Welcome, mortals, to my domain. The Best Damn Raw Rant, PERIOD is back.
WWE has decided to go with the Ric Flair arrest and make it part of tonight’s show in the debut of Edge’s talk
show angle, The Cutting Edge. Also, Vince will be taking out the trash as pertaining to Eric Bischoff. Let’s roll right
into it.
Raw 12.05.05
New clip in the opening features Masters
with Angle in the MASTERfull Nelson. Theme and pyro brings us to Joey and we are in Flair country. Joey recaps Flair’s
arrest. Coach isn’t here tonight. Odd.
Vince drives a what is apparently the world’s largest garbage truck
to the ring. Vince tells us that he told Bischoff it would be time to take out the trash if he failed again, and he did. He
says we have a trash truck and the only thing that’s missing is the trash itself. He introduces Eric out for us who
walks solemnly to the ring. Eric stares at the truck for a bit before getting in the ring which is fitted with a desk, two
podiums and a leather (kinky!) chair for some reason. The people tell Eric he sucks before he gets a chance to talk.
Eric
says that this is more to him than a job. It’s not about what he does, but it’s about who he is (a woman? I KNEW
IT!). He basically begs for his job. Vince tells Eric he should ask why the podiums are here before embarrassing himself.
The crowd sings Na-na-na-na. He says everyone should have their day in court and tonight it will be the trial of Eric Bischoff
with Vince as judge. He has appointed defense council and prosecuting attorney.
Vince introduces the Defense Council
and it is Coach. so that’s where he went. Joey says that Johnny Cochran just rolled over in his grave. Coach tells Eric
not to worry because he’s got this. "You suck" chants begin again. Coach tells us the following, "My client, Eric Bischoff.....is
an asshole." He says that Eric is not paid to be anyone’s friend, he’s just paid to make a good show, which he
has done. He says Eric deserves to keep his job and get a raise. He goes on to say that Eric is the greatest GM in WWE history.
Vince now introduces the prosecution.
.......*SCREEEEECH* *CRASH!*
It’s Mick Foley, surprisingly. Mick’s
briefcase is a lunchbox. Foley says that no one has done more to benefit Raw than Bischoff. He says Eric’s benefit came
when he gave away the results of him winning the championship thus giving Raw a big ratings war boost. He says that was very
generous, but as a general manager Eric was conniving, manipulative and deceitful and has failed miserably at his attempt
to entertain the general public, including Charlotte (CHEAP POPS AHOY!). Vince says that either Eric will keep his job or
be taken out with the trash tonight as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Okay, Melina. Prepare
to eat my Bowser’s spiky-shelled dust!
WWE Unlimited: VV Disease, Tomko & Snitsky and the Heartthrobs
are here for the Fatal Fourway.
Back to the show. Big Show and Kane now have a combined Entrance that begins with Big
Show’s music then explodes with Kane’s pyro/music. Joey and King tell us that Big Show and Kane will face Batista
and Rey this Friday.
World tag Team Champion Big Show & Kane vs. Tomko & Snitsky vs. VV Disease vs. The
Heartthrobs
All hell breaks loose and Show takes care of Tomko while Viscera and Kane tangle. Show annihilates
Tomko and just watches as Viscera crushes Kane. Viscera turns around and stares down Show, but Kane attacks form behind and
Viscera gets whipped into a double chokeslam. Snitsky tries to run at them and gets a double big boot. Antonio comes off the
top with a cross body, but Show catches him and tosses him to the outside on Viscera. Show reaches over and throws Romeo in
for Kane to clothesline him.
Val is in and gets crushed in the corner by Kane’s clothesline and a subsequent
one from Show. Tomko tries a Soprano Kick, but Show blocks it while holding Val and Kane big boots him while holding Romeo.
They each grab a man with one hand and chokeslam all three men for the pin fall. Winners: Big Show & Kane
Special
Match "Fact": Big Show is not the tallest athlete in the world. That honor actually ironically belongs an Asian.
Show
and Kane celebrate with their belts and we go to the Trial room of WWE where we get the Law & Order sound. Vince puts
court into session. Vince tells Foley to get his boot off the table and call a witness. He calls Stephanie who still gets
theme music. Stephanie says both she and Shane believe Bischoff should be removed from office before playing the video footage
of Eric making out with her on Halloween. She says Eric impersonated Vince and violated her and three years later she hasn’t
gotten the taste out. Coach objects, but Vince tells him to shut up before correcting himself and saying, "Over-ruled" as
we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: How can a Knight be from the South Bronx? Knights were highly
educated.
WWE Unlimited: They use the Billy & Chuck wedding as evidence in Eric’s trial.
Back
to the show. Mickie James is out with Trish. The Garbage truck continues to sit in the middle of the way. She’s facing
Victoria. Something happened to Candice’s clothes...they ceased to exist.
Mickie James w/ Women’s Champion
Trish Stratus vs. Victoria w/ Candice Michelle & Torrie Wilson
Trish distracts Victoria and Mickie rolls her
up for two. Mickie gets a quick waist lock into a snap mare and running dropkick, but Victoria fights back and kicks Mickie
to the floor for Torrie and Candice to attack, but she fights them off and even fends off Victoria before sending her back
in. Victoria catches Mickie on the way in with a huge powerslam for two. Victoria begins hammering Mickie and scoop slams
her before standing on her...that’s a pin, ref. Mickie manages to rolls Victoria up for two again.
Victoria tosses
Mickie around and works the arm over, using a wrist lock. Mickie uses Trish’s forearm shots to try and break out and
tries to box free but, Victoria clotheslines her. Mickie is sent to the corner, but Victoria eats a boot and headscissors.
Mickie clotheslines Victoria and hits a reverse bulldog for two. Mickie launches a spinning mule kick and front kick before
using a round kick to flatten her., King calls it the Mick-kick combo.
Torrie gets on the apron and Mickie takes her
out. The ref is distracted by Torrie as Mickie dodges a clothesline from Victoria and hit another spinning kick to stop her.
Mickie goes up top, but Candice pushes her off. Trish hits Candice with a chick Kick, but Victoria rolls Mickie up for three. Winner:
Victoria
Special Match "Fact": Mickie’s tits are the one thing Big Show CAN’T fit one of his
hands completely over.
Mickie looks at Trish angrily for a bit before Trish talks her down. We go to the courtroom.
Tajiri is on the stand, speaking in Japanese with a translator. Tajiri says he was a big star in ECW and Japan, but Eric has
ignored this. He wishes a pregnant Rhino would sit on Bischoff’s head or something like that. Eric makes a match for
him with Triple H. Tajiri tries to attack Bischoff, but the bailiff, Chris Masters, hauls him off. Coach says that Eric did
this not out of spite or malice, but the spirit of competition. Vince smiles and says, "of course" before Foley calls his
next witness, "Mae Young." King tells us, "She was a witness when David killed goliath!" and Eric buries his head in his hands
as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: What the hell is Kong even the king of? He’s not a
monkey, and they don’t show any other apes, so what the hell?
WWE Unlimited: Foley asked Mae if she wanted
a drink and she pulled out a flask.
Back to the show. Mae is telling us Eric doesn’t have a penis. Coach objects
and Vince asks if there is a point to this. Foley plays footage of Mae making out with Eric then stripping and giving him
a pants-less bronco buster. Coach says the witness is old, senile and over-sexed and Eric tries not to puke. Vince sends the
ladies off as Eric’s first witness is called, Chris Masters the Bailiff. Vince thanks Masters for taking his cap off.
but why isn’t he wearing a shirt?
When Masters states his name, Vince Disqualifies him for saying his name was
Chris Masters when it is actually Chris Mordetzki. Vince tell shim to remove himself as we go to Shelton and Michaels in the
back. Shawn puts over Shelton’s background and his career in WWE has amounted to a big fat zero. He talks about how
Shelton has gone down hill since taking him to limit in the best Superkick on Raw, ever. He says nobody is better than himself,
and he may not be popular, but he’s successful. He asks Shelton if he wants friends or success and asks him what he’ll
be doing about his attitude problem. Shelton tells him he’ll be getting attitude and not to worry about him before storming
off. Joey and King pimp The Cutting Edge as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: How the hell could
it be that hard to find a poker game?
WWE Unlimited: Chavo defeated Rob Conway on Heat and Lance Cade returns
to the ring after breaking off from Murdoch with new music.
Back to the show. Coach is asked to call another witness,
but he’s putting it off saying their witness isn’t here yet.
Oooooo, Chavo! Chavo is here to roll with
a substantially less large-looking Lance Cade. Somebody didn’t get his injections this week. Eddie chants are big here.
Lance
Cade vs. Chavo Guerrero
Cade forces Chavo to the corner and pummels him. Chavo catches a charge from Cade with
a kick and unleashes on Cade by the ropes with lefts and rights. Chavo dodges a clothesline by Lance and comes off the ropes
but is back body dropped over to the floor. Lance attacks Chavo on the outside with a club to the back and rams Chavo into
the ring post. Eddie chants pick up as Lance hits a back breaker that Chavo kicks out of at two.
Cade gets pissed at
the chants as Chavo rallies back with some chants actually for him. Chavo annihilates Cade with a European uppercut and tells
him to bring it on. Chavo continues to just pummel Cade, but Cade comes from nowhere with a lift and charge to the corner
for several kicks to the midsection. Cade tells the ref to back off and the crowd is really into the match with "You suck:
chants. Chavo counters a vertical suplex into a DDT and signals for the Frog Splash and lands it for the three. Winner:
Chavo
Special Match "Fact": Chavo’s old finisher was the Gory Special, Gory Guerrero’s finisher.
Coach
has called Daivari to the ring. He ahs to remind Daivari to speak English. Daivari says Mick’s sprint as Commissioner
was pathetic and Eric has done a great job. Coach says he has no more questions and we see Vince wasn't paying attention.,
He says he was listening to Ashley Simpson on his new iPod and she sucks. Daivari goes to repeat himself, but Vince says it
isn’t necessary and tells him he won’t be refereeing Angle’s match tonight. Vince calls a recess and Mick
tells us that recess rocks before unpacking his lunch and tossing Eric a moon pie. I could go for a moon pie, Commercials
are a perfect time to get one.
Random Commercial Thought: Moon Pies rule!
Back to the show. The Cutting
Edge is set up and as Edge cuts the world’s most robotic introduction saying this is going to catch shit from everyone.
He calls himself the Rated R superstar and tries to get himself over as a Jericho type. As if HAL 5000 here couldn’t
get any worse, Lita is given the mic as well. They talk about themselves and last week the show was supposed to debut. He
says due to legal advice, Flair won’t be on the show tonight. Edge talks shit on Flair and recaps Flair’s current
problems. the crowd cheers Flair’s beating of a complete stranger. He gives us before and after pictures. Edge’s
promos are getting more wooden than King during a Divas Match.
The crowd gives a big "Edge sucks" chant which we all
know is Lita’s job. SGT Slaughter and Hayes come to the ring and tell Edge that Vince wants to see him. Edge introduces
them and Lita says they earn a check by kissing Vine’s ass. Hayes and Slaughter get in the ring. Edge asks Michael Hayes
if someone told him he had a bottle of Jack Daniels down here. Hayes grabs the mic and tells him he said the boss told him
to leave. Hayes says he doesn’t get it what’s with these kids today. He says they don’t care about anybody
or anything and don’t have any respect for the business that guys like them and Flair built. He says he respects Flair
for giving his life to this business.
He decides to ask a big, tough question himself to Edge. He asks how many times
Edge has been in the main event and sold out the arena, forced to turn people away. He asks how many times Edge has been World
Champion. He does the math for Edge because it won’t take long, it’s zero. Edge makes them cut Hayes’ match
and he continues to tell Edge to leave. Edge mentions Terry and shuts Hayes down reminded him that Terry died a long time
ago. Hayes gets pissed and tells Edge the only reason he has the show is because he’s banging Hardy’s ex-girlfriend.
Edge decks him and Slaughter, but Hayes breaks out and slams Edge to the corner. Lita jumps on his back and gouges the eyes
so Edge can deck him with the briefcase. Edge and Lita pose in the ring as we go to commercial. Thank GOD that’s over.
Random
Commercial Thought: Why does there always seem to be a horror movie that comes out on Christmas?
Back to the show.
they run the footage of Show challenging Hunter. Tajiri is in the ring and here comes The Game. (The Gersh: Appropriate to
have triple h and the trash truck in the same camera shot.)
Triple H vs. Tajiri
Tajiri attacks first,
attacking with martial arts prowess and hitting some serious impact, but Triple H cuts him off with a clothesline to the back
of the head when he tries the handspring elbow. Hunter pounds on Tajiri in the corner and hits a vertical suplex. Tajiri rolls
to the safe corner, but Hunter mocks Tajiri with a crane maneuver before charging in...to a sneak attack. Tajiri unleashes
on Hunter and hits the handspring elbow. Tajiri goes for the tarantula, but Hunter tosses him to the floor.
On the
outside, Hunter slams him into the ring barricade, but when he tosses Tajiri back in, the Buzzsaw holds the ropes for a Superkick.
Tajiri comes running at Hunter who magically heals himself for a spine buster. Hunter drags Tajiri up for the academic Pedigree
and the win. Winner: Triple H
Special Match "Fact": Everyone has beaten Tajiri, including Jonathan
Coachman.
Coach calls Simon Dean. the music plays and no one comes out. Vince gets pissed and all of a sudden the Boogeyman’s
music plays and he rises up out of the witness stand with his clock. Vince says the witness may step down. Boogeyman says
that "As the time draws near, it becomes clear and you (Eric) don’t belong here." Boogeyman smashes the clock on his
head and sinks back into the stand. Vince pears over to see where he went, Mick chews on a Moon Pie and Eric and Coach stare
at each other as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I wish I knew a guy like Monk. I’d leave
him in funny places, like a Hobo House.
Back to the show. Rita Cosby from MSNBC is here....who? In the back, Hunter
is scaring people and runs into Big Show. Show accuses him of walking around like a tough guy again and asks him how tough
he’ll be facing the big man down. In the court room, Maria is called by Foley. Damn, she’s hot. Foley dances with
her before asking her...she interrupts him to make sure he asks her with Mr. Socko.
Vince allows Mick to add a sock
to his prosecuting team. Foley asks in a high pitched voice what Maria thinks. She completely drops her bubble-gum chewing
black blond bit and dusts out the big words to say Bischoff should be dismissed as Coach and Eric look dumb-founded that she
has a brain. Maria saunters out and Vince, Mick and Socko look at her ass as she leaves. Coach tries to look too, but Eric
hits him. Vince says the last witness will be called back at the arena. They run a Randy/Taker package and Joey pimps the
Main Event as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I don’t have an arrow over MY head...I feel
left out.
WWE Unlimited: "Damning Evidence" for Eric is Jericho getting fired.
Back to the show. King
and Joey pimp "Wise Guys" which has Piper in it. Angle comes out and the chants are censored, but the censor guy misses his
beep and sound cut form being at the same time, and also misses the chants completely a few times. Daivari is here, but not
as the ref. Shelton is out followed by HBK. Shelton argues with HBK over who will start.
Shelton Benjamin &
Shawn Michaels vs. Kurt Angle & Carlito
Shelton finally gets to start with Carlito. Shelton works a side headlock
pretty hard, and Carlito tries to toss him off, but Shelton grab his arm and turns it into an arm wrench. Shelton switches
to a hammerlock, but Carlito ducks out into a wrench of his own that Shelton counters with a right. Shelton boxes Carlito
down and scares him into a corner where he tags in Angle who is confident against Shelton. Angle and Shelton square off and
Angle takes Shelton down by the ankle.
Angle works the toe hold, but Shelton kicks him off and hits an arm drag and
clothesline. Benjamin goes for a T-bone on Angle, and Carlito is in to stop him. Carlito eats a body press and Angle tries
to come from behind with a German, but Shelton flips out of it and kicks Angle down to the mat as we go to commercial.
Random
Commercial Thought: Birdman Lugz? Harvey Birdman has a shoe?
WWE Unlimited: The crowd rallies behind Benjamin
huge as he continues his aggression.
Back to the match. Shawn is in the ring with Carlito now and gets caught by a
reverse elbow, allowing Carlito to take advantage. Carlito hits a big swinging neck breaker as Shelton demands a tag. Shawn
tags in and Shelton rushes in with a nice backbreaker for two. Carlito keeps himself from going over the ropes and tries to
toss Shelton over, but Shelton lands on the apron and hits him from behind. Shelton takes Angle off the apron, but Daivari
knocks Shelton off.
Carlito tosses Shelton in and gets a one count. Carlito gets mad and pounds on Shelton. Angle tags
in and assaults Benjamin in the corner with a vicious flurry of blows. Angle trash talks Michaels and goes to get Benjamin,
but Shelton attacks with rights. Shelton comes off the ropes, but Angle hits a belly to belly and brings him back to the corner
for Carlito.
Carlito stomps on Shelton. Shelton punches his way up through Carlito’s hammering blows, but Carlito
picks up the pace and beats him down. Crowd rallies behind Shelton as Angle tags back in and German suplexes Shelton for two.
he presses the advantage on Shelton and picks up two again before using a high waist lock. Shelton fights up and Angle goes
for the Angle slam, but Shelton counters into a DDT. Shelton works his way up and both men make their tags. Michaels lands
the forearm and the inverted atomic drop. Dual clotheslines lead to a scoop slam and Michaels goes up top.
Michaels
lands the elbow and revs up the crowd for Sweet Chin Music. Shawn tunes up the band and Shelton blind tags in. Shawn gets
mad as Shelton comes off the rope with a high cross body, that Carlito ducks and rolls him up from for three. Winners:
Carlito & Angle
Special Match "Fact": They did this same angle with Jeff Hardy just before he was fired.
Shelton
pretty much cries that he lost as Shawn looks disappointed. Michaels comes over and extends a hand to help him up, but Shelton
just looks at him and gets up himself. when Michaels approaches him, he pushes him off. Shawn just lets Shelton go.
In
the lot a limo pulls up and Judge Vince is here with Stephanie to hear the closing arguments. They run into Hunter. Vince
says Vince should hear form the number one guy in the company first and he thinks Bischoff should stay because he’d
rather deal with the devil he knows and the devil he doesn’t. Vince says the only reason Hunter wants Bischoff is because
he can manipulate him. Vince introduces Steph and Hunter and she says hi. Hunter smiles and says hi back and they hold the
shot for a while before going to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: PSPs suck. The pixels are poorly made,
they are easy to break and they have more movies than games.
WWE Unlimited: They back the garbage truck to the
ring and Vince is played out to the Raw theme.
Back to the trial. Everyone is in the ring and Foley starts his closing
arguments. Foley calls Bischoff, "Erika" and says we have the truck and for the love of God, it’s time to take out the
trash. Coach tries to make his closing arguments and Eric grabs the mic from Coach to represent himself. Eric says he doesn't’
consider himself a joke. He says it is true that he’s done some horrible things even with members of Vince's own family.
He says Vince told him himself that controversy makes trash. The crowd is doing "What" chants. He says he doesn’t care
about these people, but he does care about their money. He says he knows how to separate them from their cash. He gives us
two words, "Elimination Chamber" and he says the Chamber will headline the next Raw PPV and be fro the WWE Title.
He
says Vince knows it will sell and they are a lot of like. They are both hated and respected. He asks Vince to keep his job.
He says he and Vince will make a fortune. Vince says he makes a good point and Cena’s music interrupts. Vince grooves
out to Cena’s music while in his chair. Cena tells everyone to relax. Cena says he isn’t here to tell him what
he thinks of Bischoff. He’s out here because Bischoff says he’s a great man, but he’s taken away the best
part of Monday Night Raw, the "You Suck" chants. He says they aren’t alike, but Vince is a pioneer for free speech.
He says Vince looks ridiculous in his robe, but he loves it. He says Bischoff is only pioneering censorship and introduces
10,000 surprise witnesses. He asks the crowd if we should keep Bischoff. No. he asks them if they want to see him get fired.
Yes. HE says the people summed up Bischoff’s career in two letters, FU.
Vince says he will take it to the people
and asks the people if they want to see the Elimination Chamber. Not that much of a response actually. He says what Eric says
has merit and at New Year’s Revolution there will be an Elimination Chamber and everyone will see it accept for Bischoff.
We finally get our magic words and Bischoff gets fired. He tells Cena to take out the trash and Eric eats an FU. Cena shoves
Eric out of the ring with a boot to the ass. On the outside, Vince helps Eric up and carries him to the garbage truck to be
tossed in. they close the compactor on him and Vince drives the garbage truck out as the show goes off the air.
Highlight
of the Night: The court segments were all funny as hell. A great improvement form the JR surgery bit.
Lowlight
of the Night: The Cutting Edge. Edge doesn’t have the charisma to pull a talk show off without a LOT of help.
Gonzo is back with the Alcohol-Fueled Smackdown Report. Randy and Taker/ Part 33 1/3 and Big Show & Kane continue to waltz around like they belong there.
I am an actor But I’m not Judd Hirsch I wasn’t on “Taxi” My
name is The Gersh
Worst…poem…ever (hey you try finding something that rhymes with Gersh). So it’s
me the “official” backup, second string, and maybe even heir apparent to Cameron’s slot as Raw Recapper
extraordinaire (if he gets 5 to 10). You see, he decided to pull a Stone Cold on his boss and kicked his ass. I only hope
he slammed two cans of beer together afterward. I’d have marked out for that. Anyway, he asked me to fill in this week
as and once again it’s a pre-PPV Raw (like my last two stints were), but actually this week’s is Armageddon which
is a Smackdown waste of cash. However we’re looking at five Elimination Chamber qualifiers so it has that pre-PPV feel.
We may also see who the new GM is after Eric Bischoff was fired last week. And finally, tonight is Tajiri’s last Raw
as he was sick and tired of not being announced from his actual hometown and being generalized as being from Japan. Let’s
get this thing started!
On the pre-show Unlimited, we get the introductions of the King, Joey Styles and the
losing defending attorney from last week, the Coach. Lilian Garcia then sings the National Anthem and leads the crowd in a
USA chant. I think it’s for the country, not the network. For the last couple of minutes before Raw hits the air, I
am watching Law and Order: Criminal Intent. I’d like to mention that an episode of the original Law and Order I worked
on aired this past week meaning I saw more TV time in the past week than many WWE superstars!
Recap of last week’s hilarious trial with People’s Court music. After seeing
the Boogeyman’s testimony again, I am really curious what WWE’s clock budget is since he breaks one every time
we see him. I wish Vince had trademarked “YOU’RE FIRED!” since Donald Trump tried to do so even though Vince
says it so much better.
Vince’s music hits instead of the usual Raw theme and we are live from Boston
(for once, this Recap will be geographically correct). He has a broken microphone and King says the sound guy should get fired.
He says Bischoff will stay fired and we should stay tuned for a tasteless sketch. OK maybe not. He lists potential new GM’s
such as Shane and Steph and says former Red Sox GM Theo Epstein was knocking on his door all day (that was funny). There will
be interviews all night for the position in addition to the qualifying matches. For the first one, the crowd will not be censored
and they scream “YOU SUCK” louder than ever for Kurt Angle. Ric Flair makes his first appearance since his road
rage incident as his opponent. Huge pop for the Nature Boy.
Kurt Angle vs. Ric Flair w/ Ring Rage (Elimination Chamber Qualifier)
Chops galore early on from Flair but Angle fights back and nails a suplex. An early
ankle lock attempt but Flair manages to get the ropes. We then go to commercial.
WWE Unlimited: Match continues outside the ring, then back inside where Angle is beating
down Naitch until he grabs him in the nuts. They end up back outside and Angle back body drops Flair on the floor. Back inside,
Angle continues to punish Flair.
Back to the show, and Angle has a chin lock on which Flair breaks up with a suplex.
He then clips the Olympic gold medalist in the knee a couple times to which Joey Styles mentions it’s legal here but
not for the New England Patriots. Flair locks in the figure four. Angle breaks it and nailed a suplex, then tries an Angle
slam but Flair knocks him out of the ring. Kurt grabs a chair but Flair kicked him in the stomach to make him drop it. Before
Flair can grab the chair, the ref took it away and during the distraction Angle grabs his gold medals and knocks the Nature
Boy out for the win.
Winner: Kurt Angle
Angle is on the mic pimping next week’s Afghanistan special. He says that the
trip was optional so he decided not to go. He doesn’t want to entertain the troops who represent a country that doesn’t
respect him. He then mentions Boston’s hometown heroes and asks Daivari if he is ready. They go to the Titantron and
Daivari spits on Larry Bird and is ready to spray paint Bobby Orr when another of Boston’s hometown heroes, John Cena
shows up and smacks Daivari. He says Angle is a heartless bastard for not going to Afghanistan. Interesting Cena then mentions
half the crowd even thinks he sucks, at least he is aware some fans have turned on him. He then says without the troops there’s
no America, and with no America, there’s no American heroes. And if he can’t get that, then you can’t see
him. Cena then spray paints the camera and gets fined 10,000 dollars for ruining company property.
WWE Unlimited: Some crap about Ashley and Flex magazine. Honestly could care less.
There was a commercial for the Raw on January 2nd in New Jersey. I heard that MSG isn’t
hosting WWE shows anymore because they charge too much to rent it. You know considering they always sell out here in NYC,
I bet they still turn a good profit as opposed to other cities where they often don’t sell out. The main event is Cena
and HHH.
Back to the show, Flair is sitting upset and Edge and Lita come by and mock him. We
then go to HBK and Shelton in the locker room. Shelton says Shawn let him down last week which sparks an argument. He then
says he’s going to show Carlito some attitude and hopes HBK makes it in too. And we already go to another commercial.
WWE Unlimited: Tard Grisham doing the sign scan of the crowd. One says “Wippleman
Fan Club”. Everything else is generic crap. I tell you, there’s nothing worse than having your view blocked by
some kid’s sign that says “I’m a Chain Gang Soldier”.
Shelton is on his way out for his match followed by the guy who makes his own apple
sauce, complete with his own saliva, Carlito.
Shelton Benjamin vs. Carlito (Elimination Chamber Qualifier)
Shelton shows a lot of aggressiveness early on. Carlito bounces back and does a unique
back breaker which looked pretty painful. Pin attempt for two and Carlito continues to work the back. Carlito goes for a Boston
crab (how appropriate) but Shelton rolls it into a pin attempt for two. Shelton then nails a Samoan drop and both men are
down for the count. Shelton is up and nails a couple clotheslines and does an unusual neck breaker. Cool move by Shelton as
he does a sunset flip where he jumps over the ref and Carlito but doesn’t get the pin. Carlito then blocks a second
rope attack with a nice move Shelton nails the T-Bone but then takes his time. He grabs Carlito’s apple and while he
contemplates what to do with it, Carlito pulls him into a small package for the win.
Winner: Carlito
Backstage, Vince is stopped by Trevor Murdoch saying he could be his “hucklebuck”.
After walking away, Vince calls him an idiot. He goes into his office and sexy music hits. That never happens when I go into
my office. Candice is there saying she should be GM because she has the best assets and has a practical orgasm while saying
it and disrobing. She also can do that stupid twirl. I wonder if she puts that on her resume. Angle storms in and wants to
talk. Commercial time!
WWE Unlimited: Maria (with hoarse voice) talks about some items in the auction on WWE.com
including a framed picture of Bischoff which she sticks her gum on.
Big Show is on his way out with a big smile on his face. I think he just came from the
buffet. Joey Styles mentions the match at Armageddon of Kane/Show vs. Batista/Rey. HBK enters and we have our next match.
Big Show vs. Shawn Michaels (Elimination Chamber Qualifier)
Big Show uses his strength early on but Shawn uses his speed. Show goes for the chokeslam
but HBK breaks it up. Show runs after him but goes over the top rope when he misses. HBK jumps over the top but Show catches
him and drops him on the apron. Back inside, a big headbutt for Show followed by a chop and walking right on his chest. He
then delivers a big boot but missed the elbow drop. Michaels tries to come back but gets caught in a bear hug. Shawn breaks
it up with a series of punches but just as he seems to be gaining control Show throws him in the corner. HBK then keeps trying
to knock the big man off his feet. On the third try, Show catches him for the chokeslam and in a cool visual, HBK counters
it with a DDT. He then nails Show with the top rope elbow drop and Sweet Chin Music. Show falls to his knee and HBK tunes
up the band again but Show blocks it and nails him with a chokeslam. HHH then runs down and pulls Shawn out of the ring, stares
at Show, then clocks HBK with the chair which got Show DQed.
Winner by DQ: Shawn Michaels
Angle is in Vince’s office screaming that he wants a match tonight with Cena in
front of his hometown fans. Vince screams back that instead of him wrestling Cena, it would be Daivari in the first ever “You
Can’t See Me” match in which Cena will be blindfolded. This brings back horrific memories of the Jake “The
Snake” Roberts-Rick Martel blindfold match.
WWE Unlimited: Big Vis is on his way out. The lyrics in his song are kind of funny,
one of them was “I’ve never seen anyone do something like that before.”
Chris Masters and his long ass intro commences. If Viscera wins this, I would be very
surprised.
Viscera vs. Chris Masters (Elimination Chamber Qualifier)
Viscera uses his size early on. Masters tries for a slam but fails then goes for the
MASTERfull Nelson but can’t lock it in. Viscera then delivers a side slam followed by a Samoan drop. Masters then nails
a drop toe hold and the Masterpiece manages to get the MASTERfull Nelson on the big guy and gets the victory.
Winner: Chris Masters
Coach then pimps the Kane-Trips match later and the Cena-Daivari match.
WWE Unlimited: Trish is muttering to herself about letting Mickie down easily which
sounds hot. Trish finds Mickie backstage and she is super excited (what else is new) because she has a #1 contender match
with Victoria tonight. She then goes into a whole thing about her grandpappy and how he took her to Wrestlemania 17. She also
makes a reference that Trish was sleeping with Vince.
They show what I just recapped and then Matt Striker comes out for a lesson. He has
a lecture on family values. He makes a crack at someone in the crowd that the only money his mom makes is when she’s
flat on her back. Hey, that means she’s a whore! He says the people are uneducated and that’s why he is there.
He’s Matt Striker and he’s gonna be our teacher.
Backstage, Vince tries on the blindfold and Chris Nowinski (WTF?) is there saying he
could be a good GM. Then Dusty Rhodes comes in and we go to commercial.
WWE Unlimited: Dusty is talking to Vince stating his case to be the GM.
Back to the show and Coach is thanking Scott Stapp for his song for the Tribute to the
Troops. I can’t think of a better way to shame our troops then using a song from the former lead singer of Creed. Trish’s
music hits and she comes out with Mickie. Trish goes to the announce table. Victoria comes out with cat’s eyes on her
boobs.
Mickie James vs. Victoria (#1 Contenders Match for Women’s Championship)
Victoria attacks early on but Mickie fights back. I’ll be honest that I am having
trouble recapping this match with all the boobs flying around. Mickie goes for the “Mick-a-canrana” but Victoria
counters to a Boston Crab which Mickie breaks out of. Mickie then nails a DDT and gets the three count.
Winner: Mickie James
Mickie is super excited and Trish doesn’t sound too thrilled. Trips is on his
way to the ring for his match which is next.
WWE Unlimited: Trish and Mickie are in the ring. Mickie is freaking out on the mic about
her match with Trish. So when they have this match, will they both come out to Trish’s theme music?
Back to the show and HHH is on his way out, and I don’t understand why he gets
pops still. The Big Red Machine then makes his entrance. This is the final of the qualifying matches.
HHH vs. Kane (Elimination Chamber Qualifier)
Kane starts the attack early. He does an overhead choke hold and after breaking it up
to avoid a DQ, Trips comes back. After some offense, Trips gets thrown over the top rope. It’s commercial time.
WWE Unlimited: Match continues with HHH throwing Kane into the steps. Back inside, he
continues the onslaught and there are a few small HHH chants. A big suplex is delivered on Kane followed by a knee drop but
only a two count on the pin attempt.
Trips nails a spine buster as the show comes back and a two count. He puts Kane in a
sleeper but it gets reversed to a suplex. Just as HHH goes to pick up Kane, he sits up himself and then attacks with punches
and clotheslines in the corner followed by a power slam. Kane then is about to go to the top rope but HHH goes outside. Kane
follows him and drops him face first on the ring barricade before throwing him back inside. Now Kane goes for the top rope
and nails the big clothesline. He is ready for the chokeslam but HHH climbs to the apron. Kane throws him over the ropes back
inside. Trips delivers a face buster and goes for the pedigree but it’s countered to a back body drop. The ref then
gets taken out. Kane goes for the chokeslam but HHH gives him the low blow and a DDT. He then goes outside for the sledgehammer
and not surprisingly, the Big Show comes out. While HHH is distracted Kane sits up and Show joins him for a double chokeslam.
Show revives the ref and Kane gets the pin. The IWC rejoices!
Winner: Kane
Backstage, Cena is on his way to the ring and we go to commercial.
WWE Unlimited: Daivari is on his way out with Angle.
Back to the show, and Cena gets a big hometown pop. We are ready for our main event.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Daivari (You Can’t See Me match, non-title)
Apparently only Cena is blindfolded in this one. Daivari is having fun taking advantage
of the handicap until he gets clocked. Cena then asks the crowd for help but Daivari manages to keep avoiding. Angle gives
a little assistance which the ref doesn’t see (or Cena for that matter). Cena then manages to get control and puts on
the STF for the tap out and win.
Winner: John Cena
Angle attacks Cena but with his vision back he is able to fight. He knocks Angle out
of the ring. He then gives Daivari the FU. Styles says the GM search will continue next week. Umm except that the Tribute
to the Troops is next week. Is there something they know in Afghanistan that we don’t?
Highlight of the Night: Shelton-Carlito,
Show-HBK, and Kane-HHH were all pretty good matches.
Lowlight of the Night: After
mentioning how this was Tajiri’s last Raw, he was nowhere to be found. I didn’t expect to see more TV time than
he did in the last week.
Overall, it was an OK show. It was definitely the best of the three that I’ve
recapped which isn’t saying much. Thanks again to Cameron and Sean for the opportunity.
I am the Gersh, and I'm coming to getcha!
WWE RAW RANT: (12/19/05) By CAMERON BURGE
Hey there, wrestling fans. Today was my father’s birthday so everybody wish him
a good one. Yours truly seems to have come down with a pretty bad head cold and at the moment, I certainly ain’t in
the Christmas mood. But hey, it could be worse.....I could be on Smackdown.
Raw 12.19.05-
Tribute to the Troops
You know, considering the cards they usually set up for these, you would think they might
as well rename it Torture for the Troops. Especially when a highlight from last year was Undertaker against Heidenriech in
a battle of the most wooden movements ever seen in a wrestling ring. You can pretty much expect the bare bones tonight as
far as production values and matches go.
Show opens with a shot of all the troops charging in a video montage to them.
It shows various acts that entertained the troops over the years and ends with the WWE stars from last year and this. We go
live to ringside in Afghanistan and Vince McMahon himself saunters constipatedly out. He basically thanks the troops for all
their hard work and rambles on for a while. He says that even Santa Claus himself will be here. Well, the jolly, old fat-ass
better be watching for those anti-aircraft guns. I saw how this ends on South Park. Vince tells us that we’ll see many
videos telling the stories of various troops tonight which are in fact simply a tool for me to be able to take breaks during
the show without missing out on anything.
Vince brings out Lillian who looks hot as HELL tonight and she sings us The
Star Spangled Banner which everyone calls "emotional and endearing." I would like to point out that during this Vince stood
in the Napoleonic Pose of one hand inside his jacket. Moving on.
Random Commercial Thought: The Maximum level
on the original Dragon Warrior Game was like 32 or something.
Back to the show. They run a video of the Superstars
signing autographs at the base which includes Carlito signing one for a kid with hair almost bigger than his. They also show
Vince, Hunter and Big Show visiting the wounded. Ashley keeps popping up for some retarded reason.
Carlito is here
and he looks THRILLED for his match with Big Show. He kind of chases Lillian around a bit before the Goliath of our match
comes out to a big crowd pop.
World Tag Team Champion The Big Show vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool
Show scares
Carlito into a corner and the ref has to make him back off to get us restarted. Carlito goes for a tie up and show just tosses
him off forcing the afro warrior to the outside. Show drags Carlito in by the hair, but a cheap show puts Carlito on the offensive.
He continues to catch Show on the top rope and goes up top. Carlito comes flying like a majestic EAGLE from the top rope....into
a chokeslam and the loss. Academic. Winner: Big Show
Special Match "Fact": Supposedly, Carlito actually
does have a wide array of aerial moves in his arsenal, but he has never been allowed to use them.
The troops still
feel like Show is the greatest thing since sliced bread (which is the greatest thing since whole bread). Joey and King pimp
the HHH/HBK Boot Camp Match that is our main event. They run a video montage of training and how a man lost his leg to a land
mine. Commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: don’t think faking retardation to rig the Special Olympics
sis so easy. Those mongoloids can really pack a punch. Just ask Nick Dinsmoore.
Back to the show. Coach is in the ring
and says he has a very special guest, Santa Claus. The incredibly shitty Santa comes out in a Santa-rized fatigue jacket and
camo pants. Santa says that if Afghanistan were any better...it would still suck and everyone needs to have a rotten Christmas.
Did he bring his Christmas Creature with him too? The troops seem so entertained by this that they could fall over dead from
boredom at any minute. Santa is eventually interrupted....by Santa? Yes, a Santa clone makes his way to the ring now.
This
Santa is in a incredibly brighter mood and Coach wonders which could possibly be the REAL Santa as apparently he never got
that particular talk from his parents. Our new Santa is much fatter at least and dressed in traditional Santa clothes. The
new Santa suggests a No Ho-Ho-Holds Barred Match to determine the future of Christmas.
Evil Santa(JBL) vs. Good
Santa(Mick Foley) (No Ho-Ho-Holds Barred Match)
Immediately the wigs come off and our Santas are revealed for who
they truly are. JBL works Mick over in the corner with vicious rights until Mick grabs his bag of toys and cracks him over
the head several times. Mick fishes around in the sack and gets some pliers which he applies to JBL’s jolly nuts. As
JBL rolls around in pain, Mick rips off his pillow fat suit and does a Cactus Jack taunt that gets the crowd going. Mick then
turns around directly into a big boot. JBL attempts a clothesline and Foley ducks right into a Double Arm DDT. Mr. Socko is
out and the Mandible Claw finishes off our Evil Santa. Winner: THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS! JOY TO THE WORLD AND ALL THAT
HAPPY BULLSHIT!
Special Match "Fact": Glen "Kane" Jacobs once portrayed an evil Christmas monster known
as the Christmas Creature.
Mick celebrates after the match and tosses his Santa hat to the crowd before we are "treated"
to yet another boring troops video.
Random Commercial Thought: I don’t think any amount of drugs could
get me to shove something the size of my fist in my mouth, though I’m sure several amounts of money could.
Back
to the show. WWE Rewind shows Bischoff getting fired. We get a shot of a helicopter and a brief word about our sponsors interplayed
with it. They run a video about Rita Crosby from MSNBC coming along with everyone on the plane and helping out. They interview
the wrestlers as to what they thought of her and show several snippets from her troop interviews. This video goes on way too
long. I’m pretty sure these guys came here to see a wrestling show, not a video montage of themselves. Back to the commercials.
Random
Commercial Thought: What is USA Network giving you for Christmas? a Bunch of sucky movies! Enjoy!
Back to the show
where we get a brief interview with the Media Relation chief and move on to Shelton Benjamin. And as for his opponent, the
War on Terror WASN’T HIS FAULT. It’s Gene Snitsky. For some reason, Gene does his best Simmons impersonation in
an impromptu audition for Kiss and gets this match started.
Gene Snitsky vs. Shelton Benjamin
Things
start quick, but Shelton runs right into an early clothesline. Gene gets excited and rips a turnbuckle cover off. Snitsky
goes for a vertical suplex, but Shelton counters in mid air with a neckbreaker. Shelton goes on the offensive with rights
and kicks and hits a flying forearm. Shelton goes up top and hits the flying clothesline before mounting Gene for some punches.
The ref has to pull him off and the two argue with one another. Gene rolls into the corner and Shelton breaks free of the
ref to go for the Stinger Splash, but Gene ducks out of the way. Shelton crashes into the exposed turnbuckle and Snitsky pins
him for three. Winner: Gene Snitsky
Special Match "Fact": Several troops tried to plant warning flags
on Snitsky’s back which to them resembled an active mine field.
They run another brief video montage before returning
to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: The Bible would be much more interesting if God were named something
like Mike or Bruce.
Back to the show and the Champ is here. He’s got his own little flag with him and we see
that Rita Crosby is in the audience. Big crowd support here as John gets ready for his non-title match. Masters, who still
gets a classy entrance cape and flex pose, actually garners quite a bit of support. To my absolute HORROR he does the old
Lex Luger "Sexy Flexy" pec flex as he comes down the aisle.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Chris Masters (Non-title
Match)
the tie up and stand evenly until Masters leans heavily into it and forces John to the corner. The ref makes
them break up and Masters signals for the belt around his waist. Cena jumps him and locks in a side headlock. Masters whips
Cena off, but John lands a cross body for two. Masters tries a side headlock of his own and comes off of it with a shoulderblock
to build momentum. Masters runs the rope and Cena goes under then leapfrogs before taking Masters to the mat with a front
headlock. Back on their feet, Masters is sent over the ropes and to the floor.
Cena follows him out and gets slammed
around for his trouble before being tossed back in. Masters lands a sledge to the lower back and knees Cena in the shoulder
from a front headlock position. Cena works his way up and punches free before Masters reverses and Irish whip into the MASTERfull
Nelson. Cena staggers around and tries to break the lock, but for some odd reason Masters just tosses him off. Masters goes
up top and misses. Both men work to their feet and exchange blows until Cena ducks a punch and hits the shoulderblock.
Clotheslines,
and Protobomb follow with a Five a Knuckle Shuffle to cap it off. Cena signals and hits the FU to wrap it up. Winner:
John Cena
Special Match "Fact": Cena’s moveset leading up to a victory is reminiscent of Bret Hart’s
Five Moves of Doom.
After the match, Cena rallies the crowd some more before we get another troop montage. For some
reason they run the stills of stuff that hasn’t even happened yet tonight as part of the video.
Random Commercial
Thought: The Rocketman Video game was shitty even for an NES game.
Back to the show. Coach is in the ring shooting
off his big mouth again. ( I wonder if he celebrates Kwanzaa?) Anyway, the short of it is that he talks his way into an Intercontinental
Title Match with Ric Flair....wouldn’t it be great if he won?
Intercontinental Champion Ric Flair vs. Jonathan
Coachman (Intercontinental Title Match)
Flair struts his stuff and they tie up with Coach getting sent to the corner
and trying to wriggle free only escaping by elbowing Ric in the mouth. He tackles Flair form behind and chokes him out with
his shirt before stomping on the champion. Flair uses a thumb to the eye to get back up and go to work with some knife edge
chops (hey, it worked on that loser in Charlotte). Coach eats some canvas after a flurry of punches in the corner and Ric
attacks the mat before dragging Coach up for a low blow and chop to the chest. Ric grabs the leg and locks on the Figure Four
for the tap out victory. Winner: Ric Flair
Special Match "Fact": Ric Flair fought in a past war in
this area.....The Crusades.
Flair celebrates for the crowd and stops to shake hands with several troops on his way
out. They run a video about artillery and several fighting locations.
Random Commercial Thoughts: DOA also has
a new movie coming out sometime next year.
Back to the show. They run a video about Candice’s experiences followed
by those of several other superstars. Several Superstars apparently signed a warhead. That’s lovely.
In the back,
Maria is lost and Candice has to go find her and drag her back. We get a quick locker room segment with Trish and Ashley before
returning to Maria and Candice coming back in the building and making to guards’ day. Commercials again?
Random
Commercial Thought: Poker makes the world go round.
Back to the show. After another brief video, the Divas make
their way out. Trish is in Camo, while Candice and Ashley both went with the Santa theme. I’m not quite sure what’s
going on with Maria’s disco skirt.
Women’s Champion Trish Stratus & Ashley vs. Candice Michelle
& Maria
Ashley wants to start with Maria and she doesn’t really want to. The tie up rather angrily and
Maria hits a nice snap mare takedown into a side headlock., Maria jumps up and celebrates before sweeping Ashley up for two.
Ashley backs off to her corner and Candice tags in calling on Trish. Ashley points to Trish and the crowd agrees so Trish
tags in. Candice suddenly doesn’t want to fight so much anymore and backs off in the ropes.
Candice goes to ringside
and crowd surfs before standing on the shoulders of the troops and returning to the ring. Candice stops Trish yet again for
the Go Daddy Dance a lounging pose on the ropes. Trish knocks her off and to the floor and poses there herself. Candice dashes
in and misses a clothesline with Trish catching he with a flying forearm and mounted punching. Trish tries the headscissors,
but gets the ref with it instead somehow. Trish checks on the ref, Allowing Candice to catch her from behind.
Trish
regains the advantage with some hard strikes and chops in the corner until Candice comes off the ropes with a stiff kick,
She goes to tag in Maria, but Maria ignores her and dances for the crowd. Candice goes up top, and Trish tries the Stratusphere.
Candice throws her off, but Trish finally hits her headscissors on the ground. Trish tags in Ashley and they hit a double
elbow after a snap mare. Ashley sends Candice to the corner, but she jumps over Ashley and rolls her up with a handful of
Santa Suit for the win. Winners: Candice & Maria
Special Match "Fact": This is Maria’s first
time teaming with a heel.
Joey pimps the Main event and they run a video of Troops who were lost in combat before we
go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Square Enix makes more RPGs than any other game company.
Back
to the show. The run a video of how they set up the arena. It’s time for our Boot Camp match. In case you are wondering
what that is, It’s a Hardcore Match with a stupid name. Its kind of funny to watch Hunter just stand there moodily without
his fancy lights and spit in the air. Shawn comes to the ring in camo.
Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels (Boot Camp Match)
Triple
H immediately goes for the side headlock, but Michaels gets out only to be taken down by a shoulderblock. Michaels gets an
arm drag into an arm wrench. Triple H works out and forces Michaels to the corner, but Michaels reverses an Irish whip and
meet him in the other with a corner charge before going back to the arm wrench on the mat. Shawn lands a shoulderblock and
tries a cradle pin, but gets no count.
Shawn continues the arm, but Hunter sends him to the floor with a sharp elbow
shot as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Oh, Mario. Is there no sport you can’t play? Maybe
Cricket? But then again, nobody knows how the fuck to play that.
Back to the show. Michaels gets back body dropped
over the ropes and to the floor again. hunter follows him out and the two brawl their way down the aisle and Triple H tries
a pedigree, but Shawn backdrops out. King warns Shawn not to grab the Machine Gun there as a weapon so he takes one of the
sandbags there instead and chucks it at The Game. Hunter just catches it and looks at him so he takes another sandbag and
clubs him in the head with it instead.
Michaels wails on him on the ground until Hunter tosses him off and the ref
has to catch him. Triple H stagger up and the ref tells them to get back to the ring, apparently forgetting there are no rules
in this match. They brawl back up the aisle again and into the ring. Shawn chops Hunter in the corner and whips him to the
other hard enough to flips him outside. Michaels fetches a mop form ringside as if the weapons weren’t ridiculous enough
already, and he nails Hunter with the wet mop. The Game catches Michaels off guard and whips him to the ring post. Back in
the ring, Michaels goes for a clothesline, but Triple H ducks and the ref gets clobbered instead. Hunter lands a DDT and a
new a ref runs out to make a two count.
Triple H gets pissed and shoves Chad Patton. Chad shoves him as hard as he
can back and flashes his Army patch saying he better back down. Hunter salutes and promptly knocks him out. hunter goes up
top and jumps off right into a boot to the jaw so the ref (not Chad) starts a standing ten count that makes it to nine. The
two trade blows with Michaels nailing the forearm and nip up. Inverted Atomic Drop leads to shoulderblocks a scoop slam into
the elbow.
Shawn tunes the band, but Hunter ducks the music and goes for a Pedigree. Michaels counters into a slingshot
to the corner and hits Sweet Chin Music for the win. Winner: Shawn Michaels
Special Match "Fact":
I’m wearing dessert camo pants too right now.
They send off the troops with a hearty farewell as the show goes
off the air (it‘s enough to make you barf, ain‘t it?).
Highlight of the Night: HBK/HHH wasn’t
too bad, but they didn’t really have a whole lot to compete against.
Lowlight of the Night: Santa vs.
Santa? What the fuck was that bullshit?
I would pimp everyone’s articles right now, but frankly, I’m getting
way too sick to stay awake any longer. Just remember to Vote for the Writer of the Year. Because frankly, if Bacon wins, I’ll eat my sock.
WWE RAW RANT: (12/26/05) By CAMERON BURGE
Merry Belated Christmas everyone. Whether it’s a quiet evening spent in front of the fire of your palatial
estate with your rich (probably white) family. Or if it’s a lonely night spent warming yourself in front of a crackpipe
singing quietly about the pretty colors (in which case, you‘re also probably white). I hope you had a good time.
Because
now it’s time to get back to the REAL world and do your sucky dead end job like the rest of us.
Raw 12.26.05
Tonight we will be having a contract signing between Triple H and Big Show as well as the
Beat the Clock Matches that must be a standard now from last year’s Chamber buildup.
Show opens with Vince McMahon’s
happy mug wishing us all Happy Holidays and saying we’ll see our new replacement GM. He lists off the matches for tonight
including saying that the Beat the Clock matches will determine who will be released last. He says that isn’t all because
Santa left him the Bret Hart DVD (Santa is Canadian?). Tonight he’ll be going to the ring to give his candid review
of the DVD and wishes Bret a Happy Canadian New Year (enjoy your Beaver).
Theme and pyro open the show properly and
Joey welcomes us. They once again recap the card for us as if we weren’t just paying attention two seconds ago. HBK
will be the first man up to Beat the Clock (which is of course, what Boogeyman does every time he shows up). Shawn is set
up as we wait for...Snitsky. It should be noted that since the new drug policy was enforced, several wrestlers have...shrank.
Including Snitsky who’s back also mysteriously cleared up.
Shawn Michaels vs. Gene Snitsky (Beat the Clock
Match)
Shawn strikes early with chops as King tells us that if Snitsky wins he won’t get a WWE Title shot
like last year’s stipulations apparently. Shawn’s attempt at a sunset flip fails and Snitsky tries to punch him
in the head, but he wriggles away. Shawn gets shut down by a huge clothesline and Snitsky whips him hard into the turnbuckle.
Snitsky hits a side slam for two and sends Shawn out. King says Santa should be jealous of Snitsky’s new beard.
Snitsky
bashes Michaels’ back into the ring apron and rolls him in for two. Snitsky slams Michaels with a one handed scoop slam
and an elbow drop picks up two. Shawn crawls around like a paraplegic in a back commercial and catches Snitsky by surprise
with a fist to the stomach. Snitsky recovers and crushes Michaels in the corner with a huge right. Snitsky hooks on a bear
hug at 3:30. Shawn fights three and he and Snitsky have a chop/punch war. Shawn gets the advantage and comes off the ropes
with the flying elbow and nip up. Inverted atomic drop and clothesline level Snitsky, but when Michaels goes for the scoop
slam his back gives out and Snitsky clobbers him for two.
Snitsky sets Michaels up top and tries to follow him, but
Michaels sends him off and drops the elbow. Shawn starts tuning the band and Snitsky counters with the huge boot for two.
Snitsky chokes Michaels out in the corner and the ref drags him away for Michaels to get a good shot at him with the music
for three at 5:56. Winner: Michaels
Special Match "Fact": The irony of the Tuning up the Band spot
is that Michaels hardly ever hits the music off it.
King and crew tells us that next is The Cutting Edge (which is
ironic since this segment is anything, but that) with Ric Flair....again.
Random Commercial Thought: My cat
has that same manic reaction to laser lights.
Back to the show. Edge and Lita’s tits are in the ring. Edge has
put Ric’s mug shot on the screen. And from experience I found out that the reason nobody smiles in their mug shots is
because the cops hate it when you do that (I tried). Edge introduces Ric on the screen and it’s just a gay picture of
Ric with a moving Ric mouth. He uses Stone Cold’s line and Edge calls him on it before telling everybody where he stole
all his signatures from. The Nature Boy, the chop and the Whoo (which he says came from Jerry Lee Louis) he says he’ll
rip stuff off from Ashton Kutcher to Larry the Butcher. Lita asks him what happened and "Flair" says that he beat the guy
up because he said Edge was better than him.
If it weren’t for the fact that this was so poorly done with edge
trying his best to be the clever heel Chris Jericho was....with absolutely none of the cleverness and less of the in ring
ability. Edge says he IS better and when "Flair" tries to say he’s been the sixteen time champion he gets cut off. Edge
says when he cashes in his title shot his reign will be much better than all of Ric’s....which will probably sadly be
true. The false Ric says Edge is the man and Edge tells everyone to give it up for the Nature Boy. The crowd finally wakes
up when the real Flair arrives and removes his jacket.
Flair walks over to edge then starts heading for Lita, but Edge
asks him what he came here for asking if he will finally admit who is better. Flair just launches into a flurry of punches
and belts Edge to the ground. Lita tries to drag him off as Edge runs to ringside. Flair chases Lita around the ring as Edge
escapes down the ring and (apparently she got lost with the complicated direction). Flair taunts them in the ring as we go
to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: They’re full alright....of shit.
Back to the show, where
we can not LIVE without an incredibly bad talk show angle. Chris Masters’ entrance is going as Joey tries to welcome
us back King and Coach tell him to shut up for the entrance and Joey explodes at them about how ridiculous that is. And his
opponent is....oooOOOoo, Chavoooo! Joey doesn’t think Chris can beat Chavo at all. The crowd starts Eddie chants as
Chavo cheers them on.
Chris Masters vs. Chavo Guerrero (Time to Beat: 5:56)
Chavo dodges a quick grab
and bitch slaps Masters. When Masters charges again, Chavo duck under and rolls him up for two. Chavo ducks to the outside
to wear down the clock and chokes Masters out on the ropes when he tries to grab him. Chavo rushes in for a quick cover and
Masters finally catches him and sends him tot he corner hard. Chavo ducks from the corner and hits a nice dropkick to sends
Masters sprawling to the floor. Chavo gets caught with a cross body and slammed viciously into the apron. Chris shoves Chavo
in for two and hits him hard on the back with elbows and sledgehammers.
Chris signals for the lock and sizes Chavo
up. Chavo hooks his arms and blocks the hold. Eddie chants gets huge as Chavo elbows out only to get caught on a cross body
again. Chris hits a fall away slam and a snap mare for barely two. Masters knees Chavo in the shoulders as "Let’s go,
Chavo" chants start. Masters hits a scoops slam and leg drop, but his name isn’t Terry Bolea so it only gets two. (it’s
the three minute taunting that makes it work). Masters hits a backbody for one and tries another pin that gets only one as
well.
Eddie chants rise once more and Chavo continues to take a beating with a forearm to the spine. Masters signals
the lock again and Chavo throws him off with an arm drag and when Chris tries again he drops to his ass and slides out. Masters
tries again and gets a shot to the gut. Chavo rallies and gets Masters reeling on the ropes. Masters tries to take him for
high impact, but Chavo rolls through for two. Chavo catches a dropkick from nowhere with 45 seconds left. Chavo catches Masters
in the corner with a boot to the face and Masters counters the Tornado DDT by placing Chavo on the apron.
Masters
puts Chavo in the MASTERfull Nelson on the apron and lifts him into the ring, but Chavo refuses to submit until the time runs
out and Chris throws him from the ring. Winner: No Contest
Special Match "Fact": The name Chavo is
basically the Hispanic equivalent of the name Jack.
Masters grabs the mic and saying the clock is fast and everyone
is trying to hold him down. Masters hilariously says his New Year’s Resolution is to become the youngest WWE champion
ever at New Year’s ...Resolution? King corrects him as Chavo attacks from behind and sends Masters sprawling to the
floor. Chavo encourages the rise of huge Eddie chants and Chavo’s theme plays as Masters fumes on the floor. We get
a shot of Angle headed to the ring as Coach tells us Kurt has an important announcement to make after this word from our sponsors.
Random
Commercial Thought: There's a lesson to be learned from this...if you don’t eat your Snickers...our house will burn
down?
Back to the show. For some reason, Kurt isn’t in the ring, but in a curtained area talking about the Tribute
and saying how proud he is he didn’t go to Afghanistan. He says that they don’t deserve medals for doing what
is already there job before once again reminding us he won some medals with a broken neck. He says that since there hasn’t
been a draft since Vietnam, all these guys volunteered to be there and are still bitching. He says he didn’t get paid
to do what he does, but at least they do.....and then my signal cuts out. It comes back in after and Vince is watching Bret’s
video and talking to Torrie.
Vince says if she wants to be GM, some people says she is a beautiful over-sexed, bitch.
Torrie turns to show us that Vince was actually talking to her dog. Tard runs in and says Vince wanted to see him. Vince tells
Tard to tell Flair he’ll be defending his IC belt at the PPV against Edge. Vince asks Bret how he looked when he interviewed
him on Byte This. Vince asks Todd if he though Vince could beat Bret up. Todd says yes and Vince tells Torrie that he loves
to play with puppies before making kissy faces at the dog.
Elsewhere, Mickie has decorated the locker room with socks
and stuff and Mickie says she was sorry they didn’t get to celebrate Christmas together and their Christmas gift is
their match. Mickie interrupts her from saying she'll do anything to keep her title by pointing out the most obvious gag ever...
a mistletoe. the crowd gets pretty riled up for the big kiss and Trish leaves angrily as Mickie tries to say she was sorry.
After Trish leaves. Mickie has an emo moment and calls herself stupid as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial
Thought: How can you call a sequel to a movie about imaginary creatures "Evolution"? Isn’t that oxymoronic?
Back
to the show. Joey puts over Shawn as having the best time so far. Angle is on his way out now as the crowd practices their
"you sucks." Kurt’s opponent is....Daivari. Kurt laughs as Daivari pretends to be interested in fighting Kurt.
Kurt
Angle vs. Khosrow Daivari (Time to Beat: 5:56)
Daivari winds up and suddenly catches Malaysian Fever and falls
dead on the ground. Kurt covers and the ref counts to two before stopping and asking if they are serious about this. Kurt
gets pissed and tells him to count so Kurt covers again and the ref once again counts to two before getting mad that they
aren’t wrestling. Angle shoves Mike and Mike shoves back before Angle chases him from the ring, the ref doubles back
in the crowd confusion and gets to the ring where he counts Kurt out so he loses to Daivari and thus has no time to beat. Winner:
Daivari
Special Match "Fact": Daivari’s finisher is actually a flying leg drop, though he’s
only been using the Camel Clutch recently.
Kurt is pissed that his trick got him tricked and we see Big Show on his
way to the ring for the contract signing which will be right after these commercials.
Random Commercial Thought:
Quentin Terentino presents...a movie he didn’t write or direct.
Back to the show. Slam of the Week is how Big
Show got Triple H to lose to Kane. Coach is in the ring with the table and contract and introduces Triple H. King puts over
the importance of New Year’s Revolution with all the gold on the line (except for the tag belts) and the Hunter/Show
match. Joey puts over Mike and says we should nominate him for referee of the year. Joey and King then decide to say Hunter’s
spitting is pretty cool...I see guys do that on the street all the time, actually. Coach then introduces Big Show and here
he is. show picks up the chair and throws it from the ring for no reason.
Coach asks if either man has any questions
about the contract and Show just smiles. Coach asks Big Show to sign first and he looks over the contract like some sort of
gargantuan lawyer before signing and Coach lays the contract on the other side for Triple H to sign. Before signing, Hunter
feel the need to remove his jacket...because that’s what Flair would do God Damnit! hunter gets the mic and says he’s
been listening to Show call him name and talk shit and all that time he has no reason to fight him, but that wasn’t
good enough. Hunter says he has a problem now, because Big Show screwed him out of his shot at the title, but Hunter did the
same thing. Triple H says Big Show has everything handed to him while he worked hard to get what he has....BWAHAHAHAHAA! Oh
wait, he’s serious?
Hunter says the only reason people pay to see Big Show is because he is a freak. Hunter says
he has recently had to reevaluate how he felt about him (special feeling, Trips?). He says that all Show really is, is a really
tall guy, and the world has a ton of those. He says he looks at Big Show and just says an over-inflated basketball player.
Show tells him to look at who he is talking to, because he no longer has DX or Evolution. No backup. no help. He says at NYR
his time will come if he just shuts his mouth, but if he keeps running his mouth, he’ll up the time to right here and
now. Hunter says he doesn’t need any backup for someone like fat boy.
Hunter stabs Show in the eye with a pen
and grabs a sledge that was under the table. Show takes Hunter down and headbutts him, but when he charges, Hunter pulls the
ropes down for show to tumble to the floor. Show places his hand on the stairs to steady himself and Hunter crushes his fingers
with the sledgehammer before Coach brings the contract and he signs it. Show rolls around and holds his hand calling Hunter
a son of a bitch as he leaves. Joey puts over that his right hand is his Chokeslam hand and he will probably have to work
with one now as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I can count to Potatoes too.
Back to
the show. They replay what just happened. John Cena’s match will be next as we find out Stacy is going to be on Dancing
with the Stars in a video piece. Cena makes his way out to quite a bit of fanfare. Cena prepares before...Shelton comes out.
Joey puts over Shelton’s horrendous losing streak and Cena looks confused to whether or not he can do this.
WWE
Champion John Cena vs. Shelton Benjamin (Time to Beat: 5:56)
Cena and Shelton tie up and Cena gets a side headlock
and shoulderblock into a quick cover for one. Cena tries an Fu, but Shelton wriggles out. Cena gets a wristlock on and Shelton
flips off the ropes out of it, but Cena scoops him into the FU. Shelton rolls through the FU into a quick pin and Cena goes
back on the offensive. The two blows a reverse elbow spot allowing Cena to get two. Cena goes for a vertical suplex and Shelton
counters into a hangman’s neckbreaker for two. Girl-boosted Cena chants rise and Cena picks up two, Cena misses a clothesline
and Shelton hits a cross body for two. Shelton pops off a neckbreaker out of nowhere for two.
Cena whips Shelton to
the corner to work the back and hits a side slam for two. Cena looks at the clock desperately and goes back to Shelton who
hits a spinebuster as the crowd divides into the men with "Let’s go Shelton" and the women with "Let’s go Cena"
Shelton once again reverses the FU at the two minute warning. Shelton comes off the turnbuckle with amazing impact to only
pick up two again. Shelton puts on the Cena and the dueling chants get out of control. Shelton flips out of Cena’s counter
and goes back to the chin lock. Cena is worked back to his knee and counters into a protobomb as Joey points out how desperate
he must be to use it out of order from the rest of his moves. Cena rallies into his combo and hits a fisherman suplex instead
of the protobomb for two.
Cena catches Shelton when he tries to float over in the corner into an FU and Shelton grabs
the ropes and works the time clock by holding them despite the count so Cena’s time runs out.
Cena dumps him
after the time and confront him outside. Shelton tries a kick to the midsection when Cena is against the ring post. Cena block
and Shelton goes into the dragon whip but only cracks the ring post and lands on his head because Cena ducks away. Cena tosses
Shelton back in, hits the FU and locks on what Joey now calls the STFU for the tap out victory. Winner: Cena
Special
Match "Fact": What Joey calls a sit-out powerbomb is Cena’s Protobomb, but a the Batista Bomb is actually what Joey
describes.
Post match, Daivari and Angle attack. Cena chucks Daivari as soon as he arrives and he and Kurt brawl until
refs and security pry them apart. Cena break free for a cheap shot and Angle is hauled form the ring as the refs hold Cena
back again and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Nobody needs a burger that big except for maybe,
Viscera...and Bertha Faye....And Hunter on weekends.
Back to the show where Shelton is on the phone to start his really
retarded mother angle. He is telling the mystery person that he lost and it wasn’t his fault he gets surprised when
he finds out that this person is coming next week and lies saying it will be great to see them.
Striker is in the back
with Vince saying he wants to be GM. Vince says Striker is articulate and asks him hypothetically what he would say. HE says
he would make "Jonathan and Kurtis" both write a 500 page paper on rules and regulations. Vince says he always hated teachers
and got thrown out (he says they also called him "Mr. McMahon" in grammar school) for fighting. He said he always wanted a
teacher to tell him to do that. He says he loves violence and next week it will be Angle/Cena in a First Blood match. Striker
looks like he’s going to puke as Vince says he has a video to review and goes back to watching Bret’s DVD.
Back
at the desk, Coach tells us Carlito has a special holiday message. Unfortunately no one can understand it. Carlito does a
rhyme about who all he’s spit on. He says he’ll be Champion in 2006. "In 2006. Carlito will rule...and unlike
all of you. That would be cool." He then spits all over the camera as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
The IRS is in fact an evil sadistic cult bent on world domination.....AND THEY KILL KITTENS! I SWEAR!
Back to the show.
Carlito is here, with his none existent finisher and big hair (imported). He’s facing Victoria for some reason. Victoria
looks nervous as hell. Carlito falls on the floor laughing and take his time taking his stuff off after the bell rings.
Carlito
Caribbean Cool vs. Victoria w/ Michelle, Torrie Wilson & Chloe(Time to Beat: 5:56)
Carlito just taunts her
friends as Joey reminds us that female wrestlers have defeated the males in the past in WWE. They tie up and Carlito forces
her to the corner rubbing against her and demanding a kiss before he’ll make the break. Carlito goes to a waist lock
and slaps her on the ass as the crowd cheers and she tries to escape. They tie up again and Carlito just picks her up and
scoop slams her. Torrie distracts Carlito with the puppy and Victoria low blows him. Torrie distracts the ref again for Victoria
to crack Carlito in the head with the wand for two. Carlito gets pissed and launches Victoria face first into the mat with
his Neckbreaker finisher (hey! he DOES have one!) for the win at 2:36. Winner: Victoria
Special Match
"Fact": Chloe is in fact a rat with long fur.
Carlito spits in her face, post match and Michelle and Torrie try
to help her up as he leaves. Kane is one his way as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: "I am Cow,
eating grass. Methane gas comes out my ass."--Arrogant Worms.
Back to the show. They replay the Flair/Edge altercation
from earlier. They then replay Mickie and Trish from earlier. Then they replay Hunter/Show from earlier. Each of these segment
of course leads into the promotional countdown of matches for NYR. Kane’s opponent is both Heart Throbs.
World
Tag Team Champion Kane vs. the Heartthrobs (Time to Beat 2:36)
They run in and Kane takes down one then the other
with clotheslines. Kane doubles stacks them in the corner with an Irish whip then drags them both out for a double chokeslam
and the three count at 28 seconds. Winner: Kane
Special Match "Fact": Kane’s and Undertaker’s
tombstones are seldom used now since the incident involving Austin and Owen Hart.
In the back, Vince is watching the
footage of the Montreal incident and smiling broadly. He says we’ll see if Bret is really the best there is, the best
there was and the best there ever will be before we find that his review will be next.
Random Commercial Thought:
The original Prince of Persia game was for the Nintendo Entertainment System.
Back to the show. They pimp the First
Blood match next week and Vince is on his way out. Vince says in a moment he’ll give his comments and wants to roll
the clip of Bret’s comments about the Montreal Incident from the DVD first. Vince says that since they both think they
are right and says he wants to ask who the crowd thinks is right. He asks about if they think he was right and then tricks
them by saying if he thinks Bret Hart was wrong and they actually don’t fall for it, but he says he did. He says he
tricked them just like he did Bret and as far he is concerned the means justify the ends. He says as long as he gets what
he wants, it’s the right thing to do. Shawn’s music interrupts and he arrives in a suit with a big grin.
Vince
introduces him as his partner in crime. Vince says they screwed Bret who went to WCW and into the toilet while they are now
cashing the big checks and tells Shawn to tell them. Shawn doesn’t say anything as the crowd chances "We Want Bret"
and Vince hands him the mic again. Shawn says the last thing he is going to do is defend Bret because nobody would do it and
it would be hypocritical. He says he would do it again if he had to and Vince applauds him. He says the reason he would do
it again is because his loyalty has always been to this company and it was the right thing to do for the WWE. That not withstanding,
it is one thing for Bret to continue to live through that day it is his choice, but for Vince to do it is ridiculous and he
should let it go. Vince looks confused and Shawn says now he’s a father and Vince is a 60 year old grandfather. He says
it’s time that they both grow up a little bit. He tells Vince to move on.
Vince says he wants to make sure he
understands with the move on stuff. He wants Shawn to let him remind him how the business moves on. He says all the men in
the company moved on except for McMahon which has remained constant. He asks if he should make Shawn move on like all those
other guys because he can do it with the snap of his fingers. He says Shawn has responsibilities now and he needs the job
and the money. He says that Shawn doesn’t really want him to move on because he’s like those other people because
there is no where else to go to now. WCW is gone. TNA doesn’t exist in his eyes (he doesn’t actually say that,
but it’s implied). He says Shawn is probably eating a little humble pie now and asks Shawn how that feels because he
doesn’t like throwing his weight around. He asks him again how that feels.
He says Shawn will do exactly as he
tells him to do because from now on it’s cero tolerance and his New Year’s Resolution is not to take crap from
him or anybody else because he doesn’t have to take it and he won’t. He says he did screw Bret Hart and he doesn’t
want to have to screw Shawn Michaels too. Vince says some stuff off mic and stares Shawn down before tossing the mic away
and starting to leave. He stops at the ropes and turns back to Michaels who takes his jacket off. Vince looks surprised and
exits the ring. Vince’s music plays him out and Shawn continues to stare stone-faced from the ring. They pimp the First
Blood match one last time as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Shelton/Cena was exceptionally
good and both men were playing well off cone another’s styles. Good complimentary team up and the crowd made it seem
far more important than it was.
Lowlight of the Night: Michaels/Snitsky was pretty much abysmal. At least Victoria
and Carlito was funny.
