RAW RANT ARCHIVE: October 2005

RAW RANT ARCHIVE (October 2005)

WWE RAW RANT: (10/03/05) By CAMERON BURGE

It’s time for the WWE HOMECOMING! TEH BESTEST EVENT IN THE EVAR OF WRESTLING HISTORYYYYYYY! [/JR Mode]

Okay, I’ll be frank with you guys. We were supposed to do something special tonight for you all, but then we remembered that we are all lazy as hell and decided not to. If you are looking for a review of the special before the show...TOO BAD. Because USA played 2 Fast 2Furious instead. They did leave five minutes for memories of Raw, though. It was good to see The Godfather(?!) make an appearance in the Attitude Era segment. What is HORRIFYING though is that they decided they should REPLAY THE DISCOVERY MARK HENRY MADE ABOUT CHYNA’S TRANSSEXUAL FRIEND. My eyes shall burn forever. Oddly enough, Chris Jericho was shown, despite the fact that he’s supposed to be you know, fired? Anyway, don’t feel too bad, if you really wanted to see it, it’s on afterwards. Let’s go.

Raw Homecoming 10.03.05

Show opens with sound and video clips through Raw’s History intermixed and goes into theme ("Raw is Home" is on the screen instead of "Raw"). Mick Foley starts us off. Huge pop and Mick arrives with what has become the new Socko for him I guess, a clipboard. "Foley" chants starts and he does his bit about Mrs. Foley’s baby boy coming home. King congratulates him for getting the cheap pop for mentioning Dallas. He introduces Piper for us and tells us he’ll be staring in the upcoming movie "Honor".

Piper, sans his drugged out gut from his Smackdown days. Piper says he’s a fan of Foley and says that he thought he was the craziest guy in the business but he has nothing on Mick. He says that Foley had people throw him off "Twenty Five Steel Cages." All Twenty Five? Piper asks Foley when he’ll be coming back after plugging the new book. Mick says he was doing good and still got his ass kicked so he needs a really good reason. Piper starts a big chant when Orton interrupts with the GREATEST THEME SONG EVER. Too bad Mick cuts it off.

Mick says it is never good to see Randy, and tells Orton to not be concerned with the Legend in front of him, but rather be concerned with the one that will destroy him at No Mercy. Randy says he can do and get away with whatever he wants, even if it is taking a shit in stray gym bags. Randy says he isn’t here to talk to Mick, it’s Piper. Roddy says he looks great and Randy tell shim to shut the hell up before he kicks his ass where he’s standing. Randy tells us that Piper owes everything to Cowboy Bob and got everything while Bob got nothing. He shoves Piper and Roddy decks him before mounting him in a struggle that comes off more like an incredibly wrong orgy. Foley and Bob separate the two men and once they calm down, Bob clocks Foley one with the cast and Piper eats an RKO. Randy follows with another RKO on Mick and the Ortons leave....for some reason Randy sniffs his armpit on the way up the ramp.

JR pimps the Iron Man match, and they plays clips from the previous two encounters between Michaels and Angle. But why do they still insist on calling it The Rubber Match? It sounds more like the
winner is going to pull out a condom and plow the nearest ring rat, while the loser goes unprotected. Let’s plow our way to some commercial while we’re at it.

Random Commercial Thought: I can’t fucking believe that Raw brought its sucky ass commercials with it in the move!

And we’re back. They replay the footage of what just happened and Bob Jr. gets upgraded to Senior by JR for us. He’s looking good for that age. Backstage, Eric accuses Teddy for ruin the Raw Debut with Smackdown stars. Teddy denies responsibility for Orton, but Eric tells us if it happens again, Smackdown will pay for it....playah. Oooo, Now I know bruthah didn’t go an’ say dat now. HE be drinking straight form the Hatorade.

Angle gets his long-ass introduction from Lillian in preparation for the Iron Man Match. Keep in mind the winner will face Cena. Gee, I wonder who it will be.....*cough*Angle*cough*

JR tells us that Michaels has won every single major title in the WWE.....and so has Kurt, you moron.

Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels (30-Minute Iron Man #1 Contender’s Match)

Angle tackles in the middle of the theme music, but Michaels rolls through for mounted punches and send Kurt to the corner for some chops. Michaels picks up an early two count and keeps Angle down with knife edge chops. Angle tries an Irish whip, but Michaels counters the attack with a swinging neckbreaker for two. Shawn tosses Angle over the ropes (Ric Flair: "Hey! He should be disqualified!" Hunter: "Psst, it’s not the sixties anymore Ric....")

Shawn follows Kurt out and puts a beating on him before tossing him in for the elbow drop which picks up two. Shawn goes back to the chops in the corner, when Kurt suddenly goes berserk and wails on Michaels with rights and European Uppercuts. Shawn locks on a sleeper hold, but Kurt counters out with a back suplex. JR tells us that seventy percent of the fans voted that Michaels would win. Poor deluded fools. Kurt hits a million dollar knee lift before mounting Michaels and going in with rights. Coach talks about Kurt’s sound game plan in not covering....right as Angle goes for two consecutive covers.

Angle tries a side headlock as JR tells us the difference between a headlock and a chin lock. Twenty-five minutes to go folks. You might want to get a coffee. Shawn peels off a jawbreaker and AGAIN goes back to the chops. Angle reverses an Irish Whip, but Michaels hits a face buster. Shawn sends Angle flying over the ropes incredibly awkwardly and rolls on the ground holding his shoulder. When Michaels goes for the baseball slide, Angle dodges and catches him with an Angle slam on the ground. Kurt rolls inside as the ref performs a ten count on Michaels on the outside.

For some reason, Kurt doesn’t take the ten count easy victory and puts Michaels back in for a beating in the corner with his boot. Kurt drags Michaels up, and the two brawl with Kurt gaining the advantage with a knee to the gut and hitting the Powerbomb right into the turnbuckle. Ouch. It only gets two though.

Angle goes for the top rope belly to belly, but Michaels knocks him off and goes for the elbow drop again, when Angle comes from behind and catches him with a top rope Angle Slam for the first pin. Commercial Time, dorks.

Random Commercial Thought: Oh boy, now i can watch The Hulk on USA Network! I can watch a crappy movie about a cool comic book character on my television without surround sound, special DVD features and loaded with annoying commercial breaks. I can’t wait.

Back to the match, as if it could have ended during the break? Shawn rolling around on the ground in his classic "Oy! Me Back!" pose. They replay the Angle Slam as Kurt locks on a camel clutch, but fights up and back Angle into a corner to land a reverse elbow. Shawn misses a shoulder tackle after an Irish whip to the corner and crushes himself on the ring post. Kurt takes advantage and plants him for two. Angle hits a vertical suplex for another two.

Kurt puts Michaels in the corner (NOBODY puts Michaels in the corner!) and Shawn fights back with chops, but Kurt does the SUPER Irish Whip to the corner to shut him down. Angle comes in and Michaels counters into a sunset flip, but Angle counter that into an Ankle lock. Shawn finally rolls through and rolls Angle up for a quick three of his own. Angle recovers quickly and takes Michaels to the outside with uppercuts. Michaels eats some stairs for supper (they have iron for growing Heartbreak Kids). Angle rolls him in and gets another two and scissors Michaels body for a submission. JR actually shows some intelligence by telling a Joe Stecker in the 1930s used to win matches that way.

Michaels falls down in the hold for a couple of two count and finally rolls the move over and bites Kurt’s face to escape. Shawn tries a right and Angle counters with a kick. Kurt tries a suplex, but Shawn flips out of it. Shawn goes for the rollup, but Angle gets the Ankle Lock again. Michaels tries the roll through again, but Angle holds on and scissors the leg for a tap out win at eleven minutes as we go to commercial.

Random commercial Thought: If the Gameboy gets any smaller, it’s not just going to break when i accidentally sit on it, it’s going to become a suppository.

Back for the last stretch of our match. Kurt got a leg lock on Michaels when Shawn GIRLY SLAPS his way out of it ("Stoooop it!" *cries*. No, I’m not joking. JR points out that Angle is trying to run the clock down with these holds as he goes for another leg lock. Angle sends Michaels back to the corner with uppercuts and sticks Shawn's leg over the rope, but Michaels fights out with rights and chops. Michaels hits the flying forearm and nips up but for once sells his leg and falls back down. Angle recovers and Michaels uses the Ultimate Warrior offense followed by a bodyslam. Shawn picks up the flying elbow and tunes up the band for some Sweet Chin Music and a three count.

Angle escapes to the outside and Shawn follows. The fight spills back into the ring as Michaels continues to chase Angle into the ring and Michaels uses another super Irish Whip to flips Michaels all the way over and back to his feet. Kurt hits an Angle Slam, but surprisingly gets only two. They brawl for a bit and Shawn misses a clothesline, setting up another Angle slam, but Shawn counters into a DVD to start a standing ten count.

Michaels edges into a cover but still gets two, he tries again and gets another two. Two minutes to go. Shawn uses some chops in the corner, but Angle counters with an Irish whip. Angle comes running in and catches a boot in the face. Shawn goes for a moonsault and in a great visual, Angle catches the leg into the Ankle lock. With a minute left, Michaels crawls for the ropes and misses a rollout attempt. Angle scissors the leg in the middle of the ring and at forty seconds, it looks like he’ll tap but he doesn’t. Michaels rolls on his side toward the ropes and starts flailing and kicks at Angle’s head, when he finally connects and gets loose.

Angle suddenly locks on the Ankle lock again, but Michaels escapes and hits Sweet Chin Music, but the bell rings at the one count.
Winner: Draw

Special Match "Fact": The call for a Sudden Death was reminiscent of the famous One Hour Iron-Man Match with Bret Hart.

Shawn asks for the mic and tells Dallas that it’s time for Sudden Death (somewhere, Bret Hart is crying himself to sleep). Angle however just takes a walk down the ramp and leaves as Michaels’ music plays. JR keeps rambling about rubbers. Michaels hugs Hacksaw Jim Duggan and some other legends at ringside...including Nikolai Volkoff? Okaaayy.....Anyway, JR and Company pimp The Game, Hardy/Edge and Hogan. Triple H is tagging with Flair against Carlito and Masters. WWE will be facing Eric and so we have to sit through some clips of a bunch of rap artists talking about Cena, but the good Cena song, Know The Rep plays so that is kinda cool. Commercial time.

Random Commercial Thought: Characters Welcome? Does that mean Orlando Jordan can’t come?

And we are back from the abyss of Commercials to the show. Lillian introduces Harry Simon’s FAVORITE person, Kevin Von Erich. JR tells God to bless The Von Erichs (Because JR is in good with the big man like everyone else in the business). In the back, Eric walks up to Vince who is getting dressed in his suit. Vince complements him on his karate uniform and Eric says that he has a great idea, the match should be no DQ. Vince says no and Eric switches from Mr. McMahon to Vince and tells your friend and mine where to shove it. He says that Vince only hired him to humiliate him and drive him nuts so he could put out a Self-Destruction of Bischoff DVD some day. Vince says that nobody knows how sick and twisted.....and perverted he can be.

Lillian is in the ring reading a card to introduce Vince, but she gets a little weirder out when she has to read that he is smart, handsome and well-endowed. I bet on the bottom of the card it had a place for her to write her phone number down. JR says only one man in the world walks like that and King says it is because he’s so well-endowed. Vince says it will be uncensored for sure now and reminisces about when he beat Stone Cold. The crowd turns on him and chants for Austin. Vince plays the footage for us of him pinning Austin, saying it was one of his favorite moments. His next moment is when he had Austin arrested and, speak of the devil, here he comes (wow! I’m so shocked and surprised. [/sarcasm]).

Amazingly, Austin has dropped most of his beer gut. Vince tells the crowd to give Stone Cold a hand (but...I need mine). He says he was just having some fun, but Austin isn’t impressed with Vince having fun at Stone Cold’s expense. He doesn’t believe him when he says he had other moments to show. The "What" chants are back and I think I can hear Harry throwing a brick through his TV from here. Austin fake laughs and says it wasn’t so funny and says he remembers things a little different, so he’d like top run his own headlights.

We get to see Austin attacking Vince in the hospital and hitting him with a bedpan. Steve says that we really showed the world how sick and twisted he was then. Vince tries to act embarrassed but sounds stupid. The next clip is one of the few I ever watched back then, when Austin pulled a fake gun on Vince and made him piss his pants like that driver in No Hold Barred. Vince says that Steve shouldn’t show any more footage, but he has one more, the beer truck...I preferred Angle’s milk truck, that was funnier. Though Shane Mc McMahon, trying to sell the beer like it was deep enough to swim in is funny as hell.

Vince says it is a new era and there is no reason why they shouldn’t start over. Stone Cold asks if he is supposed to believe that and Vince says he hopes so. The crowd decides Vince is full of crap and Vince says he has some thing sot do in the back so he’ll be going. Steve makes sure Vince doesn't leave and says he has something to show him, a stunner. Duh....but wait! Here comes the MOneeeeeeeyyyyyy! It’s Shane O’ Mac, bitch! With one of my favorite theme songs Shane dances to the ring and gets in....and then he eats a Stunner. HA!

But then Stephanie appears! NO WE ALMOST HAD TWO YEARS. Steph is walking like Vince now (it’s because she’s just as well- endowed down there as Vince). Steph’s voice causes seven people to have brain hemorrhages as she asks who he thinks he is by doing that. Steve says he just wanted to conduct an interview and ask her come question like: What fragrance are you wearing. He says she’s flirting with him (No! Run away Steph, he’s just trouble). He asks if she’d like to give him a kiss, but gets a slap instead. Steve accuses her of playing hard to get and wishes she hadn’t done that, but then again he’s kinda glad she did because now she gets a Stunner too. Huzzah!....so where’s Kane to give Linda a Tombstone?...man, I spoke too soon.

Linda comes out to her SHITTY 80’s techno. The excitement overfloweth from her [/sarcasm]. She asks what Steve thinks he’s doing, because she’s spent two years bringing the family back together. She asks why he stunned Vince. Steve says he’s a piece of trash and agree, when asked about Shane, he says he’s a chip off the old block. She asks about Stephanie and the crowd chants for slut, but Stone Cold calls her a precious piece of trash. He said he’s gonna drink beer and raise hell and asks what more she wants him to do. She demands an apology for the McMahon family.

He says he was just doing his job when they interfered so he gave them some stunners. I’d like to pause and tell you that after an hour and fifteen minutes, we’ve had one match. Steve apologizes, but when she goes to reach for Stephanie, he holds her up and says that while she’s out here, they ought to leave the sixteen thousand people there and the millions around the world with a raw moment to remember.....a kiss on the cheek? When the people demand a stunner he replies with: "What?" Jeez.

He decides to give everyone something else to remember and makes his moves. I need to puke now, thanks. HE says we should cut tot he chase and drink a damn beer. Steve hands Linda a beer and lists off the beers he likes The toast and chug. Steve shows off Linda while his music plays and thanks her with a Stunner. That was a long way to go for the obvious....do we have someone to pick up the corpses here with, because I’ve never seen anyone stay down this long from a wrestling move since Chris Candido wrestled Sonny Siaki. Enough of my tasteless humor, commercial time.

Random Commercial Thought: If Estabon can save money with Geico, you can too.

Back to the show. The refs are helping Vince through the back when Tard asks Vince what his thoughts are. Vince says somebody will be fired over this and gets in his limo. We go back to ringside where the ladder is set in the ring. Edge enters first and we are off.

Edge w/ Lita vs. Matt Hardy (Money in the Bank, Loser Leaves Raw Ladder Match)

Edge cheap shots Matt as he come sin and runs back to the ring and up the ladder. Matt dumps him and climbs it himself, but Edge tips the ladder over. Matt counters and attacks and takes Edge down before scissoring Edge with the ladder and standing between the sides to squish Edge’s midsection with it. Very cool. Edge uses a drop toe hold to make Matt slam his own face into the ladder and Edge sets the ladder up in the corner to suplex Matt onto it. Edge climbs the ladder, but Hardy tries to pull him off. Edge comes off the ladder with a sledge, but Hardy makes a quick run up the ladder only to get pulled off and slammed to the mat by Edge.

Matt goes for a twist of Fate when Edge tries to whip him into the ladder setting on the turnbuckle, but Edge shoves him out of it and into the ladder anyway. Edge fetches another ladder form ringside and sets it up. Edge climbs like Ric Flair does the turnbuckles, giving Hardy enough time to knock him off and take the ladder to his midsection like a battering ram. Matt sets up the ladder on the bottom rope and goes to suplex Edge, but Edge blocks and tosses Hardy to land gut-first on the ladder. Edge climbs for the prize once more and gets to swipe his hand at it when Matt climbs the other side and Hardy throws Edge off to land jaw first into the other ladder on the ground. Edge flails wildly and slams into Matt’s ladder causing it to topple from under him and both men crash to the mat as the crowd chants "Holy Shit" and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Domino is no where NEAR what real bounty hunters are like. The vast majority of people caught by Bounty Hunters are simple Bail Jumpers.

Back to the match. Edge is trying to suplex Matt through a table on the outside, but Hardy block and whips him into the security wall. Matt grabs a ladder and crushes Edge with it sending him over the security wall. Matt goes up the ladder and comes off onto Edge in the crowd. Matt climbs back to the ring when Lita grabs him by the pants (she’s good at that). Matt snap mares Lita to the ground and goes to powerbomb her through the table when Edge nails him with a Shinai that just happened to be here. Edge comes off the edge of the ring onto Matt on the table with a splash and leaves Hardy in the rubble.

Edge climbs into the ring and goes to the side by side ladders in the ring. Edge climbs a ladder as the crowd chants for Hardy. Matt climbs in and goes up the other ladder. Both men start punching at each other and Hardy lands an awesome Twist of Fate from the top of the ladders. Matt climbs the ladder again and Lita attacks him with the Shinai....but misses. She gets it right on the second try and Matt grabs the Shinai from her after he falls off to slam her into the corner. Matt grabs the case and Lita takes the ladder, but he hangs on until Edge grabs him by the feet to swing him over the rope and pull him off. Hardy gets crotches as Lita scissors his arms to the ropes and Edge climbs the ladder. Edge gets the case easily and Matt gets fucked.
Winner: Edge

Special Match "Fact": Matt and Edge are both known for ladder matches, but only for ladder matches involving tag team partners they no longer have.

Oh well, at least Lita has big tits. Security hauls Hardy off and he backs calmly down the ramp. JR seems completely unphased by the atrocity because BY GAWD THE HULKSTER WILL BE HERE TONIGHT! They pimp the rest of the card for us as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Scarface is a good movie. If you’ve never seen it...well you should. Now.

Back to the show. Hardy is still being escorted away when we suddenly go to the back with Trish and Ashley getting prepared. I need to see a malfunction, or I’ll go insane. They tease some hot one on one between Ashley and Trish, when Mae Young arrives to show us her bra and panties, She runs up to Dibiase, Snuka and Hacksaw. Dibiase keeps offering money for her to put her shirt back on and when she mobs the men, as Hacksaw moans to himself, Moolah rescues them. Snuka then grabs the money from Dibiase and promises to pay him back before chasing after the ladies himself.....there were no survivors.

We go to Maria interviewing Ric, who’s promo makes very little sense, though he does manage to put Triple H over as the greatest in teh evar AGAIN. If Hunter doesn’t turn on Ric tonight, I’ll be very surprised. Commercial Time.

Random Commercial Thought: Okay, what the FUCK is AM Raw on Saturday Mornings? What happened to Spiderman and Mighty Max Cartoons?

Back to the show. Hey we’ve made it two hours! We get video footage of Masters and Carlito attacking Flair last week. We go back to ringside for Carlito’s new apple shirt....oh and his hair.....oh yeah, and Carlito. Masters takes up the last hour of the show with his entrance and the show goes off the air. Guess we’ll never know how it ended. What a loss.

Intercontinental Champion Carlito Caribbean Cool & Chris Masters vs. Ric Flair & Triple H

Flair struts his way out in his ridiculous robe as Coach tells us to get ready for the ovation. Trips waits for Flair to take off his coat first before waltzing out more roided out than ever. The crowd actually does pop for him, but deafening as JR calls it, I do not agree with. JR says the rafters are rattling and the table is shaking....but the cheering had long since stopped. Okaaaayy...Why does he have dreads now? JR continues to put HHH over and Carlito gets us started finally.

Carlito attacks form behind, but Flair dumps him with some help from Hunter. The crowd gets more behind Triple H with a chant as Masters and Carlito regroup on the outside. Carlito tries another sneak attack, but Triple H catches him with a right and tags in Ric for a double team chopping session on Carlito. Carlito flails around the ring like he’s just been shot as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Monk may have returned all the items in the store past their expiration dates, but at Wal-Mart we had a return cart containing condoms, lotion, frilly underwear and handcuffs. Greatest. Returns. Ever.

Back to the match. Carlito is stomping on Ric’s back in the ring and fetches his apple. He takes a big bite and spits it right in Flair’s face. Carlito decides to knock it up a notch and
puts a figure four on flair for a change. Flair tries to flip the hold as JR says that Flair knows the counter because it is his move, but apparently EVERYONE ELSE HE HAS EVER WRESTLED knows it as well. Triple H finally tires of this and attacks Carlito before returning to his corner.

Carlito puts Flair in the corner and hooks his leg on the rope for some kicks to the knee. Carlito bitchslaps Flair in the face a couple of times and the Nature Boy rallies with big chops, but Carlito cuts off his momentum with a spinebuster of DEATH. Flair tosses Carlito off the top as the announcers say it was one of Flair’s move (The Flair Flip?). Ric goes for the tag but Flair Flops and Hunter barely gets the tag only for the ref to miss it. Masters sets up for the Masterlock on Flair as the ref continues to argue with Hunter so Flair hits a low blow on Masters and makes the tag.

Hunter dissects both men with Race Knee and double Spinebusters. Carlito rolls form the ring and Hunter grins as he goes under the ring and fetches your friend and mine, Sledgie the Sledgehammer. Hunter gets a pop form the crowd as he stalks Masters with the hammer, but Carlito comes form behind. HHH and Carlito brawl with Carlito getting caught in a pedigree position, but Masters comes from behind with the sledgehammer only to get tackled by Flair. Hunter lands the pedigree on Masters for the three count and that’s all she wrote.
Winners: Flair & HHH

Special Match "Fact": The first person Triple H feuded with after his last return was Chris Jericho as the Undisputed Champion.

As Hunter and Flair celebrate....Triple H suddenly whacks Flair in the face with the Sledgehammer. Who called that? Yeah, I told you so. The Triple H we all know returns as he screams "What’s the matter with you?" a bunch of times and wails on Ric then flaps him. He stomps on Ric some more and then elbow drops the hammer into the bloodied Flair. He dumps Flair to the floor slams him into the stairs as we get the always incredibly too long Triple H beatdown sequence. Flair’s laying against the security wall and Hunter starts choking him with the hammer as we go to commercial. Somebody hit reset on The Game, I believe I’ve already played this level.

Random Commercial Thought: Oddly Enough, one of the most famous X-men, Psylocke has only appeared in two video games that I know of.

Back to the show. They show footage of Triple H beating on Ric more backstage during the break and knocking someone away that tried to stop him. We then find out he’s STILL beating on him and claiming no one has the balls to stop him. Ina funny spot, Ric tries to get help form the cameraman. HHH keeps asking if he though the was going to let it go. Let it go? I have no idea. After sufficiently destroying Flair, he tosses him in a limo and leaves to fetch his hammer so he bashes the windows out and tells the driver to get the piece of crap out of his building. We go to ANOTHER commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: What kind of kid can just "use technology" to make help people? A Genius Scientist? Jimmy Neutron? Dexter Boy Genius?.....uh...that kid from the Rocky and Bulwinkle Show shorts?

Back to the show, RAW. IS. HUNTER. The Legends are in the ring with Dusty Rhodes’ theme playing. Oh god. They gave Dusty a microphone! Run away! Dusty rattles some bullshit I can barely understand. As Dusty puts everyone over, Conway interrupts with his theme. Conway asks if he is at the Homecoming, or a nursing home. He asks what the smell is, and asks if anyone forgot to change their depends (damnit, Snuka!). He says this is a Homecoming, not a funeral and they all look half-dead. He tells them all to go home and Dusty cuts him off and says he shouldn’t "crack whip" with the American Dream or any of these Legends. Crack Whip? That sounds like a new drug.

Conway talks shit on Harley Race being face and everyone start taking turns beating him down with Race peeling off his dancing punches, you know, the one Bubba Ray Dudley later used. We have to see the crappy Von Erich Claw, but it’s followed by the SUPAHFLYYYYYYYY Splash with Hacksaw raising the 2x4 and calling for Lita. Snuka's theme plays as the Legends toss Conway to the floor and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Fortunately I’m not Jerry Jones, and I’m not like him and I’ve had all the football I ever want to have.

Back to the show.

Women’s Champion Trish Stratus & Ashley w/o Last Name vs. Too Hot w/ Dog (Handicap Bra & Panties Match)

Okay, this is a bra and panties match. JR tells me that USA gave them extra time tonight so they can drag on LONGER. This is starting to leave PPVs behind in length here. Too Hot comes out first with the dog again. Basically, let me straight with you guys, and I don’t mean bendy straight, I mean straight straight. I’m not recapping this match. I don’t need to. Besides....I need my hands.

What? I have a sandwich. get your minds out of the gutters and down in the sewers with the rest of us. I must point out some funny lines.
JR: "Thank you for coming."
King: "Oh yes."

King: "Everyone’s down to their bra except Trish."
JR: "And the Ref."

Also JR miscalled the Stratusphere as Stratusfaction. Anyway,
Winners: Trish & Ashley

Special Match "Fact": Who am I kidding? There was nothing special about this.

In the back, Eric is practicing some surprisingly good Judo strikes. Kurt come sin and tells him that Ken Kennedy is here, and he’s worried about what Smackdown is going to do. Eric tells him that the Smackdown problem has been taken care of because Vince left so now he is in charge and the World Title match is now No DQ. He tells Angle that he just wants to be champ for a night then he’ll name a new champion as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Meatnormous...sounds sexy.

Back to the show. Taz and Cole are here now and Cole makes a point to put over the fact that this is the first time Rey Mysterio has ever wrestled on Raw. Benoit comes out with his new belt, AKA The thing that gives Vince an excuse not to put him in a World Title Picture. Of course, we round out the trio with Batista. I had no idea Batista and Rey had new music. Taz has a little fun with the fact that JBL is from Texas but nobody is even cheering....ro booing for him. He get sa little pop with his USA Flag shirt though. Start the Opera, It’s Christian! I love that song. Too bad they cut it off with Eddie’s newer theme. I really should watch Smackdown sometime.

Teddy Long joins the announce team and Eddie sort of just stands around outside the ring like he’s not going to get in, but finally gets around to it.

Batista goes to start off with JBL and Eric cuts them off. HE says that McMahon is no longer here and since this is Raw, he says the audience doesn’t have to suffer through the lackluster second rate performance. Well, that’s true. He says as far as they are concerned its lights out. He turns the lights out on them and sends us to commercial as Cole and Taz get pissed.

Random Commercial Thought: I'm sorry, but that was way too funny, for me to stop laughing.

And when we get back, it wasn’t a swerve apparently as Smackdown is gone and Mean Gene is in the ring to introduce Hogan for us. He isn’t dead yet? Gene talks about Hogan Knows Best and asks Hogan what’s next. I don’t think I want to know. After all these years, Hogan still cuts promos like it’s the 1980’s. He claims to have now pressed Andre over his head. Anyway, he decides that his next opponent will be the man he saw as he came out, the crowd chants for Austin. Hogan follows up and challenges Austin. He then spends five hours showing off. Commercials are ahead.

Random Commercial Thought: ULTIMATE SPIIIIIDERMAAAAN! Remember when he beat Hogan at Wrestlemania? Oh wait, that was the Ultimate something else...what was his name again?

Back to the show for what is hopefully the last bit. My fingers hurt. Bischoff is back in black and bringing Kurt with him. Cena STILL gets the biggest op of the night even with guys like the Hulkster here. That takes some crazy fan devotion. Kurt grabs a chair and sets it up beside the ring to sit in. And by the way, King, you meant to say Jujutsu.

Eric Bischoff w/ Kurt Angle vs. WWE Champion John Cena (No Disqualifications WWE Title Match)

Cena makes Eric flinch and set sup in his own little martial arts stance then just walks up to Eric. Eric goes for a kick and Cena just catches it and laughs at him, He block a right and levels Eric, then taunts Angle. Cena gets distracted by Angle and slams him into the turnbuckle while Angle’s on the apron, allowing Bischoff to land a sidekick to the back. Bischoff follows with some more kicks, but Cena powers through and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Angle runs in and Cena catches him in an FU, but Eric hits another low blow on him. Angle grabs a chair, but Cena pushes him into the ropes and causes him to hit himself in the face with it.. Cena steps on the chair when Bischoff tries to get it and hits the FU for the three count.
Winner: Cena

Special Match "Fact": Eric Bischoff’s last match in full karate uniform was against JR....he broke a cinderblock on his head.

Angle and Cena brawl after the match and Teddy interrupts saying that since Eric punked them, they are going to do it gangsta style. All six men from earlier including Mr. Kennedy attacks Cena, Angle and Bischoff and Batista goes for the Batista Bomb on Bischoff when the Raw Superstars attack. Everyone from Big Show to Shelton invade as the show finally goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Definitely the excellent Iron Man match and the draw ending was the just the way I wanted it, but never hoped to dream for.

Lowlight of the Night: Bischoff/Cena What the hell was the point of that?

Pimped For Her Pleasure

TNA has returned to TV and Sean Carless has returned with a rant for it. Read it and discover new faces and old (and we do mean old) favorites (and we don’t mean favorites) in Sean’s TNA Impact Rant.

This week in the One Man Conchairto, Richard draws his line in the sand to separate Wrestling and Entertainment.

TWF Shopzone is back with new and old products for your shopping pleasure. Buy some Sonny Siaki shirts. Everyone is wearing them.

In the Guest Columns we have a new edition by the Unknown Wrestling Fan. It’s a review of The Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior. Funny stuff, check it out.

Shapiro is back this week with even more Retro Heat goodness. It’s classic throw away wrestling in one easy to read package.

Here at TWF, we just can’t get enough of that Warrior, and James Walker is no exception. In the latest White Vans & Candy, James takes a little look into Warrior’s e-mail account.

And now I rest my aching fingers. DAMN YOU VINCE MCMAHON!

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

WWE RAW RANT: (10/10/05) By CAMERON BURGE

Welcome back. I feel like crap....not that I know what crap feels like, I just feel how I imagine crap would feel.....not that I sit around imagining that all the time, mind you....don’t judge me!

Anyway, Vince is supposed to fire someone tonight after Austin giving him a Stunner last week. My money’s on Jim Ross. Also, Victoria will face Trish again for the title.

Raw 10.10.05

Show opens with that same new clip for the new WWE Catchphrase of "The Power is Back" and we go to a recap of the events last week that caused Vince to want to fire someone.

Well, just to PISS ME OFF ROYALLY, Stephanie McMahon opens the show for us after breaking a nearly two year record of no Stephanie on TV. Why does she still have the most retarded theme ever? At least she has tig ol’ bitties. Stephanie cuts her shittiest promo and talk about how the WWE.com poll said she was everyone’s favorite person to get stunned. She blames the internet and everyone else for being jealous of her. She gives us her lineage and says she can do what she wants, when she wants and no one can stop her. Some dude in a headset gives her a hand sign to speed up and she gets pissed that he’s trying to get her to wrap it up so she slaps him. She walks up to Lillian (who looks FREAKING HOT tonight) ad bitchslaps her for no reason.

She says that Vince is on his way right now and someone will get fired before leaving us to regain a little of our hearing....until she goes to the fucking announce booth, She has the announces help her onto the table and JR gets himself a nice skirt view. She says that since everyone thinks she’s a bitch, they are the right. The Bitch is back. God help us.

Random Commercial Thought: Even on USA, that guy still wakes up in bed with a horse. Doesn’t ANYONE else find that a little wrong?

Back to the show. Uh, Doink the Clown is here....for a match....with Conway. They replay Conway getting beat down by the Legends last week as JR decides to tell us that there were multiple Harley Races in the ring apparently.

Doink the Clown vs. Rob Conway

Doink gets the crowd to boo Conway by pointing at him and cheer by pointing at himself doing it faster and faster. Doink performs the gayest looking inside cradle and picks up two before nearly pantsing Conway in a sunset flip for another two. He does the cheers and boos again. Doink catches a kick to the midsection and spins Conway around for a poke to the eyes and a kick in the ass. Conway gets pissed and tackles Doink to the ground before choking him out. Conway stomps on Doink in the corner for a while and choke shim again before planting him with a neckbreaker in the middle of the ring. JR slips up and calls him Robert, then APOLOGIZES for it. Doink tries a reverse elbow and instead gets planted by an Ego Trip out of nowhere, and that’s all she wrote.
Winner: Conway

Special Match "Fact": The last appearance of Doink the Clown was in a barroom invitational held by the APA.

After the match, Conway rips off Orton and challenges the legends to take on The Future WWE Hall of Famer then beats Doink down some more. Eugene makes the save though and rescues Doink, but Conway comes back in from the outside and attacks Eugene from behind before planting him with an Ego Trip.

Coach points out that the rumors in the IWC have been that JR will go down tonight by being fired by Vince. JR creeps around the statement and segues us into a video package of Triple H from last week. Commercial time.

Random Commercial Thought: Jet Li is Unleashed...but is he paper trained?

Back to the show and Carlito’s Cabana. Carlito seems to have trimmed his hair back a little....oh who am I kidding? It’s fucking ridiculous. He spends a little bit of time sucking up to the McMahon’s by saying he would spit in Austin’s face right now if he could. He says that tonight’s cabana is about who will be the number one contender for the WWE title because last week we got a tie in the Iron Man Match. "What?" chants keep going until Carlito gets interrupted by Angle’s music. King asks if Olympic Gold Medallists can be fired. Angle says everyone saw him kick the living hell out of Michaels and HBK makes his entrance.

Shawn says that since he gave Angle an opportunity for sudden death, it says that either Kurt doesn’t want to be WWE champion, or he’s had enough of Shawn Michaels. Angle says that he’s the WWE’s meal ticket because the last time he was champion on Raw, WCW went out of business. Then Angle gets interrupted by the Big Show. Show says that he’s been waiting for his turn patiently since he got here, then goes on to tell everyone what an epiphany is because he had one. Since he’s a giant, he doesn’t need to wait in line, he just cuts in front of people because he can. He wants anybody to tell him that he can’t take a WWE title show, so Edge comes out.

Edge tells them that he’s the only one with a guaranteed title shot, and he’s just become a career killer. He says they should all be concerned over who is going to be joining Hardy in the unemployment line. He says that the McMahons should halt all title shots until he cashes his own in and Carlito asks him if he is kidding. He points out that Edge was too much of a pussy to even help fight Smackdown. HE says that they may not like each other, but they can all agree on a few things. First: Nobody would mind if Vince fired Edge. Second: If anyone deserves a shot, it’s Carlito *record scratch* The hell? John Cena decides to make his appearance now.

Cena cuts a rap on everyone including calling Carlito a Chia Pet. The crowd demands he cut one on Lita so he just claims he got Gonorrhea from her by shaking hands. He then takes Lita’s place by telling Edge to blow him. Cena claims he’ll fight them all if he has to as we have our Taboo Tuesday set up for us. We see Trish getting ready in the back as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Am I the only one who can’t understand what the FUCK the rappers are saying in the Laser Tag Commercial?

Back to the show. JR and King tell su that during the break, on WWE.com you could see Maria interview Eric. Coach tells us that Cena, HBK & Big Show will face Angle, Carlito &

Masters goes for his big entrance when Tajiri attacks from behind and shoves him down the aisle.

Tajiri vs. Chris Masters

Tajiri rolls Masters in the ring to start the match and lands a sharp kick to the side fallowed by a spinning heel kick for two. A failed Sunset Flip gets Masters back in control and he follows with a double underhook suplex. Tajiri shuts Masters back down with more martial arts kicks, but Masters shove shim off, only to get himself caught in the Tarantula. Tajiri ducks a clothesline and lands a stiff standing side kick for two. HE goes for the Buzzsaw kick, but Masters duck and catches him in the MASTERfull Nelson for the win.
Winner: Masters

Special Match "Fact": JR claims Masters has a spotless record, even though HBK beat him just not too long ago.

Someone's sign said "vince says your fired" (The Gersh: ...nice grammar dumbass).

We go to the back where Triple H is walking along and Michaels confronts him to tell him that it was too much last week. Hunter starts laughing in his face and walks on only to run into Big Show. Big Show tells him that someday he’ll be getting his too. Hunter backs off slowly and right into John Cena. Cena says he doesn’t know him so he won’t judge him, but after last week he lost some respect. Hunter turns to leave then turns back and says that the last thing John should want to do is get his attention. John tells him to come get some and Hunter says that when he wants some he’ll take it. On his way out, Hunter beats up a random stage hand and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: To find out what the Rock is up to, check out the new Doom movie, for what ensures to be a very unique and probably motion sickness-inducing movie.

Back to the show. Triple H is here for his EXCRUCIATING long, generic promo. AM I the only one who would find it funny if a wrestler just broke some guys arm for trying to touch him while he walked by? Probably. JR calls him a thinking man’s killer...which I’m pretty sure is the definition of Cerebral Assassin you fat retard. HE asks if the people care about Flair and says that he worshipped the ground he walked on. He says that no one was a bigger Flair mark than himself. He says he was thrilled at first when Flair was coming back, but he was nothing but a shell of a man. He says that he gave Flair everything back and standing next to him it made Ric appear to be great again. He says that he knew what he had to do after he saw Carlito spit on the legacy of Ric Flair. An "Asshole" chant starts.

He says that two weeks later, Flair climbed up top and he was just as amazed as anyone else that Ric made the top rope move. He said that Ric cheered as well because he finally did something right. And if Hunter says "Ric Flair" one more time, I’m going to shoot myself in the head. He says that he had to take the horse behind the barn and pull the trigger. HE declares the limousine ridding and jet flying to be over. No more Nature Boy, because he'll be damned if he’s going to let anyone tarnish his memories of Ric Flair. HE says the crowd may be demanding Flair, but he needs to realize that it is suicide to return because without him, Ric Flair is nothing. Now Ric isn’t the dirtiest player in the game, he’s not even in the game. He says that for Flair, the game is over and waltzes on out.

Coach and King pimp the Women’s Title match and Main Event as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I have good news.....I stayed in a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Back to the show. We get a video package about Doom where The Rock compares two of the monsters to the Big Show and Lillian. We go to Lillian in the ring who looks insanely confused and she introduces Trish for us. JR tells us that Bischoff banned all the other women from ringside.

Victoria vs. WWE Women’s Champion Trish Stratus (Women’s Championship Title Match)

Victoria misses a clothesline when Trish uses the Ma-Trish to dodge and then catch her with the WORLD’S MOST TELEGRAPHED HEADSCISSORS. Trish misses a Chick Kick and hits a standing front kick instead. Victoria powers back with some clothesline and military presses Trish off of the top turnbuckle and torques Trish’s back with a modified Boston Crab (JR couldn't remember what it was called). Trish hits a spinebuster, but Victoria goes after her again. Trish block some rights and retaliates with her own forearms, but Victoria catches her with a reverse elbow in the corner. Victoria goes up top and Trish catches her with the Stratusphere, but Victoria counters it into a Boston crab.

Victoria drags Trish tot eh center of the ring, but Trish rolls her up for two. Victoria blocks another Chick Kick and lands a hard right, but Trish catches her with a northern lights suplex for three.
Winner: Trish

Special Match "Fact": The only signature move Trish has not attempted since her return is the Stratusfaction.

After the match, Victoria assaults the Women’s Champ and Ashley tries to make the save, but gets a beating of her own. Victoria goes to use the belt on Ashley when some girl comes from the crowd beats her down. She gives the title back to Trish and leaves up the aisle, the crowd seems to like her looks a lot. Commercial time.

Random Commercial Thought: Why the hell does the Gameboy Micro package the Swirly Pink skin with the Macho Camo skin?

Back to the show. Nikki James introduces herself as Raw’s newest Diva to Trish and says she’s Trish’s biggest fan. We go to ringside where Carlito is on his way. Next week’s Cabana is going to feature Mick Foley as the special guest. King tells us as Angle come in that he looked it up and Olympic gold Medallists are exempt from being fired. Edge comes out (of the closet?) next and we get split footage of a limo arriving and Vince steps out as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Can Tony Hawk even do anything besides promote Video Games anymore? You know, like skate?

Back to the show. JR pimps the WWE.com footage that you can watch to see what happens during commercials. HBK and Big Show make their way to the ring and the heels bail. Of course, Cena comes last.

WWE Heavyweight Champion John Cena, Shawn Michaels & The Big Show vs. Kurt Angle, Carlito Caribbean Cool & Edge w/ Lita (Six-Man Tag Match)

Cena starts off with Edge and gets forced quickly to the corner. Edge and Cena brawl with Cena gaining a considerable advantage and sending Edge to the corner, but Edge counters with a big boot. Edge stomps on Cena and tags in Carlito only for the man with the hair that knows no bounds to get a high back body drop. Cena tags in Big Show who proceeds to give Carlito some Shushed Chops. Edge tries to suplex, the Big Show and gets tossed to the other corner. Show whips Carlito into Edge and squashes both men with a huge charge in the corner. Show signals for the choke slam and Cena gets in the ring to tell him how great he’s doing as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Even on USA, WWE cannot escape form the UFC commercials.

Back to the match. Angle is working Cena over. He tags out for Edge and Edge lays in with some big rights. The ref has to admonish him, but Edge goes back to leveling Cena with a hard elbow to the back of the head and more stiff blows in the corner. Edge headbutts Cena and tags in Carlito who tries for a suplex leading into Cena’s now signature suplex reversal. HBK tags in and hits the flying forearm on Carlito. He nips up and takes the heel team off the apron. A scoop slam sets up for the elbow drop and Michaels lands it before tuning up the band.

Shawn goes for the Music, but Angle steps in and clotheslines him. Carlito makes a cover for two. Carlito tags in angle and puts Michaels in the corner for some rights and uppercuts. Angle hits a harsh looking German Suplex for two and presses the advantage for another two. Angle applies a body scissors and chokes Michaels temporarily while doing so. Michaels forces Angle off and mounts Angle for some punches, but when he goes for a clothesline off a rope rebound, Carlito pulls the ropes down, causing him to topple to the ground. Edge nails Michaels with a spear on the outside as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: LA never makes any convictions because all the good Judges and Lawyers are too busy being advisors for the Three CSIs and the five Law & Orders.

Back to the match. Angle has Michaels in a sleeper, but he’s fighting out. He turns Michaels inside out with a whip to the corner and lands a belly to belly suplex for two when Cena breaks it up. Angle tags in Carlito who lands some nice chops on Michaels but Michaels fights back out of the corner only to miss a corner charge and slam himself into the ring post. Carlito takes us back to the "Let’s kill time" move of the sleeper hold, but Michaels fights out...that is until Carlito plant shim with a dropkick for two.

Carlito AGAIN goes to the sleeper/chinlock but Michaels gets to his feet and starts dragging Carlito to his own corner. Carlito pull shim back and Shawn has to use a back body drop to cut him off. Big Show and Angle make the tags and Show destroys the Olympic Gold Medallist. He goes for a double chokeslam on Edge and Angle, but Carlito attacks only to get beat down. Show hits a double clothesline and tags in Cena. Angle MIRACULOUSLY leaps to his feet and goes for a clothesline that Cena ducks into the Protobomb. Cena hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle for two.

Big Show goes to the outside and Angle catches Cena in the ankle lock. Cena rolls through into an Ankle Lock of his own, but Angle rolls through into a rollup for three.
Winners: Angle, Edge & Carlito

Special Match "Fact": Before Kurt Angle, Ken Shamrock was the wrestler with The Ankle Lock as his finisher, and on WWE No Mercy for Nintendo 64, he was the only one of the two who could use it.

Our announce team tells us that last week’s Raw scared the highest rating in years. They replay footage of Stephanie getting slap happy. We see Vince on his way to the ring in the back as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Domino is going to suck massive amounts of dick. Actually it would probably be a better movie if that was what she did.

Back to the show. We get a psychotic return promo for Kane of him destroying people. He’ll be back next Monday. Coach pimps Foley as Carlito’s guest next week before we go to ringside with Vince. Yet another wonderful grammatical sign says "Your Fired. We also discover that during the break, Vince revealed he is not firing Bischoff.

Vinnie tells us what happened last week with Austin stunning every McMahon family member. He says that is the only thing in his life he will never forget or forgive. He reminds us that he promised to fire someone as revenge. When the audience says "What?" he tells them the question is "Who?" He asks who is to blame? He says that some say the blame is on Bischoff, but he’s not firing him. It may have happened on Eric’s watch, it wasn’t Eric’s fault. So he can pretty much single out who is to blame it would be a rotten red neck rattlesnake named Steve Austin. That’s who to blame. But he says he won't blame Austin for what he did nor will he fire him...yet. So who is to blame? He suggests it is whoever enjoyed it the most: the crowd.

He says that people like us cause people like Austin to do what they do. So this is what he wants. He wants everyone in the arena and everyone all over the world to consider themselves employees of WWE as of now and he’s hiring us all. WOO! I CAN PUT THIS ON MY APPLICATION! He then fires us all. NO! MY DREAMS! He says there were three other individuals who were close to the action. An "asshole" chants starts. He demands the three people come down right now, our announce team. He gives them a cussing about taking their headsets off because nobody cares what they have to say anyway. He also makes sure JR takes his damn black hat off.

He lines them up in specific order and recaps the events last night. He’s upset because they sat on their asses while Stephanie got stunned. He asks them how they feel about that. And on top of that, he says the one individual that he’s totally devoted to (can he say that with a straight face?). He claims to worship the ground Linda walks on. He demands an apology from them, and not that their jobs depend on this, but their jobs depend on the answer. He demands an apology from Coach and makes sure he doesn’t touch the microphone.

Coach declares himself a coward and says he’ll never be as brave as Vince is. He declares Vince to be an inspiration and thanks God that he’s alright. Vince accepts and moves on to King. King says he knows what it is like to be stunned and since apologizing to Austin means keeping his job, he’s truly sorry. Vince points out that JR is Stone Cold’s best friend and asks him to apologize, threatening his job. JR says he is sorry Linda got stunned. Vince says that isn’t good enough. Vince says he must not give a damn about these people or his job. JR says he loves the people like family. Vince finally accepts the apology, but wants JR to personally apologize to his kids. Stephanie comes down for hers.

Vince declares her the most beautiful woman in the world. Stephanie orders JR to apologize while "slut" chants rave. Stephanie threatens his job and JR says he said it once, "I’m sorry your momma got stunned." Stephanie bitchslaps him. Vince says the next apology is Shane’s and he he’s going to give JR and elbow drop, but instead Linda comes down. Vince says he wasn’t expecting her and she looks lovely. It’s no place for her and no reason for her to get her hands dirty. Linda tells them that she cannot let them continue this way. JR is still rubbing his cheek. She says that last week was a wonderful opportunity for the McMahons to start a clean slate. She says the only way to garner respect is not by screaming or pitching a fit, it’s by taking action.

Linda walks over to JR and puts an arm around him before saying that on behalf on the entire McMahon family, he’s fired. Wow. I think I almost heard some emotion in her voice. Linda kicks JR in the nuts as Steph and Vince applaud. Vince repeats the firing and his theme plays. Vince reintroduces his family which somehow includes God. Vince practices his own Kan Kan nut kicks as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Uh....well Doink was on the show, at least.

Lowlight of the Night: The overly predictable firing angle at the end. It went on too long, and had no surprise ending to make it worthwhile (a Linda heel turn is hardly exciting).

Pimps, the Other White Meat

Doctor Gonzo is hauling ass, with double duty. First, check out the battle between the Westminster Dog Show and the WWE in a brand new kind of Invasion Angle with the latest Acerbic Treats. Then trot on down for the good Doctor’s Alcohol-fueled Smackdown Report.

Other sports suck, and Joe Merrick is out to prove it in the latest edition of the TWF Low Blow.

Remy returns with the Demented Diatribe of Doom and probably the single funniest self-help CD you will ever see in your entire life. Check it out.

It's Retro-Rant time. Sean Carless preps you for No Mercy with the No Mercy 2004 Retro-Rant.

James is back once more with those White Vans and Candy. This time, it’s more Warrior goodness with The Warrior Report.

Now piss off. I need sleep so very, very bad.....zzzzz

WWE RAW RANT: (10/17/05) By CAMERON BURGE

Things I couldn’t POSSIBLY care less about care about:

Reality Shows
Corn Dogs
Weiner Dogs
Various Other Dogs
Midget Wrestlers
Linda Heel Turns

Tonight, I have a little something extra in the recap. Whenever anything happens on WWE Unlimited, I’ve got The Gersh with a little tidbit of info. If It’s important, you’ll hear about it.

Raw 10.17.05

Show opens with the whole debacle from last week and the low blow heard round...the corner? It was pretty weak. Theme brings us to Vince. Vince welcomes to Raw because apparently we all thought we were watching the Simpsons. He tells us that we’ll be seeing Taboo Tuesday before long and Vince claims to have challenged Bischoff to come up with a main event that is innovative and interesting while still leaving the power in the hands of the fans....as opposed to how we had no power last week when Linda fired JR. He says that Linda fired Jim with more grace than he’s ever fired anyone himself. He recaps the thing for us because they didn’t just run a video segment of what just happened at all. He tells us Linda will be here and rumor has it that so will Austin. He tells us to not be surprised if he kicks Stone Cold out, calling him several things such as: Redneck, Beer-swilling and Truck-driving. What’s wrong with Beer-swilling?

When the crowd chants asshole at him, Vince retaliates with the best comeback ever! "Stop telling me what you th8ink of your hometown." Original and pride-crushing! [/sarcasm] Vince runs a video of JR’s greatest moments. Actually, it’s just a bunch of clips of just about EVERY Raw from Oklahoma City, AKA Clips of Jim being annihilated by everyone on the roster. Vince introduces the new lead announcers for Raw, Jonathan Coachman who comes to the ring in a JR hat. Vince refers to him as Good Ol’ Coach as the crowd decides not to give a shit.

Coach says that as JR would have said, business is about to pick up. He claims to have looked at JR as a father figure...a fat Bellspalsy-ridden Father (okay, maybe he did mention the Palsy). In the back, Angle is telling Vince to introduce him as the new number one contender for pinning Cena last week. Vince says he’ll talk to Bischoff about getting him in the main event. Just as Angle is about to ask why, Hurricane leaps into the frame. Vince points out that Hurricane’s "Whoosh" was a little late but tell shim to go ahead. Our local hero calls JR the voice of Raw and practices his alliteration on Coach before Vince tells him "Wassup Wit Dat." Like a dog, Vince tells Angle to "sic him" and Angle tackles Hurricane and battles him all the way to the ring.

Angle stomps on Hurricane in the corner and continues to annihilate him until Hurricane fights back with some right. Coach mocks Ross’ several common lines about how Hurricane has the heart of a lion and laughs as Angle counters the assault and locks on the Ankle Lock. Coach tells us that Angle deserves to be the champ all the while still mocking JR and calling the Olympic Hero a Sum’ Bitch. After the ref peel Kurt off the Hurricane, Coach pimps the Cabana as we go to commercial(Hey, where the fuck is King at?).

Random Commercial Thought: Now, I like 50 Cent’s music, but even I don’t think he has ANY business being anywhere near a movie camera.

WWE Unlimited: We learn that Hurricane just turned on Rosey and ripped the little S.H.I.T.’s mask off.

Back to the Coach Network. All Coach, all the time. King finally arrives and Vince is in the back with Eric. Vince demands a great match for Taboo Tuesday. Eric tells us it will be a triple threat with Angle, John and a third man decided through some elimination matches he lists off the matches, and tells us there will also be an over the top battle royal.

Speaking of those matches, Big Show is here to face Edge. I didn’t know they made shirts in GIGANTO-HUNORMOUS (are those even words?).

Edge w/Lita vs. The Big Show (Taboo Tuesday Qualifier)

Edge tries to tie up and Show shoves him out as King tries to go face while Coach imitates JR and talks about Show’s size. Show beats on Edge when he comes back in and as King and Coach STILL argue, Edge gets dumped flat on his face to the floor by the larger man, and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I need a paper cannon....and I want to set it two inches from my neighbor’s door at shoulder height.

WWE Unlimited: Edge and Lita share a wet one....and by that I mean those little baby wipes to get rid of that annoying rash.

Back to the show. Big Show goes for a shushed chop, but ?Edge gouges him in the eyes. Show gets pissed and throws him back in the corner with a quick, crushing blow. Show finally peels off his shushed chop and Edge rolls to the floor. Show follows him out and gets himself thrown into the steel steps. Edge stomps on Show as he crawls in the ring and attempts an arm bar. STUPID. Show actually lets himself stay in the hold for a bit before slamming Edge to the mat and going for Lita. The distraction allows Edge to get in a cheap shot, but Show catches him and dumps in the corner. Show runs into a big boot and a lame looking Edge-u-cution DDT picks up two.

Edge goes back to the arm bar which really looks more like a grope fest. Show dumps him with a back suplex and goes for a chokeslam, but Edge counters out into the Edge-u-cution Show counters and THROWS Edge across the ring. Show attempts another chokeslam, but Edge escapes and hits the (Coach: "GORE GORE GORE") Spear but it only gets two. Edge goes for his briefcase when suddenly JBL’s music starts playing. Edge looks to the aisle way and Big Show catches him with a chokeslam for three.
Winner: The Big Show

Special Match "Fact": Big Show’s "Other" finisher can only be found these days on the Smackdown video game series.

After the match, the announcers continue to wonder why JBL didn’t appear and we get a video segment about the tickets selling at Chicago for Wrestlemania. Commercial time.

Random Commercial Thought: Not satisfied by ruining every old movie out there, Hollywood has turned to newer film series to try and make suck (see Ring 2, The). Saw II will hopefully be an exception.

Back to the show. Edge and Lita are bitching to Eric, but all Edge is saying is "Eric" over and over. Eric tells them to shut up and says he is just as pissed about Smackdown being around as anyone and tells Edge to take care of it since he started it by challenging JBL. Edge says he’ll be on Smackdown this Friday (and rumor has it, so will a certain Version One-ah).

We go to Coach and Carlito tells us that what isn’t cool is...a picture of JR? Even Coach says it isn’t right but Foley cuts it off with his crash entrance. Is his hunch getting worse? Foley says it is so cool to be in the ring with Carlito. Carlito says even a legend recognizes him, but Foley cuts him off to say that what he meant is, that it’s cool to be in the ring with someone who has worse hair than him for once. Foley complains about JR and not being able to believe what Linda did. She pops up on the Titantron to inform us. Linda says that most of the fans that e-mailed her since last week expressed concern for JR. She says that Jim is also claiming the kick to the groin injured his colon more before his surgery. She says that if anyone is planning a law suit, the McMahons will defend themselves....with the power of MONEY!

Linda tells Foley to Have a Nice Day, and (as the crowd chants "That’s not cool") Carlito tells him that he has to face it, now Jim is just a fat loser...like Mick. Foley admits to not being cool and talks about how uncool he is, but by giving us a little English lesson, he tells us that people still think he is cool and even though Carlito is the epitome of cool, people still call him a horse’s ass. He asks Carlito what he’s gonna do about it. Carlito bites his apple, and Mick tells him to go ahead and do it, because it wouldn’t be the first time he’s been spit on. Foley tells him to worry about HBK instead of how to chew produce and don’t forget...have a nice day. King and Coach pimp Carlito’s match for us and we go to a shot of the parking lot, waiting for Stone Cold. Commercials are on the way as well.

Random Commercial Thought: Final Destination 2....uh...that’s an oxymoron.

WWE Unlimited: Carlito cuts a Spanish promo for once, revealing that Super crazy isn’t the only one that can rant completely unintelligibly in another language. Carlito added after the Spanish, "You don't know what i just said except for the Mexicans over the border" then he fell down laughing.

Back to the show. Carlito and HBK are ready to rumble. HBK makes his way to the ring and gets jumped.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Shawn Michaels (Taboo Tuesday Qualifier)

Carlito works Michaels over on the outside, ramming his back into the edge of the ring. He rolls HBK in for a two count and puts him in the corner for some lefts. At least I don’t have to hear the word southpaw anymore. Carlito decks Shawn with a hard left and picks up another two. He follows up with a scoop slam for yet another two. Shawn staggers to his feet and gets pummeled in the corner some more. Carlito picks up another two and Michaels tries to go to the outside only to get pounded while on the apron.

Yet AGAIN Michaels is sent to the corner for a beating, but this time he fights out with some kicks and turns the table for a knife edge chop, but Carlito drives him into the other corner hard for two. Carlito tries a chinlock, but Michaels fights out. Michaels goes for a back body drop on Carlito, but the Caribbean sees it coming and kicks him in the face. Carlito picks up what must be the fiftieth two count. Michaels gets dumped to the outside and receives even more of a beating when he comes back. Carlito comes off the top with a cross body, and Michaels rolls through for a close two count. Michaels makes a miraculous recovery and hops Carlito to the ropes before locking on a sleeper hold.

Carlito fights out and we go to Coach and King arguing about JR and discussing Coach’s hat. Carlito fights out of the sleeper hold, but eats some chops in the corner. Carlito catches Shawn with a dropkick and picks up two. He wails on Michaels on the ground and tries another quick cover for two. Carlito switches it up a bit with an abdominal stretch. Michaels fights out and tries a suplex, but Carlito keeps countering. HBK finally pulls it off and suplex Carlito right into the top rope, sending both of them flipping over to the ground where Carlito spits a giant lugey into the air for some reason.

Random Commercial Thought: That Tag Body spray can’t possibly work as well as they say.....I’ll take a case.

Back to the show where Carlito is raping Michaels...oh wait, that’s a rear chinlock. The camera was so close you couldn’t tell. Carlito flattens Michaels for two and tries to press the advantage, but still comes up short. Carlito pummels Michaels in the corner angrily and lands a vertical suplex. The two get to the feet and have a chop battle with Carlito gaining the advantage by dumping Michaels in the corner for some lefts. Michaels ducks a corner knee charge and causes Carlito to rack himself on the middle turnbuckle. Shawn hits the flying forearm and for some reason, Coach calls it the Flying Burrito. Shawn nips up and tunes up the band, but Carlito ducks and catches him up on his shoulders. Carlito rolls Michaels up and grabs the ropes but only gets two.

Michaels slams his head with the ref’s in the corner causing him to fall to the outside. Carlito grabs a chair and barely misses Michaels and when he follows him inside, Carlito eats some Sweet Chin Music through the chair and the revived ref makes the three count.
Winner: HBK

Special Match "Fact": Afros are cool.

After the match, Michaels celebrates his way down the aisle, only to be interrupted by Flair. Flair heads to the ring slowly in old man mode as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I wish I had a zombie dog to hack at with a chainsaw too.

Back to the show. Flair is in the middle of a promo, saying that Hunter took it upon himself to decide it was time for him to retire. He basically recaps Hunter’s promo. He says that Hunter has officially lit a fire under his ass to now achieve a level he hasn’t been at in fifteen years. He says that for twenty years he carried the brass ring in his back pocket and no one could take it from him. Unfortunately, it left a nasty green stain. Okay, maybe he didn’t say that last part. He says that Triple H has the ring now, but he questions that call. He runs down Hunter’s stats and says that he’s twenty years older. Then he drops an elbow on his jacket.

Flair tells some old war stories, like how he survived a plane crash in ‘75 and a lightning strike in ‘85. He rips off his head patch and reopens his wound. He smears the blood on himself and says that he’s taken Hunter’s best hammer shots and he’s still here. He tells Hunter to come get his best now, and Triple H waltzes on out. Flair comes out covered in blood and grabs a bat form under the ring. Hunter runs like a pussy and Flair gives chase to the back. Flair screams and hits stuff while looking for him in the back. He pushes the cameraman away and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: For that lazer tag commercial, did they go out and get the geekiest looking dorks they could find or what?

Back to the show. The Stone Cold Camera still isn’t getting anything. We go to Maria in the back and Carlito jacks her microphone. He blames his loss on Mick Foley and challenges him to a match at Taboo Tuesday. Too Hot is in the ring and going to be tagging against the rest of the Divas on Raw.

Team Titties vs. Team Too Hot (Six-Diva Tag Match)

Victoria opens up by slapping Trish, and the women’s champ tackles her to the ground for some mounted punching. Victoria swings Trish by the legs around, but Trish counters into a headscissors. Nikki tags in and hits a cross body on Victoria off the top for two. She slams both Torrie and Candice into the ring apron, but gets caught by Victoria on her way back in. Victoria gets caught by a reverse elbow in the corner. Nikki takes Victoria down, but Victoria rolls her up for three.

After the match, Nikki is distraught so she lands a spin kick to the midsection on Victoria and hits a top rope Stratusfaction on her. She seeks Trish’s approval but Ashley and Trish just stare around vacantly for a bit. We go to the Stone Cold cam where we see the truck come flying by and crash through everything to go straight into the arena. Commercials.
Winners: Too Hot

Special Match "Fact": Trish hasn’t won a match with the Stratusfaction since her return.

Random Commercial Thought: There was a first Nashville Star?

Back to the show where Austin is drinking and wandering around the ring. He says that he gave the best years of his life to wrestling and he’s never backed down from anyone in the WWE and through it all there has only been one man who was his friend and that’s JR. He says that last week was completely pathetic, unacceptable, and bullshit. Austin calls out Vince, but gets Stephanie.

Stone Cold calls her a transvestite because he asked for Vince. He says he would love to let her talk, but he breath smells. She says he won’t be able to do anything, because if he does anything JR won’t be rehired. He tells he that he may well take his frustrations out on her instead. He plans on hiking her dress up (making sure not to let her balls fall out) and giving her the spanking she’s always deserved and ask everyone to give a hell yeah. King gives a hell yeah, but Coach gives a hell no. Austin threatens to whip coach around the arena, but Steph stops him and tells him he doesn’t need to do that right now.

Steph says she has a proposition for him. He says he has a twenty for her. She gives him the opportunity to win JR’s job back if he can beat Coachman in a match at Taboo Tuesday. Stone Cold drinks to that and Steph waddles out. Austin tells Coach he’s got an ass-whuppin’ coming. Stephanie stops at the ramp and tells him that if he loses to Coach, he’s fired....he was hired? Steve says it wouldn’t be the first time he got fired and drinks to her instead. Steve walks up the ramp to Coach who says he’s been studying Karate...from who? Eric? Steve tells him to take the first shot and pulls Coach’s glasses off, then he rips off Coach’s hat and headset and keeps challenging. Steve pours the beer out in Coach’s hat and put sit back on his head before finally making his way out.

We get a Smackdown Rebound of Eddie and Batista’s history with the Orton’s before we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The Tag commercial’s sound went out completely.

Back to the show. Everyone is in the ring. Eric comes out and announces Flair/Triple H for Taboo Tuesday and officially makes Foley/Carlito. HE also brings back to the fantasy Diva Battle Royal. Eric says that without further delay....we’ll be delayed by John Cena. Cena goes to the announce table and Eric announces Kane. Funny Visual of everyone hiding in the corner from Kane.

Over the Top Battle Royal (Taboo Tuesday Qualifier)

Carlito tries to take Kane on and eats a choke slam right off the bat. Kane chucks him and everyone gets to work. Viscera gets tossed by Kane right off the bat as well and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: My car MIGHT work, but it WANTS to fuck me over at a very bad time by dying completely.

WWE Unlimited: Edge barely escapes getting dumped by landing on the apron. Snitsky got eliminated by Kane. and Tomko and Tajiri got tossed as well. Val Venis gets worked over in the corner pretty rough and Rosey has to fight out of a double team. Cade and Murdoch still overpower him and dump the large man to the floor. Eugene gets eliminated and pulls Conway over the ropes form the outside. Cade and Murdoch take on Kane and beat him down in the corner.

Kerwin takes a hard fall to the floor, and Shelton skins the cat only to get floored by Kane and sent out anyway. The Heartthrobs run into Kane and get a double chokeslam. Kane tosses them both and it comes down to Masters and Kane. Masters hits a scoop slam and goes for the master lock while Cena wonders what the hell that is supposed to do in an over the top battle royal, but Kane uses sheer strength to prevent the application and toss Masters from the ring.
Winner: Kane

Special Match "Fact": The last World Title shot Kane had was against Triple H in which he lost his mask and revealed the smoking remains of Larry from the Three Stooges.

After the match, Cena and Kane stare down as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Amazingly enough, Big Show/Edge stood out tonight, but it was great to see Kane back in action and looking solid as well.

Lowlight of the Night: Carlito/HBK ties with Stephanie/Austin. Both went on too long, and didn’t deliver anything interesting or new.

Pimp like you’ve never pimped before

In the latest edition of the One Man Conchairto, Richard looks at the WWE’s Vanilla flavored offerings.

Justin Shapiro keeps the funny coming even from the past ashes, with the Retro Heat Report.

Sean Carless checks in with the latest PPV Rant, it’s the WWE No Mercy 2005 Rant. Prepare for the worst PPV ever...until the next one.

It’s the grand return of Just a Thought! Renee is back and you better be ready to take a road trip, bitch.

Gonzo returns with the Alcohol-fueled Smackdown Report. The Boogeyman is on his way, and crazy Orton Antics are afoot. Check it all out, and get completely wasted.

Last, but definitely not least, James Walker drives by with his White Vans & Candy as he presents WWE Does the Classics. It comes more highly recommended than most deodorants.

Now please, leave me be or I may be forced to call the obligatory security.

WWE RAW RANT: (10/24/05) By CAMERON BURGE

Welcome back. Once again, I bring you, the downtrodden and socially indisposed, a weekly dose of Raw Recap Goodness. Tonight is the beginning of the voting for Taboo Tuesday, and we all know that Big Show will be crying himself to sleep that night as either HBK or Kane pulls away with the votes. And if that isn’t the case, I guarantee you that I’ll eat my own sock.

Two big matches have already been announced for tonight. In a Triple Threat Match, Big Show, HBK and Kane will throw it down. Also, Angle will tangle with Cena with Foley as the guest ref.

Raw 10.24.05

Show opens with a recap of Bischoff making the Taboo Tuesday Main Event and who all won the matches. We cut to ringside for the Triple Threat match and HBK is here. Coach is still wearing the JR hat, but King and him are much more amiable this evening. At least Coach foregoes the Big Show size jokes.

The Big Show vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Kane (Triple Threat Match)

Big Show throws off both Kane and HBK when they attack him and goes to work on Michaels, but Kane attacks form behind. Show tries to work Kane over, but Michaels hits him on the back weakly and gets slammed for two. Show continues to sling both men around and Kane fails a shoulderblock getting laid out for two himself. Show nails Michaels with a headbutt and a chop before signaling for the chokeslam, but Kane attacks from behind. Kane chokes Show out in the ropes while Michaels pounds on him and it goes to Michaels/Kane when Show tumbles to the floor.

Kane slams Michaels to the corner and catches him with a sidewalk slam on the rebound. Kane lands a big elbow drop and goes to come off the ropes, but Show grabs his leg from behind and drags him out to the floor. Show is busted open and come inside to military press Michaels over his head and throws him on top of Kane on the outside as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Saw II is looking like the horror movie to see this year as it has mostly been slim pickin’s this year.

WWE Unlimited: Kane attempts a choke slam on Show The keyword there is "tried". Show went to chokeslam Kane, HBK went to the top rope and landed on Show's shoulders which pulled all three of them over the top rope to the floor

Back to the match. Kane and Show square off while HBK writhes on the floor, but Kane gains the upper hand with hard rights until Show plant shim with a powerslam for two when Shawn makes the save. Show tangles with Michaels some more and slings him back to the outside to go with Kane again. Kane gets the advantage again and some mounted punching in the corner ensues. Show escapes and sends Kane to the corner but misses the charge. Kane attempts a suplex with Show, but botches completely and Show lands hard. Kane goes up top and Michaels tries to interfere but gets dumped to the outside again. Big Show comes up top and catches Kane for a Superplex. Both men go down and Michaels gets the Elbow on Big Show. Michaels tunes up the band and nails Show with it who sells it incredibly well.

Kane flattens Michaels form behind and tries to steal the pin on Show, but only gets two. Kane gets pissed and goes to the outside for a chair. Kane throws in three chairs and nails Show right in the face with one as the ref is throwing the chairs out. King points out that the ref should have at least heard that impact. Kane goes up top again as Show staggers up, but he comes off the top right into Sweet Chin Music from Michaels and Shawn lands some more Music on Show to pick up the three count.
Winner: HBK

Special Match "Fact": The only Smackdown! show I’ve seen live, featured the Hardy Boys up against the tag team of The Big Show and a still masked Kane.

We get a video thing about Cena riding in a racecar. I don’t know why I should care (And who the hell wears a championship belt inside a racecar?). Afterwards we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m getting sick of seeing that damn Incredible Hulk commercial.

WWE Unlimited: Tard interviewed HBK, then Show came up the ramp and shook hands with him.

Back to the show. Coach and King talk about the match that just happened and King grabs a mic to ask the crowd what they think of Coach’s announcing. He asks if anyone enjoyed seeing Stone Cold punk Coach last week. Coach asks him what the point is so King tells him they are going to run the footage again. King tells us what the three choices for Coach’s match is. Verbal Debate (boos), Arm Wrestling Match (more boos), or Street Fight (Cheers). Gee, I wonder what they’ll choose....

King asks Coach what the matter is and Coach snatches the mic he asks if this is funny to King but the "You Suck" chants drown him out. Coach says he isn’t afraid of Stone Cold. Coach walks to the ring and dares Stone Cold to face him as we go to commercial...again?

Random Commercial Thought: *singing...very well I might add* Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting...HUWAH! Those kicks were fast as lightning....

Back to the show. Coach is telling Stone Cold he has three seconds or Coach will walk back there and drag him out. The Glass shatters at two and we see Stone Colds truck driving through the back...how did the sound guy know to play his music if he wasn’t here yet? The truck pulls in and instead of Stone Cold, we get Stephanie. She actually garners some cheers but that’s probably because her tits are hanging out. Funny...I don't get any cheers when MY tits are hanging out.

She tells us that Austin will not be here tonight, and Coach says he is disappointed but he won’t back down. He calls Austin out for next week and Stephanie insults the crowd’s sluts chants. Stephanie congratulates him on a job well done and tells us that JR had successful colon surgery.

She recaps the match stipulations for us and says Vince will be here later with a surprise. She says that Vince would love to take Coach’s place and tells us how built Vince is when Foley makes the scene. Foley is in his ref uniform and says she is full of crap. She claims that Steph is full of crap who says that is actually JR’s problem. (GET IT?! COLON Cancer! AHAHAHAHAAA!). Foley talks about the McMahon-Helmsley era (which still hasn’t ended) and Linda.

Stephanie asks Mick how tough he’ll talk to his opponent at Taboo Tuesday as Coach comes back to announcing. Carlito walks out and as he gets in the ring, Steph kicks Mick in the balls. Carlito beats Foley all around and drops a knee to the balls. Carlito eventually spit sin Foley’s face and leaves Foley laying in a heap in the ring.

Random Commercial Thought: I take control of my family’s security too....with a bullet.

Back to the show where they replay Carlito owning Foley. Foley is coughing out Apple as if he’s just been force-fed it in the back when Eric arrives and tells him to suck it up.

Viscera is set to face Triple H next. This is sad...but Flair attacks Triple H from behind and gets himself beaten down and slammed into the chairs. Wait, isn’t it supposed to go the other way around in a sneak attack? The refs try to separate the two as Hunter pounds Flair into the ground with Ric only landing a couple of thoughts. Hunter continues to break away from the refs multiple times and as a reef takes Hunter back up the aisle, Flair breaks away and tackles him. The refs finally haul Hunter back up the aisle and I guess Viscera went to the back to get some hotdogs. Flair apparently channels Three Live Kru and chucks a shoe.

Flair grabs a mic and gets in the ring. he demands the fans put him in a cage. He keeps repeating "A Cage" and jumps around a bit before stalking tiredly back up the aisle.

We go to a camera in the parking lot for some reason when JBL’s limo arrives. JBL steps out as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: After all these years, they still pimp the Bowflex like it is a new and innovative device.

Back to the show where Bischoff and JBL are fighting with each other in a shouting match. JBL says he does whatever he wants when he wants. They replay Masters and Edge attacking Mysterio last week, and we go to Edge in the ring with Lita and Masters. He tells JBL that he speared Mysterio last week because nobody cares about JBL, not even the Smackdown locker room. Edge tells us that it is now officially Raw vs. Smackdown at Taboo Tuesday. Him and Masters against two of five Smackdown superstars. Masters says that most people here probably haven’t even heard of anyone on Smackdown so they‘ll introduce the five people. The first option is Matt. Lita reminds us why Matt is on Smackdown now and we move on to the next person, which is Rey. Masters tells us that since Taboo Tuesday is in San Diego, it will be a short drive home form the hospital for him, and Lita tells us that Mysterio is the inspiration for Smackdown‘s new Midget division.. Next is Christian, and Edge congratulates him on being the only guy to get less votes than Hardy. Next is Holly, who Masters accuses of being a bleach blonde, spandex-wearing weirdo. He says that Bob wants him in the shower (I thought that was JBL?).

JBL is last and he calls Masters out to try his Masterlock on him. Edge claims to be a bigger star than all five of the Smackdown stars as Masters makes his way out. JBL and Masters have a stare down and JBL says there is only one small problem with Masters wanting to do the Masterlock now. He just fell for the oldest trick in the book. JBL gets back in his limp as Rey Mysterio attacks Edge and Lita, nailing Lita with a 619. Rey escapes through the crowd as Edge returns to Lita’s side and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: My abs are defined.....as a slightly bulging mass.

Back to the show where they recap what just happened (where the hell is the WRESTLING?). Voting is open. Team Tittie is here. Mickie has a match. She's facing Victoria. Does anyone care?

Mickie James w/ Ashley & Women’s Champion Trish Stratus vs. Victoria w/ Candice Michelle & Torrie Wilson

Victoria puts Mickie in a vicious looking side headlock and hits a knee to the side of the head. Mickie tries a rollup and gets two. She goes on the offensive, but misses a dropkick. Victoria stomps on her for a bit after she falls until they get into a fist fight. Mickie gains the advantage with a chop, but Victoria hits a clothesline for two. Victoria tries a rear chin lock (heh heh...rear....). Victoria keeps the pressure on, but Mickie hits an amazing reversal into a headscissors. Torrie trips Mickie up from the outside and distracts her for a suspended suplex, but Mickie reverses it into a cover. Candice distracts the ref , but Ashley takes care of her and Trish gets in the ring to help Mickie. Mickie finally gets the three count.
Winner: Mickie

Special Match "Fact": Last Taboo Tuesday’s Diva Battle Royal featured School Girl Outfits (I can’t believe they didn’t pick FRENCH MAID).

After the match, Victoria and Trish get into it and all the girls go at it, with Trish and crew gaining the advantage. We go to the back where Vince is on his way to the ring for a big announcement.

Random Commercial Thought: Mascots should play their sports instead of the players. It’s way more entertaining.

Back to the show. Vinnie Mac is here (and not a steroid to be seen...wink wink). Vince says he doesn’t like it when the people second guess his family’s decisions. He says JR should stay fired and Coach should be the new man. Vince continues with the colon jokes and even replies to an asshole chants by saying that is exactly what he is going to talk about. He tells us that out cameras were there for JR’s colon surgery....well this ought to suck. This is basically a dummy with a JR hat on and Vince as a doctor. We get a Nurse Slobberknockers and every time Vince puts the heart...listener thing on JR we get a different weird sound effect. It’s all spliced with JR sound bites form various Raws as they basically redo the Kane/Triple H thing and pull things out of JR’s ass. This is not nearly as funny as TNA’s funeral bit. They DO however find...MAE YOUNG’S OTHER HAND. This of course all ends with them pulling JR’s head out of his own ass. You can sure tell Dusty is on creative again. God help us all.

Vince accuses everyone having their head up their asses before heading on out (AHAHA! "HEADING" Get it?!...me neither). Commercial time.

Random Commercial Thought: If Ratchet Deadlocked is not fit for this world, why the hell are you trying to sell it to me?

Back to the show....if you can call it that. Cade and Murdoch are here as they tell us that the two losers of the voting for the Main event at Taboo Tuesday will face them for the titles. Rosey and Hurricane are supposed to challenge them but Rosey comes alone.

Rosey vs. World Tag Team Champions Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch (Handicap Tag Match)

Rosey attacks Murdoch form behind and dumps him outside as Cade catches him with a sledge to the bag. Cade puts Rosey in the corner as Hurricane some out to ringside in his new Metro-sexual look. He goes by Gregory Helms now. Rosey keeps calling him down, but Helms refuses to move. Rosey takes Cade by himself, but misses a clothesline to the ropes, sending himself over. Murdoch attacks him on the outside and Cade lands an elbow inside.

Murdoch annihilates Rosey some more and jokingly makes himself Rosey’s partner to tag himself in. Cade tags back in, but Rosey rallies and fights back. Cade comes off an Irish whip with a flying shoulderblock and plants Rosey in the center of the ring. Cade tags in Murdoch and hits a combination Running Clothesline/Leg Sweep on Rosey for the win.
Winners: Cade & Murdoch

Special Match "Fact": Gregory Helms’ real name is Shane.

Gregory still stands at the top of the ramp as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Dirty Boys DON’T get clean...that’s why they’re dirty, retard.

WWE Unlimited: Gregory Helms tells Tard Grisham "Let me guess. You want to know ‘Wazup wit dat‘?" He tells Tard that he was carrying Rosey all along and he’s sick of making people laugh.

Back to the show. We get a Smackdown Rebound of Benoit annihilating himself, but Booker losing in the end. Of course it all ends with Sharmell going heel and getting Booker the title.

We go to ringside for Foley and Kurt Angle. John Cena isn’t far behind.

Kurt Angle vs. WWE Champion John Cena (Non-Title Match with Special Referee: Mick Foley)

Kurt takes Cena down with a side headlock takedown, but Cena escapes and hits some shoulderblocks forcing Angle to roll to the outside. Angle climbs back in and the crowd is really riled up. Angle tries another side headlock takedown and keeps Cena grounded. Cena escapes and hits a hip toss followed by a scoop slam, Cena rallies back and sends Cena to the ropes, but John reverses a back body drop attempt and sends Kurt to the outside as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: A Racing Game based around one character is almost always an incredibly bad one.

Back to the match. Cena is on the outside where Foley is checking on him. Angle is dragging himself up inside the ring. Cena had been clothesline over the top rope. Foley forces Angle to take the fight back inside where Angle lands a stiff suplex for two. Cena takes a beating in the corner and a stomping on the ground. Angle chokes him out on the ropes and crushes Cena with a backbreaker for two. Angle uses his new favorite body scissors move, but Cena forces his way out. Cena comes off the ropes and runs right into a belly to belly suplex. Angle almost gets a three, and yells at Foley, but Cena rolls him up from behind for barely a pin at all.

Angle hits a German suplex but only gets two. Foley tells him it was close, when Angle complains. Angle takes Cena back down for another two and tries a waist lock. Cena fights his way out of this lame looking submission and hits a big DDT. Both men get back up at nine and go to a fist fight with Cena gaining the advantage and getting his clotheslines in. Cena hits a big suplex and picks up two when Carlito comes to ringside and gets beatdown by Foley. Carlito slams Foley into the stair several times and hits his modified swinging neckbreaker. Meanwhile, Cena plants Angle and hits the five knuckle shuffle.

Bischoff comes to the ring in a ref shirt as Cena gets Angle in the FU. Cena gets taken with a German and Bischoff tries to count the pin. Cena gets pissed and goes for Bischoff, but Angle gets the ankle lock. Bischoff keeps telling him he will tap as he goes for the ropes, and as Cena is about to grab them, Bischoff grabs his hand and make shim tap out.
Winner: Angle

Special Match "Fact": Kurt Angle wears that mouthpiece because he injured his teeth in a match. No Toothless Aggression for him.

Cena finally escapes the ankle lock as Bischoff and Angle celebrate on the outside and the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: The Triple Threat Match was entertaining ,but not really spectacular. However, it was the best we got on a horrible night. Also, Michaels had no business winning that match. It should have gone to Big Show who had no momentum going into Taboo Tuesday, but WWE is trying to force people to vote for Michaels so they can make Kane and Big Show a tag team again.

Lowlight of the Night: EVERYTHING ELSE. My GOD this was an abysmal show. With only four matches (really two and two throw aways), if I had paid to be there I’d be incredibly pissed.

Pimps are filling and they taste good too

Sean Carless is the man with the plan (to take over the world) and he brings you the TNA Impact Rant. But this ILLUSTRIOUS position can be filled by you! That’s right, John Q. Dorkenmire can be the new TNA Impact Recapper. Apply Today!

Renee keeps her funny train rolling since her return with another hilarious piece. This time, Kerwin White tries to become a White Supremacist...and gets rejected? Find out why in Just a Thought.

What if JR had A.I.D.S.? No seriously. What if he did? Well Keith Campbell is here in a brand new guest column to answer that question. Read. And Laugh.

Back in the good old days of......2003, WWE was a much different place....Okay, no it wasn’t. but still. I needed an intro. Check out Justin Shapiro's Retro Heat.

Joe Merrick is back with another TWF Low Blow and boy is this one low, when he turns the table on us, the TWF staff....Wait a minute, did I just get punked by Eric fucking Bischoff?

When two insane men combine to become one super satire power, only trouble can occur. Check out Remy and James as they bring you the Demented Vans and Candy!..Or is that White Vans of Doom? Anyway, they call it Canada’s Most Unwanted.

WWE RAW RANT: (10/31/05) By GERSHON LEVY

BOO!!! Well it’s Halloween so I had to do that. This is your gullible guest host The Gersh filling in for Cameron this week on the Raw Recap. I say gullible because he not only talked me into covering for him on Halloween, but also to recap the last Raw before a PPV (which much like Krusty the Clown’s interacting with the audience is always death). In this instance it is the day before Taboo Tuesday which is WWE’s attempt to reach out to the fans and give them a chance to vote for the matches they want to see. Of course, that means you, the fan get to choose from some really crappy choices and one good one. If you’re like me, you picked some of the lamer choices like an arm wrestling match between Stone Cold and Coach just to defy Vince and company but sadly I know my choices are in the minority which is why Christian will not be facing Edge and Chris Masters. Hmm actually it looks more like lack of a job has more to do with that than lack of votes.
As you may have noticed for the past few weeks, Cameron has been including my comments regarding WWE Unlimited. No reason for that to change, though it guarantees I will not be able to move from my chair for over two hours tonight unlike most times when I pay about half attention to some of the matches. Also, I’ll probably not be commenting on the commercials since I won’t be watching them.
OK well, I got my beer in one hand and my penis in the other, so let’s see which one gets emptied first (depends how soon the divas are on). On to the show!
On the pre-show Unlimited, Lilian Garcia dressed as the Queen of Hearts does the national anthem followed by a USA chant. Then the introductions Jerry Lawler dressed as a king. HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL!!! I didn’t know kings wore wrestling tights. Then comes coach dressed as Stone Cold. OK that’s kinda funny actually. He even has a cooler of beer and calls himself “Stone Cold Coach”. You know, I don’t think I’d be too upset if he beats Austin tomorrow.
Intro and pyro and we’re live from Anaheim, California. We got John Cena vs. HBK and a Diva Halloween Costume Contest. Austin will be here also. Bischoff is out with Chris Masters. Coach uses this opportunity to slam two beers together and King says “I can’t believe you dressed as a redneck”. There’s a chair set up which makes me think there will be a Masterlock Challenge here. It’s Rey Mysterio with Teddy Long. Well if there’s anyone who can break the MASTERfull Nelson, it’s Rey. Masters didn’t think Mysterio would have the guts to come out and said usually you have to be “this tall” (he lifted Rey onto the chair to prove his point). Rey attacks Masters which gets Bischoff calling down the Raw superstars followed by Teddy calling in the Smackdown superstars, or at least the other four. Wait, four others? CHRISTIAN IS THERE!!! I’m wondering if he had some kind of contract obligation for tomorrow night. Teddy informs Eric that Smackdown will win at Taboo Tuesday regardless of who is voted in. It’s commercial time.
WWE Unlimited: Teddy Long takes an informal poll of the crowd as to who they want to be at Taboo Tuesday. Hardy and Rey get the biggest cheers.
In the back, Bischoff refuses to go down to Teddy Long. At least he didn’t say “go down on”. Kurt Angle’s music hits and he walks to the ring. Footage airs of the forced tap of Cena last week. Out to face Angle is the Japanese Buzzsaw Tajiri. I call this match butternut because it looks like a squash.
Kurt Angle (Your Olympic Hero) vs. Tajiri (Your Japanese Delivery Boy)
Angle dominates early on then Tajiri fights back with chops though Kurt counters with a belly to belly suplex. Angle wraps his legs around Tajiri in a way I could only dream a woman would do to me. Tajiri breaks the leg scissors with some chops but Angle maintains control. Tajiri delivers a sharp kick, followed by another and gets a close near fall. Tajiri manages to set up for the Tarantula but Angle breaks out of it and gets the Ankle Lock to get the submission victory.
Winner: Kurt Angle
Angle is on the mic saying he doesn’t care who the third guy in the match is because he’ll walk away with the championship. He is mentioning how he beat Cena three times. Angle requests last week’s tap out footage again and after it finishes Cena runs in and attacks Angle though he escapes and badmouths Cena from the ramp as we go to commercial.
WWE Unlimited: Tard Grisham is out dressed as Harry Carey? He does a REALLY bad impression of Will Ferrell’s impression of the late Cubs announcer. A scan of the crowd’s costumes shows that nothing is terribly original although someone actually wore a Osama Bin Laden mask which got a LOT of boos.
Back to the show, and Coach shows off that he actually has a red neck! Footage airs of the history of Flair and HHH with his long ass promo as a voice over. Flair’s music then hits and Naitch makes an appearance. He says he has “kissed his ass for so long and tomorrow he is gonna kick it”. He requests the cage again which I’m sure will happen since it’s the second week in a row he asked the crowd to vote for it. Coach pimps the main event tonight and we go to commercial.
WWE Unlimited: Tard Grisham is back out taking an informal poll for the title match choice. HBK seemed to get the loudest pop. He then asks which legend for Eugene’s partner. The reactions are hard to hear because they are playing some Korn song in the background. He takes a poll of which diva outfit they want to see. Like I really give a crap what Anaheim thinks.
We are back and Rob Conway is on his way out. In the last couple of weeks he’s faced Greg “The Hammer” Valentine and Koko B. Ware on Heat. Which legend does he face tonight? Eugene. Yes, I remember all of Eugene’s legendary moves from when I was a kid. Moves like the Stone Cold Stunner, the Rock Bottom, and the Hogan Leg Drop. You know this really makes it stupid when you have the two key people in a match face each other like this. Eugene attacks early but Conway gets control. Eventually he gets Eugene to a point where he “tards up” and fights back and sends Conway out of the ring. Rob grabs a chair and gets disqualified for using it. He keeps attacking which causes the three potential partners to come out. Hacksaw Jim Duggan (wearing blue gym shorts) hits him with his 2x4, then Kamala hits him with the splash followed by Snuka hitting the big splash from the top rope. Then King gets excited because he has just put on the rest of his costume which is the EXTREMELY FRIGHTENING Burger King mask. He goes to the ring and hits Conway with his fist from the second rope.
Grisham is in the back and finds Gregory Helms and informs him of his name backwards. He walks away then Mick Foley walks over. He’s wearing a Ronald McDonald House T-shirt under his flannel. Makes sense, I think he might have eaten some of those kids. He says apparently Carlito has a surprise for him but he also has a surprise for the Bad Apple himself. He compliments Grisham on his Church Lady costume. Running gag alert!
WWE Unlimited: Maria (who is not Maria, she’s “Angel”). She asks Bischoff about Eugene’s match. He decides since the fans choose Eugene’s partner that he gets to choose Conway’s partner. And that partner is…..Tyson Tomko. That felt like when you take a dump and you think you’re gonna get that one last turd out and you’re real excited but then it doesn’t come.
Carlito is out. He doesn’t know which face of Foley he is facing but he knows he will win uno, dos, tres. Good thing he didn’t say anything else in Spanish because I don’t remember anything else from my three years of studying it. He says the only face the fans need to worry about is the face of Carlito. All of a sudden Dude Love pops up on the screen and says some stuff. Ditto for Cactus Jack and then Mankind. Mankind uses every word he can to rhyme with Carlito (bleedo, cheeto, Apollo Creedo) and actually rhymes cotton taco with Mr. Socko. After that ends, Coach is on the mic calling out Stone Cold. I am now noticing he is even wearing the same leg braces that Austin usually wears. He goes to the ring and we go to commercial again.
WWE Unlimited: Coach is mocking the crowd, mainly of the Angels. I like that he mocked them for not being able to decide which city they are representing. He says because the White Sox beat them, that is why Wrestlemania is going to Chicago and not back to Anaheim.
Back to the show, Coach admits he had some help planned. And it’s GOLDUST!!! I guess Dusty’s working for the company might have had something to do with that. The question is does he still have that p-p-p-problem? Coach and Goldust are about to go looking for him and Vince’s music hits. Dr. Heinie himself comes out and disappoints the crowd by informing them Austin will not be at Raw or Taboo Tuesday for that matter because he was in an “accident” in the last week. So Coach basically won the match and I guess that does it for JR. But since Coach was scheduled for a match Vince decides he will still wrestle. However, there is no one on the Raw roster left near his caliber so he went to Smackdown. Raw’s #1 announcer will face Smackdown’s #1 announcer and here comes Michael Cole, err I mean Funaki. Goldust and Coach basically waste him and toss him out of the ring. Coach says to Vince he’ll face anyone on the Smackdown roster and Vince says the first one to come out gets to face him. Well, who comes out but my hometown hero, BATISTA!!! Dave comes out and even Vince looks shocked. He rolls up his sleeves and Coach goes for a cheap shot. Goldust attacks Dave and all of a sudden IT’S TIME! IT’S TIME! IT’S VADER TIME! And it is appropriate I typed that in caps because he is HUGE. I mean there is a reason a lot of clothes now say “one size fits most”. All of a sudden Dave breaks out of Goldust’s attack and nails him with a spine buster. Vader then attacks Big Dave (who in comparison looks quite small) and holds him back while Coach slaps him. Funniest moment of the night is when Vader climbs out of the ring and falls on his ass.
WWE Unlimited: A video package of Cena promoting his album in Italy. Not really interested.
Footage airs of the WWE Australian tour. HHH’s music hits and The Game is out for a match. I need to decide what I should do during his entrance. I can go to the bathroom, get a refill on my drink, balance my checkbook, watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy...
HHH vs. Viscera
Big Vis’ theme starts with him saying “the world’s largest love machine”. To be fair, HHH is catching up pretty quick. The match that never happened last week is happening now. Well I for one was really disappointed that match didn’t happen last week. OK I’m lying. Trips attacks Big Vis with reckless abandon and delivers the Pedigree and ends the match in about 20 seconds.
Winner: HHH
Post match, HHH attacks Viscera with the steel steps which sends him over the outside barrier. Trips is on the mic talking to Flair. He won’t be held responsible for what he does at Taboo Tuesday. Well whoop dee freakin doo. Off to commercial.
WWE Unlimited: The refs are helping Viscera get to the back. It appears there are about 40 refs carrying him. He falls down and someone screams for a doctor or a trainer. I think I just heard someone say “you’re on Candid Camera”.
Back to the show, Coach and King are mentioning that Raw was the highest rated program on cable last week though I noticed Law and Order SVU reruns had like three slots on that list. They pimp the Taboo Tuesday card. Coach wishes that his match against Batista is for the title. Grisham is in the back and brings in John Cena. He says Tard Grisham is as fun as a farting contest and wants Tard to interview him as Barbara Bush or Orville Redenbacher or Beethoven. “Harry” asks him “if Kurt Angle was a chicken quesadilla with all the fixins, would you eat him?” Cena thinks it’s pretty sad but Angle selling himself out to Bischoff for a title shot is worse.
WWE Unlimited: The Heart Throbs are on their way out dressed in their Halloween costumes as straight men! Actually I can’t figure out if they’re supposed to be Zorro, Batman, or a couple of homos in black masks and capes.
Back on the show, one of the Heart Throbs is on the mic saying they were going to go as Bo and Luke Duke but decided to go as Batman and Batman. I think they missed the boat on this one and should have been Robin and Robin.
Heart Throbs vs. Kane and Big Show (Texas Tornado match)
Wow, as if they couldn’t make it more obvious they want Show and Kane to go for the tag titles. This match seems pointless to recap as the two big men dominated the match. Show did a superplex and I hope he didn’t break the guy’s back like he did to Kane last week. Kane then does big boot and a top rope clothesline and it becomes a battle of the two men trying to top each other. Double choke slam and double pin for the win and double cheeseburgers for Show after the match.
Winners: Big Show and Kane
WWE Unlimited: Tard Grisham interviews Batista. The ring is being set up for the Diva Costume Contest. King is on his way to the ring and thankfully this time the only mask he is wearing is the shit eating grin for what is about to happen.
Footage of the Taboo Tuesday press conference airs which includes a crazy girl hugging John Cena. Every superstar points out how this is interactive and/or bashes their opponent.
King is in the ring reminding the fans they have the choice as to what the divas will be wearing at Taboo Tuesday. Ashley is out first as a dark angel. King says “she could tell you to go to hell and you’d look forward to the trip”. Next is Maria who is still the angel and King would like to “get inside those pearly gates”. We then get Candice as Catwoman. Put your own joke here about Halle Berry. Mickie James is out dressed as Trish Stratus with BAD techno music as her theme and a cardboard championship belt. You can buy those for 50 bucks at the concession stand. Victoria is next dressed as a baseball player with a bat and White Sox cap. Finally Trish is out dressed as Wonder Woman with a nice tan. I’d like to show her my invisible jet. Wait a minute, that didn’t flatter me too well. It just occurred to me that Torrie is nowhere to be found. King conducts a poll of the crowd to who their favorite is. Mickie interrupts and says they should be cheering for Trish. Victoria tells her to calm down and gets slapped for her trouble. Victoria swings her bat and misses (just like A-rod!) then gets a kick in the stomach sending her to the outside. The four remaining divas pick up Candice by each of her arms and legs (though I wish that was one to each boob and butt cheek) and lift her in the air about five times. Is it her birthday? Victoria then throws Mickie out of the ring and Trish nails her with a chick kick. Main event is next as we go to commercial.
No Unlimited and we come back to find out the champ is here! Cena makes his entrance followed by HBK. It’s main event time!
John Cena vs. HBK (non-title match to practically beg the fans to vote for HBK)
The match starts with an exchange of fists and chops. HBK gets an arm lock in and a “you tapped out” chant starts. Who are they saying that to? A couple of shoulder blocks, then Cena throws HBK over the top. Shawn holds on and pulls himself back in but Cena was ready and takes him down. There seems to be a mix of boos and cheers in this match though I honestly have no idea who is getting which reaction. Cena gets a back body drop and a two count. FU attempt broken up by Michaels and he goes outside the ring. Back inside and HBK hits a few double axe handles on Cena’s back. Cena then throws HBK to the corner but misses a clothesline. Shawn hits the champ with a neck breaker and gets a two count pin. He locks on a sleeper hold which Cena starts drifting on but breaks out of with a suplex. Cena follows with a series of clotheslines and a flying shoulder block then a five knuckle shuffle. Cena goes for the FU but HBK breaks out of it and hits a flying forearm. Shawn nips up and hits an inverted atomic drop followed by a couple of clotheslines and a body slam. He goes to the top but misses the elbow. Angle then comes to the ring and attacks both men. He delivers a belly to belly suplex on HBK but Cena gets to him and sets up the FU. HBK then nails Cena with Sweet Chin Music and the champ falls down while holding Angle. He takes the belt and holds it for a moment before spinning it and placing it on Cena as the show goes off the air. There was no post-show Unlimited.
Highlight of the Night: Not much to choose from here. The main event was a decent match until it was interrupted and it was nice to see Big Dave. Also, Christian for the time being was there still.
Lowlight of the Night: As usual, too many squashes and random change to the Austin-Coach match at the last minute.
Typical pre-PPV show though I would really like to know why Christian was there after they said he quit and the real reason Austin wasn’t. Anyway, thanks for reading.

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