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RAW RANT ARCHIVE
(November 2004)
WWE Raw Rant - 112904 By: Cameron Burge
Welcome to the second edition of Cameron’s Raw Recap. As I promised over
at The Fan’s message boards I have a special Holiday gift for all of you.
TWF:
Raw vs. Smackdown.
Each week I’ll
be making a page for the comic. Who will be the ultimate Recapper? Find out when the battle begins OR ELSE!
Now that
that’s out of the way, stay with me a while as we delve into the depths of pure insanity that are inherent in professional
wrestling.
RAW 11.29.04
Tonight Raw comes to us straight from the east coast in Baltimore.
Show Opens with a shot of Randy Orton
in the place of Bischoff’s picture and we have theme music opening the show for the first time in weeks. Huge pyro goes
off as JR and King hype tonight’s OPENING MATCH FOR THE WORLD TITLE and our one night only general manager: Randy Orton.
The
entire Raw Roster is in the ring as the show opens and for no reason at all Viscera starts hammering at Hurricane. Batista’s
music plays and the animal of Evolution comes down to the ring. More music, and Jericho makes his way to the ring as well.
Now we only have one man left: Triple H.......except Vince McMahon comes out instead.
Vince tells us Triple H wont
be defending his title in the battle royal as previously stated by GM Randy Orton. He states that anyone could win the title
in a battle Royal (which apparently is a bad thing) and makes fun of Stevie Richards being able to win the title (which a
lot of IWC people would actually love to see). Vince tells us we will have a championship match but it will be Triple H vs.
the WINNER of the battle royal instead. Way to not pay off guys.
Company-wide Battle Royal (winner faces Triple
H for the World Title)
Hurricane almost becomes our first casualty when Viscera attempts to throw him over but
he manages to hold the ropes and gets back into the fray. Shortly after, half the men in the ring gang up on Viscera when
Hurricane and Rosey attempt to take him on. Viscera finally goes over. Shortly after Rhyno is sent out by his own partner,
Tajiri. Tomko finds himself on the floor as well when Shelton sends him out, and Robert Conway is in danger but barely survives.
Benoit
and Flair have a chop war in one of the corners which the crowd seems to care more about than anything else going on in the
ring. Maven attempts to send Sylvan out but the Frenchman lands on the apron and attempts to return to the ring when Maven
dropkicks his feet out from under him for the elimination. Maven is then sent flying over the top rope by none other than
Eugene , who celebrates his "victory" wildly as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Snoop dog shouldn’t
have anything to do with video games EVER again.
Back to the match. Coach (who I'm surprised lasted so long) got eliminated
by Benoit during the commercial break after taking several chops. He then chose to eliminate himself rather than take anymore.
Snisky
goes on a Rampage and takes out Regal and Conway consecutively, and then takes out the superhero duo of Rosey and Hurricane
by himself as well. Snisky and Batista then face off while everyone else stands aside and the crowd is really behind it. The
crowd gets pissed though when the encounter is cut short by several faces jumping Batista and taking him to a corner. Batista
powers out then easily eliminates all of the following in this order: Eugene, Tajiri, Val, Christian, and Flair(?!). Flair
throws a fit and knock out one of the refs sending us back to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I love
the Blade Trinity commercial just to see Triple H get punched in the face by Wesley Snipes.
Back to the match where
there are only seven men left....until a few seconds later when Snisky is knocked out by Jericho. Then there are six: Richards(!!),
Jericho, Benoit, Edge, Batista, and Benjamin. Richards starts showing off and taunting everyone to come take him on. he gets
his wish and his hauled over the top rope shortly thereafter.
Shelton opens up big time on Edge in the corner but
Edge manages to hold on and avoid elimination, as does Batista getting double teamed by Benoit and Jericho. Edge takes out
Shelton with a back body drop and a spear to him on the apron to bring us down to the final four. Jericho chops on Batista
while Edge almost sends Benoit over. Y2J attempts a running cross body on Batista but the animal catches him and tosses him
over the top.
Batista hauls Benoit up to go over but Edge spears him from behind and Benoit survives while Batista
falls to the floor. Edge takes Benoit to the apron and a punching war ensues. Edge tries to run at Benoit and send him out
but the Wolverine catches him with a quick shot. both men are on the apron now fighting for survival until Benoit sends
them both to the floor at the same time. The refs start fighting over the results as we go to commercial.
Winner: Benoit....I
mean Edge, no wait!....aw screw it.
Special Match "Fact": Everyone actually teamed up on Viscera because
they were afraid of seeing another King Mable vs Deisle match.
Random Commercial Thought: Spiderman 2 is one
of the best movies I have EVER seen, hands down.
Back to Raw where we promise you one thing then give you another,
because we enjoy seeing what you look like when you’re pissed off. The controversy is still on and the replay clearly
shows both men tied or so we think because the logo conveniently blocks it.
Orton talks with the refs but we still
cant get a decision. Vince walks and tells Orton it doesn’t matter what he thinks and contradicts himself when he says
whatever Orton says goes even though he overturned his match earlier. Edge shows up and begs Vince who points him to Orton.
Edge says that when he beats Triple H, Orton can fight him for the title. Edge gets mad because Orton wants to think about
it and Orton at least offers Edge some hope by repeating himself twice. He then teases Edge some more by still saying he’ll
think about it.
Maven is backstage whining about losing two shots at the world title when Eugene comes in. Maven yells
at the poor retard for eliminating him and points out that Eugene cant even spell the word Title(TIDLE) and yet he has one.
Maven is confronted by Regal who finally puts the rookie in his place.
Orton is now in the parking garage when Prospective
Diva Candice arrives. We find out she is our new Makeup Artist(they aren’t even trying anymore with these fake jobs
are they?) and asks Randy for some Ho-tacular fashion tips
Benoit confronts Randy next. The Crippler is pissed that
even though they won Survivor Series and should be running the show they keep getting shafted. Orton assures him that he’ll
put an end to the controversy right after the commercial break.
Random Commercial Thought: The new Superstar
Voice-overs in Raw vs. Smackdown are so bad that I almost wish they had never put them on in the first place.
Back
to the show. More footage of the battle royal where we get "the best angle yet". Good for us. This leads to our online poll
tonight: "Who won the Battle Royal? Edge or Benoit?" King is in the WWE chat room right now, which explains why everyone in
there is such an idiot. They’re all talking to King.
Orton comes out and says that tonight there will be another
title match for the Tag Titles tonight when La Resistance gets their rematch. One of out announcers will also be leaving the
table for a little in ring action but it turns out to not be JR tonight. Randy tells us King is celebrating his birthday and
will be in a Legends match against The Nature Boy after out next match, and this could be very interesting to watch, considering
both men look like jelly stuffed into human shaped bags. Jerry chants start up which is pretty funny, but Orton interrupts
them with his announcement for the main event.
Orton gives us a lesson in math percentages before announcing the inevitably
obvious triple threat match for the world title.
And here comes our next match as Lita comes to the ring with her partner
tonight, Victoria. Coach decides to fill in for King and JR is not happy. Of course the only other two wrestling Divas
on Raw come out and Coach does an interesting imitation of King screaming "puppies".
Molly Holly & Women’s
Champion Trish Stratus vs. Lita & Victoria
Molly cheap shots Victoria to get us started before suplexing her
and taking a quick pin for two. Molly tags in Trish who slams Victoria by her hair to the ground and goes for another cover.
Victoria tries to fight back with some sloppy punches but gets tackled back down and drug to the corner where Molly is tagged
back in. Molly chokes out Victoria on the ropes and gives a swinging neck breaker for two again. JR pimps King’s match
and Victoria gets a surprise rollup on Molly but Hebner is distracted with the other divas on the outside. Molly puts the
former psychopath in a rear chin lock so we can get the cameraman to zoom in on the huge hole in the ass of Victoria’s
pants. Fan service is good tonight.
Victoria finds herself in enemy territory yet again and gets illegally double teamed
while Hebner deals with Lita. Molly takes down Victoria for another near fall and all I can think of is how low the mighty
have fallen here. Yet AGAIN Victoria goes to the corner and gets choked out but she finally fights her way out and almost
tags in Lita but eats Molly’s elbow instead. Trish gets back in and goes for the chick kick only to get knocked down.
Trish gets up too early and has to pretend like she tripped trying to prevent the tag.
Lita comes in and unleashes
on Trish big time before sending molly to the floor and mauling Trish in the corner. A nice spring up from snap suplex to
Trish and Molly is back in but eats a head scissors take down for her trouble. Trish gets locked into Lita’s Rear Naked
Choke but Molly breaks it up. Trish attacks with some incredibly weak chops and takes a huge DDT for this match to come to
a close.
Winners: Lita & Victoria
Special Match "Fact": Victoria’s loss record exponentially
increases proportionately to the exponential decreasion of the amount of clothing she is wearing.
JR pimps King’s
match again as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Frosty just got owned by a banana....isn’t
that a sign of the apocalypse or something?
Back to the show. I got to say I haven’t been impressed so far. The
Baltimore Ravens are in the house and I couldn’t possibly care less. Hassan’s promo airs next, and I STILL couldn’t
care less. Hassan actually manages to not seem so angry until about halfway through and he says we won’t be getting
away with treating them like this anymore. Entertaining promo with the way they interspersed the translations towards the
end to give it feeling.
The theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey plays and the Nature Boy comes to the ring to get us started.
Coach complains about being in the battle royal but says he does like the decision by Orton to make this match. Coach pretends
like he actually knows something about YuYu Hakusho and I have a sudden urge to burn his eyes our with hot coals.
Jerry
"The King" Lawler vs. "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair (Legends Match)
The amorphous sacks of jelly are in the ring and
King sends Flair down with a hard shove early. Lawler imitates Flair’s strut and Flair slaps him in the face, but King
replies in kind so we can get this started proper. Kerry Von Erich is mention and Harry Simon probably bursts out laughing.
Flairs takes Lawler to the corner and unleashes with a heavy chop before showing off and getting another in on the ropes.
King reverses a punch with his own hard right before getting us a famous Flair Flop, followed by a back body drop to the Nature
Boy. Flair reverses the tide with a cheap shot and kicks Jerry in the back of the knee before slamming him in the turnbuckle
and unleashes with more chops. King finally goes down and eats the running knee drop. Flair goes for the pin but gets two
and this match is moving about as fast as cold molasses going uphill.
King no sells a shot before going in with his
signature rights and taking the Nature Boy down and into an elbow drop for two. King gives an incredibly bad back body drop
and a scoop slam before going up top. He drops down with the huge right hand but goes up for another instead of taking the
pin and hits it again. Unfortunately King appears to have hurt his knee big time and Flair takes advantage with a Figure
Four that Lawler rolls through for a 2 count. Flair uses a chop clock before another Figure Four locked in proper. Flair uses
the ropes to avoid the reversal and King finally taps out. The Nature Boy goes to attack King again but the ref stops him.
Winner:
Ric Flair by Submission
Special Match "Fact": Ninety percent of the time if a wrestler attempts his finishing
move twice in a row, it will prove to be his downfall.
Orton is annoyed by the results of the match. Another Prospective
Diva is on the show and officially hired(to be fair she wasn’t actually in the diva contest as far as I know) before
yet ANOTHER Prospective Diva walks in. Orton wants to give back to the fans and decides to put the Ho bags in the ring tonight.
Random
Commercial Thought: If Ms Pacman was married to Pacman, how come she wasn’t called MRS. Pacman?
Back to Raw
where if you’re slutty enough, anyone can get a job. Shelton is talking about his storied past yet again and this time
it apparently involves crack heads......yippie skippie.
Orton is in the ring next with a few Prospective Divas and
for some reason Coach is still on the microphone. Melina, Maria, and Candice are our skanks of the evening but Orton tells
us something is missing....more hot women. Christy comes out followed by Baltimore's own: Stacy Kiebler. The Crowd finally
wakes up after sleeping through this skit before promptly going back to sleep.
Orton finally decides to reveal what
he had planned and its the first ever Raw Lingerie fashion show. I thought that was a Smackdown gig. The girls agree
and I quit caring. I’m not going to recap this crap.
Melina vs. Stacy Kiebler vs. Christy vs. Maria vs. Candice (Lingerie Fashion
Show)
Suffice it to say the girls strip then give Orton a standing lap dance. The crowd couldn’t care less
about this except for Stacey so let’s skip to the end. Coach laughs about how JR has two kids and the Milkman only comes
once a week.
Winners:
Lonely Men Everywhere
Special Match "Fact": The music for this was probably stolen from Vince’s private
porno stash.
JR and Coach push the triple threat title match yet again and the tag Team Titles match which are next
right after this message from our sponsor. (sponsored by the Simon System)
Random Commercial Thought: I have
two this time 1.Too bad the Fight Club video game doesn’t have bob holly in it like Dave Gagnon’s. 2. How many
people does it take from the cast of Blade Trinity to stroke Hunter’s ego before he’s convinced himself he’s
the best?
Back to the show and La Resistance is already in the ring and the champs are on their way.
Tag
Team Champions Eugene & William Regal vs. La Resistance (Tag Team Titles Match)
Eugene starts us off in the
ring Conway. Eugene take Conway down with a shoulder block and screams like a monkey before doing the Hulk(oops I mean "Hollywood")
Hogan taunt. Eugene makes a tag to Regal for a double team and a short pin. Regal eats a hard shot and Grenier gets the tag
to unleash on Regal. Robert comes back in and gives Regal some stiff shots before going into a hold where I really couldn't
tell what was supposed to be going on. Conway cheap shots Eugene to avoid Regal getting the tag.
Eugene finally gets
the tag and goes all ape shit on Conway in the corner. The Retarded One then uses a Lous Thezs Press and punch maneuver
before using his Airplane spin . Conway falls down dizzy and takes a huge sledge hammer but the pin is saved by Grenier.
Grenier kicks Eugene in the stomach before going for the Au Revoir but Regal trips Grenier from the outside and Conway
gets a huge stunner instead. Eugene celebrates with the kids again and everyone dog piles on Regal.
Winners: Eugene
and William Regal
Special Match "Fact": The same stylist did the hair for both Eugene and Snoop Dog.
The
festivities are broken when Maven drags Eugene out and kills him with a shot to the stairs. Apparently Maven has gone heel.
I just don’t understand why they chose to turn him heel now instead of taking the opportunity to get him over big with
the chance of him joining evolution two weeks back. Maven storms off as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
The age old adage is true: If you can dodge a wrench you CAN dodge a ball.
Back to the show and Coach is chatting with
the fans online, like ANYONE would want to talk to the Coach.
Trish is in the back and she runs into Jericho. Jericho
tell Trish that Lita being called the kiss of death is odd because the walking KOD just beat the walking STD.(Chris Jericho:
King of Acronymns) Jericho reminds Trish that it’s his turn to be GM next week and only the hottest chicks are invited
to his party. He also informs her she’ll be defending against the KOD next week.
Next we find out we can buy
all the lingerie from earlier tonight autographed. Hot damn.
Flair is in the back screaming at Batista for eliminating
him in the Battle Royal earlier. Flair asks Batista if he would have layed down for Hunter but the animal doesn't reply. Hunter
comes back to bitch about the match and both he and Flair give Batista accusing glares. It appears that the animal’s
allegiance may still be in question as we go to yet another commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Remember
when you could watch Nitro and get upwards of seven matches in one night even if they did suck?
Edge comes out and
we’re getting ready for tonight’s Main Event.
Edge vs. Chris Benoit vs. World Heavyweight Champion Triple
H (Triple Threat Title Match)
Edge and Benoit start us out by pounding on each other while Triple H watches from
the sidelines safely. Benoit is sent out hard by Edge who continues the beating on the outside and send Benoit face First
to the guardrail. Edge finally sends Benoit back in and gets knocked down by Triple H. The Game tries to take Benoit out early
but only gets a set of two counts. Benoit starts chopping at the Game and gets in a German suplex, but the cerebral assassin
escapes the second one before Edge returns from being down on the ground for the longest period of time any man has been down
from simply falling from the apron. Some double Teaming ensues before Benoit gains control with clotheslines and a suplex
before clotheslining both men outside then coming off over the top rope before we go to commercial.
Random Commercial
Thought: All of the Taco Bells around here are owned by this one family of Indians(from India). They used to just own
the one by my house and all of their family were the only people who worked there. They even had name tags that said what
relation they were to the owner such as "Sister" and "Daughter".
Back to the match. The Game is on the ground and Edge
is controlling Benoit, but Benoit fights back and hangs Edge on the ropes before hitting a suplex and going for the Sharpshooter.
The Game makes the save but finds himself locked in an awesome Crossface reversal when Evolution hits the ring and saves the
day. Batista floors Benoit but Orton ejects both men from ringside and Batista is oddly smiling. Edge gets a near fall with
a rollup on Triple H and the Game takes control with a big spine buster. Randy Orton takes a seat at ringside to make sure
there is no more interference in this match. Edge DDTs the game and gets two as well. Edge sets up in the corner for the spear
and eats the Harley Race knee instead. JR for some reason decides to remind us how a triple threat match works.
Triple
H goes for the pedigree but Edge reverses and Benoit hits a german on the game and then suplexes Edge onto Triple H’s
face and that looked painful. Benoit goes for the german but Edge blocks and ends up in the sharpshooter instead.
Orton cheers Benoit on but Triple H slams Orton into the ring post and breaks up the submission (which I would have thought
would be his first objective). Benoit sends Edge into Triple H and is controlling both men now. The Game goes over the top
rope to the ground again.
Benoit hits the triple Germans on Edge and Triple H runs in to get a pedigree in on Benoit
but is back body dropped out of the ring. Benoit goes up top but Edge comes up top and is sent back down by Benoit. Edge lands
on the Ref for the obligatory ref bump, The Game knocks Benoit off the top and goes for a chair. However, he forgot
about one thing. Orton shows up and takes the chair to Triple H instead, sending him into the crowd. Edge goes to the
corner and sets up for a spear on Benoit but the Wolverine reverses into the Crossface instead. A new referee comes
out and Edge rolls through for a pin but Edge taps at the same time. The ref calls Edge the winner and we are
set up for yet another obvious controversy.
Winner: Edge, no, wait, Benoit.....didn’t we already do this?
Special
Match "Fact": Edge actually stayed down on the floor so long because he passed out in awe from seeing the sheer muscle
mass of the Game that so impressed the cast of Blade Trinity.
The Original ref walks over and gives the belt to Benoit..
Edge is bloodied and pissed right now and the belt is given back to him by the other ref. Triple H mouths "What the fuck?"
as everyone else argues in the ring and the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Triple Threat Match.
Except for the ending that we’ve seen so many times before, this was a very well thought out match and played well to
Edge and Benoit in particular.
Lowlight of the Night: Lingerie Fashion show. It was just like watching the Diva
Search all over again.
That’s all for this week. Hope you all enjoyed the second edition of my Raw Recap. Come
back for more.
I bet you all want more after that amazing column so why don’t you head on over to the Main Page and read some of the articles there. Then you can check out Dave Gagnon, Harry Simon, and the Pig of Death: Canadian Bacon.
Also don’t forget to give Double M some love over at 411.
Double
M’s WWE Raw Recap – 110104 By: Michael Melchor
The views and opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily
reflect those of the rest of the human race.
Hey there and thanks again for clicking back in. I’m keeping this short as hell
rather than lament about how busy life is once again. But I won’t stop being a self-promotional whore (you know me better
than that by now) in letting you know that reasons why can be found here, here, and here. And that’s not counting the Election Day special hitting 411Music tomorrow as well as other features we’re planning over there...interesting
times, interesting times...
Raw – 11.01.04
Show opens with a graphic of Bald Eric Bischoff and a replay of last week’s running
of the asylum by the inmates – until the face contingent showed Evolution that they do NOT run Raw. Ain’t that
a scream?
Credits and pyro from Peoria, IL where TONIGHT: La Resistance challenge Chris Benoit &
Edge for the World Tag Team Championship.
”The Plot Killer” Gene Snitsky vs. Eugene – Hardcore Rules
Match
Are you serious? Oh, I get it – this is Bischoff’s revenge for being shaved
at Taboo Tuesday. I guess Snitsky has atken Kane’s place as Bischoff’s enforcer...?
Snitsky carries his weapons to the ring in s baby carriage, natch. In The Back, Regal
talks Eugene into coming to the ring with him, but Eugene says he has to do this on his own. He flatly refuses Regal’s
help and heads to his funeral alone.
Between his size, strength and psychotic demeanor, Snitsky has all the advantage in the
world. What will help Eugene best here is how much of his wrestling knowledge is in Hardcore matches; hopefully he watched
a lot of old ECW matches before tonight. Snitsky apparently has; just to be a dick, slams Eugene on a “Slow Children”
sign. Nice touch. Eugene takes it to Snitsky and beats the hell out of Snitsky’s back with whatever he can find, but
the end result is pretty much a dead giveaway...
Finish comes when “The Plot Killer” pumphandle slams Eugene on the “Slow
Children” sign for the 3-count pinfall victory.
Post-match, Snitsky attempts to crush Eugene’s throat with a chair, but Regal is
out with the brass knucks to make the save. Snitsky bails out of the ring and leaves.
Via Satellite, Triple-H laments getting his ass kicked last week and calls it an act of
jealousy. Hunter asks them to think about what they’ve done and says that he won’t be there live this week but
expects to be treated with respect because without him, Raw Is Nothing.
Commercial.
Back to the announcement that Maria (from The Diva Search) is now on the announcement team. Maria is In The Back (don’t get any ideas) with Tajiri,
who calls Triple-H’s statements a bunch of bunk in the best English he can muster. Ric Flair interrupts and offers to
forgive Tajiri but Batista attacks him from behind and knocks him senseless.
Ric Flair and Batista are out to the ring. Flair says that what happened to Tajiri is
in store for the rest of those rapscallions and demands that Bischoff restore order or else Batista and Flair will level the
entire roster. Bischoff is out to announce the Raw side of the Survivor Series card:
Shelton Benjamin © vs. Christian – IC Title Match
Trish Stratus © vs. Lita – WWE Women’s Title Match
Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit, Maven & Randy Orton vs. Triple-H, Batista, Edge &
Gene Snitsky – Classic Survivor Series Match
Ric asks if his name was left off by mistake and Eric answers no, because he has other
plans for Ric. Bischoff states that unless there’s a match he wants to see specifically – such as the proceeding
encounter – then the inmates shall continue to run the asylum. At Taboo Tuesday, no one came to his aid – especially not Evolution. Since he’s kissed their asses
for 2 years and received no payoff, he answers to only himself. Bischoff will take a 1-month vacation after Survivor Series,
leaving the winning team of the Survivor Series in charge. Excellent call, Boss! Batista challenges the order and points out
the Randy Orton clause, suggesting that Bischoff rescind the order. Bischoff denies Batista and says that, without
the World Title, Triple-H is about as effective as a solar-powered flashlight. The oldies never go out of style as we go to:
Commercial.
Back to
Christian vs. Hurricane
In mid-match, Edge interrupts the proceedings to announce that he has come back to Raw
and plug his new book (which, based on the preview in the paperback edition of The Stone Cold Truth, isn’t
too bad. AND written without any help!). He continues to run his mouth and I so bad want to yell, “THERE’S A MATCH
GOING ON!” He bitches about he didn’t get his title shot at Taboo Tuesday and promises a prologue in the paperback edition about how much the fans suck. Edge targets
JR as being sore and signs a copy of the book for being such a big fan.
In the meantime, Christian’s craftiness is more than a match for Hurricane’s
high-flying assault based on the slight (but enough of a) size advantage.
Finish comes when Christian hits the Unprettier for the 3-count pinfall victory. Post-match,
Shelton is out for Christian and Christian states that Tomko is out hurt, but Christian has a one-night-only Problem Solver
as backup... Viscera (?!) is out to flatten Shelton Benjamin – and we mean that literally. Shelton is hurt after a splash,
taking us to:
Commercial.
Back to In The Back, Todd Grisham corners Edge and asks if he’s ready to be at Benoit’s
side for the Tag Title defense tonight. Edge says it should be easy since Benoit beat them by himself before and Benoit in
on the scene. Edge takes one of the Tag Title belts and Benoit asks who the hell he thinks he is. Baby, He’s A Star!
Edge hints that Benoit may do it alone after all and Benoit’s more than cool with that.
In The Back, Maven finds Evolution in their own locker room to rub in their faces what
happened last week AND tonight. Evolution threatens Maven and Randy Orton and Chris Jericho appear to challenge Evolution
on the spot. Orton states that they may want to concentrate on the Survivor Series, lest Evolution may be disbanded before
we go to:
Commercial.
Back to Simon Dean in the ring! Whoa! He picks on some of the people at ringside, telling
one guy that he probably hasn’t seen his own penis in years (!!), but with the Simon System he’ll be able to in
90 days. He also picks on a fat girl at ringside about not being able to shave under her own arms and another gentleman about
his dental hygiene, blaming inbreeding. This guy just became cooler than even “The Plot Killer”! Simon invites
the latter gentleman – Matt – into the ring and invites him to try the Simon System, ordering him to take off
his shirt. Simon makes fun of Matt’s man-boobs and Matt shoves him to the mat. Simon chokes him out in return and sends
us to:
Commercial.
Back to
La Resistance vs. Chris Benoit & Edge © - World Tag Team Title Match
The obvious story here is how long Benoit can last without his partner (because it’s
pretty obvious that Edge has little interest in helping out. La Resistance wear down Benoit well until Edge makes his entrance
a couple minutes in to give Benoit time to think about it, apparently). Edge is on the apron long enough to be within reach
for a tag, but backs out and tells Benoit he can do it before the:
Commercial.
Back to Benoit defending alone as Edge is on commentary. Lawler and Edge discuss his book
as La Resistance use their own technical prowess (and liberal amounts of rule-bending) to wear Benoit’s resiliency down
to nothing. JR gets on Edge’s ass for not being where he should and Benoit finds his second wind. The main difference
here may be that Benoit had Edge’s help (somewhat) at Taboo Tuesday, but absolutely none here. Just as Benoit makes his final attempt at a defense, his own partner
ruins his best efforts...
Finish comes when Edge distracts the referee and La Resistance hit the Tandem Au Revoir
on Benoit for the 3-count pinfall victory. La Resistance are your new World Tag Team Champions.
Post-match, Edge displays the belt and drills Benoit with it dead between the eyes, bloodying
him. Benoit gets to his feet only to catch another beatdown and get Speared by Edge and get locked in a version of his own
Crippler Crossface. Benoit taps to his own move, pissing off damn near every SmarK on the planet. Edge finally makes hid second
departure of the night, taking us to:
Commercial.
Back to Replay of Edge’s decimation of Benoit.
In The Back, Bischoff arrives at Evolution’s locker room by request. Flair demands
that the Survivor Series stipulation can be lifted and Eric denies him cold. His vacation plans are already set and he’s
not about to change them – or give up a grand idea to give the overbearing General Manager angle to rest. Bischoff makes
a match – Evolution vs. Chris Jericho, Maven & Randy Orton – whether or not Triple-H shows up.
Muhammad Mossad Hussein (I think) is on the video screen to play the gray-line Arab American
pleading for the chance to represent the American people and praise Allah. He asks for silence while his manager translates
for their Arab brothers. Man, THIS could hit a few of the wrong buttons.
JR and Lawler run down both sides of the Survivor Series card. Replay of Viscea’s
attack and the announcement that he will be challenged by Shelton Benjamin after we come back from:
Commercial.
Back to
Viscera vs. Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin – non-title match
On our hands is another (REAL) big man vs. little man matchup. Based on how good Shelton
is in the ring, the difference should be played out very well. Viscera doesn’t look half-bad tossing Shelton around
like a toddler, but Shelton makes an excellent comeback. Shelton’s mistake is in getting too enthusiastic...like, say,
trying to t-bone suplex a man more than twice his size. But the overzealousness isn’t enough to stop him NOW!
Finish comes when Benjamin hits a spin kick on Viscera for the 3-count pinfall victory.
Post-match, Christian attacks but Benjamin makes the comeback and even suplexes the fat
boy. Christian and Viscera tuck their tails between their legs and leave.
Commercial.
Back to Back to Slam Of The Week, sponsored by The Simon System. Well done, Continuity
Police!
Trish Stratus is out to address her fans, friends, and family that have been worried since
the announcement that she would face Lita at the Survivor Series. What, you mean an hour ago? Trish Stratus presents
“Lita: Kiss Of Death”, pointing out Lita’s “responsibility” for the departures of Essa Rios,
Team Extreme, Dark Angel (!), Matt Hardy, and Kane. Hah~! Trish reassures them that she will be safe because Lita’s
a loser above all else. Lita is out to jump Trish, but Gail Kim keeps the advantage for Trish to beat Lita as senseless as
she can before the:
Commercial.
Back to JR and Lawler announcing that next week, our main event is Chris Benoit vs. Edge.
THAT should be a sight to see.
Chris Jericho, Maven & Randy Orton vs. Evolution (Ric Flair & Batista)
Orton and Batista start out against a man that each one knows well. Former teammates reach
a stalemate until Flair and Jericho are in to redeuce each others’ torsos to rubble. Orton handles the more underhanded
duties for his team, no stranger to them most recently. Jericho takes the chances Orton provides to annihilate Flair and even
slip in a low blow. Excellent teamwork. Batista tags in and sends a message to Jericho’s team mates by dominating Jericho
with sheer power. After chaos breaks loose, the faces really piss all over Evolution...
Finish comes when Triple-H’s music hits, and Tajiri is out in a blond wig. Now THAT”S
funny. Back in the ring, Orton cleans house and hits the RKO on Batista for the 3-count pinfall victory.
Post-match, the faces celebrate on the ramp to end the show.
I have to admit, the Survivor Series stipulation doesn’t make this as interesting
as the build-up to it does. Tonight was a well-done episode, making the competition with SmackDown a hot one right now. Glad
to be glad again, and it didn’t take nearly as long as usual.
L8. Thanks again for reading.
For more interesting (?) reading, click here.
Double M’s WWE Raw Recap –
110804 By: Michael Melchor
The views and opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily
reflect those of the rest of the human race.
Hey there and thanks for coming back. As the countdown continues, we are 10 days away from the
end, mo only friend, The End.
And since I’m still feeling the flu still, this intro dies a quick death. What, you want
a longer one? Well then, do it yourself! In the meantime, we have a show to get to, aye?
Raw – 11.08.04
Show opens with no credits and no pyro from Austin, TX where World Heavyweight Champion Triple-H
(flanked by Batista) already in the ring running his mouth. He stayed home last week to teach people a lesson, but
some thick-headed individuals didn’t get it. Instead they attacked and injured Ric Flair, and Batista’s mad now.
The attack took place under the watch of their absolutely useless General Manager, Eric Bischoff. Bischoff is out to
answer the charge – he takes action only at his sole discretion. Triple-H, uncaring, chokes down Bischoff and Bischoff
is being forced to recommend that Triple-H should be stripped of the World Title. THAT’LL teach ‘im! Hunter
lets go and Bischoff lays down the rules once again for Survivor Series. Bischoff invokes Tyler Durden and recommends letting the chips fall where they may. Hunter already declares victory for his team (and
I’m inclined to agree) and says that no one can beat him.
Bischoff changes course and introduces our fist match of the night:
Batista (with World Heavyweight Champion Triple-H) vs. Randy Orton
Nice! This’ll happen after the:
Commercial.
Back to Orton showing his dominance where he knows he can – on the mat. Batista starts to
go for his modus operandi but Orton sees it coming and puts a stop to it. Orton came to bring the fight this evening
and his early mastery of Batista is matched only by his ferocity when the fight spills outside. Back in the ring, Batista
almost resumes control before Orton slugs away at him. Surprising that Orton would attempt to out-brawl the big man, but it
seems to be working. Batista finally takes the lead position and wears Orton down with his own...chinlock. At least Orton
had the good sense to expand his repertoire past that.
Of course, Triple-H gets involved, but the gods seem to be smiling on Orton tonight as referee
Mike Chioda sees the Hunterference and ejects the champ from ringside. What Chioda doesn’t see is Batista knock Orton
nearly cold with the Clothesline From Hell 2.0. Thrown off his game without his mentor at ringside, though, Batista is
almost at a loss before the:
Commercial. Back to Batista now running the match with a slower pace and a methodical beatdown.
Replay of During The Break: Orton is tossed into the steps. Good transition from Batista taking an ass-whuppin’ to taking
control. Batista uses those steps again, this time on Orton’s skull. Excellent follow-up to the clothesline earlier.
Batista almost goes all Dan Puder on Orton with a rear naked choke/bodyscissor and Orton’s not ready for the shift, but finally tries
to chop Batista’s legs down to regain momentum. Orton almost has it, but his former team mate knows how to reverse that
and acts accordingly – or does he?
Finish comes when Orton tries to set up the RKO but Batista catches him off the ropes and delivers
the spinebuster. Orton counters the pinfall attempt for 2 and cradle Batista instead for the 3-count pinfall victory.
Side Note: JR calls this victory “a surprise out of nowhere”. After Orton made BIG
DAVE his BITCH for most of the match?
Commercial.
Back to Post-match, the face team at Survivor Series getting pumped after Orton’s victory
but Batista and Hunter jump all them. Officials and referees regain control.
Video Recap of the feud between Edge and Benoit. Footage of Last Week on WWE.com post-Raw: Chris
Benoit is pissed about the lack of respect shown him. He told his family not to watch the following episode
(tonight, natch) because he’s gonna do something unthinkable before the:
Commercial.
Back to
Tyson Tomko (with Christian) vs. Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin – non-title
match
Shelton is better served employing a lot of what he did last week with Viscera. Benjamin is great
at taking down a bigger guy, but this one can actually move. Shelton learns that hardway before getting his head back in the
match...
Finish comes when Benjamin nails Tomko with a T-Bone Suplex for the 3-count pinfall victory. The
audience, at one point, calls for a “Boring” chant and I almost can’t blame them. I can’t blame Benjamin,
either.
SmackDown >Rebound airs (plus pimping of Kurt Angle vs. Big Show) before the:
Commercial.
Back to Chris Jericho’s Highlight Reel. Jericho pimps his match at the Survivor Series and
his week at taking over. Jericho intimates that the referee present is a party animal before explaining that he’s out
to help with what’s about to follow. WWE Women’s Champion is introduced, followed by her challenger this Sunday,
Lita. Trish asks Jericho what he was thinking in booking the “Kiss of Death” on the Highlight Reel. The only thing
Jericho can guarantee that his subscription to Better Sluts And Gardens is now cancelled. D’oh! Trish turns her
venom to Lita and unloads it all – fat, pregnant, out of ring action too long but NOT bedroom action (ow!). Lita has
dreamed of getting her hands on Trish because, throughout Melrose Raw Trish has done nothing but find humor in it and acting
like a bitch. Lita owns up to being the Kiss of Death and tells Trish to pucker up. “The Plot Killer” Gene
Snitsky is out with a baby doll that cries and mocks Lita’s plight. Now this is “The Plot Killer” at his best! He implores Lita to take the “baby”, but the refuses to hand it over and instead
throws it away. Snitsky stalks Lita and makes a mistake in piefacing Jericho away. Offended, Jericho jumps “The Plot
Killer” and gets his own ass handed to him. Snitsky stalks Lita some more before leaving her a nervous wreck and us
to:
Commercial.
Back to Replay of Moments Ago: Lita gets terrorized.
Simon Dean is in the ring “per Eric Bischoff”. It is announced that Simon is
part of the Raw roster as JR lays out a disclaimer and apology of last week’s ass-kickin’ of the fat guy, Matt.
The Simon System logo replaces the WWE logo at the bottom of the screen (nice!) as Simon says he’ll pick one member
of the audience to receive a free year of the Simon System. Simon targets a mature lady in the audience and lays on the insults.
Simon moves and finds another guy to pick on while pitching the Simon System DVDs. Dean finds candidate #3 – a bigger
woman – and asks her if she wants to try the Simon System. He takes a “yes” and the attendants help her
into the ring. Laura from Austin, TX (of course the plant has to be local) takes some abuse from Simon and the plant
Laura looks dejected. Simon then pimps the benefits of The Simon System and “Laura” is crying, proving to be a
better actress than Lita at least. Simon hands her a glass of the Liquid Fat Burner and Laura drinks down. Simon laughs that
it’ll take 20 gallons a day for results and Laura throws the Liquid Fat Burner on Simon. Simon responds by dumping the
rest of the pitcher on her before leaving. Okay, I like Simon maybe more than the next guy, but I’d like for these segments
to have a point other than establishing the obvious heel persona.
Commercial.
Back to
World Heavyweight Champion Triple-H vs. Tajiri – non-title
How much of a squash will this be? We never get to find out in earnest as “The Plot
Killer” is out to kill Tajiri for no real good reason. Call this a no-contest. You know, like it would have been in
the first place.
Triple-H calls Snitsky in the ring and praises his efforts, welcoming him to the team. Snitsky
tells Hunter he’s never been much of a team player and takes early responsibility as their reason for victory at Survivor
Series. Snitsky says when it’s his turn to book, he’s coming for Hunter’s Title. I like Snitsky and all,
but let’s be serious here...never in a million years, Cro-magnon.
Commercial.
Back to...the suburbs. What the hell? Someone is saying he grew up where we did and turned out
like us – Oh shit, it’s Mohammad Hassan. I see they dropped the “Hussein” off the end. He asks to
be judged on his own merits and NOT his race before his manager translates again. I’d love to see this done right, but I already know better.
JR & Lawler send it to Cole & Tazz to pimp the SmackDown side of the Survivor Series Card.
JR & Lawler finish up with the Raw side
In The Back, Maria gets Edge’s thoughts on later tonight. When he beat Benoit senseless,
he felt the feeling of years of frustration wash away. He looks to do it again later tonight and thanks Benoit for making
the family not watch. Triple-H is on the scene to thank Edge for seeing the light and welcomes him to the team. Hunter says
they have to keep an eye on Snitsky, and Edge says he’s wrong before takes early responsibility as their reason for
victory at Survivor Series. Edge says when it’s his turn to book, he’s coming for Hunter’s Title. Wow, déjà
vu. At least Edge has a little better chance...
Commercial.
Back to In The Back, Triple-H laments the lack of respect from his teammates. Triple-H tasks Batista
with having a “talk” with both of them before Sunday.
Raw Diva Winner Christy Hemme is our guest ring announcer for:
Edge vs. Chris Benoit
Both men give us a preview of the intensity to follow when the match unofficially starts on the
outside. Back in the ring (and post-bell), neither man can gain a clear advantage before going back outside. Edge is betting
on Benoit’s head being too clouded by hate, and he almost has a winner. Benoit, no matter how pissed off he is,
always his mind on business. Edge then resorts to sneakiness in looking for a victory to hold over the “Crippler’s”
head any way he can.
Inside the ring and out, Edge dissects Benoit, but bails ala Taboo Tuesday once Benoit gets control
back. The fix is in, however, as Edge cheap-shots him and takes the upper-hand back to the ring before the:
Commercial.
Back to Edge in control in Benoit’s territory – on the mat. Benoit takes the power
back, but Evolution is out to observe. The remainder of the Survivor Series face team is out. Both teams watch Benoit and
Edge wrestle it out before setting about the task of sending another good match straight to hell.
Finish comes when Benoit hits a superplex on Edge and the standing 10-count from the referee ensues.
Both are up at 9 and Benoit keeps the tide with running forearms before knocking Edge outside. Benoit runs Edge from apron
to security rail and back several times before everyone faces off around them. Benoit catapults Edge into the steel steps
and bounces him off of it again before sending the bloodied Edge back in the ring. Benoit gets the Sharpshooter and Edge reaches
the ropes rather than tap. Benoit continues owning Edge, getting the Rolling Germans and nailing the Diving Headbutt, but
Edge kicks out at 2. Benoit gets the Crippler Crossface in and Hunter breaks it up, drawing the disqualification loss for
Edge.
Post-match, pandemonium ensues (thanks, Gorilla!), Snitsky is down to clear the ring of everyone
before staring down Hunter and the Title. Edge is then in to make his claim and the heel team stare each other down before
the faces jump them all again. The heel team is cleared from the ring and the faces celebrate to end the show.
Honestly, I’m not big on “hard sell” episodes when I know full well I want to
see the PPV anyway. That having been said, Raw really didn’t feel like a 2-hour commercial and instead drew some interesting
possibilities for Sunday and beyond. Until, of course, the main event.
Of course it is a good thing Edge & Snitsky took the stances they did, because now we
know what will follow Survivor Series. I call it now – no fucking way Randy Orton and his crew are winning this one.
10 days to go. Thanks again for reading.
For more interesting (?) reading, click here.
Be sure to visit EdWolf for all of your (non-video) gaming needs and The Wrestling Fan for a good chuckle or two.
Double M's WWE Raw Recap - 111504 By:
Michael Melchor
The views and opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily
reflect those of the rest of the human race.
Hey you. And yeah, you too. Thanks again for checking in for...whoa, the last Raw show
I'll Recap. How time flies when you're having fun, aye?
Even while being in the midst of an investigation, I still have time to take a deep breath before firmly inserting my foot in my mouth...
Of course it is a good thing Edge & Snitsky took the stances they
did, because now we know what will follow Survivor Series. I call it now - no fucking way Randy Orton and his crew are winning
this one. - From last week's Double M Raw Recap
And what do they turn around and do but make me look like a complete moron. Turns out
that Randy and his crew pulled it off when every single thing about the booking suggested that they shouldn't have.
In all honesty, I'm glad they did. Even if I do have "dunce" tattooed on my ass, I'd
rather that than to sit through one more phase of "Heels Ruin Raw" like I did after last year's Series. I probably would puked
my guts out and been very thankful to give up this gig.
Alas, it's about to starting getting really good and I have to depart. With that in
mind, the intro ends here because I'm looking forward to enjoying this...
Raw - 11.15.04
Show opens with La Resistance in the ring and JR and Lawler are almost shitting themselves
wondering who';s gonna run the show-
And it's a bandaged-up Maven. I knew I'd get stuck with the shittiest one for
my last Raw.
Maven welcomes everyone in Indianapolis to Raw and reminds everyone that he and his
team will be running the show during Eric Bischoff's vacation. Maven previews his show tonight:
Edge & Christian (!!) vs. Shelton Benjamin & Chris Benoit
The Coach vs. JR (oh dear Lord, no...)
Christy Hemme vs. Stacy Keibler in a Lingere Pillow Fight (gratuitous T&A, natch)
And Maven vs. Triple-H for the World's Heavyweight Championship (how did I know?) But
he hasn't forgotten about La Resistance, as they'll defend the belts also - agsinst 2 teams!
La Resistance (Sylvan Gernier & Robert Conway) C vs. Rhyno &
Tajiri vs. Eugene & William Regal - 3-Team Elimination Match for the World Tag Team Championships.
Stamina may be the name of the game here, putting Regal at the advantage. Both of La
Resistance match him though thanks to their conditioning, but that does nothing for a stiff kick to the grill before getting
run over (courtesy of Rhyno & Tajiri). Tajiri and Eugene make an interesting pairing off to see how old-school emulation
meets new-age martial arts and the result is a near clinic. I wanna see more of those 2 as we go to:
Commercial.
Back to more Eugene vs. Tajiri (thank you!) before Conway and Regal tag in. Tajiri almost
seems mad at the interruption and kicks La Resistance out of his ring. Rhyno is in to continue the punishment but La Resistance
go back to what brought them to the dance (pure sneakiness) and eliminate Rhyno & Tajiri. The duo then work on the "weakest
link" of the remaining team, but Eugene's not willing to play nice. La Resistance still use their superior brainpower (duhr)
to maintain control until Eugene proves too powerful. Regal, never willing to play nice in the first place, sees and evades
the illegal use of the Quebec flag, and that's the beginning of the end...
Finish comes when Regal knees Grenier straight in the head before Eugene hits the People's
Elbow for the 3-count pinfall victory. La Resistance is eliminated and William Regal & Eugene are the new World Tag Team
Champions, and it's about time.
Post-match, Eugene celebrates with a group of kids, ala JunkYard Dog. Excellent choice
before:
Commercial.
Back to In The Back, Maria asks Regal where Eugene is and Regal says he's calming down.
Regal dedicates the victory to his dad and Eugene enters, dumping milk onto Maria in celebration. Regal then slyly makes a
pig out of himself cleaning it off. THAT was pretty well done.
Elsewhere In The Back, Maven hits on a girl named Candice before entering his office
to find...World Heavyweight Champion Triple-H. Triple-H can help Maven - by offering him membership in Evolution in lieu of
the title match. Maven declines and Triple-H pushes the bargain a little with some sweet talk and an intimation that Snitsky's
beating on him last night may be too much for him to handle. Triple-H twists Maven's head Right Round Like A Record some more
before we go to:
Commercial.
Back to Replay of Last Night: Lita fucking destroys Trish~!
Lita vs. Molly Holly
Lita seems to have a little more confidence and aggression after finally being able
to take out her frustrations and shows it against Molly in a near-squash.
Finish comes when Lita locks on a Sleeper Hold (?) and Molly taps out (?!!), giving
Lita the submission victory.
Post-match, WWE Women's Champion Trish Stratus is out, wearing a noseguard and whining
like it. Trish is gonna make her pay right NOW!
In The Ring, Molly attacks Lita but Lita dispatches her before Trish has a chance to
do any damage herself. Lita pushes Trish down by her broken nose and Trish sells it like it's not painful, but embarrassing.
Great blunder there, Trish.
Commercial.
Back to Coach calling JR to the ring for...aw, no...
The Coach vs. Jim Ross
Maven interrupts the match to offer a convoluted explanation that he actually
meant it would be:
The Coach vs. Randy Orton
I don't get it, either.
Finish comes when Randy Orton hits the RKO on Coach for the 3-count pinfall victory.
Post-match, Replay of the expected slaughter.
In The Back, Todd Grisham is with Edge & Christian. Edge runs down how much greater
he is than Christian and laments having to team with him. Christian answers in kind and the exchange between the 2 is retro
heaven even if they' re running each other down. Todd laments the better days and Edge offers a 5-second pose - with the "1"
being the middle fing-
And we see the Coming Next graphic cutting it off before Commercial?? You pussies!
Back to In The Back, Orton thanks Maven for the match with Coach for comedic reasons.
Orton asks him about his shot at the World Title and he looks hesitant. Almost like he wants to join Evolution. Feel the drama.
Maven questions whose best interests Orton is looking out for.
Edge & Christian (with Tyson Tomko) vs. Shelton Benjamin & Chris Benoit
Edge & Christian have a long uphill road ahead after not having teamed in 3 years
AND not being able to still stand each other. At least they're consistent, and it shows in their teamwork. Some things can't
change.
Benoit's focus is solitary: rend Christian en route to the guy he really wants
to get his hands on. Shelton provides superior backup in showing his own dominance over Edge's partner but seems almost outclassed
by Edge himself. Benjamin regains an advantage and Edge goes for relief but Christian is too scared to get in - showing how
much of a coward he's become since splitting from his brother (which anyone has yet to mention, mind you) - before we go to:
Commercial.
Back to Edge having his way with Benjamin. Replay of During The Break: Benjamin gets
triple-teamed. Now that Shelton's weakened, Christian is more than happy to share ring space with him. Edge & Christian
keep Benjamin in the ring for nearly forever with classic ringwork before Benoit finally makes it in to pursue his target.
The pursuit is halted by Tomko but the attempt backfires but Benoit's not above going after the weaker guy for the win...
Finish comes when Benjamin hits the T-Bone Suplex followed by Benoit with the Diving
headbutt. Benoit gets the Crippler Crossface on Christian and Christian taps out for the submission victory for Benoit.
Post-match, Edge beats on Christian for losing the match, nearly destroying Christian's
shoulder.
In The Back, Ric Flair pleads the case to Maven for joining Evolution (with the help
of several chicks, playing on the weakness Maven already showed earlier) before the:
Commercial.
Back to Lawler pimping Clearisil (sp?) For Men before the next match in hopes of attracting
some female attention. Shill.
Christy Hemme vs. Stacy Keibler - Lingere Pillow Fight
You expect any actual strategy here?? Both women beat each other senseless in their
underwear. Christy bends over on the bed and gets spanked along with sever million IWC "monkeys". Christy wins.
In The Back, Triple-H enjoys himself looking at Christy Hemme. Now if she joins
Evolution, that would be neat. Batista enters and questions Triple-H offering Maven a spot in Evolution. Kinda like
he did Eugene...and that didn't turn out too bad. Triple-H explains his logic in how many people would "guarantee" that Maven
wins because he'd be an easy target. Triple-H keeps treating Batista like he's stupid. Smell the feinted foreshadowing.
Commercial.
Back to Simon Dean in the ring. 64% of pollers on WWE.com vote that Maven won't join Evolution. How right do YOU think they'll be? Simon apologizes
for his remarks hitting a few WWE Superstars where it hurts before picking on another plant. "Eric" dislikes the taste of
Simon's protein bars and Simon is amazed that this fat guy won't eat anything-
And out comes Rosey. Neat! Simon begs off of Rosey and disavows any responsibility for
his effects before turning tide and calling Rosey fat and disgusting. Simon offers a protein bar and Rosey force-feeds it
back to him. Simon pulls "Eric" in front of him as a shield before drilling Rosey with a can of protein shake (that sounds
like it fucking HURT) before hauling ass.
SmackDown Rebound airs with a special video package of Cena and Carlito's history leading up to Cena's wordless
return last night's at Survivor Series before the:
Commercial.
Back to Maven dismissing the ladies and Benoit & Jericho confront him about a decision.
Maven is still heming & hawing and the others are stating the case not to join. This is almost as bad as the Raw debates...
Commercial.
Back to another Mohammed Hassan promo - and now he's turned on the American public.
That didn't take long...but at least it's going in the right direction...
Triple-H C vs. Maven - World Heavyweight Title Match
It's decision time! Triple-H plays up the (supposed) drama and Maven turns Evolution
down for his shot at the World Title. Let the massacre begin.
Maven has spent his short career being underestimated enough to be able to pull off
an upset. It is that same underestimation that Maven may be counting on tonight. With the rest of Evolution out - as well
as Benoit & Jericho - as witness, this is the best chance he'll have to shine.
That is, if the rest of them can quit getting involved. Batista interferes and gets
ejected. Flair shoves the referee and gets ejected as well. Now Maven has a pronounced advantage, but even with that Hunter
is out to show that Maven is in hopelessly over his head. Triple-H does so by viciously going after the bandage on Maven's
head. JR points out how distracted and off his game Hunter is, but does it even matter here? It may; Benoit & Jericho
set about playing Evolution's own game against Hunter, making this almost a 3-on-1 handicap match...
Finish comes when Benoit distracts the referee so Jericho can interrupt the Pedigree
with a Lionsault. Maven covers for 2. Hunter hits the Pedigree but Jericho puts Maven's foot on the bottom rope. The ref sees
it and ejects Jericho, but Benoit hits the German Suplex and Diving Headbutt in the meantime. Maven covers again for 2. Edge
is out to drill Benoit and Spear the referee and Jericho aids Benoit in a 2-on-1 assault before Evolution is back out to join
the melee. Flair hands the World Title belt to Hunter but Orton stops him and nails Triple-H himself with the Title. The ref
revives and makes a slloooowwwwwwww count for yet another 2. Snitsky is out, but after who? More drama! Snitsky finishes
the work he started on Maven last night before Triple-H hits the Pedigree for the 3-count pinfall victory. Triple-H retains
to end the show, leaving me wondering how many SmarKs will bitch about Hunter surviving everyone's finisher - and for how
long.
This wasn't a bad way to end the run on this show, I guess. Seeing Edge & Christian
on the same team (even if not in agreement) was well worth it by itself. The attempts to add any actual question of which
way things will turn out (such as Maven's decision and the match itself) were laughable as the outcome was too logical even
with all of the interference. The effort was still top-notch, though, and I can't look down on that at all.
3 days to go. Thanks again for reading.
For more interesting (?) reading, click here.
Be sure to visit EdWolf for all of your (non-video) gaming needs and The Wrestling Fan for a good chuckle or two.
WWE Raw Rant - 112204 By: Cameron Burge
Raw - 11.22.04
Hello everyone. Welcome to the very first edition of The Raw Rant featuring
your NEW Re-capper: Cameron Burge, AKA The Real Inferno. As you all may have heard, I’m replacing Double M as The Fan’s
Re-capper for Raw. Double M has new, bigger responsibilities now and we all wish him luck on his new adventures. That said, I do NOT expect to fill Melchor’s shoes, but I’ll
be damned if I don’t try.
The format of this is pretty straight-forward, I’ll give you the details of the
matches and the promos as intricately as I can so you can feel like you are right here with me typing this in my underwear!......uh........Maybe
we could scratch that part off.....yeah....Also I will lend you my wisdom in the format of Random Match Facts and Commercial
Thoughts. Have fun......OR ELSE!
The show opens with Shelton Benjamin finding Trish Stratus standing
around in a towel still featuring her new Facial equipment. Trish hits on Shelton who hypes his Six-man tag match for tonight
and bashes Trish in his own special way before Vince McMahon enters the fray and starts to freak out like an idiot. Vince
plays comedic "genius" with the African American card (because black people love Canadians with broken noses I guess....).
Vince explains why this would cause the downfall of civilization until Shelton leaves and Trish drops her towel.....goofy
theme music plays and Vince looks in the camera and asks us if we are ready for some wrestling. My god, it’s turned
into Saturday Night Live....
Tonight Raw is LIVE from....somewhere....they never said. JR and King hype the show
by repeating what we already know and we get tonight's special GM, CHRIS BENOIT. Benoit gets the crowd worked up before confirming
what we already guessed. He takes the opportunity to talk about politicking and ass-kissing which begs the question of whether
or not that went through the Stephania/HHH censor line or not.
Benoit’s first order of business is to give Maven
a shot at Snitsky for costing him the world title last week, and Y2J gets a shot at Batista. He then goes on to declare Molly
Holly vs. Trish Stratus vs. Lita in a triple threat match for the women‘s Championship. Benoit ribs on Coachman and
gives him a match against JR "for real this time." He then points out what we’ve all been asking about: A "15-foot high
steel cage". Which will be the scene for tonight's World Title match of Benoit vs. Triple H. JR immediately goes into "Steel
cage Hard-on mode" while our GM kicks off the show proper.
Gene Snitsky vs. Maven
The man with THE GREATEST GOATEE EVER hits the ring with a purpose.
Footage airs of last week’s attack by Snitsky on Maven in the Main Event.
The second best theme in the WWE plays
and Maven is looking for a bit of revenge but can’t even get into the ring until he cheap shots Snitsky to get in.
Maven enters the ring and knocks everyone’s favorite abortionist outside with a drop kick. Maven looks to capitalize
but eats a big clothesline and goes down to where he usually spends his matches, the mat. Snitsky chokes out Maven with his
knee and the steel turnbuckles before taking the fight back to the ring. Snitsky actually shows he knows a submission move
with a Half- Boston Crab before sending Maven back to the ring post, but Snitsky misses the knee this time and lands on the
steel steps.
The big man gets in the ring where Maven starts to take advantage of the injured knee. The Tough Enough
all star takes him down with a back body drop and goes up top with a cross body, but Snitsky stands right back up so Maven
hits him with the flying bulldog and still only gets two. Maven finds himself meeting his favorite friends again, the ring
lights, when he eats a big kick to the face and then a pump handle slam(which I affectionately remember as the Meltdown).
Snitsky picks up the pin.
Winner: Gene Snitsky
Special Match "Fact": No babies were hurt in the production
of this match.
King tells JR to get ready for his match as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
Metroid Prime 2: Echoes would rock even more if it actually had RVD’s theme on it.
Back to the show where Triple
H is bitching to Evolution about wrestling in a "stupid steel cage". Batista and the Game then have a confrontation when Triple
H yells at Batista for not having his back last week. Hunter talks down big time to the big man, and is obviously on shaky
ground. Triple H bets a hundred dollars that Y2J will beat Batista as we go back to the ring where Stacy is shooting t-shirts
into the audience.
Stacy is wearing the world’s UGLIEST boots and promises us something "extremely interesting",
but it unfortunately isn't her naked. It’s still good though as she reveals the ECW DVD, but alas Simon Dean(WTF?) interrupts
her.
Simon apparently thinks ECW means Eating Causes Weight-gain and thinks that with Thanksgiving being so close he
needs to give us the Simon Dean: Simon System DVD. he then plays up the fact that girls like Stacy don’t like fat disgusting
slobs like me...I mean you. And that she likes him. Stacy unceremoniously turns him down, but Simon can’t accept that
and gets ready to go nuts when The Hurricane swoops in.
Hurricane asks Captain Weight loss my favorite catchphrase
and Simon admits that Hurricane has super powers, but they are no match for his Amateur background. An impromptu fight begins
where Simon takes a beating until he low blows everyone’s favorite caped crusader and starts to whip him with a leather
belt(that he conveniently has lying around) until Rosey comes to the rescue. Stacy raises the faces hands in victory for some
odd reason and we go to the back.
The Prospective Divas are rattling on about Batista and Triple H when, speak of the devil....Batista walks by and is venting his anger about
Triple H and threatens The Game’s life for his earlier comments. JR pimps Y2J and Batista as we go to commercial.
Random
Commercial Thought: How come none of my local restaurants have lingerie cat fights?
Back to the show where JR and
King want us to find out about WWE 24/7 and our next match is getting underway. Batista comes to the ring while JR and King
pimp the online poll of whether or not Triple H will boot Batista(which we never do get the results for....).
Y2J
Chris Jericho vs. Batista
Batista
takes it heavy to Chris in the corner easily keeping the smaller man grounded, and reverses three consecutive attempts by
Y2J to take control of this match. The animal od Evolution inflicts some ground damage before putting Jericho back in the
corner but Y2J drop kicks him in the back of the knee and then again in the face and another (this one the springboard)
to send him outside. Jericho uses a cross body to take the fight outside shortly then goes up top inside the ring with a cross
body and a two count. Batista uses a huge side slam to put the match back in his favor before going for the Batista Bomb only
to get a rollup reversal. Jericho gets 2 before the steroid-filled behemoth kicks out and Flair distracts the referee for
Batista's spine buster. Batista puts Jericho in a tree of woe then holds onto and BITES his neck from behind with force until
a disqualification is called. Batista refuses to release the hold even after the bell is called. After he finally let’s
Jericho go he then uses The Clothesline from Hell 2.0 from behind to lay Y2J out something fierce. The animal finishes sending
his warning message to Triple H and the faces are 2 and 0 as we go to commercial.
Winner: Jericho by Disqualification
Special
Match "Fact": Did you know that the symbol on Batista’s upper left bicep is the Japanese "ten" Symbol? It has several
meanings such as: Heaven, Dragon, and Beyond Human. It also the symbol that the Street Fighter character Akuma uses.
Random
Commercial Thought: Viewtiful Joe 2 will be a must-have game this year for sure. I’m still sort of angry that It’s
no longer a Gamecube exclusive because it did so well on the Gamecube last year, that Capcom wants to cash in on double the
money now. The problem is that they don't do the same for PS2 games that do well.
Back to the show where Batista is
stalking through the back. Triple H taunts Batista for not winning and the two begin to yell at one another. Hunter makes
light of the fact that Batista has a million-dollar body and a ten-cent brain. He also says he may be looking for a replacement
to which Batista replies, "Screw you." The Game orders Flair to give Batista a talk but Flair shows that he may be on Batista’s
side in this one.
Edge gets an interview here about his match last week where he beat up his own tag team partner,
Christian, because they lost. Edge talks about deserving a shot at the world title and whines about Benoit getting a shot
at the title tonight. Good tings come to those who wait, Edge. Edge begins an impromptu poll and asks some Prospective Divas if they think he deserves a world title match to which they reply: "No." Edge gives the brainless twit a second chance,
but ends up punking her out. Edge’s next efforts get the same results, but when Edge freaks he is confronted by Benoit
himself who challenges him to do something about it as we go to yet another commercial.
Random commercial Thought:
Why has WWE become so reliant upon video game sponsors as of late?
Back to Raw, where if someone isn’t questioning
your loyalty, then you aren’t an important character. The Coach is in the ring and we are ready for our next match.
Jonathan
Coachman(who for some reason is from Wichita again instead of Kansas City) vs. Good Ole JR(Sooner Boomer)
Coach trash talks before the match and actually delivers a mildly amusing
riff on JR’s health, when Benoit gives the inevitable interruption. Apparently JR stood for Just Rhyno instead...
Rhyno
vs. Jonathon Coachman
Rhyno rushes
the ring but Coach actually takes him down and delivers a beating in the corner. The ref pulls Coach off Rhyno. Rhyno takes
the opportunity to deliver a gore and take the easy victory.
Winner: Rhyno
Special match "Fact": I’m
sorry, I blinked.
Now to the back where Lita is getting ready for her match next, but first: Commercialrama!
Random
Commercial Thought: Tough Enough million Dollar Download? Is it just me, or is that incredibly gay?
And now on
with the show! Recap footage from last week of Lita pushing down Trish who no sells the nose pain for some reason. Footage
then airs from earlier of Benoit announcing the cage match. Somewhat annoying theme music hits and its time for our big women’s
match for the night(featuring the entire women’s division!).
Molly Holly vs. Lita vs. Women’s Champion
Trish Stratus (Triple threat Championship match)
Trish tries to look dignified with the nose gear but fails miserably. For some reason we get a shot of Trish in a
bikini for oxygen Magazine (a women’s mag which bears the question of why she is in a bikini...). Trish tells Molly
to help her take down Lita. Molly agrees and attacks Lita while Trish looks on from safety. A few weak maneuvers goes into
an attempted double suplex by the heels when Lita counters with a double clothesline and slings both women around the ring.
Lita delivers an AWESOME snap suplex to Trish that she springs up from but gets floored by Molly and choked on the ropes again.
Trish uses a rear naked choke in the corner then a goes for a flying clothesline and slaps Lita while Molly holds her back.
The heels unleash on Lita with stomps and clubbing blows until Molly uses swinging neck breaker on Lita. Trish then
attempts to sweep and roll Molly up but only gets two. Lita decides to unleash on the both of them and drags Trish around
by her hair before taking her face first to the canvas....ouch. Lita is sent outside and Molly goes up top for a Molly-go-Round
on Trish but only gets two when Lita rushes back in for the save. Finish comes when Trish goes outside and Lita lands her
murderous DDT on Molly. However, Trish breaks it up and steals the pin for herself. After the match, Lita uses her new Rear
Naked Choke move that she beat Molly with last week on Trish before leaving the champion scrambling around in pain.
Winner:
Trish Stratus
Special Match "Fact": Trish used a time machine to steal her face guard from Virgel.
Back
to the back where Flair tells Batista to not take the path of Orton. The Nature Boy tells informs him that Triple H wants
him to follow in his footsteps. Batista says he’s tired of The Game’s shit, but Flair isn’t hearing it and
tells the animal to apologize. Batista protests but Flair repeats that he shouldn't make the same mistake Orton did because
he’ll regret it. Batista insists that he definitely won’t regret it no matter what he decides.
Random
Commercial thought: There’s just something hot about blonde women in battle armor that could vaporize your ass in
half a second.
Back to the show where Shelton talks about his hometown and takes us on a tour of his old stomping
grounds and the horrors that surrounded him at a young age. We hear all about his horrible criminal past......aren’t
we supposed to like this guy?!
Shelton hits the ring, title in tow, as we get ready for our 6-man tag match.
Christian
& La Resistance(w/ Tribal Kojak....I mean Tomko) vs. Tag Team Champions William Regal and Eugene & Intercontinental
Champion Shelton Benjamin(6-man tag match)
What’s
with Christian’s Rocky Balboa look lately? King and JR take the opportunity to pimp the Cage match yet again before
we get started. Conway and Regal start us off and Conway surprisingly takes early control and tags in his Grenier. The tide
switches and Eugene comes off the top after the tag and takes out the entire heel team himself before a referee distraction
and Christian's outside interference returns the match to their favor. Christian tags himself in and continues the beat down
on Eugene with a flurry of blows then Conway back in. very few actual moves so far, mostly blows and rest holds. An
odd rear chin lock maneuver by Conway here. Conway goes to take out Regal but this allows Eugene to recover and tag in Benjamin.
Shelton takes on all comers single handedly and uses his Stinger splash on Christian. He then goes up top on Conway but the
pin is broken by Tomko. Benjamin eats an awesome double team move from La Resistance but Regal and Eugene break up the pin.
Eugene uses a Stone Cold Stunner in tandem with Benjamin’s T-bone for the win. Eugene calls in the Special Olympics
all stars team and runs around the ring yet again.
Winners: Eugene, William Regal, and Shelton Benjamin
Special
Match "Fact": Eugene's theme music is a remixed version of the old Rocky theme.
We see Hassan complaining about
prejudice in airport security because he is Arab and he gets strip-searched a lot. This guy seems to get more and more angry
every week, but I do like how he wants to beat respect out of everyone....I also think his manager might be making up words
and not actually speaking Arabic.
More pimping of the steel cage sends us to commercial.
Random Commercial
thought: Miss America really should have a Hand to Hand Combat competition.
Back to everyone’s favorite
wrestling show (unless you are one of those weird TNA fans to which I say, "AHAHAAAA!").
Smackdown! Rebound:
Now if both of the big guys for the US Championship are supposed to be gone.....what happens to the belt?
JR pimps
the cage yet AGAIN and we get started on our Main event.....
Chris Benoit vs. World Heavyweight Champion Triple
H(World Title cage Match)
....or do we?
Footage
cuts to the back where Batista has apparently annihilated Triple H and run from the scene. Flair screams for a doctor and
for some odd reason Val Venus is there. Benoit comes back and demands a title match even if he has to drag the Game back to
the ring. Flair threatens a lawsuit on Benoit in response. Our special GM turns to go but runs into Edgeon the way out. Edge
mocks how Benoit got screwed out of a heavyweight title shot too now. Benoit then changes his card to Edge vs. Benoit in the
cage as soon as we get back from Commercial
Random Commercial Thought: so Subway is reduced to bashing McDonald's
to get people to buy that crap? That’s just sad.
Back to Raw where if you aren’t paying attention you could
get mauled by an "animal", beaten in the hallway or even ran over in an ambulance. Talk about unsafe working conditions. Benoit
is in the cage again waiting for his new opponent. Edge comes out to his REALLY bad theme music(what ever happened to his
good music?).
Edge vs. Chris Benoit(Cage match)
JR and King reference RVD getting thrown through the cage by Kane as we get this started. Edge is taken down
early and Benoit presses his advantage only to eat a few blows himself but quickly regain control. King sings the praises
of Edge as Benoit lays into him. Edge takes down Benoit with a huge turnbuckle irish whip and takes solid control of this
match with a suplex and attempts an early escape. This of course gets no where(Just once I‘d like to see someone escape
quickly like that so I could see the crowd‘s reaction). Benoit lands some chops and a big backdrop before trying to
escape himself. The wolverine doesn't make it either, but Edge gets an opportunity to find out what steel mesh tastes like.
Benoit baseball slides Edge’s face into the cage and goes for the cross face but Edge counters. Still too early for
that and everyone knows it as the Cross-face didn't even get a mild pop. Benoit and Edge trade blows and moves until he takes
Edge down with a clothesline and goes for the escape. Again Edge takes him down, but this time he BITES him. That's the second
biting incident tonight. Did Hannibal Lector book this show? Edge eats a funny kick from Benoit who was in a tree of woe.
Footage shows that Batista is in the back watching the match as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
Blade Trinity = hunter’s big movie break? God, I hope not, but then again...The Rock all but disappeared once he became
a Hollywood star. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing for Triple H to be in a movie after all.
Back to the match
where Benoit is bleeding like a stuck pig after taking a shot to the metal support brace of the cage. Edge is unleashing the
fury on Benoit and actually making himself look like a viable title contender for once. Edge lays Benoit out and instead of
going for the escape picks him back up and continues the fight. Edge lays him out again and goes to escape when Benoit apparently
drinks his magic Gummy Bear Juice and springs to the rescue. He then delivers the QUINTUPLE Germans. For some reason JR and
King feel the need to remind us of what this match would be like if Triple H were the opponent.
Benoit attempts to
climb the cage with the speed of Stephen Hawkings, but Edge pulls him back. still on top of the turnbuckles Benoit gives Edge
some ravaging headbutts sending him down. Benoit goes for the diving headbutt(which JR nicely attributes to Dynamite Kid)
but only gets 2. The Cross-face looks to work but Edge gets the ropes and Benoit releases. Edge finally gets some momentum
back and sends Benoit into the cage. Benoit slams the cage door in Edge’s face knocking both men down. Benoit goes to
escape but Edge uses a spear from behind and ends up SENDING BENOIT OUT OF THE DOOR FOR THE WIN. Edge all but cries in the
ring at his stupid mistake.
Winner: Chris Benoit
Special Match Fact: If you shaved off Edge’s
Goatee and cut his hair shorter he’d look exactly like Jim Carrey. No lie.
Edge actually pulls some of his own
hair out while throwing his fit in the ring.
Batista is confronted by Flair in the back and we learn that Triple H
is back up now and Batista is going to meet him in the ring to "finish what he started". Batista also tells Flair to pick
a side as we go to our final commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Somebody, tell me why you would need
a TITANIUM razor?
Back to the show, and what a show it’s been. oddly we come back in the middle of Batista’s
speech, so somebody got the timing off. Batista calls out the game but makes sure to note it isn't about the world title,
and the crowd’s pops for Batista all night suddenly transform into Batista CHANTS. Never thought I’d hear those.
The Game comes out and is being restrained by Flair. The two men meet face to face in the ring, and.......SWERVE!!
Triple H reveals it was all a plot to get out of his World Title Match with Benoit. Hunter at least doesn’t mock continuity
and notes that the doctor was in on it too. He then proceeds to go through the whole plan as if nobody has figured it out
yet. The crowd pretty much shits on this, but oddly enough Batista still garners some cheers. (in a side note: Hunter references
the Slammy Awards!) Hunter hits a chord with Batista when he tells him he should have beat Jericho but nothing comes of it.
The
Game calls for a celebration but gets Randy Orton instead. Orton calls Triple H’s Swerve good but declares that he’ll
be the general manager next week. Triple H feigns fear then reminds us of the no title shot clause. Orton gives The
H’s two options. Option1: A one on one match to lift the stipulation if Orton wins. Triple H declines this so Orton
goes with Option 2: Triple H vs. everyone in the locker room....even VISCERA! It’s a company-wide over the top rope
battle royal where even all of Evolution will be in the match and its for the World title.(?!) Triple H spazzes in the ring
while Randy strikes cocky Rock pose #34.
And that concludes our broadcast for this week.
Highlight of the
Night: Surprisingly, I was most entertained by the Women’s Triple Threat Match. I felt it was worked properly and
played to all three ladies’ strengths well.
Lowlight of the Night: The Swerve. I don’t think it
garnered quite the reaction they had hope as Batista didn’t really gain any heel heat from it. After the Swerve was
revealed the crowd didn’t boo him there were simply less cheers than before.
I bet you’re wondering, "Oh
Cameron! (Oh Wise One optional) I’m really looking for something better to waste my precious time on this planet with."
To which I reply, "Too bad." but if you really insist try out my website: Quote Central.
Read the articles by:
Sean Carless himself(more of a "boss" than Spike Dudley could ever be.)
Christopher
Freda(for All things ROH)
Renee(with thoughts galore)
Richard(For One Man Conchairto madness)
Payne(because you KNOW
you want to...)
and my new partner in crime Dr Gonzo (drugs may or may not be included)
All of them are over on the
The Fan’s Main page. You can also check out Harry Simon’s Clusterschmazz, or Dave Gagnon’s Owned. Plus that convoluted piece of crap Bacon is in there somewhere.
Don’t forget to visit Double M and drop him a line thanking him for all the great Raw Rant moments over at 411
Special Thanks go to Sean Carless and Michael Melchor for
giving me this position.
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