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SMACKDOWN RANT ARCHIVE: February 2005

DRUG INDUCED SMACKDOWN REPORT 02.03.05: By Dr. Gonzo

I managed to catch the RR, the first WWE PPV I've personally paid for in 9 years. I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed it. The comedy was GREAT and the bad stuff was bad enough to make fun of, while the good stuff (pretty much the Rumble) was done really well. I enjoyed it. Good work, and the heat was off the charts, especially when the RAW guys and SD guys went at each other, and Cena and Batista were left. They were lucky the fell ass backwards into Batista, falling bass ackwards into a superstar in the making, if his booking continues to be subtle. Really fun PPV, and that Eugene commercial was the best.

OPENING
John Cena comes out and delivers his usual bullshit promo. Teddy Long comes out and verbally blows Batista and announces an 8 man title tournament for a shot at the belt at Mania. If Batista moves to SD it will be a triple threat. They better not do that and ruin the classic that was last years match. JBL comes out and bashes Cena allowing Cena to FU him and beat up on Orlando. Joy of joys. We know where this is going. GRADE: C

Kurt comes out and says he will face Rey next week. Then announces the K.I.T.

MATCH #1
KURT ANGLE vs. NUNZIO

Nunzio is mad about Kurt stealing his spot. Angle kicks the grease out of his hair, and stuffs some calzone up his ass for good measure.  Winner: Angle. GRADE: C

Backstage, Jindrak and Reigns talk about nothing in particular. I dream about watching some porn later.

GRADE: D+

Carlito comes in and tells Teddy that his trip to Japan is on hold because the Japanese have seen MTV and are scared of black people destroying their language, and buying up all their SUV bicycles. He also needs to face the board of directors. I can't make this shit up. Actually I can and did, but part of that statement was true. You tell me what it was.

INTRIGUE!

GRADE: C

MATCH #2
REY vs. JINDRAK

A classic in the making. Jindrak sucks up the fucking ring while Rey bounces around like a maniac making Jindrak look like a million pesos (translates to $10,000 or so, so Jindrak isn't looking that good at all). Match sucks. Rey wins, so that is a positive. GRADE: D-

Battle of the brains commence as Amy demands that Joy pay for her dry cleaning. Didn't this whore learn anything from Monica? You save the stain incase a lawsuit is in the making. Dumb bitch.  GRADE: F

MATCH #3
BIG SHOW vs. THE BASHAMS

Classic match here for sure. Like Batista, they come to the fight and get squashed. Unlike Batista, they fucking suck, so no loss here. Match blowed as usual. GRADE: D-

HALL OF FAME INDUCTEES, CLASS OF 2005 Paul Orndorff, Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff, "Cowboy" Bob Orton, Jimmy Hart. Looks like a bunch of fucking stoner dropouts. Paul Orndorff ant the Sheik are the on worthy entrants. Nikolai Volkoff? The man who was bought out by The Million Dollar Man and wrestled his career with a cent sign on his trunks? Bob Orton? Jimmy Hart? It's like choosing a class of 2005 from "Crack Head High". And none of them are cool.

MATCH #4
TOURNEY MATCH TAKER vs. RENEE DUPREE

The only way I see Dupree winning this is if Taker is beat up by Hiedenrich, but he is gonna make up look worthless, like a razor to a French woman. Or a condom when it comes to Dupree and Fifi. Remember when Renee was fucking AWESOME? And he seemed to be the next big thing on SD? No? Really? Ok I stand corrected. I will eat my crackers in silence. Match sucks as Jindrak wanders down in speedos to distract Taker with his sexyness. It works for me as I stop to masturbate, but LUCKILY SD goes to commercial. Thank you lord!!

COMMERCIALS

Match continues to suck as we return. Taker shockingly fights off 3 guys himself, without any sign of Nathan Jones blowing spots to help him out. I guess this match was such a fucking classic that it needed a commercial break 2 minutes in. because Taker works so hard you see. Good news is that Dupree busts out with the French Tickler, but of course Taker no sells and whoops on Dupree, cause this is his yard, yadda, yadda, yadda. He hits the chokeslam and slaps on a TERRIBLY hilarious triangle choke, beats on Jindrak and Reigns again, although Reigns grabs Taker's leg and it is a classic double countout. What a brilliant match from that mat technician. GRADE: D

COMMERCIALS

Back, Big Show is with the world's biggest fag in the world's smallest body, plus Joy Giovanni, not really looking that hot. Big Show cuts a clichéd shitty promo about how is he going to win. Yeah, right. When you lose some weight you fat fuck. I take it back, Joy is looking hot. He then bashes Batista in his own shitty way.  GRADE: D, for Joy's tit size.

Backstage Eddie and Booker meet up and Eddie is being all laid back, while Booker is being all serious and shit. What a pussy.

COMMERCIALS

MATCH #5
TOURNEY MATCH BOOKER T vs. EDDIE GUERRERO
 
Eddie comes out to a HUGE pop showing that a Mania match between he and Cena would be fucking GREAT. Anytime you can have the fans split down the middle you have something great. It will happen between Angle and Shawn, it happened with Cena and Batista, and it would happen with Eddie and Cena. Eddie looks fucking old, and doesn't have many title reigns left in the gas tank (something a few frijoles would fix, I'm sure!). Booker takes control of the match and pretty much ends up being back and forth as the match ends up being won by Booker from a roll-up. The push for Eddie as a heel continues, and this is one turn I can't agree with, although I would love to see some matches where the fans are split, as I said earlier. Those are the fucking best. Match was solid.  GRADE: B

Solid SD again this week. Not as good as last week, but still enjoyable.
 
 

DRUG INDUCED SMACKDOWN REPORT 02.10.05: By Dr. Gonzo 
 
Hello all. As suggested by the man upstairs (Sean, not God, although I do mix the two up at times), I will be debuting a new rating system for matches and segments. Do to my incessant intake of the liquor, and my need to go to happy hour every Thursday, and consequently reviewing this show loaded, I will now have the “Gonzo Alcoholic Intake Rating system”. Each segment and match will have a rating based on boozing that will take to enjoy it. A perfect match will be a “sober rating” because even a person not drunk off of their ass would enjoy it. A great match would equal “a pint of Guinness” or “a shot of Cuervo”, something that will give you a slight buzz, but doesn’t take away from the match itself. Each step lower will be more and more liquor to the point where it takes “6 beers and 3 shots” to enjoy a segment between the divas (mostly because they suck and alcohol makes you horny). Prepare however for the lowest grade I can give a segment. It will be called the “Dr. Gonzo camping special” which will include the amount of booze I drink on average at a night camping with my friends. The last time we went, this consisted of “6 shots of tequila, 3 tequila and squirts, 2 rum and cokes, a jack and coke and about 5 beers”. Needless to say, the “Gonzo Camping Special” is a segment so bad, that you need to be that blitzed to get any semblance of enjoyment out of it. Word to the wise, you will probably wake up with a fat chick and suffer from limp dick syndrome if you attempt to enjoy this match under the special circumstances, so beware. This system does not take into account weight, height, color or creed. It is an average of what it would take an average person to get fucked up. Enjoy the new system all!

LIVE (as in taped 3 days ago) From JAPAN!!!!

MATCH #1 EDDIE vs. KENZO
Crowd chants “Krenzo suck-aru!!!” as Kenzo enters. I have no idea what that means. But if it is English, their English is MUCH better than my Japanese. The only Japanese I know is “have sex with me you slut”. Works every time. Kenzo gets his ass kicked, and I realize how un over you have to be if a Mexican, in Japan, is beating up your Japanese star. Oh well, Kenzo is still the Gold Warrior to me, no matter what his racist countrymen think. Match was terrible.

BOOZE-O-METER: 6 Beers, a shot and a kick in the nuts.

SEGMENT
Kurt is backstage being thankful for his bye in the tourney all the way to the finals. Reigns cuts a good promo against Taker saying how he’s going to job to him at “No Mercy”. This Reigns is a giver, and he knows his role.

BOOZE-O-METER: 2 beers.

MATCH #2 BASHAMS vs. JINDRAK & REIGNS
I see at least 3 shots with this one. Jindrak gets whooped as the crowd sits quietly and enjoys the atmosphere of watching shitty white guys stink up the ring. Jindrak battles back until the Undertaker runs in (slowly, and even slower when you are loaded) and beats up on Jindrak as Reigns, being the strong heel that he is, runs away, taking the Orton way out of a fight. Cause he’s a bitch.

BOOZE-O-METER: 4 shots
 
SEGMENT
JOY GIOVANNI shoots shirts into the crowd. Christy Hemme is much hotter, and wins this contest of brainless hoebags with guns.

BOOZE-O-METER: 5 beers, so I can maintain my boner and fuck her good

SEGMENT
Hiroko bashes Torrie Wilson, because even in Japan Torrie is hotter than her.

BOOZE-O-METER: 10 beers, for the amount of booze it would take me to fuck Hiroko.

SEGMENT
JBL is backstage with Amy Weber. JBL hands her a tranquilizer gun that was used on Big Show years ago it seems. She then proceeds to shoot him in the ass.

BOOZE-O-METER: 7 shots to make me forget shooting anything into JBL’s ass.

MATCH #3 CHAVO vs. FUNAKI
Match is pretty quick from the start as this is probably what the crowd is looking for, Michinoku Pro in the HIZOUSE!! Chavo takes over, Pearl Harboring Funaki (HA, get it, this is irony here kids!!) and dominates until Funaki hits a vicious chop and hits the tornado DDT off the top for the win.

BOOZE-O-METER: 3 beers and a shot

SEGMENT
Carlito is backstage bragging about “de-colorizing” the SD GM office until JBL comes in and smacktalks him. OJ comes in and JBL tells him to whoop up Cena, and then fights with Godzilla.
BOOZE-O-METER: 3 beers, this shit was so fucked up you don’t need to be that drunk to enjoy it.

MATCH #4 JOHN CENA vs. OJ
Cena’s matches are becoming a joke, and are in Bret Hart and Ric Flair in terms of predictability. Let me tell you how this happens: OJ gets some offense, Cena “Hulks Up”, clothesline, 5 knuckle shuffle, FU, goodbye.

BOOZE-O-METER: If you hate face Cena like I do, then 6 beers and a shot. If you love Cena, then you are a poser and only pretend to drink you bitch. Go to hell.

MATCH #5 HIROKO vs. TORRIE
Classic in the making here ladies and gents. Hiroko throws the dreaded Mr. Fuji salt and gets her ass kicked anyway. She wears socks under her Kimono like any sexy lady does. BOOZE-O-METER: 5 beers and 2 shots, enough booze to fuck Hiroko and last long enough to do Torrie too.

SEGMENT
JBL comes down with Godzilla and JBL strips down to his panties after bashing the Japanese in general. Big Show comes out and it turns out to be a ruse and JBL attacks, and the cabinet runs out, but Big Show no sells and kicks their ass. He then eats 5 Japanese kids wrapped in rice, calling them, “flap japs” and an hour later claims to be hungry again.

BOOZE-O-METER: 7 beers, 3 shots.
 
MATCH #6 REY vs. KURT ANGLE
This is another match for the tourney. Rey is the only man dwarfed in height by Japanese people. He should be ashamed of himself. I really can’t do this match justice calling it, let me jut tell you, it is GREAT. Once again Angle and Rey pull out a solid match all the way, and Angle pulls out the victory with the Ankle lock. This was a great free TV match that had the crowd going, and made for a great way to end the show. Best TV match of the year so far, definitely for SD. BOOZE-O-METER: 1 beer, just to relax.

Hope you all enjoyed the new review system. Once again I thank Sean for bringing it up. If there are any ideas on how to tweak it, just let me know. Later fuckers.

 
DRUG INDUCED SMACKDOWN REPORT 02.17.05.

OPENING MATCH #1
REY vs. A BASHAM?

Rey announces Eddie as his tag partner on Sunday. They lie, they cheat, they steal, they pick fruit, leech of the system and they are soon to be your tag team champs! I am just kidding! I love Mexicans especially when they cut my lawn, properly! Oh ah! Zing! Just kidding again! Seriously though Mexicans are great, for me to poop on! Especially the girls, they like a Cleveland steamer on their chests for some reason, those sick, sexy sluts. Speaking of Cleveland, we are LIVE (2 days ago) from there. Match sucks. Mysterio kills him dead.

BOOZE-O-METER: 3 shots of tequila

SEGMENT
JBL yells at teddy long for not protecting him from Batista, and thinks Long is setting him up so Batista will join Smackdown. Clever booking actually.

COMMERCIALS

MATCH #2
SPIKE, CHAVO & AKIO vs. SHANNON MOORE, FUNAKI & PAUL LONDON
So I take it Chavo is a heel again? Showing the importance of the match, the whores parade out with their names written on signs, which strangely enough, are misspelled. Stupid wenches. Match is pretty damn fast paced and ends with Funaki ending the match with a superkick on Spike for the pin.

BOOZE-O-METER: 3 beers, decent match

COMMERCIALS

MATCH #3
KURT ANGLE INVITATIONAL KURT vs. DANNY GIMONDO
This guy looks like a short fat Kanyon, with no talent. He actually has as much in ring time as Kanyon in this match, however and lasts a minute and a half, ending in an ankle-lock by Kurt. BOOZE-O-METER: 3 beers, don't need too much to enjoy Kurt Angle kicking the shit out of a loser.

COMMERCIALS

MATCH #4 BOOKER T vs. JOHN CENA
A battle of the SUPER faces here, although I was being sarcastic about them both. You know what's funny, at some point in both these guys career (Booker in the past, Cena right now), they have both blatantly ripped off the Rock. Just drunken thought for you to chew on, although if you combined Booker T, and John Cena, you would probably get the Rock, not only in hue, but in move set as well! Just call me Dr. Frankenstein. Speaking of Frankenstein, this match is an abortion, mostly because they have a legitimate street thug, getting his ass kicked by a fake one. I would love to see Cena survive on the streets of Houston. "Come on baby! Please don't kill me, I suck yo dick off! Just call me Michael Cole". What a poser. Cena wins and heads to the finals to meet King Kurt.

BOOZE-O-METER: 3 shots and 3 beers to make you fucked up enough to believe that a rapping cracka could beat up a legit street thug who has had a jail sentence. He's dropped the soap in the shower, but has never had to take it in the ass like this.

SEGMENT
JBL is in the back bashing Amy Webber (verbally, not with his hand unfortunately), and yells at his cabinet. Orlando Jordan then hands JBL his glasses so he will actually stop yelling at a cabinet, and yell at the Bashams instead. We cut to Big Show, who looks like a horse stepped in some shit and then kicked him in the mouth , right above his lip giving him a crappy moustache. Big Show says something about the "whoriest of horror movies" and I zone out. Booker then bashes on Heidenrich who is composing something that will generally make poet laureates take their own life because it is so good. This will obviously lead to a match at "no Mercy" or "Mania". This booking on the fly shit is awful.

BOOZE-O-METER: 6 shots, and 2 beers.

MATCH #5 LUTHER REIGNS vs. NUNZIO
Luther has a bald spot directly on the top of his head. He looks like a Donald Duck cartoon when someone had their head run over by a lawn mower. He's got that same horseshoe shit that Big Shoe does. They talk about Reign's prison time, and this is more like it. A legit prisoner who kicks the crap out of a fake greasy I-talian mobster. Now THAT'S life folks. Speaking of real life, stay tuned to watch an undead zombie fight some jobber (meaning Jindrak). Reigns then dedicates the beating of the greasy I-talian to the Taker. Reigns must have forgotten when Taker beat a whole GROUP of I-talians, 3 on 1. Because he is undead you see. Reigns cuts a promo on Taker calling the ring his yard. He then drops trou and pisses on Brian Hebner. This cues the gong and we head to commercial.

BOOZE-O-METER: 7 shots
 
COMMERCIALS
MATCH TAKER vs. JINDRAK #6
We return to the gong and thousands of smurfs are thrown into a blender to make Taker's blue fog. That's the power of the undead working. The undead man bashes the jobber to the crowds delight. He even manages to beat up on BOTH guys, because he is dead and feels no pain. He beats the shit out of Jindrak, whose highlight in the ring is his punch, just like future hall of famer Chuck Palumbo. He wins and as Reigns enters the ring to innocently videotape the pinfall, Taker gets up and hits his head on the camera, and it LOOKS like Reigns tried to hit him. That Taker is Cluseau-esqu. A fucking clutz!

BOOZE-O-METER: 5 shots, 5 beers and a nap.

COMMERCIALS

SEGMENT
Carlito is in the back and bashes Teddy for being a joke. Teddy proves his point by saying "No Way Out" will be the "best PPV ever". He says his main job is to sign Batista. Can't argue there, but they are pushing Batista too quick already. They need to take it easy with him before the fans revolt.

BOOZE-O-METER: 1 beer, just because you don't have to be drunk to enjoy Carlito's hair.

SEGMENT
Josh Matthews is in the back drooling over John Cena. Kurt comes back and bashes Cena. Cena then breaks out into a variation "I love you babe", while Josh Matthews goes down on him. That was just creepy.

BOOZE-O-METER: A bottle of vodka to wash away those memories.

COMMERCIALS

SEGMENT
JBL bashes Batista and forces him to show up in a Mercedes. He then bashes the limousine of JBL. Hasn't this fucker learned ANYTHING from Ric Flair? He does look stylin and profiling in his suit..Uh, Micheal Cole told me that. What a fag, huh? That's what I called him. The limo bashing goes on for an eternity, and ends with Batista ripping the horns off of it. I wonder if that's what he did with his cow of a wife! Haha, I keed, I've never seen his wife. JBL sends his crew after Batista in the back, and Big Show comes out and JBL is READY. Ready to get his ass kicked! He does, until his buddies show up, but then Batista shows up and beats up on JBL's cabinet, and then he beats up on the Basham's and Orlando to boot! I like how Big Show is a non-factor in the title scene right now. Big Show then gets up and stares at Batista. Intrigue! Not really.

BOOZE-O-METER: 4 shots, and 3 beers, and a Ric Flair DVD so Batista knows NOT to destroy limos!

OVERALL ALCOHOL INTAKE: 28 shots, 20 beers, and guaranteed limp dick syndrome. Ranks as a SD you would want to pass out ¼ of the way through, and fall asleep in your own vomit. Even then it would make for a better night than this.

 
 
DRUG INDUCED SMACKDOWN REPORT 02.24.05.

People have been asking me how I plan to mourn the loss of one of my all time favorite authors. Well this weekend I am heading out to Vegas and plan to go fucking nuts in memory of that guy, so look out for me on the news. I'll be complaining of seeing lizards in a bar, and talking about a monkey at the Circus Circus merry go round bar.

SD opens to an invitation from JBL to a celebration. It's a black tie event. I don't like the sound of that already, with Mr. Nazi walk in the ring.

Recap of Batista's turn, and the crowd going ape-shit for him.

MATCH #1
TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
REY & EDDIE © vs. THE BASHAMS

It's the dreaded "re-match clause" here. Unfortunately he always brought me the worst gifts. I always thought it was my dad in that costume. Anyway, the crowd loves them some Eddie, which makes me think that everyone backstage is deaf and can't hear the chants. It's probably why the booked Linda McMahon on the show tonight. "TE-DD-Y LO-NG, SC-R-EW Y-O-U, YOU A-RE THE F-I-R-ED!" Match is pretty slow until Rey hits Eddie with a 619 on accident. Why must the brown man kill other brown men? A hot finish sees the 619, Frog Splash and dropping the dime on a Basham for the win.

BOOZE-O-METER: 3 beers and a shot.

Highlight of Angle vs. Cena

SEGMENT
OJ LOOSE IN A WHITE WOMAN'S LOCKER ROOM!!!!!! Miss. Jackie looks fucking HOT in her titty shirt and skirt.

BOOZE-O-METER: 2 beers, enough to last 2 minutes with Miss Jackie.

MATCH #2
ANGLE vs. Some Cracka trying to work the mic

Angle justifiably kicks the crap out of a guy named Martel. Rick MARTEL? That guy is a fucking senior citizen. Use the perfume Rick, use the perfume! The fucker doesn't take my advice and Kurt kicks the crap out of him like he works at an old folks home. Cole keeps calling him "kid". How fucking old is Michael Cole if he is calling RICK MARTEL kid? Michael Cole is gay.

BOOZE-O-METER: 2 shots of Jack Daniels and 3 beers and I forget that Angle just beat up a senior citizen. I laugh.

They show the man with the most ironic name since "Nature Boy" Rick Flair, "Heart Break Kid" Shawn Michaels challenging Angle from RAW. I swear they should call him the "Rogaine Kid", because he is losing more hair than a man having sex with a lawnmower. How about the "Chemo Kid"? Nah, that's not fair to kids who actually have cancer. I mean Shawn is just locker room cancer, not literal cancer. He seriously has a fucking huge baldspot on his head that he attempts to conceal with his hair. Give it up you 40 something bastard. You aren't cool anymore.

BOOZE-O-METER: 6 beers and 4 shots of tequila until I believe that Shawn is actually 28 again.

COMMERCIALS

Josh Mathews interrupts his busy schedule of sucking dick long enough to talk to Heidenrich who gives us some sweet Dr. Seuss poetry. His rhymes are sweeter than John Cena when he was a heel!

BOOZE-O-METER: 6 shots, at least it was short

Highlights of JBL vs. Big Show. I use that term loosely.

SEGMENT
We are back to a bunch of strippers in evening gowns who are supposed to be JBL's friends. With friends like that, why the HELL would you hang out with OJ and the Bashams? We cut to JBL talking about his match last night and complains about how much pain he is in. If I was locked in a cage with a half naked 500 lb man, I would be in bad shape too. The shape would probably be tube form, as my body would collapse under the girth of his wang, but something tells me that Big Show can't really pull that part off.

COMMERCIALS

The podium is a riot as they have GIANT bull horns on them. OJ sucks on the mike by the way, but he's good at STABBIN people. Ha, the even have a cowboy hat made out of ice. Gold! They bring out a woman to sing the opera. Sweet! The crowd is all boo and shit cause she "ain't singing American." The girl is hot too. I'd nail her. And then bone her. And THEN have sex with her. They reveal a giant picture of JBL, and I am pissed because Angle did this one billion times better, and Team Angle kicked the shit out of OJ with the gimmick. JBL cuts a promo that goes way too long. Big Show makes the save and beats the crap out of JBL's friends and tears up the set cause he's all AAAGGHHHHH and shit. He gets his ass kicked justifiably and Cena comes out to a Stone Cold pop and kicks the crap out of everyone. This brings out Teddy Long to make a tag match for tonight. BS & CENA vs. JBL & OJ. Teddy Long says he is "going to continue this party with tag team action". Damn, Teddy is a real man. I can barely handle a one on one match up.

BOOZE-O-METER: 6 shots of tequila and 5 beers.

COMMERCIALS

MATCH #3
CHAVO vs. FUNAKI

A Cruiserweight match on Smackdown? What it this Bizarro world? Wait, there I am having sex with 300 women. It must be.Match is pretty damn slow paced, and I hate Funaki to begin with so this isn't boding well. Cool little counter ends the match with the Gory Special by Chavo. After the match, Perry Farell jumps in the ring and beats up on Chavo. Wait, it's Paul London. Now that is a match I can get into.

BOOZE-O-METER: 3 shots of rum and 2 Miller High Lifes

COMMERCIAL

MATCH #4
TAKER vs. JINDRAK & REIGNS

Ugh, this match fucking blows. No Luther close-ups with the camera this week. Jindrak is pinned and he and Reigns fight.

BOOZE-O-METER: The first ever Gonzo Camping Special. DIE OF ALCOHOL POISONING YOU SHITTY MATCH!

COMMERCIALS

SEGMENT
Teddy wants to stay GM. Carlito doesn't want him to. They're the original odd couple! Seriously, that is a show I'd watch. Linda robotically announces that Teddy will stay GM to the shock of Carlito and the surprise of nobody.

BOOZE-O-METER: 5 shots of mescal and 3 Singapore slings in memory of HST.

COMMERCIALS

MATCH #5
CENA & BIG SHOW vs. JBL & OJ
Short match sees OJ doing all the work, and you know what that means, BEST MATCH EVER! Fooled you. Match is pretty short and shitty, but what the hell. Cena wins with 5 knuckle shuffle and F-U.

BOOZE-O-METER: 4 shots of Hennessy and 4 Sierra Nevada's. Enough to get Big Show's thumb drunk.

OVERALL ALCOHOL INTAKE: 33 shots, 20 beers and a Gonzo Camping Special. Not a good week for SD.