VH1’S 40 GREATEST CELEBRITY FEUDS By Harry Simon Did anyone see VH1’s “40 Greatest Celebrity Feuds” countdown? It’s a two-hour special hosted by Stone Cold and it’s well worth checking out. Here’s their list, with my comments interspersed. If I don’t comment on a feud, it’s because I have no problem with its placement on the list. Before anyone starts, no, I really DON’T have anything better to do with my time. Oh, and I probably misspelled half the celeb names on this list. Live with it. 40) Weird Al Yankovick vs. Coolio 39) Sean Young vs. Tim Burton Too low. The bizarreness of Young going into business for herself puts this one in a class by itself. 38) Alyssa Milano vs. Shannen Doherty 37) Triumph vs. Pets.Com 36) Sharon Osborne vs. Renee Tab This is where things get fuzzy. Apparently, this wasn’t just celebrity-vs.-celebrity, but any feud involving a celebrity. Renee WHO? (I know, I know, she was a Hollywood agent. I’m making a point here. Work with me, people.) 35) Larry Flynt vs. Jerry Falwell WAAAAAAAAAAY too low. This was CLASSIC every step of the way, as well as actually being a significant First Amendment case. 34) Milton Berle vs. RuPaul 33) Suzanne Somers vs. “Three’s Company” cast Too low. Double-S pissed off the producers so bad, they actually punished her on-air by sending her character to live with her mother and cutting her scenes down to one 60-second phone call a week. That was pretty much unheard of for network TV. 32) Roger Ebert vs. Vincent Gallo 31) Dr. Dre vs. Eazy-E Too low. Great feud between former best buddies, with the two taking some great shots at each other via music video. 30) Howard Stern vs. Kathie Lee Gifford 29) Johnny Carson vs. Joan Rivers 28) Bruce Willis vs. Cybill Shepherd 27) Anna Nicole Smith vs. Marshall Family 26) Andy Kaufman vs. Jerry Lawler Here’s where things stop making sense. Kaufman and Lawler never truly DISLIKED each other; all the others did. True, their feud was entertaining as hell, but if worked feuds are eligible, just off the top of my head, I can name half a dozen wrestling feuds that were more entertaining and/or did bigger box office than Kaufman-Lawler. You dare challenge me? Fine. Behold: Austin vs. McMahon, Austin vs. Rock, WCW vs. nWo, Hogan vs. Sting, Raven vs. Dreamer, and Bret vs. Shawn (which even happened to feature legit hatred between the guys, to boot). There are tons more, but you get the point. And I’ll get to the biggest one momentarily. 25) Elton John vs. Tina Turner 24) Neil Young vs. Lynyrd Skynyrd Too low. One of the greatest rock feuds EVER. 23) David Lee Roth vs. Sammy Hagar 22) San Diego Chicken vs. Barney 21) Bob Barker vs. Dian Parkinson 20) Vince Neil vs. Axl Rose 19) Eminem vs. Mariah Carey 18) Tom Selleck vs. Rosie O’ Donnell 17) Jay-Z vs. Nas Too high. I didn’t think there could be such a thing as a boring rapper feud, but here you have it. Look me in the eye and tell me this was a better feud than Dre vs. Eazy. You’d be a damn dirty liar, you would. 16) Ludacris vs. Bill O’ Reilly 15) Metallica vs. Napster 14) Madonna vs. Sandra Bernhard 13) Creed vs. Their Fans 12)Nancy Kerrigan vs. Tonya Harding Too low. This is Top 5 material. Classic heel-vs.-babyface (complete with Pearl Harbor attack!) that led to their skate-off being one of the highest rated television programs ever. 11) Courtney Love vs. Nirvana 10) Mick Jagger vs. Keith Richards 9) Frank Sinatra vs. Sinead O’ Connor 8) David Letterman vs. Jay Leno Too low. Another top-fiver for obvious reasons. 7) Tupac Shakur vs. Biggie Smalls Number SEVEN??? These two KILLED each other! How the hell do you top that?! To me, this should have either been #1 or it shouldn’t have been on the list at all. 6) Eminem vs. Triumph & Moby Too high. And I’m the biggest Triumph mark west of the Mississippi, too. 5) Michael Jackson vs. Paul McCartney 4) 50-Cent vs. Ja Rule Too high, though you’ve gotta love the fact that Fitty invented a whole new word in “honor” of Ja. (“Wanksta.”) 3) Toby Keith vs. Dixie Chicks 2) Fred Durst vs. Britney Spears WAY too high. This shouldn’t even be in the top 20, let alone the runner-up spot. No feud that called a “truce” belongs in the Top 5. 1) David Lee Roth vs. Van Halen Taking Pac-Biggie out of the equation, and this is a suitable number one, IMO.     Now for the omissions: WWF vs. WCW. Call it McMahon vs. Bischoff, McMahon vs. Turner, Raw vs. Nitro, Smackdown vs. Thunder, or whatever. This was a legit feud that lasted for years, ignited a wrestling boom and had more twists and turns than one overbooked episode of NWA TNA. Leaving it off the list was inconceivable. Sam Kinison vs. Andrew “Dice” Clay. Classic comedy feud. Before political correctness ruined humor as we know it, these two pulled no punches and each played Howard Stern against the other like two divorced parents. Madonna vs. Courtney Love. Since when does VH1 ever miss a chance to show footage of a drugged-out Courtney harassing Madonna at a post-VMA interview? Ice-T vs. Charlton Heston. Speaking of footage VH1 loves to dust off, the bit where the NRA icon disgustedly reads the lyrics to “Cop Killer” is a proud part of our nation’s pop culture history. “Die. Die. DIE PIG, DIE.” If they wanted a gratuitous right-winger-vs.-rapper feud, they should have picked this instead of Ludacris vs. Bill O’ Reilly. Ice was a better, more influential rapper than Ludacris, while Chuck has reached levels of conservatism that BOR can only dream of. Suge Knight vs. Vanilla Ice. Suge allegedly dangled Ice out over a balcony. Is it any wonder people respect and love Suge? Frank Sinatra vs. Phil Hartman. The Chairman didn’t appreciate PH’s send-up of him on SNL and used his (ahem) connections to teach Phil a lesson; somehow screwing him out of his lucrative “Chester Cheetah” commercials. Yes sir, Francis had him some major stroke. Faith No More vs. Red Hot Chili Peppers. Similarly, the Peppers screwed FNM out of a lucrative international tour, prompting FNM to fire back on one Halloween night in Michigan. FNM dressed up as the Peppers (complete with needles sticking out of their arms) and FNM frontman Mike Patton proceeded to sing “Under The Bridge” hilariously off-key. There was even a mock tombstone for dead former RHCP guitarist Hilel, with the epitaph, “I can’t believe I died for this s***.” Harlan Ellison vs. Gene Roddenberry. An obscure feud, but an inspired one. For a while there, Ellison couldn’t even accept a writing award without launching into a tirade about how “That asshole ruined it!” (Meaning the classic “Star Trek” episode written by Harlan that Gene butchered.) 3rd Bass vs. Vanilla Ice. Remember 3B’s “Pop Goes The Weasel” video? They were hating on Ice before the rest of us jumped on the bandwagon. Kim Cattral vs. Sarah Jessica Parker. Kinda like Alyssa Milano vs. Shannen Doherty, only with uglier women and more money involved. MC Hammer vs. Sinead O’ Connor. Okay, maybe this one would be more like “Top 100” material, but it still deserves a mention if only for the fact that Hammer offered to buy SOC a one-way ticket out of the country…and she actually took him up on it. When baldie flew back home to wherever the hell it is she was spawned from, she sent Hammer a bill for the plane ticket, which he happily paid. I don’t care what anyone says about Hammer, anyone who would help usher Sinead out of the country gets my proverbial “props.” James Gandolfini vs. HBO. Tony held out for more money, risking one of the most profitable shows in history. (Imagine if Suzanne Somers’ power play had worked.) Anyway, they kissed and made up, but not before a public battle saw HBO call their biggest cash cow a “greedy pig” and file suit against him (which was eventually dropped). Ah well, it was fun while it lasted. Norm McDonald vs. NBC. Norm burned his bridge upon leaving the compost heap that was SNL. In retaliation, NBC refused to air commercials for his movie “Dirty Work.” Hilarity ensued. Hulk Hogan vs. Richard Belzer. The most unbelievable feud of them all, if only because it contains the only known footage of Hulk Hogan using a wrestling hold. Dr. D vs. John Stossel. Do you even have to ask? * For some reason, they snubbed Arsenio and his many feuds altogether. Arsenio Hall vs. Jay Leno. When Leno took over “The Tonight Show,” there was a famous magazine cover that showed Arsenio with a quote vowing, “I’m gonna kick Leno’s ass.” He didn’t. Arsenio Hall vs. Vanilla Ice. Better and more entertaining than Tom Selleck vs. Rosie O’ Donnell. Arsenio’s own audience booed him at the start, but later turned on Vanilla and his empty head. Special surreal cameo by Flava-Flav (I’m serious). Arsenio Hall vs. Roseanne. Remember Grossanne’s “Triangle Head” swipe? Ah, to be feuding comics in the 90s… * Howard Stern vs. KLG was a no-brainer, but the KOAM has had many other noteworthy feuds. Howard Stern vs. Don Imus. Imus was a prick to Stern when both worked for NBC; eventually Stern wound up on another station and KILLED Imus in the ratings for years. Howard Stern vs. Rush Limbaugh. This was all the rage in the 90s. Loudmouth vs. loudmouth. Howard Stern vs. John DiBella. Stern took the art of celebrity feuding to a new level, holding a public “funeral” for the Philadelphia “Zookeeper” when Stern’s show went to #1 in Philly. A significant feud that laid the groundwork for all future Stern feuds to follow. Howard Stern vs. Mancow. Worth mentioning, if only because Mancow was a rare threat to Stern, beating him in a couple markets. Howard Stern vs. Chevy Chase. A strange, fun feud that kicked off when Chase trashed Stern during “Larry King Live,” not realizing that people watching the show on satellite could hear what was said during commercial breaks. This lead to many classic encounters between Chase and various Stern cronies, too. Crony: “Chevy, after what happened with Phil Hartman, are you afraid to let your wife near the gun cabinet?” Chevy (furious): “Do you think that’s funny? DO YOU THINK THAT’S FUNNY?!” Crony: “I saw some of your movies, Chevy. I didn’t think THEY were very funny.” * Other notable band breakups: Poison vs. C.C. Deville. A classic moment in live television when a pilled-to-the-gills CCD totally lost his mind during a live VMA and started playing while the show was still at commercial. When they came back from the break, CCD immediately started playing the wrong song. Then CCD purportedly got into a fistfight with frontman Bret Michaels backstage. CCD was unceremoniously ejected from the band. Metallica vs. Dave Mustaine. “Dude, wake up. You’re fired. Your bus leaves in an hour.” GOLD. Motley Crue vs. Vince Neil. The Crue publicly fired Vince, chastising him for racing stock cars when he should have been in the studio. They tried out another lead singer while Vince went solo. Both projects flopped, causing everyone to come to their senses and get back together. Then they kicked out Tommy Lee, IIRC. Some people never learn. Van Halen vs. Sammy Hagar. They included the two other VH wars; why not this one? Upon becoming a solo artist again, the Red Rocker’s first release included a song called “Little White Lies,” a swipe at the brothers Halen and um, the other guy. * They missed a whole heap of celebrity relationships gone bad, too. Tina Turner vs. Ike Turner. How in the HELL did they forget this?! Like Tina vs. Elton John was more memorable or well-known. Eat the cake, Anna May!! Madonna vs. Dennis Rodman. Gotta love a guy who can find a way to offend Madonna. Burt Reynolds vs. Loni Anderson. This divorce was uglier than Burt’s toupee. Geraldo Rivera vs. Bette Midler. Geraldo’s tell-all book boasted of nailing Bette. Bette fired back by saying Geraldo was “lousy.” Fun feud, as long as you don’t actually have to picture them doing the deed. Mike Tyson vs. Robin Givens. Christ, who were you pulling for in THIS one? Roseanne vs. Tom Arnold. Memorable if only for the SNL monologue where Rosie talked about getting a shot at the doctor’s office. (“It was a little prick, just like having sex with Tom.”) Woody Allen vs. Mia Farrow. ‘Nuff said. ________________________________________________________________________________________