RAW RANT ARCHIVE: April 2005

RAW RANT ARCHIVE (April 2005)

WWE RAW RANT: (04/04/05) By Cameron Burge

Hello, one and all. On the biggest stage of ’em all (Shakespeare would argue that’s the World, but I digress) Batista shocked the world with a CLEAN win over Triple H when he reversed the Pedigree and hit the Batista Bomb for the win. The Showstopper has the repercussions of a huge loss to Kurt Angle in a match that surprisingly saw the crowd turn on him coming up tonight. Randy Orton has the same to deal with (But we probably won’t being seeing him due to shoulder injuries) when amazingly the WWE gave both interpromotional wins to Smackdown. Edge has his guaranteed title shot now. Maybe we’ll get some clues as to how he’ll use it.

The one, the only Dr. Gonzo is at Raw tonight. I’m told he may be hitting you up with a review of that experience later. Tonight we have a Wrestlemania rematch.....of the match the least people wanted to see from Raw. Christy will go for the Women’s Title again. In the pre-show segment during CSI, JR announced Batista as the new champion with an apathy level on par to Lita’s during her wedding. It’s time to see how much of our lives Triple H will deem fit to waste tonight with whining and if Batista can be a credibly champion or not. It’s do or die time. Let’s go.

Raw 04.04.05

Raw is Live from LA. Show opens with WM21 feature with clips from last night. It surprisingly includes the Smackdown side of things. Oddly enough they also chose to include Batista’s Cabbage patch. They intersperse a section of Stone Cold as Gladiator to set up the actual fighting sequences. We even get to see Hogan maul Hassan (oddly enough Hogan showed up in his Ring attire at the spur of the moment). BTW Cena probably delivered his single best FU ever on Sunday. He followed to move through to the mat to make it look way more powerful than when he just drops them.

Triple H predictably opens the show as he always does after a major PPV (whether he has the title or not is of little consequence). Trips is in his suit, patched up and surprisingly sans Ric Flair. Funny visual of a crowd sign that says "Batista" but immediately behind that person is a sign that says "You Suck" to give the appearance of "You Suck, Batista." Another interesting sign is "Game Over.....Insert Belt to continue." Heh.

Trips goes to speak and gets interrupted by a "Batista" chant. Trips says he admits he lost the title. Duh. He reminds us that this isn’t the beginning of the Batista era because Batista was only great one night (Sadly he may be right). Trips steals a line from the IWC by saying "DAVE was ON." Trips says the belt gravitates towards greatness and that means it will come back to him because he owns it (which is also sadly true). Trips says he’ll have his rematch and become an 11 time champion.

Hunter leaves the ring and makes sure to get in the face of an extremely vocal fan to have a shouting match. He threatens to shove the belt down everyone’s throats once he gets it back before chucking the mike and leaving. Next we have a triple threat for the IC belt between Shelton, Jericho and Christian. But first we have a commercial coming.

Random Commercial Thought: Those little bastard kids don’t have to pay taxes on that profit. We should shut their stands down.

Back to the show. Slam of the week recaps Shelton hitting a T-bone on Edge off the top of the ladder last night. JR reminds of us of the rules for a triple threat match while the three man make their way tot he ring.

Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. Christian w/ Tyson Tomko vs. Chris Jericho (Triple Threat Intercontinental Title Match)

Shelton and Jericho face off, but Christian is mad for being left out and slaps them so they double team him. Shelton hits a clothesline and Jericho follows up with a backdrop before both men take turn owning Christian in the corner with punches and chops respectively. Jericho gets mad for being one upped and decks Shelton with a punch and clothesline combination. Jericho keep Shelton grounded with short elbows and strikes to the head before choking him out on the middle rope.

Shelton comes out of an Irish whip with a cross body for two, but Jericho regains the advantage with a chop followed by a clothesline to the corner and the running bulldog. Christian sneak attacks Jericho and attacks Shelton only to get caught by an Inverted Backbreaker. Shelton continues with a backbody drop, but Christian hangs him up on the ropes from behind on the apron.

Christian hits a textbook neck breaker for two and takes Jericho down off the apron. Jericho uses a Reverse DDT into a backbreaker to pick up another two and grounds Benjamin with a chinlock. Shelton fights out quickly enough, but Christian takes him down with a kick to the gut. Christian goes up top slowly and Shelton catches him to attempt a superplex when Jericho comes from behind to power bomb Benjamin through it in a common little TNA x-division spot. Jericho pins Shelton for two and takes Christian down with the running enziguiri something heavy. Jericho attempts to take out Benjamin again but still picks up only two.

Shelton hits a sunset flip on Jericho but Christian pulls him off with a roll up for two. Jericho then grabs both men’s legs and flips over for a two count on both men simultaneously. Shelton attempts a quick pin himself and everything pretty much breaks down. Shelton hits a T-bone on Jericho and looks to have it won when Tomko takes him out while Christian distracts the ref. Christian covers Jericho for two and Jericho rolls Christian up for two of his own. Jericho hits a springboard dropkick on Tomko on the apron and catches Christian in the wall. Benjamin comes off the top rope to hit Jericho with a huge bulldog and pick up the three count.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin

Special Match "Fact": The only three colors of tights Benjamin has ever wore are Blue, Red, and Silver (all three have silver but one has a more dominating silver with small patches of blue)

Basic Triple Threat match, but awesomely done. Eric is backstage talking to Edge when he says that was a big win for Shelton Benjamin. Edge agrees, but Edge says it wasn’t as good as his win. Edge signs his contract and Eric says he’ll just go tell Batista that their match is tonight, but Edge declines because he wants to save his shot. He declares himself to be money in the bank and exorcises his power of Eric. Eric decides to counter with the same and makes a match between Edge and Benoit for later tonight as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: PSP is way to fragile to do almost anything they show in that commercial. That’s why Sony sells the annoyingly pricey carrying case to protect it.

Back to the show. Orton is surprisingly on the scene. JR does good and puts over how close Randy came to beating Taker and King follows in suit to say that Randy has nothing to be ashamed of after how he stood up for himself. There's a sign in the crowd of a remixed Legend Killer shirt to have Taker’s win streak at Mania displayed instead. There’s a small "Let’s go Taker" chant that dies quickly before Orton starts in.....crying? Orton gets a bit of Whiney Christian in his voice. He says it wasn’t supposed to be this way. Orton blames his loss on his bum shoulder for the failed Tombstone. He says he would have beaten Taker if his shoulder didn’t give out. I must say, this promo sucks balls.

Orton says, while he was having his shoulder tended he saw something on the monitor that made him sick to his stomach....Batista. Orton says that when he fought Triple H and Taker he respected them (like when he sneak attacked Taker and spit in Hunter’s face?). Orton continues to make his claim to being better than Batista. A "Batista" chant starts but Orton says he’s pinned Batista twice just this year alone. Orton says he needs to beat Batista right here tonight which brings out Eric.

Eric says as far as World Title matches go both Triple H and Edge have claims ahead of him. Orton cuts him off and says he doesn’t care what he has to do to get a match with Batista. Eric finally gives the okay for the one on one fight later. This should be good if they play their cards right. Trish is on the way to the ring for her rematch with her obviously freshly dyed hair as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Just to ruin the twist for any DBZ anime fans out there that don’t already know: Brolli’s an android this time.

Back to the show. Christy is dancing to the ring with Gimpy...I mean Lita. Can those pants get any farther up her ass crack? And yes King I sure she’s full of "spunk" too. Trish follows out as well so we can get this thing started. Apparently Trish requested the rematch herself.

Trish Chick Kicks Christy in the head before the match starts and faces off with Lita instead while Christy lays unconscious. Trish slaps Lita in the face and Lita retaliates. The two girls get in a fist fight and Trish takes Lita’s leg out. Trish locks on a vicious half crab maneuver and the ref finally removes her shortly only for Trish to get back on her again, A couple more refs arrive to finally separate them. Trish leaves the ring with both women writhing on the ground (which is an erotic image itself, be-zing) and the match never even got started, which is probably fortunate.

Up next they plan on showing us something "special" with Hogan. But first, the latest episode of Commercial Nation.

Random Commercial Thought: Why the hell is the Smackdown vs. Raw video game still getting commercial time when Wrestlemania 21 for X-box is around? The online feature is said to kick the crap out of THQ’s latest PS2 game.

Back to the show. Uh. 45 minutes and we’ve had one match. I’m starting to wish I had Harry’s "Total Nonstop Action my ass" stopwatch here. JR and King are here to recap Eugene’s encounter with Muhammad Hassan, Daivari and Hogan. Points for Eugene pointing at Hassan as he enters and saying, "Hassan! I know him!" For recap sake, Hassan attacks Eugene and locks on the Camel Clutch after performing his throat cutting maneuver on the "gifted" athlete. Hogan interrupts Daivari’s insults and cleans house after no selling a lot of abuse. Actually to tell you the truth, this segment reminds me of why Hogan was so over to begin with especially with Hassan’s selling of the attacks. Daivari does a good job as well (special points for the crawling like an insect while Hogan had him by the shirt).

When we get back from commercial we’ll be hearing from Shawn Michaels.

Random Commercial Thought: King Fu Hustle is going to be this year’s Kung Pow and by that I mean extremely funny.

Back to the show. Stone Cold’s Wrestlemania promo plays. Heh. Points for having the crowd chant "What?" in the movie scene. Shawn borrows a page from Hunter and enter with a slick, new suit on. King gets almost pissed over JR’s praising of Michaels showing more emotion than he has in his announcing for the last three years. King reminds everyone that Kurt Angle beat Michaels clean and embarrassed the brand.

Michaels says he wanted to say thank you. He said his only two loves are his family and wrestling. He continues to wax nostalgic for a bit before admitting things didn’t work out how he had planned. He wants a favor from the crowd, he says. He wants to know how many people would like to see them go another round. King says Shawn wouldn’t love it because he’d have to tap out again. Nice touch. King’s on the ball tonight. "HBK" chants start again and Shawn says he was hoping they’d say that. He promises he’ll do everything in his power to give the people what they want and this time he’ll get different results, but Hassan interrupts.

Hassan is wearing a suit as well tonight. Was there a sale at SNK’s Men’s Wear? HBK lays across the top ropes and takes a nap(no really, he did) as Daivari talks in Arabic about HBK’s match. Shawn looks on in puzzlement until Hassan translates. Hassan says last night people watched the return of a Legend. He says the world also witnessed a broken down has-been. Hassan is mad because people cheered that Hogan beat him up and also cheered for Michaels losing. He says people having been saying Michaels stole the show, but he didn’t because he lost. Good point.

Shawn removes his jacket and starts rolling up his sleeves while Hassan goes on about how they are afraid of his success and Arab-American heritage. He says they fear him. Hassan goes face to face with Michaels and says that even though Shawn may be a legend he’s still a loser. Ha! Hassan says the Sheep-ple will still cheer for him because losers love loser. Michaels decks him.

Michaels takes both men down and flips up, but Hassan takes out the injured ankle so Daivari and Hassan can double team a beating. Hassan hits the WMDDT before Praising Allah and locking on the camel clutch. Hassan and Daivari leave to chants of "Hogan" while Michaels lays in the ring.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m addicted to Ultimate Fighter. And Ken Shamrock is gonna appear. Cool.

Back to the show. Edge makes his way to the ring for his match with Benoit as JR and King give an update on how Shawn is doing. Benoit has his elbow taped up from the chairshot he took to it last night from Edge to lose the Ladder Match.

Edge vs. Chris Benoit

Edge misses a clothesline and avoids a quick little Crossface attempt. Benoit goes for a waist lock, but Edge escapes quickly again. Benoit clocks Edge in the gut hard twice to take Edge down and knees him in the head. Benoit locks Edge in the corner and continues to knee him in the head. Benoit takes Edge across the ring and Edge finally retaliates. Benoit takes him back down with a reverse elbow and rolls out of the ring to rest his elbow. Benoit chops at Edge on the outside and drives Edge into the security wall.

Benoit hits Edge with a kitchen sink and goes back outside to rest again. Edge comes from behind and Benoit turn to catch him with some chops. Benoit runs inside quick to catch Edge with a baseball slide. Benoit gets back in the ring and rests his elbow some more. Edge gets on the apron and racks Benoit’s elbow on the top rope. Edge lands some elbows on Benoit’s elbow.

Edge continues to work the arms violently until Benoit attempts to fight back with chops, but Edge hits the arm again. Benoit ties up in the ropes to get the ref to make Edge lay off for a sec, but Edge return with more shots to head and a hammerlock. Benoit tallies the crowd and fights up, but Edge rolls through the hammerlock to a reverse Armbar on the ground and back into a hammerlock. Benoit fights up again and hits a German suplex on Edge.

The arms forces Benoit to release his hold, but when Edge attempts a clothesline, Benoit ducks under and hits the German again. Benoit hits another German and signals for the Flying Headbutt. Benoit comes off the top and misses to land on his injured arm. Edge covers Benoit for two. Benoit attempts to roll away and Edge hits him with a Baseball slide to knock him out of the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Elektra sucked ass.

Back to the match where Benoit is in a n Arm bar sans his bandage that Edge ripped off during the break. Benoit breaks free and Edge goes up top. Benoit catches him and starts chopping at Edge on the top who almost falls off backwards. Benoit climbs up top and Edge hits several headbutts on Benoit, but Benoit reverses with several much faster and harder headbutts before hitting the superplex. Standing Ten count gets to seven before Benoit makes it up.

Edge tries to elbow the injured Arms and misses a clothesline allowing Benoit to lock in a sharpshooter. Edge fights his way to the ropes and Benoit simply collapses on the ground. Benoit tries to lock on the Crossface and struggles for a bit before getting it in the middle of the ring. Edge gets his arms free and counter with an armbar take down. Edge attempts the spear and Benoit sidesteps to roll Edge up for the extremely surprising thee count.
Winner: Chris Benoit

Special Match "Fact": Benoit’s eyebrow injury is similar to the injury sustained by Ultimate Fighter competitor, Forrest.

Post match, Edge slams Benoit into the steps and rolls him back inside before grabbing a steel chair and bashing Benoit in the arms several times. The bell inexplicably rings for some reason. Edge retrieves his briefcase from ringside before finally leaving while JR and King recap the happenings of just a couple of seconds ago and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I hear Doom 3 is incredibly good, but unfortunately my only friend with an X-box isn’t a fan of FPS games.

Back to the show where Simon Dean is in the ring with Maven and his Simon System. Simon declares Maven an impressive physical specimen and says that LA people are obsessed with their looks and if they want to look like Maven they need the Simon System.

Maven interrupts to say that he thought LA was full of beautiful people but now he thinks LA stands for Lard Asses. Ha! He accuses them of being and ugly and drinking beer (Hiya Gonzo!). Stone Cold interrupts?!

Stone Cold’s obese, evil twin says it’s good to be back in the arena. He asks for 20,000 middle fingers and gets them....in a jar on the black market. Stone Cold lists off Simon’s items on the table to a series of "What?" chants and gets angry that Simon has a problem with people drinking beer. Stone cold asks what’s Maven problem and accuses him of imitating him by being bald. He calls Simon a "little purple bastard" and makes proposition. He says he’ll try Simon’s shakes is Simon will try a beer.

Simon agrees as long as he can have low carb beer and nothing goes better with a low carb beer as a Simon Shake. Simon finally gets his beer, but Stone Cold first tells him to wipe the stupid pathetic look off his face first. Simon requests a glass and Stone Cold tells him to just start drinking. Simon sips and spits a little out on the ground. He says he needs a few seconds to work off the calories and Maven counts his pushups for him. Stone Cold challenges him to do five more, then five more, then five more, then ten more with a resounding crowd, "Hell Yeah!" Stone Cold says Simon's making him sick. Simon says it’s Steve’s turn and Austin taunts him.

Austin says he doesn’t want to lower his blood alcohol content so if it clashes with his system they better call 911. Stone Cold tries and declares it a rip off. Maven says it’s a man’s drink and Stone Cold can’t handle it. Maven pats Simon on the back causing him to get shake all over Stone Cold. Austin attacks, and Maven runs like a pussy. Austin lays into Simon sloppily on the outside with forearms and slams him to the steps a couple of times. Austin catches Maven and kicks him in the nuts before going back to Simon to stomp a mud hole in him.

Stone Cold finally hits the Stunner on Dean and chucks Simon’s equipment out of the ring before dragging Maven in and hitting another Stunner for the hell of it. We need a commercial rest I think.

Random Commercial Thought: Raw Magazine should never have Hogan on the front. EVER.

Back to the show where Orton runs into Kane backstage in another conveniently red-lighted area (I’m sure being married to Lita, he knows a lot about "red lights"). Kane says Randy can’t beat what he doesn’t understand and Orton says he wrong, and does understand before leaving Kane to his sadistic laughing with JR sums up for me with "That’s weird." Well put, JR.

Orton hits the ring and we’ll be right back after this word from our sponsors.

Random Commercial Thought: Women fight in their underwear at all the "restaurants" I go to. Of course, those restaurants also have suspicious titles such as Joanne's Giant Jugs.

Back to the show. Batista finally makes his way to the ring for his first appearance since winning his title. He hasn’t even spoken a single word since getting that belt.

Randy Orton vs. World Heavyweight Champion Batista (Non Title Match)

I never thought I ‘d have to type "World Heavyweight Champion Batista". Oh well.

Both men lock up and Randy goes for a side headlock that Batista powers out of and Orton grabs his shoulder in fear in the corner. Batista puts Randy in the corner and takes to clobbering Orton in the corner and taking him down with a clothesline. Orton escapes a sidewalk slam with rapid-fire clubs to the chest and takes Batista to the ropes with a European uppercut and sends him out with a drop kick. Orton Tries to pin but gets a two and another two shortly thereafter. Orton takes to the standing clubs from behind and locks on a nice sleeper hold. Batista fights out.

Orton comes to Batista on the ground but eats a hard right to the midsection and two to the head. Batista lifts Randy up in the air and slams him into the corner. where he rams into Orton’s midsection. Batista grabs Orton and slams him shoulder-first into the ring post and out of the ring where Orton rolls around crying "oh shit" several times. Batista shoots Randy lick a javelin on the outside and finally throws him back inside where he hits a dazedly wandering Randy with a Spine buster. Huge Pop for Batista’s Thumbs up/down signal followed by the Batista bomb for a clean three count.
Winner: Batista by way of COMPLETE OBLITERATION

Special Match "Fact": The RKO will be officially renamed the RGKFO for "Randy Got Knocked the Fuck Out".

Post match Triple H comes out to applaud Batista. Batista points out that his name is engraved on the belt right while Hunter signals that it will come back to him as the show goes off the air.

A good show, but not enough wrestling. The Stone Cold Segment dragged and could have been put to better use as a tag match. Also the non-existent promised Women’s Title match was stupid. Still the wrestling we did see was solid so it was a good show over all.

Highlight of the Night: Triple Threat for the IC strap was well done even though it showed all three men had just put in a lot of effort with the ladder match last night. Finish was spectacularly done.

Lowlight of the Night: Trish’s non-match. It was stupid to even have this, and why are they perpetuating the feud between her and Christy at all? This had better lead to a Lita/Trish program later.

Pimpapalooza!

First and foremost, the whole gang gathered to bring you the Wrestling Ringside Roundtable: Wrestlemania Edition. Ever wondered what would happen if the Knights of the Roundtable from Monty Python and the Holy Grail got together to discuss Wrestling and smoke weed at the same time? Neither did we, but it’s kinda like that in a not at all way.

Renee’s Just a Thought has been updated and it brings with it perhaps her most off the wall ideas ever as she comes up with post Wrestlemania storylines.

In Here Comes the Payne, Brad relates his last minute thought before the big event.

Doctor Gonzo brought us all some Acerbic Treats with the Psychic PS2. Can the Sony platform predict the future of Wrestling? You decide! He even found time to get completely wasted and write up the Smackdown! Report.

Harry hits you up twice this week with a brand new Clustershmazz all about this year’s Wrestlemania trivbits and the TNA Impact Review where Monty brown crosses the line to channel the spirit of Pee Wee Herman. What the hell am I talking about? Read to find out.

This week James Walker pulls some conspiracies out of the trunk of his White Vans and Candy. Vince is in cahoots with ROH? Maybe. Read to find out.

Our own big boss man, Sean Carless, gives his Wrestlemania XXI Rant. What happens when 500 lbs men in diapers are mixed in with old farts and championship gold? Just another Wrestlemania classic.

Last and certainly least it’s Canadian Bacon, here destroy all semblance of sanity on the site with the latest Bringing Home the Bacon. Read it if you dare.

See ya all later.

WWE RAW RANT: (04/11/05) By James Walker

Hey kids, it’s your 11^th most favourite wrestling Columnist filling in for the habitual Cameron Burge while he gets his back waxed. On tap for Tonight is Hassan VS Michaels, about 100 minutes of some more bullshit. Well, ok, I’ll stop being negative, I’ll try to be unbiased. … if Triple H comes out first, I’m going to stab a hooker.

One thing I’d like to mention to you America readers: You don’t have to deal with the annoying “Warning: The following program contains content that may not be suitable for all viewers. Discretion is advised” message at the end of every commercial break. Seriously, y’all got it easier than you think.

Raw intro, as we’re LIVE FROM MOLINE, ILLINOIS! Hey.. tonight, only the screecharoos went.. oh well.

Christy & Victoria VS Molly & Trish

Folks… your entire healthy women’s division. I fucking hate how I just included CHRISTY HEMME in this. Ugh. Anyways, Vicky looks hot, because she is. Trish looks awesome, because she is. Molly looks boring, because she’s not skanky. And Christy looks like a piece of shit in the ring, BUT SHE HAS A TINY SKIRT. Standard fare for a women’s match, with Vicky doing most of the work for her team. She and Molly chain wrestle a little, and I remember that these two were fighting for the belt at Wrestlemania 20.. and now look at em. Neat little spot sees Christy get tag and ‘clean shed’, and hit a Suicide leg drop… as in, the weird little split thing she did in the Diva Search, but on to her foe. However, the golden jewel of WWE Women’s Wrestling comes in and teaches Christy a thing or two. She even licked her hand then chopped her… that was so hot. Vicky gets the Hot tag, and the Widow’s Peak is interrupted with a kick by Trish. Christy comes in, and after an intial offence, Molly gets her in the corner. Molly charges with a handspring elbow, Christy dodges, Trish fall down go boom. A roll-up later, Christy Hemme has pinned Molly Holly in their second straight meeting. God Damn.

Winners: Victoria & Christy Hemme

Oh, good, Trish comes in to kick some ass after the match. Aaaaaand here comes Kane.. supposedly to get retribution on Trish’s HORRIBLE Half Crab on Lita last week. Trish runs.. and.. umm.. we cut the announcers to hype Randy Orton’s injury status announcement after the break? Okkkaaaaaay.

Show thoughts thus far: Vicky and Molly are being wasted, and it’s pissing me off. Though, I like how Christy isn’t really being put over as credible.. just lucky.

We come back, apparently for some graphic footage of Randy Orton. … Words cannot describe my disappointment when I found out it wasn’t clips of him pooping.

Orton lets us know he’ll be on the shelf for 3-4 months, via DR.JIM ANDREWS ORDERS. I swear, that guy should be a regular character. Imagine a heel turn which sees him purposely botch surgies. I’m telling you, it’d get over. Anyways, he vows revenge on Batista. Y’ok buddy, you do that.

Stacy, Diva Search Entrant #41, and Clueless interviewer are talking about how much of a turd Orton is (teehee) and how awesome DISCO DAVE is. .. The Diva Whore says she wish Dave would powerbomb her. AND PIN HER! TEE FUCKING HEE. Trish runs in, scaring the girlies.. and Kane runs in too, to which Trish runs away. Kane stops, scares the dickens out of the 3 ladies that makes me chuckle. God bless your comedic timing, Glen.

The Coach hypes up Hassan, and the two chit chat. Hassan says he’s fucking awesome, more or less. Daivari agrees. Well no shit.

Oh, here we go… Triple H coming out. God damn… why must he make his entrance so long? Even the shortened version is longer than 90% of the locker room. Oh goody, it’s promo time!

Trips says he’s getting his rematch at Backlash. Okies, we figured that. He barely puts Batista over, but enough so you can’t really fault the guy. Trips says he’s watched the tape of Mania, and has found his weakness… Batista’s eyes? What the fucks. Dave has good vision. I think his weakness might be, oh, I don’t know, a shotgun to the face? Wait.. his weakness is the Pedigree! Because the Pedigree is the truth! Ok man, what ever. You so know where this is heading… rematch, Pedigree, kickout. Trips continues to ramble until The hurricane interrupts! Thanks, man.

The two trade barbs (Nice line form trips: ‘Listen up, Green Tomato’), and Hurricane quotes the Thing and Rosey follows Hurricane down for a lil’ brawl. The Superheros dominate, so Trips asks for a real match. (Umm… what? Explain the logic, here.) Ok, ring bell rings.. Trips gets a chair thrown away..

Triple H VS Rosey & Remember when Hurricane was over?

NOW TIME FOR AN AD BREAK. GAH.

Show thoughts: Generic stuff from everyone so far, but Kane’s little pause was nice.

The show comes back, and… umm…I realise I fell asleep during the break, but was awakened by Marc Loyd (another thing American fans don’t have to deal with) shilling TAG body spray. Ugh. Anyways, a few nice spots see the Rosey hot tag, where he dominates Hunter, and a double team Spine buster/2^nd rope leg drop. Eventually, Hurricane is left alone via nefarious Hunter tricks, and eats a pedigree for the 3 count.

Winner: Triple H. Duh.

Oh great… a post match promo. He vows to Pedigree DISCO DAVE to the floor. That’ll pull ratings in for sure! Rosey eats a Pedigree and Triple H SMASHES SOME STEPS CAUSE THEY LOOKED AT HIM FUNNY!

Backstage, Benoit gives DISCO DAVE congrats for mastering the Cabbage Patch. Either that or saying he’s “4 REAL” about 200 times. Really homosexual segment here.

Chris Masters VS Seth Skyfire

Say what you will about Masters, but the music and entrance are pretty sweet. Skyfire seemed familiar, and lo and behold, he’s in OVW. Anyways, squash match. Hiptoss, Polish Hammer, Masterlock/Masterfull Nelson for the easy win.

Winner: Chris Masters

Post match, Masters gets on the Mic and says he’ll give anyone a grand if they can escape the Masterlock. Wheee!

A video recap of Hassan’s ownage of Michaels last week, and it’s next.

BUT NOT BEFORE THEY ANNOUNCE THE 2005 DIVA SEARCH. FUCK.

Show thoughts: It ain’t getting much better, folks. God damn you, Cameron.

We come back to Hassan with a Mic, saying no one wants to see him… beat up Shawn again. So, tonight it’s HBK VS Khosrow Daivari! … You know what? I wanna see it.

Shawn Michaels VS Khosrow Daivari (w/Muhammed Hassan)

Daivari is so good at his chickenshit shtick. He has some sweet ring gear, too. Shawn has obvious control, until Hassan (in some fugly yellow tights) distracts, where Daivari lands a stun gun thingy-do-dad. Then a neckbreaker. … Then a Top Rope Leg Drop! Sweet, Daivari owns. 2 count. A brawl starts, which Shawn totally wins. Forearm, kip up. Manhattan Drop, Fore Arm. Fore arm. .. ok Shawn, we get it, you have a fore arm. HBK goes up top for an elbow drop, supposedly, but Hassan cuts him off. Well, Hassan gets tossed in the ring. Daivari rolls to the outside, grabs the ring bell… Ref doesn’t like it, and Hassan low blows Shawn Michaels! Daivari covers... 1,2,3!

Winner: Khosrow Daivari (?!?!?!!?)

Ok, that was unexpected, but fucking cool. I know Daivari can wrestle, but the man just beat HBK… albeit not clean in the slightest. Then.. JR ruins my mark out moment by saying it was an ‘upset of epic proportions’. Screw you, Ross. Oh, and Daivari would make a good addition to the Cruiserweight division.

Show thoughts: That leg drop was fucking cool.

HBK demands Hassan & Daivari in a handicap match. Bischoff says tag. Shawn says handicap. Tag. Handicap. Tag. HANDICAP. TAG! … ok. Shawn will find a partner. .. better not be Hogan…

Boot of the Week/Smack of the Night/Weak Transition of the Show is Shelton’s Ladder running clothesline from Mania. Cool spot.

The Highlight Reel is set up, and Jericho talks about how great the Money in the Bank Ladder match was.. except that he didn’t win. He says he’s been in a funk (EW) and traces it back to Taboo Tuesday, where Shelton won the IC title from him… so, here’s the champ himself, Mr. Benjamin.

Jericho says all his problems started when he lost the belt, now he wants it back. Shelton replies with the ‘world’s smallest violin’ line. Heh. Shelton says he’s held the belt for the last 6 months for a reason, cause he’s the best pure athlete in the WWE. You know.. that very well may be true. Shelty then says Jericho had his chance last week, and he blew it. If Jericho steps in the ring with him again, his problems are just beginning. 1-0, Shelton.

Jericho says we ought to start making Benji’s Hall of Fame plaque now. Teehee. Jericho is a 7 time champ, and has defend the belt in many types of matches… yup. He’s also lost in 7 other types of matches, too. The only reason Benji still has the strap is because Jericho hasn’t been trying to get it back. 1-1.

Shelton says he can do stuff no one else can do.

Jericho asks if he can shove the title up his ass. 2-1, Jericho

Shelton says he can take his fist and create more hits than the last Fozzy album. Oooh, Shelton gets 2 points for that, 3-2 Benji.

Jericho says the next Fozzy hit will he “Shelton Benjamin is a whiny little bitch”. … No points, that was forced.

Jericho knocks over a chair, Shelton flips it back, and the two tackle and punch. Refs come and stop the brawl. Fucking awesome segment. I loved it.

Smackdown Rebound: Who the fuck cares?

There’s Kane! And he’s giggling about “doing it”. Uhh… yeah. And he’s talking to Lita. … Lita says they’r ejust getting started.. and kiss… uhhh… god damn. What the fuck, seriously.

HBK comes out… not for a match. Damn… that’s the only time I wanna see the guy. Anyways, he sucks up to the American crowd… oh crap, he better not. He says “"If I have to pick a tag-team partner to go against Muhammad Hassan and Daivari at Backlash, I want that tag team partner to be Hulk Hogan!" FUCK ME. I HATE THE WORLD.

Show thoughts: The Jericho/Shelton thing was great. Some really good lines in there, and the two have something to do now. Good stuff. But.. Hulk Hogan? GOD DAMN.

Edge comes out with Sungalsses, a briefcase, and a chair. .. I think he’s holding a yard sale. No, he’s announcing the next match!

Christian (w/ The ZZ Top Nazi) VS Chris Benoit

Christian attacks before the bell, which inevitably is all for naught, as Benoit takes control. Chop brawl ensues while Edge says he won’t fail as champ like Benoit did. Heh. Edge says “This company is constantly screwing me”… and I laugh at the irony. He says he’ll use it at Wrestlemania 22… we’ll see about that. Oh, and he brags about his undefeated streak at mania. AND he says he wants to slap JR’s hat off! God damn, now I know why Lita slept with him! He’s fucking awesome! .. anyways, match is going on. Christian is getting owned, and tries to bail, but Benoit pulls him back in to the ring. But Christian gets back on the offensive after stomp arm stomps. Match is going back and forth, and I’m paying more attention to Edge and JR reaaaally going at it. Edge: “I know I’ve never been one of your favourites” JR: “You’ve done some things recently that are reprehensible”… yeeah. Oh, and a shoulderblock to the floor later, we have a break.

Show thoughts: I sense some real animosity between JR and Edge. Heh.

Back, and this match is picking up. Christian goes for a Falling Reverse DDT, Benoit reverses to a Bridging Northern Light Suplex for 2. Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter, Christian grabs the robes, Benoit pulls him off and lock it in. Benoit is bleeding from the mouth. (Jesus Christ.. can Benoit go a week without getting a minor injury?) Christian battles to the ropes… but then gets up and gets hit with 3 germans. Benoit goes up top, Tomko tries to intervene, but Benoit cuts him off with a headbutt. Swandive misses, standing 10 count. Ref makes it to 6, where Christian goes for the unprettier, but Benoit reverses to the Crossface. Christian tries to battle out, but it’s locked in. Tomko comes in, Benoit lets go and takes care of him. Edge comes on the Apron with the chair, but it’s dropkicked into his face. However, Christian recovers, lands the uprettier, and picks up the win.

Winner: Christian

JR badmouthes Edge some more, while I fucking love the fact Christian won a match on Raw.

Show Thoughts: Great match there. The end was good, and really built up the Benoit/Edge feud, while also making Christian look damn good out there. Tons of Peeps signs out tonight, and at least 4 Captain Charisma (That Gonzo was denied form) shirts in the normal TV audience. Christian is over, folks.

We return to DISCO DAVE makin’ his entrance (in gear? WTF.. does this guy just wander around grocery shopping in those things too?) complete with a cool new pyro. JR is all set up to interview the new champ, so, let’s get to it.

Batista talks about HHH wanting to pedigree him, and he’s waitin’. JR brings up Edge having a Title shot whenever he wants, and Batista talks about being hunted, and that’s ok.. but if you ask those baby seals, it ain’t so cool… especially when you don’t have a big ass powerbomb to defend you. Dave actually gets a silent nod form me when he says he’s the man, and he’s not going to be hunted. He’s the predator. Rawr, Dave. Rawr. He flubs a little on his lines, but nothing that a pose won’t fix.

Out comes Triple H… and smartly, Dave looks all around him, instead of just a the ramp. And holy crap, it payed off, Trips comes from the crowd. Batista goes to Spinebuster Trips, but he receives a Knee to the face. Hunter sets up the Pedigree, but Batista back dorps out of it, send SOS to the floor. Batista’s music plays, JR raises Dave’s hand.

Triple says “I’ve had enough of you, you son of a bitch!”… and Immediately, I know he’s talking about JR. Then Hunter goes on to say that next week, it’ll me “Me on you… ONE ON ONE IN MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!” Big pop.. then “Yes, Triple H VS… JIM ROSS”… J.R. looks like he’s gonna puke, and the show closes.

Top 3 of the Night:

- Daivari’s Leg Drop. Damn, put those two as a tag team and make something out of the division.

- The Highlight Reel. Awesome segment that will make the fans decide who’s the face and who’s the heel.

- The Christian/Benoit match. Did it’s job to perfect, and made both guys looking like gold.

Worst 3 of the Night:

- Chris Masters. Now.. I’m not judging his in ring ability, but he’s not going to get over if they keep putting him in squash matches.

- Hulk Hogan announcement. He might be over, but he’ll just ruin the Backlash match… unless Hassan fucking destroys him. But, it’s Hogan, so he’ll go over.

- The Show close. Horrible way to end the show, with no real anticipation for next week. People want to see Hunter get destroyed.. not beat the shit out of a pudgy announcer.

Pimps:

Richard Waters returns with his plea to the IWC: STOP SUCKING.

Harry Simon gives us another great BEHIND THE PYRO: NATHAN JONES. Seriously folks, you just my start lactating from the humour this man spits out. And don’t forget to check out his Impact reviews, either.

Gonzo continues to defy doctors by submitting another Smackdown report AND an Acerbic treats that’ll make you think twice about going to a live show.

The crew (aka Sean) pipes in with The Wrestling Fan’s F.A.Q. Why people are asking about Bacon is beyond me.

And just because I can, I’m going to promote my latest White Vans & Candy. Cause I’m a whore.

Ok folks, I’m out. Hope you enjoyed my own Raw Rant, but don’t get use to it. Cameron will be back next week with his weekly dose of awesomeness.

WWE RAW RANT: (04/18/05) By Cameron Burge

I’m back....and better than ever. Iiii’m, baaack.....What? I can quote Bischoff’s theme if I so choose.

In case none of you noticed, I wasn’t around last week. James Walker rolled his White Van into Raw for me and I must say I am truly sorry for forcing him to endure a show so horrible it almost reached New Year’s Revolution levels of bad. If not for the saving grace of a Benoit/Christian main event, I may very well have incidentally killed my colleague here at The Fan.

Well, James is using a curse to get his revenge on me this week. I’m faced with the prospect of a Triple H/Jim Ross main event and Jesus/Allah part three. This is gonna be a tough one to make it through, I fear.

In other news The Gersh from the message boards is in attendance tonight. He scored some last minute floor seats, and I hope he enjoys the show. We can only hold onto the possibility that he’ll snag an opportunity to hit Triple H with a beer can from a distance. Speaking of Trips he may be injured, so there’s the possibility of this being one of the last times we see him for a while. Cross your fingers and let’s get this party started.

RAW 4.18.05

Coach is calling the action tonight with King, which is at least our first blessing the night. The show opens with JR in Eric’s office. Eric is trying to console the Oklahoma native. He says he won’t cancel the match because announcers are a dime a dozen and it intrigues him. Eric decides to make it a little more interesting by declaring it a no disqualification match. He continues to say that since Flair will be in Hunter’s corner, JR should have someone too. He gets Batista. Whatever.

Theme and pyro open the show officially for us. Coach is happy that JR’s career may be over tonight, but King plays face (??) to him and counters that he feels better with Batista in the match. The pimp the HBK/Hassan match before Edge makes his appearance known for his match with Benoit.

Edge vs. Chris Benoit

Edge attacks Benoit on the way in and sticks him to the corner with punches. Benoit fight out easily and sends Edge cross corner to attempt a German. Edge reverse the German and attempts a suplex, but Benoit holds on and reverses back into the German for five consecutive hits.

Benoit goes up top (the high rent district, coach calls it) and misses completely with the headbutt. Benoit sells the arm injury and Edge sets up for the Spear but misses. Benoit attempts to capitalize, but Edge reverses into that move where he slam Benoit down by his head from behind (If anyone knows what that is called send me an e-mail).

Edge puts on a rear chin lock and then an Arm bar, but Chris powers out into a chop war. Edge attempts a back suplex, but Benoit flips out of it and pulls Edge down into the Crossface. Edge makes the rope and Benoit refuses to the break the hold so he slips outside the ring instead.

They battle outside and slam each others heads into the ring before Benoit sends Edge into the security wall hard and then over into the crowd. The ref comes out into the crowd with them to try and break them up but they fight to the backstage area. Both men get slammed into the various steal structures while the ref calls for help. Benoit takes a hard slam into a filing Cabinet and tries to fight back when the refs and Sgt. Slaughter show up to break things up much to the crowd’s displeasure.
Winner: No Contest

Special Match "Fact": The last object that Edge habitually carried to the ring with him was his King of the Ring trophy that eventually led to the break up of the Edge and Christian tag team.

Commercial break time.

Random Commercial Thought: Stars always shows really good movies in their commercials, but when you turn them on you always get some crap like "Earnest Goes to Camp" or something.

Back to the show. Backstage, the random Diva sluts, Christy the not so random diva slut and Stacy the regular slut are backstage reading about the new Diva search when Edge and Benoit crash through them. Eric and crew break them up. Eric makes a Last man Standing Match between the two and threatens to suspend Edge before we go back to ringside for Trish, the obligatory slut (and yes, I’ve got a different variation on that for each girl on Raw).

Trish uses her old line of "hold your applause." She decides to clear the air and make a fresh start between her and Lita. She calls the Best known slut on Raw(see? I told you.) out and Lita obliges by hobbling to the ring with a crutch. It may just be me, but don’t you usually use two of those? Also, She didn’t have any trouble getting in the ring with it. Funny Side note: Crowd boos Lita something major despite Trish calling them idiots and trying to be a heel for all she’s worth (which actually amounts to a Canadian Dollar if you recall). The "slut" chants start and Trish at least picks up on them calling her that and calls the idiots again.

Trish’s promo dribbles off into nonsensicality, but the crowd saves the segment with a "You screwed Matt" chant. Trish stumbles without a comeback for this for a minute before threatening to leave. Trish tries to continue with some lesbian-ish apologizing while another Matt chant begins.

Lita blows off Trish’s advances (that’s how I describe them). She says Trish made her past year a living hell, but I’d just like to remind her that the burning feeling she has is not the product of the fires of hell, but the onset of an STD. Lita tells Trish that Payback is a bitch before Kane’s pyro hits. Trish turns around to catch a shot from behind by the crutch. Kane stalks her out of the ring before grabbing her by the throat when he gets jumped by...Viscera? The hell?

Viscera slams Kane around and taunts the big red machine. Coach echoes my mind by wondering what the hell Viscera is doing there. Viscera sandwiches Kane in the corner before hitting a Samoan drop followed by a big splash.

Trish gets carried away (literally) by Viscera who looks more than a little creepy fondling her ass....yeah, I’m scared too. Commercial wills take my mind off things.

Random Commercial Thought: When is Will Ferral going to remember how to be funny?

Back to the show where something doesn’t have to make sense for it to happen anyway. Backstage Trish is congratulating Viscera for kicking some ass and groping hers. Trish tries to walk off, but the V-man starts putting the moves on her and says he’s glad to be of service, but he’ll be more glad when she services him (I couldn’t have come up with a better joke myself). Viscera wants a date next week, but Trish says it’s strictly business. Visc (as she calls him) says he likes to mix business with pleasure and if she don’t like she can handle Kane and Lita on her own. Viscera agrees with her point of "taking it slow" and says they’ll take it slow "all night long."

Trish goes to leave again when Viscera grabs her for a kiss that causes her to almost visibly gag into his mouth. We finally get away from that disturbing sight to Tajiri and Regal heading for the ring.

Tajiri and Regal have laid an open challenge for a non-title against any new team and they get Romeo and Antonio, The Heartthrobs. These two guys come to the ring in pink boas with Billy and Chuck headbands. They booty dance up the aisle. God help us. Regal looks as disturbed as I do. Coach seems to have hung out with these guys the other night and they got all the ladies, or so he claims.

"The Heartthrobs" Romeo & Antonio vs. World Tag Team Champions William Regal & Tajiri (Non-title Match)

Antonia starts us off with Regal. Regal whips Antonio and Antonio counter with a cross body into a pin attempt. Regal kicks out and catches Antonio with his own, but gets creeped out by Antonio so he tags in Tajiri. Tajiri looks...scared. King declares them Chip n Dale dancers. Tajiri ties up Antonio’s arm and takes him down into the arm bar, but Antonio jumps up and cuts him off with a knee. Antonio tags out to Romeo.

Romeo eats a shot to the side and Regal tags back in. Regal gets crushed in the corner by Romeo in the gut several times and sells it like he’s been stabbed. Antonio tags back in and continues the assault with a rest hold. Regal fights up, but Antonio tags Romeo back in. Romeo takes Regal down by the leg and goes for a quick pin, but Regal kicks out and eat a series of blows to the face instead.

Regal tries to escape the corner, but Antonio tags in and takes him back. Regal finally fights out and tags in Tajiri. Tajiri hits Romeo with the handspring elbow and avoids the double backdrop by sending Antonio outside the ring. Tajiri hits the sunset flip on Romeo for the three count.
Winners: Regal and Tajiri

Special Match "Fact": Billy and Chuck wore those same headbands. It’s an old standby of gay-ish tag teams.

The Heartthrobs jump the champs from behind and send Regal outside before holding Tajiri for a beating. They lift Tajiri up and plant him with a vicious double STO move. Awesome. A nice first showing for these two if I do say so.

Coach and King pimp the matches for tonight as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Yet another house of wax movie. We haven’t had one of those in years.

Back to the show. Footage rolls of Triple H single handedly burying the tag team division by taking out both Hurricane and Rosey. Backstage JR is looking for Batista, but he can’t find him. The ref tells him to calm down, they’ll find him. Triple H is talking with Flair in the backroom which is obviously not fixed for acoustic qualities. Their voices keep echoing. Triple H ego fucks himself by saying he outsmarted Batista and sent him on a limo drive to nowhere. Flair continues the verbal BJ before we move to Hassan.

Hassan calls New York the most evil city in the world. He says people and especially police star at him with hatred in their eyes, and that’s sadly true to an extent. Josh pimps the tag match and Hassan says that the only person who didn’t hear Michaels whining like a child was Hogan himself. He continues on by saying Hogan hasn’t returned Shawn’s calls yet, because he’s selfish (this is also true). Daivari closes the segment with a little Arabic quip as we go to another commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The first XXX wasn’t that great. Did we really need another one?

Footage airs of Daivari and Hassan taking down Michaels for the second time in a row last week. Peewee’s word of the day hits and Hassan makes his way to the ring. I love Hassan’s background of the Whitehouse, the Capital Building and the American flag. Classic. Michaels follows out in the world’s ugliest dominatrix gear.

Shawn Michaels vs. Muhammad Hassan w/ Daivari

Before he even removes his ass-chaps Michaels attacks Hassan and forces him to escape to the outside. Michaels takes Hassan down with some hard rights and the crowd chants "Hogan." Michaels punches Hassan back to the outside of the ring.

Hassan finally gets some shots of his own in and Attempts to charge Shawn in the corner only to eat a boot to the face. Michaels goes on to reverse a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and goes outside to get Daivari. Khosrow runs and attempts to dive into the ring when Michaels grabs him from behind, but Hassan sneaks in the cheap shot. Hassan goes to suplex HBK from the apron, but Shawn flips through and chops him out on the ropes. Michaels stops himself from an Irish whip and sends Hassan over the top rope and to the outside for the third time this match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Does anyone else find it odd that Taco Bell is ran by Middle Easterners?

Back to the show where Hassan is countering Michaels’ offence. Hassan goes for a pin, but only scores two. He hits a back suplex and attempts the pin for another two. He chokes Michaels out on the ground before grabbing Michaels in a side-headlock which he spins into a neck breaker. Nice. Muhammad picks up another two count.

Hassan puts Michaels in an awkward rear chinlock. Shawn fights out and fights Hassan to the ropes with rights. Michaels comes out of the Irish whip with a flying forearm and nips up while Hassan drags himself back up. Michaels hits the Manhattan Drop and botches a clothesline. He takes Daivari off the apron before going up top and hits the elbow drop. Michaels fires up the crowd and tunes up the band. Daivari grabs Michaels from atop the turnbuckle, but Michaels suplexes him off. Hassan hits the distracted Michaels with the WMDDT, and instead of going for the pin they double team Michaels for the DQ finish. Ok...that didn’t make any sense.
Winner: Shawn Michaels

Special Match "Fact": Khosrow Daivari stole his ring wear last week from Tajiri’s locker room.

Daivari and Hassan hang Michaels up by his neck in the ropes when Hogan’s music hits. He takes his dear sweet time getting to the ring to save a choking HBK and gets stomped on when he climbs in before hulking up. Hogan points at both men before cracking their heads together and punching on Daivari. Hogan takes Daivari down with a clothesline and hits Hassan with the big boot Michaels clotheslines Hassan over the top rope and the two faces embrace (heterosexually). For some reason they feel the need to do the old NWO finger pointing for each other.

Hogan finally does his trademark taunts and rips his shirt to reveal his uh...one pack? Seriously, he’s got Austin’s beer gut going on and his skin is hanging over the sides of his pants. It should also be noted that instead of spinning his hand like Hogan, Shawn skips to the ropes of the ring like a girl and holds his hand to his ear. They spend what seems like three days taunting before we finally go to a commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The game isn’t over. We still got Backlash. How many continues does that guy have?!

Back to the show. Chris Masters makes his way to the ring with his long-ass entrance (ranking number three on the long-ass entrance list for today’s wrestlers). In case you forgot he’s challenging anyone with enough will to get out of the lock. He tells a fat guy he can’t compete because he’s too big to even get the lock on him. HA!

So this guys who is SO not a plant comes in. His name is Roman from Bay Side Queens.

Masterlock Challenge: Roman

Chris starts to put the hold on, but the ref stops him to take the cash. Masters puts the MASTERfull Nelson on and slings him around like a rag doll. When he can’t escape, the ref rings the bell as Roman passes out. Masters takes his money back and fans himself with it.
Winner: Chris Masters

Special Match "Fact": The last two gimmicks like this were done by Kurt Angle (The Kurt Angle Invitational) and Rodney Mac (The 3-minute White Boy Challenge).

King and Coach pimp JR’s match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Anyone else tired of the M Azing commercials yet?

Back to the show. After we sit through the commercial for the Raw Slut(er...Diva) Search 2.0, we get to Simon Dean in the ring when Benjamin interrupts him. Footage airs of Jericho and Benji’s confrontation last week. Jericho makers his way out as well with a microphone in hand.

Jericho says that at Backlash it will be Jericho and Benjamin. Jericho brings out his guitarist and sings his new single "Shelton is a Little Bitch" LMAO. Dean finally attacks Shelton from behind as Jericho looks on grinning to start our match.

Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. Simon Dean (Non-title Match)

Dean goes for a quick cover for two. Dean mount Shelton and hits several clubs to the head before putting on a rear chin lock. Shelton powers out, but Dean hits a big Elbow and a flying clothesline for two. Simon locks on an arm bar on the ground and Shelton elbow his way out, but misses a spinning clothesline. Simon takes Benjamin down with a clothesline of his own and picks up two consecutive two counts.

Dean tries a side headlock, but Benjamin reverses into the Northern Lights for two. Benjamin opens up on Dean and hits a clothesline followed by a knee to the side of the head and a Stinger Splash from behind in the corner. Dean back out of the corner and right into the T-Bone for three.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin

Special Match "Fact": With WWE’s history of racism shouldn’t Benjamin’s finish be called the "Chicken Leg" instead?

Smackdown! Rebound: Mexicans need to learn to love one another in peace.

Commercial time.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m not really sure what to think of King’s Random yet.

Back to the show, brought to you by Donkey Kong Jungle Beat because that’s SO manly we had to put it on a wrestling show. Christian makes his way to the ring with the Oz escapee. Christian is angry because he didn’t get an ovation like Hogan. He talks of how he beat Benoit last week when McMahon makes his way out(?!).

Vince says he can’t stand someone who just talks, but never says anything. Vince asks if Christian knows the reason he chose this moment to make his first personal appearance since the Royal Rumble(because you were in a wheelchair?). Christian says it’s because Vince wanted to congratulate him. Vince says he agrees with Austin, Christian IS a CLB.

Vince says he’s here to announce the return of something momentous. Christian counters with the fact that we already know about the Diva Search. Vince says that Christian interrupts again he’ll be changing his name to Captain Unemployed. Vince finally says he’s here to announce the draft.

Christian says he’d like to go to Smackdown and face Cena for the WWE title. Here’s the best line, "I’ll beat Marky Mark and take his WWE title!" Awesome. Vince says that if Christian believes he’s championship material then he’ll be facing Batista next week on Raw. Cool. Too bad he’ll never win. Commercial Time.

Random Commercial Thought: Jet Li Unleashed? So he’d like into that dominatrix scene or something? Kinky.

Back to the show. We go over the Backlash card and the worlds gayest interviewer asks Triple H is Hunter hits the Pedigree he’ll actually win. Triple H rolls some promo crap of him hitting Pedigrees to blow Todd off( not that way you sick freaks). JR is headed to the ring backstage in his Football jersey as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Lance Krall doesn’t really seem like that funny of a guy so far. I hope his show is way better than that.

Back to the show. Triple H wanders to the ring and Coach declares himself JR’s official replacement. Coach says the match is equal because JR and Triple H weigh the same. Heh. JR wipes his nose once he makes it in the ring and Triple H mocks being scared for a moment.

Jim Ross w/ Batista vs. Triple H w/ Ric Flair (No Disqualification)

Triple H just taunts around for a bit. He reaches for a handshake and JR wipes his nose again. JR refuses to shake hands and Hunter cracks him one in the gut. Hunter levels JR with a shot to the head. Triple H drags him back up and punches him down again. Coach calls JR as having the heart of a lion and cackles madly to himself. I love Coach.

Triple H stalks over to JR and Jim catches him with a huge surprise blow, but Hunter knocks him back down and mounts him for some bludgeoning blows. The ref pulls Hunter off and Hunter simply chokes the ref out in the corner. Hunter calls JR a snot bag and pulls him up to reveal a horribly bad blade job. Hunter continues to drag this piece of crap match on as we all wait impatiently for the Batista run in.

Hunter tears the Sooner jersey and pounds on JR some more. King says he’s lost all respect fro Triple H as Hunter takes JR’s belt and starts whipping him in the head with it before choking him out. King says he’s pissed off and leaves the announce table. King makes his way to the ring and tells Hunter to lay off. Flair runs to attack King and Hunter holds him back. Jerry looks over JR while the crowd impatiently chants for Batista. Triple H pedigrees King so Flair can maul him. Hunter mounts JR as we see Batista is finally in the building.

Hunter apparently didn’t notice that on the titantron while he continues to beat on JR. Batista makes the scene and pounds on Triple H. He decks Flair and clotheslines Hunter in the corner before giving him several shots to the gut and hitting Flair with a spine buster. Triple H comes from behind on DAVE with a steal chair to the back. Hunter goes for the pedigree and Hunter backdrops him out of it.

Batista grabs the chair and takes Hunter out with it. Batista drags the corpse...er I mean JR and place shim on top of Hunter for the three count.
Winner: Jim Ross

Special Match "Fact": The last men to beat JR to a pulp on Raw were Coach and Al Snow.

God that match sucked. Well there’s the show for ya.

Highlight of the Night: The Heartthrobs debut. We’re finally breathing some life into the dead tag team divisions with The Heartthrobs on Raw and MNM on Smackdown. Things are looking up at last.

Lowlight of the Night: Do you have to ask? That JR shit was so terrible. Even the blade job sucked.

Welcome to the Kingdom of Pimpenstien

When he’s not being forced by me to watch horrible episodes of Raw, James Walker is roaming around with White Vans and Candy. This week, he shows how WWE could institute a Peanuts and much more.

Why should you hate Batista? Because Richard says so over in the One Man Conchairto.

Here’s a thought, could Triple H let someone else have the spotlight for once? Renee says, in your dreams with this week’s Just a Thought.

Brad thinks there’s something rotten in the state of WWE and he’s going to sniff it out in Here comes the Payne.

Sean, as always, shows up with the Back-leg Frontkick, now available in WARRIOR VISION. Check it out.

Beer and wrestling do mix and for Dr. Gonzo it’s a way of life when he brings us the Smackdown! Report.

Also Harry Simon hits us with more Classic Schmazz. It’s the very first Behind the Pyro with Sabu.

That’s all this week. Now bugger off.

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WWE RAW RANT: (04/25/05) By Cameron Burge

Welcome once again to the one, the only, the REAL Inferno’s Raw Recap. Where you can get a dose of wrestling with low brow jokes, and angry ranting. I’d like to give a bit of a nod to my friend Kyle, who helps me, on occasion, come up with some of the jokes you guys see here. It wouldn’t always be as funny without him. Let’s get on with this.

RAW 4.25.05

Tonight Raw is LIVE from...oh wait. Um...

Tonight Raw is SLIGHTLY USED from the United Kingdom! Christian will actually be main-eventing for the second time this year in a match against the World Heavyweight Champion Batista.

Pyro and theme bring us to Coach(??) and King. Coach says that he’s in the seat tonight because JR got destroyed last week by Triple H. Batista makes his way out and he’s recently shaved his head to make it look even tinier between his steroid influenced shoulders. Dave is sporting his slick suit and a pair of oddly red shades while King and Coach discuss his odds of walking out of Sack O’ Snacks’ home town with the strap (nearly non-existent).

For some reason King is required to default to face whenever JR isn’t around. Coach says the Pedigree will spell Batista’s defeat, and King says it is pretty harsh as he ate one last week, but he thinks the Batista Bomb will nullify it.

Batista finally grabs the mic to tell us...he’s in England. You know, in case those people didn’t know where they were. In fact he says it three times. Batista says he’s out here to honor a man who’s accomplishments go unnoticed and puts his body on the line for the business. He says this man did something in one night that took Batista two years to do, beat Triple H (Ultimate Warrior?). Well in fact it’s JR.

Much to Coach’s chagrin, JR walks out, looking none the worse for wear with just a black eye and a limp. Footage airs of the heatless encounter between JR and Trips followed by Batista’ interfering to give JR the win. JR give Batista his hat and it make shim look like Batista: Texas Ranger. DAVE queerly holds JR’s head to his chest for a moment and I get just a little creeped out. Batista says he deserved that (What? His roided-up man-love?). Batista talks about how brave and powerful JR was last week. Batista and the crowd chant "JR" until Triple H interrupts.

Viking Hunter (take one look at that facial hair and tell me I’m wrong) is pissed. He says something, but my sound temporarily cuts out (I probably quote it anyway). Batista starts an asshole chant and sarcastically says nobody expected him to interrupt and in fact he was wondering what was taking him so long. Triple H gets ready to tell DAVE what’s going to happen at Backlash. Batista says that since JR beat Triple H last week he should be the number one contender at Backlash. DAVE says Hunter doesn’t deserve a title shot. A "you suck" chants and Hunter decides to use his fallback line of, "let me remind you of who I am!" (Does he think we have Alzheimer's or something?).

Batista cuts him off again to remind him of the matches ending last night with the footage. Triple H tries to get another word in edgewise, but Batista just laughs evilly and plays the footage again. Hunter stand at the ramp shaking his fist (VIOLENTLY I might add). SOS takes his jacket and tie off as he comes down the ramp and pulls off his shirt too as his Viking instincts take hold. Trips takes so much time unbuttoning the shirt that King even comments on it. Batista ditches his jacket and tie too, but Trips backs off from the ring and walks away to grab his mic. The crowd starts a "Na Na Na" song.

Hunter starts talking to a plethora of "What?" chants and says that at Backlash Batista’s ass is his (I didn’t know he had an anal fetish). Batista counters with he fact that the belt will still belong to him after Backlash.

Coach and King tell us that we’ll be hearing from Hogan and Shawn after this break.

Random Commercial Thought: The main character of God of War looks like Quan Chi from Mortal Kombat.

Back to the show, where we unfortunately won’t be hearing about the episode of Hogan’s new show where he takes on his Gamma-radiated rooster in a fight to the death.

JR is back on the horn so I suppose King can go back to his heel sympathizing. JR says it’s a big week for Trish because she has to go on a date with Viscera. Footage replays of Viscera squishing Kane last week and getting his Mac on with Trish. JR announces that both women will be in the corner of their man for the one on one encounter.
In a "restaurant" Trish is asking the waiter if he’s seen a "500 lb black man with a white Mohawk and crazy white eyes." He hasn’t and she’s about to ditch when Viscera shows up behind her. He says he had to go to the drug store....I think you know why. For some reason he needed a whole fucking roll of the damn things. I’m not quite sure why WWE needed to spell that out for us.

Jericho's music hits for a big pop. He’s facing Sylvan Grenier here in one on one action. Fozzy will be playing London in May, but King and JR would rather talk about their new hit single, Shelton Benjamin is a Little Bitch.

Chris Jericho vs. Sylvan Grenier w/ Robert Conway

As the match gets started the crowd opens with a "Y2J" chant. Sylvan attacks Jericho wildly and stomps a mud hole in him in the corner before hitting a flapjack. Grenier goes for the cover, but it’s countered into a roll-up by Jericho for two. Jericho goes for a suplex, but Grenier reverses into a rollup of his own for two. Sylvan locks in a rear chinlock on the ground to slow us down.

Jericho fights out with elbows and rolls through an Irish whip with a rollup for one. He takes Sylvan down with two shoulder blocks and take shim to the corner with some chops. Jericho hits his Bulldog and goes for the Lionsault that misses, but he lands on his feet and hits the Running Enziguiri. Jericho goes for the cover, but Conway distracts the ref. Chris takes Conway out on the apron and takes a shot from behind by Sylvan, but flips out of the back suplex and reverses a big boot attempt into the Walls for the win.
Winner: Chris Jericho

Special Match "Fact": Shelton Benjamin is a Little Bitch will not be available on vinyl.

Post match La Resistance obliterates Jericho causing Shelton to come out and make the save by single-handedly whipping them. Jericho is angry because Shelton stole the spotlight and it’s obvious that the crowd is WAY more behind Y2J. Jericho gets pissed and tries to attack Shelton only to get caught by a T-bone. Shelton screams "Who’s your bitch now?" several times before taking his leave as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: House of Wax looks good. I might be going to see that one. But first I need to Catch Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.....I’ll bring a towel.

Footage airs hyping the Four way on Smackdown. I love that Spinner Belt. Back to the restaurant. Trish takes the complement on her hair, but can’t come up with anything to say about Viscera’s. Trish orders with an English accent to have some Bangers and Mash. Viscera says he’s laughing because he likes to "mash." Also eating gets him in the mood, so Trish says that makes him the horniest guy on the planet. Viscera orders....everything.

You know, I’m just creeped out by this. So fuck it. You can guess. Cut to Christian. He’s telling Tomko to stick to the plan. Flair interrupts and says Triple H is mad. Their job is to beat Batista within an inch of his life so Triple H can hit a Pedigree. Christian interrupts to say that hunter won’t be doing shit because it’s Captain Charisma’s night. He says it isn’t his fault Hunter can’t hit a Pedigree. He tells Flair not to look at him like that in his dressing room before telling him that if Hunter wants some competition he should try and get drafted to Smackdown.....maybe he can beat Michael Cole. AHAHAHAHA! I love Christian. He has Flair escorted out by Tomko when he tries to pick a fight as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t recall Chinese dynasties fighting with ice magic, but I’m sure video games know more than I do...

Back to the show. Footage airs of five weeks ago when tickets went on sale for Backlash. Tomko and Christian come out to some surprising face pops. Christian takes the easy rout to heel heat by saying Canadians are much smarter than the British. He makes a crack about teeth before saying he’s going to prove he’s ready for the main event tonight. Christian says the Unprettier is a real move that he’ll have no trouble hitting as opposed to Hunter’s pussy Pedigree. Christian says that whether he stays on Raw and beats Batista again or if he beats the Ali G rip-off it will be him carrying the torch because that’s how he rolls. Kane stalks out to interrupt our fun.

Kane floors Tomko with a botched punch and hits a big boot on him while Christian runs through the crowd. Kane puts Tomko in the corner for some crushing rams and finally hits a chokeslam before calling his fire.

Backstage some random diva slut is interviewing Lita (the sound guy is too stupid to remember to stop playing Kane’s music). It is worth noting that the diva slut’s lines sound like a newscaster’s when spoken. Anyway they talk of how Kane will kill Big Vis before we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I want that weapon the dude in the Unreal Championship 2 commercial has.

Back to the show. Christian is telling the cameraman to let hi know if anybody comes down the hall as he talks to Flair. He’s bringing Flair’s jacket back. Basically all this bois down to is Christian’s trying to get help since Tomko got destroyed. He wants to get in Flair and Hunter’s room because he’s afraid of being stalked apparently when Hunter stares him down. Hunter is mad about the Michael Cole comment from earlier. They decide to discuss things as we go back to ringside for Chris Masters’ long-ass entrance.

Masters talks about how nobody can break the lock in the states so he wants to see if a Brit can break it. Come on don’t take him up on it guys, even Edge’s ex can’t break it! He tells some people who are so skinny, he’d break their necks to sit down. He finally gets a dude with scruffy facial hair and a Jack Nicholson haircut to take him up on it.

He says his name is Andy Baka’...I mean Baker. Pounds are on the line instead of dollars tonight.

Master Lock Challenge: Andy baker

Masters puts on the MASTERfull nelson and slings Baker around like a rag doll until he passes out so the ref stops him.
Winner: Chris Masters

To make up for that I get to temporarily rock out to Real American while footage of Michaels and Hogan plays before a commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: In no event should you ever try to eat food and drink coffee that fast.

Back to the show. Coach is interviewing Michaels about Hogan. He says there is a pool going in the back on how long it takes the two to self destruct because they have huge egos. Coach gives them three minutes. Michaels does his usual diatribe about having done it all before sending Coach off and bringing Hogan out complete with ugly-ass yellow glasses. Hogan then says he need to make this officially WWE, so brings out....MEAN GENE OKERLUND? That guy still has a job? Gene asks Shawn about Hassan and HBK informs us that everyone knows of his military background...ok?

Gene asks Hogan to respond and they cut an old school promo on Hassan. The end with a "What you gonna do?" bit before we get back to ringside and Christy Hemme making her way out with all the random Diva sluts that got hired onto Raw....oh and Stacy Kiebler. They invite some more women out from some Strip club or something called the Daily Star. The only thing of note here is William Regal’s new book. Well. I’m not recapping THIS shit. No way. In fact. I’m now time warping ahead.

Hassan interrupts the dancing Divas. JR is pissed, I guess he didn’t get to "finish." Hassan speaks my mind by calling them an eight-pack of diva bimbos. Regal challenges Hassan and Daivari to a tag match after this commercial break.

Random Commercial Thought: All I need to get a cardio work-out is to stand up for longer than half an hour.

Back to the show where the match is already underway.

Khosrow Daivari & Muhammad Hassan vs. World Tag Team Champions William Regal & Tajiri (Non-title Match)

Daivari is being torn apart by Regal. He takes Daivari down then pulls Hassan in and takes both men down with headlock take down. He puts Hassan in the corner for some elbows before sending him back over the top rope to join Daivari on the outside. Regal uses a hammerlock to get Daivari to the corner for Tajiri to make the tag. Tajiri floors Khosrow with a straight kick and picks up two with a standing moonsault.

Daivari escapes to makes the tag and Hassan falls prey to some kicks as well when Regal tags back in. Regal uses a side headlock and the ref is distracted by Daivari and Tajiri so Hassan pushes Regal out of it to takes a cheap shot from Daivari. Hassan chokes Regal out on the ground before sending him to the corner to make the tag and do some double-teamed stomping.

Daivari catches Regal on the ground with a stiff stomp to the chin for two before tagging Hassan back in who hits a neck breaker for two. Hassan rakes the eyes and ties Regal up on the ropes to tag Khosrow back in who hits his own neck breaker for two. Hassan tags back in and has a side headlock reversed into a back suplex on him. Daivari tags in and tries to stop Regal from making the tag, but Regal scrambles for it. Tajiri takes both men with kicks and hits the springboard elbow on Hassan. Regal takes Hassan out on the outside after Tajiri knocks himself out with Hassan.

Daivari goes up top and hits a huge flying Leg drop to pick up the three count victory.
Winners: Daivari and Hassan

Special Match "Fact": From the makers of WMDDT we give you Daivari’s finisher name- The Flying Jihad.

Post match Regal tries to hit them and eats a double team. Hassan locks on the camel clutch and praises Allah afterwards. Commercial time.

Random Commercial Thought: What the hell is a Psychonaut?

Back to the show. Trish and Viscera are still in the restaurant when Viscera says his name means Inner organs. He talks about his "other" organ before knocking out a waiter for some reason. I wasn’t really paying attention.

Back to ringside with Mr. Money in the Bank. He’s set to face Val Venus, still sporting his bald look. This is of course because without Hardy and Rhyno he’s the only jobber left.

Edge vs. Val Venus

Edge stomps on Val before he can get in the ring and punches at him through the roes from outside. He then returns to the ring and chokes Venus out on the bottom rope with his boot and chokes him on the rope with a catapult. Edge puts on a rear chin lock. Venus tries to rally the crowd to NO avail and powers out of the hold anyway. Val hits some chops and a back body drop followed by a few more chops and a reverse elbow and hitting a variation on the rock bottom.

Val goes up top and attempts the Money shot to zero heat which Edge gets the knees up for. Edge goes for the spear, but Venus dodges only to get hit with it on the rebound. Edge picks up the easy three count.
Winner: Edge

Special Match "Fact": The Impaler DDT was originally Gangrel’s move.

After the match Edge hits the Edge-u-cution which JR calls the Impaler and then puts Val in the Edge-u-cator which JR once again calls "This leg lock." He then puts on the Crossface causing Benoit to come out and hit several Germans before Edge runs for his life.

Backstage, Coach is talking to his publicist on his cell phone when Flair, Hunter and Christian give him a ref shirt. Coach is told by Christian to never point him again. Hunter says Flair is the time keeper, Coach is the ref, and Sack O’ Snacks is the official one night Problem Solver. Hunter cuts Coach off before he asks Eric for permission by saying that the only permission he needs is from him. Christian tells Coach he looks good in stripes before sending us to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I turn on my TV with tape measurers too.

Back to the show. Trish is still getting her Jenna Jameson on with Viscera in the restaurant when he puts the moves on her after washing his mouth out with some mouthwash. Trish wants to tell him something.....she grabs him by the shirt collar and orders him to kill Kane this Sunday or he’s not gettin’ shit. COCK BLOCK! Trish strips in a PUBLIC RESTAURANT and flashes big Vis.

Coach is on his way to ref the main event. he’s followed by Christian as we go to commercial again.

Random Commercial Thought: Raw diva search?! TIME FOR A VACATION! I wonder if James is open to recap those....

Back to the show where Christian’s music is still playing so we can be sure to have to sit through Hunter’s entire entrance as what’s left of Evolution comes out. Trips stares JR down from the ramp before going the rest of the way down. Hunter STILL gets himself announced as the 10 time champion even though Flair doesn’t. That’s bullshit.

Batista makes his way to the ring and shoves his title in Hunter’s face when Christian attacks him from behind.

Christian w/Triple H vs. World Heavyweight Champion Batista (Non-title Match, Special Ref: Coach, Special Timekeeper: Ric Flair)

Christian keeps Batista down with several kicks to the face and attempts an Irish whip that Batista reverses and just throws him over the top rope to the outside. Hunter distracts Batista so Christian can come off the top, but Batista catches him by the neck and slams him into the corner before slamming him down to the mat. DAVE hits some knees to the gut and a sidewalk slam out of Irish whip for two.

Let it be of note that all the photographers for this event are Japanese. Christian reverses the tide shortly with a thumb to the eye and some chops, but Dave powers through and hits a clothesline. Batista picks Christian up on his shoulders and walks around to hit a big powerslam that Coach doesn’t count the pin fall on because he’s tying his shoe. Trips hits a low blow on a distracted Batista when he’s talking to Coach and Christian gets a two count as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t like the Lance Krawl show.

Back to the show. Christian is on the offensive. Trips hits a cheap shot on Batista from the outside and we get footage of Hunter shoving him into the ring steps during the break. Christian puts on a rear chin lock and JR calls Coach an "incompetent zebra." Christian takes Batista down for two before choking him out on the ropes. Coach talks with Christian and Hunter by the ropes so Flair can choke out Batista....behind his own accomplices backs? That made no sense.

Batista kicks at Christian, but gets tripped up by Hunter from behind so Christian can stomp on him and choke him out with his boot. Christian hits a neck breaker for another two and chokes DAVE some more. Hunter gives Christian some more advice. Christian launches some punches at Batista, but gets floored with a big press. Batista keeps him down with some rights and a another slam before putting Christian in the corner and hitting some shoulders to the gut followed by a crumpling clothesline.

Flair calls Batista to the floor so Christian can sneak in with the Unprettier, but Batista reverses it into an Electric Chair Drop for two. Coach stop counting and says he hurt his hand so Batista hits a clothesline on him followed by one on Flair and one on Hunter to send him outside. Batista hits the Batista Bomb on Christian and counts the pin himself with Coach’s limp arms to win.
Winner: Batista

Special Match "Fact": As Deacon Batista, his finisher was the Spine buster.

Post match Hunter attacks from behind but Batista stop him and takes Flair’s chair from him before clotheslining him. Batista grabs the chair and goes after Hunter, but SOS kicks him in the gut and hits the Pedigree for the first time on Batista. Way to kill the heat for Backlash guys.

JR and King sell the moment by yelling "Pedigree" about 50 times, and no that is not am exaggeration. They yell it so many times it gets REALLY annoying REALLY fast. Here’s how it looks transcripted: "Pedigree blah blah pedigree blah PEDIGREE! ramble ramble ramble pedigree. PEDIGREE!"

The show closes with Viking Hunter celebrating over his fresh kill, no doubt preparing to sacrifice it to Odin later that night.

Highlight of the Night: With only four matches there isn’t much to choose from here. The tag match was solid and really show cased Daivari well. I hope to see the same from him in the future.

Lowlight of the Night: Triple H hits the Pedigree. The whole point of this build was, we didn’t know if Triple H could even HIT the Pedigree on Batista let alone pin him with it. Now they’ve killed that suspense dead. Also I'm pissed that Hunter pretty much stole Christian's huge heat tonight. Christian got Eugene-ized.

Pimps on Aisle 5

Richard pisses us all off with his announcement of the Greatest Wrestler of All Time over in The One Man Conchairto. Be Forewarned: You won’t like who it is.

Renee has Just a Thought about Masters and more in her latest. Check it out.

James Walker continues to hate my guts for subjecting him to the worst episode of Raw in a long time as he struggles through an episode Smackdown while filling in for Gonzo with the Smackdown Report.

Harry Simon is all TNA with Impact Reviews and (coming soon) the Lockdown Recapitation. Just how much of a bad idea was an all cage PPV? REALLY bad.

Sean Carless brightens the mood with a brand new Satire. It’s Hulk Hogan’s new reality show: "Hogan Knows Best!"

Feeling tired? Out of energy? Do you have bad gas mileage? Feminine odor itching got you down? Then find the cure for your ailments over at the TWF Forum where you can always have a good time.

See you all next week, this is your cure for boredom signing off.

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