RAW RANT ARCHIVE
WWE RAW RANT: (02/07/05)
By Cameron Burge
I got no time for an intro tonight folks so here we go.
From what I’ve heard tonight RAW is NOT live from Tokyo, Japan. In fact, it’s
not even from Tokyo.
Notable change to the credits includes Hassan performing his praise Allah taunt.
the show for us to some mild booing. Tonight we have a special Japanese in ring translator for the show. Eric declares himself
to be highly respected which of course earns him boos and when the crowd hears the translator they boo more since only some
of them understand what he’s saying. He announces that tonight Flair will be taking on HBK. Then he announces the two
matches everyone is waiting for: The World Title Match and the Submission match which is....now?!
Benoit enters to
huge cheers as does Jericho. Both men look fired up already before they get to the ring. I think it’s just the heat
of the crowd behind this match. I expect something special. JR feels the need to remind us how you win a submission match.
Jericho vs. Chris Benoit (Submission Match)
Jericho and Benoit tie up in the corner early before returns to the
center of the ring and rolling out of the ring still in the tie-up. the ref breaks them up and the two men go nose to
nose in the center of the ring. Jericho goes behind Benoit with a waist-lock takedown and Benoit escapes. Benoit attempts
a wrist lock, but Jericho reverses into a hammerlock and another Wait lock takedown that Benoit reverses into his own
Benoit tosses Jericho out of the Wall and attempts the sharp shooter which Jericho rolls through for an
attempted pin, but gets no count. The two men start off again at square one to big sheers. Jericho gets some heat by racking
Benoit on the top rope and gets tossed out of the ring attempting the springboard dropkick.
The two men fight out on
the turnbuckle before both attempting a headbutt and falling to the outside sending us to commercial.
Thought: The Punisher once hunted Spiderman after Mary Jane Watson’s aunt blamed Spiderman for her disappearance. Just
thought you might want to know that.
Back to the match. Benoit takes Jericho down from the Irish whip with a running
elbow. Benoit pushes his advantage with a snap suplex and we see recap footage of Jericho getting his eye busted open after
falling from the apron. Benoit hits a German before being caught in what I would call a standing reverse chicken wing. Benoit
back drops out of the move and attempts the triple Germans again, but Jericho reverses out of the third into a half Boston
Crab. Benoit makes the ropes and attempts the sharpshooter, but is forced to drop the hold and pound on Jericho because he
can’t lock it in.
Benoit unleashes with more German suplexes before signaling for Diving Headbutt. The move connects,
and Benoit goes for a Crossface, but Jericho escapes and takes him down with a running forearm. Jericho attempts the lionsault
but Benoit blocks, however he gets caught in the lion tamer instead. Benoit twists out of the Walls and Jericho sends him
into the turnbuckle. Jericho comes running with the forearm, but Benoit reverses into an armbar takedown and into the Crossface
(actually another Crippler Chokeface) The ref calls the choke and makes Benoit break the hold.
Attempts the Walls,
but Benoit scissors his arm and snags him into the Crossface again forcing Jericho to tap. Nice match, but Jericho never got
the Walls on even once.
Winner: Chris Benoit
Special Match "Fact": Chris Benoit was the Japanese favorite
going into this match, largely do to his highly praised tenure in Japanese wrestling as the Pegasus Kid and Wild Pegasus.
repeats the word Japan every few seconds while the Chris’ shake hands in the ring. King creams his pants over the fact
that he’ll be hosting the Diva fashion show, and JR pimps the World Title match as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: I love my sandwiches that much too.
Back to the show where they are live from wherever they
say they are. JR puts over the GRUELING traveling experiences of the superstars to get here because, you know....Flying is
In the back Flair says that it doesn’t matter what country they are in because Evolution is all there is....uh...yeah....Trips
is still worried about Batista. Now he thinks that maybe he SHOULD face Batista which is the opposite of what he said last
week. Flair says the other idea was better. Trips agrees.
Christian is talking to some Japanese dude and Tomko about
himself when he runs into Stacy. Christian says the Japanese guy wants to ask some Christian questions of her. He asks where
he can find Randy Orton and Christian is annoying. Christian makes fun of Randy's pose which is funny, and makes sure to put
over Randy’s concussion. Tomko asks if Christian is challenging Orton to a match tonight....and Christian tell him that
Tomko is the one challenging. Heh. Batista is in action next. Let’s go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
Have you seen Saw? I saw Saw. Saw is one of the best movies I’ve ever seen. Go see Saw.
Back to the show. Maven
is in the ring for his match with Batista. He doesn’t want a translation. He’s mad because he wasn’t in
the Royal Rumble. I blame his pink hotpants. Maven taunts Batista before the Animal decides to make his appearance.
Maven attacks Batista from behind and tries to come at him off the ropes only to gets crushed with
a spine buster. Batista picks Maven up and drives him down with the Batista Bomb for the three count. Match takes about thirty
seconds to go full circle. I'm really disappointed by this because Maven had such a great match last week and then he has
to do the job to Batista in less than half a minute.
Special Match "Fact":
Maven’s pants were originally designed to be festive fresh seal wraps for Gladlock.
Another Smackdown interview
is shown, and this one is of Show with his fake girlfriend. If he wins the title at Now Way Out he says that Batista will
discover that he’s been a big fish in a small pond that will discover what a seven foot shark is like. It’s commercial
time, bitches. Let’s roll.
Random Commercial Thought: Ahem, Skipper wasn’t a fisherman. He was the
head of a tour boat. Stupid Burger King....
Back to the show. Batista is in the back hallway when he finds Bischoff
and says he pissed off about this Smackdown footage. Eric says Batista doesn't want the offer from Smackdown, because RAW is
way better.....he has a point there. Eric at least does well to put over the possibility that Edge could go to Mania as champ
(Smarks round the world erupt into laughter).
La Resistance is out for there match with Regal and his new partner.
Tag Team Champions La Resistance vs. William Regal and Tajiri (World Tag Team Title Match)
Regal starts us off
with Conway in a battle of strengths before Conway takes him down with a wrist lock. Regal battle up and takes Conway down
with the same before tagging in Tajiri who kicks the Quebecian in the face with a baseball slide. Tajiri comes off the ropes
with a head scissors and tags Regal back in. Regal takes Conway down for two with a knee to the head, but Grenier breaks it
Conway finally fight back out and takes Regal to the corner for the tag. JR calls both men Grenier for some reason.
Grenier knocks Tajiri off and Regal is forced to attempt the STF on Conway rather than make the tag he wanted. Regal finally
tags in Tajiri and the Buzzsaw goes insane with the crowd behind him. He levels Grenier with a spinning heel kick and bull
dog goes to Conway. Tajiri picks up two, and then immediately another two with an Enziguri.
Tajiri counters the double
team and chops down Conway before putting him into the Tarantula. Conway breaks up the Tarantula, and Regal takes him down
with a suplex on the Outside. While the ref is distracted on the outside, Grenier grabs the flag and accidentally slings the
flag out of his hands with a big swing. Tajiri hits the Mist and a huge kick to pick up the win and the belts.
Tajiri and William Regal
Special Match "Fact": Williams Regal’s finisher used to be the Regal Stretch
which was in fact nothing more than the STF hold we saw tonight. Of course this was all long before the Power of the Punch,
and most people never notice that Regal doesn’t have an official finisher anymore since he only wins tag matches.
Match Tajiri cuts a much adored Japanese promo before exiting through the crowd. with his new partner. JR and King pimp the
upcoming HBK/Flair match as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Swimsuit shows are like banging
a square peg into a round hole. It’s extremely frustrating, but just as satisfying when you succeed.
the show where Sumo Legend Akebono is at ringside. I don’t really know why. A WWE Hall of Fame thing airs. Ric Flair
is on his way to the ring for what I’m told is going to be a ten minute classic.
Ric Flair vs. HBK Shawn Michaels
takes Michaels to the corner early and turns around to show he okay to the ref before putting a cheap shot elbow to the face.
Flair unleashes with rights and chops before Michaels turns the tables and slices with a few chops of his own.
takes flair down with the obligatory back body drop and clotheslines him to the outside. HBK follows to the outside and Michaels
gets caught by a thumb to the eye. Flair eats a back body drop on the outside before the action move back in. A classic Flair
moment follows with the begging, followed by the cheap shot to the eye again. Slick Ric takes HBK down with a big right and
put Michaels in the corner before eating several blows to the head and performing his famous Flair Flop.
is sent to the corner by Flair and hit form behind with the chop block. Flair continues to work the leg with holds and strikes.
Michaels sells the knee like a champ and takes another hard Irish whip to the corner and chop block combination. Flair puts
the Figure Four on in the center of the ring.
Michaels takes two near falls in the leg lock before turning the hold.
Flair releases the hold once he’s in trouble. Michaels drags himself up by the ropes still selling the busted knee and
Flair goes to the knee again before attempting to bring HBK down on his knee, but HBK rolls through for two, but he can’t
hold it when his knee buckles. Michaels rolls him up again for another two, and then backslides for yet another. Flair "Whoo’s"
before getting cracked in the back of the head by Michaels and going down for the standing ten count.
HBK chops Flair
all the way to the corner before Flair stomps at the knee. Flair goes up top and performs his famous Flair Flip. HBK uses
the flying forearm to keep Flair down and springs up remembering to still sell the knee at least afterwards. Michaels
goes up top and hits the elbow before signaling for the Sweet Chin Music. Michaels hits the kick, and still remembers to collapse
when all his pressure is left on the sore knee. Nice all around.
Winner: Shawn Michaels
"Fact": Michaels has of course never let it be known that he is in fact the original user of the finishing maneuver the
Fame-asser. He has never told anyone this publicly, but he et it slip into the video game Here Comes the Pain. Remember, you
heard it here first.
We made all that match without a commercial break. Let’s take our well deserved rest.
Commercial Thought: I really just hate that Nike commercial.
Back to the show and airs of Kane vs. Snitsky from
King is in the ring to call the fashion show.....uh sorry, but I have trouble typing one handed so I’m
going to try and take a pause here. I WOULD like to say however that Maria has the WORST theme music in the history of sports
entertainment. It makes me long for the musical genius of TNA.
Christy vs. Victoria vs. Maria (Diva Fashion Show)
"match" starts off with....actually it doesn’t start at all because Simon Dean interrupts the fashion show (and forces
me to resume typing) while wearing the GAYEST exorcize suit of all time. Lavender....NOT a good choice. He says the Japanese
need the Simon System because Japanese Women are supposed to be tiny. He declares it the year of the Water Buffalo (that's
Chinese retard). He says that just because they like Sumo wrestlers doesn’t mean they have to look like one. Akebono
stands up in protest causing Simon to backpedal a little before the Sumo Legend takes his seat again.
Simon goes on
to call Christy, Crusty and claims she spent her quarter mil on French fries. That’s really the best insult out of the
three so I’ll leave you there.
King stands up to Simon for interrupting his wank-fest. Simon counters by calling
him Burger King before Christy gives him a double fist in the nuts before bursting into laughter. King cops a feel before
the Divas commence to a-dancin’.
Winner: King and his lonely hands
Special Match "Fact": Was
this a match? Oh well. I just want to point out that Victoria might as well have forgone the underwear at all since she had
a hole the size of my fist in the back of them....hey...The size of my fist?...
JR takes us to commercial....as long
as he doesn’t take us to prom I’m ok with it.
Random Commercial Thought: 55 days until Wrestlemania,
because as everyone knows. We can’t count.
Back to the show. Trips is backstage consoling flair before turning
his attention to Batista. Trips says that he believes Batista needs to take down the pretentious Smackdown assholes. Flair
has a psychic vision of Batista as WWE champ and Triple H as World Champion. Flair officially declares Evolution to be bigger
than the Horsemen thus officially pissing on Ole Anderson’s family name. Batista says he’ll think about it, and
Evolution appears to be in agreement heading into the championship match.
Edge is in the back bitching about how he
is getting overlooked by Triple H’s Wrestlemania Braveheart trailer because it assumes that Hunter will be champ then
(because he will....duh). Edge declares he’ll win tonight as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
Slammin’ Saturday night sounds like crap.
Back to the show where we get a bunch of random stuff with the superstars
and fans in Japan.
Randy is out for his match with Tomko.
Tyson Tomko vs. Randy Orton
Oh how far
the mighty have fallen for Randy top be having matches with Tomko now. Tomko starts by choking Orton out on the ropes. Orton
fights back and suddenly reverts to his rookie repertoire with a headlock....oh boy....
Tomko elbows out, but misses
the clothesline and Randy picks a one count up off the shoulder block. Tomko takes Orton down hard as Christian comes down
dragging Stacy Kiebler. Stacy is distracting for Orton causing him to eat a clothesline from Tomko. The Problem Solver
kicks at the injured head of Orton and punches him several times before putting him down for a lazy two count.
Comically attempts to pull off Tomko’s pants revealing that Tomko apparently doesn’t wear a cup. Tomko continues
to lay Orton down before finally picking him up. Orton punches out and takes Tomko down with the inverted backbreaker. Orton
hammers on Tomko head and chest from behind with his forearm before getting clocked in the face. Orton levels Tomko from his
dazed state with a drop kick before signaling for the RKO. Orton falls out of the RKO position into a dazed state in
the corner and Tomko crushes him in the corner and attempts to do so again when Orton rolls him up for three.
Special Match "Fact": The vast majority of concussion angles end in career ending angles that
involve amnesia and other embarrassing antics.
Post match Christian clocks Orton from behind and the duo of Christian
and Tomko slap the former champ around like a rag doll before Christian delivers an Unprettier to him.
Thought: I need to prevent my crack too.
Back to the show. During the break Orton is carried from ringside while
Stacy and one random Japanese chick look on in random confusion and concern.
JR and King kill some time by recapping
stuff from earlier. Edge’s crap music plays and he makes his way to the ring for our Main Event.
Champion Triple H vs. Edge (World Heavyweight Title Match)
Triple H takes Edge down a couple times with side headlock
take over before Edge works out with a leg scissors to the head. Edge put on a hammerlock before using the side headlock
take over himself which Trips counter the same way.
Triple H bridges through a move into a backslide for no count,
Edge puts Edge in a headscisssor which Triple H counters with a Neshimura head-stand. Edge rams HHH in the corner, but misses
on the second attempt and hits the ring post. Triple H then helps Edge meet the post a couple more times on his own accord
as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I hate my roommates too......of course, I live with my parents
Back to the show. Edge hits Triple H with a back breaker because during the break Triple H torqued his back
going over the top rope and Edge hit him with a suplex soon after. Triple H finally takes Edge down, but fails to capitalize.
the two men are up to brawl before Edge attempts the Irish whips to Back body that Triple H reverses into the Harley Race
knee for two. Edge racks Hunter’s head on the top rope and comes off the top with a missile drop kick for two.
Edge reverses a back body attempts but still gets caught with the spine buster for two.
Triple H attempts the side
suplex, but Edge flips through and take shim down. Edge goes up top and Edge counters the high risk to a pedigree which Edge
counters to a back body drop. Edge signals for the Spear, but Hunter counters with the high knee. Hunter puts Edge in the
sleeper hold, but Edge crams him into the corner and puts the Edge-u-cator on, but Triple H makes the ropes.
to put the hold on again in the center of the ring, but Hunter knocks him off. edge attempts a spear instead, but Triple H
dodges and Edge hits the ref instead. Edge takes out Hunter and gets what would be a three count, but the ref is still down.
Nature boy brings in the chair, but gets a spear as well. Edge grabs the steel chair and attempts to crack Triple H with it.
Triple H ducks and back suplexes as a counter. Both men crawl for the chair. Batista jerks the chair away before Triple H
can get the chair, and Edge is pissed as well, who is standing on the apron. Triple H shoves Edge from behind causing him
to come down on Batista and the chair.
Back inside Edge counters the Pedigree into the Edge-u-cution DDT. Batista
runs in and hits Edge with a Spine Buster when he goes for a spear. Edge finally gets up and turns around to get hit by the
Pedigree for three.
Winner: Edge....just kidding.
Special Match "Fact": The real way to know you
are a real title contender and not just a prop is that JR knows the names of all your signature moves. He only knows the name
of one of Edge’s.
Post match, Batista holds Hunters arms up and stares at the title while doing so causing Triple
H to look incredulously at him as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Edge vs. Triple H was great.
The match was timed perfectly with only a little straggling in the end. overall this got Edge over big time as a title threat
due to how it took all of Evolution to defeat him. Very nice.
Lowlight of the Night: Maven gets squished. And
after that awesome Hurricane match last week? For shame Vince. You should have jobbed Dean or someone else out to Batista.
it for this week. If you haven’t seen the Main page lately go there now. There’s been a major overall and now everyone has their own page.
Also be sure to
check out our new writer James (creator of the name WMDDT for Hassan’s finisher) with White Vans and Candy.
Don’t forget to keep an eye on Harry’s 50 Dumbest Real Life Wrestler Moments as he counts them down by IQ.
WWE RAW RANT: (02/22/05)
By Cameron Burge
Hey peeps. It’s your favorite Recapper,
Cameron, here. The only man who’s ever told the dead babies in the garage joke backwards. Tonight we’ll be seeing
the culmination of months of build around one man that the IWC has divided its opinion over. That man is Batista. So let’s
get right into it.
Tonight Raw is live from Penn State University.
Show opens with recap footage of the Batista story, who unlike
Goldberg can hold onto his limousine window breaking object. Theme and pyro sends us to the show proper. JR wastes no time
pimping Batista’s contract signing tonight and King pimps Chris Masters before both reveal another Edge and Christian
reunion tag match tonight.
Trish Stratus is on her way to defend her women’s title against the entire Women’s
division.....both of them. Footage airs of Trish’s bitchslap on Christy last week which makes me smile inside. Molly
Holly makes her way out, and at least she has hair again. Victoria, complete with Michaels Jackson suit rip-off, strolls out
to round out the trio.
Molly Holly vs. Victoria vs. Women’s Champion Trish Stratus(Women’s Championship
Molly attacks Victoria from behind to start us off and knocks Trish off the apron by whipping Victoria into
her. Victoria body slams Molly before doing a booty dance senton for two. Trish matrix dodges a kick from Victoria, but Victoria
knocks her down anyway and attempts the booty senton, but Trish rolls her up for two.
In the corner Trish attempts
a sleeper hold, but Victoria reverses into a rotating sidewalk slam. Molly breaks up the pin at two and attempts to pin Victoria
with a northern lights suplex, but Trish breaks it up and gets rolled up for Victoria for another two.
Molly and Trish
double team Victoria before entering into a fist fight in the corner when Victoria attacks from behind and rolls up Trish
for two. Molly breaks it up and Victoria sends her outside before entering back into fray with Trish. Victoria reverses a
Chick Kick, but Trish pokes her in the eye leaving an opening for Molly to come off the top with the Molly-go-Round, but Victoria
dodges and hits the Widow’s Peak to get two when Trish drags her out of the ring and steals the pin for herself.
Winner: Trish Stratus
Special Match "Fact": The women’s division hasn’t really been
very good since Tammy Sytch AKA Sunny wrestled.
Backstage Triple H says Batista will be going to Smackdown tonight
and Ric Flair feels the need to recap last night’s PPV happenings. Triple H gets angry when he finds out Flair hasn’t
been able to find Batista all night. Flair says he’ll wait in the parking lot for the animal while Triple H stares on
with a constipated look on his face to send us to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Those computer terminal
businesses are nothing more than glorified pyramid schemes.
Back to the show. Backstage Trish trash talks the GoDaddy.com
girl and Christy before ranting about herself......God I hate the women’s division. Candice freaks like a wimpy little
bitch before Christy tackles Trish in the hall way sending us to Randy Orton who is with Stacy Kiebler. Randy runs into HBK
and has a discussion about Wrestlemania and opportunity. Shawn tells some bullshit story of how unloved he was until his ladder
HBK decides he needs to listen to his own advice and "take" his opportunity. JR and King pimp the tag match
and Batista on our way to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Be Cool is one of those movies that just should
Back to the show where Simon Dean is already in the ring calling everyone fat as per usual. The crowd starts
a "you suck" chant, but Simon doesn’t let it get him down. He makes fun of some random home town hero before being interrupted
by Y2J Chris Jericho.
Chris Jericho vs. Simon Dean
Jericho ties Simon in a hammerlock
before going to work on the arm and taking him down with a reverse elbow. Simon reverses an Irish whip with a kick to the
face but Jericho sends him to the apron and hits a springboard dropkick to put him on the floor. Jericho face plants Dean
on the security wall before returning to the ring where Simon attempts to mount a comeback with a clothesline.
puts Jericho in a headlock on the ground and works the shoulder with several knees. Jericho fights out of the headlock and
puts Dean in the corner, but Dean takes a cheap shot and attempts to come off the top, but Jericho counters with a drop kick.
Jericho takes Simon down repeatedly with flying forearms and hits an enziguiri to hang Simon up on the second rope.
attempts a lionsault, but Simon gets the knees up and attempts to "Simonize" Jericho according to JR. for two. Jericho puts
Simon in the Walls of Jericho and Simon attempts to grab his bag, but the ref pulls it away forcing him to tap out.
Special Match "Fact": Simon’s pills are actually a bi-product of soy. No lie.
Theodore Long recaps last night some more for us to Eric Bischoff. Eric says he’s sure that Batista will be facing Triple
H at Wrestlemania when HBK makes the scene to have Theodore deliver a message to Kurt Angle that he wants a match at Mania
as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I hate those damn trend-setting hipsters.
the show. Wrestlemania Recall has Piper getting pissed about smoke being blown in his face which is ironic since he’s
the one that knows the most about "blow" around here.
Kane is on his way to the ring to face Tyson Tomko........I have
no idea why. Tyson says he’s pissed about Batista getting so much attention because the spotlight should be on him......yeah......Kane
gives him the same look I have right now. Tyson declares Kane his new problem as we get this started.
Tyson shoves Kane back, but Kane clocks him in the face with big rights before throwing him in a corner.
Tomko fights out of the corner with rights before attempting a clothesline only to get no results. Tyson attempts another,
but Kane hits a big boot instead for two. Kane puts Tomko in the corner and shows off allowing Tomko to come out of the corner
with a big boot of his own. Tomko snaps and unleashes on Kane with mounted punches, and continues to put a beating on him
with more rights as he tries to get up.
Tomko puts Kane in a rear chinlock, but Kane fights out and racks Tomko on
the top rope and punches Tyson square in the temple before coming off the top rope with a flying lariat. Kane sets up for
a chokeslam, but Tomko ducks under forcing Kane to counter with a gut buster. Kane shoulderblock Tomko in the corner, but
misses a running attempt and hits the ring post. Tomko attempts to come at Kane with the Soprano Kick, but Kane ducks under
and counters with a chokeslam for three.
Special Match "Fact": Tomko is actually being
inhabited by the body of Test thus allowing him to steal Test’s mobsteresque style and Big Boot finisher.
Ric thinks he’s greeting Batista’s limo, but it’s Chris Masters the Masterpiece in a pimping suit. Chris
tells Ric to watch his match tonight, he might just learn a thing or two. Heh. If he can work it in the ring like that, I’ll
be behind him.......in a totally heterosexual way.......this is awkward. Let’s go to a commercial.
Commercial Thought: The irony is that if you’re high, then you probably WILL forget the people you hurt.....as well
as your name and where you live.
Back to the show. Shelton will be facing Snitsky again tonight, but first: Muhammad
Daivari introduces Hassan before handing the mic over. Hassan says that President’s Day is a day that
should remind us that all men are created equal.....unless you’re Native American or Black. Hassan says he’s the
only one being discriminated against and that no one can defeat him. He says if Batista signs with Smackdown he should face
Triple H at Mania, hell yeah! I’m all for that. Benoit decides to interrupt out proceedings.
Hassan assumes Benoit
is there to declare that he’s the one who wants the shot at Mania, but Benoit says he’s actually there to challenge
Hassan for a match, but Hassan says he’ll accept....just not tonight. Benoit attacks both men anyway, but Daivari takes
out his knee from behind allow both men to stomp on him before Hassan finishes the deed with a WMDDT and a Camel Clutch. Daivari
trash talks before both men take their leave.
Jr and King say that the tag match is next, but first a word from our
Random Commercial Thought: The Carpocolypse is foretold of in the lesser known book of Jed, located
next to the book of Job.
Back to the show. Footage airs of Orton’s victory last week. JR and goes on about Orton’s
pedigree and HBK’s career as both men make their way to the ring. Edge and Christian soon follow suit and we are reading
to get this party started.
Edge & Christian vs. Orton & Shawn Michaels
Orton and Christian tie
up to gets up started before Orton unleashes with some punches in the corner and does his cocky pose while Christian crawls
on the ground. Christian punches on Randy in the corner himself before missing a charge into the other corner and being taken
town with an arm drag into a headlock. Christian fight sup and forces Orton to the corner and tags in Edge.
Edge down for two with a quick rollup before tagging in Michaels . Michaels comes off the Irish whip a Million Dollar knee
causing Edge to tag out for Christian. HBK chops at Christian and commences to slamming the CLB’s head into the turnbuckle.
Michaels whips Christian to the corner and hits the back body drop for two off the rebound. Christian uses a low blow to turn
the tide and tags Edge back in.
Edge keeps Michaels down with quick strikes, but Michaels fights back out of a corner
with rights and comes down on Edge with a Lou Thesz press/mounted punching. Edge tags out and Christian attempts a suplex
on Michaels only to have it reversed into a rollup for two. HBK puts the CLB in a side headlock. Christian attempts a back
body drop reversal, but Michaels holds on to roll over into the side headlock. Christian finally escapes by pulling the hair.
Christian attempts a drop kick, but Michaels catches him and attempts to put on a sharpshooter. Christian kicks Shawn
off and Edge pulls the ropes down to cause him to fall to the floor. Edge comes off the apron with a clothesline on Michaels
to send us to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Gasp! Slammin’ Saturday Night starts Saturday?! I
never would have guessed.
Back to the match where Edge is getting a near fall on Michaels. Edge tags out and Christian
goes to work on Michaels’ back with clubbing shots. Shawn reverses in the corner with right hand, but Christian reverses
an Irish whip to the corner with a reverse elbow and goes up top. Michaels counters with a shot to the stomach and a neck
breaker to finally allow himself to get the tag to Orton.
Orton hits Edge with a European Uppercut and leap frogs through
an Irish whip into a powerslam. Orton catch Edge with the forearm shots to the chest from behind and comes off the top rope
with a cross body for two. Christian cheap shots Orton from behind allowing them to hit a combination Reverse DDT/Side Slam
maneuver for two. Christian starts eating rights from Orton while the crowd chants "RKO", but Orton goes down for two from
an elbow shot. Edge is tagged back in and E & C attempt a double flap jack that Orton reverses into a double DDT.
tags in HBK and Michaels goes to town on Edge and Christian with rights and a Manhattan drop before using an Angle Slam(!!)
to put Christian down for two. Edge takes Michaels out, and Orton attempts to take Edge out when the ref takes a bump distracting
Orton for a spear. Michaels takes out Edge from behind and comes off the top rope with an elbow drop onto Christian before
attempting Sweet Chin Music when Edge pulls his leg out form under him and racks him on the ring post.
There may not
have been any Sweet Chin Music, but Edge and Christian grab some chairs and attempt to perform a Conchairto when Michaels
ducks causing them to smash the chairs together. Michaels sends Edge outside and dodges a chair shot attempt by Christian
to deliver the Sweet Chin Music on for three.
Winners: Orton and HBK
Special Match "Fact": Richard’s
cries of jubilation over the fact that his column’s name now has a current reference to wrestling again are reported
as being heard as far away as Iceland.
Backstage Eric is saying Long only wishes he had action like that......which
is true. The two men face off about Batista when Coach says he’s on his way there. Masters makes his debut next, but
we need a break first.
Random Commercial Thought: Wes Craven’s new movie looks like such utter shit. I
don’t think I’ll even bother to go see it.
Back to the show. Backstage one of the girls is interviewing
Shawn when he gets jumped by Edge. Edge screams "Am I breaking your heart?!" before spearing him through a bunch of stuff
and yelling in his face some more.
Steven Richards is in the ring to get squashed by Chris Masters. Masters unveils
himself with more than just a little style before hitting his now trade mark arm poses. His music is good, I’ll give
"The Masterpiece" Chris Masters vs. Stevie Richards
Masters sends Richards down from a side
headlock easily twice in a row. Masters continues to taunt Stevie before Richards takes to punching him in the head. Masters
gets pissed and sends Stevie to the corner and hits a heavy back suplex. Masters hits a running shoulderblock in the corner
twice before Stevie fights back with some chops.
Masters fights back with a double sledge before putting Richards in
a standing full nelson forcing Richards to tap to slight booing. The crowd basically slept through this.
Special Match "Fact": Until further notice Masters’ Full Nelson shall now have its name
upgraded to the Master-full Nelson. Because it’s more than Full. It’s "Master"full.
More recap footage
of Batista airs as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Queen Latiffa is to acting like Viscera is
to wresting. Fat and useless.
Back to the show where as long as you say it isn't your fault, they can’t take
you to jail for infant murder. Snitsky is one his way for a rematch from last week. Footage airs of his chair shot before
Shelton makes his way to the ring.
Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. Gene Snitsky (Intercontinental
Shelton opens up with some rights and comes off a Irish whip only to get caught in a bear hug. Shelton
hits Snitsky in the head to escape and takes him down with a running knee lift. Shelton knocks Snitsky outside and open up
with right hands and mounted punching before sending him back inside with several knees to the gut. Snitsky put Shelton down
with an arm bar take down and unleashes with a few stomps screaming like a gorilla. Shelton gets put down for two by a sidewalk
slam, which Snitsky doesn’t agree with.
Snitsky puts Shelton down with headlock, but Shelton fights out and
unleashes with several shots and a Stinger splash. Snitsky takes Shelton down with a reverse elbow and goes for the chair
outside the ring. Shelton hits a baseball slide into the chair to knock Snitsky out. Snitsky rolls back in the ring and Shelton
grabs the chair to bash Snitsky in the head with it forcing the disqualification.
Winner: Gene Snitsky
Match "Fact": Post match interviews quote Shelton as saying "I’m gonna bust a cap in that mother’s ass next
time." In other news the NAACP recently set fire to local Raw Recapper Cameron Burge’s house for slanderous comments
in his recent Raw Recap. Back to you JR.
Post match Shelton stands with the chair held high over Snitsky in an almost
"Black Power" type of pose as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Shooting your enemies before they
shoot you is usually a pretty good battle plan.
Back to the show where Flair is freaking. Batista still hasn’t
shown. Hunter bitches to Flair about the situation "after everything they’ve done for him." Hunter finally reveals that
he was the one behind the limousine and the footage of JBL. HHH says that he didn’t think Batista was smart enough to
make the right decision. Flair has a dumbfounded look on his face and finally declares that HHH is a genius and Triple H refers
to Batista as a "big idiot" before the camera zooms out to reveal Batista to be behind the corner. Close the door next time,
Flair. Let’s go to commercial after that anticlimactic piece of shit.
Random Commercial Thought: Do not
attempt to balance a washer on my bottom lip? I’ll take that bet!
Back to the show where we kill suspense before
it even starts. Next week we have Hassan vs. Benoit and Michaels vs. Edge in a street fight. Eric and Long are on their way
to the ring. In case you haven’ been watching WWE since the Royal Rumble Eric tells us what’s going on.
comes out in his pimping suit with Evolution in tow.
Eric tells Batista what will happen if Batista signs the Raw
contract. He also makes a Smackdown reference to Carlito Caribbean Cool, but nobody in the audience cares because they obviously
don’t watch Smackdown. Eric finishes his spiel and allows Long to go give his sales pitch. Long really just goes on
about last night before saying a rivalry between Batista and Cena could be the best feud since The Rock and Stone Cold. He
also brings up the other top competitors on Smackdown such as Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio.......wait a minute. Rey MYSTERIO?!
crowd chants for him to sign with Raw before Triple H grabs the mic and tells him it shouldn’t be a very difficult decision
for him. He also says that he’s the only person that Batista should listen to. Because it’s all about what’s
best for Batista. Hunter says how awesome it would be to have both titles. Triple H draws comparisons to the Four Horsemen
and DX even having Batista be like Arn Anderson.....yeah.......
Batista says he knows what he’s gonna do before
taking the Smackdown contract at which point various crowd members literally scream "No!!!!" Causing me to laugh out loud.
Batista give Evolution the thumbs up before turning it to a thumbs down and decking Hunter and Flair. He gives Triple H a
huge power bomb through the table. He then signs the Raw contract and tells Hunter that he’ll be staying right where
he is and he’ll be taking the World Title at Wrestlemania as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night:
E & C reunion match. It’s just too bad that we didn’t get to see the Conchairto.
Lowlight of the
Night: Batista’s contracts signing. They killed any and all heat for the big moment by airing that backstage segment,
and then the crowd sat on their ass the whole time only responding to the words "Raw", "Smackdown, "Rock", "Austin" and "Batista."
Overall it was extremely anticlimactic for such a huge build
Well if your wrestling taste buds still aren‘t satisfied
then head on over to any of the following to get your daily dose of awesome.
White Vans and Candy has updated this week with a look into James Walker’s secret shame of wrestling. A pain
we all feel.
Dr G has pulled double duty and brought yet another Drunken, Dug-Induced Smackdown Report on top of another rendition of the Psychic Ps2 in Acerbic Treats where he puts his legendary clairvoyant gaming console to the test with WWE No Way Out.
pulls a special trick out of his hat this week with the final part of The 50 Real-Life Dumbest Wrestler Moments EVER! You won’t believe the stupidity that these men can portray......actually you will once you
read who did it.
Payne McLeod is back for another shot of Here Comes the Payne where he voices his opinion on No Way Out and Smackdown’s current scene.
back from hiatus with another installment of Just a Thought. This week she speaks about her lost love Edge.....don’t ask.
Last, but not least
(Actually just last to annoy him) The One Man Conchairto by Richard Waters is updated. This time he explains how you can enjoy wrestling again.
check it all out and get back to me next week. See ya.
WWE RAW RANT: (02/28/05)
By Cameron Burge
Wow, It’s been one hell
of a week. Off the bat, I’d like to say that the local serial killer known as BTK(Bind, Torture, Kill) has been caught
after nearly 30 years (Sorry Sean, it wasn‘t Big Show. Maybe next time). BTK was thought to have been long gone until
he started sending letters to news agencies again as he was wont to do during his original killing spree. These letters eventually
led to his capture when it was revealed he hadn’t been as inactive as many thought. Four unsolved murders were found
to be linked to him the latest having occurred in 1996. This is highly unfortunate for him because this area put the death
penalty into effect in 1994. The bummer about this is we can’t accuse my Uncle Sam of being BTK anymore.....and we were
about to turn him in too. Too bad.
In other news, yours truly will be crucified as a thief on the cross in the big
Easter production this year. Sean may be a man of the cloth, but I’m rubbing elbows with freaking JESUS (take that Carlito!),
and that’s got to count for something. If you don’t believe me as to how big this is check this out. We have commercials
showing on American Idol. Of course these are locally specific.
Kazarian is hanging with the big boys now, having signed
on with WWE. Hopefully he’ll go to Smackdown to have some great matches, but I wouldn’t put it past WWE to have
him resurface on Raw. The sad reality is that he’ll probably just get shipped to OVW for all eternity before finally
getting a TV stint when he’s eventually released to make room for more tits on TV.
Well, enough of my talking.
Let’s get on with this shindig.
Raw’s coming straight from
Rhode Island tonight. Not that anyone cares, but answer me this: What in the blue HELL makes any city in Rhode Island important
enough to have Raw when my town, the biggest city in the STATE and air capital of the WORLD is only good enough to score Smackdown?
opens with a recap of the Batista turn in case you’ve been living under a rock, and didn’t know. Oddly enough
there’s no voices in the entire footage despite showing Flair and Triple H talking, until the very end.
or pyro and Triple H is on his way to the ring in his wrestling gear for once. I can’t really remember the last time
Hunter didn’t wear a suit to the ring on Raw. However he still hasn’t shaven his rapidly expanding facial hair.
I can only assume he plans on playing Jesus in his next movie. JR and King argue over Triple H’s genius during his entrance
which has extended itself to Undertaker proportions by now.
There’s a small Batista chant going before HHH rebuttals
with......an angry glare. Finally Triple H says that he’s not afraid of Batista. Hunter reminds us who he is....literally.
Apparently he really is the game, thus explaining what his big mouth is for, Game cartridges. Hey it was a cheap pun, so sue
me. Ole’ Paulie calls Batista a child and goes Darth Vader when he declares himself Batista’s father. At least
he hasn’t cut off his hand yet, but he does have one thing in common with Anakin, both their bodies are less than 50
percent naturally made. Triple H goes on to put over child abuse, thus aligning himself with Gene Snitsky. Hunter finishes
his spiel and gets Hurricane out here.
The Hurricane vs. World Heavyweight Champion Triple H (Non-title Match)
the ring Hunter goes to work early by slamming Hurricane into the stars repeatedly and sandwiching his head on them with his
boot. Hunter wails on Hurricane’s head then drags him up the ramps and Pedigree’s him. to his credit Hurricane
sell sit like a champ, but despite what JR said the bell never actually rang.
Winner: No Contest
Match "Fact": Hurricane has at least one super power. The ability to job faster than a speeding bullet......or something
Post "match" Hunter says he’ll beat Batista within an inch of his life if he even sets foot in the
arena, because he’s "That damn good." Commercial time.
Random Commercial Thought: When is Bruce Willis
going to realize he looks like a giant walking penis?
Back to the show where intolerance isn’t an issue, it’s
a way of life. Footage airs of Daivari and Hassan laying into Benoit last week. It’s time to see if Hassan can hang
with the big stars. King calls the turban a towel again before Daivari rants at ringside. Some big USA chants begin to get
Hassan in the ring and this match started.
Muhammad Hassan w/ Daivari vs. Chris Benoit
Benoit lays into
Hassan with rights and a few kicks in the corner before attempting to whip Hassan into the ropes, which Hassan tries to reverse
buts gets an elbow to the back of the head for his troubles. Hassan eats more rights before being knocked down by a chop and
taking a back drop suplex. Daivari continues to encourage Muhammad at ringside and actually says some of it in English while
Benoit continues to toss Hassan around.
Benoit attempts a cross face but Daivari interferes causing Benoit to run out
after him allowing Hassan to hit a surprise clothesline and take control of this match. Hassan keep Benoit down with some
shots and a suplex for two before putting Benoit in the old stand-by rear chinlock. Hassan switches to choking thus eliciting
a warning from the ref. Benoit gets up and tries to work some chops, but Hassan stops him with a shot to the back and a backbreaker.
On the ground Hassan locks on a rear naked choke.
Benoit fights out and reverses the hold into some mounted punching
to escape. Hassan comes off the ropes with a cradle for two and goes right into a backslide for another two before attempting
the Sharpshooter. Hassan kicks out of it, but Benoit hits a few Germans before Hassan grabs the ropes to escape. Hassan elbows
Benoit causing him to crack heads with the ref. Daivari gives Hassan the ring bell, but Benoit suplexes him from behind while
he’s still holding it. Benoit comes off the top with the flying headbutt right into the ring bell though. Daivari helps
the ref up, but Hassan still only gets two. Out of desperation Hassan hits a low blow causing the disqualification and the
end of his undefeated streak. The crowd shits on the ending.
Winner: Chris Benoit
Special Match "Fact":
Benoit’s balls of steel have now been officially downgraded to balls of brass.
Footage airs of last week when
Edge attacked HBK backstage to promote the street fight later tonight. They also promote the fact that Batista will.......show
up. No lie. Let’s go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m going to come right out and say
this. I don’t like Trish Stratus. I like the way she looks, but unlike everyone else, I don’t think she can wrestle
worth a CRAP. Sit on that (Tm Happy Days).
Back to the show after an amazingly short commercial break. A new inductee into the Hall of Fame is about to be introduced......Hulk
Hogan......with his CHICKEN! Naw I made that part up. Still, I can’t wait for him to thank his 25 different animals(27
if you count his pythons) for his success in his speech.
Backstage Dave has just arrived when Coach relays the Game’s
message to him. Batista says he’ll thank Triple H when he sees him for unleashing the animal. Elsewhere The Game is
watching a television monitor(why don’t all the wrestlers do that and save themselves a lot of trouble?) and is thus
way ahead of Ric Flair when he runs in to tell him Batista has arrived. Triple H says he has a better idea than confronting
Batista right now as we go to commercial.....AGAIN?!
Random Commercial Thought: The Exorcist: The Beginning
should have been exorcised of SUCKING before being released.
Back to the show. Christy declares Playboy to be "tasteful"
and does everything but give Hugh Heffner a blow job......at least not while the cameras are on her. Shelton Benjamin is out
wearing some not so flattering tights for his IC match. Footage airs of the brain obliterating chair shot Shelton gave Snitsky
last week. Eric Bischoff has declared that is Benjamin gets disqualified tonight he loses the title to Snitsky.....jeez...
Snitsky vs. Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin (Intercontinental Title Match)
In the ring Snitsky takes
Shelton down with a knee to the gut and slams him into the corner to hit some devastating blows. Snitsky pausing to taunt,
and Shelton comes out with some right and attempts a sunset flip which Snitsky just drags him up from and chokes him out.
Snitsky slams Shelton down from the choke for two and puts a headlock on.
Benjamin fights out with elbows to the abdomen,
but Snitsky takes him down with a powerslam. Snitsky attempts the Meltdown, but Shelton reverses into a neck breaker. Snitsky
catches Shelton’s attempt at a cross body and throws the champ over the rope.
Snitsky grabs a chair, but Shelton
knocks it out of the ring and hits a HUGE ass DDT that sees him popped completely vertical in the air before coming down with
it. Shelton then hits the Stinger Splash and T-bone in tandem to pick up the pin fall.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
Match "Fact": The DDT performed by Shelton Benjamin in this match is a rear grapple move of Rey Mysterio in Smackdown
Smackdown Rebound: JBL is the longest running champ in the last ten years, well, not really. but I
won't be the one to tell him that.
JR and King say there is a major announcement for Wrestlemania 21 after this word
from out sponsors.
Random Commercial Thought: Avacor sounds like a word for a suppository.
Back to the
show. Apparently Piper will be at Mania with Piper’s Pit and his guest? Stone Cold Steve Austin. Well hot damn, I can’t
miss that. Jr says Piper’s Pit will have live mics......why wouldn’t it? Some familiar music plays while Chris
Masters makes his way to the ring. Masters is ripped I tell ya. He’s ripped like Jesus. Funny thing, He does the Lex
Luger pecks flex. Footage airs of Stevie’s nose getting broken. They show some backstage footage of Stevie's nose....ouch.
Masterpiece" Chris Masters vs. Some Nameless Jobber
Masters clubs him down early and hangs him on the ropes. He
then drops the jobber face first on the turn buckle before clubbing him from behind. Masters tries to send the kid face first
into the turn buckle again, but the rookie elbows out and attempts to mount a comeback, but Masters hits the double Sledge
to the face again before locking on the MASTERfull Nelson for the submission victory.
Winner: Do I need to even tell
Special Match "Fact": Stevie Richards will be out for a few months now because of surgery from the
Double Sledge he took to the face on Raw last week.
JR is going to the ring for his interview so King treats us to
some gay (literally) Rock footage. I need to wash out my eyes with commercials now.
Random Commercial Thought:
After all the versions of Stacker 2 they've had, shouldn’t they be calling it Stacker 3 by now?
of Batista’s turn again, this time with sound. In the ring JR brings out Batista. Dave is still wearing his pimp suit,
and unfortunately doesn’t kill JR and take his hat as a trophy of victory as I wish. Batista and JR chat for a while.
I don’t really care. some of the worst dialogue in history takes place, but nothing is even being said here. Somewhere
in there a big Batista chant starts. For some reason Batista puts Triple H over as the BESTEST IN TEH EVAR!!111!(Tm Richard)
anyway. He repeats a few times that Triple H is ten time champion in case we forgot. That’s the real reason Batista
will win at Mania, because Triple H needs only seven more.
Triple H finally makes his appearance to end this prattling.
He and Flair discuss a battle plan at the aisle, and JR has already hauled his southern ass back to the announce table. Flair
and Hunter surround the ring and enter simultaneously. Batista takes down Flair with a single punch while hunter cowers against
the ropes. Flair tries to get back up, but Batista cracks him in the head again. Batista gives Flair a spine buster but The
Game still doesn’t want to play. I’d like to point out that Batista has reduced his outfit to Kung Fu Jet Li gear
Batista does the thumbs down again while Hunter beats the retreat, and gives Flair the weakest Batista bomb ever.
Hunter feigns entering the ring again, and opts to throw a fit at ringside while the crowd continues to chant for Batista.
Hunter’s Thor-like Norse facial hair fills with spittle, while he cusses and rants.
JR and King pimp the street
fight as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Mr. Miyagi would have made a better Sour Man.
Recall: Ponytail Hurricane gets beat by Molly Holly for the hardcore championship who in turn gets beat by a door....I
backstage Hunter yells at Eric for allowing Flair to get the crap beat out of him. Triple H says that
next week Batista will be going "ONE ON ONE WITH......Ric Flair..."
JR tells us all the "Iotola of Rock ‘n’
Rolla" Is on his way tot he ring. He should never say that again. King comes up with a few more names for Jericho before Y2J
finally makes it to the ring to face his devastating powerhouse of an opponent....Maven.
Maven vs. Chris Jericho
keeps Maven down early with some forearms to the back and a chick to the chest before stomping a mud hole in him in the corner.
Jericho unleashes some chops in the corner before attempting to whip him into the other and come in with a clothesline that
Maven reverses with a back elbow. Jericho hangs Maven on the top rope for his troubles before sending him outside and into
the security wall.
Back inside Maven drops Jericho face first on the top turnbuckle before pounding on Jericho’s
back on the ground. Maven hangs Y2J’s neck on the middle rope and chokes him before doing the same from behind on the
outside. Maven picks Jericho up and bitch-slaps him back down before Jericho take shim down with a reverse elbow and shoulder
block. Maven avoids the clothesline, but turns around into the running enziguiri. Jericho comes off the top rope with a reverse
elbow before locking Maven in a Walls of Jericho for the win.
Winner: Chris Jericho
Special Match Fact: The
Last time Maven faced Chris Jericho in a one on one match to my knowledge was when he had an Undisputed title Match with Jericho
following the Royal Rumble because Jericho was upset that people thought Maven deserved one for being illegally eliminated
by Undertaker. Jericho one that match in much the same manner he won this one.
Post match Jericho takes the mic. He
says his agenda tonight was that at Wrestlemania he want sot make an impact. He lists off various things we know to be happening
at Mania. He says he needs five other elite superstars and a steel ladder to make his dream match come true. Chris drops the
mic and leaves us hanging as we go to the back with Christy who is wearing white today, and I have the following to say about
Let’s go to commercial before I get a stitch.
Thought: I’d almost forgotten that the Arby’s symbol is supposed to be a hat, not an oven mitt. And oh yeah,
JBL thinks we can’t handle the truth, and since when was Coach a judge?
Back to the show where whoring yourself
out is to be rewarded.....kinda like real life. What the hell is the guy in Christy’s theme supposed to be saying anyway?
Christy has a big picture to unveil and I’m officially declaring this a match.
Christy vs. Common Sense
unveils the cover of her Playboy magazine before Trish Stratus makes her way out. Trish is just about as whoretastic as Christy,
so this should be interesting. Trish is ANGRY. So she turns into the incredible She-hulk.....actually she just trash talks.
She says something is wrong with the picture so she grabs a can of spray paint. She covers the word champion and starts to
spray over the face before Christy punches her. Trish breaks her shoe over Christy’s face with a chick kick before going
Hogan and spray painting slut on Christy’s back. Awesome.
Winner: Common Sense
Special Match "Fact":
The real winners here are those guys living in their parent’s basement, losing the hair on back of their heads and missing
three teeth. You know who you are.
Post match King says Trish has good penmanship at least. Heh. Let's go to commercial,
Random Commercial Thought: That commercial of the dog declaring the truck "his" has to have been around
for at least a year or two now.
King and JR run the Hall of Fame footage again. Backstage Superstar Bill Graham is
talking with Stacy and some random diva about Hogan’s induction. Randy show up and shakes hand with Billy before the
ladies finally ditch. He and Billy talk about how Orton needs to step up and be unique and original.....AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Superstar
tells Orton to think about going out there and going where no superstar has gone before. After Billy leaves, Orton says that
was actually exactly what he was thinking before tossing down his copy of Smackdown magazine with a picture of Undertaker
on it.....shit. The rumors were true.
Elsewhere Edge is pissed about being overlooked by Shawn Michaels. Edge says
he won’t miss this week like he did with the Conchairto last time. But we can’t miss this commercial.
Commercial Thought: "Brothers in Arms" Isn’t that the name for a gay porno or something?
back. Promo for Piper’s pit airs again. JR and King go on to pimp Batista vs. Flair for next week before Edge makes
his appearance. He’s got a snappy new jacket for the occasion. Both men are in jeans and shirts here.
vs. HBK Shawn Michaels (Street Fight)
Shawn takes a leather belt to Edge early while King asks the most retarded
question ever: "Is it legal?" no King in a Street fight you can be disqualified.
HBK continues to own Edge like a rookie
before taking down with aback body drop and sending him outside with a clothesline over the ropes. On the outside The
fights spills over the guard walls and into the crowd with a lot of brawling before Michaels sends Edge back over again and
takes a fans camera from ringside to take a picture of Edge’s tortured face......classic.
HBK grabs a conveniently
placed trash can and slams it over Edge’s head before retrieving a ladder and setting it up in the aisle. Edge comes
from no where with the trash can lid and pummels Michaels on the ground. Edge takes the fight back inside the ring and keeps
Michaels down while he sets up a chair in the ring. Michaels takes Edge down with a chop, but Edge recovers and DDT’s
Michaels onto the Chair after missing his first try. Michaels is busted open on the floor while we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: Man that guy in Guess Who is about as funny as a kick in the nuts....which now that I think about
it is pretty funny.
Back to the match where Edge has Michaels in a rear naked choke in the center of the ring. Michaels
fights out with some huge right hands. Edge is actually smeared with Michaels’ blood. Michaels takes Edge down,
and his blood has turned his face into Blood Feat levels of gore hear. It’s COMPLETELY red. Michaels brings the ladder
inside the ring, but Edge dropkicks it into his face for two. Edge goes up top, but HBK chucks the ladder at him to send him
off to the floor.
Michaels comes off over the top rope before sending Edge back inside. Michales is looking groggy
from blood loss if you ask me while he sets the ladder up across the top ropes in the corner before trying to ship Edge into
it, but Edge uses a drop toes hold to send him face first into the steel for two.
Edge sets up the ladder before scoop
slamming Shawn in the center of the ring. Edge goes up the ladder and comes down with a sloppy splash for two. One thought
here, if this was a come as you are fight, why does Edge have elbow pads on? Edge grabs a chair, but Michaels grabs his legs
out from under him and catapult him into the ladder.
HBK grabs the chair and cracks Edge in the face with it sending
him to the outside. Michaels drags himself up, but falls back down in the center of the ring. Edge dugs under the ring
before producing a Singapore cane....that’s a weird thing to keep under a ring. Michaels avoids the Cane, and counter
with several blows knocking Edge down. HBK grabs the cane and smacks Edge in the face with it before going up top for the
elbow drop. While Michaels is down after the impact his leg keep twitching violently before springing up.
strips his shirt and tunes up the band. Edge grabs a chair and ducks the Sweet Chin Music before low blowing Michaels with
the chair. Edge grabs another chair from ringside to set up the One Man Conchairto. Edge winds up for the Conchairto, but
Michaels punches Edge in the balls.
Edge hits a spear on Michaels for two before crawling to a corner and Tuning up
the band himself. Edge comes running out of the corner right into the Sweet Chin Music. HBK picks up the pin.
Special Match "Fact": Michaels has forged age documents to say he is still 18 to be able
to legally call himself a kid.
Post match Angle attacks from behind and hits Michaels with an overhead suplex and a
modified camel clutch. Angle hits and Angle Slam and stares at Michaels before grabbing a mic and saying he accepts the challenge.
Kurt chucks the mic, and security marches to the ring in nice double file. Kurt leaves through the crowd as the show goes
off the air.
Highlight of the Night: HBK and Edge. Edge delivers once again in the main event while HBK looks
the best he has in YEARS. Overall it was an excellent match. It was also nice that Triple H decided to let the Evolution Variety
hour take backseat to this one by keeping his stuff to the first half of the show.
Lowlight of the Night: Hurricane
and Triple H. Why was this match even on the card at all? It served very little purpose and nothing was said that couldn’t
have been done in a promo.
But that’s not all folks. Borrowing a note from Harry Simon I’m gonna give
you all a Mania Card update.
Wrestlemania 21 Matches:
(possible)Women’s Title Match: Christy vs.
HBK Shawn Michaels vs. Kurt Angle
Orton vs. Undertaker
Ladder Match: Jericho vs. ? vs. ? vs, ?
vs. ?vs. ?
WWE Heavyweight Title Match: Cena vs. JBL
World Heavyweight Title Match: Triple H vs. Batista
you are. That’s what we know so far, and that’s all I have for you tonight. It’s time to pimp things.
Walker has updated White Vans and Candy with a look at what the castaways of the WWE could be up to today.
Harry Simon checked in twice with another Vault
classic and his weekly TNA Impact Review, now with 100% more Voltron.
Sean is back to reveal that he is now the Reverend Carless, and wastes no time by
getting right into the smiting of heathens in the latest edition of the Back-Leg Frontkick.
Payne McLeod has some things to say about both his favorite star and one of mine in the latest edition of Here Comes the Payne.
Renee looks back at her first year at the fan in this week’s Just a Thought. Happy Anniversary.
Don't forget to check out the Drug Induced Smackdown Report with Gonzo. As long as Alcohol poisoning doesn’t get him, he’ll be there to tell you what happened.
last (because I know he hates to be last) The One Man Conchairto is updated. This time Richard rants about why the Divas aren’t all that bad.
That’s all I got for
you. See ya next week.