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RAW RANT ARCHIVE
(May 2005)
WWE RAW RANT: (05/02/05) By Cameron Burge
Welcome to the Raw
Rant. We got a lot to cover tonight.
It’s time to see the backlash from...uh...Backlash. Batista is champ, but
had to sell the Pedigree like he was hit by a Mac Truck when he kicked out of a shot from the Big Gold Belt. Hurricane and
Rosey randomly ended up as tag champs and Big Vis beat down Trish. Let’s get into this.
Raw 5.02.05
We’re in Boston tonight if you care. The show opens
backstage where Batista is working it on Christy. Eric runs her off and congratulates Batista on his big win. He thinks it’s
a perfect night to announce the Eight-man tourney for the number one contender. He’s calling it the Gold Rush tournament.
Didn’t Smackdown just do this? This is what happens when you base the title picture around one man for too long.
You don’t have a storyline reason for anyone else to challenge.
The men won’t know who they are fighting
before hand. Eric gives Batista the night off, but he decides he wants to stick around have a match. He decides the opponent
he wants is Eric, because Triple H got to wrestle JR. Eric screams in "B" Movie over-dramatized fashion when Batista tells
him to relax, and that Bischoff is the one who needs the night off.
Theme and pyro send us to the show proper. JR and
King send us to the first Gold Rush match.....enter the Christian! The Peep signs are plentiful tonight. WWE is going to have
to take notice that the fans love this man soon.
His opponent is Kane. It is of note to tell you that Lita is wearing
a shirt with a neckline that goes to her navel tonight and smiling evilly. Looks like she might be heel now.
Kane
w/ Lita vs. Christian w/ Tyson Tomko (Gold Rush Tournament Match)
Christian trash talks Kane something fierce.
They tie up and Kane chucks him through the ropes easily. Tomko and Christian regroup and Christian returns to the ring to
pound on Kane, but eats a big boot and gets tossed to the floor again.
Tomko refrains from attacking Kane, when Kane
turns on him, but it allows Christian to sneak in a drop toe hold to send Kane face first into the steel steps. Christian
returns to the ring and distracts the ref while Tomko attacks then Christian hits a spring board cross body tot he floor while
the crowd begins a "We want Matt" chant.
Christian continues to the beat down on Kane inside the ring while King makes
fun of the top Lita "is almost wearing." Christian attacks with chops on the ropes and kicks in the corner before picking
up a two count. Christian removes the turnbuckle cover and turns to find Kane has recovered and eats a clothesline and flapjack
before being sent to the corner. Christian catches Kane with a reverse elbow and Kane goes for a chokeslam when Christian
reverses into a leg-scissored sleeper hold.
Kane reverses into a side slam and goes up top but Christian distracts
the ref so Tomko can push him off. Christian goes for the Unprettier, but Kane reverses, but Christian counter with a thumb
to the eye. Tomko goes to the apron to help Christian chuck Kane to the outside, but Kane reverses the Irish whip and slams
Christian into Tomko and hits a slam on Christian into the Chokeslam for three.
Winner: Kane
Special Match
"Fact": Critics say that if Christian were to cut a rap album it would sell twice as well as John Cena’s.
Post
match, Tomko gets eats a big boot and chokeslam as well.
Backstage Christian is limping away when Flair makes fun of
him for rapping on him and Hunter at Backlash so he cuts his own rhyme saying Triple H will win the tourney.
Random
Commercial Thought: My family says I ALREADY have a big mouth so I don’t need surgery......hey wait a minute! Also
of note: A TNA commercial actually aired.
Footage airs of Hogan’s achievements with the "one more match" chant
in the background. In case you didn’t know they beat Team Arab-America.
Speak of the devils, Hassan and Daivari
come out. Daivari cuts an Arabic promo with Hassan praising Allah before Hassan tells us he’s still undefeated on Raw
yet he’s excluded from the Gold Rush tournament just as he was excluded from Wrestlemania by prejudiced WWE(that part
is true they are prejudiced). Hassan says what happened to him at Backlash was a travesty and he blames Michaels and Hogan....and
the fans. He tells us there is one more person who needs to be held in account and it’s Daivari.
Hassan blames
Daivari for losing. Hey, The Flying Jihad can only do so much. Hassan gives a pride obliterating bitchslap to Khosrow and
when his manager tries to explain himself he receives another, and yet another. "Hogan" chants pick up while Daivari rolls
around on the ground. Khosrow rolls slowly out of the ring behind Hassan and crawls to his feet before limping down the aisle
in shame. Commercial time.
Random Commercial Thought: At what point in time does anyone need a customized hot
rod Bus?
Back to the show where I have potato chips and you don‘t. Footage airs of Viscera annihilating Trish.
Viscera gets back his full fledged, creepy intro, complete with cape. He says last night he proved just how physical he can
be.......and he proved his hunger for love? THE FUCK?! He turns to Lillian....hand off my bitch man! He says he’s a
big man and likes to eat spicy food...like Spicy Latinas and he wants to go South of the Border tonight. Simon Dean makes
the scene. Huzzah!
He says women don’t want fat slobs like Viscera or David Wells. Heh. They want Greek gods
like him. Simon accuses Vis of causing solar eclipses. He says that instead of having a match tonight he’ll give
Viscera a life time supply of the Simon System...because that’s how long it will take him to get in shape.
"Mac
Daddy" Viscera AKA Count Chockula(Sean already took Blackula) vs. Simon Dean
Viscera attacks and chokes Dean out.
Dean baseball slide out of an Irish Whip and attacks with some punches, but Viscera just scoop slams him and ties him up in
the Tree of Woe for a crushing ram in the corner. Viscera goes for the elbow and misses allowing Simon to pick up a two count.
Simon goes up top and comes off straight into a slamming shot from Viscera then eats the big splash for the three count.
Winner: Viscera
Special Match "Fact": The late
Chris Candido did Simon Dean’s gimmick long before him as Skip, part of the Bodydonnas (thanks to Harry Simon for helping
me remember the names).
Why are they pushing this loser? Viscera stalks Lillian at ringside and he says he just wants
her and every woman in the world to know that Big Vis is back in the market....the "black" market before he literally dry
humps her and leaves. I need to wash my eyes now.
King and JR run down what has happened in the Gold Rush tourney so
far and tell us there are three more matches to go as we go to a Diva commercial. Why is life as a wrestling fan so scary
these days?
Random Commercial Thought: The reports are in and critics agree. Triple H sucks ass as an actor.
Back
to the show where the REAL star of Blade Trinity (just ask WWE), Triple H, can be found. Backstage some random Diva and Stacy
are looking at Stacy’s new modeling mag and Eric looks at it with them. He walks to his office and discovers Triple
H waiting there. Triple H is pissed because he’s not champ and he might not be number one contender now. He brings up
the spot where he KILLED Batista with the Pedigree. Triple H demands the rematch and says Eric owes it to him. Eric says Hunter
is lucky he’s even in the tournament, and until Hunter wins they are going to do things the Bischoff Way (insert joke
about Eric’s wife here). Triple H throws one more little tantrum and leaves us to one of the Divas (Maria?). She’s
interviewing Shelton.
Shelton is in the Gold Rush match and working it with the girl when Jericho makes the scene.
Jericho says he respects Shelton for being nobody’s bitch. Shelton says that means something to him. Jericho is in the
tourney too. They talk of "how peculiar" it would be to face each other tonight. Jericho says he hasn’t had a one on
one title shot in three years and this may be his last shot. Shelton says he respects that and wishes him luck.
Chris
Candido memorial photograph shows before the commercial. His spirit lives on in Simon Dean.
Random Commercial
Thought: I dunno. I was taking a piss. Lay off me.
Back to the show where they replay the results of Christian
vs. Kane.
Shelton is ready for his gold Rush match. No heat here as everyone knows Shelton won’t make it all
the way through the tourney. Enter HBK to a big pop. JR does a good job of putting over how Shelton and Michaels have never
wrestled.
Shelton doesn’t look impressed with Shawn’s pre-match antics.
Shawn Michaels vs. Intercontinental
Champion Shelton Benjamin (Gold Rush Tournament Match)
The men tie up and Michaels goes for a waist lock take down,
but Benjamin easily out wrestles him into a hammerlock forcing Michaels to go for the ropes. The crowd chants for Michaels
while the tie up again.
Shelton gets the waist lock this time, but Michaels reverses into a hammerlock that Shelton
reverses into the same, but Michaels reverses back. Shelton continues to outwrestle him to the mat and forces Michaels to
get the ropes again.
Michaels hits a nice side headlock take over and holds through but Benjamin fights up with rights
to the kidneys. Michaels take the champion down with a shoulderblock and Shelton hits him with several arm drag take downs
forcing Michaels to go recover in his corner. JR and King continue to praise Michaels while Benjamin hits his own side headlock
take down.
Michaels works up into his own side headlock and hits a shoulderblock into a unique body scissor roll up.
Benjamin escapes at two and Shawn hits some knife edge when Benjamin hits a huge clothesline to send both men over the top.
Benjamin channels the matrix and lands on his feet while Michaels crashes in the floor as we go to commercial.
Random
Commercial Thought: I think the guy at Taco Bell puts things in my food when I’m not looking.
Back to the
show, Michaels hits a back suplex off the top on Benjamin before doing his "crucified on the mat" pose. Camera goes backstage
to Batista watching the match. The two men wail on each other when Benjamin hits a big Samoan drop on Michaels. Michaels and
Benjamin go back to wailing on each other as Benjamin fights through and hits several clotheslines into an inverted backbreaker
to wake the crowd up and pick up a two count.
Michaels chops Benjamin out and hits the flying forearm and nips up
after the standing ten count, but Benjamin nips up too and hits a sunset flip for two. Michaels counter the roll, but Benjamin
counter as well when Michaels escapes and take shim down. Shawn puts Shelton in the corner for some chops but ends up getting
sent to the opposing corner for a stinger splash. Michaels hits a backbody drop on Benjamin and tries dome Sweet Chin Music
when Benjamin ducks and connects with the Dragon Whip for a long two.
Benjamin puts Michaels up top (you idiot!) and
gets knocked down for Michaels to hit the elbow. Michaels spasm around the ring bleeding from the mouth and tunes up the band.
Benjamin catches the kick and delivers a huge round kick for another unbelievable two count. Benjamin goes Spiderman and leaps
straight to the top turnbuckle into a flying bulldog for two again. Benjamin springboard form the apron off the top rope at
Shawn again and eats the surprise Sweet Chin Music for the loss.
Winner: Shawn Michaels
Special Match
"Fact": The Superkick was also Benjamin’s finisher on the Smackdown video games before he came up with the T-Bone.
Benjamin
sells like he’s been shot while Shawn sells like it’s the hardest match he’s ever had and congratulates
Benjamin on the ground.
We go backstage to Edge. Todd and Edge kill the suspense by revealing Edge as a Tournament
contender despite already having a contract. Edge says he wants two title matches because not even Batista will survive two
matches. Todd brings up the fact that if Edge goes to Smackdown his contract will be useless. Edge gets pissed and leaves
when he runs into Victoria and Lita. They stare at him and he asks them what they are looking at. Victoria replies with "Absolutely
nothing." as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I didn’t know women were allowed to shirk
housework yet. What’s next? Letting them vote? (Just kidding, please don’t send me hate mail).
Back to
the show. Footage airs of Regal and Tajiri losing their titles in the Tag Team Turmoil match. Hurricane and Rosey hit the
ring to defend their straps. Funny crowd sign calls them "Super champs." La Resistance come out next to get us started.
World
Tag Team Champions Hurricane & Rosey vs. La Resistance (World Tag Team Title Match)
Rosey starts us off with
Conway and slings him around easily. Conway takes to wailing on Rosey, but the big man avoids a sunset flip attempt to simply
sit on Conway. The ref gets distracted so La Resistance to send Rosey to the outside and slam his head into the turnbuckle.
Hurricane tries to help when he gets crushed as well. They roll Rosey back in for a two count.
Grenier tags out and
Conway takes over with the mounted punching before tagging Grenier back in. King calls Rosey a walrus as Conway and Grenier
continue the double teaming and hit a tandem move for two. Rosey fights out of the corner and rolls under a clothesline attempt
by Grenier to tag in Hurricane who hits a neck breaker on Grenier but eats a reverse elbow from Conway.
Conway goes
up top, but Hurricane catches him in the gut and hits a Hurricanrana for two. Grenier makes the break and Hurricane ends up
sending Conway over the top rope holding his leg and hit a double team version of the Eye of the Hurricane move.
Winners:
Hurricane and Rosey
Special Match "Fact": The Eye of the Hurricane was Hurricane’s finisher until
he switched to using the Chokeslam as a cruiserweight on Smackdown.
Smackdown! Rebound: This Rebound brought
to you through Drug O’ Vision a product of Eddie Guererro industries.
Commercial Time.
Random Commercial
Thought: I wish i could play Unreal Tournament online, but I’m enough of a geek as it is.
Back to the show
where we have to see several Diva search head shots. Edge is up for his match now.
Who will he face? Jericho? Triple
H? Matt Hardy?... yeah, you wish. It’s Jericho.
Edge vs. Chris Jericho (Gold Rush Tournament Match)
The
two men tie up and boy does Edge makes Jericho look like a midget or what? Jericho works the arm and pulls it into a hammerlock,
but Edge counter with a side headlock that Jericho counters into an overhead wristlock. Edge grabs the hair and slams Jericho
down.
Chris slaps Edge like the pimp he is and starts slamming Edge’s face into the turnbuckle by his hair. Jericho
hits a chop and gets whipped into the opposing corner where he jumps to the turnbuckles, but Edge pushes him over and causes
him to take a freaky bump to the floor where he works his wrist as if he strained it. Edge slams Jericho into the security
wall and slaps Jericho in the head while he’s on the ground before going for a two count.
We see Batista
watching the match again while Jericho fights out of a hold, but gets cut short by a shot to the face. Edge hangs Jericho
up on the middle rope and goes to do Jericho’s knee drop spot, but Jericho counter and floors him. Jericho recovers
and chops at Edge and hits the flying forearm. He misses a clothesline attempt, but does the drop toe hold instead into the
knee to the back spot Edge tried earlier.
Jericho hits a Hurricanrana for two and the Running Enziguiri for another
two thereafter. Jericho hits a headlock takedown for two again, but gets caught with a big boot out of an Irish whip. Edge
fetches the briefcase and gets on the apron where he gets caught by the Springboard drop kick and a flying cross body. Jericho
exposes the security wall and slams Edge‘s head into it, but the ref chooses to allow this.
Edge hits a sunset
flip on Jericho back in the ring for two before setting up for the spear while the "boring" chants starts. Jericho ducks the
spear and rolls up Edge into the Walls. Edge makes the ropes and slinks out of the ring where he catches Jericho in the face
with his briefcase while the ref is turned. Edge comes off the top with a missile dropkick and picks up the....two count?
Ok...
Edge hits a spear and gets three this time.
Winner: Edge
Special Match "Fact": Edge always
randomly carries a brick in his briefcase for special occasions.
Some shit booking there. Why eliminate Jericho already?
What purpose does Edge serve in this tournament at all? Next week Shawn Michaels will face Edge. Triple H’s match is
next as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: The Ultimate Double Whopper doesn’t stand a chance
against the Ultimate Cheeseburger from Jack in the Box. Hit it, Meaty Cheesy Boys!
*Meaty Cheesy Boys sing*
"Cheese,
meat, cheese, cheese, meat and that’s it. Baby, you know it’s hot and juicy."
Ok that joke was probably
just a little weird.
Back to the show where you can be guaranteed the Meaty Cheesy Boys are not in concert.
It’s
the Rock’s birthday in case you care. You know, that guy who is no longer under contract with WWE. JR claims to have
spoken to Rock and he can’t wait to get back to WWE.
Chris Master’s music plays. Clap you fools! Clap,
damn you! You know, I’m not sure if I’d want his money considering how it’s been in his underwear. Ew....
You
know the drill. He challenges a loser to escape the MASTERfull Nelson. He says not even a woman can escape the hold (I guess
he really did try it out on Edge’s ex, oh wait he meant last night). Chris says he’s upped the offer to four thousand
dollars and a red sox, Kurt Schilling jersey and an autographed Tom Brady football. Chris calls out "tubby, in the Backlash
shirt."
Masterlock Challenge: James AKA "Tubby"
Chris sits James in the chair gives the ref some cash
before putting the MASTERfull Nelson on. Tubby passes out and the ref calls for the bell, but Chris hold the move on a little
longer before letting the move off and taunting a bit.
Winner: Chris Masters
Backstage, triple H and Flair
are on their way to the ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: You Can’t See Me is NOT
the modern day White Album, that’s for damn sure.
Time for the final Gold Rush match tonight. Triple H of course
comes out first as we await the (only other guy on Raw left) mystery opponent. It’s (DUH) Chris Benoit.
Triple
H w/ Ric Flair vs. Chris Benoit (Gold Rush Tournament Match)
They tie up and Benoit slams Hunter into the corner
to crumple him with a heavy chop to the chest. Benoit lock on a side headlock and hits a big shoulderblock, but Hunter hits
a kick to the gut and attempts the Pedigree. Chris counters into a Crossface, but Triple H hits a reverse elbow to escape.
Hunter gets tripped into a Sharpshooter attempt but grabs the ropes. Benoit pulls him from the ropes and slams him to the
mat where he hits a snap suplex and attempts the Crossface again. Triple H runs from the ring. Triple H crushes Benoit in
the ring and sends him rolling outside where he stares blankly and wide-eyed at the sky. JR goes into semi-Owen Hart mode
as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m kinda tired of the "Fair Enough" commercials now.
they were amusing at first, but now their just sort of annoying.
Back to the match where Benoit is being manhandled
by Triple H. Hunter "hits" (misses completely) a clothesline to the back of the head and picks up a two count. Triple H slams
Benoit to the mat and picks up another two count. They continue to put over the possible concussion of Benoit saying paramedics
saw to him during the break to decide the match could keep going. JR and King want the match stopped apparently.
Benoit
fights back with some huge chops, but Hunter reverses into a sleeper hold. Benoit causes The Game to slam his own head into
the turnbuckle and escapes the sleeper hold.
Viking Hunter tries his sleeper hold of doom again, but Benoit escapes
and sends Hunter down to the mat before recovering and hitting a German. When attempting a second German, Triple H counter
with a reverse elbow and goes for the Pedigree that Benoit reverse into two Germans. All three Germans "Heil Hitler" as Benoit
goes up top and hits the Flying Headbutt apparently knocking himself out and barely covering for two.
Hunter staggers
up and forgets to sell anything that’s just happened, when he charges Benoit. Benoit trips him up and locks on the Sharpshooter.
Benoit attacks Flair and the ref gets between them when Hunter comes from behind and slams Benoit into the ref knocking the
ref out cold allowing Flair to tackle Benoit.
The double teaming continues when Batista makes the scene and clotheslines
Flair a few times. Triple H tries the Pedigree, but Batista reverses into the spine buster before telling Benoit to get up
and fight. both men finally make it back up. Benoit locks the Sharpshooter on Triple H in the center of the ring while both
me and Batista scream, "TAP! TAP YOU SON OF A BITCH!" (ok that second part was just me). Triple H reaches for the rope but
the ref has his back to the rope as Batista pulls it away and Benoit drags Hunter back to the center of the ring where he
finally TAPS!
Winner: Chris Benoit
Special Match "Fact": Viking Hunter uses sledgehammers because
of his wish to be like the mighty Thor.
Huzzah! Viking Gods of Thunder be damned! Post match, Batista taunts Triple
H by tapping as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: It’s a tough call, but I’ll be
going with the off the charts HBK/Shelton match. I’d love to see another one between them again. The finish was a shocker
and considering the crowd’s opinion the right man went over.
Lowlight o the Night: Viscera. Not so much
his match as just him. Seriously. I don’t need the reincarnation of Mark Henry on my Television.
I am Sir Pimps-a-lot
Who is
this Molly Holly you speak of? Richard tells you why you shouldn’t care over in the One Man Conchairto.
Everybody Loves Hunter (at least in his mind). James Walker unveils the latest
Network TV hit in White Vans and Candy.
Brad let’s his opinion be known (loudly) in Here Comes the Payne.
Smackdown is always better with the good Doctor on call. Now only if he was
sober enough to understand what was going on in the Smackdown Report.
An all steel PPV is stupid. Just ask anyone (except Dusty). Harry Simon reviews
TNA: Lockdown, and the first of Chris Candido’s appearances from beyond the grave on TNA Impact.
Bacon wrote a column (or at least he tried). You can read it if you have a high
pain threshold in Bringing Home the Bacon.
Double M look at the life and times of Chris Candido in Double Impact.
Lastly go read the funniest PPV rant your pathetic life will ever see as Sean
gives his review of WWE Backlash.
This is Cameron signing off.
WWE RAW RANT: (05/09/05) By Cameron Burge
Welcome. This is Cameron, your guide to
the world of wrestling. Hop on my bus and let’s take a ride. Tonight we’ve got an interesting show. Triple H has
been eliminated form the Gold Rush tournament, and unless they swerve us somehow he’s out of the title picture for a
while. This leaves us with Kane, Benoit, Edge and Shawn Michaels. Who will be the new number one contender? Let’s find
out.
Raw 5.09.05
Show opens with the Gold Rush recap. Of course the footage
from Michaels’ and Benjamin’s match is the coolest, but Triple H tapping out is probably the most emotionally
powerful.
Viking Hunter opens the show officially for us in his suit which he immediately loosens the tie on for no
reason. You know because apparently losing all of your matches warrants you the opener. I’d like to know why we have
to always call him the "Former" World Heavyweight Champion. We don’t call anyone else that when they come to the ring.
Dumb Crowd Sign: "Batista Rocks, Triple H sucks."
There’s a "You tapped out" chant that tries to start, and Triple
H gets in the face of some Jeff Foxworthy looking dude who doesn’t back down at all and just trash talks him. Even the
little boy doesn’t back down from his menacing glare. That’s funny. He can’t even scare little children?
Michael Jackson can even do that.
Triple H gets back in the ring and says his loss doesn’t matter. He goes on
to talk about how the tournament is bogus and should be champion anyway. You know the drill here. "I’m great! blah blah
blah. Everyone else sucks! Yadda yadda yadda."
Batista eventually interrupts in an all white pimp suit. Man, I love
this guy’s outfits. JR has a funny line here: "He said he wanted to talk to the champion, well now he doesn’t
have to shout."
It amazes me that Batista is still over with the crowd right now. Looks like the IWC may have been
proven wrong about DAVE. Batista jokes about being afraid of Triple H and facing his fears. He asks Triple H to show him what
there is to be afraid of. Fun Rock-esque bit of promo here, but not trying to imitate Rock. He plays the crowd with the "You
tapped" chants and mocks Triple H for losing twice and not even making it through the first round of the tournament. He tells
Hunter that he might just not be good enough to face him again.
Hunter strips his jacket and tie and just gets a cocky
smile. Funny Crowd sign: "You tapped out......AGAIN." Hunter says that the title Batista has means nothing until he goes through
him. He calls Batista’s wins flukes and claims that he still hasn’t "Gone through him." Triple H says Batista
needs him because everyone is compared to him. Triple H says he defines who everyone is and who they become (this is literal
of course thanks to a bit of politicking).
Triple H says it’s never gone be "screw me" it will always be "screw
you" (of course the exceptions is with Steph). Hunter threatens to leave the company and to go sit on the coach in his mansion
to watch Batista fail on TV "just liek everyone else. He says then everyone will come crawling back to him. Damn. It’s
hard to tell where the kayfabe ends in this one. Hunter gets mad and says he’s going to follow through on his promise
with a big "Screw you."
Batista accuses Trips of being a whiny kid who wants to take his ball and go home. DAVE wants
to be the first to say "don’t let the door hit you on the way out" and calls Hunter a slow loser. Batista says Triple
H is screwed and waves bye-bye as Hunter sulks to the back. King keeps begging for Hunter to not go, claiming that we can’t
have Raw without Triple H......Just watch us.
JR pimps the Gold Rush semifinals as we go to commercials.
Random
Commercial Thought: Raw Diva Search....must...find....gun.....
Back to the show where hunter is throwing a tantrum
in the parking lot with Flair. Flair calls him "Franchise" several times (I thought that was Shane Douglas). Triple h tells
Ric to get in the car, but he won’t leave and Hunter leaves without him.
Hassan and Daivari come out. Daivari’s
got his sparkly, gold ring gear on and his is walking with his head down behind Hassan. Footage rolls of the trifecta, pride
obliterating bitch slap last week. King starts to rally for Hassan a bit as Daivari takes the might. Daivari drops his accent
completely and talks in plain English to apologize to Hassan for letting him down.
Daivari says he isn’t worthy
of being Hassan’s friend. Daivari says to make up for it he’s challenging any superstar to a match because he
beat Michaels in his first match. He continues to rant and slips into Arabic halfway through which is really funny. Chris
Jericho answers the call.
This might be an interesting bout.
Khosrow Daivari w/ Muhammad Hassan vs. Chris Jericho
Daivari
jumps Jericho early with several punches, but Jericho fights through and hits a shoulderblock and some chops in the corner
until he misses a tackle attempt and hits the ring post. Daivari drags Jericho out of the corner and slings his shoulder into
the ring post again before working on the arm with some arm drags and a pin for one.
Has uses a standing Arms bar,
but Jericho gets out with knife edge chops that Daivari counter into an Arm bar takedown. Jericho hits Daivari
coming off a top rope maneuver and follows up with a clothesline. Jericho slams Daivari by the hair to the mat and hangs him
up on the ropes where Daivari begs for Hassan.
Jericho attempts the walls, but Daivari grabs the ropes. Jericho slams
Daivari to the mat and goes up top only to have Daivari run at him and rack him on the top. Daivari attempts a moonsault and
Jericho catches him right into the Walls for the win.
Winner: Chris Jericho
Special Match "Fact":
Hulk Hogan was pissed at Daivari over their Backlash match for being too small.
Post match Hassan and Daivari double
Team Jericho and put him in a camel clutch. Shelton Benjamin makes the save and the Arab-Americans retreat up the ramp as
we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I want either Tobacco flavored ice cream or ice cream flavored
cigarettes. I don’t really care which.
Christy is backstage flaunting her giant ass tits to Eric and wondering
if she is subject to the draft. Eric says he hopes she gets drafted for disrespecting him and hopes the new Raw Diva Search
winner will be more respectful. La Resistance runs her off and demands a title match. When Eric refuses to give them one they
begin to feud with each other. Conway claims to have been carrying Grenier ever since they teamed up (that’s true...).
Eric gives them both a singles match for tonight in which they won’t know who their opponents are.
Elsewhere
Flair is talking to Trips on the phone and trying to talk him back when Christian shows up. Christian asks what got him down
and says without Triple H "Who’s going to spit water all over their self tonight?"
AHAHAHAAA!
Christian
tells Flair that if he needs to suck up to someone he can always suck up to him. Flair gets pissed and Challenges Christian
to a match as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: The ECW PPV commercial is low budget as hell.
Glad to know WWE cares about it.
Back to the show. Flashback plays for WWE 24/7 of Lawler winning the AWA title from
Curt Hennig.
La Resistance comes out with flags waving. Sylvan Grenier is wrestling first. His opponent is Viscera.
Count Chockulah waddles down the ramp so we can get this started. Conway thinks it’s funny.
Sylvan Grenier vs.
Viscera
Conway leaves Grenier alone as the match starts and Viscera crushes Grenier in the corner with some chops.
Sylvan tries a side headlock and gets tossed across the ring for his troubles. Grenier tries a shoulderblock and just bounces
off. Viscera hits a huge tilt-a-whirl side slam. Viscera MOUNTS Grenier from behind with a rear naked choke then literally
humps him. No joke.
Big Vis goes for the splash, but misses. Grenier hits a huge Missile drop kick for two. Viscera
hits his own dropkick and crushes Grenier with a sit-down power bomb for two.
Winner: Viscera
Special
Match "Fact": As RD Reynolds pointed out over the weekend. Viscera was once a member of Men on a Mission. Otherwise known
as MOM.
Post match Viscera goes to a "fan" at ringside and asks for one of his nachos. The guy says he can have one
and Viscera takes the whole thing and chows down on them as he goes to Lillian. He tells her the nachos taste almost as good
as she does and asks her to announce the winner again. She does and he tells her that when she says his name it turns him
on. He feeds her a nacho from his mouth and makes her eat it before telling her she’s gonna love the main course and
leaving.
Backstage Lita is happy that Viscera has a new victim. Kane tells her he’s been thinking about them.
He says it’s been nine months since they got married and on that night she told him to rot in hell. He says that Trish
Stratus is gone and soon he’ll be World Champion. She gets all whorish on him (not really stretching her acting muscles
there). Kane says he always gets what he wants and Lita agrees that she does too. Uh...that was weird.
JR and King
say Kane’s match is next as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Really, I can’t find
any good reason to go see Unleashed.
Back to the show. Kane makes his way out with the biggest whore in wrestling today
(this claim subject to change). Benoit is his opponent.
Benoit looks tired and scared.
Chris Benoit vs. Kane/
Lita (Gold Rush Semi-final)
They tie up and Benoit gets pushed against the ropes and into the turnbuckles. Benoit chops
Kane out of the corner and turns the tables. Benoit goes for the rear waist lock, but Kane fights out with reverse elbows
and gets two off a scoop slam. Kane tries a big boot in the corner, but Benoit ducks making him tie his foot up in the corner
to get caught by a surprising leg sweep.
Benoit tries the sharpshooter and Kane powers out. We see Batista watching
the match in the back. Kane absorbs some chops and chucks Benoit to a corner to hit him with a side slam on the rebound for
two. Kane hits a big clothesline in the corner on Benoit and an uppercut, but Benoit gets his foot on the rope for the pin.
Kane continues to level Benoit with rights and puts the Crippler in a neck vice.
Benoit forces his way up with elbow
to the gut and scores a two count off a sunset flip. Kane counter with his own move to pick up two as well. Kane tries the
neck vice again, but Benoit again fights up with elbows to the gut. Kane hits a right to the face and sends him to the
corner, but Benoit counter with a reverse elbow. Kane hits a sledgehammer blow to crumple Benoit for another two.
Benoit
goes down to another stiff shot, and Kane goes up top. Kane comes off the top and Benoit counter with a beautiful drop kick
to begin a standing ten count.
Both men get up and Benoit hits Kane with five consecutive German Suplexes. Benoit signals
for the Headbutt, but Kane sits up so he hits a running baseball slide dropkick to knock him back down. Benoit goes up again
and hits the headbutt for two.
Benoit tries the sharpshooter, but can't get it and hits a huge enziguiri instead,
then sends Kane to the outside with a baseball slide. Lita tries to help Kane and gets knocked down when Benoit attacks him.
Benoit goes to check on her and eats a sneak attack from behind. Kane grabs Benoit by the throat inside and Benoit tries
to reverse into the Crossface, but eats another shot to the back of the head to prevent it followed by a chokeslam for three.
Winner:
Kane
Special Match "Fact": WWE telegraphed the winner of this match by only showing Kane in a backstage segment.
JR
and King send us to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I thought about buying the Wrestlemania 21 DVD set,
but then I remembered that I thought Wrestlemania 21 sucked. I’d rather just have the Ladder Match.
Back
to the show. Footage shows of Christian rapping on Hunter and Flair at Backlash.
Speaking of Flair it’s time
he tangled with Christian. Man, Flairs got old fat woman tits now. Christian comes out and says that Flair has become a problem
so he’s got to beat Tomko first. The Crowd is pissed.
Tyson Tomko w/ Christian vs. Ric Flair
Flair chops
Tomko all over the ring and gets rolled across the ring. Flair runs at Tomko only to completely mess up a spot where he gets
clotheslined by falling too early. Tomko scoop slams him and chokes Flair in the corner. Flair chops Tyson down form the corner
and locks on the figure four. Tomko grabs the ref and Christian gets in the ring to beat on Flair and make him release the
hold. Christian doesn’t escape from the ring in time and the ref catches him. The ref ejects Captain Charisma and while
his back is turned Flair low blows Tomko rolls him up for three.
Winner: Ric Flair
Special Match "Fact":
Tyson Tomko hasn’t solved a problem since he beat up a cross dressing Stevie Richards.
Commercial time.
Random
Commercial Thought: Actually most people don’t realize an I Quit match (like the one for JBL/Cena) doesn’t
necessarily mean a submission match. The guy just has to be beaten enough to quit. At least that’s how I always learned
it went.
Back to the show. They run some more pictures for the Diva Search contestants. JR recaps the Batista/Triple
H incident from earlier before they run the footage. Stacey makes her way out for no apparent reason. That one gay interviewer
sounds like he’d rather be jacking himself off (Frankly, so would I rather than listen to this crap). He talks to her
about being on the cover of Stuff Magazine. I’ve never heard of it. They look at some pictures and it basically all
leads to her getting in her underwear. Todd(oh yeah that’s his name) has to help her get the skirt off. Man he’s
such a loser.
Simon Dean and Maven interrupt her striptease. Maven slaps Todd right out of the ring and Dean says that
Stacy is wasting her time because the people she’s trying to please are still going to be disgusting out of shape losers
at the end of the night. What they really need is the Simon System. Maven asks Simon to whip up a shake.
Maven gives
Stacy a once over to tell her what she needs to work on. Maven tells her to drink the shake and she spills it on the ground
and Dean gets pissed. He tells her to pick it up. They twist her arms and Hurricane makes the scene with Rosey to run them
off. Stacey hugs Hurricane and raises the Tag Champions hands before they carry her on their shoulders.
We go backstage
to Eric and Coach. Coach says he wanted to compliment Eric for a great show tonight. He says the ECW commercial was fantastic.
Eric gets pissed about the ECW PPV. He says he doesn’t want to hear about it or get any money from it. Eric says he’s
going to call his attorney and squash ECW again as we go to commercial And here we thought ECW One Night Stand would stay
separate from the rest of the WWE stuff).
Random Commercial Thought: Mind Hunter looks decent. A bit of the
same theme The Thing had to it.
Back to the show where Robert Conway is in the ring. He’ll be facing Shelton
Benjamin.
Robert Conway vs. Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin (Non-title Match)
Conway jumps him and
slams Benjamin to the ground. He crashes Benjamin to the match with a clothesline and continues to stomp on him. Conway goes
for a cover. He picks up two and sends Shelton to the corner to hit a big charging elbow and a suplex for two sets of
two. Robert sues a neck vice that Benjamin powers out of with rights. Conway reverses an Irish whip but Shelton rebound with
a flying clothesline picks up a two count. Robert attacks with some elbow and racks Benjamin’s midsection on the top
rope.
Conway tries to take Benjamin off the apron and runs right into a big round kick to the face. Conway turns around
dazed and Benjamin hits the springboard bulldog for three (It looks like he botched it and made Conway land on his arm).
Winner:
Shelton Benjamin
Special Match "Fact": Shelton Benjamin is the longest reigning IC Champion since Randy Orton
who in turn was the longest reigning IC champion since The Rock.
Hassan and Daivari jump Shelton on the ramp and Shelton
tries to take Daivari out, but Shelton gets beaten down by Hassan form behind and choked out by some cloth.
We see
some footage of Edge warming up as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Warioware Twisted is just
a bit too goofy for my tastes.
Back to the show. We have to watch the Raw debut of John Cena’s "Bad Bad Man"
video. I didn’t catch it all because I got something to drink. I did notice however that Cena has the word "fuck" edited
out. I wonder if he let that one into his album that is "for kids" as so many IWC guys call his raps. I’m also surprised
WWE let them shoot people and put Disintegration in the video.
Maria interviews Shawn Michaels and calls him Edge.
He calls her on it and says Edge could win the match. Really, I didn’t follow this one too well. We go to commercial.
Random
Commercial Thought: I’m really sick of this Starburst Commercial too. I hated it the first time I thought. I often
find myself changing channels just to avoid it.
Back to the show: I’ll never waste my time on a treadmill again....since
I’ve never wasted my time on one to begin with. Now where did I put my cheese curls?
Back to the show. Footage
plays of Michaels’ Sweet Chin Music last week. JR and King tell us next week Jericho and Benjamin will team against
Hassan and Daivari and Flair will take on Christian.
Edge shows up first followed by Michaels and we take another
Commercial Break.
Random Commercial Thought: I can never find the remote either, but I don’t use a tape
measurer, I just keep a long stick by the couch.
Back to the show where the match has already started.
Edge
vs. Shawn Michaels (Gold Rush Semi-Final)
Edge takes Michaels down and goes for the Edge-u-cator, but Michaels catapults
him over the ropes. Michaels hits a springboard corkscrewing cross body from the apron.
Edge catches Michaels out
of an Irish whip maneuver and looks to go for a spine but instead turns and drops him neck first on the top rope. Edge continues
to keep the pressure on and the ref has to check on Michaels. Edge puts Michaels in a Sleeper hold and switches it to a rear
naked Choke. Michaels breaks free and eats a big boot for his troubles. Edge picks up a two count and gets pissed.
Edge
headbutts Michaels Shawn fights back with a right, but Edge thumbs him in the eyes. Edge takes Michaels down for another two
and locks on another sleeper hold. Michaels fights up and Edge slams him down by the hair. Edge goes up top, but HBK racks
him on the top rope. HBK meets him up top, but Edge knocks him down with some stiff shots to the nose. Edge attempts the flying
Sledge hammer, but Michaels kicks him in the gut and hits a knee lift to start a standing ten count. Michaels hits some chops
and the flying forearm into the nip up and the inverted atomic drop.
HBK continues the assault with rights and a back
body drop. He hits a scoop slam and goes up top to hit the elbow drop. Michaels goes to the corner and tunes up the band.
Edge ducks the sweet chin music and lifts Michaels into the Electric Chair, but Michaels counter into the Victory roll for
two. Edge whips Michaels into the corner hard enough to flip him upside down and picks up two of his own.
Edge sets
Shawn in the corner and Michaels sends him flying to the corner where he almost crushes the ref, but stop himself. Edge has
to ducks a flying clothesline by Michaels that hits the ref instead and Edge scores an Edge-u-cution DDT then sets up for
the spear. Edge comes in with the spear and Michaels hits Sweet Chin Music instead, but there’s no ref. Edge grabs the
briefcase while Michaels tries to revive the ref.
Edge misses with the briefcase and ends up trying to throw Michaels
over the top rope. Michaels hangs on and tries for a sunset flip but while he’s trying to pull Edge down he gets smashed
in the head with the briefcase for the three count.
Winner: Edge
Special Match "Fact": Edge keeps
his kazoo in his briefcase as well as a fragment from his King of the Ring trophy.
Edge celebrates his win as the show
goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Tonight’s Main Event was probably the best match on the card,
but really it was a pretty even night all throughout. Not a very great ending to the match, but definitely kept Edge’s
heel persona alive.
Lowlight of the Night: Tomko and Flair stunk the ring up something awful. It wasn’t
even all Tomko’s fault this time. Flair just literally wasn’t doing that great.
No pimps this week unfortunately.
I didn’t have time to do them. Head over to the Main page and check everything out.
WWE RAW RANT: (05/16/05) By James Walker
Hey kids… Cameron can’t come to the phone right now, so
leave your name and number at the beep and James will do the Raw Recap. That’s right folks, back up is here! Batten
down the hatches, lock the children away, and pray to the lord himself, because tonight, I’m your saviour! … (Jesus
Christ, can I get any more egotistical?)
Anywho, on tap for tonight… We got us Flair VS Christian, Those
Damn Dirty Arabs VS Ain’t No Stopping Jericho & Shelton, and
the finals of the gold Rush, which will see Kane VS Matt Hardy’s favourite wrestler, Edge. And no Triple H!
I’ve done raw before, and Smackdown, and both have been miserable…
so let’s hope the 3rd time is a charm. Let’s get it on!
Ayyyyyaaalllieeeaaahhhaaaaa!
Men on a Magic Carpet VS The World’s 43rd Greatest
Tag Team
Ok… so, are we forgetting that Daivari got bitch slapped by Hassan
a few weeks back? Or was this just done to establish the fact that Hassan is the abusive, alcoholic, and angry husband in
their relationship? Either way, the cute couple are wearing matching colours tonight. Shelton
gets a bigger pop than I expected, but Jericho’s is
still bigger. Normally, the black man has the bigger pop, but Jericho IS a HUGE rock star. Ifyaknowhatimean.
Okay, match starts off with both teams dukin’ it out, when Daivari
& Hassan end up in the corner. Jericho assists Shelton
with a stinger splash, and then the heels get clotheslined out of the ring. Stereo planchas... as this would be a perfect
opportunity for a commercial break, but the show is only 5 minutes in. Jericho
gets some love from the crowd... al be it, he had to ask a fan to give him five. Sad, really.
Anywho, Jericho
rolls Daivari in, and the match is officially starting now. Hey, look at that, JR recognizes that Daivari has a first name…
and actually pronounces it correctly! I guess it took him this long to get it right. Jericho
dominates The Littlest Arab, and tags in Benji. Benji follows suit, until getting hit with a Jawbreaker. (JR… why the
hell did you call it ‘a jawjacker like move'? You’ve been calling that move for decades. Bloody hell.) Hassan
in, and he tries to dominate his friendly neighbour hood negro, but Shelton
explodes out of a whip to the corner and unloads with some big rights. King mentions this Team of Benji & Jericho is ironic,
because Shelton won the IC title off him in October…
or what about the fact that they were feuding for a month and Benji retained the title at your last Pay-Per-View? Gah. Benji
tries to get him some Daivari (Well, I would too… the little fella is pretty cute), which ends up with Hassan with the
advantage. Hassan lands a back suplex into a backbreaker, which both men did a sloppy job of performing. Whoa, holy shit,
a ‘Let’s go Shelton!’ chant!.. Could he
possibly be getting over? Daivari in, and applies a surfboard rest hold. Shelton powers out,
whips Daivari in the ropes, tries for a tilt a whirl slam, but Daivari flips over, poses, so Shelton knocks him on his ass. Heh. Hassan gets the tag, and knocks Jericho off the apron, resulting in a flustered Chris, which allows a Double suplex by Aladdin
& Co. Another surfboard hold and I start to question why these men have an
infatuation with this mode of transportation… there are no oceans in Michigan
and certainly not in… umm... Arabia. Yup. It’s as real as Korea.
Shelton gets in a short arm Samoan drop, and Jericho
gets the hot tag. Mr. Irvine knocks Hassan down, does a Spike Dudley-esque back stomp, and knocks Hassan down again. Daivari
charges, and... Umm... I think Jericho clipped him at the
knee, but it looked like it was botched horribly, so it looked like Daivari tripped on his own. Either way, the crowd liked
it, so I’ll ignore it ever happened. … Except when writing the show report. Jericho
lands a Top Rope Cross body (Don’t see him do that too often) for a two, when Daivari stops the count. Benji takes himself
and Daivari out of the ring, as Jericho gets Muhammed in the
Walls. Daivari tries to come back in, but Jericho lets got
of the hold and springboard drop kicks the little rascal back outside. Jericho
then walks into a quick WMDDT (Which Jericho sold kinda poorly) for the 3 count.
Winners: Double, Double, Toil and Trouble. Twin towers crash, and these
Arabs caused the rubble.
Post match, Jericho gets grumbly and
storms up the ramp, frustrated with himself... as Shelton
looks on, thinking “Whatchu talkin’ bout, Chris?”
Show thoughts: Nice little opener. The selling was a little off (Jericho recovered WAY too quickly after the WMDDT) but for the 5 or
6 minutes they got, did about as well as expected. Oh, and I still hate JR& King. Oh well.
The ECW promo airs… and I’m reminded of the fact Bisch promised
to do something about ECW. Crap.
We’re back and we see Benoit talkin’ to Tajiri. Benoit mentions
Paul E. phoned him, wanting him in the One Night Stand show… and Tajiri says he did as well. Benoit then says tonight,
it should be Tajiri VS Benoit, ECW rules match… sounds good to me. Tajiri rambles in Japanese, but you can tell he’s
giddy about the idea. Regal walks in, and Tajiri explains to him what’s going on (still in Japanese) and Regal…
understands Japanese? Meh, whatever, Tajiri is hilarious here, begging for Regal to let him do the match. Regal gives him
his blessing, but all I’m thinking about is the fact Regal’s Brass Knux t-shirt says ‘Been Naughty?’…
Couple that with the image of a pain inflicting device and the S&M images involving Sir William aren’t pretty.
Speaking of T-Shirts, King has his own... and it’s the blandest
piece of trash I’ve ever seen. I hope no one buys it. Anywho, they discuss ECW briefly, until segueing into Triple H
(Wha?), and recap him leaving last week. … I sweat to god, if they show this every week until he comes back, I’m
going to … complain bitterly about it.
We then come back to Bisch talking to someone in his office, when Coach
runs in and tries to tell him about the ECW rules match with Benoit & Tajiri… but Bisch cuts him off saying he’s
in a meeting… with Ric Flair. Flair is wearing a Triple H t-shirt, and this man cannot be more of a bitch. Bisch says
Triple H can call him, not vice versa, as Flair storms out. Flair sees Batista down the hallway, and the crowd pops. Flair
says everything is Batista’s fault, to which Batista says it’s not his fault, it’s not Ric’s, it’s
Hunter’s. He also says it wasn’t Hunter that brought him in, it was Flair. (Hey, I like it! A memory!) Ric goes
to leave, but Batista stops him… saying he’s got something to show Ric. … It better not be ‘The Demon
of the Deep’… oh wait, it’s the world’s weakest, yet most hilarious ‘Woo’ ever heard.
Batista thinks he’s hot shit, and Flair shows him up… and Flair kinda looks like he wants to give the big fella
a hug. Flair says he’s got a match, And Batista watches him walk off... with a lovey-dovey stare in his eye. …
riiight. Commercial break, to let the homo-eroticism sink in.
Show thoughts: Benoit/Tajiri could be real good, but I doubt it’ll
get any time. Flair seems on tonight, and Batista is constantly proving the IWC wrong by remaining over.
Back from the break, as Flair makes his entrance. Christian follows,
and I have to say, his music has grown on me.. and holy crap, he has the sweetest entrance gear, ever. I can’t even
begin to describe the gigantic C on his chest showing off his mid-drift (or did I just do it?), but it’s great.
Ric Flair VS Christian (W/Smart like a Tomko Truck)
Flair gets knocked down by Christian, and the Captain mocks the strut…
and I giggle. Flair gets up, and slaps him... to which Christian knocks the fuck out Old Man Flair. Typical Flair backdrop
and I begin to question why EVERY wrestlers back drops Flair… I mean, I know the real reason, but… still takes
the few ounces of realism out of it, y’know? Flair in the corner, leg sweep by flair, and covers Xian with his feet
on the ropes, which the ref notices. Flair chops CC down, and heads up top… and it doesn’t take a genius to figure
out what happened next. Christian whips Flair into the corner and flair attempts the Flair flip, after a good two years of
not trying it on television, and shows us WHY he doesn’t do it anymore, as he can’t make it outside... so Christian
clotheslines him out. Outside, Tomko beats up Flair a little with the ref distracted, and Christian suplexes Flair back in
from the apron, which gets a 2 count. Again in the corner and Flair lands some more chops… Christian stumbles out, and
does the Flair flop! Heh. Knee drop, and he attempts a Figure-four, but Tomko punches Flair to ensure it doesn’t happen.
Christian with a roll-up while holding the ropes, and the ref stops the count. Christian argues, while flair counts the pin,
hooks the tights, and holds the ropes for the 3 count.
Winner: Ric Flair
Post Match, Tomko and Christian start to perform euthanasia (or in Flair’s
case, reallyfuckingoldanasia) to which BATISTA comes out for the save. Clothesline from Washington, Spinebuster, and 2 Demon
bombs later, Flair looks on kinda confused as Batista heads off, to which JR screams “Batista respects Flair!”
Sooo, an obvious angle set up here, but still, it’s good.
Backstage, Lita is talkin’ to Christy, whose tits are dangerously
close to her chin. Edge comes in, and Christy scatters off, and Edge has sex with Lita tells Lita to warn Kane that
the beating HBK got last week was nothing to what will happen tonight. Bank on it. … Bah, we all see the set up here...
god damn you, internet. Commercial!
Show thoughts: I wish Christian would have gone over in the match, but
it wasn’t clean, and it set up the Love Triangle of Flair/Batista/Hunter nicely, so I’ll accept it. Oh, and the
only way the Lita turn could be made any more obvious is if she Kisses Kane before their match (Walking Kiss of Death, remember?
That’s right, I do!)
Back, as Christian and Tomko walk the halls, pissed about what happened,
as Maria follows the pretty lights and asks them ‘After what just happened, are you hurt?’.. Ok, sue me, I like
the brainless backstage interviewer gimmick, at least it’s realistic. Christian tells her to screw off, and promises
this feud with Flair isn’t over. Good, let’s hope he can get a win.
MASTERLOCK CHALLENGE TIME!
Alright, all bad things about Masters aside, his entrance (and namely
music) is darn cool. Tonight, he has 6 grand and a 1 way ticket to anywhere in the US... “Because, anywhere in the United States
is better than Omaha, Nebraska”...
ok, I liked that one. It’s worth noting that Masters has a black eye tonight. Y’ok. Anywho, the challenge goes
on, with Masters abusing some kid. I start to wonder when this is going to go anywhere, when STEVIE RICHARDS RETURNS TO RAW
AND BEATS THE PISS OUT OF CHRIS MASTERS! Sweet Jesus, this is awesome. The crowd pops for Stevie, and he just wails away on
Masters. Stevie goes for the chair, but Masters takes a powder. Now… if they let Stevie win the rematch, I’ll
never speak ill of the WWE again.
Backstage, Edge is hyping himself up for the match or something, when
he turns around into a goozle. Kane goes on to say stuff, but all I look at is how Edge’s eyes are progressively bulging
more and more out of their sockets. Look at em go! WHEEE!
Show thoughts: Ok, I marked out for Stevie. And while I don’t
like the opponents for the Masterlock Challenge, Masters is more than passable on the mic. Oh, and I’m eating a fruit
roll up. Fuck these are good.
Chris Benoit VS Tajiri, ECW Rules
I was hoping they’d announce him as ‘Yoshahiro Tajiri’,
but you can’t win em all. King slags on ECW, and while the true ECW marks understand, the average viewer thinks to themselves
“Now... if King says it’s crappy… this TOTALLY makes me want to order it”… bah, whatever. There’s
a table set up outside, as is a trash can full of goodies. So, onward with the match!
Tie up, chops, and Tajiri is whipped into the corner… Tarantula.
Ok, this match is officially going to be short. The ref forces Tajiri out of it... despite the fact that this is an ECW RULES
match. Whatthehellever. Tajiri tries for a handspring back elbow, but benefit catches him in a full nelson, and the announcers
TOTALLY don’t mention that he just locked him in the Masterlock. Oh wait, that’s because it’s a fucking
full nelson. Gah. Benoit tries to land a Dragon suplex, but Tajiri lands on his feet, nice. Nice kick to Benoit’s sternum
and Benoit is sent out of the ring… and I start to realise all over again that Tajiri is heavily under used. Tajiri
attempts a baseball slide, but Benoit stops that, clubs him in the back, and lands a reverse powerbomb onto the Steel steps.
Benoit looks under the ring... and finds nothing. Silly Chris. He looks on the other side, and finds a Ladder… yay!
He tosses it in the ring, and Tajiri is still down from the ring step shot. Benoit tosses Tajiri on the table, and climbs
in the ring to set up the ladder. He starts to climb, and we’re all think “OMIGAWD SWANDIVE HEADBUTT FROM THE
TOP OF THE LADDER INSIDE ON TO A TABLE ON THE OUTSIDE!”, but Coach interrupts. Tajiri is selling that ring step shot
like he’s dead, by the way. Coach then introduces Bisch… who cancels the match.
Winner: No Contest
Bisch then goes to spout of stuff about squashing ECW, not sanctioning
this match, and banning ECW signs & chants from the arena. He then goes on to ban all Raw Superstars from the One Night
Stand show. He then goes on to say he’ll be at the One Night Stand (he must have said those three words a good 4 or times in this one minute promo…) show to rid the world of ECW once and for all.
Show Thoughts: Ok, I’m pissed. We had a potential show stealer
right there, and not only is it cut short, but now BISCHOFF is getting involved with the ECW PPV. Now… I know they’re
only trying to promote it, but I swear, if Bischoff is on that PPV, I give up. No way should he even come close to it. I hope
this only serves as a reason for ECW to invade Raw shortly before said Pay Per View, just for more publicity.
Back, and we’ve got a Lingerie Pillow Fight! *giggle*
Christy Hemme VS Candice Michelle
All you need to know about this match: If you can ejaculate within a
minute (I’m looking at you, Sean) this is perfect. Otherwise, forget it. Hemme wins with a roll up, but no one cares.
Winner: Your sperm count
Post match.. we get BIG VIS! He’s in a pimpin’ suit too…
Jeez, I wanna see Viscera VS Batista, in a coolest suit match.
Anywho, the girls run off.. except Lillian. Vis
then mentions that there is him, her, and a nice plush bed. But.. one thing is missing.. food. Suddenly, I’m reminded
of George trying to combine sex and smoked meats. Mabel grabs some cotton candy from a female fan... and locks lips with the
girl. He then tells Lillian that he bets she wants some of his candy. Not to mention he says that it melts just like him in
her sexy little mouth. … heh. Then Vis has another surprise for Lillian.. the fat man
is gonna serenade her. Oh fuck yes.
Vis proceeds to go Barry White style... and surprisingly well. The fans are eating this up.
Hell… I heard one guy try to start a boring chant, and another guy yell out “NO ITS NOT”. Seriously, Vis is playing this role so damn well, it’s great. Vis gives
Lillian his hotel room key.. Room 469… and Lillian falls off the bed in a comedic sight. Lillian leaves the ring, as
Vis just sits there, being the sexy beast he is.
Backstage with Lita, and Kane pacing back and forth. Lita doesn’t
want to be out there, because Edge freaked her out. Correction, Miss Dumas.. Edge got HIS freak ON with YOU. Anyways, Kane
says he’s big and tough like a lion, roar! Well, no, but I wish he did. Lita then makes out with Kane (who breathes
heavily, like the creepy bastard he is), and my prediction earlier came true. Damn I’m good.
Show thoughts: Vis is fucking great. He does this so much better than
Mark Henry ever did. Oh, and I could write these storylines with my eyes closed. Not that I would want to.. the writing would
be all messy then.
Back, as the show the recaps of the Gold Rush tournament. No matter
how many times I see it, that Superkick HBK gave Benji looks great.
We’re back stage with Chris Jericho, as Benji rolls up (it’s
a figure of speech, damn it.) Shelton says it was a fluke win, and it wasn’t meant to be. He asks if Jericho is okay.
Chris brushes it off, saying he has so much going on, like his radio show, the VH1 stuff, Fozzy garb, and losing a wrestling
match ain’t no thang. He gives Benji a copy of his CD, and we see even further evidence of a Jericho heel turn. Either
that or an explanation on to why he won’t resign a WWE contract.
Show thoughts: I hate the parts of the show without a match. Especially
when there’s only one segment. Bah. Anyways, good little skit, but not worthy of a commercial break.
We’re back with the Tag Team Champs… and they bring out
Stacy Keibler, looking even hotter than normal. God damn… I don’t care if you’ve gone down on David Flair
& Test; at least that gives ME a chance.
Dean & Maven make their way out. I got nothing funny to say about
these two, surprisingly. Oh, wait, I do, they’re going nowhere. HA HA!
The Super-Duper Heroes (w/ The Masked Vagina) VS Tough Enough Already
(Tag Team Titles)
Match starts off with Rosey dominating of course, when he tags in Hurricane,
whom he press slams on top of Maven for a two count. Maven whips Hurricane, who avoids Dean’s heel tactics & boots
him, but Maven lands a DROPKICK (of all things!) for a quick 2 count. Dean gets tagged in, and the Princesses in Purple land
a double suplex. King is trying to think of a superhero name for Stacy, and says she can be a queen! JR then redeems himself
slightly, and says he’s already had enough queens. Aha. Anywho, Nova locks in a chin lock and hammerlock on the same
time, as we get an ass shot of Stacy... and King steals my thoughts and says he’d submit to that. Rosey and Maven get
tagged, in, and Rosey unloads. Dean comes off the top with an ‘I know I’m going to get hit here, so I won’t
attempt a damn thing’, as Rosey cuts him off with a punch. Rosey rolls under a double clothesline, and Stacy does her
Blockbuster Guinea Pig impression and shakes what her momma gave her, which leads a Sidewalk Slam/Eye of the Hurricane, which
I’ll call the Best. Tandem Finisher. Ever, for all you Simpson geeks, for the 3 count.
Winners: Hurricane & Rosey
Smackdown Rebound airs, and we see the awesomeness that is Eddie Guerrero.
I forgot how great of a heel this man was.
Show thoughts: Y’know… I kinda like Hurricane & Rosey.
We all know what Shane Helms can do in the ring, and Rosey, for a big man, is darn good. If this pairing with Stacy lasts,
these guys might go somewhere. Too bad it didn’t happen when, you know, they weren’t seen as jobbers.
… Randy Orton? King Poop is here! Orton, with his Chemo-like haircut
makes his way to the ring to a damn good pop. It’s as if he never turned heel at all! … oh wait, he just told
the fans to shut up, never mind.
Orton talks about how everyone is asking him when the draft is gonna
be. Well… I don’t know if I’d ask him that. I’d be more inclined to ask, say, what he thinks of him
being on the cover of an Australian Gay & Lesbian magazine. Anywho, he talks about how he can’t get drafted, because
he’s injured, and how he’s sure Undertaker will pull strings to stay on Smackdown, and how he wants Batista to
keep the title, because he’s coming for it. .. .To which, Vincent Kennedy McMahon decides to interrupt the proceedings.
Vince then runs Orton down harshly… dissing his clothes, his shitty
hair cut, and the fact he’s lost a lot of muscle (which is true.. the guy looks no bigger than Paul London, even with
a suit on.) and says if you’re under WWE contract, you can be drafted. Ok, we get it, everyone can be drafted.
Orton then gets pissed.. saying he’s the future of this company,
he’ll be carrying it for the next 15 years, he’ll make Vince more money than Batista & Cena combined, so he
should get some respect. He also wants to know when the draft is gonna be.
Vince replies that he should remember Vince is his boss… yup,
good one Vince. Anyways, the draft will be in 3 weeks… and it’s going to last a month?! Gah. I could have handled
one week, but one month? I dunno, I’m sceptical. Vince then says this could be Randy’s last night on Raw, which
gives him plenty of time to get some muscle back, grow out his hair, and then slaps the guy on the shoulder to make his exit.
Show thoughts: Seeing Orton was kinda cool, and I’m glad be managed
to turn the face pop into heel heat. His little rant on Vince was well done as well, but this month long draft is a little
extreme. Who wants to bet people stop caring after 2 weeks? Oh, and now I’m eating some runts. I think I had too many,
they’re starting to make me feel funny.
We’re back to Kane making his way down to the ring. He looks gung
ho to win, and Lita looks like a ho. Ok, that was forced, but with Lita, it’s rare something is forced! (See what I
did there folks? I turned a shitty joke into an acceptable joke. That’s what I like to call ‘recovery’)
Edge is on his way out, and I suddenly remember he use to have a sweet
pyro. What happened to that?
Kane (w/ The tongue hungry goblin) VS Edge (w/ a briefcase) …
jeez, Edge picked a shitty valet.
Early in the match, Kane is just dominating Edge, and not in the sexy
way. JR says this match may not last long, so we shouldn’t go make ourselves a sandwich. WOW. That’s breaking
kayfabe for ya. But… the problem with this, is we still have 15 minutes left in the show, so, I decide to disobey JR
and make myself a sandwich. … ok, fine, my sandwich consisted of a chocolate chip cookie and another fruit roll up.
Apparently Batista is watching on.. and I begin to wonder when the last time he had a match on Raw. I think it was VS Christian…
wow. Anywho, Edge regains control with a drop toe hold into … well, it was SUPPOSED to be the turnbuckle, but it looked
more like Kane hit the 4th wall. Edge hammers away on Kane, and tries to whip him across the ring, but Kane pitches
him outside. There, Kane drops Edge on the guard rail. JR then gets a cheap shot in on Edge, saying he has a big mouth…
wow; JR is full of them tonight. JR also mentions Edge was dumb to insult Kane’s wife tonight, but King cleverly replies
that he’s also dumb enough to make it to the finals of the Gold Rush tournament, which shuts JR up. Anyways, Edge ends
up stungunning Kane, which gives him control. However, said control doesn’t last long, as Kane powers out and chokes
Edge in the corner. The ref breaks it up, but Kane is scary, so he runs away, while Edge gives him a good ol fashioned Greco
Roman nut shot. A baseball slide dropkick later, Kane is on the outside in pain, and we’re off to commercial.
Show thoughts: I hate being a smark. But I loooooooove cookies.
We’re back, and during the break, Kane hit a Two handed chokeslam
(Well, it was more like a two handed choke push, but King sells it like Shawn Michaels famed ‘Double Superkick’…
aka Dropkick… from last year.) and Edge landed a dropkick to the knee, so Edge is working over the big red love machine’s
leg. For some reason, Edge believes shaking your arms around increases the pressure on a leg lace lock. Sure, buddy, whatever
you say. Kane then uses the rope break, and JR rightfully points out that you don’t see that too often. However, Edge
chop blocks Kane out of the ring, and follows that up with a series of elbow drops to the injured knee. Kane is selling like
a mad man here, it’s magical. Edge continues to work over the knee, setting up the Edgeucator, hopefully. Edge locks
in another leg lace, but Kane comes up with the best counter I’ve ever seen, with repeated leg drops with the good leg.
Kane gets up, and has control again with some not-so-stiff punches. Kane stops selling his knee, which infuriates me. Edge
channels Simon Dean form earlier, and lands a flying no hope in hell of ever working. Kane lands a snake eyes and a clothesline.
However, a big boot misses, and we get the Edgeomatic. Edge gears up for the spear… goozle! Edge grabs the ref, and
then jabs Kane in those beady little eyes… Edgucation! 1…2… shoulder up! Edge gears up for another spear..
Kane dodges, but Edge avoids the ring post and reverse elbows Kane… off the ropes, seemingly going for another spear,
but that’s reversed into a side slam. Kane does his creepy smile, and Edge slowly goes up. Kane attempts a tombstone,
but edge lands on his feet behind, and shoves Kane into the ref… sigh. Spear! … Kane Sits up! Edge goes for his
brief case, but Kane boots him. Kane goes to grab the case, but Lita grabs it first… and Kane buys it that she’ll
guard it for him. Kane climbs to the top rope, and Lita passes Edge the briefcase. Lita goes to talk to Kane, which buys Edge
some time. Kane leaps off, and it met with a stiff shot to the dome. Lita awakens the ref, and a 3 count later, Edge has won
the Gold Rush Tournament!
Winner: Edge
Post match, Edge hoists Lita up, skank style, and the two leave the
ring. On the ramp, Kane sits up… and Edge looks freaked out. But then, Lita stops him.. And the two trade uvulas, as
Matt Hardy undoubtedly cries. As the show closes, JR calls Lita a Harlot. Heh.
Overall show thoughts: Pretty good showing tonight. Nothing was overly
bad, and if it was going to be, it was kept short. Could have been a lot worse.
Top Three of the night:
-
Christian’s Flair
strut & Flop. God damn, I love this man.
-
Orton’s interaction
with Vince. Orton came off well here, despite looking like crap.
-
STEVIE RICHARDS!
Honourable mention goes to a lack of Triple H, but he still appeared
in a recap, so that’s a DQ.
Worst Three of the night:
-
The shortness of Benoit/Tajiri.
That match had real potential.
-
The possibility of Bischoff
being involved in the ECW PPV… no one wants that. At all.
-
I honestly can’t think
of something else. Sure The masterlock stuff is lame, but it was short tonight, he’s good on the mic, and Stevie Richards
returned. The Pillow fight was short enough too to not make a blip on my radar screen.
An on to the pimping!
Richard Waters and the One Man Conchairto offers up the reason to why ‘Anti-smarks’ are increasing in population
at an alarming rate. The man has got a point, check it out.
Over in Just a Thought, Renee and her journalistic skills dug up the official WWE Diva Search contract… god,
it’s scary. Great read.
Sean does what he does best: Self-castration.
Oh, he also posted the funniest damn satire I’ve ever mastur.. err.. read… with RAW IS STARWARS.
Gonzo awoke from his GHB induced coma to deliver
a Smackdown Recap like only he can do. Do the Doctor a favour, and feed his ego by reading it…
then feed him some bread, the man has no strength to get it himself.
Harry Simon checks in, not only with his Impact review from the show before Hard Justice, but with the classic video review of Brutus ‘The Barber’ Beefcake. I don’t know HOW he could possibly make fun of Brutus, the man is perfect…
And finally, I dished in my latest White Vans & Candy, when I took a look at Wrestler’s Court… and what I found was truly…
well, hilarious.
Ok folks, I’m out. Cameron will be back next week,
and he’s accepting cards, flowers, and chocolates in his absence. Well, he accepts those any time as well. For that
matter, so does everyone else here at TWF, too. But I think I’d like the chocolates the most. Cause I’m a fatty
like that.
WWE RAW RANT: (05/23/05) By Cameron Burge
Hey, hi and howdy folks. Everyone’s favorite Raw Recapper is
back (and definitely not that James fellow you were all forced to endure last week.). I made up for my absence though with
a little Satire piece that you can check out here. This next joke is for my good friend Josh so bear with me.
So Eric
Bischoff outlawed "the letters ECW" last week....ok. Let me correct myself then: -ric Bis-hoff outla--d th- l-tt-rs --- last
w--k. Isn’t that gonna make it really hard to say people’s names? Poor Edge...
Okay, enough of my rambling.
On with the show.
Raw 5.23.05
Show opens with a recap of Kane getting screwed by Lita in a different manner than he was
used to last week. Apparently shoving a ref with your hands lightly will knock him out, and Edge did his best impersonation
of Kiss with his tongue. That’s gonna give me nightmares....
The Security comes out and lines both sides of the
entrance ramp. Edge then comes out holding hands with Lita. King and Edge play up how horrible she is for backstabbing the
man who electrocuted Shane McMahon's nuts and set JR on fire.
Lita cuts a horrible promo amidst some "You screwed Matt"
chants and says she should be off the hook since Kane forced her into the marriage in the first place. Amazingly she recaps
the entire angles without mentioning Matt Hardy even ONCE. She says Kane owes her so she used him, big deal. God....this promo
sucks ass. The crowd isn’t even really caring any more. They fell asleep I think. A big "Slut chant" pops up and she
states the probable fact that she’s had more action in the past few months than they have in their entire lives. She
says she never loved Kane and couldn’t love anyone who was a sick, sweaty, twisted freak like Kane....wait a minute.
Edge is sick, twisted and sweaty. The fuck?
WWE officially spits in Matt’s face by saying she’s been seeing
Edge behind "Kane’s" back for months. She says this while looking directly into the camera just in case Matt isn’t
getting the hint back home while he cuddles his Tickle Me Elmo and cries into a box of Kleenex.
Seriously though, this
promo is getting more X-pac heat than Sean Waltman himself. Edge guarantees he’ll be the new champion tonight and we
can bank on it....all amidst chants of "bullshit." Heh. For some reason the security is around the ring now while Edge leaves
and we go to Kane in the back rocking himself back and forth in his creepy red light. Does every building have one random
room in it with a red light just in case Kane shows up? JR and King pimp the Shelton/Jericho tag match as we go to commercial.
Random
Commercial Thought: Could Hollywood try and come up with a movie that we haven’t already done before now? Remakes
are getting old.
Back to the show where the rewards for stealing another man’s wife are bountiful. Eric backstage
talking to a bald dude named "Richie". He wants a funeral set up for ECW. Shelton show sup next and Jericho is missing for
their match next. Eric won’t give him another partner because he’s too busy planning the funeral and trying to
figure out how to draft Cena to Raw. So he tells Shelton it’s now a handicap match. Shelton says Eric is right about
one thing, John Cena should come to Raw but the only thing better would be Eric going to Smackdown.
Hassan and Daivari
hit the ring and get pissed at the crowd for chanting "USA." Shelton gets a major pop.
Shelton looks back at the entranceway
but no one shows so he gets in the ring.
Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. Muhammad Hassan & Khosrow
Daivari (Handicap Tag Match)
Shelton decks Daivari, but eats a shot form behind by Hassan. Shelton comes out of
the Irish whip with a clothesline on Hassan and puts him in a side headlock. Daivari makes the blind tag and tries a capture
suplex that looks a little awkward and Shelton reverses to send Daivari outside. Shelton sends Hassan out as well and puts
a returning Daivari in a standing arm bar.
Daivari does a little chain wrestling and misses a clothesline that Shelton
puts into a back suplex. Hassan trips Benjamin from the outside and slams his face on the edge of the mat and then on the
security wall as well. Back inside Hassan uses a reverse chinlock on Shelton, but the champion fights out until Hassan slams
him right back down. Daivari tags in with Hassan’s permission and tries a vertical suplex that Shelton block and reverses
into a Slingshot Suplex.
Benjamin keeps Daivari down with scoop slams and clotheslines followed by a back body drop.
Hassan tries to come in only to eat some right and get clotheslined over the top. Daivari gets back up and eat a press slam
and high knee lift that sends him out as well. Hassan returns to the ring and crawls on the ground begging only to get stomped
on in the corner while Daivari grabs the chair. The ref grabs the chair, but Daivari simply lets go causing him to fall down
facing away. With the ref’s back turned, Shelton goes for the T-bone on Daivari only to get a sneak attack from Hassan
with the WMDDT allowing Daivari to pick up the pin.
Winners: Hassan & Daivari
Special Match "Fact":
Hassan’s names was originally supposed to be Muhammad Hassan Hussein.
Daivari and Hassan celebrate on the ramp
while everyone wonders where Jericho was and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I didn’t
see them because I got some chips which completely kick Fruit Rollups’ ass.
Back to the show where Jericho is
rushing in when he is confronted by the randomly placed, microphone holding Todd. Todd tells Jericho the bad news about Shelton’s
match and he gets pissed saying he’ll let Eric pit him against anyone in a one on one fight tonight.
Elsewhere
Christian is telling Tyson he should be on Smackdown to beef up the roster when Edge and Lita show up. Edge tells them that
if they will help him beat Batista tonight he won’t need his contract anymore so Christian could have it. Christian
says he gets the picture as we go to commercial....again.
Random Commercial Thought: Have you ever seen a bunch
of people playing Donkey Konga before? It looks really funny. Also of note: The Honeymooners remake is fucking stupid.
Back
to the show. JR pimps the main event followed by Maria’s interview with Viscera. Chris Masters makes his way to the
ring. It’s clapping time. Man, that entrance is easily the best on Raw. Footage rolls of Masters breaking Richards’
face a few months back. Speak of the devil, Stevie comes out with a purpose in his stride.
Stevie Richards vs. Chris
Masters
No time is wasted as Masters shoves Richards into the corner with rams to the gut and a triple backbreaker.
Masters follows up with a sidewalk slam and promises to break his face again as he sets up for the double sledge and Richards
drags himself up by the ropes. Richards reverses the shot with a stiff super kick and wails on Masters madly while the crowd
backs him up, but Masters uses a cheap shot to turn the tide and hit a heavy blow on Richard kneecap.
Stevie rolls
on the ground holding his knee and Masters sneaks up behind him to lock on the MASTERfull Nelson. Richards flails for a while
until he passes out and the ref lifts his limp arm before declaring Chris the winner.
Winner: Chris Masters
Special
Match "Fact": Masters has only used the running double sledge twice before this on Raw. Once against Stevie Richard and
another against a former ROH champion.
Backstage Eric is talking to Todd about what Jericho said, and the match will
be next. Eric also wants him to interview Kane because he’s afraid to find out how the big red machine is feeling himself.
Todd doesn’t seem too thrilled with the idea as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: How fast
can you spin your Gameboy like a madman? Buy Warioware Twisted! and find out.
Back to the show. Promo of nearly naked
women who have entered the Diva search. I’ve seen less plastic in Lego sets.
Jericho makes his way out to atone
for his sins so to speak. Footage plays of Hassan and Daivari beating Shelton earlier. They FINALLY acknowledge the release
of Wrestlemania 21 for X-box now. Sylvan Grenier comes out by himself to face Jericho since La Resistance is still fighting
amongst themselves.
Sylvan Grenier vs. Chris Jericho
Grenier beats on Jericho earlier and sends him outside
where he lays into him further followed by some stomping back in the ring. Grenier tries to hit a clothesline in the corner
only to get caught by a reverse elbow. Jericho takes out the legs and goes for the walls, but Grenier reverses into an inside
cradle. Jericho kicks out at two.
Grenier keeps the pressure on with a scoop slam and a Torture Rack of all things
that JR retardedly calls a Backbreaker. Jericho fights out and scores a two count with a sunset flip. Jericho hits a running
enziguiri and misses the knee to the back on the middle rope, but still manages to hit a cross body followed by a moonsault
that Grenier gets the knees up for a two count of his own.
Jericho hits a springboard on Grenier on the outside causing
him to fall back into the ring and right into the walls of Jericho where he eagerly taps.
Winner: Jericho
Special
Match "Fact": Jericho once had two people dressed in costumes form Planet of the Apes shove a pie in Stephanie McMahon’s
face.
Post match Shelton walks out to the ring. Jericho fetches a microphone and stays on the outside of the ring while
he says how sorry he is. He says that Shelton is a tremendous athlete, but so is Jericho, but he’s also a singer, icon
and much more so he will sometimes be a little late. He says the Jericho-holics will always be on his side as he leaves.
JR
and King says the ECW funeral is next and ironically it plays the Undertaker’s Funeral March music. I guess they were
too cheap to make a different tune for it. Commercial time.
Random Commercial Thought: Brendon...I am your father’s
uncle’s cousin’s former roommate.
Back to the show that has the same great taste with 100% less HHH. Eric
is in the ring amidst the "ECW" chants shedding false tears for the fallen ECW. People could say the same crap for your punk-ass
company, Eric. Bischoff gives a history of ECW but gets interrupted by "Asshole" chants and his voice actually cracks like
a prepubescent kid. Ha! There’s really no point in recapping this as you can imagine what he had to say. Suffice to
say he and some Raw superstars will have tickets for One Night Stand to show up and put ECW out of business and no one will
stop him. Not Paul Heyman. Not Sabu. Not the Sandman. No one.
Except.
Vince McMahon who makes his usual constipated
entrance. Vince says he’s here to say he differs from Eric on the ECW issue and has an interest in ECW’s well-being
going on to say WWE supported ECW for years financially. He says there are a ton of ECW stars that became superstars in WWE
like Foley, The Dudley Boys, and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Vince accuses Eric of raping, pillaging, and robbing their locker
room driving them into bankruptcy. Eric says he had no idea Vince was supporting them. Vince says Eric is a dumbass for wondering
how the ECW commercials magically showed up on Raw and says, "HELL I PUT THEM THERE!" Vince then says he’ll be personally
presenting the match that was cancelled last week by Eric causing a big "ECW" chant. So much for the banned letters.
Vince
alludes to the fact that ECW may be resurrected by One Night Stand. He then restates that one brand of wrestling is totally
dead, WCW. Eric sticks his lip out like he’s going to cry. Vince declares he’s not qualified to talk about ECW
but there is someone who is...good old Paul Heyman. Has anyone else noticed how much a midget Paul is next to Eric and Vince?
Paul
begins to cut the best promo all night when he laughs his ass off in Eric’s face and saying this is the first time all
three of them have been in the same ring at the same time listing off all three companies with ECW getting the biggest pop.
He talks about how ECW discovered guys like , Dreamer, Sandman, Foley, Sabu, the Dudley Boys, RVD, Benoit, Guererro, Tazz
and Rey Mysterio. The man has this promo down so well, he actually PREDICTS the ECW chant coming and pauses accordingly for
it. Vince steps in and says that he supports both Raw and ECW and says that if Eric wants to invade ECW it’s alright
with him. He says if there’s one thing he loves more than a pot full of money it’s a damn good fight.
Paul
says Eric is starting a fire he can’t put out and lights the wreath on fire before he leaves. I think we all need a
nice refreshing commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Captain Kirk slept with quite a few women for a fat guy.
Back
to the show. The Packers are in attendance. Cross-promotion runs for Austin’s cameo in The Longest Yard. Benoit comes
out and gets nailed form behind by Tajiri.
Chris Benoit vs. Tajiri (ECW Rules Match)
Tajiri takes his
shinai to Benoit hard, but Benoit turns the tables and grabs it himself. Tajiri avoids the shot with some mist and finds some
trash can lids outside followed by the trash cans and a sign. Benoit tosses the shinai at Tajiri who catches it only to get
hit by a chop to the chest that sends him down.
Benoit sets up a trash can in the corner, but Tajiri sends him into
it only to get caught by some Germans afterwards and the Crossface. Tajiri grabs the shinai (not kendo stick you fucking moron,
JR!) and beats Benoit in the head with it, but Benoit grabs it and uses it to apply the Crossface with instead of his hands
forcing Tajiri to tap.
Winner: Benoit
Special Match "Fact": The "kendo stick" is actually a shinai
also referred to as the Singapore Cane in wrestling. Actually stabbing someone with a practice shinai is so dangerous you
could break their sternum.
Post match King declares it extremely crappy wrestling as we go to commercial.
Random
Commercial Thought: I’m surprised Cena’s CD is as good as it is. I guess he just told the IWC go fuck (or
would it be "ruck"?) themselves.
Back to the show. Slam of the week runs of Batista saving Flair last week. Backstage
Batista is getting ready when Flair comes in. Flair says he’s been wanting to say this all day long, but didn’t
know how to do it (he isn’t coming out of the closet is he?). Flair says thanks and says Batista really showed the people
what kind of man he is before offering his hand (not in marriage). Flair wishes him luck and leaves.
Elsewhere, Todd
confronts Kane who is still rocking himself back and forth in his room. Todd stand far away and stick the microphone out after
asking ho Kane feels. Kane just sniffles a bunch before finally saying his whole life has been about pain. He says he was
born into it and he was born to bring it. Pain is his best and only friend, but now it’s his worst enemy. Oookaaay....
Kane
says this pain hurts. He cries. Causing the crowd to actually boo him. Heh. He says he might have deserved it for all the
things he’s done (no shit?!). He says he doesn’t want this pain, and scratches at himself telling them to get
it off him. He says he wants to give pain rather than receive it. He says he wants to be left alone. He whispers that last
part and Todd gets gone fast. That was a little creepy. I need a commercial to tide me over.
Random Commercial Thought:
Boogeyman could be decent, so I guess I’ll give it a try on rental.
Back to the show. WWE Rewind is Viscera getting
funky with Lillian Garcia. HE actually doesn’t sing THAT bad which kinda surprises me. Backstage Kane is wandering out
the door...in his ring gear.
Maria is in the ring waiting on Viscera and Count Chocula doesn’t disappoint. King
and JR reveal that Viscera is actually a combination of themselves with a ravenous appetite for groceries and women....accept
his are above the age of eleven.
Maria says she has a motive for bringing Maria out here tonight and calls Lillian
up to the ring. Maria says she has a theory. Her theory is that Viscera likes Lillian. Jesus Christ I hate this woman. Viscera
says she’s right, but he doesn’t know if she likes him the same way. He waited all night for her to show up at
his place but she didn’t (The crowd actually boos her for this). He says he has a surprise and calls for "Lights. Music...Hot
dog?" Some "funkiliscious lights come up and he tells Maria to take her "sexy little ass" and get the hotdog from the guy
on the front row. She does, and i realize he suspiciously looks like one of the dudes Masters beat down once.
Viscera
says last week was the singing so this week it’s the dancing and gets his "groove thang" on. Lillian gets down a little
too, but gets just creeped out when he shakes his ass for her and nearly disgusted when he drop drawers to reveal some ruby
boxer shorts before dry humping Lillian.
Coach interrupts and says Eric has a lot to deal with already, but he doesn’t
need to deal with a sexual harassment suit as well. Coach says Viscera is feeling comfortable in a town where even he is considered
thin. Coach says Bischoff is ordering him to leave. Coach goes to chew Lillian’s ass, but Viscera grabs him by the throat
and goes to chest slapping. for some reason the crowd is behind him big time. Viscera hits a big Samoan drop followed by some
dry humping and Lillian comes up to thank him by raising his arm.
Lillian tries to leave, but Viscera grabs her by
the arm for a make out session first. Whoa. I’m going to wash my eyes out. Commercial, dear God, I need a commercial.
Random
Commercial Thought: I can’t wait to lose my hair so I can start wasting my money on products to make it come back.
Back
to the show where if the women aren’t "gutter sluts" then they don’t have a job (just ask Molly). Edge is out
for the main event with his own personal gutter slut. The crowd chants for Batista so he doesn’t disappoint and makes
his way to the ring.
Edge and Lita abandon the ring while Batista runs around and shows off a bit. At one point both
of them seem to be checking out his ass while he’s on the turnbuckle. Edge finally gets back in the ring so we can get
started.
Batista vs. Edge w/ Lita, Christian & Tomko (World Heavyweight Championship Match)
Batista
looks at Lita in disgust causing Edge to trash talk him. They tie up and go to the corner, but Edge spins it around and wails
on Batista in the corner only to get floored by a big shoulderblock. Batista racks Edge and slams him into the turnbuckle.
Edge gets up on the apron only to get clotheslined off and crack his face on the security wall. Christian and Tomko make their
way to the ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Who in the blue hell thought "Inflate the
rainbow" was a good campaign line for Skittles Bubblegum?
Back to the match. Why didn’t we just take that commercial
break before the match? Batista is hitting Edge in the corner with a mounted ten punch when Christian cheap shots him off.
Edge slings Batista’s shoulder into the ring post and sends him to the floor. Edge comes off the apron with a shot to
the back and kicks Batista around followed by slamming him face first into the stairs. Edge sends Batista back in and eats
a shot to the midsection, but rakes the eyes to keep control. Edge puts Batista down for two and tries a body scissors.
King
makes the obvious connection of the body scissors to the Edge/Lita relationship for us. Batista rallies and turns around in
the scissors to mounted punch Edge. Christian distracts the ref so Edge can get in a cheap thumb to the eye and hit Batista
with a spinning heel kick. Edge puts on a reverse chin lock.
For some reason Tomko looks constipated at ringside. Edge
converts the hold to a sleeper and Batista falls to his side form the sitting position. The ref starts the arms drop count
but only gets one and a half. Batista fights out but gets caught by a dropkick coming off the ropes. Edge goes up top, but
gets racked and Batista climbs where he starts pounding on him before delivering a superplex to start a standing ten count.
Both
men make it up and Batista crushes Edge with right hands. DAVE hits a huge clothesline in the corner and ducks Edge’s
flying forearm causing him to connect with the ref. Batista hits Edge with a powerslam, but Christian and Tomko lay in the
beating while Edge recovers. Flair shows up and takes down everyone single handedly until he gets caught by a spear from Edge.
Tomko
and Christian beat on Flair, but Batista takes them out only to eat a spear himself. The ref drags himself over for the two
count.
Edge undoes the turnbuckle while Lita distracts the ref, but Batista catches him with the spine buster. He signals
the thumbs down followed by the Batista Bomb for three.
Winner: Batista
Special Match "Fact": Triple
H really is Batista’s father.
Flair stares at Batista from the corner and big Dave comes over and hugs him when
fucking Triple H interrupts. Damnit.
Flair falls to his knees when next to Batista and Triple H makes his way out with
a sledge hammer. Edge sits slack-jawed on his knees then suddenly racks Batista from behind. Hunter slams Sledgie the Sledgehammer
on the stairs before getting inside and cracking Batista with it in the face, sending him outside.
Batista blades and
Triple H tears him up with a beating before ripping off his shirt and slamming him into the stairs. I’m also kinda pissed
because Triple H is wearing the exact same pants as me. Hunter continues slamming Batista around and into things before rolling
him into the ring to recover his hammer. Batista struggles to his feet but takes another shot to the head anyway. Flair holds
Batista in the ropes for Hunter to slap him.
Triple H declares Vengeance to be Hell in a Cell and Flair dumps him on
the mat to take a pedigree on the belt as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Nothing was really
great, but it was probably Shelton’s match with Team Arabia.
Lowlight of the Night: The ending of the
show. That was bullshit. Triple H just bullied his way back into the title picture with no real reasoning, making the last
three weeks of television utterly pointless. I’m fucking pissed.
Pimpin’ is
Easy, Just Watch Me
First and foremost. Yours truly gives a special preview on the latest form WWE Music in The Best of La Resistance. Check it out.
Richard tells how the IWC needs to stop supporting JBL in the
One Man Conchairto.
While we enjoyed a Hunterless RAW last week, what was going on in the Helmsley
household? Only Renee knows with Just a Thought.
How can Smackdown get even weirder? When Gonzo replaces the usual alcohol
rating system with the pone time only Sexual Star Wars Rating System in the Drug-Induced Smackdown Report. But wait! there’s more! Acerbic Treats is back. The Good Doctor gives his thoughts on Judgment Day and more.
Harry
tells the tale of TNA’s rise from the ashes under new the guidance of anew booking committee in the TNA Impact Review.
Feeling down in the dumps? Got a monkey on your back? Low tire pressure and high
insurance rates got you angry? Then see a professional because Sean doesn’t give a shit. He’s just providing you
with the Judgment Day PPV Rant.
See you all next time....where’d I put my blow up doll.....?
WWE RAW RANT:
(05/30/05) By Cameron Burge
Welcome back. I had my excursion into
Smackdown! last week, but now I’m back and ready to get back to doing what I do best....recapping promos by Triple H.
That’s right folks, it’s the first Triple H promo since his whole week off from Raw. Completely throwing a few
week’s worth of storyline out the window, Trips has shoved himself back into the title picture with a challenge for
the strap at Vengeance in HIAC, because as we all know, any wrestler can just schedule a main event match for the title at
the PPV on their own power.
Well, let’s get this over with.
RAW 5.30.05
Tonight
Raw is live from Calgary. Show opens with Vince’s classic sappy Memorial Day promo about the armed forces. It goes from
basic memorial to 9/11 piece to Iraqi war piece and into a taps salute.
To the show proper. Theme and pyro bring us
home to JR and King. JR tells us the Highlight Reel will be featuring Lita and Kane and Benoit will Face Edge in a tables
match. In the ring, King kicks off Summer with a Raw diva swimsuit competition. Shit, I forgot the Vaseline.
Contestants
(in order) are: Christy, Candice(GoDaddy.com ho), Maria (who earns a snarling look from Christy from some weird reason), Victoria
(remember when she used to wrestle? And where’d she get the bling? Is she dating Cena now?), and Lillian Garcia (The
hell?). Well with Lillian on her way we all know a certain chocolate behemoth won’t be far behind. She’s got some
awesome theme music though.
Diva Swimsuit Competition
King says he’s been waiting six years to
tell Lillian to drop her towel and she goes to do so, Viscera shows up. King introduces the big man as he waddles out in his
pimp suit. King says the divas must refrain from getting it on with Big Vis despite his magnetism and charisma (uh....). King
invites Viscera to help him judge and Mabel says he’d like to, but he says just the thought of Lillian in her swimsuit
outfit gets him hot....so he commences to do the grind dance before going King Kong and carrying her away.
King tells
them to have a good time while the Kong wannabe makes off with his prize. Now that all that is over with, the order is as
follows: Victoria, Maria, Candice, Christy. Actually this whole bit is kind of like the Diva Search come early. King ogles
for a bit before selecting Christy as the winner.
Winner: Who cares? We all had fun.
Special Match "Fact":
Victoria’s hair is about twice as thick as it used to be during her initial heel run.
Post competition, The three
Diva Search contestants celebrate when Victoria whoops all their asses and kicks Christy on the ground before choking her
out. King tries to drag her away, but gets tossed aside on his first try and a low blow on his second attempt. Victoria hits
the hottest looking Widow’s Peak you’ll ever see on Christy as the crowd isn’t sure whether to cheer or
boo her and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Who the hell cares about the NBA rookies so much
they need their own show?
Back to the show. Replay footage of Christy getting her whoring ass handed to her by the
best psycho chick to ever grace the wrestling scene. The world’s queerest interviewer is asking her why she beat Christy
down. Victoria says she’s pissed about why Christy gets all the attention, like a match at Wrestlemania 21 and a Playboy
issue. She wanted it all (I wouldn’t mind seeing it "all" either).
Back to the ring where Hurricane and Rosey
are coming to the ring with....Dominatrix Stacey? She’s got Tinsel for clothing, for Christ’s sake. The challengers
are the Heartthrobs.
They do a goofy dance down the aisle as we see footage of the Heartthrobs winning a Texas Tornado
Tag against Regal and Tajiri to get the shot. Stacey seems disgusted by their dancing.
World Tag Team Champions
Hurricane & Rosey w/ Super Stacey vs. The Heartthrobs (World Tag Team Title Match)
Rosey lets Stacey out of
the ring and gets knocked outside by a cheap shot from the Heartthrobs, but Hurricane sends Romeo outside.
Hurricane
hits a leg lariat for two on Antonio and counter a corner charge with an uppercut, but when he tries to go up top, Antonio
sends him off the apron to be attacked by Romeo. Back inside, Antonio hits a neck breaker on Hurricane for two before slamming
his head hard into the corner and tagging in Romeo.
Romeo keeps the pressure on with shots to the back and a
ram back to the corner before tagging in Antonio who hits a few shots and tags right back out amidst "Stacey’s Hot"
chants. Romeo avoids an attack from Hurricane and tags Antonio back in who takes the hero down for two before tagging back
out.
Romeo puts a chin lock on Hurricane, but Helms fights out only to eat a series of heavy rights. Hurricane rallies
and tries to fight off both men when Romeo cuts him off with a kick to the gut. Romeo sends Hurricane to the corner and goes
to whips his partner into him, but Hurricane jumps over it to slam Antonio into the corner and come off the top on Romeo.
Rosey tags in and cleans house.
He double stacks the Heartthrobs in the corner and crushes one, but Antonio escapes
only to eat a body slam. Rosey tags in Hurricane and lifts him on his shoulders for the Superhero Splash and the win.
Winners:
Hurricane & Rosey
Special Match "Fact": Christy Hemme once wore a skirt made of tinsel to the ring as
well.
Stacey joins the heroes in the ring and they carry her around in celebration. Backstage, Batista is on his way
to the ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Sometimes I desperately wish Spike would get
some new commercials.
Back to the show. Another promo for the Diva search which somehow becomes a commercial bit for
Audioslave. JR rolls the footage of last week’s false Flair turn which shocked....nobody at all followed by the Hell
in a Cell challenge. We go to Batista in Eric’s office.
Triple H apparently is doing his interview form a separate
building tonight and Batista says he accepts Triple H’s challenge. They’ll sign the contract next week. Eric is
interrupted by Hassan and Daivari. Hassan says he deserves the shot since he’s "undefeated" and Triple H has lost three
consecutive times. Batista challenges Hassan to shut him up tonight and Eric likes the sound of that. Daivari sticks around
to trash talk when Batista bitch slaps him, forcing Hassan to carry him out. Commercial time again.
Random Commercial
Thought: Good Charlotte is notoriously ugly.
Back to the show. Footage rolls of Benjamin getting beat in the handicap
match last week because Jericho no showed. Speaking of Benji, he’s defending his belt in a triple threat now...against
La Resistance. How did they get a shot after losing all their singles matches?
Intercontinental Champion Shelton
Benjamin vs. Sylvan Grenier vs. Robert Conway (Triple Threat Intercontinental Title Match)
La Resistance argues
amongst itself for a bit before charging Benji with force and laying in a real beating. The Quebecers whips Benjamin, but
he counter out and takes Grenier down. Conway hits a clothesline to allow his partner to get back up and they fight
over who gets to stomp on Benjamin. Robert slams Benjamin into the corner and Grenier decides he can do it better so he does.
They continue to one up each other by trying to do it harder each time.
Conway drags Benjamin to the ground and clocks
him on when he tries to get up so Grenier tries to do the same, but Shelton powers out and fights off both men before knocking
Grenier to the outside and hitting a backbody drop on Conway. Shelton hits a crazy backbreaker for two. Conway picks
Shelton up for a spine buster but simply holds Shelton so Grenier can hit a flying reverse bulldog through it. Conway goes
for the pin, and Grenier prevents it to try and take it for himself.
La Resistance starts fighting with Conway sending
Grenier outside with a clothesline and Benjamin sending him out with one of his own. Benjamin hits s springboard, split-legged
dropkick to floor both men on the outside.
Conway crawls in and eats a flying reverse bulldog by Benjamin fort two
when Grenier breaks it up and hits a sidewalk slam on Shelton that Conway breaks up. The tag team chops itself apart before
falling into a brawl. Conway hits a neck breaker on Grenier for two. They fights on their knees with heavy rights until
they get to their feet, Conway gains the advantage in the corner and the crowd chants for Grenier. Benjamin comes out of nowhere
with a stinger splash on both men. He eliminates Conway from the ring by hitting a spinning heel kick on Grenier which causes
him to falls against Conway and into a T-bone.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
Special Match "Fact": Conway’s
Beard is slowly consuming his face and eating away his flesh.
Highlight Reel is next as we go to commercial.
Random
Commercial Thought: You know, I don’t really need Taco Bell commercials to play in stereo for me, thanks.
Back
to the show with Jericho’s Highlight Reel. Jericho "Vince Walks" to the ring in a weird T-shirt/Suit Jacket combo tonight.
Jericho
welcomes us with pyro and says he almost didn’t make it on time this week again because his autograph signing line was
so huge. He says he’ll be interviewing the first draft lottery pick that comes to Raw next week no matter who it is.
Jericho says his guest is a monster who enjoys torturing people...but he’ll get to Lita in a second, but first, Kane.
Jericho
says he didn’t take satisfaction in what happened to Kane, but he still wants to know how he feels about it. Jericho
says he’s never been dumped before, so he doesn’t know how it feels. Jericho asks if Lita ever gave any indication,
such as disgust in him. Then he says it must be a case of his equipment malfunctioning. He asks if maybe the Big Red Machine
is suffering from premature pyro. AHAHAAAA! Jericho trash talsk Kane and tells him to go get some popcorn and rent the Divine
Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood causing the big man to turn on him.
Jericho backs off as Edge interrupts on the Titantron.
Edge asks Kane how it felt to be speared last week before pulling the IWC’s own joke on them by saying he speared his
wife. Uhg. They rub salt in Matt’s wounds further by even playing up the Cell phone bit. Edge says he won’t let
Lita go down there, but she can tell him off from there.
Lita has officially filed for divorce. Uh...why didn’t
she do that before? She lists all the things she won’t have to put up with anymore before dumping the ring amidst "You
Screwed Matt chants." They flush the ring down the toilet with a lot of REALLY bad acting. It’s horrible when someone
who can’t act tries to pretend like they are fake acting (try to make sense of that sentence). Lita makes out with Edge
in the bathroom as Kane continues to cry in the ring like a bitch and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
Why does Boogeyman have to try and be Nightmare on Elm Street so bad, right down to the childhood nursery rhyme?
Back
to the show. Footage of Benoit/Tajiri last week.
Eric makes the scene and heads directly to JR and King. He says that
he’s still on his crusade against ECW. He’ll be at the PPV with his Raw superstars and he’s happy to know
that Kurt Angle is with him on this. Eric says that the reason he granted the tables match tonight, despite hating ECW so
much, is because he can be more ECW than ECW can ever be. Eric says Edge is a general in his anti-ECW army and is going to
teach Benoit a new level of pain.
Edge gets on his way to the ring with super-whore and his briefcase for the match.
Eric remains on the announce team for us. Oh God...
Benoit is still introduced from Atlanta, Georgia despite us being
in Calgary tonight.
Chris Benoit vs. Edge w/ Lita (Tables Match)
Benoit and Edge have a stare off. The
tie up and Edge pushes Benoit to the corner, but the tables are turned and Benoit hits several knees to the gut and rights
followed by some chops. Benoit keeps Edge down with a Kitchen sink and the "We Want Tables" chants starts. Edge catches Benoit
off guard and puts him in the corner, but the Wolverine fights back out and chops Edge in the corner again. Edge falls to
the ground and takes some knees to the spine before rolling out to the floor where Benoit continues the beating.
Back
inside, Benoit hits a nice snap suplex and slams Edge’s head into the corner and follows with more chops. Edge escapes
and reverses a whip to the corner that slams Benoit hard and causes him to crumple to the mat.
Edge fetches a table,
but when he stands up, Benoit hits a picture perfect Suicide Dive to start some "Holy Shit" chants as we go to commercial.
Random
Commercial Thought: I should check out this new horror movie. I haven’t had a horror fix in a while.
Back
to the match. Edge is rolling Benoit back inside and working the Wolverine over when Benoit suddenly unleashes on him with
wild mounted punching, but edge rolls through it and hits his own. King announces an ECW magazine coming out. Benoit trips
Edge up and tries to get the Sharpshooter to a huge pop (wonder why....), but Edge kicks him away.
Edge hits a huge
running shoulderblock to the gut in the corner on Benoit and goes back outside to try and get his table again. Edge sets the
table up on the apron and Benoit baseball slides it to knock him out cold.
Benoit sets the table up while Edge crawls
to his feet and slides into the ring. Benoit drags Edge into a racks position on the bottom rope which looks REALLY painful.
Benoit continues to work Edge over and goes to German Edge off the apron and through the table, but Edge uses reverse elbows
to escape. Edge tries to body slam Benoit off and through the table, but Benoit flips inside the ring and tries to push Edge
off. Edge holds on and tries a suplex now, but Benoit reverses and brings him inside.
Benoit puts Edge back on the
apron and hits several right before taking a running shot, but Edge catches him with a straight elbow to the face to floor
him. Edge goes up top, but Benoit racks him and baseballs slide him off the apron and to the floor. Benoit grabs another table
from under the ring and puts it in the ring. Benoit takes his time and sets the table in the middle of the ring before dragging
Edge up on the turnbuckle for a superplex when Lita runs in and drags the table away.
Benoit hits the move, but misses
the table as Lita tosses the case to Edge. Benoit catches Edge with a German causing him to drop the suitcase before he takes
two more. Benoit moves the table back into position and Germans Edge again before putting him on the table and slamming his
head into it.
Benoit goes up top and Lita pushes him off causing Bischoff to call out Maven and Tyson Tomko to
get the drop on Benoit. Tyson holds Benoit for Maven, but Benoit breaks free and wails on them. Bischoff calls out Snitsky
who hits a botched big boot to knock Benoit out cold. The anti-ECW army stalks Benoit until Edge picks him up and delivers
a power bomb through the table.
Winner: Edge
Special Match "Fact": Maven’s tag team partner,
Simon Dean will be appearing as Hollywood Nova at the ECW PPV, one third of the Blue World Order.
You know...Gene always
looks like he’s shitting his pants while he’s standing around. Eric takes the mic and says this is just a sample
of what his crusade is gonna be like at the PPV. The heels leave Benoit in the ring for the ref to check on him as we get
footage of Trips getting set up for his interview "from another building" (AKA in the a locker room backstage). Let’s
take a commercial break.
Random Commercial Thought: Seed of Chucky is a prime example of a movie that should
not exist.
Back to the show. JR pimps Hassan’s match with Batista before moving on to Triple H. Footage package
of Triple H and Flair jumping Batista last week rolls again.
We go to Triple H and JR asks Hunter what the hell make
shim think he deserves another match. Hunter tells him to shut up before cutting a typical promo that you can go back and
read any one of my recaps for. He basically talks about beating DAVE. Whatever. You know, this is the easiest part to recap,
since I don’t even need to tell you what he’s saying. You all know it by heart by now. HE brings up his HIAC history
of course and tells how it’s going to end DAVE’s career.
Commercials everywhere, but not a thing to watch...
Random
Commercial Thought: Do we really need Skittles Bubblegum?...and more importantly: Can it really make me fly?
Back
to the show. Chris Masters is on his way. It’s time to clap. Funny spot has King shushing JR during Masters’ posing.
A funny sign is somebody with a cardboard lock with "Master" on it and a cardboard key. Heh. Masters has upped his challenge
to 10,000 dollars. He makes sure to mention it is Canadian. He decides no one in the arena can take it so he extends the challenge
to anyone in the back so Val Venis makes the a show...and we get a shot of one well blessed lady at ringside making me completely
forget what I was just talking about. Val does his towel toss and a big hairy dude snatches it from the ladies. Ha!
Masters
says he’s a huge fan of Val and his roommate in college had every one of his movies. Masters guarantees Venis will pass
out in the hold tonight and Val says that the ladies knows Val gives very "stiff" competition. He asks if Masters is "up"
for the challenge before getting ready in the seat.
Masterlock Challenge: Val Venis
Masters cheap shots
Venis by kicking him in the head then hitting some knee lifts and putting on the MASTERfull Nelson, but Val holds through
it and drags Masters to the corner, but Masters pulls him to the ground and Val holds on until Masters gets back to his feet
and forces Val to pass out.
Winner: Chris Masters
Special Match "Fact": The man who caught Val’s
towel is his "biggest" fan.
Post match King says the competition from Val was stiff but came up a little short. Ok,
enough penis jokes, let’s go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m assuming the crazy looking
dude in Batman Begins is supposed to be the Scarecrow.
Back to the show. It’s time to call upon the Christian
Coalition because Captain Charisma is in the house. One sign declares it Peep Country in Calgary as he gets far more cheers
than boos. Christian tells America to take note of how to treat a superstar like him before movie onto the draft lottery,
but being forced to pause while the crowd chants his name. Christian says the Smackdown roster is missing something. They
have Americans (boos), Mexicans (more boos), Japanese(less boos), Frenchman (even more boos), A Giant (mild boos), a Deadman
(mixed cheers) and a lame ass rapper wannabe (big boos). Christian says Cena can’t make him say "I Quit" even if he
made him listen to his lame ass CD. AHAHAAA! Christian says that Smackdown doesn’t have a Canadian that can kick everyone’s
ass, and after the lottery they may be getting an injection of the three C’s (Charisma, Canada, and Christian).
Batista/Hassan
is next.
Random Commercial Thought: That razor commercial reminded me. I need to shave before I grow an entire
freaking forest on my face here.
Back to the show. JR pimps the contract signing next week and the Highlight Reel.
Let the chanting begin, it’s Muhammad Hassan.
It’s already ten(central), so this match better be quick.
Batista’s got new theme music. Wiggy.
World Heavyweight Champion Batista vs. Muhammad Hassan w/ Daivari(Non-title
Match)
Hassan tries to jump Batista early but takes a shot himself first and gets stuck in the corner with crushing
knees and rights. Batista flattens him with a shoulderblock and clotheslines Daivari on the outside. Batista gets back in
and takes a DDT from Hassan. Hassan does a running big boot to the side of the head of Batista hanging off the apron and chokes
big DAVE out on the ropes. Hassan hits a neck breaker and picks up two before putting Batista in a cobra clutch.
Batista
works himself up and uses a one armed snap mare to takes Hassan down. Both men collide and Batista plays the dazed, and injured
look. Hassan tries to take him down with a right to the head, but just gets rammed to the corner with some shoulder thrusts
and eats a spine buster. Batista staggers, a bit dazed as Daivari goes up top only to get thrown off. Batista hits a crushing
clothesline on Daivari and takes Hassan out in the corner before setting Daivari up for a Batista Bomb.
Khosrow tries
to run, but Batista hits some knees on Daivari. Daivari tries to use the belt as a weapon, but Batista busts him wide open.
The ref has to tell Batista to drop the belt and Batista starts to kick Hassan in the face over and over in the corner, choking
him with the knee. The ref tries to pull him off to no avail and disqualifies him.
Winner: Hassan
Special
Match "Fact": Dave’s Band-Aid covered approximately three fourths of his forehead.
Batista mauls Daivari
in the ring some more. Hassan grabs a chair at rings side only to have it slammed into his face. Batista chokes Hassan out
and floors him with the chair again. Some refs and trainers try to call him off as he destroys the ring steps and tosses Hassan
back in. Batista picks Daivari up and KILLS Daivari dead with a power bomb. He sets up Hassan and hits a botched Batista Bomb.
Batista stands over the fallen duo with his belt as we go off the air.
That was one hell of a powerful ending.
Highlight
of the Night: Batista annihilation of Hassan and Daivari. It was nice to give that "animal" quality back to Dave he lost
with his cool attitude. He needs this attitude to go into the HIAC believably like he could kill Triple H (and hopefully he
will).
Lowlight of the Night: Bischoff’s Anti-ECW crusaders. Not only is it a stupid idea to do this,
but it’s more like Eric got the B Team for this mission. What are they going to do? Job themselves out until ECW folds?
Pimped Like It’s You Sister
There’s a Contest here at the Fan! Do you
think you have what it takes to write alongside the likes of greats like Sean Carless, Harry Simon and Canadian Bacon(okay,
maybe not that last one...)? Then enter today
and win fantastic prizes! (Dodge ball not included.)
Sometimes I just
can’t get enough of me, and we know you can’t either. So Sean has me fill in for Gonzo last week on the Smackdown Report. Don’t worry though, our good Doctor will be back.
Harry Simon
pulls triple duty with the TNA Hard Justice Review, the FINAL Impact on FSN, and a classic vault update- BEST OF THE WWE Vol. 1!
Who’s
got Jungle Fever? Why is the Edge and Lita situation a good thing? find out the answers to these and more (such as: What is
the meaning of life?) in Renee’s Just a Thought.
What is the hottest DVD WWE has yet to release? Only Richard knows in
the One Man Conchairto.
Working late shifts in a 7-11, one superstar saw the shadow of his
future glory. His tale can only be heard in James Walker’s White Vans and Candy.
Feeling down in the dumps? Got a monkey on your back? Low tire pressure
and high insurance rates got you angry? Then see a professional because Sean doesn’t give a shit. He’s just providing
you with the Judgment Day PPV Rant.
|
