble,
and I set a match of My Head VS A Wall for buying that.
Now we get introduced to Sharmell to introduce Booker T. Alright folks, I really
hate it when this happens. Someone makes an introduction… to introduce someone. You know, they have time for this shit,
but they can’t give the tag team champions a match? That’s like saying while you didn’t complete the kidney
transplant, the doctors DID manage to carve their name into your colon. Anywho, Booker celebrates the fact that he’s
the undisputed United States’ Heavyweight Champion, despite the fact that Orton won him the title. Infact, this situation
is just about the most disputed thing I can think of. (That’s right, I have no imagination) Booker boasted that he did
it all on his own, and here’s when the subtlety of the situation flew out the window. Anyways, all this brings out the
SUPER MEGA FACE Orlando Jordan to make out with him ask for a fight. Booker states he isn’t cleared to wrestle, and
I state that he isn’t clear. Cause he’s black. Yeah, it was good, don’t deny it. Anyways, Orlando shoves
him down, probably to begin a steamy make out session, but Teddy halts the sexual tension by saying Orlando will fight Orton
in a battle of Bland OVW Products. WHITE MAN VS OJ! METEROSEXUAL VS THE BISEXUAL! RKO VS uhhh… does anyone even know
Mat Hardy VS … Fit Finlay?!
Yep, after six years of being the reason why the women’s division was actually
getting good, Fit Finlay has returned to the ring. Fit was even decked out in his old WCW singlet. I know this because I played
WCW/NOW Revenge. Anywho, I’d like to point out the fact that while Edge wins the WWE championship, Matt Hardy is put
in a match against Fit Finlay. Was Part 3 of the 5 part story “being depushed beyond all comprehension”? Anyways,
the match. It was a damn fine one, and Fit actually impressed the hell out of me with some really good psychology, an awesome
old school vibe, and no ring rust- this last part surprised me; you’d think he’d be dishing out <i>potatoes</i>
all night. The announcers kept playing up his Irish Temper, which inevitably led to Fit DQing himself for failing to relent
on a series of forearms and for probably being part of a horrible series of horror films. You know, I’ve always hated
that finish – even the winner look like a pussy. Then again, it IS Matt Hardy, soooo....
Post match, Fit decided to stomp Matt’s head into the steel steps, because
Matt was after his lucky charms.
Winner via Disqualification: Matt Hardy. Loser? Matt Hardy, too.
Sean Notes: To add further insult, Finlay placed a package under Hardy's car after
the show. Let's just say Matt might be having to change his catchphrase.
Commercial break! Oh boy, I get to learn about femine hygiene products!
We return to a video montage of The Animal at The Veternarian’s office.
There was some gruesome stuff here (if you’re a wimp… and you’re on the internet, so logic says you barfed
in your pocket protector) and Batista mentioned it’s the worst injury he’s ever had.. and it’s all because
MARK HENRY PUSHED HIM TO THE GROUND! I kept waiting for a owl to be pulled out of Batista’s arm, but that day never
Mark Henry (w/ Melina) VS Rey Mysterio (w/o a chance in hell): #1 contender’s
I might be mistaken, but during his ‘Sexual Chocolate’ phase, why
didn’t they dub him Mark “Oh” Henry? I mean, come on, that shit writes itself. Melina completely ignored
the fact she manages MNM, and generated 90% of Mark’s heat; while Mark generated sweat composed of 90% butter. Anyways,
we had a match here, right? Truth be told, this match wasn’t nearly as horrible as it could have been, but I’m
going to chalk that up to Rey Rey being on his A-game tonight, and Mark being on his, uhh, WTF-game. Seriously, the guy is
so slow in the ring, even kids with Down’s Syndrome make fun of him. Rey really did bump his ass off for Mark, but Henry
then ate it. (I think I may have just implies that Mark Henry devoured Rey’s cornhole. I’m going to let you sleep
on that one tonight, kids) We saw a 619 to Mark’s the chest pecs, to his back pecs, and his face pecs. You know, that
really isn’t a great defense mechanism… no matter where Rey attacks, he’s still focusing on one muscle group.
Anyways, as for the finish. Rey paid tribute to Eddie by landing a long-distance
frog splash, except Mark rolled through… eventually… and hit a generic from slam (now dubbed MARK FALL DOWN GO
BOOM) for the clean win.
Winner: Mark Henry
As we enter a commercial, I have a question for you all. How much wood would a
Chuck Palumbo blow, if a Chuck Palumbo could blow Billy Gunn?
We’re back and we get a visit from Kenny-Ken-Ken-Kennedy. Personally, I’m
waiting for Lesnar to come back, and those two to become such good friends that Kennedy flies his airplane. However, Kennedy
can’t really fly it, and they go into a tailspin, dying a horrific death. Yes, I’m morbid, get over it. Anyways,
Kennedy pimps his t-shirt, and gets on commentary for the next match
The Gymini (w/ Simon Dean) VS Paul London and Brian Kendrick (w/ a job
A.K.A. TNA’s former Johnson’s, A.K.A. The Shane Twins, A.K.A. The
Inflated Bashams, The Gymini basically ruined their opponents cumulative shit. It’s a shame to see Simon Dean wasted
as a manager, but hey, it’s better than losing to a couple of midgets. Dean rallies his troops by blowing a whistle,
channeling the spirit of Coach John Tolos, Bill Alfonso, and British policemen. It’s worth mentioning that Kennedy somehow
ended up mentioning that Cole had ‘nice head’. A neat spot sees Kendrick get caught going for a poetry in motion,
and one of the Gymini slamming him down on London, ruining, once again, their cumulative shit. Follow this up with their neat
little double team finish, a double crossed arm spin-out bossman slam, which I’m gonna call the Lowering the (Parallel)
Bar, and we’ve finally got a culmination to all the shit-ruining.
Winner: Certainly not unique and diverse characters.
Randy Orton VS Orlando Jordan
Just a few weeks ago, Jordan was a heel, and now he’s a face. God damn,
he really can go both ways! Also, I’d like to point out that I’m now calling Orlando Jordan ‘Bisexual Chocolate’
(tm Sean), because, uhh, well, because, ok? According to the show reports, Orton got the biggest face pop of the night, and
OJ got NO face heat, whatsoever, so this match was just a wee little fucked. By the way, I hate how Orton can go over Benoit
cleanly, Benoit can beat OJ in 20 seconds, but it takes Orton 15 minutes, interference, and a crutch shot from Booker T to
put OJ away. It’s as if wrestling isn’t real at all! Oh, yeah, I’m supposed to be recapping this match,
not ranting about stuff and giving away the ending. Well, too bad, it’s my recap and I’ll do what I want! (It’s
also my birthday, and I’ll cry if I want to, but I digress) Ok, this match bores me, so let’s pretend Koko B.Ware
ran in and destroyed everyone. I know Leeman marked out for that idea.
Winner: Randy Orton
Kurt Angle VS Daivari (w/AYAAALLEEEAHAALEELLIIALLAAA)
Considering that this show was taped on Sunday, it’s amazing that Kurt didn’t
see that Daivari wasn’t going to screw him on Raw! So, this was a complete and utter squash, until Melina caused a DQ
(and an erection), but Kurt got his revenge by molesting her foot with an Ankle Lock. I wonder if she’s gonna sue Kurt
now for rape, too. Henry made the save, pitched Kurt to the floor, and Daivari said he’s now managing Mark Henry’s
torso, while Melina will take care of his limbs. Well, no, but I would have laughed. Actually, I did just by thinking about
it, so it’s all good. Anyways, that’s how the show ends. Pretty eventful, huh?!
Winner: Uhh, Kurt, I guess
- I really enjoyed the Fit Finlay/Matt Hardy match. Fit looks very good in there,
and Hardy continues to get pops, despite being booked like Spike Dudley.
Show Lowlight: - Despite being filled with
generic crap like OJ VS Orton, the Gymini (who aren’t that bad, but just get shafted with in this lame role) and the
horrible decision to make Kurt a face, the biggest problem with this show was failing to deliver after such an important show
last week. I’m sure the rating will drop from hour one to two, because this show barely interested me.
Overall, not a bad showing, but once again it’s the writing team and booking
decisions that bring the show down, not the actual talent. Thumbs down.
And on the eighth day, god created PIMPS.
First off, I insist you go read Remy’s newest Demented Diatribe of Doom, where in he probably writes the funniest piece about Kurt Angle you’ll ever read. He also gives a wicked-good
handjob, but that didn’t influence this at all.
After that, check out Sean’s brilliant new Satire: H 2.0: Guess Who's HHHaving A Baby! Sean proves once again why he’s the best in the business at this stuff, and he also proves the Pythagoras theorem,
just because. Oh, also give him credit for a bunch of jokes I mercilessly stole from our MSN conversation… or don’t.
Really, no sweat off my back.
Not enough good times for you? Well, Joe Merrick delivers the goods this week
with his latest Low Blow, GENERIC NEWS. This guy is really dishing out some great stuff, and I for one love every word of it.
Incase you’re mentally retarded and haven’t read it, go read The Best Damn Raw Report, Period, penned by Cameron Burge. I’d just like to point out the fact that he gets a TLC match, and I get a DQ finish
with Mark Henry.
Once you’re done reading all those goodies, go read TWF’s version
of post-coital cigarettes in my latest White Vans and Candy, where somehow people like me, despite the fact that I clearly have an IQ of 72.
Alright kids, I’m out. If I’m back next week, it’s because Gonzo
still hasn’t awoken from his mescaline-induced coma, so it’d be best if someone got him to a hospital by then.