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SMACKDOWN RANT ARCHIVE: December 2005

 
SMACKDOWN SPECIAL 12.03.05. By Doctor Gonzo
 
Double dose of SD this week, so let’s get to it!

SD SPECIAL 11/29/05

MATCH #1
BOOKER T vs. CHRIS BENOIT
This is match #2 of the best of 7 series. Match #1 was a bit weak, so I hope they pick it up for this one. The match impresses me with Booker pretty much holding his own and dismantling Benoit by using his brain and having Benoit make the mistakes, such as avoiding the dive by Benoit. Finish comes when Benoit is knocked to the floor on a suplex reversal and Booker hits the Scissors kick for the win.
BOOZE-O-METER: 4 Guinness’s

MATCH #2
REY vs. BIG SHOW
The infamous match which involves a low rider, a dead man, a loogie, and the complete disrespect of Eddie Guerrero a bit over a week from his death. It’s times like these that the WWE really needs to address themselves as attempting to create shock value and get people talking, but the talk is always negative. I really don’t feel like recapping this match. Just so you know, Rey won after interference from Randy, Kane, and the Undertaker.
BOOZE-O-METER: 10 shots of Tequila

SD 12/2/05

SEGMENT
Randy comes out to brag about killing the Undertaker after throwing him in the trunk of the lowrider and blowing it up. He demands a title shot at Armageddon.

MATCH #1
TAG TEAM CONTNDERS BATTLE ROYAL
Teams are Kendrick/London, LOD 2345678, the Dicks, Mexicools, FBI, and Scotty and Funaki. Winner faces MNM at Armageddon. Pretty boring match which is surprising considering who is involved. London and Kendrick continue to be underutilized despite killing themselves on Velocity consistently. Mexicools win the match by eliminating the Dicks.
BOOZE-O-METER: 7 shots of Tequila

SEGMENT
JBL is in the back saying that if he was there on Tuesday, then Rey wouldn’t have been attacked. Someone needs tot ell him that the show is taped on Tuesday, which is something WWE.com admits on a semi-consistent basis. Bllod then runs down the SD logo in the back. Cool stuff. Nobody will buy JBL as a face though.

MATCH #2
BENOIT vs. REGAL
I heard some great things about their Velocity match, and I have their Pillman Memorial match on the Benoit DVD which is simply awesome, so I have high hopes for this match. The match really is pretty short and I am pretty damn into it because they are so stiff and sick hitting each other. Damn these guys rock. Anyway, Booker is doing commentary and after Benoit makes Regal tap to the crossface, Benoit attacks Booker T and slaps on the Crossface again. Good stuff here!
BOOZE-O-METER: 2 Newcastles

MATCH #3
RANDY vs. MATT HARDY
Damn, remember when Matt Hardy was cool? And not like 3 months ago, but about 2 years. I still have to admit the Side Effect is a great looking move. I missed seeing him do that. Anyway, the match here is shockingly good, because it was so brief I guess. They put a lot of energy out there and Matt is showing off some good moves again. Randy does finish with the RKO and immediately after the lights go out and Taker’s voice fills the arena and challenges Randy to a Hell in a Cell match.
BOOZE-O-METER: 4 White Russians

MATCH #4
BOOGEYMAN vs. SIMON DEAN
In the back, Boogeyman eats some worms. Dean is terrified, and Boogeyman’s entrance is pretty sweet. Boogeyman eats some more worms and finishes with the reverse powerslam. Not too bad of a finisher. Bad match cause it’s short, but a neat debut.
BOOZE-O-METER: 3 cups of worms

MATCH #5
BOBBY LASHLEY vs. SYLVAN
Giving Sylvan a Rick Martel is a good idea, but he really doesn’t have the mic skills to pull it off, or the in ring talent either. Anyway, the match goes WAY too long with Sylvan getting too much offense , but Lashley takes over and kills Sylvan with the Dominator.
BOOZE-O-METER: 5 Cosmos

MATCH #6
BIG SHOW & KANE vs. REY & JBL
Why the hell are the RAW wrestlers still on SD? Anyway, the match is as bad as you expect with Rey being the only energy out there. During the match, JBL gets poked in the eye and leaves Rey alone, who tries to fight back, but is just another victim to the double chokeslam. They continue to abuse Rey which draws out Batista for the save. Lame on all levels.
BOOZE-O-METER: 8 White Russians

OVERALL ALCOHOL INTAKE: 12 White Russians, 5 Cosmos, 2 Newcastles, 3 cups of worms,4 Guinness’s and 17 shots of Tequila. The one hour SD was pretty awful, but Friday night fought back with some good energy and some nice angles. I could get used to this, but once the novelty wears off, we are back to square one.

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Doctor Gonzo is The Wrestling Fan's resident alcoholic drug-dependent IWC superstar. As the inventor of both the Psychic Playstation 2 and the "Alcohol intake" rating system, his various works have been read here at The Wrestling Fan, along with 411 Mania.com and Inside Pulse respectively. He was also declared clinically dead two years ago.

 

SMACKDOWN SPECIAL 11.30.05. By Cameron Burge
 
Good evening. Tonight’s Rant is brought to you straight from the single most errored video tape I have ever had in my life, and thus entirely without announcers or any kind of sound at all! Well, that’s not completely true, they still talk, but only in tiny little Chipmunk squeaks that could only be translated by that crazy guy in the park that talks to squirrels.

Smackdown 1HR Special

Before we even get to the show, it’s on WWE.com that Rey is dedicating tonight’s match to Eddie Guerrero.

Theme and we are rolling on into the first match right off the bat.

Chris Benoit vs. US Champion Booker T w/ Sharmell (2nd of Best of Seven)

Okay, early offense is pretty much your typical Benoit/Booker match with chops flying around like no one’s business. Chop war eventually leads to Benoit gaining the advantage on Booker and taking him to the cleaners in the corner. Sharmell gets all pissed at Benoit, but he picks up two. Booker powers back with a powerslam and reverse elbow to gain momentum. Booker kicks low, then high, but Benoit comes back with some knife edge chops to send him down.

a Kitchen Sink knee to the gut sends Booker reeling and Benoit punctuates it with a knife edge chop for two. Backbreaker picks up two more as Benoit is looking frustrated as hell. Northern Lights still gets only two and Benoit starts wailing into Booker, forcing him to the corner for some heavy chops and several harsh knees to the midsection. Benoit sends Booker to the other corner, but Booker fades over and rolls up for two.

Benoit shuts Booker down with some more offense until finally getting caught off guard to allow Booker some time of his own. The offense is short lived when Benoit backbody drops Booker over the ropes and then suicide dives after him, only to completely miss and hit the ring barricade as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Since when could The Hulk run up walls?

Back to the match. Booker has Benoit in a submission, but Chris is already rallying to his feet and escapes only to find himself shut down by a wheel kick. Booker rolls over for the cover and picks up two. I’d like to point out that Patrick looks board as hell. Booker tries a backbreaker and switches to a modified chin lock. Benoit rallies again and chops Booker all around the ring, booker ducks a chop and pulls him in for a knee to the gut, attempting the scissor kick, but Benoit steps out of the way and shuts him down before landing a series of belly to belly suplexes for two.

Both men stagger to their feet and Benoit walks right into the Book End, but it only gets two. Benoit manages to mow Booker down with a German suplex and goes up top for the headbutt. Sharmell gets on the apron to distract him, and booker tries to capitalize, but only eats another German. Benoit goes up top and finally lands the headbutt before dragging himself to the cover for two.

Booker rolls to the apron and catches Benoit by surprise with a ram to the gut before attempting a suplex to the outside. Benoit flips through to the apron and goes for a German off to the floor, but Booker knocks him off into the security wall. Booker T rolls Benoit back in ad covers for yet another two. Booker drags Benoit up and misses a clothesline getting himself caught in a German that seems to hurt Benoit’s neck more than him. Booker takes the opportunity and hits the Headscissors to finally pick up the three.
Winner: Booker T

Special Match "Fact": Oddly enough Booker no longer uses any of the same finishers he was using during the original best of Seven, except for the scissors kick. His others were the Harlem Hangover and the top rope Missile Drop Kick.

After the match, they run the Lie, Cheat, Steal package and highlights of Eddie’s career/life. Afterward they pimps the Rey/Big Show match with the names being listed as David vs. Goliath as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Smackdown! vs. Raw 2006 is a MUST HAVE wrestling game for everyone ready this. I highly recommend it.

Back to the show. In the back, Rey is warming up with a prayer to Eddie and forms the catholic cross with his crucifix. He tells Eddie this one is for him before we go to Cole and Tazz at ringside. Too bad, I have no clue what the hell they are saying. They run a video package of David vs. goliath which features all of Rey’s triumphs, somehow finding footage of all the worst costumes he’s ever worn in the process, and then footage of Big Show destroying people, including the infamous chokeslamming of Kurt angle onto the floor from the ledge.

Back at the ring, Big Show is in the house, and he brought his tag team title with him, he is even introduced as being one. They tell us the match will be next, so let’s take a look at those lovely commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Poor Chris. everybody around him be drinkin’ Hatorade.

Back to the show after a freakishly long commercial break. They pimp the Tag Team Battle Royal that will take place this Friday. Rey drives Eddie’s memorial Low Rider to the ring to the Viva La Raza music and Big Show looks pissed. Rey is still wearing his memorial arm band and he steps into the ring rather confidently.

Rey Mysterio vs. World Tag Team Champion The Big Show

Big Show stalks angrily toward Rey, but he dances around and slides between his legs. Show comes after him again and eats a dropkick to the knee. Rey slams kicks into the knee trying to take him down, but Show tosses him off and Rey has to escape again. Rey dives for the knee, but can’t take it out and Show clubs him in the back before picking him up and tossing him to the floor. Big Show follows Rey out, but he slips back inside and hits a baseball slide, rallying the crowd as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t know if I want to shop at a store where everything is so cheaply made, they are capable of selling it for a dollar.

Back to the match, Rey’s getting annihilated. Big Show just tosses him around for chops and does his little step on the chest maneuver before tossing Rey to the floor again. Show lazily strolls to the floor and puts Rey against the ring for more chops to the chest before tossing him in and chopping him across the throat. Big Show gets back in and chokes Rey out in the ropes with one GINORMOUS hand (you can push a boiled egg through his ring! I swear!). Rey spends most of his time flopping like a dead fish as Big Show continues to toss him around, once again sending him to the outside. Rey surprises Show with a quick comeback assault and, back in the ring, reels the big man with huge rights and left to the face. Show falls against the ropes and Rey pummels him and finally counters with an all out boot to the face.

Show plants an elbow on Rey and covers him, but picks the midgety wrestler back up at two. Rey rolls to the floor and crawls to the low rider, so Show follows. Big Show slams Rey into the hood and he staggers to the ring before being tossed back in. Big Show looks at Rey struggling to stand up in the ring, by holding the ropes and laugh before walking up. Rey dropkicks him through the ropes and catapults himself over for a sit down senton, but Big Show catches him and powerbombs him onto the hood of the low rider as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t really like Subway sandwiches. If I wanted a sandwich, Id make it myself and it would cost a hell of a lot less.

Back to the...match? Medical personal try to help Mysterio, but Big Show runs them all off. Show carries Rey back to the ring like a caveman who just bagged a wife and tosses him in. Show slaps Rey around on the ground for a bit and continues to pretty much destroy Rey until our little friend actually starts to bite him. Big Show gets pissed and tosses him into the ref, knocking our official unconscious and to the floor. Show checks his nose to see if it is bleeding and goes to check to see if the ref is awake before grinning and fetching a chair.

Rey dodges the chair shot and dropkicks Show in the knee before grabbing the chair himself. Rey goes nuts with the chair and takes it to town on Show’s knee, before bashing him in the head. When Show doesn’t go down and just shakes it off, Rey sells the look of unbelief awesomely. A thunderous Chair shot finally sends show into 619 position. Rey lands it and the crowd goes into a huge Eddie chant as Mysterio climbs the turnbuckles and peels off a frog splash. As Rey crawls for the cover, pyro interrupts and Kane steps out.

Rey prepares for a fight, but Big Show recovers from behind and they both grab him for a double chokeslam.
Winner: No Contest

Special Match "Fact": Rey once defeated Kevin Nash by countering the Jackknife powerbomb into a sit down pin.

the gong rings and the lights go out. when they return, Undertaker is standing behind Kane and Big Show who continue to watch the ramp. Kane staggers backward and leaves Big show in the ring by himself. Show and Taker brawl with Taker gaining the upper hand and wailing on Show against the ropes. Taker dodges a clothesline and hits a flying one of his own as Kane tries to come from behind with a chokeslam. Taker sees it coming and hits one of his own on Kane instead when Randy Orton appears and nails an RKO.

Randy leaves Taker in the ring and starts to walk away but stops at the low rider with his father. Randy stares at the low rider for a bit while Taker’s still our and opens the trunk to grab a tire iron as the Undertaker finally sits up. Taker counters the tire iron with punches and slams Randy into the trunk lid. Taker goes for a chokeslam, but Bob Orton attacks from behind allowing Randy to get into some vicious tire iron shots to the head. Randy leaves Taker draped over the back of the car and hops inside before driving in reverse right through the electronic Smackdown display. The stage pretty much explodes incredibly lamely with Taker and the low rider as Randy runs for safety.

The paramedics won’t go near the fire and Randy and Bob look on from the ramp as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Considering it was only an hour show, I see no other choices, but Booker/Benoit even if the match ending was a little weird.

Lowlight of the Night: Orton/Taker steals the limelight. Been here, done this. Let’s love on now, guys.

 
 
SMACKDOWN RANT 12.10.05. By Doctor Gonzo
 
MATCH #1
JBL vs. REY
JBL is a heel again and rightfully so. He is upset that people think he was faking the eye injury and almost called it a career because of it. Match is really short and ends when OJ comes in and beats on Rey causing the DQ. Batista makes the save and this leads to Teddy Long putting together a tag match for later tonight.
BOOZE-O-METER: 10 white Russians

SEGMENT
Randy Orton and Cowboy Bob call out the Undertaker which leads to Taker fucking with Randy’s intro and then showing a Hell in the Cell promo. Same old, same old. They are running out of ways to build up this feud because it should have been over 3 months ago.

MATCH #2
JOEY MERCURY vs. SUPER CRAZY
Fun match with Super Crazy hopping all over the place and Mercury taking all of the beating and eventually losing via a Super Crazy moonsault. This leads to Kid Kash coming out and beating on Juvi.
BOOZE-O-METER: 6 shots of Tequila
 
MATCH #3
BOOGEYMAN vs. RAY GORDY
Ray “Bam Bam” Gordy was supposed to wrestle Mr. Kennedy, but as Kennedy tore his muscles off of his body, the Boogeyman will be his replacement per Palmer Cannon (remember him?). Anyway, Boogeyman eats some worms, hits his finisher and spits the worms on Gordy’s face and pins him. Delicious! Why not do another crossover with the Boogeyman on Fear Factor?
BOOZE-O-METER: 6 cups of worms

MATCH #4
CHRIS BENOIT vs. BOOKER T
Booker leads 2-0. This match is MUCH better than their previous ones with both guys bringing their work boots. I would have liked this to be more of a pure wrestling series than Booker cheating and shit like that. Speaking of that crap, there is a ref bump at the end of the match, Sharmell brings in a chair and Booker hits Benoit in the back and hits the Scissors Kick for the win.
BOOZE-O-METER: 3 Guinness’s

MATCH #5
LASHLEY vs. WILLIAM REGAL
Shockingly short match that sees Lashley dominate with the dominator. And Sylvian got to beat up on him for a while and Regal gets jobbed out? Wow.
BOOZE-O-METER: 7 Newcastles

SEGMENT
Randy and Bob try to escape the arena, but their car drives away by itself. Josh Mathews is there for comment, but Taker possesses him and cuts a promo. This is getting comical.

MATCH #6
JBL & OJ vs. REY & BATISTA
Rey is of course, your face in peril as Batista’s muscle is torn off of his back. He gets beaten down but fights back as only Rey can. Good stuff through the match as JBL plays the asshole to a tee. OJ plays the dick. Batista comes in and cleans house, but JBL lets Jillian take the 619 (isn’t Rey to short to wine, her and dine her?) and then trips over her injuring himself again. He leaves OJ to fall victim to the Demon Bomb for the win. Fun match.
BOOZE-O-METER: 5 White Russians

OVERALL ALCOHOL INTAKE: 15 White Russians, 7 Newcastles, 3 Guinness’s, 6 cups of worms, and 6 shots of Tequila. Good SD that started slow but picked up. Taker and Randy is crap, but the matches made up for it. Good stuff this week.

 
 
 
SMACKDOWN RANT 01.01.06. By Doctor Gonzo
 
 
MATCH #1
JBL vs. MATT HARDY
The new feud to start 2006 off with a bang, JBL vs. Matt is set to set the ratings on fire. I know it will keep me home on a Friday. The match is pretty slow and plodding as you would expect with JBL being in it. It gets even MORE slow and plodding when the Boogeyman interrupts and although JBL hits the Stock Market Crash, he gets counted out because the Boogeyman freaks him out to much! And there are worms thrown in there somewhere. Matt Hardy with the moral victory!
BOOZE-O-METER: 6 White Russians

SEGMENT
Booker T and Sharmell contemplate who they can use to wrestle Booker’s match for him against Benoit because Booker is hurt. OJ offers his services, but since they don’t need a blonde white girl killed, they look elsewhere. In another part of the arena Melina is has a press conference to discuss her being a whore.

MATCH #2
The MEXICOOLS vs. THE DICKS
What has happened to Super Crazy and Psicosis? These guys are shells of their former self. And the Dicks are just languid in the ring and offer nothing new to the tag division. Put both of these teams together and you have one awful match. Super Crazy finishes with the moonsault. BOOZE-O-METER: 7 shots of Tequila

SEGMENT
Booker convinces Randy Orton to fight for him against Benoit cause Randy is all sad about losing to the Undertaker. Elsewhere Melina’s press conference is underway and she announces she will sue Batista for sexual harassment for his actions that involved poking her vestibule with his roid ridden wank. Ok, this is pretty fucking bad.

MATCH #3
RANDY ORTON vs. CHRIS BENOIT
Match 5, Booker Up 3-1
I guess since Booker and Benoit were having such good matches, they thought they would slow the pace down and throw in the headlock king in the match. Just to bring the quality down. Benoit tries his best to carry Randy to a good match here, and kind of succeeds, but Randy’s crappiness shines through. We do get a hot finish with Benoit slapping on the crossface which causes Sharmell to panic and hit Benoit with a crutch for the DQ. I don’t understand the psychology here. If she panics because Randy was going to lose the match, why not let him lose it? Why hit Benoit with the crutch? Why not hit Randy and cause the DQ on Benoit and make Booker a bigger heel in the process? Stupid booking all around here.
BOOZE-O-METER: 6 White Russians

SEGMENT
Funaki interviews Kid Kash who is here to make a name for himself and to beat some bodies and not no bodies. He snaps and gives Funaki the BBBBRRRAAAAAIIIIINNNNN BBBUUUSSSTTTAAA on the stage.

SEGMENT
Fit Finlay is returning. Should be interesting. Josh Matthews is in the back and not possessed by the Undertaker waiting to speak with Batista. Elsewhere, Sylvan is in the back wishing he was in a French speaking country. I hate the froggy bastard. What a HEEL!

MATCH #4
LASHLEY vs. SYLVAN
Lashley hits him in the face and Sylvan leaves because you can’t hit a model in the face. Except a SUPERmodel.
BOOZE-O-METER: 12 shots of Arrogance

MATCH #5
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
MNM vs. BATISTA & REY
So they hot shot the titles to Batista and Rey to try and give them credibility in their match against Big Show and Kane, and odds are, MNM will reclaim here. I really don’t understand their booking sometimes, but it’s been 4 years since I understood their booking, so what the hell. I have to say that my love for MNM grows over time as their in ring skills are improving by leaps and bounds every week. Especially when it comes to Mercury. He really is the star of this team. Anyway, the match is really good, carried by MNM and Rey, which of course leads to the hot tag to Batista who cleans house ONLY to be attacked by Mark Henry who has finally wandered out from the oblivion to wrestle again. Well not so much wrestle, but stand there and look fat. He press Slams Batista (almost dropping him twice) and this allows MNM to get the pin and the titles.
BOOZE-O-METER: 4 Guinness’s

OVERALL ALCOHOL INTAKE: 4 Guinness’s, 12 shots of Arrogance, 12 White Russians and 7 shots of Tequila. Not too bad of a SD this week as they kept the segments relatively short (except the press conference) and the matches were not all that offensive. MNM is going to be HUGE like I thought they would be, and the titles are back with them. Mark Henry isn’t really going to set the world on fire as a challenger to Batista, but a new face is a new face. Everything else remains relatively stagnant.